It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 3 - Psycho Pete Returns - full transcript

Wait, so you just
painted your butt blue

and nobody noticed
the hole in your pants?

- Yeah, it worked, it worked.
- It's a good trick.

As long as it works,
as long as it works.

Oh... what's this?

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Psycho killer,
qu'est-ce que c'est ♪

♪ Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa,
fa fa, fa, far better... ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run,
run, run, run away... ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

That's a way
to start a day.

And we got news!
We got news, too!

Ooh...! Great song
and great news?!

Yeah, and it's all tied in with
the song, so it makes sense.

What's the news?

Psycho Pete...!

- Psycho Pete's back in town.
- Wait, what?

- Whoa. - We're gonna get our
psycho back, bitches.

Wait a minute, wait, wait.

The guy you went to high school with,
who killed and ate his family?

- Yeah... Yeah,
- Yeah, yeah... yeah.

but don't get all
hung up on that, man;

He's good-- he's out of
the loony bin, all right?

So, eh... we're getting the freight
train back together, right?

- Freight train...!
- Freight train...!

♪ ♪

This is not good.

There's no way we can have a
maniac hanging out in our bar.

He's fine, though. Okay, look,
they unscrambled his brain

- and he's, like, good now. - Yeah, they
sorted him out, they sorted him out.

- They...
- No.

- you cannot sort out a man who kills
and eats other human beings. - Mm-mm.

The hospital said he's
fine, so he's fine.

- The man did the time.
- Yeah... - No, no, no, no.

I lived with these maniacs
in the loony bin.

There is no curing
those psycho bastards.

It's actually really sad...

but once your brain's a piece of
shit, it's always a piece of shit.

There is no way we're having that
psychotic mutant anywhere near our bar.

- That's all there is to it.
- Excuse me.

Hey, I'm talking to my
friends here, so...

Charlie, seriously, keep that
psycho killer away from us, man!

- Hey, Charlie.
- It's me... it's Peter.

All right, well, I don't
know any Peters,

so I don't know how
you know my name,

but if you want a beer,
just go have a beer, freak.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
Peter...

- Pete, is that you?!
- Wait, Psycho Pete?!

- Well... - Oh... sh...!
- Oh... dude, you look gnarly!

I did not recognize
you, man.

Psycho Pete! What
happened to your hair?

You used to have
all that hair.

What'd you do, did you, like,
yank it out in a fit of rage?

- That's pretty psycho...
- No... no, it's just genetics.

Aw, genetics, so psycho...!

What are they
feeding you, bro?

I mean, you look huge; Look
at that mass, it's great!

Yeah... struggling with my
weight for a while now, yeah;

M-meds don't help.

- Oh, oh, yeah, uh...
- A psycho struggle!

Hey, we got something cued
up for you here, man, oh!

- Oh, yeah, yeah, we
brought something. - Oh!

♪ Come on, ride the train,
and ride it, woo-woo ♪

Come on, come on, come on, be
the caboose, be the caboose.

Actually, you know, j-just turn
the music down, j-just a bit.

- I got it, I got it.
- Huh?

Oh, yeah, sorry, we were gonna do
the freight train song for you.

So, what-what do you want to do, you
want to, you want to get nuts,

- you want to get into some shit?
- Oh, oh, oh, yeah!

Remember, like, you used to go
right up to babies in carriages

- and just scream in their faces,
you know, they'd cry...? - Uh...

- dude, that was psycho...
- I-I don't feel good about that stuff.

I actually regret a lot of
the stuff we used to do.

Do you?

So, um... hey, do, do
you think I could,

like, grab a glass of
water or something?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Uh, Charlie, can I talk to you
for a sec...? - Yeah, yeah.

- This guy sucks now.
- Oh, my God.

- Like, I don't like him at all.
- No, no, he's, like, not psycho at all.

- No, it's like Mild Mannered Pete.
- More like Boring Pete.

I thought something
like this might happen.

- Did you?
- I got a plan.

Yeah, 'cause they mess with their
brains up there, don't they?

- Hey, uh... Pete?
- Yeah.

We're gonna go.

Okay.

- That's a good plan.
- Yeah.

Sorry about the stuff I was saying
about, uh... the mentally insane...

- Did that anger you?
- ...earlier.

I didn't mean to call...
psychotic people "mutants."

It's cool.

- You know, oh... you know,
we had the, uh... - Oh...

oh, geez,
and that's right now.

- Shoot, I wish I could stay.
- Yeah, I'm out, too.

- Adios.
- Okay.

- Water.
- See you, man. Good luck.

Hey.

Charlie, you know, the main
problem with people going

to these state-run loony bins is
the separation between church and state.

Explain.

Well, you spend most of your time talking
to a therapist, instead of a priest.

You know, a priest is gonna
let you off the hook

for all the things
that you've done.

- You heard Pete, he feels guilty.
- Yeah.

He needs to be absolved, so
that he can go psycho again.

- Okay!
- Yeah.

I gue... I guess
I see that.

Look, dude, I feel guilty all
the time for my thoughts and urges,

you know, but I'm not gonna
talk to a therapist,

who's gonna make me, you know, deal
with it and confront those issues.

I talk to a priest, he lets
me off the hook, I move on.

Here's our guy.

Oh... hey...!

- Cricket...!
- Aw, man...

What do you guys want, huh?

Can we ever get a warm
reception from you?

Yeah, it's never a nice "hello."
What's the cloak thing, too?

What are you doing here, like, a Phantom
of the Opera thing... or what's the story?

I don't like it, take it
off, we want to talk to you.

Pop it off, we're trying
to have a conversation.

- Holy shit, holy shit!
- Oh, shit,

- what happened? Put it on, put it on.
- Put it back on! Put it back on!

What the hell happened
to your face?!

- You want to know what happened?
- Yeah.

This happened to me when I was locked in
your burning apartment at Thanksgiving.

- No, you weren't there for that...
- I don't think you were there, man.

I was there, Mac, and my
whole face burned off.

I remember I was there.

Why would we want you
at Thanksgiving dinner?

Especially looking
like that,

you would've freaked everyone
out with the whole...

This happened
at your apartment!

- I can't follow a thing this guy's saying...
- Okay, guys, can we just focus?

- How do you not follow?
- Cricket, we need something from you.

- Yeah, we need something.
- Hey, we brought you beer.

- We brought you beer.
- Beer?

Yeah, okay, fine, I'll help you;
Just give me the beers.

- Oh...
- Whoa-whoa!

There's five more there.
What about the others?

They're not all
for you, greedy.

You think that I'm gonna give
you all the beer in the world?!

Uh, what do you guys
want, what do you want?

Okay, we need you to hear
our friend's confession

and then absolve
him of his sins.

- And? - That's the whole thing,
that's, that's what priests do, right?

- Yeah, that's it.
- That's it?

I don't need to suck him or
anything or... let him inside me?

Why would I want you to...?

- No, no, what? Dude, that's it.
- No. Just hear the confession.

All right, yeah, but if
he wants up inside me,

it will cost you a whole sixer,
I mean, that... I got my dignity.

- Well... let's go, bud.
- Yeah.

Let me get one of those
other beers, too.

Well, you got to earn it,
you have to earn it.

So, we'll talk to the hospital
administrators,

we'll let 'em know that
they've made a mistake.

Mistake?! No, I can't imagine they let him
go, I'm sure he must've escaped, right?

I don't like loony bins.

This is giving me a
really bad feeling.

- Yeah. - It's understandable, Frank, but
these places, they're a necessary evil.

I'm telling you, you got
to trust the system;

Let's just get Pete
back into the system.

That's right, there's a system
in place for everything, okay?

We don't have to panic.
Everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah.

Is it locked?

- Let's go.
- Hello?!

Hang on.
What is going on here?

Looks like this place has
been shut down for months.

Oh, my God, Dennis,
listen to this:

"Reed Mental Institution was shut
down because of statewide cutbacks."

Oh, so they just cut
all the loonies loose?

What? How could they do that?
That's-that's insane!

I guess it was either
that or raise our taxes.

What?! Raise my taxes? Come on.
How much do these vultures need?

I already pay
a ton in taxes.

Well, then I guess they're gonna have
to shut down more of these places.

What?!

Shut down more of these... We gotta
have somewhere to send our lunatics!

Well, then, we're going to
have to pay more in taxes.

What?! I'm not paying
more in taxes, Dee.

I won't do it. Don't
speak of it again!

This is strange.

I swear, this is
all too familiar.

Whoa.

♪ Rockabye Froggy
On the treetop... ♪

It's okay, Froggy.
I'll keep you moist.

Oh. Oh...

This is it!

This is it!

What? What are you
babbling about?

Th-This is the nitwit school I was
shanghaied to when I was a kid.

That one that you had
your mommy tell them

to tell you that you
didn't have donkey brains.

I knew I didn't
have donkey brains.

But everybody else did.

Especially my roommate,
the frog kid.

Oh, you had a frog kid roommate?
Sure.

Froggy and I used to
take care of each other.

He was a good kid.
We watched each other's back.

One time, we escaped
and they chased us down

with those big nets
they use to catch dogs.

Did you grow up
in a cartoon?

I can't believe they
set them loose!

Froggy can't be in
the world out there!

Froggy never did
anything wrong.

I gotta find Froggy!

Froggy! Froggy!

He's unzipped.

Yeah, all right, look...
What are we gonna do, Dee?

We can't have Pete wandering the streets.
I don't want him near me.

We gotta get him
sent somewhere.

Or... ooh, what about that nut,
uh, nuthouse in-in Westchester?

Ah, it says that one's
been shut down, too.

Oh, come on! I pay so much
money in taxes already.

Where's that going?

Well, they used that money to open up
the Eagles' new practice facility.

That makes sense.
That's kind of a no-brainer.

- I mean, you can't have our guys
out there twisting ankles. - Yeah.

A man of Shady McCoy's abilities,
he needs a proper landing strip.

Gotta get our maniacs in green
set up in a nice facility.

- Sophie's choice, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oof. Go, Birds.
- Go, Birds.

Go, Birds.

♪ ♪

Is there something weighing
on your mind, my son?

W-What?

Wh-Who is that?

It's time to confess
your sins.

Unburden yourself
and be absolved.

- Is that a glory hole?
- Yes. It is, my son.

But it'll cost you a whole sixer if you
want to unburden yourself in that way.

Uh... that being said, I'm...
open to it.

Cricket, stay on
topic here, man.

Just absolve the
man and let's go.

But I don't even know what
I'm absolving him of.

All right? He has
to confess something first.

- What's... what's going on in here?
- All right, you know what?

Maybe we'll just do the confession for
him and God'll get what we're going for.

- Cricket, we're gonna confess.
- Okay, fine.

All right, um... he used to,
um, scream in baby's faces.

- Well, that's just funny. That was just
plain funny. - I know, I know, I know.

- They'd be all freaked out...
- Okay, no, you know what he used to do?

- He used to gather, like,
cats and dogs... - Oh, yeah.

...and then put them into like a little
room and, like, have 'em battle it out.

That's just cats' and dogs'
nature, to fight,

so I don't see
a problem with that.

- Oh, also, he murdered
and ate his family. - Right.

What?

See, there was like a Christmas
dinner thing with, like,

the eating of his family
and a burning of the house down.

Is this Psycho Pete?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

Jesus Christ!

That guy's a goddamn maniac!
I'm not absolving him!

- He should be in jail!
- Hey, guys?

Pete, is that you?

- Hey, man.
- I'm gonna get out of here, okay?

Oh...

I'm gonna use... use
the women's restroom.

Oh, sure! Yeah, a lot
of people in here.

- Kind of a full house.
- Yeah.

You can... Yeah, the women's room,
I'm sure, is...

- Goddamn it, Cricket.
- You blew it. - Uh, is it safe?

We're safe to be here?

Relax, Cricket, it's safe. The
guy's all docile and shit now.

He's on these
meds, he's...

No, look, he-he might
look calm on the outside,

but there's a storm brewing
on the inside, okay?

And I think I know
what the problem is.

He's psycho.

He's straight-up
possessed by the devil.

- Okay, you lost me.
- Okay, think about it.

He used to be fun crazy.
You know?

And the devil was like, "I like this dude!
I'm gonna get involved!"

He jumps in there,
makes him evil crazy,

- then the meds get thrown on top.
They shut everybody down. - Yeah.

Okay... All right, so where you...
where you going with that?

We gotta get him off the
meds and get the devil out.

You want to do
an exorcism?

- Of course I want to do an exorcism.
That's what the... - I was hoping...

why didn't you just come right out here
and be like, "Let's do an exorcism"?

I-I can't lead
with the exorcism.

All right, so we'll get the
demon and we'll get the goblin

out and then we'll have
our fun Pete back.

Oh, yeah, I want to get the demon
out but, uh, not-not a goblin.

Oh, we should get
'em all out.

Get the demon, the goblin,
the ghoul and then you got Pete.

Well, no, no, no, no.

There's no goblins, there's no
ghouls, it's just demons, okay?

Well, they're all
made up, so...

- That's why he burned your face, you son
of a bitch! - Yeah, yeah, that's true, man!

- Okay, look, I'm getting hot. I'm getting
too hot. - Yeah, we're getting hot.

Let's just go get
the exorcism going.

All right, yeah, and let's get you,
like, a hat or a hood or...

All right, now, listen. Let
me talk to this doctor, okay?

I'll explain to him that we
have a-a dangerous psychopath

in our bar and he could
snap at any minute.

And because there are no
facilities to lock him in,

we need to get him his
medication as soon as possible,

in order to avoid
a massacre.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
Just let me handle this, okay?

I'll act crazy and then
he'll prescribe them to me.

You will sit here and
you will be quiet.

Your bad acting will only confuse
him and it will infuriate me.

I'm gonna ask him
about the frog kid.

- Don't do that. - Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.

- Don't do that.
- No, Froggy and I need each other.

He's out there all alone.

- You...
- I'm gonna find Froggy.

You are never gonna be able to
find a goddamn frog person, okay?

- I'm gonna find him.
- Guys, please. Just let let me handle it.

- I got it. I got it.
- Hello, thank you for waiting.

I'm Dr. Coleman.

- How can I help you today?
- Yes.

Do you have some sort of
donkey brain database?

- No. - I'm looking for
a kid, the frog kid.

Just search for any half-man,
half-amphibious creature.

Yeah, okay, no.

That's not why we're
here, Doctor.

Doctor...

I've always relied upon the
kindness of strangers.

What is... what are you do... What
is that, A Streetcar Named Desire?

I'm in desperate need of
medical intervention.

You see, years ago I tried
to burn my college roommate

down to the box springs
whilst she was sleeping.

And now...

I have a hankering
to do it again.

Dr. Zimmerman!

- Excuse me?
- Dr. Albert Zimmerman.

The old bastard who
ran the nitwit farm.

He'll know where
Froggy is.

- I'll find him...
- Yeah.

...I'll find the frog kid.

- Yeah, go find him.
- I'm gonna find him.

Uh, I'm not sure I understand
what's happening.

- I'm schizophrenic.
- Dee?

Hmm?

I swear you would be
of more use to me

if I skinned you and turned
your skin into a lampshade.

Or fashioned you into a
piece of high-end luggage.

I can even add you
to my collection!

Are you saying that you have a
collection of skin luggage?

Of course I'm not, Dee. Don't be
ridiculous. Think of the smell.

You haven't thought of
the smell, you bitch!

Now, you say another
word and I swear to God

I will dice you into
a million little pieces.

And put those
pieces in a box.

A glass box...

that I will display
on my mantel.

All right.

Now that that's settled, we can
have a normal conversation.

Now, Doctor, I'm here to
talk to you about a man.

A very dangerous and
very unstable man.

Dr. Zimmerman?

Yeah?

It's me.

- Don't you recognize me?
- Yes, yes.

Of course I recognize you.

Good, 'cause
I got questions.

What did you do with him?

- Where is he?
- Where is who?

The frog kid.

Froggy!

Aw, God, Doc!
I got to find him!

But I don't understand...

I got to know where he is,
Doc, because I got to help him!

I-I owe him that much!

- But, Franklin...
- Yes?

...you are Froggy.

Huh?

I pledge allegiance to the flag of
the United States of America...

It was you, Frank!

You are the frog kid!

You were an outcast as a child, so
you created an imaginary friend.

It's okay, Froggy.
I'll keep you moist.

But the lines of reality
became blurred.

Soon you didn't know where
Frank began and Froggy ended.

Oh, yeah. I see that.

I remember that now.

What are you doing?

You're having an episode
again, Frank, aren't you?

We got to catch the
little froggy.

Put that down.
Get out of here!

- Here we go, come on...
- I'm not sick anymore!

I'm not a frog!

- I know I'm not a frog!
- Catch the froggy!

We have to catch
the froggy.

Let's go through the, through
the, through the, the checklist.

Um, crucifix.

- I got it. Yeah.
- Got that.

- Holy water-- we got that.
- Yeah, we got all the stuff.

We got the straps.
We got everything, man.

- Okay.
- So, what's the plan?

We're just gonna, like, bum-rush
this guy from behind or what?

Whoa, whoa, guys, come on.

No one is taking me
from behind, all right?

Unless you have crack.

If you have crack, let's boogie.

No one is going
into your asshole.

I wouldn't let them
without the crack.

- Can we just...?
- Um, yeah.

Let's go through the
basic beats, all right?

- Uh, talk a bunch of Latin.
- Yeah, that's me. I'll fake it.

Wait, what do you
mean you'll fake it?

You don't, you don't know
your Latin anymore...?

No, no. Don't worry about it.
I can sell anything, you know?

You know how many times
I fake on the streets?

You know? You have to fake.

The guys that don't fake, they're
the ones that get it the worst.

Cricket, just like anything we can
do to have you not talk about, like,

sucking penises or getting
raped in the butt...

It just keeps popping up.

Oh! Oh!

Hey, I got it. Problem solved.

- I got Pete's drugs.
- Oh, we got drugs?

All right, crank
me up, baby!

We going up? Down?
How we doing this, huh?

- What the hell is Crick...? Cricket!
- Uh-oh!

- Jesus Christ!
- Oh, the face? Yeah, sorry.

That is gross, man!
What the hell?!

- He had some sort of, like,
Thanksgiving incident. - God's wrath.

- He went to some, like, party...
- Yeah, at your house!

- Everyone was there! How do you not
remember this? - I don't have a house!

No, you were not at our place
'cause we would not have invited

- you to our Thanksgiving thing.
- That's awful.

- Never mind. Doesn't matter.
- How the hell did you get drugs for Pete?

Well, I had a simple conversation
with a reasonable man

and that man wrote
me a prescription.

Mm, yeah. He got the drugs by being
a real-life actual psychopath.

She keeps... Uh, no...
ridiculous, okay?

- No, the man asked me a few questions.
- Mm-hmm.

- I answered those questions
as honestly as I could. - Right.

Next thing I know I'm walking
out the door with meds

- for borderline personality disorder.
- Yup.

You see? That's how you
get shit done, Dee.

No, no. That's how
you get diagnosed.

- Where is he? Where's Pete?
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
- I'm gonna put him out of his misery!

No, no! Frank, Frank! We're
gonna help this guy, all right?

But there's no helping him,
Dennis-- don't you understand?

I know. I'm the frog
kid, right?

It was all in my mind,
but I got cured.

But I could have
another episode.

So if I had another
episode, what do I do?

I eat a couple of flies.

If he has another
episode, he kills us.

- He's a murderer!
- Uh... Dude, dude!

No, I'm not.

Huh?

I'm-I'm not a murderer.

That's just what a
murderer would say.

No, no, no, really.
All that stuff with my family?

It's just, it's just a rumor
people started about me.

You know, kind of like all the rumors
you guys started about me?

What rumors?
What are you talking about?

You know, that I'm
crazy and stuff.

Well, yeah, uh, crazy
awesome, you know...

Like crazy bad-ass!

Yeah, except-except
none of it was true,

and then the more people spread it around,
the more afraid people were of me.

Well, wait a second. Then why did you
get sent to a mental institution?

Social anxiety disorder
mixed with depression.

I was really more of
a danger to myself.

I was always talking about
committing suicide.

That's why I wanted to reconnect
with you guys 'cause,

you know, a lot of people they can't
deal with that kind of stuff,

but you always liked me, so I figured
you guys could help me cope with it.

- That we would help...?
- Yeah!

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, we could help
you cope with it.

- Um... Or...
- Hmm?

♪ Come on, ride the train ♪

♪ And ride it ♪

♪ Come on, ride the train ♪

♪ And ride it ♪

♪ Come on, ride the train... ♪

Okay, Pete!

This thing's going all the way
to Los Angeles, buddy, all right?

City of Angels!

Yeah, a place where
no one is depressed.

Yeah, you can surf
the sadness away!

This is exactly what
you need, Pete.

I just want to thank you guys
so much for trying to help me.

- I suppose it could be good to get
a fresh start. - Uh, yeah, all that.

Hey, listen. Save the
chit-chat for the hobos.

You got a long trip.

Bon voyage! All right.

Well, that takes care of
that-- problem solved.

All right, well, uh, you guys want
to go pop by the new Eagles facility?

- Ooh. - Heard they're
having an open practice.

Yeah!

Let's go, Eagles!

Let's go, Birds!

- Ride that train! Go, Birds!
- Go, Birds!

♪ Come on, it's the
choo-choo train... ♪

Oh, well, George, good luck.

Enjoy Philadelphia,
City of Brotherly Love.

- Yeah. - They're gonna take
great care of you here.

- Yeah, rain, rain, buzzing...
- All right, get on out of here.

- Take care, pal. Okay.
- Bye.

Well, that takes care of that. Problem
solved. Let's get out of here.