It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 1 - The Gang Turns Black - full transcript
After an electric heating blanket shorts out while the gang watches The Wiz, they look in the mirror and realize they've turned black. They have to work out how to get back to being ...
(Barking)
Is that Allison's dog?
Yeah. Allison's dead.
And the dog
just keeps barking.
(Barking continues)
Chip: Shut up!
Fxx presents it's always sunny
in Philadelphia.
(Thunder rumbling, rain falling)
Ooh. Man, that was, like,
one Mississippi that time.
Yeah, that storm's, like,
right on top of us, huh?
Yeah. It's kind
of cool, though.
I mean, I can't think of a
better way to have a movie night
than in the middle of
an electrical storm.
It's kind of cozy, right?
Mm-hmm.
Cool, right?
Why do we have to watch the wiz?
This movie sucks.
Well, it's old black man's
night to pick the movie.
Yeah, but he's asleep.
Yeah, but, like...
Why do a remake of the wizard
of oz? I mean, the original
was a classic.
Uh, don't you think
it's fair, though,
that they get their
version? You know,
I mean, it's
very difficult
being a black person
in America, you know?
So what? Doesn't mean
i want to watch Orlando bloom
in boyz n the hood.
Dee: Yeah, I don't
want to see that.
Oh, yeah, if you flip it
it's weird, man, yeah.
I would see that.
I would see that.
I would see that.
I mean, look, this may be
a little bit touchy
for me to say,
but, uh, you know,
black people--
they have a lot more
opportunities these days.
Well, we did have a black
president before the orange one.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean
there's not problems.
I mean, what about the whole,
like, black lives matter thing?
Uh, well, sure, no, good point.
But, I mean, I don't know why
it took 'em so long to realize
that their lives matter.
I mean, they-they've
always mattered,
you know?
But I would also say
that all lives matter,
you know?
And while black people
may not feel like it,
it's kind of tough out there
right now for everybody.
I mean, really, our lives
aren't all that different.
? ?
(all grunting)
(Groans) Whoa.
Oh...
What the hell happened?
Did we get struck by lightning?
Uh, I think it came through
the electric blankets.
Yeah, we got electrocuted.
Holy shit.
Look at this-- the vcr's toast.
Uh, wait a sec...
Where's old black man?
Oh, my god.
He's gone.
What the hell?
What?
Uh...
Guys?
You're gonna want to see this.
What?
Well, that's
interesting.
? ?
what the hell is happening?
Why are we
black people?
But only in our
reflections.
This is insane.
Are we in a dream?
Do we got, we got to, like,
pinch ourselves or something?
Why is it daylight outside?
How is this happening?
Forget how.
We're past that.
It is happening. It just is.
? Give me one
good reason ?
? whoa ?
what are you doing?
? give me one good reason ?
? why we're this way ?
why are you doing this?
? I don't have a reason ?
? whoa ?
? I don't have a
reason for a thing ?
? that's happened today ?
? I wonder why we're singing ?
? every word that we say ?
? I wonder if we're living out
the wiz in some way ?
uh, oh, well, no, it's not
the wiz, because nobody
switches bodies in the wiz.
Got to be something else.
I mean, I think we're
experiencing something
a little more like...
? the hot chick, the change-up ?
here I go.
? Vice versa,
all of me ?
? like father, like son ?
? dating the enemy ?
? a boy thing, a girl thing ?
? 13 on 30 ?
? detention ?
? face/off ?
uh...
Right. Oh, actually, no,
face/off wouldn't work,
because that's
a face-switching movie.
Yeah, no,
guys, I think we found ourselves
in a quantum leap.
Hmm?
What the hell's a quantum leap?
Oh, a great show
from the coke-fueled era
of '80s television
where Scott bakula
would leap into
other people's bodies,
but he didn't know it
unless he saw his reflection.
? These are not
good reasons ?
? whoa ?
? now I'm just confused
and I don't know ?
? what the hell to say. ?
(music stops)
Wow.
Shit.
Yeah, I don't
know what that was.
That was super weird.
Okay, guys, I think I know
what's happening here.
I think we're
in the respite of a musical,
where people can get out
the necessary information
that doesn't fit
into rhyme form.
Clearly, yeah, that's
what's happening.
That's what's happening,
right?
So let's talk fast be-before
another song starts.
Okay, so...
Okay, that's a good idea.
You know what the problem is?
We don't know the rules.
And there's no way
we're gonna figure this out
until we figure out
what the rules are.
(Music starts playing)
? what are the rules? ?
oh, Christ, I'm singing again.
? What are the rules? ?
? when you've just
turned black ?
? and you can't switch back ?
? well, you got to go ?
? and find out the rules. ?
wh... oh.
Oh.
Oh, my.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Holy shit, what have I done?
Um, okay, look,
this is gonna
keep happening, I think.
Oh, god.
All right, so let's-let's figure
this out, soon.
Let's split up, okay?
Y-you two,
uh, go and try and find
old black man.
Mm...
I'm sorry-- old man.
Just old man.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, um, help him out, you know?
Do-do the quantum leap thing.
See that thing through, in case
it's that. And the three of us,
we'll go out and, um, we'll try
to do the freaky Friday thing--
try to figure out whose
bodies we switched with.
But are they gonna
look like us, though?
I don't know.
? What are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? when you just turned black ?
? and you can't switch back ?
? well, you got to go
and find out the rules ?
? I think we're in the wiz ?
don't force the wiz thing.
Wait, where are my keys?
Where are my keys?
You got 'em?
I can't...
Wait, what is this?
It's a wallet.
I know it's a wallet, asshole.
I'm saying it's not my wallet.
Oh.
I appear to be a guy
named Reggie Williams.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
Yeah, this is an
interesting new rule.
It seems that even though
we have our own clothes,
we have access to the
pockets of our reflections.
What movie
is that from?
I don't know that one.
My pockets are empty. Oh!
Maybe the lesson
we're supposed to learn
is that black people are broke.
You're broke.
That's a good point.
Yeah, yeah...
Oh, shit, hang on a second.
This kid's got 25 bucks.
Oh! Black people are rich.
That's the lesson.
You know what, no,
i think we're not
supposed to make wild
assumptions about black people
based upon whether or not we
have stuff in our pockets.
Yeah, that's... that's just...
Don't make that assumption.
But I'll tell you what,
you know what the first
thing I need to do is?
Find Reggie Williams.
Uh, no, actually,
that's the second thing.
I got to cancel my credit
card, 'cause this Reggie
guy might have it, you know?
Oh, right, that's the lesson
we have to learn:
That black people
will ruin your credit.
No... what?
Dude, you... you have to stop.
And you have to stop.
I mean, what are you talk...
I'm just trying to figure
out what the lesson is.
We're never gonna zap back
making these kind of...
Well, hold on a second--
the thing I was saying was that
i would cancel my credit card
no matter what race the guy was.
But you went right to it...
All right, you know what,
okay, fine,
let's just find the guy.
Look, how are we gonna get
in your car without your keys?
Oh, I can get in, man. I've
lost my keys before. You just
got to kind of rock the
car a little bit.
Wiggle it down?
And check the back door,
actually, 'cause sometimes...
Sometimes that's unlocked.
Back door.
Like a wire hanger or...
Usually if I push it
a little bit, though...
A coat hangar somewhere.
Just kind of slide
the window down...
(Siren chirps)
(Indistinct
police radio chatter)
Officer: Car 559, responding
to robbery in progress.
Shit.
Okay, look, it's all right, all
right, calm down, calm down.
It's all good,
it's all good.
You know, we can
talk our way out of this.
We get out of this stuff
all the time.
? Well, I think we just
found out a new rule. ?
(Siren chirps)
? ?
this is the exact same place
where I found old black man...
What. God, god, frank.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Old man...
Okay.
...In the first place.
You know what? This has
got to be our mission.
I just feel it. We're
just gonna find old man.
We're gonna find him
a place to live.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, we'll stick him
in a nursing home
or something.
You can afford
that, right?
Right, right.
And then...
Yeah.
When we turn white again,
I'll stop paying the checks.
Oh, stop! Don't-don't
say that out loud.
Just-- I feel like
whoever zapped us here
is probably listening.
Who's that?
Who zapped us?
I don't know, Ziggy?
They don...
They never really
clarified on quantum leap.
They just, they
just accepted it.
What? You mean nobody ever
went after the guy for revenge?
Can you just move
past it like they did?
Okay. Let's go
find your guy.
All right, all right,
but let me do the talking,
because, you know, guys like z,
they don't like strangers.
Yeah, but you're not you.
Oh, right.
Um, okay. Well, I got an idea
of how we can ingratiate
ourselves to them.
? Let's make one thing
perfectly clear ?
? I'm gonna say some words
down here ?
? I haven't had the chance
to say before ?
where are you going
with this, frank?
? I'm gonna say "homie" ?
oh, come on.
? I'm gonna say "bro" ?
are you serious?
? I'm gonna say "my man" ?
well, not you're
just stereotyping.
? I'm gonna say "fo' sho'" ?
okay.
? I'm gonna say the "n" word. ?
no, no, no, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Why? Why?
Thank you. No.
No, we're not saying that.
Absolutely not.
Why? I'm black now.
It's probably the only chance
i got to say it.
Why are you looking
for a chance to say it?
Well, a lot of black guys
say it.
Why-why-why should
they get a pass?
It's just not
the same, okay?
? You're not one of them ?
? don't say them ?
? no, that's not
what I mean ?
? what do you mean? ?
? you're not one of us ?
? that's just confusing ?
? now I'm getting lost ?
? we'll say "n" together ?
? not saying the "n" word ?
? we'll leave off the "e-r" ?
? not saying it that way ?
? and that is the end ?
? on saying the "n" word. ?
(gasps)
What's up, my niggas?
Oh, well.
(Grunts)
What are the rules?
There you go.
Hey, see?
You know what it is?
Yeah.
I, uh, I'm black.
Uh... too. Uh...
I'm, uh, I'm black and I,
I'm a friend of frank's.
Right, right, right.
And, uh...
And I was looking for...
Okay.
A man, uh, you know,
that frank came
and brought to
Dee's apartment to, uh,
sleep with a bunch
of other people, and I...
I don't, I don't know
how to describe him.
He's, uh, old,
and, uh, um...
And he's...
And, uh...
He's, uh, about...
This tall; He has...
Man, you talking
about old black man.
He right over there laying.
Dee:
How much does this guy sleep?
Is he a cat?
All aboard.
Chug-a-chug-a-toot-toot.
You really like that train, huh?
Can you put it down for a sec,
so we can talk?
Well, I'm, I'm still playing
with it, though.
Okay.
Listen, I'm a
social worker,
and I have
some questions.
Now, are those older guys
your friends?
Oh, yeah.
That's my gang.
Wait.
Y-you're in a gang?
Oh, not like a
gang-gang, like a...
Oh, right-- this
must sound weird.
All right, how can
i explain this? Um...
? Well, we hang in a bar ?
? where I like to clean
the toilets ?
? and I also kill the rats
and get tanked ?
? and I live in a walk-up ?
? in some section eight
housing ?
? where I sleep with a man
named frank ?
you sleep with him?
? Unless he brings home
a hooker ?
? then I sleep in the closet ?
? excuse me, can I make
this train fly? ?
um, sure.
(Imitating airplane)
Is frank your father?
? No, he's just some guy ?
? that banged my mother ?
? like this guy and the other ?
? she's a hooker and it's sad ?
? but I don't feel
all that bad ?
? guess I'm just
another black kid ?
? who doesn't know his dad. ?
guess we got that in common,
huh, kid?
Oh, unless he knows his dad.
Oh, shoot.
That was racist.
(Mimics airplane)
(Mimics fighter plane shooting)
This is bullshit, man.
Th-this is total
discrimination.
Well, we were breaking
into a car that wasn't ours.
But, dude, I think we've got
bigger problems on our hands.
What if we have priors?
I do have priors.
Oh, I have priors, too.
I-i didn't mean us,
i meant them.
Dude.
That could be...
He probably does
have priors.
You prob...
Yeah.
Oh, no, see. No.
Let's not do that.
Let's not go there, man.
? Let's not draw
conclusions ?
? they're only
just illusions ?
? never, ever,
ever just assume ?
right.
? The road is always
two ways ?
? and assumptions make bad
through-ways ?
? let's open our hearts
for much more room ?
yes.
? Like maybe I'm a doctor ?
? maybe it's just that ?
? or maybe I'm
a French chef ?
? and that's why
you're so fat ?
? maybe you're a fireman ?
? saving people's lives ?
both:
? maybe we're just good men ?
? with houses, kids and wives ?
? let's draw good
conclusions ?
? let's make
a better guess ?
? let's hope we
learned our lesson ?
both:
? and just pray for the best. ?
well, reverend, I see that you
and the Deacon are praying.
I apologize about
any inconvenience
and just want to
thank you again
for all the work
your parish has done
with the police
athletic league.
Both:
We're church blacks!
(Both laugh)
Church people.
Yeah. Church-- we're
just church people.
The fact that we're
black is irrelevant.
Has nothing to...
(Clears throat)
Will you look
at this place, old man?
You will not have to be living
with that Dee person anymore.
So it's kind of a win-win for
everybody in this situation.
Carl.
Ruth.
Where have you been?
Looking for you.
Children, did you find him?
Yes. Yes... children?
We're their kids!
Holy shit!
Oh, shit.
We reunited them.
We did.
That was our mission.
We did it!
Oh!
Oh, god, yes.
Hey. What's all the hubbub
about over there?
(Gasping):
Oh, shit.
Oh, what?
That's Scott bakula
from quantum leap.
Frank:
I thought you said
blacula, like a
black vampire.
Hey. So we were right?
Wait a minute, are you
here helping somebody?
Are you leaping?
Oh, my god.
The show-- I can't get away
from it.
Look, that was just
a TV character.
I'm an actor.
Why do you got a mop?
Researching a role.
So...
You didn't get a piece
of the show?
Your residuals ran out.
I'm sorry.
I've been working constantly
for 30 years, okay?
All right.
Okay, yeah.
So...
Well, anyway, we just
reunited a family,
and we're gonna,
yeah.
We're gonna leap.
We're gonna leap now.
Frank:
Yeah, right now.
Ziggy, now!
It's not working.
How do you do it?
How'd you do it
on the show?
Tell us how to do it.
Okay, just get out, okay?
Hmm?
Get out. Everybody,
everybody get out.
Frank: Wait.
Fine. Fine, Scott.
But listen to me.
Don't steal our leap.
Yeah. Don't steal
our leap.
? How did they know ?
? that my wife took it all? ?
? and I'm not
researching roles ?
? how did they know? ?
? Ziggy, if you hear me ?
? take me far, far from here ?
? let me leap to '89 ?
? that was a better year ?
? I miss my old Camaro ?
? and my mansion in Van nuys ?
? wish I still hung
with Nash Bridges ?
? played poker
with the fall guy ?
? oh, Ziggy, can you see ?
? my tears? ?
? Ziggy! ?
? leave me far... ?
? far from here. ?
man:
Hey, Hollywood.
Why don't you leap on up
to the third floor.
Somebody shit all
over the dining hall.
Okay, boss.
? ?
dude, can I admit
something to you?
I feel like that's the nicest
the police have ever treated me.
Well, maybe that's the lesson
that we have to learn.
That if you're an upstanding
member of society,
then the police will
treat you with respect.
Hmm. Although I still do
suspect that we were arrested
due to racial profiling.
Aw, I don't
think so, dude.
No?
I think it's still, i
think it's still unclear.
? What are the rules? ?
ugh. Here we go
with this.
? What are the rules? ?
? when your race has changed ?
? life can be real strange ?
? when you're trying
to figure out all the rules ?
hey, guys.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Well, we're not
in a quantum leap.
What happened?
We reunited old black...
Old man with his wife.
Nothing happened.
Yeah, we ran
into blacula.
Bakula.
Bakula.
Scott bakula, the actor?
Yeah, I think
he's trying to
steal our leap.
Yeah, he might be.
Mm-hmm.
This doesn't make
any sense.
See, we're not in a classic
body-switching movie, either,
because we've been learning
lessons left and right,
and we're still
not changing back.
Really? Huh.
? Oh! What are
the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? when you've kept
your brain ?
? but the world's
insane ?
? how the hell you gonna
find out the rules? ?
well, guys, maybe we didn't
keep our brains after all,
like the scarecrow
in the wiz.
I grabbed Dee's vcr,
'cause I'm thinking
maybe if we get
this thing fixed,
we can get shocked again
while watching the wiz,
and that'll send us back.
Oh, my god! Charlie! I can't
believe I didn't think of this.
Do you guys remember
that electronics store
on market street?
The wiz?
It's called the wiz!
Yes!
Maybe we got to bring
the vcr there.
Guys, I think
we really are in the wiz.
You called it,
man, yeah.
I don't know, I don't know.
We can't be sure,
but, uh...
At this point it does feel like
the path of least resistance.
It's the only thing
we haven't tried.
Yeah, right?
? What are the rules? ?
? of being black
in America ?
? what are the rules? ?
? of leaping from your body ?
? what are the rules? ?
? who can say
the "n" word? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? I really wanna say
the "n" word ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? ?
oh, shit, there it is!
The wiz!
We can't do that
dance anymore.
That was exhausting.
It's closed!
Hey, open up!
We need your help!
Open the door!
Back up.
Here he comes.
Ah.
What do you want?
We're closed.
We're to see the wiz.
Yeah, we really got
to talk to him.
There's no wiz. It's just
the name of the damn store.
Oh, yeah?
Oh. Well, all right, man,
well, can you just fix
this vcr for us, please?
Yeah.
Go away.
Come back when we're open.
Wait-wait-wait.
Just-just hear us out.
? Excuse me ?
? ooh... ?
? my kind brother ?
? ah... ?
? but can you lend a hand? ?
? ooh... ?
? ah... ?
? we really are in trouble ?
? ooh... ?
? ah... ?
(high-pitched):
? we really need a friend ?
? ooh, ooh ?
? ah... ?
? we're trapped
inside these bodies ?
? trapped inside,
we're trapped inside ?
? ooh... ?
? it's so hard
to understand! ?
? ooh... ?
? but if you
look inside ?
? our souls, sir ?
? ah... ?
? you'll see
that we're white men. ?
(chuckles):
Oh. Oh. Oh, I see.
Yes! I see it now.
Let me fix your vcr.
(Excited chatter)
Yeah! Oh, great!
Thank you! Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
That's a nice white man.
And the song helped.
Frank:
Yeah, it worked.
911?
I'd like to report
a disturbance.
Charlie:
He's definitely
calling the cops.
(All talking at once)
That racist bastard!
Hey, you know what happened,
is we intimidated him
'cause we're black.
Oh, my god.
No. You know why he's
calling the cops?
He's calling the cops 'cause
he thinks we're insane people.
We were singing and talking
about switching bodies and shit.
What are the rules?
Whoa-whoa-whoa.
Ugh, I'm sick of that one.
I don't want to have
to sing that song again.
All right? That being said,
it is difficult to decipher
when exactly we're being
discriminated against.
Yeah.
Well, look, look, look.
? Maybe that's the lesson here ?
? things are not always
that clear ?
that's definitely
true.
They're not.
? We have a lot in common ?
? but too much of it ?
? is fear ?
(siren chirps)
You're right.
Right.
That's right.
? So here come
those police again ?
Dennis:
Shit.
? But let me talk,
'cause they're my friends ?
? they like me ?
? they gave me this train. ?
he's got a gun!
(Overlapping shouting)
Oh, god!
They shot Charlie!
Cop:
Freeze! Get on the ground!
? We just learned our lesson ?
? aah-aah, yeah! ?
? a horrible lesson ?
? aah, yeah! ?
? we just learned our lesson ?
? and we wanna go home ?
? our home ?
? white home ?
? just say home, we really ?
? really wanna go home ?
? let's click
our heels together ?
Charlie:
? whoa, yeah ?
? and pray we leave forever ?
? oh, yeah ?
? we just learned our lesson
and we wanna go home ?
? our home ?
? white home ?
? just say home! ?
? we really, really ?
? wanna go home ?
? o...Ver the rainbow! ?
? I wanna, wanna, wanna,
wanna, wanna, wanna go home ?
? I wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna,
wanna, wanna go home ?
? I wanna go home ?
? I wanna, wanna,
wanna go home ?
? I wanna go home ?
? I wanna,
wanna, wanna go home. ?
all (Distorted, echoing):
Go home! Go home! Go home!
Wake up!
Hey, go home!
Go home.
Go home!
Wake up!
(Clapping)
Go home.
It's morning.
You know the routine.
Go home. Or wherever the hell
it is you go during the day.
I had the craziest dream.
You were there. You were there.
You all were singing.
All right, well, that's great.
We don't give a shit,
'cause we don't like hearing
about people's dreams.
Yeah, let's go, chop-chop.
Come on.
Does this mean
you didn't learn your lesson?
What in the hell
is he talking about?
Learn a lesson from your dream?
How would that work?
Yeah, the only thing
we learned is
that you have terrible taste
in movies.
Yeah. Let's go. Come on.
We'll see you later tonight.
Yeah. We'll see you, pal.
Hit the road.
Do your day thing.
Do your day thing.
He wants me to learn a
lesson from his dream.
? We got to have peace ?
? to keep the world alive ?
? and war to cease... ?
oh, boy.
What are the rules?
? We got to have joy ?
? true in our hearts
with strength we can't destroy ?
? people, hear us ?
? through our voice, the world
knows there's no choice ?
? we're begging,
save the children ?
? the little ones
who just don't understand ?
? give them a chance ?
? to breed their young
and help purify... ?
(trio chanting backwards)
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
look, as we all know,
everything is about
emotion with women.
Right, Dee?
What?
Oh, my god! Whoa!
Whoa.
All right, Dee.
Relax.
We're trying to have
a rational conversation.
Sunny. All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on fxx.
(Whirring)
Announcer: Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30.
Only on fxx.
I am a very dangerous man
to know.
Chip? Do you know
where the remote is?
-Let me look for it.
-No, that's my foot massage
thing.
-What's this?
-Oh, that's mine.
-Here it is. I got it.
-Got it?
-Yeah.
-Oh, this is the garage door
opener, isn't it?
-(Garage door whirs)
-Where's my hand?
-(Jingling)
-Chimes.
Stop.
Mom!
I can't-- oh, something
is underneath me.
Mom, I'm underneath you!
Announcer: Baskets.
All new Thursdays at 10:00.
Starts January 19 on fx.
Man: So, is he crazy?
Man #2:
He believes he's mentally ill.
But at the same time,
part of him knows...
The power's real.
(Water splashing)
Is that Allison's dog?
Yeah. Allison's dead.
And the dog
just keeps barking.
(Barking continues)
Chip: Shut up!
Fxx presents it's always sunny
in Philadelphia.
(Thunder rumbling, rain falling)
Ooh. Man, that was, like,
one Mississippi that time.
Yeah, that storm's, like,
right on top of us, huh?
Yeah. It's kind
of cool, though.
I mean, I can't think of a
better way to have a movie night
than in the middle of
an electrical storm.
It's kind of cozy, right?
Mm-hmm.
Cool, right?
Why do we have to watch the wiz?
This movie sucks.
Well, it's old black man's
night to pick the movie.
Yeah, but he's asleep.
Yeah, but, like...
Why do a remake of the wizard
of oz? I mean, the original
was a classic.
Uh, don't you think
it's fair, though,
that they get their
version? You know,
I mean, it's
very difficult
being a black person
in America, you know?
So what? Doesn't mean
i want to watch Orlando bloom
in boyz n the hood.
Dee: Yeah, I don't
want to see that.
Oh, yeah, if you flip it
it's weird, man, yeah.
I would see that.
I would see that.
I would see that.
I mean, look, this may be
a little bit touchy
for me to say,
but, uh, you know,
black people--
they have a lot more
opportunities these days.
Well, we did have a black
president before the orange one.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean
there's not problems.
I mean, what about the whole,
like, black lives matter thing?
Uh, well, sure, no, good point.
But, I mean, I don't know why
it took 'em so long to realize
that their lives matter.
I mean, they-they've
always mattered,
you know?
But I would also say
that all lives matter,
you know?
And while black people
may not feel like it,
it's kind of tough out there
right now for everybody.
I mean, really, our lives
aren't all that different.
? ?
(all grunting)
(Groans) Whoa.
Oh...
What the hell happened?
Did we get struck by lightning?
Uh, I think it came through
the electric blankets.
Yeah, we got electrocuted.
Holy shit.
Look at this-- the vcr's toast.
Uh, wait a sec...
Where's old black man?
Oh, my god.
He's gone.
What the hell?
What?
Uh...
Guys?
You're gonna want to see this.
What?
Well, that's
interesting.
? ?
what the hell is happening?
Why are we
black people?
But only in our
reflections.
This is insane.
Are we in a dream?
Do we got, we got to, like,
pinch ourselves or something?
Why is it daylight outside?
How is this happening?
Forget how.
We're past that.
It is happening. It just is.
? Give me one
good reason ?
? whoa ?
what are you doing?
? give me one good reason ?
? why we're this way ?
why are you doing this?
? I don't have a reason ?
? whoa ?
? I don't have a
reason for a thing ?
? that's happened today ?
? I wonder why we're singing ?
? every word that we say ?
? I wonder if we're living out
the wiz in some way ?
uh, oh, well, no, it's not
the wiz, because nobody
switches bodies in the wiz.
Got to be something else.
I mean, I think we're
experiencing something
a little more like...
? the hot chick, the change-up ?
here I go.
? Vice versa,
all of me ?
? like father, like son ?
? dating the enemy ?
? a boy thing, a girl thing ?
? 13 on 30 ?
? detention ?
? face/off ?
uh...
Right. Oh, actually, no,
face/off wouldn't work,
because that's
a face-switching movie.
Yeah, no,
guys, I think we found ourselves
in a quantum leap.
Hmm?
What the hell's a quantum leap?
Oh, a great show
from the coke-fueled era
of '80s television
where Scott bakula
would leap into
other people's bodies,
but he didn't know it
unless he saw his reflection.
? These are not
good reasons ?
? whoa ?
? now I'm just confused
and I don't know ?
? what the hell to say. ?
(music stops)
Wow.
Shit.
Yeah, I don't
know what that was.
That was super weird.
Okay, guys, I think I know
what's happening here.
I think we're
in the respite of a musical,
where people can get out
the necessary information
that doesn't fit
into rhyme form.
Clearly, yeah, that's
what's happening.
That's what's happening,
right?
So let's talk fast be-before
another song starts.
Okay, so...
Okay, that's a good idea.
You know what the problem is?
We don't know the rules.
And there's no way
we're gonna figure this out
until we figure out
what the rules are.
(Music starts playing)
? what are the rules? ?
oh, Christ, I'm singing again.
? What are the rules? ?
? when you've just
turned black ?
? and you can't switch back ?
? well, you got to go ?
? and find out the rules. ?
wh... oh.
Oh.
Oh, my.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Holy shit, what have I done?
Um, okay, look,
this is gonna
keep happening, I think.
Oh, god.
All right, so let's-let's figure
this out, soon.
Let's split up, okay?
Y-you two,
uh, go and try and find
old black man.
Mm...
I'm sorry-- old man.
Just old man.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, um, help him out, you know?
Do-do the quantum leap thing.
See that thing through, in case
it's that. And the three of us,
we'll go out and, um, we'll try
to do the freaky Friday thing--
try to figure out whose
bodies we switched with.
But are they gonna
look like us, though?
I don't know.
? What are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? when you just turned black ?
? and you can't switch back ?
? well, you got to go
and find out the rules ?
? I think we're in the wiz ?
don't force the wiz thing.
Wait, where are my keys?
Where are my keys?
You got 'em?
I can't...
Wait, what is this?
It's a wallet.
I know it's a wallet, asshole.
I'm saying it's not my wallet.
Oh.
I appear to be a guy
named Reggie Williams.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
Yeah, this is an
interesting new rule.
It seems that even though
we have our own clothes,
we have access to the
pockets of our reflections.
What movie
is that from?
I don't know that one.
My pockets are empty. Oh!
Maybe the lesson
we're supposed to learn
is that black people are broke.
You're broke.
That's a good point.
Yeah, yeah...
Oh, shit, hang on a second.
This kid's got 25 bucks.
Oh! Black people are rich.
That's the lesson.
You know what, no,
i think we're not
supposed to make wild
assumptions about black people
based upon whether or not we
have stuff in our pockets.
Yeah, that's... that's just...
Don't make that assumption.
But I'll tell you what,
you know what the first
thing I need to do is?
Find Reggie Williams.
Uh, no, actually,
that's the second thing.
I got to cancel my credit
card, 'cause this Reggie
guy might have it, you know?
Oh, right, that's the lesson
we have to learn:
That black people
will ruin your credit.
No... what?
Dude, you... you have to stop.
And you have to stop.
I mean, what are you talk...
I'm just trying to figure
out what the lesson is.
We're never gonna zap back
making these kind of...
Well, hold on a second--
the thing I was saying was that
i would cancel my credit card
no matter what race the guy was.
But you went right to it...
All right, you know what,
okay, fine,
let's just find the guy.
Look, how are we gonna get
in your car without your keys?
Oh, I can get in, man. I've
lost my keys before. You just
got to kind of rock the
car a little bit.
Wiggle it down?
And check the back door,
actually, 'cause sometimes...
Sometimes that's unlocked.
Back door.
Like a wire hanger or...
Usually if I push it
a little bit, though...
A coat hangar somewhere.
Just kind of slide
the window down...
(Siren chirps)
(Indistinct
police radio chatter)
Officer: Car 559, responding
to robbery in progress.
Shit.
Okay, look, it's all right, all
right, calm down, calm down.
It's all good,
it's all good.
You know, we can
talk our way out of this.
We get out of this stuff
all the time.
? Well, I think we just
found out a new rule. ?
(Siren chirps)
? ?
this is the exact same place
where I found old black man...
What. God, god, frank.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Old man...
Okay.
...In the first place.
You know what? This has
got to be our mission.
I just feel it. We're
just gonna find old man.
We're gonna find him
a place to live.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, we'll stick him
in a nursing home
or something.
You can afford
that, right?
Right, right.
And then...
Yeah.
When we turn white again,
I'll stop paying the checks.
Oh, stop! Don't-don't
say that out loud.
Just-- I feel like
whoever zapped us here
is probably listening.
Who's that?
Who zapped us?
I don't know, Ziggy?
They don...
They never really
clarified on quantum leap.
They just, they
just accepted it.
What? You mean nobody ever
went after the guy for revenge?
Can you just move
past it like they did?
Okay. Let's go
find your guy.
All right, all right,
but let me do the talking,
because, you know, guys like z,
they don't like strangers.
Yeah, but you're not you.
Oh, right.
Um, okay. Well, I got an idea
of how we can ingratiate
ourselves to them.
? Let's make one thing
perfectly clear ?
? I'm gonna say some words
down here ?
? I haven't had the chance
to say before ?
where are you going
with this, frank?
? I'm gonna say "homie" ?
oh, come on.
? I'm gonna say "bro" ?
are you serious?
? I'm gonna say "my man" ?
well, not you're
just stereotyping.
? I'm gonna say "fo' sho'" ?
okay.
? I'm gonna say the "n" word. ?
no, no, no, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Why? Why?
Thank you. No.
No, we're not saying that.
Absolutely not.
Why? I'm black now.
It's probably the only chance
i got to say it.
Why are you looking
for a chance to say it?
Well, a lot of black guys
say it.
Why-why-why should
they get a pass?
It's just not
the same, okay?
? You're not one of them ?
? don't say them ?
? no, that's not
what I mean ?
? what do you mean? ?
? you're not one of us ?
? that's just confusing ?
? now I'm getting lost ?
? we'll say "n" together ?
? not saying the "n" word ?
? we'll leave off the "e-r" ?
? not saying it that way ?
? and that is the end ?
? on saying the "n" word. ?
(gasps)
What's up, my niggas?
Oh, well.
(Grunts)
What are the rules?
There you go.
Hey, see?
You know what it is?
Yeah.
I, uh, I'm black.
Uh... too. Uh...
I'm, uh, I'm black and I,
I'm a friend of frank's.
Right, right, right.
And, uh...
And I was looking for...
Okay.
A man, uh, you know,
that frank came
and brought to
Dee's apartment to, uh,
sleep with a bunch
of other people, and I...
I don't, I don't know
how to describe him.
He's, uh, old,
and, uh, um...
And he's...
And, uh...
He's, uh, about...
This tall; He has...
Man, you talking
about old black man.
He right over there laying.
Dee:
How much does this guy sleep?
Is he a cat?
All aboard.
Chug-a-chug-a-toot-toot.
You really like that train, huh?
Can you put it down for a sec,
so we can talk?
Well, I'm, I'm still playing
with it, though.
Okay.
Listen, I'm a
social worker,
and I have
some questions.
Now, are those older guys
your friends?
Oh, yeah.
That's my gang.
Wait.
Y-you're in a gang?
Oh, not like a
gang-gang, like a...
Oh, right-- this
must sound weird.
All right, how can
i explain this? Um...
? Well, we hang in a bar ?
? where I like to clean
the toilets ?
? and I also kill the rats
and get tanked ?
? and I live in a walk-up ?
? in some section eight
housing ?
? where I sleep with a man
named frank ?
you sleep with him?
? Unless he brings home
a hooker ?
? then I sleep in the closet ?
? excuse me, can I make
this train fly? ?
um, sure.
(Imitating airplane)
Is frank your father?
? No, he's just some guy ?
? that banged my mother ?
? like this guy and the other ?
? she's a hooker and it's sad ?
? but I don't feel
all that bad ?
? guess I'm just
another black kid ?
? who doesn't know his dad. ?
guess we got that in common,
huh, kid?
Oh, unless he knows his dad.
Oh, shoot.
That was racist.
(Mimics airplane)
(Mimics fighter plane shooting)
This is bullshit, man.
Th-this is total
discrimination.
Well, we were breaking
into a car that wasn't ours.
But, dude, I think we've got
bigger problems on our hands.
What if we have priors?
I do have priors.
Oh, I have priors, too.
I-i didn't mean us,
i meant them.
Dude.
That could be...
He probably does
have priors.
You prob...
Yeah.
Oh, no, see. No.
Let's not do that.
Let's not go there, man.
? Let's not draw
conclusions ?
? they're only
just illusions ?
? never, ever,
ever just assume ?
right.
? The road is always
two ways ?
? and assumptions make bad
through-ways ?
? let's open our hearts
for much more room ?
yes.
? Like maybe I'm a doctor ?
? maybe it's just that ?
? or maybe I'm
a French chef ?
? and that's why
you're so fat ?
? maybe you're a fireman ?
? saving people's lives ?
both:
? maybe we're just good men ?
? with houses, kids and wives ?
? let's draw good
conclusions ?
? let's make
a better guess ?
? let's hope we
learned our lesson ?
both:
? and just pray for the best. ?
well, reverend, I see that you
and the Deacon are praying.
I apologize about
any inconvenience
and just want to
thank you again
for all the work
your parish has done
with the police
athletic league.
Both:
We're church blacks!
(Both laugh)
Church people.
Yeah. Church-- we're
just church people.
The fact that we're
black is irrelevant.
Has nothing to...
(Clears throat)
Will you look
at this place, old man?
You will not have to be living
with that Dee person anymore.
So it's kind of a win-win for
everybody in this situation.
Carl.
Ruth.
Where have you been?
Looking for you.
Children, did you find him?
Yes. Yes... children?
We're their kids!
Holy shit!
Oh, shit.
We reunited them.
We did.
That was our mission.
We did it!
Oh!
Oh, god, yes.
Hey. What's all the hubbub
about over there?
(Gasping):
Oh, shit.
Oh, what?
That's Scott bakula
from quantum leap.
Frank:
I thought you said
blacula, like a
black vampire.
Hey. So we were right?
Wait a minute, are you
here helping somebody?
Are you leaping?
Oh, my god.
The show-- I can't get away
from it.
Look, that was just
a TV character.
I'm an actor.
Why do you got a mop?
Researching a role.
So...
You didn't get a piece
of the show?
Your residuals ran out.
I'm sorry.
I've been working constantly
for 30 years, okay?
All right.
Okay, yeah.
So...
Well, anyway, we just
reunited a family,
and we're gonna,
yeah.
We're gonna leap.
We're gonna leap now.
Frank:
Yeah, right now.
Ziggy, now!
It's not working.
How do you do it?
How'd you do it
on the show?
Tell us how to do it.
Okay, just get out, okay?
Hmm?
Get out. Everybody,
everybody get out.
Frank: Wait.
Fine. Fine, Scott.
But listen to me.
Don't steal our leap.
Yeah. Don't steal
our leap.
? How did they know ?
? that my wife took it all? ?
? and I'm not
researching roles ?
? how did they know? ?
? Ziggy, if you hear me ?
? take me far, far from here ?
? let me leap to '89 ?
? that was a better year ?
? I miss my old Camaro ?
? and my mansion in Van nuys ?
? wish I still hung
with Nash Bridges ?
? played poker
with the fall guy ?
? oh, Ziggy, can you see ?
? my tears? ?
? Ziggy! ?
? leave me far... ?
? far from here. ?
man:
Hey, Hollywood.
Why don't you leap on up
to the third floor.
Somebody shit all
over the dining hall.
Okay, boss.
? ?
dude, can I admit
something to you?
I feel like that's the nicest
the police have ever treated me.
Well, maybe that's the lesson
that we have to learn.
That if you're an upstanding
member of society,
then the police will
treat you with respect.
Hmm. Although I still do
suspect that we were arrested
due to racial profiling.
Aw, I don't
think so, dude.
No?
I think it's still, i
think it's still unclear.
? What are the rules? ?
ugh. Here we go
with this.
? What are the rules? ?
? when your race has changed ?
? life can be real strange ?
? when you're trying
to figure out all the rules ?
hey, guys.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Well, we're not
in a quantum leap.
What happened?
We reunited old black...
Old man with his wife.
Nothing happened.
Yeah, we ran
into blacula.
Bakula.
Bakula.
Scott bakula, the actor?
Yeah, I think
he's trying to
steal our leap.
Yeah, he might be.
Mm-hmm.
This doesn't make
any sense.
See, we're not in a classic
body-switching movie, either,
because we've been learning
lessons left and right,
and we're still
not changing back.
Really? Huh.
? Oh! What are
the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? when you've kept
your brain ?
? but the world's
insane ?
? how the hell you gonna
find out the rules? ?
well, guys, maybe we didn't
keep our brains after all,
like the scarecrow
in the wiz.
I grabbed Dee's vcr,
'cause I'm thinking
maybe if we get
this thing fixed,
we can get shocked again
while watching the wiz,
and that'll send us back.
Oh, my god! Charlie! I can't
believe I didn't think of this.
Do you guys remember
that electronics store
on market street?
The wiz?
It's called the wiz!
Yes!
Maybe we got to bring
the vcr there.
Guys, I think
we really are in the wiz.
You called it,
man, yeah.
I don't know, I don't know.
We can't be sure,
but, uh...
At this point it does feel like
the path of least resistance.
It's the only thing
we haven't tried.
Yeah, right?
? What are the rules? ?
? of being black
in America ?
? what are the rules? ?
? of leaping from your body ?
? what are the rules? ?
? who can say
the "n" word? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? I really wanna say
the "n" word ?
? what are the rules? ?
? what are the rules? ?
? ?
oh, shit, there it is!
The wiz!
We can't do that
dance anymore.
That was exhausting.
It's closed!
Hey, open up!
We need your help!
Open the door!
Back up.
Here he comes.
Ah.
What do you want?
We're closed.
We're to see the wiz.
Yeah, we really got
to talk to him.
There's no wiz. It's just
the name of the damn store.
Oh, yeah?
Oh. Well, all right, man,
well, can you just fix
this vcr for us, please?
Yeah.
Go away.
Come back when we're open.
Wait-wait-wait.
Just-just hear us out.
? Excuse me ?
? ooh... ?
? my kind brother ?
? ah... ?
? but can you lend a hand? ?
? ooh... ?
? ah... ?
? we really are in trouble ?
? ooh... ?
? ah... ?
(high-pitched):
? we really need a friend ?
? ooh, ooh ?
? ah... ?
? we're trapped
inside these bodies ?
? trapped inside,
we're trapped inside ?
? ooh... ?
? it's so hard
to understand! ?
? ooh... ?
? but if you
look inside ?
? our souls, sir ?
? ah... ?
? you'll see
that we're white men. ?
(chuckles):
Oh. Oh. Oh, I see.
Yes! I see it now.
Let me fix your vcr.
(Excited chatter)
Yeah! Oh, great!
Thank you! Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
That's a nice white man.
And the song helped.
Frank:
Yeah, it worked.
911?
I'd like to report
a disturbance.
Charlie:
He's definitely
calling the cops.
(All talking at once)
That racist bastard!
Hey, you know what happened,
is we intimidated him
'cause we're black.
Oh, my god.
No. You know why he's
calling the cops?
He's calling the cops 'cause
he thinks we're insane people.
We were singing and talking
about switching bodies and shit.
What are the rules?
Whoa-whoa-whoa.
Ugh, I'm sick of that one.
I don't want to have
to sing that song again.
All right? That being said,
it is difficult to decipher
when exactly we're being
discriminated against.
Yeah.
Well, look, look, look.
? Maybe that's the lesson here ?
? things are not always
that clear ?
that's definitely
true.
They're not.
? We have a lot in common ?
? but too much of it ?
? is fear ?
(siren chirps)
You're right.
Right.
That's right.
? So here come
those police again ?
Dennis:
Shit.
? But let me talk,
'cause they're my friends ?
? they like me ?
? they gave me this train. ?
he's got a gun!
(Overlapping shouting)
Oh, god!
They shot Charlie!
Cop:
Freeze! Get on the ground!
? We just learned our lesson ?
? aah-aah, yeah! ?
? a horrible lesson ?
? aah, yeah! ?
? we just learned our lesson ?
? and we wanna go home ?
? our home ?
? white home ?
? just say home, we really ?
? really wanna go home ?
? let's click
our heels together ?
Charlie:
? whoa, yeah ?
? and pray we leave forever ?
? oh, yeah ?
? we just learned our lesson
and we wanna go home ?
? our home ?
? white home ?
? just say home! ?
? we really, really ?
? wanna go home ?
? o...Ver the rainbow! ?
? I wanna, wanna, wanna,
wanna, wanna, wanna go home ?
? I wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna,
wanna, wanna go home ?
? I wanna go home ?
? I wanna, wanna,
wanna go home ?
? I wanna go home ?
? I wanna,
wanna, wanna go home. ?
all (Distorted, echoing):
Go home! Go home! Go home!
Wake up!
Hey, go home!
Go home.
Go home!
Wake up!
(Clapping)
Go home.
It's morning.
You know the routine.
Go home. Or wherever the hell
it is you go during the day.
I had the craziest dream.
You were there. You were there.
You all were singing.
All right, well, that's great.
We don't give a shit,
'cause we don't like hearing
about people's dreams.
Yeah, let's go, chop-chop.
Come on.
Does this mean
you didn't learn your lesson?
What in the hell
is he talking about?
Learn a lesson from your dream?
How would that work?
Yeah, the only thing
we learned is
that you have terrible taste
in movies.
Yeah. Let's go. Come on.
We'll see you later tonight.
Yeah. We'll see you, pal.
Hit the road.
Do your day thing.
Do your day thing.
He wants me to learn a
lesson from his dream.
? We got to have peace ?
? to keep the world alive ?
? and war to cease... ?
oh, boy.
What are the rules?
? We got to have joy ?
? true in our hearts
with strength we can't destroy ?
? people, hear us ?
? through our voice, the world
knows there's no choice ?
? we're begging,
save the children ?
? the little ones
who just don't understand ?
? give them a chance ?
? to breed their young
and help purify... ?
(trio chanting backwards)
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
look, as we all know,
everything is about
emotion with women.
Right, Dee?
What?
Oh, my god! Whoa!
Whoa.
All right, Dee.
Relax.
We're trying to have
a rational conversation.
Sunny. All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on fxx.
(Whirring)
Announcer: Man seeking woman.
All new, wednesdays at 10:30.
Only on fxx.
I am a very dangerous man
to know.
Chip? Do you know
where the remote is?
-Let me look for it.
-No, that's my foot massage
thing.
-What's this?
-Oh, that's mine.
-Here it is. I got it.
-Got it?
-Yeah.
-Oh, this is the garage door
opener, isn't it?
-(Garage door whirs)
-Where's my hand?
-(Jingling)
-Chimes.
Stop.
Mom!
I can't-- oh, something
is underneath me.
Mom, I'm underneath you!
Announcer: Baskets.
All new Thursdays at 10:00.
Starts January 19 on fx.
Man: So, is he crazy?
Man #2:
He believes he's mentally ill.
But at the same time,
part of him knows...
The power's real.
(Water splashing)