It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 4 - The Gang Chokes - full transcript

_

Uh, guys,
I-I'd like to raise a glass to Frank.

Frank, another year has gone
by since you came into my life.

I don't see any blue on this menu.

- Well, hang on. Don't interrupt.
- Why do you want to eat blue?

- The best foods are blue.
- Charlie,

let's just order, shall we?

Now, Dennis,
what will I be having this evening?

- Oh, come on.
- Well, I don't want to just order, okay?

I'm trying to say
some nice words here, okay?

- About what?
- About you, man.

Oh, God. You people.

Ugh, this guy again.

Come on, man. What are you doing here?
This isn't Guigino's.

Yeah, I thought you moved.

I moved back.
So... Wait, you guys remember me?

Uh, yeah, you're everywhere.

Yeah. We can't get away from you.

You know what? Doesn't matter.

What's in them little bowls?
Blue, I hope.

I... Bl...

No, i-it's amuse-bouche for the table.

- What is it?
- We didn't order yet, pal.

Again, Dennis, what am I having?

- Stop asking me that.
- I'm not paying for those, pal.

They're compliments from the chef.

We don't want compliments, we want food.

If I wanted a compliment,
I'd walk into a bar.

Oh, Dee. God.

- Dee, shut up.
- Yeah, Dennis, do you want me

to throw my glass of water in her face?

Well, don't ask. Just do.

Well, h-hang on a second, dude.
You don't chew no good anymore.

- You want me to chew that up for you?
- I don't want that.

Well, you haven't had your
teeth sharpened in a bit.

- I better chew it.
- He gets his teeth sharpened?

Not as often as he should. No. Uh...

What's this?

I think he's choking.

- Oh, shit.
- Yeah, he can't get air.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Okay, folks,
we have a few specials tonight.

Oh, my God!

_

- That's it! Yeah, I'm absolutely having a fit!
- All night long?

- Look, I-I'm sorry, okay?
- I'm having a fit. That's right.

I don't know what happened.
I froze up, all right?

- Oh, yeah. You froze up.
- May-Maybe I thought

- that's how you wanted to go out, Frank.
- Oh, yeah.

That's how I wanted to go? Me?

I don't know!
I don't know how you want to die.

You only ever talk about
how you don't want to die,

like in a hospital bed
or getting spit-roasted

- by two Latin King gang members in prison.
- Yeah.

Okay, look, at least here,

you're in a fancy restaurant, right?

- You're surrounded by your friends.
- Oh, my friends.

Who are watching me choke to death

- with pleasure in their eyes.
- Nobody had pleasure! Okay,

- maybe I was a little mad at you, all right?
- Yeah.

Y-You didn't let me finish my speech.

You kept interrupting me
about anything that's blue

- on the menu, right?
- Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah.

You didn't let me chew
your food for you. You know, you...

Oh, well, you're not gonna
be able to do that, either.

No more chewing my food.

You mash it too thin.

You take all the flavor out of it.

- You get all the nutrients. I get all the mush.
- You...

- Do you think I want to chew your food?
- Yeah, you...

Well, you don't have to do that anymore,
because I'm going.

- Where are you gonna go?
- I'm going

- to the one person who actually cares about me.
- All right.

Good. You know what, fine, go.

Get out of here. I don't care.

I'll go back to being me.
You know, young and cool

before I started chewing the
food of some crazy old man.

You know, I used to do cool shit, Frank!

I used to be cool!

I'm cool.

That was an interesting evening.

Yeah. Yeah, it was. Frank was pissed.

I would've stepped in,

but, of course,
I was taking my cues from you.

Why?

Well, you didn't tell me
whether I should save him or not.

But why? I mean, wh...

why do I still have to
tell you what to do?

Why do I still have to
order your dinners for you?

And why is it up to me to decide

whether or not you're
going to save a man's life?

You know what the problem is?

I can't depend on you.
I can't depend on anyone.

You know, I mean,
if that had been me choking tonight...

- no one would've saved me.
- No.

I-I would've saved you, Dennis.
I would have saved you.

- If you told me to.
- Oh, Jesus Christ... if I told you to?

Oh!

♪ Pizza man, pizza man ♪

♪ I got pizza here,
who wants pizza man? ♪

What are you doing here, man?
It's, like, after midnight.

Uh, after midnight?
What are you, like, in your 40s?

- Yeah. As are you.
- Yeah.

- Have a slice. Let's get into it, boys.
- No! No.

Dennis cannot eat cheese,
because cheese is poison.

- No dairy for this guy.
- That's actually correct.

Oh. It's all good, though.
I actually ate all the cheese

on the walk over, so... no cheese!

Oh! That solves it. Dennis will have

- the crust and the sauce, then.
- No, Mac.

Not gonna have the
crust. Are you insane?

I mean, you know, carbs aside,
it's absolutely teeming

with gluten.

I knew that. I just... I forgot.

- You didn't know that.
- I did.

Don't worry about that, though.
It's all good.

I ate the crust, too.

Oh, so you came over with
a box of tomato sauce?

Oh, great.

- Dennis will have the sauce.
- Sugar.

- Sugar.
- Uh, no.

Actually, I slurped that up, too,

because that was just kind of
looking good, so I figured...

So you ate them all separately...
all the elements...

and then came over with
an empty pizza box?

- This is a nice gesture, you know.
- It's not.

- It's the suggestion of food.
- Guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Oh, my God. You are not going to believe

- what just happened to me. Okay.
- Christ. She's here now.

- So, I'm wandering around, right, for hours.
- Yeah.

I-I'm just thinking about
what happened tonight

and... with Frank, you know...

and-and I'm not proud of it,
but I, uh...

Something weird kind of happened
to me with that whole thing,

'cause I... I got a pretty good rush

from a man almost dying
right in front of me.

I-I liked it, and-and,

you know, I'm thinking about it so much

that I sort of space out.

Long story short,

I wind up in the middle
of the street, okay?

And an Uber just goes flying by me

at, like-like, 50. Almost hit me!

You're so good at telling stories.
So concise.

I wish it did hit you.

You guys, the rush I got from that...

- You would not believe it.
- Okay, I-I...

I don't believe it.
I don't care about it.

- I don't care. I don't care.
- It blew my mind.

- Why'd you come over?
- No, wait, I-I can't stand this.

I-I can't do this.
I mean, it's in the middle of the night.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Okay? And I'm surrounded by lunatics here.

We are surrounded by lunatics.

- You're one of the lunatics!
- What?

Okay, you know what? This is
the one thing I've learned tonight.

- I can't depend on anyone but myself, okay?
- What? What?

So I got to take care of myself.
I got to stay healthy.

You know what? I'm gonna go to bed.

That's what I should...
I'm gonna go to bed.

Go to bed? What are you, 40?

We're the same age!

Uh, Dennis, should I go to bed, too?

I don't care!

- He said yes, I think?
- Oh, I don't think he gives a shit

- what you do.
- I don't think he cares.

He cares because we
depend on each other,

so I should probably go to sleep
because we depend on each other.

Tomorrow,
I got to wake up and depend on him.

He's gonna depend on me,
so good night, guys.

Okay, so, what do you want to get into?

Oh, I kind of wanted to
hang out with the guys, so...

I know. I know. Me, too.

- But they went to bed, so just you and me.
- Mm.

Yeah, but I-I don't want it to be.

- You know?
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Hey-o! Look who's up. Sleepyhead.

Here you go. You know
you grind your teeth at night?

What is this?

What the hell are you doing in my home?

I'm moving in.

Hey, you had my back.
Now I'm gonna have yours.

Uh, first thing we got to do

is beef up the security around here.

You know how easy it was
for me to get in that window?

Took me all of 30
seconds with this hammer.

I could have been bashing your face in

before you knew what hit you,

which would've been this hammer,
which I already had in my hand,

in case you weren't listening.

Wh-What's going on?

It's you and me against the world, kid.

You got a nice place here.

Wouldn't be bad to have a roommate.

Okay, look, I only saved you

because it's what any
decent person would do,

but I don't need a roommate.

I already live here with my mother.

Oh. That old vegetable lady is your mom?

Nah, you don't have to worry about her.

I took care of her.

Took care of her? What do you mean?

I threw a sheet over her head.
She was freaking me out.

Mom! Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

I don't think she can hear you, pal.
She's gonzo.

Why would you want to live with that

when you can live with me
and get a lot of good action?

Please leave before I call the police.

Suit yourself.

- Door or window?
- The door is fine.

It's gonna take me a long time
to bash through that door.

Guys, how long is this gonna take?

Dennis needs to finish his
pre-workout shake, Charlie.

And I rubbed down his calves,

and now I have to tape his ankles.

Yeah, but can we just,
like, play already?

No, we can't just play, Charlie.
We can't just play.

Are you insane?! We can't just play!

Uh, what's he...? What?

Look, honestly, Dennis
shouldn't even be playing basketball

- in the first place...
- Wrong, Mac.

Basketball is exactly
what I should be doing.

It's what men like Frank never did,

and their bodies became soft
and feeble and-and round

and at high risk for injury
and disease and choking on things.

- Well, can we do something?
- Yes.

Let's just... let's begin
with a light warm-up of, uh... passing,

and then after 15 minutes or so of that,

we'll work our way into a light jog,
and then we'll do some layups.

- Passing. All right.
- Too hard. Too fast.

Still a little bit too hard.

Simple.

- Oh.
- Ah, damn it.

Jesus, man. What-what the hell
was that? Are you okay?

Ow. I don't know.
My... timing's a little bit off.

I... might not be feeling
too well all of a sudden.

Wait a second.

Dennis, I-I feel like there's
a little bit of pollen in the air.

Pollen?!

You didn't tell me there
was to be pollen today.

I-I can't do pollen. I don't do pollen.

I know. I didn't know. I mean, maybe,

on account of the season,
I thought maybe...

- Oh. Oh!
- I'm sorry.

- Come on, Dee. Why are you here?
- Hear me out, you guys.

This whole thing with
Frank and the Uber stuff...

it's got me thinking, you know.

I feel like the only
way to truly live life

to its fullest is to
live it on the edge.

- On the edge of what?
- On the edge of life or death.

So, I went into the
Puerto Rican part of town,

started making fun
of their big fat asses

and asked them if they were Dominican.

- What?! - Yeah.
- Why-why would you do that?

Well, to be fair,
I did start with some stuff

that was slightly less offensive,
but turns out,

they're a very lovely community,
so I really had to...

I had to dig deeper.

Really, really hit 'em where it hurt.

Anyway, they're on their way.

They're on their way?!

Yeah, after what I said, sure, yeah.

I was like, "Um, you guys,
why don't you take a break

"from your cockfighting and,
uh, you know, hop in your rafts

and come bring it to a real American?"

And then I was like, "Follow me."

- That's Mexican!
- That's Mexican.

- What are you doing?
- Oh! That did it.

- Why are you doing this?
- It pissed 'em off.

Because it-it gave me a r...

a-a thrill like you wouldn't believe.

Anyway,
you guys want in on this with me?

- No!
- No! - What?!

You-you would put us all at risk

with your suicidal race-baiting.
I... I-I...

Eh, something's off. I-I got to go home.

- What?
- Oh, Dennis. Dennis, yes.

- I got to go home.
- You're leaving?

You know what?
He-he needs his post-workout shake.

- You haven't worked out yet.
- That's what it is. I need a...

Yes, we were playing basketball,

and I've depleted my electrolytes,

and now I'm Dee-shaming,

and that's depleted me even more,

- so, yes. - Oh, come on.
- You know what?

- Uh, let me... let me get you home, Dennis.
- I'm wobbly.

Here. You can count on me, buddy.

- All right, get me...
- You can count on me.

- Get me home.
- He can count on me, guys.

The hell's wrong with him?

Uh, pollen, I guess.

Huh.

So, uh, you want to take
this beating with me?

No.

Hey, Mom.

Sorry I'm late.

Had to work a double shift.

Hey-o! All good.

Made her dinner already.
She's eating blue.

- What is this?
- Well, I figure,

you were at work,
and your mom was stuck home alone,

so I broke in again.

What did you do to her?

What? Well, I just
spruced her up a little bit.

- What do you think?
- I think she look nuts!

Okay, you know what? Stop coming here.

I don't want you here.
Stop breaking into my home, okay?

Whoa. Why are you being
such a hard-on about this?

I'm just trying to help a little bit.

You know, I did a little
homework while you were away.

You graduated at the top
of your class with honors,

and were enrolled in pilot school.

But then, your mommy got sick,

and you had to take other
jobs and make ends meet.

I mean, it must've been
really hard being up there,

slinging V8 Juice

when you should've been
captain of the ship.

What is this?

Somebody enrolled somebody
back into pilot school.

So, what do you say we quit
that dead-end job you're in

and put your mommy in a real nice home?

Something with 24-hour care, on me.

And not one of them
bang 'em and bin 'em joints.

Something really nice.

Would be nice to go back
to pilot school.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, let me give you some more.

Yeah. Here you go. Here you go.

Yeah. Blue has the most antioxygens.

Ugh.

Christ. I feel like I'm dying.

Just let me help you, Dennis.

Here, have another health shake.

No. I don't want another one
of your stupid shakes, Mac.

All right? And for the last time,

please just leave me alone.

Just...

- What are you doing?
- I want to throw this shake

in your stupid face, but I'm struggling.

Charlie, will you please throw this
shake in Mac's face for me?

- Me?
- Yes.

- Oh.
- Dennis, do you want me to throw it into my own face?

That would ruin the effect.

Right. Charlie, throw this in my face.

Well, don't tell him
to throw it in your face,

because now I feel like you want it.

Uh, what if I throw it in my face?

- I don't want it.
- No, you're not following.

He wants you to throw that in my face,

and he wants me to not want it.

- I don't want it, right, Dennis?
- You've both ruined the moment.

You've misunderstood what I'm going for,

and I'm just gonna go lie down
on my bed. I feel so awful.

- Yeah. I'll carry you, because I...
- No, no, no. You're not gonna...

No. You dropped me twice last time.

You bumbling idiot.
You're probably also covered in pollen,

which is making me feel horrible.

A pollen-covered man offering
to carry a-a perfectly well man.

It's insane.

- Hey, uh, can I have your...?
- I'm sorry.

You mind if I have his shake, then,

- if he's not gonna have it?
- Huh?

- Can I have this?
- No, that's, uh...

That's his shake, so...
you can't have it. Just...

Yeah, but... I-I want it,
and he said he didn't want it.

Yeah, yeah,
but he might want it later, so...

Yeah, yeah, but I kind of want it now,

so I'd like to have the shake, then.

Yeah, but it's not really for you.

Yeah, but I want it,
and he's not having it,

so I don't really see any reason why...

- You can't have it, Charlie!
- Yeah! I will drink it!

What is this?

It's a... protein shake.

It's just a health shake for Dennis.

Yeah, but it tastes like pizza.

Oh, really? Nah, it's...

You know what?
There's a lot of different flavors.

That's probably, like,
the pizza-flavored one.

And soda.

Wha... Are you feeding Dennis

blended-up pizza and soda shakes?

Shh. Yes. Uh, I...

- Why? Why are you doing that?
- Because I'm...

I'm poisoning him, all right? Just...

- What?!
- A little bit.

Look, uh, all the gluten
and the sugar and the dairy,

uh, just wreaks havoc
on his system, you know?

- Oh.
- And it makes him so weak.

And then he's gonna depend
on me to take care of him,

to bring him back from
the brink of death.

- Why are you doing that?
- You know what I'm saying?

- Well, because I want him to depend on me, Charlie.
- Oh.

Nah! That's gonna take

- way too long.
- Whoa.

Dee, did you just scale up the side

- of the building?
- Yeah.

Free soloed it.

Sucked though. Didn't feel a thing.

Look, Mac, Munchausen by proxy,
that's cute and everything.

But if you want Dennis
to really depend on you,

you're gonna have
to save his life... for real.

Oh.

And I'm gonna help you.

Aw...

Don't. Just don't.

- Hey! You're just in time for a blue feast.
- Hey.

- Mm.
- Did you have a good sleep?

Yeah. To be honest,

I had the best night's sleep of my life.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I feel kind of guilty
saying this, but, uh,

since you found a home for my mom,

I feel like this-this huge weight

- has been lifted off of me.
- Ah.

- Great! Let's eat.
- Yeah.

- Come on. Okay. All right.
- Okay. Great.

- See what we got here.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh...

Yeah, I don't know
if I want to eat that.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Well, I just worked on it a long time.

Well, three of the things are
still in plastic packaging.

All right. Well, how 'bout
if you just make a speech?

- A what?
- A speech. You know,

something to honor our new relationship.

Uh, do I have to?

Yes.

Oh.

Okay. Well, uh...

this is exciting.

Good start.

Uh, I'm excited
to get back in the simulator,

log some more hours.

Oh, good, good.

Well, but don't just make
the speech about you.

- Oh.
- Put me in there a little bit, too.

Oh. Okay. Uh...

Uh, thanks for sticking
my mom in that home.

- Never could've done it myself.
- Yeah. Mm, mm.

She always said it's the last
thing she ever wanted, so...

- So, thank you.
- What?

- Thank you.
- Wait, your mom said

that's the last thing she wanted,

- was to be in a home?
- Yeah, yeah.

She said it all the time.

So, when you saw her in there,
why'd you let her stay?

Well, I didn't see her. You took her.

You mean you didn't
have the decency to go?

You told me not to,
to avoid the emotion of it all.

Well, I told you not to
because I was sticking her

in a bang 'em and bin 'em joint.

- What?
- They're much cheaper!

I'm starting to think I
had you pegged all wrong.

I'm sorry, can we go back to the
"bang 'em and bin 'em" thing?

To think I trusted my life with you,
when you would treat

your mother like that.

I bet you'd let me get
spit-roasted by Latin Kings

just like that, wouldn't you?

I'm sorry,
I can't follow this conversation.

- Where is my mother?
- And if you think

I'm paying the 40 grand
you owe that flight school,

you got another thing coming!

- I owe them? I can't afford that.
- Yes!

Well, then you probably can't
afford the bin 'em joint,

'cause that shit ain't free, bozo!

- Where are you going?
- I'm out of here! Have a nice life!

And... kiss my ass, dirtbag.

I can't afford any of this!

Okay.

This powder is a major histamine toxin.

The second Dennis drinks it,

his throat's just gonna
start to seize right up.

After a few minutes, Mac, you jab him

with that EpiPen... you save his life.

- After a few minutes?
- Yeah.

15, 20 tops. Just until he flatlines.
Then you bring him back.

- Uh, no, Dee, we're not gonna do that.
- Wait, what?

You're not gonna poison him?

You don't think Dennis is gonna see

right through this silly ruse?

- All right.
- Yeah. Now, Frank, on the other hand...

- Yeah. Now, Frank's not gonna see through it.
- No.

So-so that's why we invited Frank.

Because Charlie and I can jump
to action and save Frank's life.

- Together.
- Now... Yeah. Now, of course,

Dennis will see through
that ruse as well,

but he'll be very impressed

with how far I'm willing to go
to prove my worth to him.

- Then Dennis will love me.
- Frank's not gonna

read into any of this.

He's just gonna be
happy that I saved him.

Listen,
consider the flatline though, okay?

'Cause I really got to know
what people see on the other side.

- Yeah. They're coming. Shut up. Shut up.
- Shut up, Dee. Dee.

- Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
- Frank! Dennis!

Here, uh, come-come on. Have a seat.

Thanks for joining us, guys.

Uh, Frank, I, uh...
I picked up your hair for you, so...

Dennis, you're looking better.

I'm feeling better,
Mac, no thanks to you.

Okay, guys,
I'd-I'd like to make a quick toast,

if I could, before we begin.

Oh, my God! Why?

Why are you people all here?

Hey, man, don't interrupt, okay?

We're not ready to order. Go.

Well, I couldn't take
your order if I wanted to,

because I'm just here
to beg for my job back,

thanks to this guy.

Do I know you?

- Unbelievable.
- I don't know what's going on here.

- Can I get a whiskey, pal?
- Can I have one as well?

Okay, guys, uh, before we begin,

I-I'd like to make a-a quick speech.

Frank... look,

we all understand why
you were mad at us.

You have every right to be.
But I'd like to make a peace offering.

I sharpened my teeth, FYI.

That's good.
Wish you'd let me do it, but...

- Please don't interrupt. I...
- Charlie, would...

- could you get to the...
- Yeah, okay. Uh...

Over here is the peace offering.

Oh. Whoa. Is that a... is that a shake?

Yeah. Can you guys just
not interrupt me though?

- Can I have that, please?
- No.

- It's not for you.
- Uh... - No. Yeah, no, no.

Because th-that's blue,
and you don't like blue, Dennis.

Uh, well,
I would very much like to have it,

because I do feel like the
shakes are finally kicking in

and that's why I'm feeling
a little bit better, so...

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Well, no, it's not for him, okay?

- It's for Frank.
- I'm not interested.

He doesn't want it,
so I would like to have it, please.

Absolutely not. I forbid it.

Stop trying to prove yourself
to me in all the wrong ways, Mac.

Yeah, look, Frank,
just drink the shake, okay?

You have to have it.

- He doesn't want it!
- Somebody drink it!

Give it to Dennis, for crying out loud.

- Give it to me!
- No! Absolutely not!

Why not, goddamn it?

- Because it's poisoned!
- Oh!

- Uh, what?
- I had to tell him!

- He was gonna...
- Oh, come on!

- It was gonna be his blood and...
- There's poison in it.

- We poisoned it.
- Excuse me?

- It has a little bit of poison in it.
- It has poison in it.

- Poison in it.
- It's got... It's poisoned.

You were gonna poison me, Charlie?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. And I was as well.

It's just...
But I was gonna save you, dude.

Me, too.

- Like, right afterward.
- Immediately.

I should've done that
in the first place, man.

- Me, too.
- Shut up, Mac!

You're stepping on my...

Look, Frank, I'm sorry, dude.

I screwed up, man.

I should've saved you,

and I'll always save you
from now on, I promise.

Thanks, Charlie.

I knew you had my back.

And I had your back, too, with the plan.

I was gonna...

- do the plan...
- Yeah, Mac glommed on

- to my thing and...
- Yeah, and save Frank.

- Yeah.
- And then you were gonna be impressed by that

- and see that you need me as well.
- Oh.

Okay. I think I understand.

So you were still gonna
rely on a decision

that somebody else made,
only, this time,

you were potentially gonna kill a man?

Are you not pleased?

- No.
- Holy shit. I think Dee drank the shake.

Dee, did you... Dee?

- Oh! - Holy shit.
- Oh, Dee!

- That's okay. I have this.
- Uh, okay.

- Hit her with it, man.
- All right, go.

- No.
- I'm telling you to do it.

I don't need you to tell me
what to do, Dennis.

I'm going to make my own decision.

Oh, Mac, now is not the time for this...

Charlie, shut up!
I'm done with your plans.

- She ain't moving, man.
- She wanted to see the other side,

and I want Dennis to see that
I can make my own decision.

Oh, my God!
What is wrong with you people?!

Okay. Uh... Ah.

I saw it! I saw the other side.
I didn't like it.

I hated it. It was just blackness.

There's nothing there. It's just dark.

That's it. Just lights out.
I don't want to do that anymore.

I don't want to live on the edge.
I don't want to die. Thank you.

Thank you so much, whoever you are.

Hey, dude, can we get some,

- like, bread sticks and menus and, you know...
- Yeah.

- I mean, we've been here a while.
- Dinner and a show.