It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Gang Finds a Dead Guy - full transcript

You're being ridiculous.
He's a professional football player.

I'm not talking about killing the guy.
I'm talking about going with a group...

and intimidate him,
maybe break his arm.

- You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
- Yes, I can.

No more Super Bowls
for that pretty boy.

Listen. Let me tell you something with absolute
honesty and concern for your well-being.

Tom Brady would kick your ass.

- What the hell is that?
- Come on, who locked up last night?

- Charlie.
- The kid needs to start paying attention.

- Who is this?
- I don't know. I've never seen him before.

Well, can you get him
out of here? He stinks.

Hey, let's go. Oh, my... Je...
Oh, my God. He shit his pants, Dee.

Oh, I don't wanna know that.

I'm gonna poke him with this.

Get up, old man. This isn't
the American Legion. Wake up!

- Yo!
- What's the matter?

- He won't wake up.
- Well, poke him harder in his ribs.

Wake up, old man.
Wake up!

Holy shit.

That bitch is dead.

This ought to do wonders for business.

How could you let this happen, Charlie?

What? It's not my fault.
The guy orders one drink...

sits down, I don't see him
again the rest of the night.

What are we gonna do about this booth?
There's piss and shit everywhere.

- All the death germs.
- Plus, that guy was so old.

- Old people are gross.
- Tell you what. I'll get the gasoline.

- We're not gonna burn it.
- Come on, dude. You never let me burn anything.

- Maybe we should close to fumigate or something.
- No, no. We can't do that.

We can't let anybody know that
this happened. We'll never live it down.

Are we gonna serve drinks today? I don't think
the board of health will be too keen on that.

I'm sorry. Do you see any representatives
from the board of health here?

Let's clean up the mess
and act like it never happened.

- I'm not getting anywhere near that booth.
- Me neither.

I can't believe you guys
are making me do this.

I can't believe you left a dead guy
in the bar overnight. So I guess we're even.

Charlie, the E. M. T. Said
he had a heart attack, not Ebola.

- Do you wanna do this?
- No.

Then don't question my methods.

Whoa, Charlie! Stop!
Stop, stop, stop, stop. Goddamn it.

We need to isolate the area.

You're just gonna spread whatever
parts of him decomposed overnight.

- No.
- What, are you a scientist, dude?

- A scientist?
- That's, like, science talk.

Science talk?
What the hell is science talk?

I'm sorry. We're closed.

No, we're not.
Hey. How you doing?

- I'm looking for the owner.
- That's me. Actually...

- Actually, I'm the owner.
- I could help her out now.

- We own it together.
- Not really. What can I help you with?

My name is Rebecca Keane. I was notified
that my grandfather died here last night.

- Oh.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- That's really horrible.
- I'm sorry for your loss.

I, uh... I just wanted to see
where he spent his last night.

Hmm, that would be somewhere
in this vicinity over here.

- Oh, God.
- Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay. L... I really
didn't know him that well actually.

But he didn't have any other family,
so the police called me.

- Oh, that's so sad.
- Yeah.

I guess I was a little curious, you know.
I mean, he's my grandfather.

And I know nothing about him.

- Yeah. Well, he was a great man.
- Really?

Yeah. Yeah, just a very warm and...

gentle soul actually.

- So you knew him?
- Yeah, I wouldn't actually say that I knew him all that well.

I knew him pretty well.

Yeah, we got pretty close
near the end there.

- Wow, really?
- I knew him too.

L- I just meant...
I thought you meant more of a...

- He didn't know him as well as I did though.
- Oh.

Well, listen, I should go. I have to get
back to work. I just wanted to stop in.

Of course. Well, listen, if you
ever wanna stop by, you know...

I could tell you some stories about your
grandfather that you would not believe.

L- I'll make myself available as well.

Don't worry about it.
Yeah, any time.

Okay. Thanks.

- Yeah, of course.
- Bye.

- What are you doing, dude?
- What?

- You're totally blowing up my spot.
- I'm not blowing up your spot.

You can't just claim the girl for yourself.
She's way out of your league anyway.

Out of my league? She's out of
your league. I could get that chick.

Hey, guys! A man died here yesterday.
His family just abandoned him.

Could we think about
that for one second?

Why the hell would we want
to think about that?

- Really depressing, Dee.
- It just makes me think about Pop-Pop is all.

Pop-Pop is an asshole, Sweet Dee.

And I'm placing my bets that
that girl's grandfather is an asshole too.

People don't just abandon their parents
for no good reason.

Dude, have you ever been
to a nursing home?

People abandon their parents
all the time.

It's a sad, throwaway
culture we live in.

- Hey, Charlie. Can I come in?
- Hi.

- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.

Whoa. Geez, your place
is looking... good.

Yeah. I've been doing
some rearra... rearranging.

- Mm-hmm.
- So you wanna have a seat?

- Uh, no, I don't. Charlie, your, uh...
- Have a seat, come on.

Listen, I wanted
to ask you a favor.

Will you go to the nursing home with me
to see my grandfather? Dennis won't go.

- Dennis won't go?
- No, he won't go.

- What a jerk.
- I know, and I haven't seen him since I was really little.

And he's stuck in that nursing home.

And I don't wanna wait
until it's too late and then regret it.

Why don't you just go by yourself?

Uh, I have a little bit of
a problem with old people.

Sounds a little mean, but I find them
kind of creepy and scary and gross.

I think they're gross.
It's their hands mostly.

You know, how you can
see right through them.

They're all...
Their inside business is...

I'll tell you what.
I'll go with you...

but you have to let me borrow
your car any time I want.

No.

- Every now and then.
- No.

- One time.
- All right.

And... you have to
take me to lunch...

- twice a week for a year.
- No, I don't.

- Once a week. Today.
- Okay.

Great.

- I can get hot chicks, dude.
- Mac, don't embarrass yourself.

I will always win
in these circumstances.

You will not, dude.
She's coming over here to see me.

She's coming to see you because
you answered the phone, dude.

That's just semantics, bro. You know,
I have a real shot with this chick.

You can't beat me here, okay? I will
always win in these circumstances.

I will one-up you.
I'm sharper than you.

- You're not sharper. Shut up. Shut up.
- You shut up.

- Don't tell me to shut up.
- Hi, guys.

Is this a bad time?

No, this is a great time.
We were just... We...

We were talking
about your grandfather.

Emotions are running
very high around here today.

Yeah, it's been a difficult
couple of days for me.

Yeah, I try not to think about me
though in circumstances like this.

More importantly, how are you?

You kind oflook like
you're gonna pass out.

Charlie, I don't think I can do this.
I'm not kidding.

Come on.
You're gonna be fine.

- Oh, my God. Look at that one.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

They have ears, all right?

All right, listen to me, Dee.
The slow and painful crawl to death...

is an inevitable part of life.

So just embrace it, all right?

Wait, wait, wait.
It's really creepy in here.

- What is that very bad smell?
- Uh, it's probably urine and maybe some feces.

- 17-D, right? This is your Pop-Pop's door.
- Just hold on a second.

- What if he asks us to help him go to the bathroom?
- Are you kidding me?

Come on. A lot of people lead
perfectly normal lives in nursing homes.

Oh, Jesus! He doesn't even
look like a real person.

- Should we go wake him up?
- No! I don't know. Let's go.

No, we can't go. We came all the way
down here. Let's just...

- I need some air.
- What?

No, no, no, Dee. Do not leave me
here alone. 'Cause I can't...

Dennis.

- Dennis.
- Oh, this is awkward. I'm... I'm not...

Dennis, come here.

L- I've been waiting...

a long time for this moment, Dennis.

Okay. You have?

Oh, yeah. My only grandson finally
come to see me. Come close.

My eyesight's not so good.

You're lot shorter than
I thought you'd wind up.

Yeah, well, you know.
I'm actually still growin', so...

- You want some candy?
- No, I'm good. Thanks.

Eat the damn candy!

Okay. Candy.

These people in here...

they've stolen everything from me.

- They have?
- Yeah, well, what do you expect from Jews, right, Dennis?

Uh...

Jews. Um, maybe I should go
and check on Dee, because...

No, leave her be.
I'm sure she'll be fine.

I'm an old man, Dennis.

And as you can see,
I don't have much time left.

I need your help.

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, I'm not very
comfortable with that.

First of all, I don't even know which one
of these things I would unplug.

No, you idiot!

I don't need you to kill me.
I need you to help me.

Oh. Uh, okay.

You probably don't know this because that
bastard father of yours didn't tell you...

but I was a war hero.

- Really?
- I wanna be buried in my uniform.

And I don't trust any
of these kikes in here...

to take care of that.

All the belongings from
that part of my life are in a box...

at the Roxborough
Storage Facility.

I need you to pick it up
and bring it here.

Oh, okay, sure.
I could do that.

And I need you to keep it
as a secret between you and me.

Okay.

So listen, I have a favor
to ask you guys.

Oh, yeah. That's cool.
Anything, yeah.

You can talk to me,
'cause I get things done, so...

I'm in charge of putting together
a memorial service for him...

but I can't seem to find anyone else
who really knew him that well.

Oh, yeah. That might be
difficult to do actually.

It's not gonna be a problem.
I knew a lot of his friends. Good guys.

Yeah, Den. But, uh, it might be
hard to find "friends."

It's not gonna be hard for me.

That would be so amazing.

- Would you like another drink?
- No, we're fine.

- I need your car.
- Oh, Charlie. I wasn't really serious about that.

- No. Go get it. You promised.
- Fine.

- Where you going?
- Going back to see Pop-Pop.

What the hell you talking about?
You're going to see my Pop-Pop without me?

- Mm-hmm.
- You can't do that. He's my Pop-Pop.

I'm the one who's supposed to feel
better about myself. I'm going with you.

Oh, you can't actually, because
it's just supposed to be me and him.

- I want to see my Pop-Pop.
- Take the bus.

Jesus, Dennis.
This is just goddamn shady.

Hey, bud. If you wanna
back out now, be my guest.

- I'd be happy to take all the credit for this.
- I'm not backing down.

All right, all right. Hey, pal.

How would you
like to make 20 bucks?

- Sure.
- Got some nicer clothes?

- Right.
- Right.

Holy shit.

Okay, guys. Have fun. Mingle.

- Hey, guys. - Hey,
Rebecca. - Rebecca.

I see you brought some of
my grandfather's friends.

He loved those guys.

So I was wondering if maybe
you guys could say something.

You know, maybe tell a funny story
about him or something.

Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. Actually,
I've got a little something prepared.

If that's okay.
Mac, did you prepare...

Oh, no. Sorry. I totally forgot.
He's a terrible public speaker.

He gets really flustered and he clams up
and his third-grade stutter comes back.

It's adorable. Oh, is that your phone?

- Yeah.
- Gonna answer that?

- Well, I don't wanna be rude.
- Well, the ringer's going off in the middle of a funeral.

It's gotta be pretty important, right?

Excuse me.

- Charlie, what do you want?
- Mac, you gotta come to my apartment right now.

I can't, dude.
I'm in the middle of something.

I don't care what you're doing.
Get over here right now! It's an emergency!

Fine.

- I gotta go. It's an emergency.
- You gotta leave? That's a shame.

- So can I borrow your car, or what?
- You've been drinking.

Uh...

He's a good guy. He's just...
got a bit of a drinking problem.

- Who is it?
- It's Mac, dude. This better be good.

Holy shit!

Mmm.

- This is unbelievable!
- I know that! There are, like, so many medals in there, dude!

This guy was probably, like, king Nazi.

- How is this even possible, Charlie?
- Oh, it's possible.

- They came on boats or whatever, but they're here.
- Okay, hold on.

- This could just be collector's crap.
- No. No, no, no. No.

Look at that!

- He looks exactly like Dennis.
- I know.

All right, so here's the deal.

He wants me to take all this shit to him
so he can be, like, buried in it or something.

Buried in it?
Screw that old bitch. He's a Nazi.

Let him die and burn in hell, right?
Let's sell this shit on eBay.

No, I thought about that though.
I think it's, like...

illegal, or maybe
a little bit immoral.

- We could sell it to a museum.
- I could live with that.

Lionel Keane.

As we all know, Lionel
could be a bit of a curmudgeon.

But he had the heart of a lion.

I'll tell you a story about him.

It was Christmas Eve
last year and, uh...

I was at Lionel's house,
making him dinner.

And we got to talking
about the spirit of giving.

And I said, "Lionel, why are we
just talking about it?

Let's put the spirit into action.
Let's go down to the mission."

Lionel said, "Great.
That's a great idea, Dennis."

So we did, we went down there.

And not only did we feed...

every last poor,
miserable, precious soul...

but we washed the feet of every man,
woman and child there...

in the spirit of Christ.

And that was Lionel.

Lionel Keane.

Lionel the lion.

- Sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting.
- Not a problem at all.

- How can I help you?
- We are going to make your day today, sir.

- Is that right?
- We've gotten our hands on a "little something"...

that we like to think is
an important part of human history...

and needs to be in this museum.

Mac, if you will.

What in the hell is that?

This, my friend, is an authentic
Nazi officer's uniform circa 1942.

Notice the stitching
and fine attention to detail.

Where did you get this?

Let's just say it found its way to us
and leave it at that, shall we?

Okay. I find this offensive
for so many reasons.

I'm guessing you acquired this
through illegal means.

For me to take this from you
would be an extension of that.

And secondly, that you would
expect it would "make my day"...

assumes that I'm interested in profiting off
the murder of millions of innocent people.

How much will you
give us for it?

Nothing.

Nothing, or...

I plan to call the police
the minute you guys leave my office.

- Hey, Pop-Pop.
- Deandra?

What are you doing here?
Where's Dennis?

Oh, um, I just came by myself.

Oh. Well, do you know
where Dennis is?

He was supposed
to be here hours ago.

No, no. Pop-Pop, it's just me.
I thought that...

you and I could spend
some time together...

so I brought a couple books
that I could read to you.

Okay, fine.

Come here and sit down.

Yeah.

No, why don't you come closer
so I can get a good look at you?

- Come here, come here.
- Okay, that's fine.

- Sure, sure, sure.
- Good idea.

Come here.
A little closer. Come here.

Come on, come on.
Come here, come here.

Oh, now I remember
how beautiful you are.

And look at these wrinkled old hands
against your young face.

Oh, and... and these teeth.

Look. Look how straight and white.

Is there a bathroom around here?

Yeah. Right down the hall.

We're doing
the right thing here, man.

Yeah. But it just seems like a waste
of a perfectly good Nazi uniform.

No, no, no. If we sell it,
we run the risk of going to jail.

And if we keep it, we don't get anything,
so we may as well burn it.

- That's true.
- I mean, it is always fun to burn things.

Yeah.
Yeah, it is.

And we probably shouldn't let Dennis
know about his grandfather anyway.

- No.
- It might just screw with his head.

- Yeah, get it going.
- All right.

- Get on.
- Get on it.

- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Auf Wiedersehen, my friend.

- Whoo.
- Whoo.

- So it's all in there, right?
- Yeah.

- You didn't keep anything, or...
- No. Did you?

- No. No, dude.
- Okay.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, bro.

- Hey.
- What's up? What you burning?

- Some trash.
- Awesome.

- Do you wanna hear what happened with that girl?
- No. No, I don't, dude.

No? Oh, come on.

- I don't care about what happened.
- Of course you care.

- I don't wanna hear it, Dennis.
- Yeah, you do.

Okay. You know what, bro?
I'm sorry. You win. Okay?

I give up. You won.
You're the better man.

You don't give up. See, I won
fair and square. We went head-to-head...

and I came out the better man,
just as I predicted I would.

So we went back to her house...

and we made sweet,
passionate love.

- Great.
- Yeah.

Great for you. You...
You must be really proud of yourself.

Awesome. Your grandfather's a Nazi.

Who's your neighbor?

I'm your neighbor.
But let me ask you a couple questions.

- Go ahead, shoot.
- Ask away.

- Who lives in this here hole?
- What hole?

- That big brown hole.
- Oh, I'm inside that hole.

- Dozen Rangers in there too.
- All right. Well...