It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 8 - The Gang Tends Bar - full transcript
It's Valentine's Day and Paddy's is packed with customers. Dennis implores the gang to do one day of actual work but everyone else is distracted by a mystery crate Cricket spotted in the alley. Eventually, the gang becomes convinced Dennis really wants them to work on their relationships and everyone shares their grievances without much resolution.
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Charlie: Oh, that's fresh, dude.
Yeah, that's real nice.
Seriously, you're gonna bring
that up again? Jerry, Jerry,
Jerry-- I'm so sick
of hearing about Jerry, man.
Everything is "Jerry"
out of you mouth.
Hey, hey, hey, uh,
ch-Charlie, I need a new keg.
This one's tapped, buddy.
Yeah, give me a second.
Like, if Jerry
jumped off a bridge
would you jump off it, too?
Which bridge?
Guys, guys...
Which bridge, really?
Yeah, yeah.
Guys, guys,
please stop arguing, okay?
Can you just...
Can you do your jobs today?
We got a bunch of customers
in here.
I want to take advantage of it.
Look, can you just tell him
to get rid of Jerry first?
I'm sorry, I don't even
know who that is.
My tapeworm.
You have a tapeworm?
Yeah, he got a worm.
Yeah. Got a tapeworm.
And you named it?
Jerry.
Jerry.
Yeah, okay, great.
Look, guys, can
we not do this? Can we
not talk about worms
or sewers or rats today,
with all these
people in here? We got
a good thing going.
Charlie, new keg.
Well, I just think maybe
I'm a little sensitive
because it's Valentine's day
and I don't really
want to hear about Jerry
all day long.
But, yeah, fine,
what do you want-- you want me
to put pink ink
in the beer or something,
make it all inky and pink?
I...
No, no, no, no.
I don't want to do
Valentine's day shit, okay?
I don't want to do that. All
right, look, all these people
are in here today because they
don't have people who love them
and get them shit
on Valentine's day. All right?
So, can we not remind them
of that with inky beer?
All right, fine. Can you just
tell him to get lost, then?
And then we'll go back
to the way things were.
Who?
Jerry.
The worm?
Yeah.
It's an intestinal parasite,
incapable of
complex thought.
You just described
my ex-husband.
Oh...
Oh...
Yeah, he's a...
He can't think, yeah.
That's pretty funny.
Hey, Dee! Yeah!
All right, Dee!
Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!
Dee! Dee! Dee!
Dee is in the house,
uh, Dee is in the house,
uh, Dee is in the house.
Oh...
Oh...
Thanks for the chant,
guys. What's up?
Yeah, no,
we were talking about
the new Dee, the funny one.
Her? Why are you calling her
Dee?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, well, she's like a new
regular. She's been coming in
here. You know, trying
to make her feel more at home.
It's a nickname,
short for dottie.
Then call her dot.
Nah, we already started calling
her Dee and it kind of stuck.
You know, can't really
change it now. It's locked in.
That's my nickname, bitch.
Don't you take my nickname.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, hey!
You bitch! Get out of here!
What are you...
Don't-don't yell at the
customers, okay? Look, we got
a good thing
going here, all right?
We got a bunch
of new customers in here.
We got a regular,
we might get more regulars.
Let's not screw this up.
Mac: Guys, guys.
I've got news,
I've got glorious news.
Oh!
Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!
Mac is in the house,
Mac is in the house.
Thanks for the chant, guys.
Listen, I need everybody
to drop everything
and come out to the back alley.
There is an unopened crate
out there.
An un... an unopened crate?
Crate? Oh!
Crate?
Hey, there's a crate!
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
We got a crate. We have a crate.
Let's go!
No.
What, what?
Stop, hey, stop!
What? What?
Stop! Stop.
We got a bar full of
customers here.
So what? Oh! Oh, shit, okay,
okay, you know what I'll do?
Um, I can put a fan
next to the yuck puddle,
and the smell's
gonna clear everybody out.
Oh!
I don't want to clear
everybody out. I'm saying
why are we running
out of the bar to-to look
in some dumb crate?
Well, it's not about the crate.
It's about the mystery
of what's inside the crate
that gets us.
Yeah, the straw.
Yeah. Well, not
the straw, though.
No.
Not the straw?
No, not the straw.
Whatever's in the crate, like...
Oh.
Yeah, it's worth a look.
It's not worth a look.
It's trash. There's nothing
in there. There never is.
This is what I'm saying. Why...
We're always running outside,
out into the world, looking
for riches and treasures
when we've got everything
we need right here.
Oh, you're saying we do, like,
a booze for money type scheme.
That's good. Who came up with
that? Who came up with that?
Oh. Was it me?
Whoever invented
the idea of a bar.
Which is what we
decided to do years ago
when we bought this goddamn
place. So, can we please,
for once in our lives, not
go chasing after crates?
You know, and talk about worms?
Right? Yelling at the
customers and shit?
Can we just do the one thing
we've never tried?
Can we just do our jobs?
'89, good.
Damn drunks.
Rum and coke, Tequila soda.
Pay me.
All right, that's gonna be five.
Out of 20.
Yup.
Aw, she wants another mojito.
Looks like our regular's
got herself a usual.
You bet.
Yo. I am all done with my work.
Can we go check out
that crate now?
What? You're not done.
Shit, how'd you know?
Because the bar's
still open.
You're not done
till we close.
Hey, what do you say
you and me go out the back
and check out that crate.
Just the two of us--
no one else has to know.
Just to get it off our minds.
It's not on my mind, okay?
Let it go. Christ, five people
have walked in here since
we started this conversation.
Can you go check their ids
so we don't get another
underage drinking situation
on our hands?
Just got my mind on that crate.
Right, well,
get your mind on your job.
Frank: Done, done, done.
Done with my work.
Oh, Christ,
they're like dominoes.
Frank, you're not done
until the end of the day.
I already cooked the books.
How about you don't cook the
books so we can actually tell
how the business is doing?
Oh, well...
It's crazy. How are
we ever gonna...
Oh, the soda gun's
clogged.
Dude, can you go clear
the lines for me?
Trick Charlie into doing it.
Well, I want you to do it.
I can't trick Charlie.
Charlie's pretending
to ignore me
because he's jealous of Jerry.
I-i don't want you
to trick Charlie.
I want you to clear the lines.
Speaking of Jerry--
break time.
What do you mean?
Lunch.
I'm craving salty,
but Jerry likes sweet.
What are you doing?
Don't-don't
reach your hands
directly in the...
This is sweet.
Oh, Jesus Christ,
get out of here,
frank, you're an animal.
He won't stop eating,
yet he's just
wasting away.
Yeah.
I mean, can you
believe them?
You know, I can't even play
night crawlers with him anymore
'cause he doesn't
want to offend Jerry.
I'm gonna stop you there,
Charlie, because
I've exhausted
my daily quota of worm talk
and worm-related issues.
What are you doing?
Yeah.
Don't reach your hands in there!
Why not?
Jesus Christ...
Oh, god. Look,
can you just... can you please
go clear the lines for me?
Are they clogged?
Yeah.
Just trick Dee into it.
It's not a tri...
See, this is the problem.
You guys all think that work
is tricking people.
It's not. It's just your job.
So, can you please go do it?
In all the time
that we've talked about tricking
each other into doing our jobs
we could've made 1,000 drinks.
Yeah, maybe. All right,
let me see if I can
trick Mac into it first.
Don't trick anybody,
just do it... oh, goddamn.
I need two shots
of whiskey.
More shots of whiskey.
Okay, yes, nice.
Finally, somebody's
actually working.
You know what,
i appreciate that, Dee.
I appreciate you.
All right,
what are you doing?
No, no, no, no, no.
That was a big one. Thank you.
The other one, too.
Yeah, that's
what this is. Okay, so,
clearly, you're not busy,
so, I need somebody
to clear the lines.
The soda gun's clogged.
Did Charlie ask you to trick me?
Trick you? No, the...
It's not a trick.
The soda gun is clogged,
i cannot make drinks.
I don't know.
I don't trust Charlie today.
You know,
i made him a Valentine--
he hasn't given me shit
yet in return.
Why the hell did you do that?
We don't do valentines anymore.
I know, but we used to,
and it was fun,
you know?
It was a goof.
It wasn't a goof. You guys were
supposed to give Valentine's
cards to each other, but instead
you were just sticking hate mail
in a suggestion box
covered in hearts.
I'll give it to you, though-- it
got a little nasty at the end.
A-a little bit nasty?
One of you put Anthrax
in the box.
Or do you not remember
the Anthrax scare?
Oh, ho, I remember
the Anthrax scare.
To many, 9/18 was
the delivery world's 9/11.
That's a good point.
No, I'm talking about
a different Anthrax scare,
but it shouldn't concern you.
Stop it!
She just talks
too much.
Hey-oh!
Oh!
Cricket!
Cricket!
Cricket!
Hey, you guys mind
if I go in the bathroom
and smoke some pcp?
Charlie: No, dude, you do you!
Frank: Go for it.
Mac:
You do you!
You do you!
You do you!
We don't judge,
cricket, we don't judge.
What are you doing?
Guys, guys, guys, what
in the hell are you doing? Yeah,
cricket.
Cricket.
Cricket. This has got to stop,
you guys. This is nuts.
We can't go around
encouraging homeless men
to smoke pcp in our restrooms,
you know, trying to trick
each other into doing our jobs
and getting fired up at
the-the mere mention of a crate.
Oh, but it's just such
a mystery, isn't it?
Yeah.
Cool crate.
Can't stop thinking about it.
It really isn't though.
It's just trash.
It's trash
that somebody left behind.
Hey, but if it's mystery
you want,
you know, what about the mystery
of the yuck puddle?
What the hell is that thing,
you know? Why won't it dry up?
Why won't it harden?
It shifts.
I've seen it shift.
He's seen it shift. You
see, we shouldn't have
an amorphous shifting
blob in the bar, you know?
So why don't you
and Mac go solve
that goddamn mystery by
cleaning it up, you know?
And, oh, what about the mystery
of the clogged soda gun,
you know? Dee, why don't
you and frank go solve
that mystery by
clearing the lines?
Well, that's-that's
not such a mystery.
And we could probably trick
cricket into doing it.
Oh, why don't we just trick...
Cricket doesn't work here
though.
But that's free labor.
Yeah, yeah.
That's kind of
better.
Get him for free.
You're not...
You're not getting...
Hey, just do your jobs!
Just do your jobs.
Why isn't it getting
any smaller?
Can I be honest, dude?
I think this thing's alive.
Oh, that must be
what all the bubbling's about,
'cause it's, like, trying
to communicate.
It definitely feeds. I-I've
found bones in it, man.
So it wants to live.
Yeah, dude,
i don't know
what I'm gonna do during
the next inspection,
'cause i-i can't get rid
of this thing.
So Dennis has sent us
in here to do the impossible.
Absolutely. Dude, what is
going on with him, right?
Like, there's got to be
something in this whole
"do your job" angle.
'Cause that doesn't sound like
Dennis to me, you know what i
mean?
I know, dude.
He's acting, like, so weird,
especially towards me.
I think it's because I'm gay
and he's, like, totally
uncomfortable with it.
Y...
Well, no, 'cause he's known that
forever, so it's, you know...
Well, he may have suspected
it before, but there's no way
he could have known for sure.
'Cause I show no outward signs
of being gay, and that's just
the end of the story, all right?
But, look, either way, he's been
acting very distant towards me,
and I feel like he sent me in
here to punish me or something,
because, I agree, the whole,
like, "do your job" angle
just seems, like, totally out of
the blue, and, like...
It's,
like, a bullshit thing, right?
Like...
Unless... oh, my god.
What?
Charlie, he doesn't want us
to work at all.
He doesn't?
No.
He doesn't want us to mop up
the yuck puddle.
He wants us to "mop up
the yuck puddle."
Oh!
Of emotions.
What?
It's a metaphor.
For what?
He wants us to talk through our
personal issues and be more open
with our feelings
because it's Valentine's day.
Oh! Weird. That doesn't sound
like Dennis, but, uh...
Go with me here, dude.
Valentine's day is an entire day
okay.
Dedicated to feelings, something
that Dennis doesn't have.
Right, that's true.
And so that's why he hates
Valentine's day so much.
But he's entrusted me,
because I'm a gay man
and clearly more sensitive
than the rest of you,
well, no,
to break down
those walls.
But okay. All right.
All right, cool.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, okay, so I'll share first.
Okay.
Okay. I have a huge surprise
for Dennis, but I feel like he's
not emotionally available to...
Uh, uh,
frank's gonna leave
me for Jerry, man.
Oh, uh, I was talking. But, uh,
I guess we'll, um...
We'll do your thing first.
You know he's only doing this
to get a rise out of you, right?
Oh, that's so Jerry.
No,
not Jerry. Not the worm.
Never the worm.
We're talking about frank, okay?
If you just pretend
to like the worm,
then he'll probably
just get rid of it.
Oh, shit. You think so?
I know so, buddy.
Nice, man. All right.
Yeah. Okay, now back
to my thing.
Yeah, that just gave me
a great idea. Thanks, Mac.
If I just give...
Charlie, if you just...
You're not gonna let me talk?!
So, uh, you're
gay, huh?
For pay or for free?
Uh, for free, I guess.
Chump.
It's taking forever.
Ugh.
Try sucking
on the other end, maybe.
I'm not sucking on the other
end. Get that shit in my mouth?
No, thanks. And what the
hell's going on with Dennis?
Since when does he care
how the bar does?
I don't know.
It doesn't add up.
I can't get a read on him these
days. He's just always cranky
and irritated.
Rage-filled, rape-y.
It's like,
as the years go by, he just
gets more and more irrational.
Yeah, yeah.
Especially with this
whole "work the bar" angle.
I mean, what is that?
Unless...
Oh, my god.
Dennis doesn't want
us to work the bar.
He doesn't?
No! He wants us to
work on ourselves.
What the shit
are you talking about?
Just go with me here. It's
Valentine's day, right,
a day we all used to love
and enjoy until we turned
on each other
with the hate mail.
Dennis wants us to work
through our personal issues
so we can enjoy
Valentine's day again.
I got it.
Yeah. Okay, so I'm
gonna go first.
I'm so mad at Charlie,
because I made him a Valentine,
and, you know what,
he didn't even really...
I gave myself Jerry on purpose.
Well, I was right in the middle
of a sentence, but... what?
I gave myself the tapeworm.
Well, that is the most
disgusting thing I've...
How,
you're wondering.
No, I don't.
No, thanks.
I bought poop on the dark web
and stuffed it up my butt
to lose weight.
Jesus Christ.
Uh, that's enough.
Yeah.
Well, it took
about four ounces of it.
I-i...
That's enough! I
don't want to know!
With the tip of a teaspoon.
Okay... frank!
How else?
Stop answering questions
I'm not asking, okay?
I'm done, I'm done.
I had to hold my knees
above my head for a half hour
and clench my sphincter.
Stop! Stop!
Charlie,
I'm mad, and I think
we need to clear the lines.
Huh?
Uh, just-just trick
somebody else into it.
No, that's not
what I'm...
Wh-what
are you doing?
I'm trying to
write a Valentine. I just...
- Oh.
- Okay.
Uh, okay. Well, I'll just,
uh, let you finish.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
Okay.
I also got you a box
of chocolates, so...
Right.
Oh, oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Dee, Dee, Dee.
Yeah.
Um, c-can you think
of a word that
rhymes with "Jerry"?
What?
I can't think of one.
Are you making a Valentine
for frank's tapeworm?
Well, not if I can't think of
a word that rhymes with "Jerry."
You son of a bitch.
What?
I can't believe
you don't know!
I have no idea!
Oh, and literally everything
rhymes with "Jerry," okay?
Scary, hairy, mother Mary,
oh, oh,
quite contrary.
Shit, yeah, okay, good.
Woozy, woozy.
Woozy from sucking lines.
Ho.
All right, frank, frank, frank, before you do another thing,
I wanted to give you
a Valentine.
Unbelievable!
Right in front of me?
You did?
Yeah-huh.
Charlie. Well...
Well, it's for both of you guys,
but, these,
these are just for Jerry.
No.
Charlie. Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, that's so sweet. Thank...
Look at that.
You dick.
You shouldn't have. Mmm.
No! No, he didn't.
Listen to me, I got these
for him, all right? So no.
Mmm?
I got these.
Our blood sugar's low. Mmm.
Oh, guess what,
i bought these for him.
Mmm...
You fool!
It's so good,
Charlie.
Those chocolates
that you're
so gleefully devouring
are chock-full
of bye-bye Jerry pills.
You wouldn't.
Oh, but I would, frank.
You see, I knew you'd never take
the pills willingly.
But Jerry...
Jerry likes sweet, doesn't he?
You poisoned me.
No. No, he poisoned me.
At worst, you're
properly medicated.
You son of a bitch.
Charlie.
Bye-bye...
Jerry!
I'm poisoned.
Poisoned!
I'm poisoned.
What are you doing?
We've been poisoned.
No, no.
No, no, no,
nobody's been poisoned.
They're just...
And there's plenty more poison
where that came from!
Dennis:
Uh, there is no...
So, don't even think
about trying to get
another worm, frank.
And there are no-no worms.
Nobody has worms.
Well, not anymore
they don't.
Dennis: Don't leave.
Please, don't leave.
Guys, what are you doing?
Take this discussion
someplace else.
No, I'm good because I've had
a great Valentine's day.
Bye-bye, Jerry.
Are you serious?!
You son of a
bitch, Charlie.
You screwed me, okay?!
What are you talking about?
You know what...
Screw you, Charlie!
I'm not gonna let some worm
beat me on Valentine's day.
Don't talk about...
Why are you going
on and on about it?
I... I did this
for you, Charlie.
What?
I gave myself Jerry on purpose.
Why would you do that?
To slim down for you.
Why would you... why would you
slim down for me? What?
Because I overheard you
on the phone saying,
"he got flabby."
No, no, no, buddy.
I never said that.
I sa... i-i-i said
you were crabby
because you smelled crabby...
'Cause you've been eating
all those sewer
crabs, man, but..
Take it outside.
It was a compliment.
I love when you
smell like crab, frank.
Take the conversation
someplace else.
Okay? Don't do it here.
You-you didn't think
i was too fat?
Well, no, you were
fat as shit, pal,
but I loved you that way, frank.
Fat and crabby.
Frank:
So, you want to
try and get this
dead worm out of me?
Charlie: I would love
to pull that dead worm
yeah?! Come on.
Out of you.
Come on, now oh...
Stop, stop! Goddamn it, stop.
What are you guys doing?
Huh?
What are you
talking about?
Getting the worm.
You-you're gonna talk
about pulling a dead worm
out of his ass?
Don't do that. Please, don't
talk about these things.
Now, by the
grace of god,
we somehow still
have dottie here
so, please, don't
scare her away.
Sorry, dottie.
Who's ready to die, bitches?!
Dennis: Dee...
Frank: Whoa!
No. What are you doing
with the Valentine's box?
Put that down.
All right,
just think
about what you're
doing, Dee.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Okay, okay, fine.
Dee, just don't mention...
I am busting out the Anthrax.
Charlie: No!
And I'm out.
Dennis:
Dottie, no.
No, you don't have to go.
Oh, goddamn it!
Charlie.
I'm getting a
goddamn Valentine
right goddamn now,
or so help me god...
I will end us all.
No, don't.
Give the bitch
what she wants.
I will...
I'm so frustrated right now.
Okay, fine, Dee.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna sing you a song.
Okay? A Valentine's
day song?
All right?
Is that... will that work?
Fine. Sing a song.
Okay.
Uh... a Dee song.
Nothing rhymes with Dee.
Every...!
Everything rhymes with Dee.
I mean, literally,
everything rhymes...
Okay.
Okay, fine. I'll-I'll
think of things.
Okay, j-j-just
relax. Uh, uh...
just say bee.
Uh, bee.
Right? I didn't
think of that.
Uh...
what's a pound carrot?
Go with pound cake.
thanks, Charlie.
You can't rhyme very well,
but...
Torrent downloaded by RARBG
That was...
That was really...
Really pathetic.
What?
I wrote a couple words
on a construction paper,
pink and red,
and you sing a heart song
for me?!
You made me do it!
Yeah! And you said you loved me!
Ew!
You bitch!
Look, that song was derivative
of a song I wrote
for the waitress,
anyway, then.
Yeah, but guess what?
Frank, grab that Anthrax!
Grab it! Grab it!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Stop! Stop! Stop.
What are you...
What are you guys doing?!
All right, this is nuts!
This is crazy!
I mean, i-i-i can't believe
we blew another opportunity
to have a working bar.
To have a successful business
together!
Because you assholes get so
worked up over Valentine's day,
the dumbest holiday
that ever existed!
But I thought you were
trying to get us to focus
on ourselves and focus
on Valentine's day.
What?!
Are-are you insane?!
I... all I've been saying is
to please focus on the bar!
But you just couldn't do it!
Dennis, I got to say,
i feel like this is
just about something else.
It's...
It's not about
something else, it's...
The bar is fine.
Yup.
This is... something else is up.
It's always fine, yeah.
Charlie:
You know what it is?
This is 'cause you
hate Valentine's day.
It's not because
I hate Valentine's day.
It's because i-i just want...
No, that's what it is.
He's trying to distract us
from Valentine's day.
Mm-hmm.
That's it.
I'm not trying to
distract anybody from valen...
Yeah, you know why,
though, you guys?
That's
the thing, yeah.
It's because he doesn't
have any feelings and we do.
Yeah, because we have
feelings and you don't,
and that's why you hate
Valentine's day.
Oh, stop!
Goddamn it!
I hate Valentine's day because
you assholes never
got me anything!
Okay, and I have feelings!
Of course I have feelings!
I have big feelings, okay?!
A-and it hurts.
Okay, so...
So... that's why I hate
Valentine's day,
and that's why I put Anthrax
in the box.
That was you?
Yes, it was me.
I just...
I just wanted it to stop.
Okay? And it's powdered sugar,
by the way.
Oh, he's already
eating it.
I knew that.
Mac:
Dennis.
Dennis:
What?!
I got the crate.
So what?!
Open it.
I'm not gonna open
a goddamn crate, Mac!
There's nothing in it!
Just open it.
You want me to open the crate?
I'll open the goddamn crate.
If it'll get you to stop
focusing on it and get you
to stop focusing
on this goddamn
Valentine's day bullshit.
I don't know why
you're so excited
about this goddamn thing.
There's never anything insi...
What is this?
It's a gift.
I got it for you.
For me?
Yeah.
You, uh...
You got this for me?
I ordered it off the dark web.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
Yeah.
And how did you, um...
How did you know
that I wanted an rpg?
'Cause I know you, man.
Also, you casually
mention rpgs, like,
a weird amount.
Is this true?
Charlie: Yeah.
You were talking about
rocket launchers today,
yeah, you talk about them.
I think, yeah.
Dee: That was today.
This is, uh...
This is cool.
I still think
Valentine's day is
a bullshit holiday,
but, um...
...this is nice.
Want to shoot it?
Yes.
Where's the rocket?
Yeah, that should be,
uh... shit, I...
There's no rocket.
No rocket in there?
There's no rocket?
Ah, there's no rocket!
They forgot to put
the rocket in there!
Dude, I'm so sorry!
Mac, I don't care.
I love it.
You figured out the one thing
I wanted more than anything else
in the entire world
and you got it for me.
And...
...it's perfect.
Happy Valentine's day.
Yeah.
Charlie, let's go get
this worm out of my ass.
Let's do it, man.
All right.
Okay.
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
look, as we all know,
everything is about
emotion with women.
Right, Dee?
What?
Oh, my god! Whoa!
Whoa.
All right, Dee.
Relax.
We're trying to have
a rational conversation.
Sunny. All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on fxx.
I am a very dangerous man
to know.
Announcer: Taboo.
All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on fx.
Announcer: Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30.
Only on fxx.
Chip!
What are you doing?
Chip!
I'll pick those up.
Oh, god!
If I get cheese in this,
it'll be finished.
Woman: David?
Man: He's making me nervous.
Don't touch me!
Legion.
David: Is this real?
All new wednesdays at 10:00.
On fx.
Take an hour
of his time.
Wow. Look at
Stan's yard.
Someone's been busy.
Clearly not in ours.
Maybe Henry can do
some work today.
Yeah.
I forget your back
is always bad
this time of year.
Only when there
are leaves--
when did you
wash this last?
All new, wednesdays at 10:30.
Only on fxx.
Fxx presents it's always sunny
in Philadelphia.
Charlie: Oh, that's fresh, dude.
Yeah, that's real nice.
Seriously, you're gonna bring
that up again? Jerry, Jerry,
Jerry-- I'm so sick
of hearing about Jerry, man.
Everything is "Jerry"
out of you mouth.
Hey, hey, hey, uh,
ch-Charlie, I need a new keg.
This one's tapped, buddy.
Yeah, give me a second.
Like, if Jerry
jumped off a bridge
would you jump off it, too?
Which bridge?
Guys, guys...
Which bridge, really?
Yeah, yeah.
Guys, guys,
please stop arguing, okay?
Can you just...
Can you do your jobs today?
We got a bunch of customers
in here.
I want to take advantage of it.
Look, can you just tell him
to get rid of Jerry first?
I'm sorry, I don't even
know who that is.
My tapeworm.
You have a tapeworm?
Yeah, he got a worm.
Yeah. Got a tapeworm.
And you named it?
Jerry.
Jerry.
Yeah, okay, great.
Look, guys, can
we not do this? Can we
not talk about worms
or sewers or rats today,
with all these
people in here? We got
a good thing going.
Charlie, new keg.
Well, I just think maybe
I'm a little sensitive
because it's Valentine's day
and I don't really
want to hear about Jerry
all day long.
But, yeah, fine,
what do you want-- you want me
to put pink ink
in the beer or something,
make it all inky and pink?
I...
No, no, no, no.
I don't want to do
Valentine's day shit, okay?
I don't want to do that. All
right, look, all these people
are in here today because they
don't have people who love them
and get them shit
on Valentine's day. All right?
So, can we not remind them
of that with inky beer?
All right, fine. Can you just
tell him to get lost, then?
And then we'll go back
to the way things were.
Who?
Jerry.
The worm?
Yeah.
It's an intestinal parasite,
incapable of
complex thought.
You just described
my ex-husband.
Oh...
Oh...
Yeah, he's a...
He can't think, yeah.
That's pretty funny.
Hey, Dee! Yeah!
All right, Dee!
Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!
Dee! Dee! Dee!
Dee is in the house,
uh, Dee is in the house,
uh, Dee is in the house.
Oh...
Oh...
Thanks for the chant,
guys. What's up?
Yeah, no,
we were talking about
the new Dee, the funny one.
Her? Why are you calling her
Dee?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, well, she's like a new
regular. She's been coming in
here. You know, trying
to make her feel more at home.
It's a nickname,
short for dottie.
Then call her dot.
Nah, we already started calling
her Dee and it kind of stuck.
You know, can't really
change it now. It's locked in.
That's my nickname, bitch.
Don't you take my nickname.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, hey!
You bitch! Get out of here!
What are you...
Don't-don't yell at the
customers, okay? Look, we got
a good thing
going here, all right?
We got a bunch
of new customers in here.
We got a regular,
we might get more regulars.
Let's not screw this up.
Mac: Guys, guys.
I've got news,
I've got glorious news.
Oh!
Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!
Mac is in the house,
Mac is in the house.
Thanks for the chant, guys.
Listen, I need everybody
to drop everything
and come out to the back alley.
There is an unopened crate
out there.
An un... an unopened crate?
Crate? Oh!
Crate?
Hey, there's a crate!
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
We got a crate. We have a crate.
Let's go!
No.
What, what?
Stop, hey, stop!
What? What?
Stop! Stop.
We got a bar full of
customers here.
So what? Oh! Oh, shit, okay,
okay, you know what I'll do?
Um, I can put a fan
next to the yuck puddle,
and the smell's
gonna clear everybody out.
Oh!
I don't want to clear
everybody out. I'm saying
why are we running
out of the bar to-to look
in some dumb crate?
Well, it's not about the crate.
It's about the mystery
of what's inside the crate
that gets us.
Yeah, the straw.
Yeah. Well, not
the straw, though.
No.
Not the straw?
No, not the straw.
Whatever's in the crate, like...
Oh.
Yeah, it's worth a look.
It's not worth a look.
It's trash. There's nothing
in there. There never is.
This is what I'm saying. Why...
We're always running outside,
out into the world, looking
for riches and treasures
when we've got everything
we need right here.
Oh, you're saying we do, like,
a booze for money type scheme.
That's good. Who came up with
that? Who came up with that?
Oh. Was it me?
Whoever invented
the idea of a bar.
Which is what we
decided to do years ago
when we bought this goddamn
place. So, can we please,
for once in our lives, not
go chasing after crates?
You know, and talk about worms?
Right? Yelling at the
customers and shit?
Can we just do the one thing
we've never tried?
Can we just do our jobs?
'89, good.
Damn drunks.
Rum and coke, Tequila soda.
Pay me.
All right, that's gonna be five.
Out of 20.
Yup.
Aw, she wants another mojito.
Looks like our regular's
got herself a usual.
You bet.
Yo. I am all done with my work.
Can we go check out
that crate now?
What? You're not done.
Shit, how'd you know?
Because the bar's
still open.
You're not done
till we close.
Hey, what do you say
you and me go out the back
and check out that crate.
Just the two of us--
no one else has to know.
Just to get it off our minds.
It's not on my mind, okay?
Let it go. Christ, five people
have walked in here since
we started this conversation.
Can you go check their ids
so we don't get another
underage drinking situation
on our hands?
Just got my mind on that crate.
Right, well,
get your mind on your job.
Frank: Done, done, done.
Done with my work.
Oh, Christ,
they're like dominoes.
Frank, you're not done
until the end of the day.
I already cooked the books.
How about you don't cook the
books so we can actually tell
how the business is doing?
Oh, well...
It's crazy. How are
we ever gonna...
Oh, the soda gun's
clogged.
Dude, can you go clear
the lines for me?
Trick Charlie into doing it.
Well, I want you to do it.
I can't trick Charlie.
Charlie's pretending
to ignore me
because he's jealous of Jerry.
I-i don't want you
to trick Charlie.
I want you to clear the lines.
Speaking of Jerry--
break time.
What do you mean?
Lunch.
I'm craving salty,
but Jerry likes sweet.
What are you doing?
Don't-don't
reach your hands
directly in the...
This is sweet.
Oh, Jesus Christ,
get out of here,
frank, you're an animal.
He won't stop eating,
yet he's just
wasting away.
Yeah.
I mean, can you
believe them?
You know, I can't even play
night crawlers with him anymore
'cause he doesn't
want to offend Jerry.
I'm gonna stop you there,
Charlie, because
I've exhausted
my daily quota of worm talk
and worm-related issues.
What are you doing?
Yeah.
Don't reach your hands in there!
Why not?
Jesus Christ...
Oh, god. Look,
can you just... can you please
go clear the lines for me?
Are they clogged?
Yeah.
Just trick Dee into it.
It's not a tri...
See, this is the problem.
You guys all think that work
is tricking people.
It's not. It's just your job.
So, can you please go do it?
In all the time
that we've talked about tricking
each other into doing our jobs
we could've made 1,000 drinks.
Yeah, maybe. All right,
let me see if I can
trick Mac into it first.
Don't trick anybody,
just do it... oh, goddamn.
I need two shots
of whiskey.
More shots of whiskey.
Okay, yes, nice.
Finally, somebody's
actually working.
You know what,
i appreciate that, Dee.
I appreciate you.
All right,
what are you doing?
No, no, no, no, no.
That was a big one. Thank you.
The other one, too.
Yeah, that's
what this is. Okay, so,
clearly, you're not busy,
so, I need somebody
to clear the lines.
The soda gun's clogged.
Did Charlie ask you to trick me?
Trick you? No, the...
It's not a trick.
The soda gun is clogged,
i cannot make drinks.
I don't know.
I don't trust Charlie today.
You know,
i made him a Valentine--
he hasn't given me shit
yet in return.
Why the hell did you do that?
We don't do valentines anymore.
I know, but we used to,
and it was fun,
you know?
It was a goof.
It wasn't a goof. You guys were
supposed to give Valentine's
cards to each other, but instead
you were just sticking hate mail
in a suggestion box
covered in hearts.
I'll give it to you, though-- it
got a little nasty at the end.
A-a little bit nasty?
One of you put Anthrax
in the box.
Or do you not remember
the Anthrax scare?
Oh, ho, I remember
the Anthrax scare.
To many, 9/18 was
the delivery world's 9/11.
That's a good point.
No, I'm talking about
a different Anthrax scare,
but it shouldn't concern you.
Stop it!
She just talks
too much.
Hey-oh!
Oh!
Cricket!
Cricket!
Cricket!
Hey, you guys mind
if I go in the bathroom
and smoke some pcp?
Charlie: No, dude, you do you!
Frank: Go for it.
Mac:
You do you!
You do you!
You do you!
We don't judge,
cricket, we don't judge.
What are you doing?
Guys, guys, guys, what
in the hell are you doing? Yeah,
cricket.
Cricket.
Cricket. This has got to stop,
you guys. This is nuts.
We can't go around
encouraging homeless men
to smoke pcp in our restrooms,
you know, trying to trick
each other into doing our jobs
and getting fired up at
the-the mere mention of a crate.
Oh, but it's just such
a mystery, isn't it?
Yeah.
Cool crate.
Can't stop thinking about it.
It really isn't though.
It's just trash.
It's trash
that somebody left behind.
Hey, but if it's mystery
you want,
you know, what about the mystery
of the yuck puddle?
What the hell is that thing,
you know? Why won't it dry up?
Why won't it harden?
It shifts.
I've seen it shift.
He's seen it shift. You
see, we shouldn't have
an amorphous shifting
blob in the bar, you know?
So why don't you
and Mac go solve
that goddamn mystery by
cleaning it up, you know?
And, oh, what about the mystery
of the clogged soda gun,
you know? Dee, why don't
you and frank go solve
that mystery by
clearing the lines?
Well, that's-that's
not such a mystery.
And we could probably trick
cricket into doing it.
Oh, why don't we just trick...
Cricket doesn't work here
though.
But that's free labor.
Yeah, yeah.
That's kind of
better.
Get him for free.
You're not...
You're not getting...
Hey, just do your jobs!
Just do your jobs.
Why isn't it getting
any smaller?
Can I be honest, dude?
I think this thing's alive.
Oh, that must be
what all the bubbling's about,
'cause it's, like, trying
to communicate.
It definitely feeds. I-I've
found bones in it, man.
So it wants to live.
Yeah, dude,
i don't know
what I'm gonna do during
the next inspection,
'cause i-i can't get rid
of this thing.
So Dennis has sent us
in here to do the impossible.
Absolutely. Dude, what is
going on with him, right?
Like, there's got to be
something in this whole
"do your job" angle.
'Cause that doesn't sound like
Dennis to me, you know what i
mean?
I know, dude.
He's acting, like, so weird,
especially towards me.
I think it's because I'm gay
and he's, like, totally
uncomfortable with it.
Y...
Well, no, 'cause he's known that
forever, so it's, you know...
Well, he may have suspected
it before, but there's no way
he could have known for sure.
'Cause I show no outward signs
of being gay, and that's just
the end of the story, all right?
But, look, either way, he's been
acting very distant towards me,
and I feel like he sent me in
here to punish me or something,
because, I agree, the whole,
like, "do your job" angle
just seems, like, totally out of
the blue, and, like...
It's,
like, a bullshit thing, right?
Like...
Unless... oh, my god.
What?
Charlie, he doesn't want us
to work at all.
He doesn't?
No.
He doesn't want us to mop up
the yuck puddle.
He wants us to "mop up
the yuck puddle."
Oh!
Of emotions.
What?
It's a metaphor.
For what?
He wants us to talk through our
personal issues and be more open
with our feelings
because it's Valentine's day.
Oh! Weird. That doesn't sound
like Dennis, but, uh...
Go with me here, dude.
Valentine's day is an entire day
okay.
Dedicated to feelings, something
that Dennis doesn't have.
Right, that's true.
And so that's why he hates
Valentine's day so much.
But he's entrusted me,
because I'm a gay man
and clearly more sensitive
than the rest of you,
well, no,
to break down
those walls.
But okay. All right.
All right, cool.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, okay, so I'll share first.
Okay.
Okay. I have a huge surprise
for Dennis, but I feel like he's
not emotionally available to...
Uh, uh,
frank's gonna leave
me for Jerry, man.
Oh, uh, I was talking. But, uh,
I guess we'll, um...
We'll do your thing first.
You know he's only doing this
to get a rise out of you, right?
Oh, that's so Jerry.
No,
not Jerry. Not the worm.
Never the worm.
We're talking about frank, okay?
If you just pretend
to like the worm,
then he'll probably
just get rid of it.
Oh, shit. You think so?
I know so, buddy.
Nice, man. All right.
Yeah. Okay, now back
to my thing.
Yeah, that just gave me
a great idea. Thanks, Mac.
If I just give...
Charlie, if you just...
You're not gonna let me talk?!
So, uh, you're
gay, huh?
For pay or for free?
Uh, for free, I guess.
Chump.
It's taking forever.
Ugh.
Try sucking
on the other end, maybe.
I'm not sucking on the other
end. Get that shit in my mouth?
No, thanks. And what the
hell's going on with Dennis?
Since when does he care
how the bar does?
I don't know.
It doesn't add up.
I can't get a read on him these
days. He's just always cranky
and irritated.
Rage-filled, rape-y.
It's like,
as the years go by, he just
gets more and more irrational.
Yeah, yeah.
Especially with this
whole "work the bar" angle.
I mean, what is that?
Unless...
Oh, my god.
Dennis doesn't want
us to work the bar.
He doesn't?
No! He wants us to
work on ourselves.
What the shit
are you talking about?
Just go with me here. It's
Valentine's day, right,
a day we all used to love
and enjoy until we turned
on each other
with the hate mail.
Dennis wants us to work
through our personal issues
so we can enjoy
Valentine's day again.
I got it.
Yeah. Okay, so I'm
gonna go first.
I'm so mad at Charlie,
because I made him a Valentine,
and, you know what,
he didn't even really...
I gave myself Jerry on purpose.
Well, I was right in the middle
of a sentence, but... what?
I gave myself the tapeworm.
Well, that is the most
disgusting thing I've...
How,
you're wondering.
No, I don't.
No, thanks.
I bought poop on the dark web
and stuffed it up my butt
to lose weight.
Jesus Christ.
Uh, that's enough.
Yeah.
Well, it took
about four ounces of it.
I-i...
That's enough! I
don't want to know!
With the tip of a teaspoon.
Okay... frank!
How else?
Stop answering questions
I'm not asking, okay?
I'm done, I'm done.
I had to hold my knees
above my head for a half hour
and clench my sphincter.
Stop! Stop!
Charlie,
I'm mad, and I think
we need to clear the lines.
Huh?
Uh, just-just trick
somebody else into it.
No, that's not
what I'm...
Wh-what
are you doing?
I'm trying to
write a Valentine. I just...
- Oh.
- Okay.
Uh, okay. Well, I'll just,
uh, let you finish.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
Okay.
I also got you a box
of chocolates, so...
Right.
Oh, oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Dee, Dee, Dee.
Yeah.
Um, c-can you think
of a word that
rhymes with "Jerry"?
What?
I can't think of one.
Are you making a Valentine
for frank's tapeworm?
Well, not if I can't think of
a word that rhymes with "Jerry."
You son of a bitch.
What?
I can't believe
you don't know!
I have no idea!
Oh, and literally everything
rhymes with "Jerry," okay?
Scary, hairy, mother Mary,
oh, oh,
quite contrary.
Shit, yeah, okay, good.
Woozy, woozy.
Woozy from sucking lines.
Ho.
All right, frank, frank, frank, before you do another thing,
I wanted to give you
a Valentine.
Unbelievable!
Right in front of me?
You did?
Yeah-huh.
Charlie. Well...
Well, it's for both of you guys,
but, these,
these are just for Jerry.
No.
Charlie. Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, that's so sweet. Thank...
Look at that.
You dick.
You shouldn't have. Mmm.
No! No, he didn't.
Listen to me, I got these
for him, all right? So no.
Mmm?
I got these.
Our blood sugar's low. Mmm.
Oh, guess what,
i bought these for him.
Mmm...
You fool!
It's so good,
Charlie.
Those chocolates
that you're
so gleefully devouring
are chock-full
of bye-bye Jerry pills.
You wouldn't.
Oh, but I would, frank.
You see, I knew you'd never take
the pills willingly.
But Jerry...
Jerry likes sweet, doesn't he?
You poisoned me.
No. No, he poisoned me.
At worst, you're
properly medicated.
You son of a bitch.
Charlie.
Bye-bye...
Jerry!
I'm poisoned.
Poisoned!
I'm poisoned.
What are you doing?
We've been poisoned.
No, no.
No, no, no,
nobody's been poisoned.
They're just...
And there's plenty more poison
where that came from!
Dennis:
Uh, there is no...
So, don't even think
about trying to get
another worm, frank.
And there are no-no worms.
Nobody has worms.
Well, not anymore
they don't.
Dennis: Don't leave.
Please, don't leave.
Guys, what are you doing?
Take this discussion
someplace else.
No, I'm good because I've had
a great Valentine's day.
Bye-bye, Jerry.
Are you serious?!
You son of a
bitch, Charlie.
You screwed me, okay?!
What are you talking about?
You know what...
Screw you, Charlie!
I'm not gonna let some worm
beat me on Valentine's day.
Don't talk about...
Why are you going
on and on about it?
I... I did this
for you, Charlie.
What?
I gave myself Jerry on purpose.
Why would you do that?
To slim down for you.
Why would you... why would you
slim down for me? What?
Because I overheard you
on the phone saying,
"he got flabby."
No, no, no, buddy.
I never said that.
I sa... i-i-i said
you were crabby
because you smelled crabby...
'Cause you've been eating
all those sewer
crabs, man, but..
Take it outside.
It was a compliment.
I love when you
smell like crab, frank.
Take the conversation
someplace else.
Okay? Don't do it here.
You-you didn't think
i was too fat?
Well, no, you were
fat as shit, pal,
but I loved you that way, frank.
Fat and crabby.
Frank:
So, you want to
try and get this
dead worm out of me?
Charlie: I would love
to pull that dead worm
yeah?! Come on.
Out of you.
Come on, now oh...
Stop, stop! Goddamn it, stop.
What are you guys doing?
Huh?
What are you
talking about?
Getting the worm.
You-you're gonna talk
about pulling a dead worm
out of his ass?
Don't do that. Please, don't
talk about these things.
Now, by the
grace of god,
we somehow still
have dottie here
so, please, don't
scare her away.
Sorry, dottie.
Who's ready to die, bitches?!
Dennis: Dee...
Frank: Whoa!
No. What are you doing
with the Valentine's box?
Put that down.
All right,
just think
about what you're
doing, Dee.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Okay, okay, fine.
Dee, just don't mention...
I am busting out the Anthrax.
Charlie: No!
And I'm out.
Dennis:
Dottie, no.
No, you don't have to go.
Oh, goddamn it!
Charlie.
I'm getting a
goddamn Valentine
right goddamn now,
or so help me god...
I will end us all.
No, don't.
Give the bitch
what she wants.
I will...
I'm so frustrated right now.
Okay, fine, Dee.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna sing you a song.
Okay? A Valentine's
day song?
All right?
Is that... will that work?
Fine. Sing a song.
Okay.
Uh... a Dee song.
Nothing rhymes with Dee.
Every...!
Everything rhymes with Dee.
I mean, literally,
everything rhymes...
Okay.
Okay, fine. I'll-I'll
think of things.
Okay, j-j-just
relax. Uh, uh...
just say bee.
Uh, bee.
Right? I didn't
think of that.
Uh...
what's a pound carrot?
Go with pound cake.
thanks, Charlie.
You can't rhyme very well,
but...
Torrent downloaded by RARBG
That was...
That was really...
Really pathetic.
What?
I wrote a couple words
on a construction paper,
pink and red,
and you sing a heart song
for me?!
You made me do it!
Yeah! And you said you loved me!
Ew!
You bitch!
Look, that song was derivative
of a song I wrote
for the waitress,
anyway, then.
Yeah, but guess what?
Frank, grab that Anthrax!
Grab it! Grab it!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Stop! Stop! Stop.
What are you...
What are you guys doing?!
All right, this is nuts!
This is crazy!
I mean, i-i-i can't believe
we blew another opportunity
to have a working bar.
To have a successful business
together!
Because you assholes get so
worked up over Valentine's day,
the dumbest holiday
that ever existed!
But I thought you were
trying to get us to focus
on ourselves and focus
on Valentine's day.
What?!
Are-are you insane?!
I... all I've been saying is
to please focus on the bar!
But you just couldn't do it!
Dennis, I got to say,
i feel like this is
just about something else.
It's...
It's not about
something else, it's...
The bar is fine.
Yup.
This is... something else is up.
It's always fine, yeah.
Charlie:
You know what it is?
This is 'cause you
hate Valentine's day.
It's not because
I hate Valentine's day.
It's because i-i just want...
No, that's what it is.
He's trying to distract us
from Valentine's day.
Mm-hmm.
That's it.
I'm not trying to
distract anybody from valen...
Yeah, you know why,
though, you guys?
That's
the thing, yeah.
It's because he doesn't
have any feelings and we do.
Yeah, because we have
feelings and you don't,
and that's why you hate
Valentine's day.
Oh, stop!
Goddamn it!
I hate Valentine's day because
you assholes never
got me anything!
Okay, and I have feelings!
Of course I have feelings!
I have big feelings, okay?!
A-and it hurts.
Okay, so...
So... that's why I hate
Valentine's day,
and that's why I put Anthrax
in the box.
That was you?
Yes, it was me.
I just...
I just wanted it to stop.
Okay? And it's powdered sugar,
by the way.
Oh, he's already
eating it.
I knew that.
Mac:
Dennis.
Dennis:
What?!
I got the crate.
So what?!
Open it.
I'm not gonna open
a goddamn crate, Mac!
There's nothing in it!
Just open it.
You want me to open the crate?
I'll open the goddamn crate.
If it'll get you to stop
focusing on it and get you
to stop focusing
on this goddamn
Valentine's day bullshit.
I don't know why
you're so excited
about this goddamn thing.
There's never anything insi...
What is this?
It's a gift.
I got it for you.
For me?
Yeah.
You, uh...
You got this for me?
I ordered it off the dark web.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
Yeah.
And how did you, um...
How did you know
that I wanted an rpg?
'Cause I know you, man.
Also, you casually
mention rpgs, like,
a weird amount.
Is this true?
Charlie: Yeah.
You were talking about
rocket launchers today,
yeah, you talk about them.
I think, yeah.
Dee: That was today.
This is, uh...
This is cool.
I still think
Valentine's day is
a bullshit holiday,
but, um...
...this is nice.
Want to shoot it?
Yes.
Where's the rocket?
Yeah, that should be,
uh... shit, I...
There's no rocket.
No rocket in there?
There's no rocket?
Ah, there's no rocket!
They forgot to put
the rocket in there!
Dude, I'm so sorry!
Mac, I don't care.
I love it.
You figured out the one thing
I wanted more than anything else
in the entire world
and you got it for me.
And...
...it's perfect.
Happy Valentine's day.
Yeah.
Charlie, let's go get
this worm out of my ass.
Let's do it, man.
All right.
Okay.
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
look, as we all know,
everything is about
emotion with women.
Right, Dee?
What?
Oh, my god! Whoa!
Whoa.
All right, Dee.
Relax.
We're trying to have
a rational conversation.
Sunny. All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on fxx.
I am a very dangerous man
to know.
Announcer: Taboo.
All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on fx.
Announcer: Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30.
Only on fxx.
Chip!
What are you doing?
Chip!
I'll pick those up.
Oh, god!
If I get cheese in this,
it'll be finished.
Woman: David?
Man: He's making me nervous.
Don't touch me!
Legion.
David: Is this real?
All new wednesdays at 10:00.
On fx.
Take an hour
of his time.
Wow. Look at
Stan's yard.
Someone's been busy.
Clearly not in ours.
Maybe Henry can do
some work today.
Yeah.
I forget your back
is always bad
this time of year.
Only when there
are leaves--
when did you
wash this last?