It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 10 - Dennis' Double Life - full transcript

I'm gonna steal this picture
right out from under your nose,

and you know I can do it.

Are you threatening me?

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in Philadelphia.

Charlie: So Dennis hasn't even
seen the apartment yet?

Mac: No. No. Yeah, Dennis lost
a bet, and I got to redesign

our old apartment.
He is gonna flip!

Ooh. Nice.
Ah.
That's great. I'm just

excited to have my old
place back to myself.

And guys,
after the grand opening,

we finally get a chance
to fire...

...The rocket launcher.

Ooh.
Yes!
Nice, dude!
You got a rocket!

It finally came in the mail,
and now we have

the perfect opportunity
to celebrate with it.
Oh.

Charlie: Yeah,
that will be good.
Fire in the hole.

Guys, guys, guys,
listen, listen. There's a girl.

She's coming, okay?
There's a girl-- Mandy.

Okay, she's here to stay,
all right?

And-and-and you guys have
to take my lead because

I'm-I'm another guy,
so don't address me

as me because I'm somebody else.
Are we us?

Well, yeah, of course you are.
I don't want to be me.
Can I be someone else?

No. You have to be you, okay?
All of you are yourselves,

except for Dee.
Okay, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Are you right-handed,
or left-handed?
That won't come up.

Well, it could come up.
It won't!
Charlie: Okay.

I'm gonna go with left then.
I'll go with left.
Cool. Left.

Let's go with the hand
that I am, for Christ's sakes.

Hey! Mandy. Hi.

Hey. Ooh.

Why'd you run up ahead
of me there, Brian?

Oh, I had to use
the bathroom super bad.

Mandy:
Oh.

So, this is the hangout spot
then, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
these are my friends.

Mandy:
Oh, so that

must make you
prudence then.
Yes.

Uh-huh. Yes, it does.
Dennis:
Yeah.

Mandy: Oh.
He is prudence,
and I'm Griffin.
No, he's Mac!

He's just Mac,
so don't... yeah.

And that's Charlie,
and that's frank.

And he's left-handed.

Yeah.
Oh.

I suppose I didn't
know that about you.

Yeah. No, well, there was really
no reason for it to come up.
Mama.

Uh, guys,
this is, uh,

Mandy.
Hi.

Is this is, uh... this
is little Brian junior.

Oh.

Yeah. He's my son.

well, I'm gonna
go with left-handed.

Left-handed or
right-handed, man?
What's going on here, dude?

All right, look,
you guys remember

when we did that boggs thing.

We flew out to California?
Well, if you recall,

I actually got off
in north Dakota.

Right? Being out of town,
i thought, naturally,

I'm gonna have a little bit
of fun, you know, so,

I picked up Mandy there
at an applebee's.

Oh.
I was pretending
to be

an airline pilot who flies out
of Philly named Brian Lefevre.

I went to an old character.

I needed a complete back story
for the manipulation.

Of course, of course.
Yeah, but wasn't prudence
Brian's wife?

Yes, but in this scenario,
she's my sister.

See, I'm always tweaking things
based on the situation.

And needless to say,
it worked like a charm.

But, uh, five months later,

she calls me up, tells me
she's pregnant.

Oh!
Mm.
Christ, what am I gonna

do here? And need I remind you,

once she finds out
that I'm not who I said I was,

and that I don't have any money,
she could come after the bar.
Dee: Ah.

She could be entitled to that?
Ah... shit.
All right, guys,

guys, everybody just
calm down, all right?

Maybe it's not about money
for her. Look, as we all know,

everything is about
emotion with women.

Right, Dee?
What?!

Whoa.
Whoa.
Oh, my god. Whoa!

All right, Dee, relax.
Charlie:
Oh, whoa.

Rrr.
We're trying to have

a rational
conversation, okay?

Yeah, we're trying to help
our friend here.
Look, I think the point is,

maybe we got to close
the emotion door

for Mandy by telling her
that you're gay.

Yeah, right, but I already
had sex with her.

How am I gonna
convince her I'm gay?

Just go with me here.

Brian's not above having a
one-night stand with a woman,

but he's got no room
for her emotionally

because he's
in love with me.
With you?

Well, yes, the lover
is me, of course.
Mm.

Next plan.
Frank:
That plan

stinks, because it's always

about money with women.

That's all there is to it.

So I think the best
thing to do is

to find a guy
who's got more money than you,

like in that movie,
uh, indecent proposal.

You get a millionaire
to bang her for a million bucks.

She takes the money
and runs.

Would you sleep with her
for a million dollars?

No way.
It's too much money.

All right, next plan. Dee.

Yeah, no, I've got a great plan,

but, uh, I'm thinking that this
isn't my problem, and, also,

you guys wouldn't listen to me
no matter what I said.

Good point. Charlie, plan.

I got it. If I just get

the waitress pregnant, she's
gonna be tied to me for life,

so, I got to do that.

He's already on
to another thing.

All right, Christ, uh,
i got to do something here.

Fine. Mac, we'll go
with your plan.
Yeah!

Yes! Yes.
Mm.

Is the apartment ready?
Yes. You are not

gonna believe
what I did to it.

Surprise!

Huh. It looks, uh...

Exactly the same.

I was able to track down
versions of our old furniture,

and even found replicas

of all the knickknacks
that burned in the fire.

It's bizarre.
Bizarre in a good way.

No.
You don't like it?

No.

Hey, so, I don't mean
to interrupt here, fellas,

but I'm a little bit confused.

You never told me
you had a roommate.

It's time, Brian.

Here's where things get
a little bit tricky.

Um... there's really
no easy way to say this,

but, um, Mac and I aren't
just friends.

He's actually my, uh...
Lover.

Partner.
Yes, well, we
do make love.

We don't actually
make love...
He's the power bottom.

Now he generates a
tremendous amount of power...
Yeah. No, I...

...from the bottom.
I don't. I don't, actually.

Don't sell yourself
short. He does.
No, no. It's not that I...

It's just
that we don't have sex.

Yeah, I, uh...
I sleep with women,

but I'm emotionally
involved with Mac,

which is why...

And this is the hard part-- I...

I don't really...
I don't have room emotionally

in my life for you.

Okay. Uh... wow.

Well, I'm a little bit
shocked here.

Sure.
Mm.
But

I guess the most
important thing is

for Brian, Jr. to have
a relationship with his father.

And you know, Mac, you seem
like a real stand-up fella,

so, if you boys
are open to it,

the only thing
i can think of better

than junior having one dad
is, well, him having two.

Ee.

Yeah. No.
Wow. I wasn't
expecting that.

We're the type
of guys that, um...

Who would
love this.

Oh!

Yeah. Coming.

Hey, come on in.

All right, Charlie,
you got 15 minutes,

and it's a dollar
a minute starting... now.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. No,
we're not doing this. Uh-uh.

Uh, now hear me out.
It's not about sex.

Okay, good.
It's about
having a baby.

And I'm gone.
Uh, no, no, no, hang on.
Hang on, one...

Just one second. Come on.

Look, I know you've always
wanted a baby, right?

I see you. You poke
around the preschools

and the playgrounds, and you got
that longing look in your eye.

Oh, god, that's so creepy.

Well, look, I can
tell you this.

It...

It's not gonna
happen for you.

Excuse me?
Yeah, you ain't gonna have
a baby. Check this out.

Your life has been on a slow,
but steady decline for years.

You were a coffee
shop waitress, right?

On-again, off-again
troubles with alcohol.

Living in a
women's shelter.

And finally, all women's
achilles' heel-- time.

Okay. Are you done?

Because I feel like
there's more.
No.

I'm seeing, like, a whole...
Yeah, this is... I'm
getting to the good part.

Look. Frank will
provide for us.

Right? He's got
tons of money.
Mm-hmm.

You're never gonna
have to work

another day in your
life. See? Zzz.

All the way to sitting on
the beach in Rio de Janeiro.

Driving the Lane
to fame.

Okay, so...

The point is this,
life with Charlie and a baby...

...looking pretty good.

Did you really think
that this was gonna work?

Did you really think that...
Well...

...you would just have me
in here and you could just...

Hurl insults at me.

Huh?
I've tried everything
for years with you.

And I just...
At this point,

I just don't know
what else to say.

Oh, my god!

Stop saying things to me.

Don't you understand that

this is never gonna happen,
so let it go.

Look, w-why?
You won't ever tell me why.

You just say no,
and you won't give me a shot.

I don't understand
what's so terrible about me.

What's so great about me,
Charlie?

What's wrong with you?

Why are you so obsessed with me?

I mean, you said it yourself,
I'm a mess.

So, why don't you just
go find somebody better?

Well...

'Cause there is no one better.

And...

I love you.

Yes.

Those jerks are finally gone.

Time to stretch out around here.

Frank: Heyo.

What's the haps, Dee?

What are you doing, frank?

Oh, Charlie's doing a thing

at the apartment tonight,

so I'm gonna crash here.

Okay?
No, get a hotel.

You know what, do you mind
if I take the bed?

Because I got a little
pinched nerve in my neck.

It's driving me crazy.

Wh-- yeah, I mind.

I'm gonna go
take a steam bath,

so why don't you whip me up
a bowl of that popcorn.

That smells so good.

No. I'm not
gonna do that.
Thanks.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Frank! Stop!

Don't get all emotional,
just do it.

I don't want this.

Okay.

They're asleep.

Dude, why did you say you
wanted to raise the kid?

I just got caught up
in the moment, you know?

It was so exciting.

Maybe we should do it.

W-we? We are not
a couple, Mac.

Well, no, we would
just keep pretending.

I am not gonna pretend
to be in a relationship

with you for the entirety
of my child's life.

Are you insane?

Lo-- okay, you know what?
I can't handle this right now.

I'm gonna go
sleep in your room.

You can sleep on the couch.

Oh, no...
W-w-wait, Dennis.

Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.

Uh, hold on one second...
I-i...

What is this?

This is the gym.

Uh-huh.

And where were you
going to sleep?

Well, I figured
since we got so used

to sleeping in the
same bed at Dee's,

that we could
just sort of

continue that here.
Mm-hmm.

You want to sleep
on the couch...

...together.

I'm gonna sleep next
to the dildo bike.

The ass-pounder, uh, 4000,
is an exercise... bike.

That was, um...

That was not as bad
as I expected.

It was amazing.

It kind of was.

It kind of
was amazing.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Oh. Hmm.

What is this? What are
you doing there?

This? Oh, this just
yeah.

Improves the chances
of conception.

Of what?

Of getting pregnant.

Oh. Right.

Uh, the baby.

Right.

Hey, you know,
speaking of which, um,

I think we're gonna need

to make some changes
around here.

Oh.

Like what?

Um, well, I think you need
to repaint, for starters.

Wh-why would I do that?

Charlie, this... this paint
could be full of lead.

Are you serious?

I can't carry a baby
around lead paint.

Or... or, oh, I'm sorry.

Did you expect me to live
in the women's shelter

while I'm carrying
your child?

Oh, no, um...

I hadn't thought about it,
but you can stay here.

I mean, that's fine.
Okay.

Oh, wow.
Oh, thank you so much.

When this baby
comes out, though,

frank's gonna need to find us
a nicer place to live.

Oh, but I love this place.

Okay, well, I don't,
and it's no place

to raise a child,
so end of conversation.

Whoa.

Hey. Hang on.

You're kind of coming on
strong right now.

Are you serious
right now?
Well, look...

I'm carrying your child.

N-n-n-n-n-n-no.
Carrying my...

I am not finished talking.

Who's idea was this
in the first place?

Look, I'm just saying
if you want to be a mom,

you're gonna have to learn
how to control your emotions.

I need
to control my emotions?

Or I'm not gonna
be a good mother?

Oh, my god!

Torrent downloaded from RARBG

Charlie: Dee!

I'm in trouble here.
What? What are
you doing here?

The waitress is totally, like,
moving into my apartment.

I-i-i can't take it.

I'm gonna need to hide out here
for a few days.

No. No. Hard no.
Get out.

It's like, I didn't think about
the whole, like,

having a baby thing, you know?

It's like one thing to
trap a person with a baby,

but then when you actually
have a baby,

then you become trapped.

What baby thing?
What are you talking about?

And plus,
it's totally turning her

into, like, a different person.

She's, like, acting like a real
bitch now.

She's always been a bitch.
Now who's being
a bitch, Dee?

Come on, I need help here,
all right?

Look, i-i got to sleep, okay?

I can't think straight.

I... ah, Christ--
is he snoring?
Yeah.

Snoring's the worst.
I'm gonna need to crash

next to you, all right?
You know what?
What?

Don't be a whore tonight, Dee,
and try and bang me again, okay?

Because I got nothing left.

I'm spent;
I'm really exhausted.

Too much sex and
too much... stuff.

Just don't be
a whore, okay?

Dee! Egg!
Where is it? Where is it?
There's no eggs here.

Where are your eggs?
Dee, where are your eggs?

Charlie:
Dee, eggs!

Dee, we're looking for
your eggs. We can't find them!
Where are your eggs?

Come on, leave me alone.

Just let me sleep;
I barely slept last night.

Frank:
Dee. Deandra.

Look, don't be
so emotional.

You're being
very emotional.

Frank: Get up and
get us an egg.

I'm getting like calls up the
wazoo from the waitress.

She's asking for, like,
groceries and shit.

I mean, who does that?
No.

Who-who just barges into
someone's apartment

and takes over?
Nobody.

Oh, my god, are you serious?

That's exactly what
you guys are doing!

Uh, Dee, eggs, okay?
I'm freaking out.

What is happening here?

I just got rid of two
annoying roommates.

This is not supposed
to be happening.

God! She's calling me again!

It's like she's
totally stalking me.

Dee, what do I do here?

You have been stalking that
woman for 15 years.

Now she's finally showing
you some attention,

and you don't like it?

Oh, Dee, you know what? Eggs.

I didn't ask for your opinion.

Yes, you did!

Hey, oh, good, Dee.

I need you to watch
Brian Jr. for a few hours.

N-n-n-n-n-no.
Y-y-y-y-yeah.

Frank, what the hell
are you doing here, man?

You're supposed to be
finding my millionaire.

I'm on it.
I'm here trying

to get her to
make us breakfast.

Yeah, we haven't got any eggs.
I need an egg.

Dennis:
Dee, why have you not
made this man his egg?

Do you want to take care
of this child for the rest

of your life,
is that what you want?

Or do you want me to get out
of this situation that I'm in?

I'm gonna smash it!

Oh, Dee, don't
get emotional.

Christ, if you're upset,

smash an egg into
a pan for frank.

Solve problems,
don't cause them.

Oh, gee whiz, look
how fancy this place is.

We don't have anything like this
back in north Dakota.

Oh, yeah? Fascinating.

Um, so, Mandy, um,
we have brought you here,

uh, to meet a gentleman.

Um, I just feel really
oh.

Badly now being able
to provide emotionally for you,

so I thought we could
set you up with somebody

who can provide for you
both emotionally

and financially.

Um, so we are here
to meet a millionaire.

Oh, geez.

I don't know.

Yeah. No, I know.

It's, a, it's a little str...
Oh, oh...

Hey.
Let's do this.

Oh.

Uh, frank, where's the,
uh, millionaire?

I am the millionaire,
I'm the guy.

What?
Mandy,

here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna make you
a decent proposal.

Not an indecent proposal
like in the movie--

because I think to pay
a million bucks to get laid...

That's out of the question.

I'm gonna offer you $5,000.

What are you doing, frank?
Look,

I'm gonna give you
$5,000, we bang,

you take the money, you go up,
you get on a plane,

you fly to wherever the hell
it is in the sticks,

and, uh, you know, $5,000
goes a long way up there.

If you need more money,
call me up,

come back, we bang again.

Price goes down
'cause I already had you.

But if you want
to bring a girlfriend...

Price goes back up.

Well, I don't know
what to say here.
Mac: I do.

Five grand is a lot of
money-- is that offer
just out on the table?

I'm not gonna bang you.
I don't want to bang you,
either, frank,

but I'll power through
for five grand.
Well, no, you wouldn't want to,

because you're emotionally
involved with me.

Aw. Shit. Sorry, Dennis.

Hey. Dennis?
Brian,

I meant. I'm sorry.

Yeah, sometimes...
Brian is his name.

Dennis is his
sex slave name.

He's my gimp.
What? No. I...

I don't have
a sex slave name.
Wait.

I'm not...
Wait, hold on,

what's going on here, Brian?

Frank:
Look,

I'm gonna go to the can
and make my morning move.

You want the cash,
you come on in,
earn it the hard way.

Okay? If the broad comes,

order me an egg.

Well, that was a disaster.
Frank almost ruined everything.

Okay, do you want me to go
down to the car and talk to her?

And spin more perverted tales
about me? Why am I a gimp?

Oh, god, just get your kid
and get out of here, Dennis.
Yeah, I'll get the kid,

but I got to come back because
i need to crash here tonight.

I'm not sleeping next to
Mac's dildo bike again.
What?

No, me too. Your bed is working
wonders for my pinched nerve.

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna
crash here for a little bit too.

I feel like I got to ghost the
waitress for a while on this.

I'm gonna stay as well because
i need to sleep next to Dennis.

All right, then we're gonna need
a lot of eggs.

Dee, how about a carton of eggs?
Ooh!

No, goddamnit, I didn't
want to be wrapped up in this!

I didn't want to be
wrapped up in the kid thing,

that's your mistake.

Listen to me,

I can figure this out,
I've got a new plan

and you're all gonna
goddamn listen up, okay?

It's time for Brian Lefevre
to die.

Over here. Over here.
Hmm?

Go, go, go, go, go, go.
What-- where-- what is-what
is going on here?

I thought-i thought we were
gonna go see the Liberty bell.

There's no time for that,
there's no time.

What-- what is
going on here, Brian?

All right, listen to me, because
we only have a few minutes

before they realize they
can't hear or see us back here.
What? Who?

My name... my name
isn't Brian Lefevre.

My real name...

Is Dane brass.

And I hold top secret
government information.

Okay? They're after me,
that's-that's why everything's
been so weird.

That's why I haven't been
able to speak openly with you.

And you and Brian Jr.,
you'll have to get away from me

because it's-it's not safe.

- What do you mean it's not safe?
- I don't-- Oh, my god.

You're bleeding!
Oh...

Oh, oh.
I've been shot.

Well, I didn't hear any gun...

Oh, well...

Yeah, not there it is there.
That was the sound of it.

Normally you'd... you'd hear
it before you see the blood,

but, uh, not in this case.

Run!

Oh, it's killing me.
Run, Mandy, no.

You... you have to run
and not ever look back.

Or contact me ever again.

And you'll never get
any money or assets from me

because if you do,
it'll be unsafe for you.

Run!

Oh, my god!

They got Dennis.
Dane.

Uh, Dane, of course, Dane.
Dane.

Yeah, he had so many identities,
it's hard to remember...

Frank: We got to get
him to a hospital!

Not a regular hospital,
though, 'cause technically,

he's not supposed to exist.
A bad guy one.

Oh, no, I've lost my lover.

I'll need a new gimp!

Dennis:
I'm not his lover.

Never had sex.
Not a gimp.

Oh, run, Mandy. Oh.

Good-bye.
Uh... good-bye, Mandy, good-bye.

Brian Jr.

All:
Aw.

Well, there it is.

Well...

Okay.

Are you all finished?

Come on.

You can open your eyes now,
i know you're not dead.

Ah, geez.

You big city folks sure like to
complicate things, don't ya?

Look, all I wanted
was for Brian Jr.

To have a father,

but we don't want
to be with a man

who doesn't want to be with us.

So, I guess we'll just...

Be getting back
to north Dakota now.

Okay, now,

you want to come on up here and
say good-bye to Brian Jr.?

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey.
Yeah.

Hey, buddy.

Um...

Good-bye and, um...

You know, you be...

You be good to
your mom and, uh...

Okay, you all done?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.
Okay.

Here we go.

Bye, dada.

Bye.

Well, all right.

It was sure nice
getting to know you all.

Whoever the heck you are.

I can't do this.

What are you talking about, bud?
The plan worked.

No, this-- no,
this-this is crazy.

What are we doing?
I can't-- i-i can't...

I can't do any
of this shit anymore.
Frank: What?

What's going on?

Okay, I'm... I'm leaving.

I'm gonna go be a dad.

Well, hold on a-hold on a
second, you can't just leave.

Frank: Yeah, you can't just go
become a dad, Dennis.

That's not the way it works.

You don't know the
first thing about it.

Well, you know what, frank,
I'll figure it out, okay?

Because I don't want my kid
to grow up like I did.

With some asshole dad
who was never even around.

You talking about me or Bruce?

You!

Okay, you know what?
I-- this is nuts.

I got to... I just got to go.

It's done.
It's done, guys.

Good-bye, paddy's pub.

Good-bye, Philadelphia.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Mac, Dee, frank.

The bar's done.

Charlie:
Well, hang on a second.
Actually,

it's not done.
We're still in here.
It's not done, no.

Shh, just let me...

Don't start talking,
i can tell...

We weren't gonna say anything.
The pause is too big.

Well, this is, again,
this is why I'm leaving.

Oh, good-bye.

Mac: Good-bye.
Dee: Good-bye.

Hmm.
Bye.
Hmm.

I can't believe
he's actually gone.

Yeah.
That's crazy.

Well, now what?

What a shot, man!

Oh, my god!

Whoa!

Captioned by
media access group at wgbh

Feud: Bette and Joan.

All-new, Sunday at 10:00 on fx.

Announcer: The Americans.

All new Tuesdays at 10:00.
On fx.

Announcer: Legion.

All new wednesdays at 10:00.
On fx.

Now, what kind of a clown
do you think you are?

You know, the sad clown,
the distraught clown.

More like
a dead-inside clown.

Beautiful!