It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Gun Fever - full transcript

- You're such a dildo, dude.
- Thanks, dude.

Thanks.
That's a good way to start the day.

Is that soy veggie health drink
supposed to erase the damage...

you did to your liver last night?

Is that coffee gonna help you forget
that elephant you slept with last night?

Oh, come on.
You don't have to be so judgmental.

- She was gross, dude.
- She wasn't that gross, all right?

If you lowered your standards a bit,
you'd get laid more. Give me a sip of this.

- No!
- I just wanna try it.

You do not get to taste my delicious
healthy drink after making fun of it.

- Why not? Just give it to me.
- 'Cause I don't know what kind of diseases that girl had.

She doesn't have any diseases!

- Dude, she was really gross.
- Guys!

- We got a real serious problem.
- There's been a B&E, dude.

- A what?
- A B&E, dude!

- A B&E?
- What does that mean?

Somebody broke into the bar
and stole our safe.

- Breaking and entering. B&E.
- No. No!

- Are you serious?
- Oh, my God!

- When did this happen?
- Last night, I guess.

Wejust walked in this morning
and found it like that.

- Who locked up last night?
- I did. But that's the thing. The locks weren't even broken.

- So somebody just waltzed in here and stole the safe?
- But it's not my fault.

- Well, it's somebody's fault.
- I know it's somebody's fault!

- Well, it's somebody's fault!
- I know that!

Guys! Guys! We're not gonna
get anywhere yelling at each other!

- We need to be rational.
- All right, all right.

- Okay! I think it's clear what needs to happen.
- What?

We need to buy a gun.

So what do you think?

I think next time you boys
ought to get the kind of safe...

that a relatively small man
can't just carry away.

But there's been, like, a string
of these robberies all over the area.

- You don't have any leads or...
- Not really.

"Not really."
What in the hell does that even mean?

How could there not be any leads?
The guy must have left something behind.

- People are working on it.
- Hey, you guys.

They're pretty sure it's the same guy
who's been hittin' all the bars around here.

- We know, Charlie.
- So we're done here, Harris.

- What... So that's it?
- Yeah.

We'll call you
if we come up with anything.

- Well, thanks.
- Yeah, thanks.

You know what?
Let's go get that gun.

- Whoa. Hey, hey. No, no, no, no, no.
- What?

Guns are not a good idea. They're dangerous.
Someone's gonna get hurt.

- Yeah. Mac, no guns.
- Guys, somebody stole our safe, right?

Am I crazy? We need to
be able to protect ourselves...

in case something
like this happens again.

- Clearly, Philly's finest don't give a shit.
- Mac is absolutely right.

- What if one of us was here when it happened?
- We would have been killed.

- No, you don't know that. Come on.
- Hey, babe.

- Hey, Colin.
- Mmm.

- Was that law enforcement?
- Yeah.

- Is everything all right?
- No, dude. We got robbed last night.

Oh, shit!

Are you kiddin' me?
Oh... What happened?

Remember the other day when you were
making fun of us for having such a tiny safe?

That really sucks, guys. Look, we have
reservations at Guajino's at 12:00, and...

- Yep. Just about...
- Guys, it's a travesty. I'm sorry.

No guns.

Dude, your sister has
the worst taste in men.

No shit. I hate that guy.
He's like a full-on '80s movie stereotype.

Plus, he's a total player.

What do you mean?

You don't know about this?
Oh, my God!

That guy's dated, like,
every hot bartender in town.

I saw him a week ago
with Wendy from Dirty Frank's.

Hand all down
the back of her pants.

- Oh! Gross.
- Very gross.

Whatever, dude.
Charlie, close up shop.

Dennis, let's go get us a gun.

Do you really think
they're gonna buy one?

No. I mean,
I told them not to...

but Mac gets a boner
every single time he thinks about a gun.

- Well, I think it's a great idea.
- I'm... I'm sorry?

I think it's really smart.

Owning and knowing
how to properly use a firearm...

is an important part
of what makes this country great.

Well, that's what
I was trying to tell them...

- To tell you the truth...
- What?

There's nothing sexier
than when you're firing a gun.

Actually,
it really turns me on.

Well, that's exactly why I want you
to teach me how to use one, sexy.

- It would be my pleasure.
- I think the pleasure would be all mine.

You've got a poppy seed
in your teeth.

Hmm.

- Get it?
- It's a big one. You might wanna go to the bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Calm down! All right!

Hwang.
You're just in time, buddy.

- Charlie, my rent.
- Okay, listen.

- Listen to me for a second while I...
- No! I cannot wait anymore!

Don't come over here and just start yelling at me!

Hwang! Hey! Wait!

Let me go get something,
and I'll fix it.

All right, hurry up.
Hurry up!

I can't wait too long!
Hwang not patient!

You getting my money?

Would you like
a Rice Krispie treat?

- $854 you owe me!
- I realize how much money it is!

I'm not gonna take it no more!

I placed a couple bad investments!

Hwang!

I placed a couple of bad investments.
It could happen to anyone, right?

Okay.

I'm going to get your...

goddamn money
by the end of the month, okay?

- I come back tomorrow. I want my goddamn money!
- Yeah, tomorrow.

- I want my money!
- Okay.

Dickhead!

Okay, Dennis. We're gonna be
very careful about this, right?

We'll stash it right here
just in case we need it.

Until then, we don't go near it.

- Hopefully, we never have to pick it up again.
- Hopefully.

- You wanna shoot it?
- Yes.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

- How do you like me now, log?
- You totally killed that log, dude.

I totally killed it. I always knew
that I'd be good at this stuff.

- You're a really good shot, Dennis.
- Thanks, bro.

You're pretty good too, Hoss.

- You hit the log, like, a bunch of times, man.
- I did.

If that log was trying to rob the place,
you would have killed it.

- I would have killed it!
- You totally would have killed it.

- Absolutely!
- Hey, you wanna shoot it some more?

- Yeah!
- Hey, can I load it up though?

- Absolutely! You like the sound.
- I like the sound of the clip.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- What the hell are you guys doing?
- Oh, Charlie, check it out.

- Whoa, whoa. No, no, no.
- Check it out.

- That's not fun! That's not a toy.
- Oh, come on, Charlie.

I'm serious, man. You shouldn't
be playing around with guns.

First of all, we need to open the bar.
We got robbed.

Hwang is all over my ass
because of rent.

- You wanna hold it?
- No. No.

- Come on. Just hold it.
- I wanna open the bar!

- Hold it for a little bit.
- No, I don't wanna hold it.

Fine. Give me the gun.
Fine. Yes. I'll hold the gun. Okay.

Good. Nice.
Really nice feel to it.

That's really good.
Is this thing loaded?

It can be.

- That's my boy!
- Whoo! That's amazing!

- Yeah. Can you feel it?
- You bet I can feel it! Come on!

- Describe what you feel.
- I feel like, uh...

I feel focused and I feel badass
and just, um...

badass, you know?

- I think he's got it, Mac.
- Yes, he does.

- Got what?
- Charlie, my boy, you've got the gun fever.

Whoo!

That's what I'm talking about.
You seeing this?

- Yeah.
- That is sexy.

- Yep, totally.
- You feeling sexy?

- I don't know.
- Hey, hey, hey. It's all right to be a little nervous.

Everyone's nervous their first time.
But I promise you...

once you put
your hand around this...

you are gonna love it.

Well, actually,
I've got something I think you'll love.

I'd rather watch you
shoot the gun here.

- What if I...
- Just shoot the gun, Dee.

Okay.

Why would I not be serious?

- All right. Thanks, Detective.
- Nothing?

No, nothing. I don't think they're taking
this seriously on any level, dude.

Of course they're not, dude.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.

These cops don't
give a shit about us.

I think it's time we took matters
into our own hands.

- How?
- Maybe we should do a little investigating of our own.

Do some snoopin' around,
try to crack the case. We got the gun.

That's true.
Wanna go shoot it some more?

- Yes!
- Let's do that.

- Pow, pow, pow!
- Whoa! What the hell?

- What?
- Dude, the gun's not here.

- Holy shit! What are you talkin' about?
- Look! Look!

It's...

- Charlie?
- Charlie.

- Yeah, I got the gun.
- Why, Charlie?

It's supposed to be here
to protect the bar.

Yeah, I know. I know.
I just, uh...

- You just what?
- I just needed it.

- Is this the gun fever talking, dude?
- No...

It's not...
I don't have the gun fever, man.

Look, I'm coming in to work later.
I'll bring it with me.

I really don't like the sound of this, Charlie.

Hey, hey, hey. I gotta go, dude.
I'll see you guys at the bar.

He hung up.

All right! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming!

I'm coming! All right.
Hang on a second there.

- Hey, Hwang.
- Okay, so you got my money now?

I got some Rice Krispie treats in
the fridge. You want some more of those?

Charlie, I don't like you.
I never liked you.

So just give me my money,
or Hwang will be forced to...

I'm sorry. Forced to...

- What you doing?
- Hmm?

- What's that?
- So, listen, Hwang.

Let me talk to you
about your money for a second.

Uh, I don't have it
right now, you know?

I just don't have it.
But I'm gonna get it...

because I have my ways.

Do you know what I mean, Hwang,
when I say I have my ways?

What is that? Is that a yes?

Sometimes I can't understand you.
You're talking, but I don't understand you.

So say yes if you know what I mean
when I say I have my ways.

- Yes.
- Oh, good boy. Get lost.

All right. So we got the binoculars.
We got the ziplock baggies.

We got the Maglite. I think as soon as
Charlie gets here with the gun, we're all set.

This is great, dude.
This is great. We're like the Hardy Boys.

- Okay.
- Okay, great.

So I'll be Frank.
You be Joe.

'Cause Frank was kind of the leader,
and that makes a little more sense...

- Didn't Frank have blond hair?
- Yeah. But that doesn't make any difference...

- So I should be Frank 'cause I have lighter...
- The hair color doesn't matter.

It's all about who's
making the plans and...

If we're gonna play
Frank and Joe Hardy...

- But I'm the leader clearly in this partnership!
- Why are we talking about this?

You're right.
We have a lot of work to do.

- What's the first step?
- So I'm the leader. Great. Let's roll.

Wait, no. We can't go. What are you doing?
We gotta open up the bar.

Or we could call your sister
to do her job...

that is if she's not having sex with Colin
and every other bartender in Philadelphia.

- Don't do that. It's gross.
- Look, dude, we need to jump on this.

- Let's go do some investigating.
- All right. All...

Wait a second.

- What?
- Holy shit!

- I know who stole our safe.
- You do?

Yeah.
Let's go get that gun.

- Yeah, let's get the gun. Wait, wait. Bag, bag, bag.
- Oh, the bag.

- All right. I'm driving.
- Okay. No, I'm driving.

I hope Charlie
didn't do anything stupid.

Whatever Charlie's doing right now,
it's probably pretty stupid.

Let's just hope nobody got hurt.

- Yeah.
- Yo.

- Hey, dude.
- Hey, guys.

- Can we get that gun?
- Oh. Why?

Well, first of all,
we shouldn't have to tell you why.

We bought it.
It's ours.

But if you must know, it's because
we know who knocked over the bar.

Really?

Yeah.
Can we get the gun?

- Why?
- Because we know who... Okay, you know what, dude?

Move. Oh, this place
is a shit-hole, Charlie. It smells.

So, don't you wanna know
who did it?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Who was it?
- Colin.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Think about it.

It all makes sense.
Colin goes around town...

with every hot
bartender chick, right?

He woos them with his charm
and his good looks.

He finds out where the safes are.
He finds out how to get in.

You remember when Sweet Dee said that
he was laughing about how small the safe was?

You saw how quickly he changed
the subject when she brought that safe up.

Right. All right.
So what's the plan?

I'll slide the gun meaningfully
into the front of my pants...

- I know that game.
- Yeah.

- So why don't you go get it?
- Go get the gun!

All right. Here.

- Oh!
- Do you want it?

Hey, Dee.
Are you with Colin right now?

Oh, no. He had to meet
someone at Fingers Bar, huh?

- Nice.
- Okay.

Why don't you take the night off, okay?
You deserve it.

- All right. You're welcome. Bye.
- Pow, pow, pow.

- You ready?
- Ready, Freddy. Oh.

It goes...
Uh, stick it back in...

- What a penis!
- Like you wouldn't do such a thing?

- Come on. Let's nail this prick.
- Wait. Hold on a second.

Didn't Fingers already get robbed?

- Uh, yeah.
- So what's this guy doing, going in for round two?

- I don't know. Can we do this thing?
- Wait. Hold on.

Do you think this guy would be
dumb enough to rob the same bar twice?

- Yeah, I do.
- Me too.

All right, change of plans.
Leave the gun.

I'm gonna get this asshole
to hit Paddy's again.

Follow my lead.
I'm the leader.

- Hey, Colin!
- Colin!

- What are you doing here?
- Hey, fellas.

Didn't expect to see you here.

- Yeah. I was just... Actually, I was leaving.
- Leaving?

- Having a little drink, huh? Little drinky-poo.
- Couple drinks?

- Yeah. Just, uh... Yeah, just a little drink.
- Yeah?

What's up, man? You seem like, uh,
the cat who ate the canary.

No...

Canary... No, I was just...
I didn't expect to see you guys here.

- Why?
- Well, I thought you'd be at Paddy's.

Paddy's, no.
We actually closed up shop for the night.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Thought we'd get wasted here instead, you know?

- Just a little freaked out about the robbery.
- Yeah.

But, actually, funny story. Turns out the
dickhead didn't actually get all of our money.

- We actually keep it in the register instead of the safe.
- Yeah.

So the stupid asshole didn't even think
to look there, right?

- What a cock!
- What an idiot! What an idiot! What a total idiot, right?

- Boner, really.
- Schmuck.

- Stupid idiot.
- Yeah, so, you know.

As soon as we get some new locks,
we should be all set.

- Yeah.
- So we're just probably gonna hop in here...

- Grab a couple drinks here tonight.
- Yeah, get wasted.

- Maybe pass out.
- Or walk home with a couple of hot waitresses.

Right, Colin?

Yeah, totally.
Yeah.

- All right, well, don't wanna keep you.
- Yeah.

- We'll see you later. You look spiffy, bro.
- Yeah, you look good.

- Maybe you guys should get a gun.
- What?

Well, Dee was saying that
you were thinking about getting a gun.

I think it's a good idea.

Good protection. I, uh...
I keep one on me all the time.

I don't know.
Think about it.

- Absolutely.
- Enjoy your drinky.

- Yeah.
- We will. All right, man.

- Have a good night, bro. Yeah.
- See you later.

- He's got a gun on him at all times.
- From now on, so will we.

Dude, you just laid it on
way too thick back there.

There's no way he's gonna hit Paddy's
again tonight. He'd have to be a moron.

He is a moron, dude.
He'll be there.

Hey, Dee.
Yeah, listen.

There's a change of plans. I need you
to meet us at Paddy's tonight after all.

Something you need to see.

- Why did you guys bring me into this?
- You'll see.

- Did you turn off the circuit breaker?
- Yeah, dude. We're all set.

Check.

- What the hell was that?
- Did you just cock back the hammer, bro?

- No.
- Wait a second. You guys have a gun?

Hey, listen to me.
We are not shooting anybody tonight.

- I know.
- Dennis, you are not shooting anyone!

I don't want to shoot
anyone, Sweet Dee!

- You better not shoot anybody.
- I don't have...

- I should be holding the gun.
- I have better...

- Well, I put this whole thing together.
- I shot the log way more times!

- This is so bad.
- But I'm the one who has better aim than you!

What? What? Is he here?

- Oh, there he is.
- Okay.

- What's he doing?
- He's walking toward the cash register.

Oh, he looks shady.

Yeah. That's him.

That's it. Do the flashlight.

- Turn the flashlight on!
- I can't reach it!

No, no!
He's getting away!

- Shoot him!
- What?

- Shoot him!
- Shoot him in his face!

Shit!

- Did you get him?
- I'm shot!

- Charlie? Oh, my God!
- Oh, my god!

Turn on the circuit breaker!
Turn on the circuit breaker!

- Did you shoot me, Dennis?
- L... Uh, no. L...

- Why did you shoot me?
- Oh, my God!

- My God! Dude, are you okay?
- Where are you shot?

- In my head!
- What?

Oh, my God! Charlie, I shot you
in your head. I am so sorry.

- Is he okay?
- No, I'm not okay! He shot me in my head!

- No. It must havejust grazed his head.
- You shot him in the head, bro!

- If I shot him in the head, he'd be dead.
- It really hurts!

- I gotta go to a hospital!
- All right, man. I'll call an ambulance.

The hospital's, like, three blocks away.
We should just drive him!

I know that. But I don't wanna get blood
stains all over the interior of my car.

Are you serious?

All right!
I'll take you to a hospital! God!

All right, get a trash bag.
We'll put it over him.

- I can't believe you shot Charlie, dude.
- Don't start this again!

- You almost killed our best friend.
- You told me to shoot Charlie!

You guys told me
to shoot Charlie.

The minute the shit hits the fan, you guys
are, like, "Dennis, don't shoot the gun!"

- I was not!
- Then all of a sudden, you told me to shoot him in the face!

I didn't say that!

- Hey.
- Hey, there he is. How you feeling, buddy?

You shot me, dude.

But, Charlie, you were stealing
from the bar. It was an honest mistake.

I still kind of wish
you didn't shoot me.

- If you needed help with money, why didn't you talk to us?
- Yeah, man.

L... I had it all
worked out, all right?

I was gonna make it look like all
the other robberies going on around town.

Then we would collect
some insurance money and...

- Wow, dude. That's really just goddamn ridiculous.
- That is so dumb.

- I thought it was the best idea I ever had.
- No, it's not at all.

- But you know what?
- It might be the best idea you've ever had, but...

Listen. Listen. The important thing
is that you are all right.

And we talked about it, and we decided
we need to get rid of that gun.

Oh, oh, the gun.
Yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.

- It's too dangerous.
- You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.

Okay, good. Yes.
I think that would be for the best.

Ah. Mmm.
Dee, could you get me a nurse?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure.

Tell me we're not
getting rid of that gun.

No way!

- Never.
- Sweet.

No, he's fine. It turns out
itjust kind of grazed his head.

Oh, that's great news, babe.

Thank you so much for calling though.
You are so sweet, Colin.

I guess I'm just a sweet guy.

All right.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow?

- You will.
- Okay. Good night.

Dream of me.

Idiots.