It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 9 - The Gang Goes to Hell - full transcript

CHARLIE: First of all,
I'd like to say I-I personally

didn't think any of us
would be standing

in front of you here today.

No, no, I mean...
Shit, no.

I thought we were going
straight to hell. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Right, well...

But that being said-- I mean,
we're good people. Oh, yeah.

I did what I did.
You don't like it,

you can kiss my ass.
Oh, oh.

Easy, easy. Hey, could we
be judged individually?

'Cause I don't want
to be lumped in with him.

Look, I know
you're gonna judge us.

But before that
cruise ship went down,

we prayed. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yes. Yeah.

I mean, like, sure, we've
done some bad things,

you know, but-but we've
changed, I promise.

I'm gonna walk you through how.
Mm-hmm.

So please just reserve
your judgment, okay?

Because once we're finished,

I'm sure you will
judge us accordingly.

Mm-hmm.
(chuckles softly)

Goddamn, this ship is the tits!

Frank, Frank, watch
your language. You know?

This is a Christian cruise.

Yeah, and I got to say, winning
raffles, going on cruises--

I like this new church
of yours, Mac.

I think you found the right one.
Yeah.

Oh, I didn't find them.
They found me. Ah.

And it's all, of course,
a part of God's plan.

It's also a part of God's plan

that we all get closer
to him through fellowship.

Hey, Mac, is God
gonna be able to protect

against the ship sinking?

God protects all things,
Charlie. He is an awesome god.

The only way this ship is gonna
sink is if the captain's drunk.

Guys, we don't have to worry
about drunk captains,

'cause this is the
dry cruise, remember?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.
And about that, um,

where exactly does God stand
on that dry thing?

Is that a hard, fast rule
or is there some wiggle room?

Look, this cruise is an
opportunity for us to get away

from the sins of everyday life.
That being said,

we will each have to have a half
a cap of mouthwash every day.

You know, just to stave off
the shakes.

Smart, smart. Don't want to get sick.
Yeah. Oh, thank God.

Okay, guys, I am gonna head up
to Bible study right now. Oh.

Oh, right now. Uh, this is our suite.
Yeah, you guys can check in or whatever.

But the... Do you want
to meet me there?

Do we?
Yeah, yeah,

we'll, we'll...
We got to...

set our bags down
and then, uh...

Yeah, we... I have to
unpack, I always do.

All right. Peace
be with you.

All right. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

You're supposed to say,
"And also with you."

Why is that?
Would you say...

I'm not gonna say that. Uh,
you know what, I'll say it,

if it's gonna help you
get out of here

and go to your Bible study.
But I'm not gonna mean it.

Oh, you don't have to mean it.

Yeah, you just have to say it.

Okay. And also with you. Bye.

Guys, this is gonna be the best
cruise ever. And also with you.

Yeah.
I'm not saying it.

Take care.
I'm not saying that.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh.
You don't have to mean it.

Mmm.
Yeah.

Oh, shit.
(rumbling growl)

Yeah.
I needed that.

Man, and the beer calms
my nerves, too, you know

what I mean? I feel like I could
drink that whole suitcase. Oh, God,

me, too. But let's not, okay?

'Cause this is the only
alcohol on the entire ship.

Ooh, yeah.
Yeah. All right, okay.

That'd be bad.
But it's time to suit up now,

so we can get into some nonsense.
What do you mean, suit up?

Did you bring costumes?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna be the captain.

Charlie's gonna be
the first mate.

No, no, no, I-I'm putting

a stop to this right now.

No costumes, no high jinks.

Okay? Can we just... Guys,
can we take a vacation

from our usual bullshit?

You know, I'm not saying
we got to do the God stuff,

but let's not--
let's not do a bunch

of anti-God stuff either, okay?

So don't be gluttonous.

Okay? You--
no wrath.

No lust for me. You know,
which is gonna be difficult,

given the implications
of being on a boat.

All right, well, I'm taking
a vacation from you guys, okay?

I'm tired of getting shit on.
All right.

That's what I'm talking about,
Dee. Nobody's gonna shit on you.

Nobody's gonna call you a bird.

I agree. But first, I got to
take the cross off Oh, yeah.

that Mac gave us. This thing is
burning me to shit. Yeah, yeah.

There. Look at that. Oh!
DENNIS: Oh.

DEE:
Oh! Goddamn, Frank.

Oh, my God.

You might actually be the devil.

Jesus, I'm gonna
take mine off, too.

I could be Satan.
(laughs)

Screw God!

(thunderous horn blows)

Whoa, whoa, what-what was that?
Did-did God do that?

No, no, no. Don't go crazy
on the God stuff, all right?

That being said, the timing
of that big boat noise was...

pretty suspect, so, Frank,
maybe don't push his buttons?

Yeah. I get that. Yeah.

All right, I'll leave him alone.

Hey, Mac.

We are about ready to get
started. You feeling okay?

Yeah, David. It's good.
I-I just, uh,

was waiting on my friends.

They said they were gonna be
here and they're not here yet.

I should have taken on
a missionary position with them.

You know?
They need salvation.

Especially my one friend, Frank.

I even started putting
battery acid on the back

of his cross necklace
to burn through his skin.

Why?

Oh, to subtly send the message

that he might be a demon.

Oh, well, yikes.

Uh, listen, when your friends
are ready, they'll come.

Right, yeah. You know, we
should just get started.

Scott, you ready to go?
Yup, yup. All right,

everybody, why don't
we gather around.

Why don't we, uh...

Well, let's just...

We'll sing through it once

and we'll get it on its feet.

(upbeat tune playing)

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

guys...
what's that song?

I-I'm not familiar
with that hymn.

Uh, the song's "Sit Down,
You're Rockin' the Boat"

from Guys and Dolls.

It's for the talent show.
We do it every year

on this cruise.
It's fun.

Fun? No, no, the songs
aren't supposed to be fun,

they're supposed to
be bleak and dreary,

so we can focus on
how bad we are.

Yeah. We need to
punish our ears

to pay for the original
sin of being born.

Mac, look, uh, I know
it can be difficult

transitioning into a new church.

All we ask is that
you try to keep an open mind.

Okay, I... Maybe
I can do that.

I... But, guys, I can
almost guarantee you

that I'm not gonna like this.

♪ Said to myself sit down ♪

♪ Sit down,
you're rockin' the boat ♪

♪ And the devil
will drag you under ♪

♪ With a soul so heavy
you wouldn't float ♪

♪ Sit down, sit down, sit down,
sit down, sit down ♪

♪ You're rockin' the boat! ♪

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

I feel like I've been waiting
for this my entire life.

Good.
We're glad you had fun.

Yes, yeah.
I'm ready to go again.

Well, you've already gone twice.
We're sort of

taking turns...
We're gonna go

from the top. Five,
six, seven, eight...

These winter coats were a good
idea-- it is chilly. Yeah.

Come in handy.
You don't want...

They're cranking
the air conditioning.

Yeah, you don't want
to be sick on a boat.

Whoa, look at this place.

I think we died
and went to heaven, Frank.

Oh. Dude.

I thought you said they
didn't have alcohol.

Look, they-they
got screwdrivers.

Oh, no, Charlie.

That's just orange juice.

There's no alcohol. Just
orange juice, like the mixer?

Yeah.
Yeah, people drink it.

People drink it. Yeah.
That's crazy to me.

When was the last time
you drank straight mixer?

Oh, I had a diet cola mixer
a while ago.

Oh, did you?
(burps)

Was it any good?

Yeah, oh, yeah.
Whoa. (sniffs)

What?
Dude.

You drinking a beer right now?

What? Get out of town.

You can lie, but that burp
told me the whole story.

You holding?
What you got?

You smell the beer?
You holding beer?

Come on, man.

Bingo!
(laughs)

MAN:
Excuse me.

You can't have alcohol
on the ship.

Oh, this, uh, this is an empty.

That-that was
an empty can.

A pelican dropped it and we...
Yeah, we picked it up.

Yeah, it was, like...
Do you have

any more on you, sir?

No, not a bit.
Yeah.

What's going on here?
Uh, uh, Captain.

Do you have any more
alcohol on you?

Uh, not a bit.

If you'll excuse me. Yup.

Whoa!

What the hell is that, Frank?

Well, I don't want
to run back and forth

to the cabin all the time,
it's so far away.

Son of a bitch!

And you--
you have any beer on you?

Aah!

Charlie, you lied to me.

Uh, well, you lied first, man!

Is that the rest of it?
Yeah, that's all of it.

We have to confiscate all
these beers from you. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, got it.

DEE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no.

That's my seat, bitch.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Got a little worked up.

Uh, not quite
in vacation mode yet.

Let me try again.

Um, please get your shit
off my seat.

I don't see your magazine
or towel on it,

and I got here first,

so I don't feel like
it's really your seat.

I'm sitting with you. Thought you
were taking a vacation from us.

Yeah, I was trying,
but this is the only seat open,

so can you try not to shit on me

for, like, the next hour
or so, please?

I'm trying to relax.
Dee, relax.

I'm not gonna shit on you.

Okay? Nobody's
shitting on you.

How's it going
with the wrath thing?

You, uh, staying away from that?

Well, yeah, you know,
I was trying,

but there are certain
"see you next Tuesdays"

on this ship that are making it
very difficult.

Well, yeah, I
feel you. I'm...

I'm already struggling
with the lust thing.

See this, uh,
flaxen-haired seductress

across the pool over here?

Dennis, she looks like
she's 12 years old.

No, she's of age.
I checked.

Well, she's gallivanting
around, you know,

flaunting it for me,
and she knows how easy

it would be for me
to have her, too,

because of the implication.

Not that you would understand.

It's not what you think it is.

No, I think I get it. We're out
in the middle of the ocean.

She's stuck on a boat.
She couldn't possibly say no,

'cause something might go wrong
for her if she did.

That's... that's
exactly what it is.

How did you get that so fast?

It's like
when I'm alone with a guy,

and we're messing around, and he
gets all skittish about banging.

So then I insinuate
that it would be a shame

if my account of what happened
was different from his

and then he ended up getting
a call from the sheriff.

You know what I mean?

And then, boom. We plow.

Okay. Yeah. No,
I-I think I get it.

Yeah, right? Right, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

(gasps)
Oh, my God!

Oh, a bird shit on me!
Oh.

A bird shit in my mouth!

A bird shit inside of my mouth!

(muttering gibberish)

I'm literally getting shit on.

I'm literally getting shit on!

Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! Whoa!

Oh, yeah!
Hey.

Hey, fellowship was fun.
Yeah, see?

It doesn't have to be all dour
and penitent to praise God.

Is it my turn? Absolutely.
Step up.

Okay.

Aah! No!

I failed!
It's okay.

I failed. I failed you. Nah.

No.
I failed God.

All right, get me good.
Whoa.

Hello.
What is...?

I brought my cat-o'-nine-tails.
Yeah.

You know, so, flagellate me.
Three-three lashes for missing.

Why would you want me
to do that?

So I could be a better boy.

Mac, it isn't a sin to miss,
okay? That's...

We don't punish ourselves
for that.

You don't punish yourselves?

Then how do you become
closer to God?

By just appreciating the game
and the wonderful day.

Well, sure, yeah,
it's a wonderful day now,

but look at that storm coming.

(thunderclap) That's
impending doom right there.

He-he probably sent that storm
because I keep failing him.

Look, just relax, try it again,

and this time, hey, no guilt.

No guilt?

Okay.

Oh, my.
Yes!

I did it! I did it!
All right.

In your face!
I beat your asses.

(thunder rumbles)
Whoa. Gay. Gay.

Gay, gay, gay, gay.

What are you doing?
Why are you two kissing?

Uh, because he's my husband,
and we love each other.

What's going on?

What-what about God?
You-you heard him.

He clapped and said, "No! Boom!"

You think thunder
is God clapping?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.
(thunder rumbling)

FRANK: You think there's gonna
be anybody here with talent?

I mean,
this is a Christian cruise.

This is gonna be boring as shit.

I'm anticipating a boring show.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, there she is.
Hmm.

Sitting by me again, huh?
Shut up.

I need something to wash the
bird shit taste out of my mouth.

Oh, yeah. I saw you guys.
Where are the beers?

In the captain's stomach.

Yeah.
CHARLIE: Yeah, it's, uh...

We kind of got, like,

you know, caught with them.

All of them?

Yup.
Pretty much, yeah.

I knew you couldn't stop
from being gluttonous.

Oh, you guys. Uh, all right, fine...
It was a mistake, man.

Give me the mouthwash.
I need the mouthwash then.

That's gone, too. I kind of drank...
all of it.

Charlie drank it. He needed to calm down.
You serious?

Goddamn it!
(thunder rumbles)

It doesn't do... Oh.
(electrical buzzing)

Whoa. Whoa. See. Oh!

See, I don't like
the storm, man.

The storm's starting to freak
me out. You know what I mean?

Yeah, WTF? Yes, yes, the
storm is intensifying.

And yet I remain calm
in spite of the fact that this

one here is dressed like this.

Uh... That's just crazy.
Yeah, it is weird.

This girl in the sweater?
He's been doing it all day.

You think that's...? Can you just...
can you just drop it?

Well, I would if she wouldn't
always be sitting in my eyeline.

Then again, that
is what she does.

She wants me
looking at her at all times.

She's driving me nuts,
I'll tell you.

Maybe I'll send her
a drink or something.

A virgin daiquiri for the virgin?
MAC: Guys, guys, guys, guys,

guys, guys, guys, guys, I've got
news, I've got terrible news.

- Oh, see this is exactly what I wanted a
vacation from. - CHARLIE: Of course you do.

There are two guys in this church...
DENNIS: Yeah.

...that are gay.

Who's the other guy?

(laughter)

I don't get the joke.
(overlapping chatter)

What's wrong with that? So what? Well,
guys, being gay is not Christian.

(electrical buzzing)
DENNIS: Oh!

Oh, see? That's...
that's freaking me out.

That's the big man! That's the big man.
I don't know what it is,

but I don't like it.
Let's go find our beer, man.

We're gonna go snoop around, see if we can
find our beer. Let's look for some alcohol.

Recover that beer
and bring some back.

Yeah. Don't take 'em all.
And why is...?

MAN:
Ladies and gents,

it's talent show time.
Please welcome

Marlene, the magician.

That's the bitch
who stole my chair!

Magic? The dark arts?
Are you guys serious?

First the queers.
Then sorcery?

This cruise is going
straight to hell. Okay.

I'm out of here!
All right. See ya.

Peace be with you.

We're not saying that other bit.
No.

Aah!

For my first trick tonight,

I'm going to need a volunteer.

Hmm. Hey, you, bird girl.

Come on up. Can you
believe this bitch?

(laughs)
Go. Go up.

I don't...
Bird girl.

Yes, we call her bird.
We also call her a bird.

(thunderclaps)

Oh, baby. See? These costumes
are a great idea, Frank.

(laughs) So we can go anywhere
we want on the ship now.

Anywhere we want.
And nobody's gonna know.

That's not exactly the first
mate's costume I had in mind.

Hey, man, you said "first
mate." That's gonna do.

I was, like, Gilligan.
That's the only guy I know.

Yeah, no.
It's good. It's good.

All right, so what do you think?

We find the captain's quarters,

kick down the door, find our beer.
Oh, no.

Strangle the guy or something.
Oh, no, no.

That beer? That beer
is long gone.

No, we don't want to do that.
Drank it, huh?

Oh, the party is
right down here.

And right down here below deck.
This is the party?

That's right. This is it.
I don't hear anything.

All I see is a bunch of pipes.

How is this a party?
The pipes are the party.

The pipes are the party?
Yeah.

What are you talking about? Well, all
the booze we're ever gonna need is

running through these pipes.

So, what? Wait, wait. We're just
gonna drink straight boat fuel?

No. We're gonna cut it.

With what?

Mixers.

Hmm?
Mmm.

(chuckles) Oh, good. Yeah,
you got one of those.

(clang)
Lord, hear my prayer!

The only reason I went to
this church in the first place

was to become closer to you!

Well, that and the other church
was getting super Vietnamese.

I just need to know my purpose!

I-I used to think it was worship

and then song and dance!

I got to be honest,
I've really taken to it,

and I think musicals
are gonna become

a huge part of my life
moving forward!

But now
with these gay Christians,

I don't know!

I need you to show me a sign

to tell me my purpose here!

Maybe some lightning!

Maybe some thunder?

No?

Should I have stuck
with the Vietnamese?

Is this your card?

(applause)

DEE: Can I... can I
have the deck, please?

I-I got a trick that'll blow
you guys out of the water.

Wait, I'm confused. Is that a
challenge or a terrorist threat

to the ship?
(laughs) (rimshot)

(Dee laughs mockingly)

Give me the goddamn deck.

By all means.

Pick a card, any card.

Hmm...

Now take a good look
at that card, please.

You might want to bring
it a little bit closer,

just so you can see it well.
A little bit closer. Great.

Now, tell me, what
suit is your card?

Spades.
Spades. Ooh. All right.

Now watch while I turn

these spades into stars.
Oh!

(gasping)
DEE: Oh, shit!

Who's getting shit on now,
bitch?

MARLENE:
What is wrong with you?

You knocked out my tooth!

(booing) Did I? That wasn't the plan.
I didn't mean to-- I-I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to do that.

Get off the stage, bird girl!

She stole my chair at the pool,
and I got so hot about it.

Hey, hey. What?
No, no, no, no, no!

Yeah!

What? No. Aw, no, come on!

Well, what is this, boat jail?

I'm not
a goddamn Somali pirate, okay?

No, wait, wait! Ah...

Goddamn it.

MAN (over radio): ...thunderstorms,
capable of producing gale-force winds...

The storm's worsening,
Captain. What should we do?

FRANK:
Fire the torpedoes!

What?
Full steam ahead!

Christ, not you again!
CHARLIE: Frank, I think I found

where he's hiding the beer!
What do you got, Charlie?

No, no, it's just, like, wires and stuff. Yeah.
Oh, yeah?

Put these men in the brig.

Charlie. Wait, wait.
Ah, get your hands off...

I'll dispose of those.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know where...
No, no, don't let him drink that!

Don't let him drink
our torpedo juice!

(sighs)

Dee?

What'd you get thrown in for?

I couldn't control my wrath.
You? Yeah.

Gluttony.
Yeah.

Been drinking boat fuel and shit.
Oh, sure.

Sure.
Yeah.

Oh... hello.

(thunder rumbles)

Wow. I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to scare you there.

Anyway, I, um... I should have
introduced myself earlier.

I'm the daiquiri man,

but I suspect you already knew
that, didn't you?

(chuckles softly)

Was it good? Was it sweet?

I guess.

Well, it either was
or it wasn't.

Yeah.
Yeah. Of course.

Yeah. No, I had one, too.
It was... it was sweet.

You seem sweet.

I've been watching you

and following you, of sorts.

You know, in a good way.

So how'd you like
that magic show?

Do you enjoy magic?

You know, I-I can
do magic. Whoop.

Uh, how did you get that?
Get your license?

Don't worry about it.

1996, though. That's good.
That makes the cutoff.

There you go. I wasn't
gonna steal it.

(clears throat)
Um...

So, how about this storm, huh?

I think it's kind
of cool, you know?

Here we are on a boat, you know,
out in the middle of...

out in the middle of nowhere,
and nobody would ever hear

our screams in this wind,
you know.

Oh.
(chuckles)

The thunder's really... It's
throwing this whole thing off.

It's making everything
I say seem sinister,

which it's not intended to
be, you know what I mean?

What's up?
I-I'm sorry. I have to go.

No, no, no, no,
no. No. Sorry, no.

It's... There's nowhere to go.
(chuckles)

There's really nowhere to go.

You know? So...

why don't I, uh,
come in your room?

(chuckles) "Come in your room."
That's not what I meant.

I would like to go in your room.

Um, and I suspect that maybe...

you might say no, and yet...

I also feel like maybe...

you wouldn't dare.

(screams)

Well, that's not supposed
to happen.

Guys, come on, come on!
It was a misunderstanding!

The storm made it seem
way worse than it is.

She was never in any danger.

Lust?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, Mac.

You're soaking wet.
Are you okay?

Yeah.
I was out in the rain

looking for a sign from God.

I never got the timing right,

but doesn't matter.

The point is,
I thought I was here

for you guys to open my mind.

But now I realized
I'm here to close yours!

I'm sorry, what?

Guys, I'm here to convert you.

From being gay.

You want to convert us?
Yeah!

You realize
how insulting that is?

How would you like it
if I tried to convert you?

Uh... I wouldn't care.

'Cause that's, like, impossible.

There's no way you guys could
convert me to your lifestyle.

Let's give it a shot.

Well...

I'm gay.

Yeah.
No shit.

Oh, you guys knew this already?

That you were gay?
From the day we met.

Oh, my God, I've been trying...
Yeah, always.

Whoa, really?
But what's going on?

Did you just get tossed in here?

Or, like, why are you in here? Oh,
no, I just walked in on my own.

What?! You let the door
close behind you?!

I couldn't find you guys.
I wanted to hang out.

I had something
important to tell you.

What is it?
There is no God.

Well, what?! What is
happening right now?

Why, where are you getting this from?
Yeah, why...

I was like...
(sighs) Okay.

If there was a God,
there's no way

that he would make me queer,
right?

I can't, I can't
listen to this anymore.

I got to get out of here.
I can't be around you.

I've got to get out of here!

Got to get out of here!

What are you squawking about?

Let me out of here!

Honestly,
what's the point anyway?

There's no meaning to any of it.

There's no God,
there's no heaven,

there's no hell.
Wrong!

Oh, I just wanted
a couple of days.

Just a couple of days
away from you guys.

But I can't escape you!

You know where hell is, Mac?

You know where hell is?
It's right here.

It's right now.

We are in hell!

(yells)
Oh, Jesus.

(horn blaring)

What the shit was that?