It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 4 - Dee Made a Smut Film - full transcript

Hey, guys. Here we go.

- I'm ordering it.
- Drop the bluff, Dee.

No one believes
you're in an actual movie.

You guys are gonna feel hella
stupid when you see me

acting in a feature film.
"Hella." Are we saying "hella" now?

'Cause I like it.
No, we're not saying "hella," okay?

No.
Nobody's saying "hella" anymore.

I never really got to say it.
"Hella" came and went. Me, neither.

Dee, can we watch
something else?

Can we watch, like,
a superhero movie or something?

This is such a waste of our...

Oh, that's a nice opening shot.
Symmetrical vista.

It's beautiful.

Directed by Pedro Vyes. Who's he?

He's, like, this foreign
art house director.

Oh. Ooh...
Foreign director. Very impressive.

Okay, you guys, be quiet.
This is my scene.

Pretty early for a whiskey.

Or pretty late.

Why don't you make it a double.

Oh, yeah? A little hair
of the dog that bit you?

Yeah, Dee,

I got to hand it to you.
Y-You've been talking

about doing this for years,
and... Is that Richard Grieco?

Hi.

Aw, Grieco. I love that
guy. Where's he been?

Richard Grieco
is in an art house movie?

That seems odd. That's a little strange.
Yeah, it's a little stra...

But, you know, they-they always
got to get some kind of a name

- in order to finance the mo...
Oh, now he's being blown. - Right.

Okay. Now-now this makes sense.

So, Dee, you clearly made a porn.
This is a porno!

What? No? It's not
a porn. You guys,

the-the foreigners, they have
a much more evolved view of sex.

This is... this is art.

Dee, what channel
did you order this from?

Cinemax.

Cinemax?!

Dee, Cinemax doesn't make art.

You guys, Pedro is-is
an edgy, foreign director.

Where's he from?

Puerto Rico.
Oh!

Puerto Rico? Puerto Rico?
Puerto Rico!

Oh, man.

Dee, you made a Skinemax flick
with a Puerto Rican pervert.

Congratulations. Good thing
you got us all together.

Listen, hey, I did
not make a smut film.

Gobble that cock.

Now, why is Grieco

resorting to Skinemax?

He's got a great career.
He's doing fine.

Actually, it makes sense.
I mean,

erotic films
are very, very in right now.

I mean, Grieco probably didn't
realize he was doing a porn.

I think he thought
he was doing the next

Fifty Shades
of Grey or whatever.

I mean, it's a...
it's a fine line

these days between art and smut.

It really is.
Art's a tricky thing.

The whole art world
is bullshit nowadays.

I mean, like, anything can be
considered art. I'll bet you

Charlie's doodlings could be
considered art by some people.

Well, that's 'cause my drawings
are art.

You're not an artist, dude.
You're drawing with chalk.

No, I'm drawing with marker
and, like, pen and stuff.

I'm just eating the chalk.

Charlie, don't eat chalk.

Well, it settles my stomach.

My stomach's a little...

If your stomach hurts,
eat a Tums.

What's the difference?
One is chalk!

Well, I don't like wasting Tums.

Tums is very good to draw with.

This maniac is an artist?

I'll bet you if I hung one

of Charlie's doodles
in a modern art gallery,

people would not know
the difference.

Mm. No. No, I disagree.

No, art has to come
from a more meaningful place.

It can't just be silly nonsense.

I mean, take my erotic memoirs,

for example.

Now, that was art.
That was smut.

No, dude, what I do is art.
And you know what else?

I think I should film it.
Yeah.

I mean, guys, I'd be a fool not
to ride this erotic tidal wave

our culture seems to be on,
film it,

do the next Fifty Shades
of Grey, my style, you know?

My film would be real,
it would be tasteful,

it would be...
it would be subtle.

It wouldn't be some goddamn
Puerto Rican smut.

I'm down to try this, like,
art gallery idea of yours.

What do you think
Grieco would do?

He wouldn't eat chalk.

Yes, but I just don't understand
why you're choosing

to dress like Richard Grieco.

Well, because he's a cool bro
and I'm a cool bro.

I just want to do a Grieco
thing. I'm vibing with it.

I'm vibing with it, man. Stop saying
that you're vibing and "bro."

You know what, why don't you go
mingle, and Frank and I

will handle this. Thank you.
All right, you do it.

All right, Frank. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Leave him alone.

Look, here's a spot. Here's a spot.
What?

Yeah.
Just keep... keep an eye out.

Okay.

That's good. That's good.
Mmm.

Oh, yeah. Looks perfect.

Oh, wow. I like this one.
Oh.

That's art. That's art. I like that piece.
Yes, that's...

She's going for it.

She loves it.

She loves it.
She's going for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the
hell are you doing? Whoa. Hey, lady. Lady.

You can't throw
art in the trash.

Oh, that wasn't art.
It was garbage.

Wait, wait, wait a second.
Wait a second.

I mean, how-how is that art

and this is trash?
I mean, who's to say, really?

Well, I'm to say.
It's my gallery.

Okay. Then please explain to me

how that is art

and this is garbage.

Well, it's all about context.

The story behind each piece
is part of what endows it

with meaning.
For example, this artist

worked for 30 years

before finally finding
his voice.

He left his home
when he was a boy

to escape the Nazis,
fled to Paris,

and painted the poor children
he saw in the streets.

The
ambiguity he uses to paint children

and animals.

His work provokes.

It raises questions.

Are we children?

Are we animals?

Are children animals?

If it's context

you want... Context. Okay.

Well, the artist that did this,
his life is, like, total shit.

I mean, like, way worse
than this Nazi painter.

Oh. Hey, Charlie?

Yeah, uh... What-what
are you doing, man?

What's up, bro?
Hey, uh,

this is Charlie. He's the,
uh... he's the artist.

C-Could you tell the lady
how your... Don't do that.

Okay, can you just explain to
her how your life is garbage

so that she... It's not sw...
Oh, my life's pretty sweet, bro.

Hang out at a bar all day
with my bros.

You know? Go on lots of
adventures. I'm really kind of

a sweet businessman
when I think about it.

He's an illiterate janitor whose
mother tried to abort him in...

Frank, Frank, tell her, please.
Huh?

What is it?

What-what is it?

It's-it's what we discussed. It's
what we've been discussing. Oh.

Tell her that Charlie's life
is a piece of shit. Please.

Thank you. I've got one of
those hella sweet lives...

Stop saying "hella"!
He doesn't...

he doesn't normally
say "hella."

I don't know where
he picked this up.

I'm sorry. I'm just not interested.
Okay,

well, wait, wait, we just need to take
one... I'm not interested, either.

I go for more
of the Pam Anderson type,

you know what I mean?
Oh, my God. Okay, look...

I'm not interested. Goddamn it.
Why did I even bring you two?

"A man enters.

"The room wouldn't be the
only thing he'd enter that day.

His name was Dennis."

I'm-I'm sorry--
what is happening?

"Silence."
Okay.

"He said. 'A woman's mouth

"'is not for the exiting
of words

"but for the entrance
of a man's... dick.'

"And then he did
put it in there.

In her mouth, I mean."

Okay.

And then they-they have sex
all over the library.

Okay, I, uh,

I-I'm sorry, I don't know
what's happening here.

You must think
I'm somebody else.

Look, look. Sure, I could
leave here right now,

I could take this to Frank
and he would finance it.

But he's gross, you know?

He's basically, like,
the Cinemax of humans.

Okay, I think I'm catching up
here. So you want to make a film

based on the pornographic book
you're reading from.

Look... this is my
Fifty Shades of Grey, lady.

All right? Was the guy
who wrote that gross?

It was written by a woman.

Na... You... no, I know.

That it was written by a woman.

Everybody knows that.

Yeah, but that's why you needed
to let me get to the...

This was also written
by a woman. Yeah.

Writ-Written and to be
directed by...

my sister.

What do you think?

Hey, Dee.

Dee, you're not doing
anything that matters, right?

You know, I think I'm
finally figuring out

this editing software, and I
have to say I put together

a pretty prime-time
acting reel here.

I doubt it.
Don't show it to me. I don't...

Pretty early for a whiskey.

A little hair of the dog
that bit you?

Using a multi-tiered distribu...

Multi-level marketi...

The Invigaron system.

Brains.

It i...

it's missing something,
isn't it?

Nah, it's great.

Uh, Dee, you know what I think

the real problem, though,

with the acting business is?
Uh-huh?

Every actor these days
is a multi-hyphenate.

They're doing everything--
they're writing,

they're directing, you know.

Mm.
So here's a thought I just had.

How would you like to, um,

direct my erotic memoirs?

I've always wanted to direct.

And you want me to do it?

Yeah, yeah.
Smart.

Smart. You bring
a female perspective in.

Mm-hmm. It's a very interesting layer.
I like that.

Yeah, it's-it's a good layer.
That's really smart of you.

Yeah, I'll do that.
I'll do that for you.

Okay, so, um... great.

So you'll do that, and, um...
Yeah, yeah.

now we just need a star that we
can attach on-on short notice.

Don't worry, I got... I got
an idea. I got a lot of ideas.

All right, what about
this one? You know,

I had a dream about, um,
you know, boiled eggs.

So, I, uh... Okay. What do
the...what do the eggs represent?

Eggs, you know? Like,
uh... from a chicken.

Just eggs? No.
Charlie, you're not getting it.

I need you to draw something
that's profound, you know?

That comes from someplace deep.

But is also childlike
and stupid, to prove my point.

Hey, bro, uh, maybe stop telling
me what to do all the time,

you know? 'Cause if you tell
me what to do, then, like,

you know, that's, like,
I got, like, a lame,

kind of square dude telling me

what to do, you
know? And that's

not really where art comes from.
Okay, you...

And so I'm gonna draw eggs
that represent eggs, bro.

And it's gonna... it's
gonna be hella cool, man.

You're gonna like these eggs.

Can I ask you a question?
Do you... do you

want to sell this art or not?

Bro, is this about
making money for you

or is it about
proving your point?

Like, I don't even
know what it is, man.

It's becoming about both
for me. I don't know

what it's becoming for you.

Come on, man.

I'm ripping this up.

I'm ripping this up.
That's it.

Bro, stop ripping up
my art, man!

Get in there!
Hey.

You stink!
Ugh.

I found him turning tricks
in the scrap metal yard.

Good news, Charlie. We're
gonna use Cricket now.

Oh. Use me how?
Use what part of me?

Relax. You are gonna be
the face of Charlie's art.

What? Why, man?

Because he's got, like,
the worst life imaginable,

and that's clearly
what those people want.

That's true, I do have the worst life.

You know what, Cricks, why
don't you come over here,

why don't you tell Charlie
what to draw.

Okay. Tell me wh... I don't
want to draw his drawings.

No, Charlie,
this is gonna work, all right?

Just jump on board,
jump on board. Okay, go ahead.

All right, bro... bro.

Oh, all right, fine.

Talk to me, brother.

What's up?

What is he doing?

He's doing, like,
a Grieco thing.

Okay. Uh, all right.

Well, what do you
want to hear about?

You want to hear
about a... dog orgy

or when a cat bit off my toe?

Dog orgy, brother.

Dog orgy. Okay.

This is going great.

Okay, now, Frank, I need you

to go talk to that gallery
owner. Convince her to come

to Paddy's for an art opening
that we're gonna have here.

Oh. You know? Flash
a little cash.

Pretend you're, like,
a high-society art type.

Oh, I got this. I-I used to hang
with an art crowd in the '70s.

I know these people.

O-Okay. All right. But-but...
play it subtle, all right?

Subtle. Yeah.

Frank. Play it subtle.
I got it.

Subtle.

Hello!
Hello?

Ango Gablogian,
the art collector.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Yes.
I'm gonna invite you to a show.

Okay.
But first...

allow me to destroy
your gallery.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

Derivative.

That... I love.

I absolutely love.

Um, that's just
the air conditioner.

I want it.

It's everything.

I mean, look at us.

We're just air conditioners.
I mean, after all,

we're just walking around
on the planet, breathing,

conditioning the air.

I condition it hot,

that conditions it cold.

I mean, it's symbiotic, no?

No, it is. I mean, we're
just the air conditioners

walking around on this planet,

screwing each
other's brains out.

So true. I never
thought of it like that.

Oh... hello, you.

This room won't be
the only thing

that I'll be entering today.

- Hey, teach.
- Cut!

A woman's mouth is not
for exiting of words,

but for the entrance
of a man's penis.

- Cut!
- Grieco, Grieco, Grieco, come on, man.

Shoot her tits. I need some...
I need a couple... Just...

Get mostly tits on this
one. Lots of emotion.

And I want to feel
a little bit of, uh,

of sadness coming from
your tits. And, action.

- A woman's mouth...
- Cut!

"Not for the exiting of words,
it's for the entrance..."

- Dee, can you just let him...
- Is there really...

is there really a frigging
difference between "exiting"

and "entering"? Hey! Excuse me, every...
You know what?

Is there a difference between
"exiting" and "entering"?

I know there is, but is there...
but words exit.

Okay, okay, you know what?
I-I need a seaweed break.

Grieco, you've had 15
packages of seaweed today.

Guys, Richard needs
a seaweed five.

Another...?
Oh, goddamn it!

Can we just get
the scene, please?

Just like it was in high school?

You know, about that.

What exactly happened
in high school?

'Cause it sounds like
you had sex with a teacher.

Uh, well no, she wasn't a teacher,
she was a hot young librarian.

Are you talking about Miss Clinsky?
Yeah.

She was like 50.
Yeah, she looked good for her age.

She looked like Rick Moranis.

Moranis was always in
pretty good shape, yeah.

Plus, when she took
her hair out of the bun,

she went from Moranis to Alanis.

Gross. You were 14.

So, technically, you were raped.

It wasn't rape. Can't rape a guy.
Huh?

You can't rape...
I was... I was willing.

You know, you can't
rape... I mean, it's cool.

Like, I bedded an older
woman. That's cool.

Right, Grieco?
You know what?

Let me use your pain in the scene.
What are you talking about?

You can't use somebody
else's pain, Grieco.

Do you know how acting works?

Look...

Touch my finger...

- and transfer your pain into me.
Mm-hmm, it's a good idea.

Touch... touch my finger. I'm
not touching your finger, man.

I'm not touching your finger!
Dennis.

Seriously, touch my finger. What
the hell is...? You know what?

Why don't you just shoot
me doing the goddamn scene?

I'll seduce the librarian.

You know what? That seaweed's
making me a little sick.

Uh, can I get a chalk break,
or something like that? Uh-oh.

I call this one
"Dog Three-Way."

'Cause I was recently
in a dog three-way.

Actually, four with
me, so, four-way.

I was in a dog orgy.

God, he's making a mockery
of my art, bro.

- Oh.
- Well,

the shoot was a total disaster.

Dee's incompetent
and a bitch, which we all knew.

But, I mean, Richard Grieco.

The man is obsessed
with seaweed. It's...

Pump your brakes.
You met Grieco?

Yeah, I met Grieco.
Yeah, he-he was in my movie,

but, uh, it didn't go very well.

What-what are you doing?
Are you doing a Grieco thing?

Yeah, I'm doing a Grieco thing,
'cause-'cause Grieco's the man.

You know, is he the man?
No, not really.

Ah, he used to be big.
No. Yeah, no.

Hello, boys.

Is that how you play it?
That is way over the top.

What are you talking about? This
is it. This is the way they are.

Frank, did you buy an air conditioner?
Yes, and I bought a painting for 35 K.

Why? Because I liked it,
and that's what it cost.

Is nobody understanding what we're
trying to do?

I am trying to prove
that this is all bullshit,

and you guys are all
buying into it.

Oh. Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, hi.

Hi.
Here's the darling.

Oh.
That sold me...

not a painting.

Mm.
A revelation.

Oh. Hi, Ango.
Oh, oh.

Mm. Oh.
Oh, great.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Ango.

Yes. Thank you very much.

And thank you for coming.
Oh. Oh, my pleasure.

Yes, we have... we
have many paintings by

our featured artist,
Rickety Cricket. Ah...

Okay, well, Ango
clearly has a great eye.

I do have a great eye.

So I'm excited
to see what you have.

Yes, yes. Well, here
we have a Cricket.

Oh.

Yes, yes, and, uh, here
we have another Cricket.

Uh-huh.
And, uh...

Oh, here we have
the artist himself.

This is Rickety Cricket.
Hey-o.

Wow. Yeah, he literally has
the worst life imaginable.

He ain't lying.

So now you got some perspective

and some context.
Uh-huh.

And like a story or whatever
it is that you people need,

so...
Uh-huh.

We don't have
to talk numbers right now,

- but I feel like it should be...
- Hey, guys.

I figured this art opening
would be the perfect place

to premiere
my directorial debut.

No, Dee, absolutely not.

- That's a hard "no."
Yeah.

Oh, come on. There were...

No, Dee.
This is ridiculous.

_

_

_

_

_

Hey, hoser, remember when
I raped you in the library?

Hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser,
hoser, hoser, hoser...

Okay, thank you. Thank you very
much. I'm sorry. That was, uh...

That's not part
of the, uh, whole thing.

It's very disturbing.
It's very avant-garde.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
What do you think it's all worth?

Good question.
Ango, what do you think?

Millions.

I'd trade my limbs for it.

Well, the market is dictated
by what people will pay, so...

Well, right, but how much
are you willing to pay for it?

Me?
Yeah.

Oh, no, no.

I'm really not interested
in buying anything.

But you own an art gallery.

Oh, no. Oh.

I rent an art gallery,

or more accurately,
my parents rent one for me.

What?!

So that painting I bought
from you was worthless?

Of course not.

It meant something to you.

It's worth
exactly what you paid.

I want to sell it back. Okay.

In that exchange,
it would only be worth

what I would pay for it,
which is, again, um, nothing.

I-I don't get it.

When is stuff art?

Uh, hey, guys,
guys, um, if I may,

I think I can sum this all up.

You see, art

is an ambiguous thing, yeah?

Yeah, just because you make
some art, it doesn't mean

that you're an artist.

But, also, it does mean
you're an artist.

But does it mean that that art

is good art?

Is art good just because
the right people say it's good?

Yes. Yes.

That's-that's how it works.

Yeah, but keep in mind,
you know,

a lot of modern art is...
is trash.

I mean, it's shitty.
It's not...

You know, it's not good.
It's terrible.

You know? And yet,
it's a fine line

between van Gogh and Van Damme,

you know,
between Depp and Grieco,

between Banksy and Charlie,

that makes it very difficult to
determine what's good art.

You know, what's high art?

What has worth?
What has meaning?

Yeah?

But if one thing

has become abundantly clear
to me today--

and it should be to all of you,
as well--

is that I wasn't raped.

Hmm?

We had a good time, she and I.

Yeah? It was a...
it was a two-way road.

The whole thing was... mutual.

And the woman in no way
looked like Rick Moranis.

You know?

She totally did. I remember her.
Remember her? Yeah.

Um...Oh, no.
I wouldn't even sleep with her.