It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - McPoyle vs. Ponderosa: The Trial of the Century - full transcript
Liam McPoyle teams up with the lawyer to sue Bill Ponderosa for his lost eye; old grievances resurface.
BILL: You really think Jack can handle this case?
CHARLIE: Yeah, he's a lawyer.
FRANK: Besides, Bill, you're broke.
He's the best lawyer you can afford.
Yeah, Bill, you got to relax, okay? Uncle Jack
and I-- we got this case. Now-now, listen to me.
Liam McPoyle's gonna come at you hard, all right?
But-but I've done my research. I got something with this
bird theory that's gonna blow the court away. I-I...
I don't... I don't think we should pursue
this bird nonsense, Charlie. Yes.
I-I'm well-versed in bird law. Look,
Pondy, keep your eye on the prize.
This goes well, it's party time.
What is that?
Is that... is that drugs, Frank? Yeah.
No, dude, I need you keeping him clean,
all right? That's why you're here.
I got to have the drugs here
to keep him clean.
Well, that doesn't make sense.
I... Get rid of the drugs, Frank.
I-I don't want that. Hey, boys.
You ready for the big show? Yes, good, how you feeling?
You good, you do your homework, you know your talking points? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, cool as a cucumber.
You can... you can get off my back. Well, don't sass me,
I just... It was just a general Well, then don't hound me.
question, Dee. I'm just saying if you don't want sass,
then you should probably stop being a hound. All right, whatever.
Mac, why are you here?
This is your big day, dude. McPoyle suing Ponderosa?
It's huge, it's like the trial of the century.
Come on, man, everybody's got a thing. Don't leave me out.
Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a thing. Dennis has got a thing.
Dennis has a thing-- what are you talking about?
Oh! D... What are you doing here?
There's got to be a way to get this court
to let me out of my alimony payments.
I mean, have you guys seen Maureen? The woman has gone
almost full cat. It's-it's madness.
I shouldn't have to pay for that,
so I'm gonna talk to the judge, get him to throw it
on the docket, you know what I mean?
No, absolutely not.
That's gonna distract from my case.
Buddy, you don't have a case, okay?
You are not a lawyer.
Uncle Jack's just got you here handling
his papers for him 'cause he can't do it
'cause he's wearing those goddamn...
big hands over his hands.
I don't know what that is. What is that? I don't know what it is.
All right, well, either way, this whole thing's gonna be
a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna enjoy every second of it.
No, it's gonna go fine. No, it isn't.
No, it's gonna be fine. This is hardly the trial
of the century. Everything's gonna go just great.
On a scale of one to ten, how much sass
are you gonna give me today? A-Are you serious?
And hello to... you all.
What's the Jew lawyer doing here?
Not Jewish, and even if I was,
what difference would it make?
I meant that as a compliment.
Everybody knows Jews are the best lawyers.
I can't wait to crush you people.
I'll be representing Liam McPoyle today.
Where is Liam? Well, he actually got pinkeye
in his one good eye.
Well, in truth, someone named Doc McPoyle
attempted to put some sort of healing milk in his pinkeye
and it got infected, but that doesn't matter.
The point is...
you'll be dealing with me today.
And you'll be dealing with me today.
Jack Kelly, lawyer.
Good to see you again.
Are those fake hands?
No. Are those fake hands?
You know what, good luck with all of that today.
(sighs)
Did you see his hands? They're beautiful.
I think we should settle. What... Jesus Christ.
I'm going to prison. It's gonna be fine.
67th District Court is now in session.
Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding.
Please remove your hats and turn off your cell phones.
Okay. We have McPoyle v. Ponderosa.
Seeking damages for the loss of an eye in the form
of a one-time payment to the sum of...
$200.
Are the plaintiffs present?
I will be representing
the plaintiffs, Your Honor.
The defendants? Uh, yes, Your Honor.
And I just, uh, wanted to say I'm very excited
to be here. I do estate law,
and this is my first actual trial.
Uh, Your Honor, and if I may, uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.
Uh, background in bird law, uh...
Nephew. Yeah. But excited to be, uh, in the people's court
a-and a big fan of black judges,
too. Stop touching me.
Okay. Look.
All I need are the facts to this case.
I have a very long day ahead of me,
so I'm gonna need to keep this thing moving.
Are you gonna bang the, uh... Yeah, yeah.
the-the hammer? Do we...? Is there a...?
Here we go?
Hey. (chuckles) That's the...
Awesome. Yeah.
It's cool, right? Yeah, nice.
LAWYER: Your Honor,
Friday the 13th was a night of chaos.
Milk,
spiked with bath salts by this man,
Bill Ponderosa,
was served to the wedding guests.
Now, my client is odd.
You might even refer to his family as...
...very creepy.
But they are saints compared
to Bill Ponderosa
and the sordid lot of degenerates
he associates with.
Terrible people who ruin lives.
Ruined mine, cost my client his marriage,
ruined my first, now my second one is teetering.
You know what...
I'm gonna sit down.
I'm done.
They just do this to me, okay?
You get the point.
UNCLE JACK: Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh,
I'll keep it brief.
I just have three things to say.
Uh, one:
Liam McPoyle has a history of lying.
Two: My client is a loving
family man.
And three:
He is innocent.
Deandra Reynolds,
you were the one that told the police that Bill had
spiked the punch with bath salts. That's correct.
But you didn't actually see him do it, did you?
No, I did not. So is it possible that,
given the traumatic nature of the evening,
that you don't remember the evening
all that well? Yes, that's correct.
My car was destroyed and I was locked into a freezer.
My memory was clouded by rage,
and so I misremembered the incident.
An understandable mistake. Could happen to any one of us.
For example, you remember me, possibly,
as a man with small hands.
Yeah, you think...
What... you think, "He had small hands."
Do you remember that?
Yeah, sure, okay.
What you remember is false.
O-Okay. Yup.
Big, masculine.
My hands tell a story
of greatness.
And when you look at my right hand... MELVOY: I'm gonna st...
uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you
right now. Are you just gonna
talk about your hands for a while?
Uh, no, Your Honor.
No more questions for the witness.
(sighs) Deandra,
here is the statement that you gave
to police.
"Bill did it. That goddamn drug addict
"is out of his mind. I'll testify to that.
"I swear on my mother's grave that Bill spiked
"that milk, no doubt about it.
He's guilty, guilty, guilty."
DEE: Uh...
Have you ever had sex
with Bill before?
Yeah.
Yes, sure. Because we-we were...
We had a... We were sort of...
We were lovers for a little...
One of his prostitutes, right.
Prostitutes?
Um, I have a receipt for a mink coat,
recently purchased by a Bill Ponderosa
to be delivered to a Dee Reynolds.
A gift?
Yes. I had a birthday.
Six months ago.
Uh... Are you aware
that the coat was purchased
at Doyle McPoyle's Trappings and Fur?
No. Or that the coat
was not made of mink at all
but rather made of... muskrat?
Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat? Are you kidding me,
Bill? Okay, you know what, fine, he spiked it.
(murmuring) I'm sorry. What did you say?
He spiked it and then he tried to bribe me.
(groaning)
No further questions, Your Honor.
Ma'am, do you know what perjury is?
Mm-hmm.
CHARLIE: Oh, this is terrible.
Well, he shouldn't be ... This is terrible.
Wow, you guys are getting crushed in there.
Yeah. Oh, I know. Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.
Hey, you know, I feel like I'm not being utilized properly.
Well, that's 'cause you don't have anything.
So you're not being utilized at all.
Yeah, but what if I get to deliver the bombshell?
Oh. What bombshell?
You guys don't have a bombshell? Oh, my God.
Every good case needs a bombshell.
Oh, Jesus Christ, and, without it,
you're screwed. You know what, you know what? Okay.
I'll find one for you. I'm gonna do, like, a hero cop,
Mark Fuhrman thing... Oh, Mark Furhman. No...
and then sort of transition into a Kato Kaelin.
Yeah, I wish you would do none of it.
Okay. All right. Cool. I wish you'd do none of it, man.
I'm on it, I'm on it. Shit. Okay. All right.
Ah, why can't people just stay out of this?
Yeah, look, there's potentially... That-That's my bird expert.
He's from Penn. The guy... Like, he's totally official, okay?
Let me do the bird thing. He's an ornithologist. I don't think it's a good...
I'm gonna kill, man. I know, but, Charlie, I'm just...
Uncle Jack, put me back on the stand. What?
No, we cannot. Are you kidding me?
You're lucky you didn't get sent to jail.
Yeah, I know. But I think this could work.
I'm gonna say I found some bullshit online
that proves that lawyer's Jewish. Oh.
So what? So what? He'll be a laughingstock.
(laughs) Yes. Yes. Right?
Because the man is Jewish?
No. What? No. Not because he's... Well, that's what
it sounds like you're saying. N-Not because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar
and because he's embarrassed about being Jewish.
I mean, what is that?
Dee, you blew it. Like, big-time.
I wish you guys would just stay out of this.
I-I didn't... I-I... (groans)
Maureen, you are the sister of Bill Ponderosa,
and it was at your wedding that Liam got attacked?
Meow. Mmm.
Your Honor, nothing represents the tragic aftermath
more than the dramatic transformation of this woman...
Uh, cat. Excuse me?
As I transition from woman to cat,
I must insist on being referred to as a cat.
Objection. She's not a cat, Your Honor.
(hisses) (gallery gasping)
If the witness wants to consider herself a cat, I will allow it.
I just need to know where all this is headed.
How is this relevant?
Well, it's clearly relevant
the attack had a psychological impact
on all the parties that evening.
No further questions.
Y-Your Honor, do you see what's going on here? This is crazy.
You know what, I'm gonna... I'm gonna approach the bench. No.
Can I just approach it real fast? Absolutely not.
All right, earlier, you-you referred to my ex-wife as a cat,
per her request. Uh, now, surely, you wouldn't force a man
to pay alimony to a cat, right?
So motion to establish me not having to pay alimony anymore.
I will not allow that. Okay, well, so can we just... we'll pop it on the docket?
We can put it at the end of the day if you want.
I just want to clear it up while I got her in a courtroom.
I will not allow that, either. Sit down.
Now you don't allow something. Now you don't allow something!
Allow all this. You gonna allow that?
You know? But you don't... Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.
UNCLE JACK: Frank,
did you go to the wedding? I did.
And I snuck Ryan up in the trunk of my car.
He hadn't been invited to the wedding, on account of the beef with Liam.
And I had him in the trunk of the car, on account of I didn't want to sit with him
'cause he's gross. Right.
(chuckles) And, uh, uh,
what did Ryan say to you when you got to the wedding?
"I'm gonna kill Maureen Ponderosa."
So, if there's someone to point the finger at, it would be...
his brother! (gallery gasping)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, nobody look!
Nobody look! Nobody look!
Nobody look! Nobody look!
Nobody look!
Now, you've stabbed
your brother before, correct?
Oh, sure.
And you were upset at the wedding.
So it's not crazy for me to ask you this.
Ryan McPoyle, did you attack your brother at the wedding?
Oh. I'm not Ryan.
What, you're not? Nope.
I'm Lion. Like the animal.
Lion McPoyle.
Wh-Why are you on the stand?
Because you said "his brother"
and threw your big fake hand at me.
O-Okay. Ryan's at home with Liam, taking care of his infected eye.
Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,
str-strike that, uh, hand comment from the record.
Uh, would you happen to know
if Ryan stabbed his brother in the eye?
Oh, yeah. I know. He totally did it.
(gallery murmuring) Well, then I guess
we will never know, ladies and gentlemen.
Uncle Jack, he just confessed!
He did? Yes!
Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam. I totally saw it.
Oh, my God! We won!
(light cheering and applause)
We-- you did it.
We did it. How did I do it?
Lion, was Ryan drinking milk at the wedding?
Of course. Everyone was.
So who did the stabbing doesn't matter, Your Honor,
because they were all still drugged
on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,
which is the point I've been trying to make the entire time.
So just to be clear, you've proven my case.
You lose.
(gallery groaning) (sighs) I can't follow any of this.
What? Guys, I got it.
You-you got what?
I got the bombshell.
UNCLE JACK: Okay, Mr. McDonald,
you recently found out some very interesting information.
Care to share it with the court?
Yes. I've recently been informed
that Ryan McPoyle only drinks mother's milk!
(gallery gasping, murmuring) Which means there's no way
he could have drank the milk that Bill spiked,
which means he was sober when he attacked his brother,
which means Bill is innocent!
Case closed! Kaboom!
Bombshell!
(laughs)
I did it. I did it, black judge. I did it.
Mr.... Mr. McDonald, how did you come upon this information?
Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle. I'm curious
how she told you, because Margaret is a mute.
Well, guess what, smart guy, I had her write it down.
One more thing, Your Honor. Margaret, you carry a picture
of Mother with you at all times, don't you?
Do you mind showing that to the court?
(gallery gasping)
LAWYER: Your Honor,
Mother is the name of the McPoyle family cow.
The cow that provided the milk for the wedding.
The milk that was drugged by...
Bill Ponderosa.
That mute bitch lied to me for sex.
Bombshell diffused.
Abramowitz! (gallery murmuring)
Your great-grandmother's last name was Abramowitz.
I found it on an ancestry Web site.
That makes you a dirty liar because you are Jewish.
(gallery groaning and murmuring)
Okay, I... That came out kind of bad.
I-I'm not disgusted by the Jewish part.
It's the... it's the lying part that I was talking about.
This dirty liar is a Jew...
ish man.
Recess?
CHARLIE: Oh, God!
Oh, that stupid Dee. All right, calm down, calm down.
Look, as the great Johnnie Cochran once said,
if the glove doesn't fit, give up.
That's not what he said! That's not... It...
How are you a lawyer, Jack? All right...
I mean, I know more than you. All right, look...
Watch your voice. Watch your voice. Okay, okay, let's just...
let me do my bird thing. Okay, Bill,
I want to do the bird thing. Can we just do it...?
Yeah, that's great. No, let's do the bird thing.
You're good with it now? Okay. Love it, yeah.
Jesus, son, what'd you cut this with? Shut up, bitch.
Son? Your... This is... Your son is your dealer?
He's reliable.
Oh, God. Frank, what are you doing, man?
Come on, reign it in. I paid for it.
I'm gonna do it. Hey, fat ass, this asshole's short 30 bucks.
Go steal another set of my golf clubs, you piece of shit.
(bleep) you. Piss off.
Guys, guys, we're doing the bird theory, all right? All right.
All right. All right. All right. I'm taking the lead here, okay?
Yeah. All right, let's do it. Birds on three.
ALL: One, two, three. Birds! Those are just ridiculous, man.
It's like three hands... like eight hands out there. Yeah.
CHARLIE: Your Honor,
this is the McPoyle family crest.
On it you will find a bird--
a Pocono swallow, to be more accurate.
A very rare, very elusive bird.
You'll notice its trademark
unibrow, highly uncommon in most aviary circles.
And my research shows
that unlike your typical North American barn swallow,
the Pocono swallow, if kept under the proper conditions,
can live as long as 80 to even 85 years,
much like a parrot
or some of the more resilient coastal gulls.
Your Honor, where is this going?
I don't know, but it'd better lead somewhere fast.
Your Honor, I can assure you
that this will be our final argument.
Well, if it's gonna help end all of this madness,
I'll allow it.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Now, there was another member
of the McPoyle family clan at the wedding
the night of the incident.
A member that none of us have met.
Certainly not anyone on this side of the aisle.
A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.
A bird. The McPoyle family's
pet Pocono swallow, and my research shows
that this particular Pocono swallow
has a history of violence.
Look into the gallery, and you will see Royal's victims.
It took Margaret's vocal cords in 1999,
leaving her mute.
Keith McPoyle lost his eyes and his ears
to it in '76, and we all know
that according to bird law, it's three strikes,
and you're out.
Bye, bye, birdie.
Ready, boys and girls, because here's where it gets good.
Ryan McPoyle didn't attack Liam. Royal did.
And Lion was lying about Ryan attacking Liam
to protect Royal from the chair.
Or lethal injection.
Or perhaps some sort of small bird guillotine.
I wouldn't understand the physics of it.
I'm not an executioner.
I'm just the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.
So, bottom line-- and listen up, numbnuts,
'cause it blows a hole in your case--
birds don't drink milk.
Objection, Your Honor. (gallery groaning)
There's no Royal McPoyle.
Perhaps, or perhaps not.
Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle to the stand.
Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family.
Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy.
And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him?
(crying): Yeah. Yeah.
I have seen...
raccoons and oysters dancing...
in the head of a pin with the angels.
They are laughing.
LAWYER: All right, Your Honor,
clearly, this witness is mentally unwell
and cannot answer any of the questions properly...
Uh, perhaps, Your Honor, or-or perhaps it's just a cover.
But it's quite all right.
I don't have any further questions.
Oh, except one more.
Didn't the bailiff ask everyone to remove their hats?
That is true.
Mr. McPoyle,
would you please remove your hat?
Hmm... Mr. McPoyle, please remove your hat.
Perhaps he is too insane to understand the question.
Why don't I just...?
(squawk)
(gallery groans, gasps, shouts)
Ladies and gentlemen, Royal McPoyle.
(squawks)
Chickadee, dee, dee, little birdie.
Let's dance.
Your Honor, this is Mr. Belka Maier.
He's a professor of ornithology at the University of Penn.
Mr. Maier, it's safe to say
you're a bit of an expert on birds, yes?
I believe you're correct.
And you would understand this Pocono swallow quite well,
wouldn't you? Yes, I do.
Then please ask it if it attacked Liam!
Ask... if... What?
CHARLIE: Mr. Maier, I would like you to please talk
to the bird and say, "Did you attack Liam McPoyle?!"
(laughing): I can't converse with... with a bird.
Well, I thought you were an expert on birds. I am an expert on birds, but...
Well, I need you to communicate with the bird.
This is very important, and I need to... MAIER: But it's a...
(laughs)
Well, this is a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.
Perhaps this man has lied about his credentials.
Uh, fortunately, I am familiar with a little bit of pigeon.
Perhaps I can get through to it in some way.
(cooing)
LAWYER: Okay.
Your Honor, this is nonsense.
Look, kitty. (mews)
Yeah, kitty. Chase the laser beam, kitty. (gallery gasping and murmuring)
Order. Your Honor, you've got a man speaking to a bird.
And yet, you refuse to rule
on me having to pay alimony to this cat.
What is this?! Order!
It's a mockery of justice, Your Honor.
This is ridiculous, and this...
I said, order! (gallery clamoring)
LAWYER: He's talking to the pigeon!
I'm not paying alimony to a goddamn cat!
Order! I want order in this court!
Fly, my pet!
Fly!
(bird squawking, people screaming)
Bring me their eyes!
(laughing)
(screaming, shouting)
Bring them to me!
(laughing)
Oh!
(clamoring)
MELVOY: In my 35 years on this bench, I have never seen
such a mockery made of this courtroom.
You people have wasted my time,
you've wasted the taxpayers' time,
and this justice has heard enough.
I am throwing this case out.
I should've done it hours ago.
He's throwing it out! That means we win!
That means we win! That means we won!
Damn, damn, damn!
Order.
Eat that! Damn it!
Order!
This court has ruled.
Now, I suggest
that you people get the hell out of my courtroom
before I put you all in jail.
You got it! Get out!
Bailiff, next case.
Ridiculous.
We have Morgan State Delivery
v. the proprietors of one Paddy's Pub.
Oh! That's us. Yeah, that's us, Your Honor. Oh, that's us. Oh!
Oh, hell no! Uh-uh.
All right. Uh-uh!
(trumpet playing off-key)
Brown.
CHARLIE: Yeah, he's a lawyer.
FRANK: Besides, Bill, you're broke.
He's the best lawyer you can afford.
Yeah, Bill, you got to relax, okay? Uncle Jack
and I-- we got this case. Now-now, listen to me.
Liam McPoyle's gonna come at you hard, all right?
But-but I've done my research. I got something with this
bird theory that's gonna blow the court away. I-I...
I don't... I don't think we should pursue
this bird nonsense, Charlie. Yes.
I-I'm well-versed in bird law. Look,
Pondy, keep your eye on the prize.
This goes well, it's party time.
What is that?
Is that... is that drugs, Frank? Yeah.
No, dude, I need you keeping him clean,
all right? That's why you're here.
I got to have the drugs here
to keep him clean.
Well, that doesn't make sense.
I... Get rid of the drugs, Frank.
I-I don't want that. Hey, boys.
You ready for the big show? Yes, good, how you feeling?
You good, you do your homework, you know your talking points? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, cool as a cucumber.
You can... you can get off my back. Well, don't sass me,
I just... It was just a general Well, then don't hound me.
question, Dee. I'm just saying if you don't want sass,
then you should probably stop being a hound. All right, whatever.
Mac, why are you here?
This is your big day, dude. McPoyle suing Ponderosa?
It's huge, it's like the trial of the century.
Come on, man, everybody's got a thing. Don't leave me out.
Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a thing. Dennis has got a thing.
Dennis has a thing-- what are you talking about?
Oh! D... What are you doing here?
There's got to be a way to get this court
to let me out of my alimony payments.
I mean, have you guys seen Maureen? The woman has gone
almost full cat. It's-it's madness.
I shouldn't have to pay for that,
so I'm gonna talk to the judge, get him to throw it
on the docket, you know what I mean?
No, absolutely not.
That's gonna distract from my case.
Buddy, you don't have a case, okay?
You are not a lawyer.
Uncle Jack's just got you here handling
his papers for him 'cause he can't do it
'cause he's wearing those goddamn...
big hands over his hands.
I don't know what that is. What is that? I don't know what it is.
All right, well, either way, this whole thing's gonna be
a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna enjoy every second of it.
No, it's gonna go fine. No, it isn't.
No, it's gonna be fine. This is hardly the trial
of the century. Everything's gonna go just great.
On a scale of one to ten, how much sass
are you gonna give me today? A-Are you serious?
And hello to... you all.
What's the Jew lawyer doing here?
Not Jewish, and even if I was,
what difference would it make?
I meant that as a compliment.
Everybody knows Jews are the best lawyers.
I can't wait to crush you people.
I'll be representing Liam McPoyle today.
Where is Liam? Well, he actually got pinkeye
in his one good eye.
Well, in truth, someone named Doc McPoyle
attempted to put some sort of healing milk in his pinkeye
and it got infected, but that doesn't matter.
The point is...
you'll be dealing with me today.
And you'll be dealing with me today.
Jack Kelly, lawyer.
Good to see you again.
Are those fake hands?
No. Are those fake hands?
You know what, good luck with all of that today.
(sighs)
Did you see his hands? They're beautiful.
I think we should settle. What... Jesus Christ.
I'm going to prison. It's gonna be fine.
67th District Court is now in session.
Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding.
Please remove your hats and turn off your cell phones.
Okay. We have McPoyle v. Ponderosa.
Seeking damages for the loss of an eye in the form
of a one-time payment to the sum of...
$200.
Are the plaintiffs present?
I will be representing
the plaintiffs, Your Honor.
The defendants? Uh, yes, Your Honor.
And I just, uh, wanted to say I'm very excited
to be here. I do estate law,
and this is my first actual trial.
Uh, Your Honor, and if I may, uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.
Uh, background in bird law, uh...
Nephew. Yeah. But excited to be, uh, in the people's court
a-and a big fan of black judges,
too. Stop touching me.
Okay. Look.
All I need are the facts to this case.
I have a very long day ahead of me,
so I'm gonna need to keep this thing moving.
Are you gonna bang the, uh... Yeah, yeah.
the-the hammer? Do we...? Is there a...?
Here we go?
Hey. (chuckles) That's the...
Awesome. Yeah.
It's cool, right? Yeah, nice.
LAWYER: Your Honor,
Friday the 13th was a night of chaos.
Milk,
spiked with bath salts by this man,
Bill Ponderosa,
was served to the wedding guests.
Now, my client is odd.
You might even refer to his family as...
...very creepy.
But they are saints compared
to Bill Ponderosa
and the sordid lot of degenerates
he associates with.
Terrible people who ruin lives.
Ruined mine, cost my client his marriage,
ruined my first, now my second one is teetering.
You know what...
I'm gonna sit down.
I'm done.
They just do this to me, okay?
You get the point.
UNCLE JACK: Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh,
I'll keep it brief.
I just have three things to say.
Uh, one:
Liam McPoyle has a history of lying.
Two: My client is a loving
family man.
And three:
He is innocent.
Deandra Reynolds,
you were the one that told the police that Bill had
spiked the punch with bath salts. That's correct.
But you didn't actually see him do it, did you?
No, I did not. So is it possible that,
given the traumatic nature of the evening,
that you don't remember the evening
all that well? Yes, that's correct.
My car was destroyed and I was locked into a freezer.
My memory was clouded by rage,
and so I misremembered the incident.
An understandable mistake. Could happen to any one of us.
For example, you remember me, possibly,
as a man with small hands.
Yeah, you think...
What... you think, "He had small hands."
Do you remember that?
Yeah, sure, okay.
What you remember is false.
O-Okay. Yup.
Big, masculine.
My hands tell a story
of greatness.
And when you look at my right hand... MELVOY: I'm gonna st...
uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you
right now. Are you just gonna
talk about your hands for a while?
Uh, no, Your Honor.
No more questions for the witness.
(sighs) Deandra,
here is the statement that you gave
to police.
"Bill did it. That goddamn drug addict
"is out of his mind. I'll testify to that.
"I swear on my mother's grave that Bill spiked
"that milk, no doubt about it.
He's guilty, guilty, guilty."
DEE: Uh...
Have you ever had sex
with Bill before?
Yeah.
Yes, sure. Because we-we were...
We had a... We were sort of...
We were lovers for a little...
One of his prostitutes, right.
Prostitutes?
Um, I have a receipt for a mink coat,
recently purchased by a Bill Ponderosa
to be delivered to a Dee Reynolds.
A gift?
Yes. I had a birthday.
Six months ago.
Uh... Are you aware
that the coat was purchased
at Doyle McPoyle's Trappings and Fur?
No. Or that the coat
was not made of mink at all
but rather made of... muskrat?
Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat? Are you kidding me,
Bill? Okay, you know what, fine, he spiked it.
(murmuring) I'm sorry. What did you say?
He spiked it and then he tried to bribe me.
(groaning)
No further questions, Your Honor.
Ma'am, do you know what perjury is?
Mm-hmm.
CHARLIE: Oh, this is terrible.
Well, he shouldn't be ... This is terrible.
Wow, you guys are getting crushed in there.
Yeah. Oh, I know. Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.
Hey, you know, I feel like I'm not being utilized properly.
Well, that's 'cause you don't have anything.
So you're not being utilized at all.
Yeah, but what if I get to deliver the bombshell?
Oh. What bombshell?
You guys don't have a bombshell? Oh, my God.
Every good case needs a bombshell.
Oh, Jesus Christ, and, without it,
you're screwed. You know what, you know what? Okay.
I'll find one for you. I'm gonna do, like, a hero cop,
Mark Fuhrman thing... Oh, Mark Furhman. No...
and then sort of transition into a Kato Kaelin.
Yeah, I wish you would do none of it.
Okay. All right. Cool. I wish you'd do none of it, man.
I'm on it, I'm on it. Shit. Okay. All right.
Ah, why can't people just stay out of this?
Yeah, look, there's potentially... That-That's my bird expert.
He's from Penn. The guy... Like, he's totally official, okay?
Let me do the bird thing. He's an ornithologist. I don't think it's a good...
I'm gonna kill, man. I know, but, Charlie, I'm just...
Uncle Jack, put me back on the stand. What?
No, we cannot. Are you kidding me?
You're lucky you didn't get sent to jail.
Yeah, I know. But I think this could work.
I'm gonna say I found some bullshit online
that proves that lawyer's Jewish. Oh.
So what? So what? He'll be a laughingstock.
(laughs) Yes. Yes. Right?
Because the man is Jewish?
No. What? No. Not because he's... Well, that's what
it sounds like you're saying. N-Not because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar
and because he's embarrassed about being Jewish.
I mean, what is that?
Dee, you blew it. Like, big-time.
I wish you guys would just stay out of this.
I-I didn't... I-I... (groans)
Maureen, you are the sister of Bill Ponderosa,
and it was at your wedding that Liam got attacked?
Meow. Mmm.
Your Honor, nothing represents the tragic aftermath
more than the dramatic transformation of this woman...
Uh, cat. Excuse me?
As I transition from woman to cat,
I must insist on being referred to as a cat.
Objection. She's not a cat, Your Honor.
(hisses) (gallery gasping)
If the witness wants to consider herself a cat, I will allow it.
I just need to know where all this is headed.
How is this relevant?
Well, it's clearly relevant
the attack had a psychological impact
on all the parties that evening.
No further questions.
Y-Your Honor, do you see what's going on here? This is crazy.
You know what, I'm gonna... I'm gonna approach the bench. No.
Can I just approach it real fast? Absolutely not.
All right, earlier, you-you referred to my ex-wife as a cat,
per her request. Uh, now, surely, you wouldn't force a man
to pay alimony to a cat, right?
So motion to establish me not having to pay alimony anymore.
I will not allow that. Okay, well, so can we just... we'll pop it on the docket?
We can put it at the end of the day if you want.
I just want to clear it up while I got her in a courtroom.
I will not allow that, either. Sit down.
Now you don't allow something. Now you don't allow something!
Allow all this. You gonna allow that?
You know? But you don't... Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.
UNCLE JACK: Frank,
did you go to the wedding? I did.
And I snuck Ryan up in the trunk of my car.
He hadn't been invited to the wedding, on account of the beef with Liam.
And I had him in the trunk of the car, on account of I didn't want to sit with him
'cause he's gross. Right.
(chuckles) And, uh, uh,
what did Ryan say to you when you got to the wedding?
"I'm gonna kill Maureen Ponderosa."
So, if there's someone to point the finger at, it would be...
his brother! (gallery gasping)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, nobody look!
Nobody look! Nobody look!
Nobody look! Nobody look!
Nobody look!
Now, you've stabbed
your brother before, correct?
Oh, sure.
And you were upset at the wedding.
So it's not crazy for me to ask you this.
Ryan McPoyle, did you attack your brother at the wedding?
Oh. I'm not Ryan.
What, you're not? Nope.
I'm Lion. Like the animal.
Lion McPoyle.
Wh-Why are you on the stand?
Because you said "his brother"
and threw your big fake hand at me.
O-Okay. Ryan's at home with Liam, taking care of his infected eye.
Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,
str-strike that, uh, hand comment from the record.
Uh, would you happen to know
if Ryan stabbed his brother in the eye?
Oh, yeah. I know. He totally did it.
(gallery murmuring) Well, then I guess
we will never know, ladies and gentlemen.
Uncle Jack, he just confessed!
He did? Yes!
Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam. I totally saw it.
Oh, my God! We won!
(light cheering and applause)
We-- you did it.
We did it. How did I do it?
Lion, was Ryan drinking milk at the wedding?
Of course. Everyone was.
So who did the stabbing doesn't matter, Your Honor,
because they were all still drugged
on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,
which is the point I've been trying to make the entire time.
So just to be clear, you've proven my case.
You lose.
(gallery groaning) (sighs) I can't follow any of this.
What? Guys, I got it.
You-you got what?
I got the bombshell.
UNCLE JACK: Okay, Mr. McDonald,
you recently found out some very interesting information.
Care to share it with the court?
Yes. I've recently been informed
that Ryan McPoyle only drinks mother's milk!
(gallery gasping, murmuring) Which means there's no way
he could have drank the milk that Bill spiked,
which means he was sober when he attacked his brother,
which means Bill is innocent!
Case closed! Kaboom!
Bombshell!
(laughs)
I did it. I did it, black judge. I did it.
Mr.... Mr. McDonald, how did you come upon this information?
Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle. I'm curious
how she told you, because Margaret is a mute.
Well, guess what, smart guy, I had her write it down.
One more thing, Your Honor. Margaret, you carry a picture
of Mother with you at all times, don't you?
Do you mind showing that to the court?
(gallery gasping)
LAWYER: Your Honor,
Mother is the name of the McPoyle family cow.
The cow that provided the milk for the wedding.
The milk that was drugged by...
Bill Ponderosa.
That mute bitch lied to me for sex.
Bombshell diffused.
Abramowitz! (gallery murmuring)
Your great-grandmother's last name was Abramowitz.
I found it on an ancestry Web site.
That makes you a dirty liar because you are Jewish.
(gallery groaning and murmuring)
Okay, I... That came out kind of bad.
I-I'm not disgusted by the Jewish part.
It's the... it's the lying part that I was talking about.
This dirty liar is a Jew...
ish man.
Recess?
CHARLIE: Oh, God!
Oh, that stupid Dee. All right, calm down, calm down.
Look, as the great Johnnie Cochran once said,
if the glove doesn't fit, give up.
That's not what he said! That's not... It...
How are you a lawyer, Jack? All right...
I mean, I know more than you. All right, look...
Watch your voice. Watch your voice. Okay, okay, let's just...
let me do my bird thing. Okay, Bill,
I want to do the bird thing. Can we just do it...?
Yeah, that's great. No, let's do the bird thing.
You're good with it now? Okay. Love it, yeah.
Jesus, son, what'd you cut this with? Shut up, bitch.
Son? Your... This is... Your son is your dealer?
He's reliable.
Oh, God. Frank, what are you doing, man?
Come on, reign it in. I paid for it.
I'm gonna do it. Hey, fat ass, this asshole's short 30 bucks.
Go steal another set of my golf clubs, you piece of shit.
(bleep) you. Piss off.
Guys, guys, we're doing the bird theory, all right? All right.
All right. All right. All right. I'm taking the lead here, okay?
Yeah. All right, let's do it. Birds on three.
ALL: One, two, three. Birds! Those are just ridiculous, man.
It's like three hands... like eight hands out there. Yeah.
CHARLIE: Your Honor,
this is the McPoyle family crest.
On it you will find a bird--
a Pocono swallow, to be more accurate.
A very rare, very elusive bird.
You'll notice its trademark
unibrow, highly uncommon in most aviary circles.
And my research shows
that unlike your typical North American barn swallow,
the Pocono swallow, if kept under the proper conditions,
can live as long as 80 to even 85 years,
much like a parrot
or some of the more resilient coastal gulls.
Your Honor, where is this going?
I don't know, but it'd better lead somewhere fast.
Your Honor, I can assure you
that this will be our final argument.
Well, if it's gonna help end all of this madness,
I'll allow it.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Now, there was another member
of the McPoyle family clan at the wedding
the night of the incident.
A member that none of us have met.
Certainly not anyone on this side of the aisle.
A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.
A bird. The McPoyle family's
pet Pocono swallow, and my research shows
that this particular Pocono swallow
has a history of violence.
Look into the gallery, and you will see Royal's victims.
It took Margaret's vocal cords in 1999,
leaving her mute.
Keith McPoyle lost his eyes and his ears
to it in '76, and we all know
that according to bird law, it's three strikes,
and you're out.
Bye, bye, birdie.
Ready, boys and girls, because here's where it gets good.
Ryan McPoyle didn't attack Liam. Royal did.
And Lion was lying about Ryan attacking Liam
to protect Royal from the chair.
Or lethal injection.
Or perhaps some sort of small bird guillotine.
I wouldn't understand the physics of it.
I'm not an executioner.
I'm just the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.
So, bottom line-- and listen up, numbnuts,
'cause it blows a hole in your case--
birds don't drink milk.
Objection, Your Honor. (gallery groaning)
There's no Royal McPoyle.
Perhaps, or perhaps not.
Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle to the stand.
Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family.
Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy.
And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him?
(crying): Yeah. Yeah.
I have seen...
raccoons and oysters dancing...
in the head of a pin with the angels.
They are laughing.
LAWYER: All right, Your Honor,
clearly, this witness is mentally unwell
and cannot answer any of the questions properly...
Uh, perhaps, Your Honor, or-or perhaps it's just a cover.
But it's quite all right.
I don't have any further questions.
Oh, except one more.
Didn't the bailiff ask everyone to remove their hats?
That is true.
Mr. McPoyle,
would you please remove your hat?
Hmm... Mr. McPoyle, please remove your hat.
Perhaps he is too insane to understand the question.
Why don't I just...?
(squawk)
(gallery groans, gasps, shouts)
Ladies and gentlemen, Royal McPoyle.
(squawks)
Chickadee, dee, dee, little birdie.
Let's dance.
Your Honor, this is Mr. Belka Maier.
He's a professor of ornithology at the University of Penn.
Mr. Maier, it's safe to say
you're a bit of an expert on birds, yes?
I believe you're correct.
And you would understand this Pocono swallow quite well,
wouldn't you? Yes, I do.
Then please ask it if it attacked Liam!
Ask... if... What?
CHARLIE: Mr. Maier, I would like you to please talk
to the bird and say, "Did you attack Liam McPoyle?!"
(laughing): I can't converse with... with a bird.
Well, I thought you were an expert on birds. I am an expert on birds, but...
Well, I need you to communicate with the bird.
This is very important, and I need to... MAIER: But it's a...
(laughs)
Well, this is a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.
Perhaps this man has lied about his credentials.
Uh, fortunately, I am familiar with a little bit of pigeon.
Perhaps I can get through to it in some way.
(cooing)
LAWYER: Okay.
Your Honor, this is nonsense.
Look, kitty. (mews)
Yeah, kitty. Chase the laser beam, kitty. (gallery gasping and murmuring)
Order. Your Honor, you've got a man speaking to a bird.
And yet, you refuse to rule
on me having to pay alimony to this cat.
What is this?! Order!
It's a mockery of justice, Your Honor.
This is ridiculous, and this...
I said, order! (gallery clamoring)
LAWYER: He's talking to the pigeon!
I'm not paying alimony to a goddamn cat!
Order! I want order in this court!
Fly, my pet!
Fly!
(bird squawking, people screaming)
Bring me their eyes!
(laughing)
(screaming, shouting)
Bring them to me!
(laughing)
Oh!
(clamoring)
MELVOY: In my 35 years on this bench, I have never seen
such a mockery made of this courtroom.
You people have wasted my time,
you've wasted the taxpayers' time,
and this justice has heard enough.
I am throwing this case out.
I should've done it hours ago.
He's throwing it out! That means we win!
That means we win! That means we won!
Damn, damn, damn!
Order.
Eat that! Damn it!
Order!
This court has ruled.
Now, I suggest
that you people get the hell out of my courtroom
before I put you all in jail.
You got it! Get out!
Bailiff, next case.
Ridiculous.
We have Morgan State Delivery
v. the proprietors of one Paddy's Pub.
Oh! That's us. Yeah, that's us, Your Honor. Oh, that's us. Oh!
Oh, hell no! Uh-uh.
All right. Uh-uh!
(trumpet playing off-key)
Brown.