It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 1 - The Gang Beats Boggs - full transcript

Oh, yeah.

These are going down
real smooth now.

Dee, slow down. You're on
pace to drink 130 beers.

Don't ruin this
for me, Deandra.

This could be the last chance I got
to do something great in my life.

You jerks are just all mad
'cause I'm gonna be the one

to shatter Boss
Hogg's drinking record.

Dee, Boss Hogg was a big, fat
redneck from The Dukes of Hazzard.

Wade Boggs is a Hall
of Fame third baseman.

Yeah, it's Wade Boggs's drinking
record, okay? The man's a legend.

He drank 50 beers on
a cross-country flight

and then absolutely destroyed the Seattle
Mariners the next day, okay?

That's why we're doing this, to honor
his memory, okay? May he rest in peace.

First off, Wade Boggs
is very much alive.

Secondly, the number of beers
is actually highly disputed.

Some say 50, some teammates said
60, some said as many as 70 beers.

Which, to be honest, is an absolutely
insane amount of beer.

Nobody can drink
that much.

Not with an attitude
like that.

Perhaps we're taking this a
little bit too seriously?

Absolutely we're not, okay?
The man is a legend.

That's why we're doing
this, all right?

To honor his memory.
Rest in peace, Wade.

Again, he is still alive.

Always sticking me
with the nerds.

Yes, ma'am?

Uh, actually, I can, uh,
handle this one.

We'll be sharing the in-flight
call system today.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, sorry, let me explain.

We're doing a Wade
Boggs-type thing,

and that makes me sort of
the Commissioner Bud Selig of the group.

Oh, you're
the commissioner now?

Well, somebody's gotta keep the game
fair and everybody invested, okay, Dee?

He didn't win the chugging contest.
Two more beers, please.

Actually, ma'am, we're
about to take off,

- so we're gonna need you
to stow your tray table. - Yay.

- Let me take that and throw it
out for you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but just give me a second.
Okay? Just give me a second?

- There you go.
- Great.

Hold on. Hold on.

Ugh! Ouch!

- It's... really cold.
- Damn, Dee...

Oh, God. You really have
to slow down a little bit.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Yeah, I'll just get
a beer, please.

Hey, Frank.

I'm a little concerned about
this frat boy over here.

There's only so many
beers on the flight.

I'll take care of him.

- For you, sir?
- Excuse me, miss?

- Mm-hmm.
- Um, actually, yeah...

how many beers are we
allowed to order at once?

I'm not sure. No one has
ever asked that before.

Okay, great, so
there's no rule on that.

Uh, why don't you give
me six, then, please?

How about you make
it an even dozen?

How about I start you with two apiece
and then we just take it from there?

Sure, if you want to be lugging beers
back and forth the entire flight.

I guess that's,
uh, up to you.

I'll be taking care of everybody
on the Boggs account.

Oh, and by the way,
do you sell condoms?

- No, I'm afraid we don't.
- Aw...

- Yeah. - I'll have to figure
something else out.

- Got it.
- Thank you so much.

Hey... Frank.

Mmm? What's with
the condom thing?

You think the Boggs record is
the only one I'm going for?

I'm gonna become the first-ever
member of the Air Sex Society.

Okay. What is that?

That means I'm gonna be plowing somebody
in the bathroom before this plane lands.

Right, but do you think
you just made that up?

Because that's already a thing.
It's called the Mile High Club.

People have been doing it since
planes have been around.

That name sucks.

I'll tell you
what, though.

I will make you a bet

that I plow somebody
on this fight,

somewhere other than the bathroom,
before we hit the Great Lakes.

- I'll take that bet.
- Yeah?

Whoa, whoa.

Did I hear you guys talking about a bet?
There's no betting, okay?

That compromises
the integrity of the game.

It's got nothing to do
with the Wade Boggs thing.

It doesn't matter,
okay, guys?

That's a rule, and as commissioner,
you have to obey me.

Right, Commissioner.

Go get me another beer.

Okay, I will, but... not
because you told me to,

- but because I'm commissioner
and that's my job. - Yeah.

You're on.

♪ ♪

Pathetic.

29... beers.

- How can I help you?
- Hmm? Oh.

Hey-oh!

- This is my guy.
- Yeah.

- Hey, I got a couple more for you,
bud, so just grab 'em. - Oh, great.

Actually, while you're here, could
I have a rum and Coke, please?

Uh, oh, uh... hold
on one second.

It's a beer-drinking
contest, Charlie.

No, that's cool, I'm still doing
the Boggs thing, but you know what?

A stiff cocktail would go good
with my chicken, so...

Why are you filling
up with chicken?

Do you know anything
about Wade Boggs?

The man ate a chicken before
every game, all right?

That's why they called
him the Chicken Man.

Man batted .328 lifetime.

I'm sure he ate some rum
and Cokes, too, all right?

You just said "ate rum and Cokes."
You're getting a little buzzed.

- You shouldn't be drinking hard alcohol.
- No, I said one rum and Coke.

Just one, please.
Make it a double, though.

Hey-oh!

♪ Mama needs ♪
♪ another pop, pop ♪

♪ Hey, pop, soda pop, soda pop, ♪
♪ soda pop, soda pop, nah... ♪

What are you doing?

Why are you dancing
around like a jackass?

Wade Boggs would roll in his grave
if he could see your behavior.

- Wade Boggs is alive.
- Huh?

He lives in Tampa, Florida.
He's in his early 50s.

And you... where did you come from?
You were just passed out two minutes ago.

I know it, I was, and then I
popped a couple of these babies.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are those, Dee?

Greenies. Uppers. Vftt! Feel
like I got a rocket up my ass.

These guys find out that you're
taking performance-enhancing drugs,

- the integrity of the game is completely
compromised, all right? - Shit.

As the Bud Selig
of the group,

it's my job to quietly sweep this under
the rug before anybody finds out.

You know, Commissioner,
you just...

- you kind of just lost
the chugging contest... - Go.

Hey!

You know, I actually went
to school at the same college,

your alma mater, in 1966.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, here, have a beer, huh?

- It's like... Yeah, yeah, good, yeah.
- Oh, that's nice of you.

Drink up.

- Frank? Did you just buy frat boy a beer?
- Don't worry about it.

I laced it with
sleeping pills.

He's gonna be out like
a light in two minutes.

That is some diabolical shit, dude.

Ow...!

So what's going on
with the sex moves?

I've been laying chum
up and down this plane.

Yeah, I-I know. I've noticed.
Yeah, I've got my prey picked out.

I'm just waiting for
the right moment to pounce.

What are you talking about? You haven't
moved an inch. You're just drinking.

- Oh, is that what you think?
- Mm-hmm.

Frank, of the 206 passengers on
this flight, 98 of them are women,

but only one of them is a
suitable candidate: 44G.

Notice how she glances forlornly
at the empty seat next to her.

It was meant for
someone special.

And the tan line on her
ring finger suggests

the wound is still fresh,
leaving her vulnerable.

Furthermore, when we hit
turbulence earlier, she giggled,

telling me she's a bit
of a thrill seeker.

You think she offed the guy
and went on the run?

Pretty tough to lay low
in a dress like that.

Granted, it's not a particularly
remarkable garment.

It's from the J.Crew
Spring 2012 collection.

Although, it is a bit
much for an airplane.

Furthermore, if she were standing,
you'd notice she's got no panty line,

giving me about five extra
seconds to enter her

swiftly before she realizes I am
not the answer to her problems.

I'll tell you my tastes lie
a little bit more in 39F.

No.

No, thank you, Frank. No, her blouse
is covered in cigarette burns.

And I imagine underneath that blouse,
you'll find copious amounts of road rash,

probably sustained in some
sort of off-roading accident,

which would also
explain her limp.

Although, something tells
me the two are unrelated.

Either way, she's North Dakota
trash through and through

and far beneath a gentleman
such as myself.

Uh, miss?

Six more beers.

Hey-oh!

- Ah, there we go. Yeah.
- Hey, listen, Charlie?

- Yeah. - I need you to start
a McGwire/Sosa-like rivalry with Dee.

Look, I think you're getting, like,
too worked up about this thing.

Can we just drink the beer
and hang out, you know?

Well, here-here's the thing. The game seems
to be getting a little bit off the rails.

Frank and Dennis are
super distracted

and Dee is kind of just
running away with it.

Boggsy didn't drink six gallons of beer
because he was obsessed with, like,

breaking some record.
You know what I mean?

He did it 'cause he was just,
like, thirsty, you know?

And looking
to pass the time.

Yeah, but I can sell a rivalry, all right?
What I can't sell is... 27 beers.

What-what am I gonna do with 27 beers?
Who-who cares about 27 beers?

We're not selling
anything.

Like, I think you're taking
the commissioner thing way...

Look, you lost
the chugging contest, man.

- It's not a big deal. - Why did you
make me Bud Selig if you didn't...?

Nobody did. You just
started saying that.

Look, I got empties for you.
Just take those and don't, like,

put so much pressure on
yourself over...

Attention, passengers. This is
your captain, Boss Hogg, speaking.

And this cold slice of heaven is
my 40th beer of the afternoon.

So any of you dicknips think you
can slug it down faster than me,

- you're welcome to get your fat asses
up here to try. Uh-uh! - Yeah, no.

- Uh-uh!
- Put your...

- Uh-uh!
- Oh, I'm gonna need that.

- Ah, you... whatever.
- Okay.

The Boggs group
is cut off.

What? Aw, dude.
That's not good.

- I can't stop drinking now.
- Damn it!

- I'll probably die, dude.
- I'm running low, too. Shit.

Okay, luckily
I came prepared.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Charlie, we're not on
a wide-body DC-10 for nothing.

Right. We bought tickets.

Well, yes, but we chose
a wide-body DC-10 on purpose.

- That's what I was...
- To get up in the sky.

Let me walk you
through it.

I got a hundred extra beers
in a checked bag, okay?

Now, according to movies like
Executive Decision and Passenger 57,

there is a secret
hatch on every plane

that allows me to travel freely
throughout the aircraft.

Well, everybody
knows that.

Yeah, so I just got to find my
right time to get down there.

- I think you can probably go, like,
anytime, yeah. - Or just do it...

- just right now, right? Okay, yeah. - This
stewardess is, like, not on the ball.

- Oh!
- Hey-oh!

- Geez.
- Why isn't the door locked, Frank?

I'm posting up.

Half the battle is getting them
to follow you to the bathroom.

This way, I'm sitting here.

It's like lambs
to the slaughter.

Aah! What's happening
to me?!

Some-Something is wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen, if there's a doctor
on board, please press your call button.

Dude, how many sleeping pills
did you give that kid?

- I don't know-- seven? 12?
- 12?!

Yeah! What? You told me
to take care of him.

I didn't tell you
to kill him.

Well, you better
go do something;

Otherwise they're gonna have
to make an emergency landing

- and this whole thing's gonna be screwed!
- Ah, shit!

Uh, what seems to be
the problem here?

Are you a doctor?

Mantis Toboggan, MD.

You want this young man to live, you're
gonna have to give me some aspirin,

a roll of duct tape, a bag of
peanuts and four beers.

♪ ♪

Jackpot.

This way. Shh.

Nice.

Alright. There you go.

- Speed it up a little
bit, honey? - Okay.

- Ooh. Wow!
- Yeah!

Oh, you really know
your way around.

Well, if I've learned
anything from films like

Executive Decision
or Passenger 57,

there's always a way
into the cargo hold.

You're weird.

- You have no idea.
- Oh...

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Nothing with my lips, all right?

- Okay.
- I won't do that with you.

- Mind if I take a pill?
- Yeah, sure, take a pill.

All right, well,
that's happening.

Now, just do that.

That's a boy!

Is it really necessary
to restrain him like this?

You can never be too careful
with altitude sickness.

One time, this broad chewed
through the fuselage of a 747!

Luckily, I'm a pilot, too.

I inverted the bird and landed
her safely in an open field.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm gonna need
to see some identification.

You don't think
I'm a pilot?

I don't think
you're a doctor.

That is a serious
accusation!

You've had 14 beers.

You don't know that.

It's written on your shirt.

How would you like to go
to the bathroom with me?

- I got to go.
- You and me?

Well, Frank, I have singlehandedly pushed
the limits of high-altitude eroticism.

- You banged her?
- Yeah.

What happened
to the classy broad?

Oh, happily married. Yeah.

Turns out she takes her ring off when she
flies because her fingers swell. Yeah.

But it-it's all good, Frank.
You know, hey, turns out Boggs,

he didn't hit it out of the park
every single time at bat.

- Mm-hmm.
- He just tried to get the ball in play

and hope that he could
squeak it through the hole.

And I just, uh, squeaked
it through multiple holes

if you know what I'm saying.
Don't you!

Ladies and gentlemen, please
fasten your seat belts

as we begin our initial
decent into North Dakota.

Oh, shit. Well, you know, you
heard the captain.

On your bike. I wish
I could just sit with you.

Yeah. Hmm.

But, you know, there's already
a guy in the seat, so...

Oh. Excuse me, Mr. Person,

would you mind switching seats so
I could sit with my boyfriend?

Thank you.

Hello, Charlie.

Oh, shit!

- You're the ghost of Wade Boggs!
- I'm not a ghost, Charlie.

You're just hallucinating.
You've had over 30 beers, dude!

Uh, you did? Nice, man.

- You know, you're friend Mac is right.
- Oh, yeah?

I didn't win five batting
titles because it was fun.

- Right. - I won it because
I wanted to be the best.

You see what I'm saying?

Nah, not really, man.

There's nothing more fun than winning.
So, come on, drink up.

- All right.
- I'll have one with you.

- Nice! Let's do it, Boggs! Let's drink!
- All right! Yeah. All right. Cheers!

Howdy, Dee.

Well, what do
you say, Boss?

Now, I know you're
not quitting on me.

I need you to keep
drinking those beers,

so you can help me
stop them Duke boys

from spoiling all my crooked
Hazzard County schemes!

You got it, Boss Hoss.

All right! Well, here we are--
beautiful North Dakota.

Hope you brought a coat 'cause
it looks cold as shit out there.

I don't live in
North Dakota.

You're going to L.A.?

About 200 miles inland--
the Salton Sea.

- My family has a tilapia farm there.
- Goddamn.

Good. Good for them.

- Will you excuse me for a minute?
- Sure.

- Dennis, Dennis?
- Huh?

Where you going?

Oh, uh, I mistook that girl
for Great Plains trash.

She's actually
desert trash.

I should've picked up on the
multiple gecko tattoos, so this,

this is kind of on me.

Either way, I'd rather stay in
this barren wasteland of a state

than spend one more
minute with that filth.

I'll see you
back in Philly.

Wait, wait, Dennis.
Don't go.

Now you can go.

Come on! Drink! Drink!
You guys can do it!

You guys are gonna make it! I can't
believe what we are witnessing here.

We are making history here, people!
We're making history!

- Beer me, baby.
- You're 40 beers back, bitch!

Just sit back
and enjoy the show.

Well, I'm tired of people
telling me what I can't do.

They say I can't
drink on a plane.

They say I can't
bang on a plane.

They'll say I can't be a pilot.
I can't be a doctor.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do
it right in front of your face.

I'm gonna chug 15
beers right now.

Oh, that's so cold.

Beer's cold.

There's a...

All right.

Instant rebuff.

Just leave me here.

Okay, guys, here we go.
Almost there! Almost there!

Wake up! Perk up! Perk up!
Guys, we're at 70 beers.

That means one more
to break the record.

- Come on.
- Come on, you can do it!

Let's go! Chug it! Chug it!
Come on, come on, you can do it.

You can do it!
I believe in you!

- Yeah!
- Yeah, Dee, go!

- I did it!
- 71 beers!

- Holy shit! - I'm the king.
I'm the king, Boss Hogg.

But you're not done yet.

Yeah, no. Uh, Boggs didn't just
drink enough beer to kill a horse.

He also suited up the next
day and went three for five,

so you're gonna
have to do that.

I can do it, but just give me
the bat. I can't get it...

Yeah, totally.
All right, uh... where's Dee?

She took a ride
on the carousel.

What?

Okay, here we go, Charlie.

You got to go at least three
for ten, all right? You ready?

I got all numbers.

Okay, I'm gonna put a little
mustard on this one, all right?

- Give me the hot dog, baby!
- All right.

Holy shit, dude!

- You roped that!
- That's the Wade Boggs style!

- Wow! - All right, give
me another one.

You know, that's the only
ball I have,

and I didn't expect
you to hit it that far.

I really don't feel
like going to get it.

So, I'm the commissioner.

I say you did it!

- Game on!
- Yeah!

Hey, one for one-- that's
batting a thousand, dude.

- That's baseball, baby!
- Yeah!

- Nice work!
- Yeah!

- Hey, man?
- Yeah?

California U.S.A.

It's kind of gloomy, huh?

Yeah.

What do now?

Well, if we hurry up, we can
get back to the airport

and get a red-eye
back to Philly.

- They got chicken Philly?
- They got chicken, yeah!

Hey, let's go
grab a beer, huh?