It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 3 - Old Lady House: A Situation Comedy - full transcript

MAC: No, your mom is the monster, all right?
My mom is the sweet one.
CHARLIE: Oh, the sweet one?
Are you kidding me? Uh, look,
if anything, my mom's aggravatingly sweet,
but we're not having an argument about who's sweeter, what...
Whoa, whoa, hang on a second here, guys.
What are you going on about?
All right, look,
my mom's been calling me,
like, all the time, okay?
She's clearly upset.
Well, how would you know? You don't even answer.
My mom stopped calling me altogether.
Your mom stopped calling you
the day the phone was invented.
My mom has a great relationship with me.
She never calls you! She calls me all the time!
Yes, she does! But I have proof, anyway.
I have proof. Look at this.
I got this in the mail.
Is that, like, a ransom note from Mac's mom?
Huh? No. This-- my mom sent this.
Oh. Why would your mom write a ransom note to herself?
Oh, it's not a... it's not a ransom note.
This is just how she writes notes to me.
That-that's like a bunch of gibberish, Charlie.
I don't know...
Is that a hieroglyph of a dog?
Yeah, that's the animal my mom fears the most, right?
She-she feels trapped inside her own home.
There is no way
you could get that from this.
Oh-oh, okay, guys, guys, guys.
I think I have a pretty simple solution here.
You see, ever since I moved in
with Mac, and Dee and Old Black Man,
my surveillance system's just lying around in storage.
I got about a baker's dozen of cameras.
They're just sitting there.
I say we set them up in your mom's home
and find out what's really going on in there.
That could work. I mean, yeah. Great idea.
You don't think that's creepy? CHARLIE: What?
He's talking about spying on your moms.
So what?
You can't spy
on unsuspecting women.
That's horrible.
Uh, they're not women. They're old.
At a certain point a woman goes from being a woman
to just being an old person.
True. Well, what happens to a man?
A man lives and then dies. Why are we having this argument?
A man remains a man. Dennis, it's a great idea.
Okay, and no one's gonna get hurt.
It's not like they're gonna get exploited in any way, right?
No, no, no, exactly. I think once we have a look
at what's going on in there, we might find the situation
to be, uh, pretty comical.
(laughs)
♪ ♪
BONNIE: Oh, it's so nice of you to bring us
all these lovely gifts, Charlie.
The plant, the globe,
(cooing): and the little teddy bear.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Mom.
No, we aren't gonna touch the gifts, right?
Okay, we don't touch them. We just, we look at them.
Okay. And they look back at you and they... Hands off.
Mom, make sure you don't water this plant.
Your mom's not gonna water the plants. Oh.
She has a very nurturing nature. She would...
Oh, Mrs. Mac, are you gonna water the plants?
(groans)
See. Oh, Charlie.
I'm so glad to see you.
Yeah, okay. I was worried that
you were dead. Why?
(groans)
Oh, my mom also thought I was dead,
and she also loves me very much.
(grunts)
No, I don't.
Oh, she meant the first part.
She meant the first part where I...
because she can't imagine a life without me, right, Mom?
I don't give a shit.
See. I'll put you out
of the misery of this conversation. Mom?
Is there anything you want to tell me
that's going on in the house?
Anything that's bothering you?
Anything you want to talk about? Mom, is there anything
that's going on in the house What are you doing?
that you want to talk about that's bothering you
What are you doing? in the house or I'm asking my mom a simple question.
You're asking her the exact same question I just asked,
so what are you... Do you own all of the questions?
Do you own that question?
You're gonna steal my question. (Bonnie yells)
Ow!
Mom, what happened?
She poured hot soup on me!
I was adjusting my undercarriage,
and I accidentally spilled it.
She poured hot soup on her, dude. She was adjusting
her undercar... Wait a second. What...
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
(gasps) We-we could also get some soup.
No, the-the video. We can go back and watch the video and see Oh, we can watch
what actually happened. and see... Yes.
♪ ♪
(Charlie and Mac arguing indistinctly)
...complain about the soup. She's beating the shit out...
Gentleman, welcome to your moms.
MAC: Wow, man. This is a serious setup.
Yeah, no, it's no joke. I like how you moved the desk.
All right, uh, look, there was an incident with some soup. Yeah.
And, uh, did you get anything? 'Cause I'd like to see
if-if his mom poured on my ma on purpose.
Oh, she definitely did pour it.
And she definitely did it on purpose.
There you go. She's abusing my mom, man.
It's clear as day, but what's really interesting
is what seems to be happening right here
in the live feed.
Oh. You want to sleep. (snoring softly)
Well, I'll sleep you.
(snorts)
CHARLIE: Huh. MAC: Uh--
what the hell, man? That's your mom abusing my mom! Well... No, it's not!
That's just one of those things, you know, like where... What thing?
You know, where you're just like, you're like, it's like
a "Why, I oughta," but, you know, it's no big deal.
Why, I oughta what? Why, I oughta bludgeon you
with a hammer. But she's not actually gonna do it, you know?
It's like how Ralph Kramden on The Honeymooners would always
say, "Why, I oughta." He was threatening to beat his wife.
Uh, yeah. Yeah. You know? I mean, it's-it's funny
'cause he's not actually gonna do it, even though the threat That was funny. Yeah.
is always there. Yeah, he might... Yeah, he might cave her face in,
but he won't. He won't. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But he's not gonna, you know?
That's... Yeah, b... Well, that's funny.
But in this circumstance, it's not funny because it's my mom!
Right, right. Wait, actually, you know what,
we-we don't really know for sure whether it's funny or not.
You know, let-let me try something here. Let me just... (rewinding)
You want to sleep. (snoring softly)
Well, I'll sleep you.
(snorts) (canned laughter)
Hmm. Well, what-what is that?
Well, I don't know, you made me think of, like, sitcoms,
The Honeymooners. I just thought, "This isn't very funny.
But if I add a laugh track, maybe, I don't know.
But it's not a show. This is their lives.
Yeah, but it-it does kind of lighten it up for me.
Well, yeah, it did lighten it. But I'm not saying it... Can...
can you play it again without the laugh track?
Yeah, sure. (rewinding)
Well, I'll sleep you. (snoring softly)
(snorts)
See, that goes right back to super dark. It's a bummer without it,
isn't it? It's not funny, it's not funny. Yeah, no.
Yeah, but let me... let me just try it again
with the, uh... (rewinding)
You want to sleep. (snoring softly)
Well, I'll sleep you. (snorts)
(canned laughter) (Dennis, Charlie, and Mac laugh)
That's funny. That's funny! I mean... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's weird, because the situation really isn't funny,
and you add a laugh track... I know, but the laughing tells me that it's funny.
They have timing, man. They have timing, for sure. Yeah. That's great.
I don't understand. Is this a dark situation or a comical one?
Well, we-we don't really know yet, Mac. We don't know. But...
I tell you what, why don't we stick around back here
for a little while. Let's watch how this whole thing plays out.
You know? I'll keep sweetening the situation
as it calls for it,
and you might as well stick around.
(canned laughter)
Did you just ash in my tapioca?
Mm-hmm. (canned laughter)
Yeah. All right, yeah. I like that. (laughs) This is gold.
They got something, man. Like... Uh-huh. It's really working.
I don't know what this is, but...
What's this? Oh, check it out. Mrs. Mac
and Mrs. Kelly have a classic comedic rivalry.
I mean, they're going at it like the greats.
Like Abbott and Costello, Tom and Jerry.
It's amazing. Huh.
Oh, sorry. Fly. (canned laughter)
Buzz off!
(scoffs)
(laughing)
All right, well, you know, if you guys are looking
for a comedy troupe that beats the shit out of each other
for laughs, there's nobody better than the Three Stooges.
Put me on the show.
Whoa. What show? It's not... it's not a show.
Yeah... We're just watching our moms
to figure out what the situation is.
Wh... I mean, it could be a show,
but, I mean, you're right.
It's-it's not a show.
Yeah, well it certainly looks like
you're trying to make a show,
and I think it's a good idea,
and I think you should put me in.
Why? Yeah.
'Cause I'm so much funnier than these two.
Look at them, they're just smashing each other with stuff.
I could add a whole, like,
physical comedy element, you know?
Hey, I smell chips.
What are we watching?
We're not really watching anything, yet.
Until Big Funny shows up.
You'll see.
Ooh.
Mrs. Kelly looks hot on screen.
CHARLIE: Come on, man, knock that off.
FRANK: There's something about people on TV.
Catch me up. W-what did I miss?
Uh, well, the grunty one,
physically abuses the shrill one.
And the shrill one psychologically abuses
the grunty one.
And it really plays.
It's really funny,
And, you know what, uh, actually,
I-I'm gonna try something here, guys.
(happy sitcom music plays)
You are a horrible woman,
and I can't wait until those cigarettes kill you.
And I shall dance on your grave.
(audience laughter)
Yeah.
This is so great!
And having those other people laugh
tells me when I should laugh.
Good. Yeah.
I love that.
And the music that I added makes you
you know that it's light. Yeah.
It's also helping me realize that I think the situation's
okay o-over there, you know?
And-and, honestly, I'm gonna ignore my mom's note,
like I ignore her phone calls.
I think we're good here.
They have chemistry.
And I really love
how playful and fun my mom's coming off.
Well. Uh, no.
Yeah, no, no. Never. No, no.
I actually find your mom very off-putting.
Yeah. She's hard-hard on the eyes.
Tough on the eyes.
And you know what else?
Like, super one-note. Yeah.
No! No, no, no, no.
My mom's got lots of notes.
She's a symphony.
She's getting so many laughs.
She's pushing the... I'm concerned about longevity.
I mean, she's getting laughs from us,
now, sure, but, uh, I think that we're gonna
have a problem in the long run.
You just don't understand the nuance
of her performance. CHARLIE: I don't.
Cut to a close-up.
We need more close-ups.
(hacking and gagging)
Mmm.
(mouthing)
CHARLIE: And she's constantly looking directly
into the camera somehow.
She's repulsive. She is repulsive.
You know what? I'm gonna go over there
and-and I'm gonna show you.
Sh-she can pop, okay?
She's gonna pop. You'll see.
(phone rings) Uh-oh. (humming)
Hang on. What's up?
My mom's trying to call me.
Hmm. Oh, wait, wait, wait, you know what?
Don't pick up. Don't pick up.
Oh, no, I never would. Okay, good.
But let's let that play out.
Camera one.
Oh, Charlie.
Charlie, please pick up.
One, two, three.
Charlie, where are you?
One, two, three.
Oh.
God, it's me, Bonnie.
I'm so worried about my Charlie boy.
Please don't have him be in a ditch somewhere,
or squished between two trains,
and his body mangled,
so if they move the trains,
all his guts and bodily fluids
and organs spill out.
Please, God...
don't have him die.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
I knew it.
She's a star.
Huh. Charlie.
This-this could be huge.
Yeah? I mean,
I think this really could be a show,
with your mom as the star, I mean,
imagine what that would do for your mom.
I mean, w-what do you think?
Oh, shit.
Well, now I'm thinking
about my mom starring in a show, and I like it.
Um, now I'm thinking about minotaurs.
Now I'm thinking about a hoagie sandwich.
Now I'm thinking about a glass of water to go with the chips.
How-how many of my thoughts do you need?
Do you want me to go on and on, or...
No, that's... We're good.
Mom, you know that I think you are the most captivating
and beautiful woman in the world, don't you?
No. Oh!
I got something for you.
Sort of brighten you up a little bit.
What the hell is that?
Lipstick.
"Heartbreaker."
Just like you.
I ain't wearing no lipstick.
Come on, Mom.
Be-be agreeable,
which makes you rootable,
which makes you likeable.
(bleep) you!
That's a joke.
That's a joke, we will beep that, I think.
He will beep that, and that'll be... funny.
Uh, you know, let me just, uh,
try and put some of this...
Buzz off!
That's good-- buzz off.
You know, that's like, uh, a call back,
which could become a catchphrase.
You should probably think of a few more
so you're not just too one-note.
What about, um,
"I can't even."
Or, "That went well."
I'm gonna take a shit.
That's not a good catchphrase.
It is healthy, though.
(shouting): Oh...
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
(laughs)
What are you doing?
Just the wacky neighbor, swinging by
with the usual hijinks.
Aga-aga-aga-agoo.
(crunching)
I'm sorry.
Do I hear someone upstairs?
Oh, neighbor!
Just swingin' by to say, "Hello."
Will you look at that?
I've got my dumb head stuck in the banister.
Dee's a nightmare, dude. It's awful.
CHARLIE: You're not gonna try and put a laugh in, or...
Uh, nowhere to put it.
Yeah, you can't tell where the jokes
are supposed to be. Exactly.
Whoops. (chuckles) Okay.
It's actually a little bit stuck-- Mac?
(groaning): Mac, you want to come pull on me?
Dee, I-I don't know what you're doing,
because n-none of this is playing,
and you're not funny at all and--
Hey, you know what, Dee?
From here, what you're doing
actually is kind of funny.
I wish we could get Mac out of there.
Oh, I know. Terrible.
He's making me sick. Yeah. Ugly.
♪ ♪ (doorbell rings)
Mrs. Kelly, can you please help me out?
Uh, my head is really stuck.
Um, I don't do well with emergencies,
and I have to answer the door.
(muttering)
Hi, Jack. Hi, Bonnie.
Just stopping by to pick up that hard drive
I accidentally left under the floorboards.
Oh, come on in. Okay.
Man, what is Uncle Jack doing there?
He's awful. Yeah, so creepy.
He's gonna ruin the show.
Yeah, that creepy pedophile vibe
he's got going on is going to be a tough sell.
You know, even in Europe.
Uh, let me try something here.
Let me take that jacket.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Thank you.
Mm.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
(laughing): That's funny from over here.
Yeah, yeah, just give me a good push on...
W-what are you doing? Hey, w-w-what are you doing?
(loud fart) (audience laughing)
What the hell was that, man?
Wh-what, that fart?
I'm just trying some new stuff.
No, n-n-not the fart, no.
The fart's good. Yeah, no, I'm talking
about the-the sound effects under my uncle.
What-what... ? Well, uh...
I'm trying to make him likeable
by turning him into the romantic lead.
Romantic lead?
They're brother and sister.
Yeah, the audience doesn't know that.
Well, you know what? I want to see her
bang somebody, but not him.
Yeah. All right.
What-what if you make him like a,
like a spy or something, right?
And he's looking for his hard drive, right?
Because spies are always looking for hard drives.
Or, or, or how about if you write in
some scumbag stranger comes in off the street,
and goes to town on Bonnie.
All right, look, I don't want to over-write this thing.
And-and all of a sudden you want to turn it into a spy thriller?
Well... That's... I don't want to genre jump.
Let-Let's just see how the romantic lead thing plays out
for a minute here. All right.
All right. All right?
♪ Life is hard on your own ♪ Oh!
♪ Life is hard on your own ♪ Ow!
♪ But here's a place to call home ♪
♪ Old Lady House, where there are no laws ♪
♪ Old Lady House ♪
♪ They're in menopause ♪ (farts)
♪ Old Lady House ♪
♪ You'll never be alone. ♪
Yeah?
(chuckles) What... what do you guys think?
I mean, um, obviously, the audio is temp, you know.
But we could keep my singing voice if you like it.
I like it. I like it, and it feels like a real show,
and I love all the letters flying around on the screen.
Those are interesting. Those are names,
uh, 'cause it's a credit sequence, which is... Okay.
pretty good, but-but why isn't my mom in the credit sequence?
'Cause I feel like she was popping.
You're lucky your mom's in the credit sequence at all.
Because I'm writing her off. She's terrible. Let's...
Yeah, the word thing you did was good. Yeah, it was good, right?
I mean, we got to get somebody younger in there,
somebody hipper, somebody who's more fun. Yeah.
you know, preferably somebody of color. Okay.
What are you talking about? You can't kick my mom out.
She lives in the goddamn house.
Well, I'm gonna cut around her, then.
Yeah, we're gonna... Until the ethnic comes, and then
we're gonna need your mom's room. We're gonna get an ethnic.
You can't get rid of my mom! I'm getting rid of her.
I'm going to cut around her. Mac,
she's out, she's out. I'm gonna...
This is... He thinks she pops.
She's terrible. Yeah.
♪ ♪ Oh, Mrs. Kelly, Mrs. Kelly.
Mrs. Kelly, hold on. Just give me one second. Ooh! One, two, three.
One, two three. What? What?
One, two, three. Oh, my God, what?
(audience applauds) Hi, Frank.
What are you doing here?
(whispers): I came to see you.
Oh! Frank, is that you? Hey,
come help me out, I'm stuck.
Not now, Deandra.
(audience laughs)
Oh, by the way,
none of the stuff you're doing is playing.
Except for the fart stuff.
What fart stuff?
See? You should have farted after you said that.
Just come help me get out of this thing.
Put a fart in, Dennis. What?
(farts)
Oh, goddamn it, what's Frank doing over there?
I... You know what, I think he's playing the scumbag
who comes in off the street to bang your mom.
Well, I don't want him banging my mom, dude. Shit.
(audience laughs)
Oh! Uh, hi, Frank.
I didn't know, uh, Bonnie was
gonna be having company. I would have put my hands on.
How embarrassing.
Get lost. I'm gonna bang your sister.
You got it.
Goddamn it, dude,
This is gross. I-I don't want this.
Can we turn this into something else? I mean...
Well, maybe... You know what, maybe we could turn this into,
like, a love triangle thing
between Jack, your mom and Frank?
No, I don't want a love triangle between...
Well... I don't want any shape of love between them.
That's just gross.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
I'll be in the upstairs attic
rooting around if anyone needs me.
Yeah, I do. I need you. Oh, I'll be up there, Dee.
U-Uncle Jack... Come on, Bonnie. This boner
ain't gonna last forever. Okay.
(audience laughs, applauds)
Yeah. Goddamn it, though, he's really gonna bang her? Yeah.
Did Mac put a camera in my mom's room?
No, I did.
Listen, people... it does not matter
how you people try to ruin this thing.
I will make it work, because I'm a genius.
MAC: Now look at the... plant!
Look at the plant.
Now look at the globe. Up. Back to the plant.
Can't cut around her when she's in every shot, can you, Dennis?
And look at the teddy bear. And the plant. Great.
This disgusting bitch is in every shot?
I don't want to stand here no more.
I got to take another dump.
Oh, look, Mom, no more shitting, all right?
Um... and when you go, are you not having a full elimination?
I mean, why are you going so much?
(audience laughs, cheers) Mom?
Mom, where are you?
Don't try and steal focus, Charlie.
Charlie, can't breathe. What? What?
Help. Help, Charlie.
Get off me, you crazy bitch! (grunts)
Mom, look, no more shitting!
Let's go, we got to go where the action is. Oh!
Mom! Frank!
Come on, stop banging!
Charlie. What a pleasant surprise.
Get off me, man. Gett off!
Mom stays in the picture. Let's go, come on!
Charlie! I only got to third! Come on, get out of here.
Go. You can have any woman you want-- it's got to be my mom?
Hey, come on, what are you doing?
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, Mom,
we got to go where the action is. Come on.
FRANK: God... Goddamn it!
I was sliding into home, Charlie.
Get out of here, Frank. Aw, come on.
Son of a bitch. Get lost! Charlie! Aw...
I can't breathe. You guys, I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna die in this banister.
Charlie, what's going on?
Look, I'm coming clean. We've been watching you guys, right?
The presents that we brought over-- they're hidden cameras.
The teddy bear, the globe-- all that shit.
I don't know how you didn't see it. And then we
turned it into a show. The show was pretty good.
We had chips. But look-- this all started 'cause you
sent me this in the mail. I got freaked out.
Well, I sent it to you because I missed you,
I wanted to see more of you.
♪ ♪ That's all that is? It's not because you feel trapped
in your own home and you guys are fighting too much
or whatever it is?
No. We get along great.
(grumbles)
Oh, but this makes me feel so much better.
Now that I know that you're watching me.
(grumbles)
My mom feels the same way.
And she also says that she loves me
and misses me. Well, shoot,
all right, well, why don't we bring it on in
for a hug, huh? Okay!
This was all just one big misunderstanding.
Get off me, dude. Get off. What are you doing? Get off.
(farts)
(laughter)
DENNIS: ♪ Old Lady House ♪
♪ You'll never be alone. ♪
I got to say it: that's the best episode yet. That is!
It's a classic! Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I love the button
at the ending. Yeah? Oh, that was the biggest joke
in the show. The biggest moment. It was, it was. DEE: Was it?
I mean it, really. Oh, well, guys, look, I told you--
I know my physical comedy. Yeah.
Right? Okay, yeah.
Oh! Oh! What are you doing?
What's wrong? Hey.
Show's been cancelled, guys.
What?! Wha...
I got a four-episode sex arc.
Nah, nah. You know, now-now that everybody knows
they're being filmed, it's more like a reality TV show,
and I just can't enjoy it when the people who are being filmed
know they're being filmed. Yeah, but what about
our show, man? What about making my mom famous?
It's just not funny anymore. Oh, oh,
oh, oh-- I know how to make it funny. (grunts)
(farts) Oh!
What? Oh, I...
I just shit my pants.
Oh, God! Oh! Oh, God.
Oh! Oh, God.
Oh, Dee. That's not funny.
I just meant to fart. I didn't...
I didn't... Oh, my God! Without the laugh track
that's, like, really horrible. Yeah, you're just
a grown woman who shit her pants.
(audience laughs) ♪ ♪
Now it's funny again.
DENNIS: ♪ Life is hard on your own ♪
♪ Life is hard on your own ♪
♪ But here's a place to call home ♪
♪ Old Lady House, where there are no laws ♪
♪ Old Lady House, they're in menopause ♪
♪ Old Lady House, you'll never be alone. ♪
(trio chanting backwards)