It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Underage Drinking: A National Concern - full transcript

I like what I'm seeing here!

- I like what you're doing right now!
- I like what you're doing!

- I like what you're doing!
- I like what we're all doing!

- I like this guy!
- This is insane!

- I know!
- This is good! This is a good scene!

- I've never seen so many beautiful people in my life!
- Hey, check it out!

Even Sweet Dee's getting lucky!

That dude's gonna bang your sister, bro.

- This is good, man. I feel good.
- You look good, brother.

No, no, no, no.
I feel better than good.

- You know, I feel like, um... I feel like dancing.
- Whoa, it feels good, man!

- You should.
- I feel like dancing!

- Get out there, buddy. Make it happen. Nice.
- I feel like dancing!

I love that little man.

This is great.
I mean, what's going on?

- This is, like, the greatest night Paddy's has ever seen.
- I know!

- Kind of a young crowd, right?
- Yeah!

- Really, really young.
- Mm-hmm.

What, do you think these kids
are in college or what?

I don't know.
Hey. You. How old are you?

Twenty-one?

Everybody, out!

But I don't understand
how you guys could let this happen.

It was not my fault.
I was working behind the bar.

Come on, Dennis. You remember
what it was like in high school.

The minute we caught word
that a bar wasn't carding...

we would just pack the place
the following weekend.

They probably had a recon crew
come in last week.

- They definitely had...
- Why, you guys? Why were we not carding?

- Not my job.
- Not my job either.

It's all of our jobs. We could get
into a lot of trouble for this.

And we also have a social responsibility
to keep teenagers from drinking.

I guess.

- I don't know about that though.
- Oh, Mac!

- Mac, don't.
- Hold on a second. Hear me out.

It wasn't that long ago that we were in
the same position as these youngsters, right?

I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar,
and what did we do, Den?

We would get a bunch of 40s
from a homeless guy...

and we'd go sit in some park, right?

- That is true. That is absolutely true.
- And what would happen?

We would almost get raped and/or murdered
and/or stabbed by crackheads in Fairmount Park.

You wanna know what else
what would happen?

We drove Nicky Potnik's car
into a tree on Kelly Drive.

With Sweet Dee in the backseat puking because
some guy talked to her that she liked, remember?

Every time some guy
talks to you that you like...

you get so nervous
you drink yourself into oblivion.

- I had bad potato salad.
- You drink yourself crazy.

You abused alcohol, and that's okay.

But it's very dangerous, right?
Right? Okay.

Well, maybe we should look at this
whole thing from a different angle.

Maybe we have "a social responsibility"
to provide a safe haven...

for these kids to be kids.

- You know, experiment.
- No. I don't like where this is heading.

- We would have to set up ground rules.
- Okay.

No drinking and driving.
No one's gonna crash Nicky Potnik's car.

- Right.
- Everyone has to take a cab.

Four drink maximum. Like, that's it.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. That's it.
Anyone causing trouble can't come.

- If you're gonna be here, you gotta be cool.
- He's gone! He's gone!

Listen, we water down the drinks,
jack up the prices.

- Oh, my... Come on!
- We could make a serious profit off these kids.

And they'd have no idea
what the hell's going on.

- We would actually be doing something good.
- Great. I say we do it.

- Yeah.
- I don't know how you guys live with yourselves.

- One day at a time.
- One day at a time.

Yeah, I know, Mom.
I heard you the first time.

I'm perfectly aware of what time it is.
Thank you, Mom.

Do we have to do this right now?

Yeah, I know how old I am. Did you think
that I forgot, maybe, how old... That's...

As a matter of fact, I have a date
this afternoon with my friend Steven.

So I should probably go,
'cause I gotta get ready for that.

Mm-hmm.
All right. Yeah, you too. Bye.

Hello, Steven.

Hello.

- Dee?
- Yeah.

- This is Trey from last night.
- Oh, hey, Trey.

You know what? I don't think
I should be talking with you.

I think you're the most beautiful woman
I've ever met in my entire life.

Really?

I can't believe that someone as gorgeous
as you can be so down to earth.

Well, you know, I've always tried to
keep both feet on the ground, so...

Yeah. So, listen,
I have a lacrosse game...

but I was wondering if you wanted to meet me
and my friends at Lemon Hill afterwards.

Lemon Hill?
That's where all the cool kids used to go.

- Good. So you've been there.
- Oh! Come on.

I've been there, like, 200 times.

Why don't you stop by? I mean, unless
you got something better to do today.

Wow. You can really put 'em back,
can't you?

The trick is to
just kind of open your throat.

You are so much cooler
than all the other girls I know.

You are so sweet.
Can you get me another one of these?

Whoo!

- All right. There you go.
- Look how much fun they're having, man.

Of course they are. They haven't
realized how much life sucks yet.

Remember how great high school was?
All those parties, no responsibilities.

- High school was the best.
- Do you guys even remember high school?

- I don't think it happened the way you think.
- What do you mean?

The only reason you got to hang out
with me and the other cool kids...

is 'cause you sold us all weed.

- Everybody thought you were an asshole.
- I was popular!

Mac was very popular. And I like to think
I was pretty popular myself.

- You were.
- No, he was. You were popular like a clown is popular.

- What?
- Yeah, you made us all laugh.

All the guys knew you couldn't sleep
with their girlfriends.

Whatever, dude. The only reason
you got laid is 'cause you dated freshmen.

Yeah. You've always had
that creepy thing with younger girls.

- I do not.
- You're not in high school anymore, pal.

You better keep it in the pants,
'cause it's kind of creepy.

You want to talk about creepy?

You guys sniffing glue in your mom's
basement. That's creepy.

Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

Tim Murphy slept with your prom date!

- Tim Murphy had sex with your prom date!
- That's right.

- Oh. He's getting sad now.
- Oh, no.

- There's, like, watering in the eyes.
- Now he's running away.

Oh, is he gonna cry?

Did you see that? He was totally gonna cry.

Oh, Trey, that is so sad.

It was a really bad breakup.

I mean, Tammy's great and all.
I just wasn't feeling it, you know?

Oh, yeah. Well, you gotta feel it.

Don't get me wrong.
Tammy's, like, the prettiest girl in school...

so it was a perfect match.

- It just wasn't working.
- Hmm.

She's not as pretty as you though.

Oh! Thank you.

Wait! I can't do this.

- What?
- I never statutory raped anyone before.

Oh. Okay. I'll tell you what.

Let's, uh, just take it slow.

You are so sweet.

Where were you
when I was in high school?

I was eight.

Right.

Yeah.

These kids are wasted, bro.
I thought we were cuttin' 'em off.

I am cuttin' 'em off. These kids haven't
had more than three drinks each.

Plus, there's so much water, they're probably
more hydrated than they ever have been.

- Are they fakin' it?
- I guess.

- Just stay away from me, Billy!
- No, Sara! I saw you flirting with him!

No, I know it.
You were throwing yourself on him!

Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Give me some eyes!
Look at me! Cool your jets!

- I'm sorry.
- All right, beat it!

- Are you okay?
- He's such a player.

- Is he a player?
- Big time.

I hate players. All right. I'm sorry.
I'm getting fired up here.

Charlie, that was the coolest thing
you've ever done!

I know. I'm gonna be sick.

- Oh, shit.
- You Dennis Reynolds?

- Yeah.
- You like what you see?

Uh, I don't know.

Dude, relax. I'm 18.

- Are you in high school?
- Yes.

- Then take a hike.
- Doesn't seem to bother your sister.

What?

She was all over this one boy
in my class today.

Really?

Listen, dude, I'm legal...

and I love to party.

So if you're looking for
the ride of your life...

give me a call.

Goddamn it.

Hang on. I'm coming!

- What the hell is wrong with you?
- What?

I know you were hanging out with
that high school kid from the bar.

Okay. You know what?
We're just friends, all right?

He went through a really bad breakup,
and he just needed me to be there for him.

What you're doing is sick and wrong.

Are you living out
some sad fantasy of yours?

- Going out with the most popular kid in high school.
- Why would that be a fantasy?

I went out with tons of guys
in high school.

You wore that scoliosis back brace
until you were 20 years old.

- Everyone was afraid of you.
- No, they weren't.

- You looked like a monster! Do you all have amnesia?
- What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, my God. You're as delusional
as Mac and Charlie.

Do not compare me to Mac and Charlie.

I'm telling you,
this is the wrong kind of glue, Charlie.

- No, it's not.
- This is made for, like, kindergartners or something.

- No, this will work.
- No, look. "Nontoxic and safe."

We don't want safe. We want toxic.

- Something's happening.
- Nothing is gonna happen.

- Something's happening.
- Nothing's gonna happen.

No, you're right. This isn't working.

Y'ello. Yeah.

Oh, hey. How are you?

Really? That's cool.

Yeah. Okay.

Bye.

Dude. That was that girl Sara,
the one from the bar the other night...

who I rescued from that kid.

Well, her parents are out of town,
and she's totally having a party.

What do you think?

Kind of a lame party, bro.

Uh, what do you think?
Should we jet?

Yeah. This doesn't feel right.

Hey, guys!

- Hi, Sara.
- Hey.

I'm so glad you guys came.

Well, uh, we ran into
a little bit of a problem.

My brother, he was supposed to
pick up the keg, but he bailed on me.

- Oh, that sucks.
- Yeah. Yeah, it totally sucks.

So, um, we were wondering
if maybe you guys could help us out.

- Oh, you mean... No, I don't...
- Ooh, no.

Geez, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Listen, it's one thing at the bar, you know,
where we have control over you guys.

- It's another thing...
- Ah, come on, please? Please.

- You guys have been so cool.
- Yeah, we were just talking about how cool you guys were.

- Really?
- You were?

Mm-hmm. This would be the coolest thing
that anyone's ever done for us.

- Ever.
- Ever.

Who wants to do a keg stand?

Um, I'm kind ofhaving
second thoughts a little bit.

Oh, come on. It'll be a blast.

Yeah, well, I don't think
your friends like me that much.

Let's go get a beer.

Twenty-five, 26...

27, 28, 29!

- Hey, Dee.
- Hi, guys.

- What's going on?
- Just hanging out, you know?

Yeah.

Wanna do a keg stand?

Seventy-five, 76, 77!

- Seventy-seven seconds! That is a
new record, baby! - I did it. I did it.

So, Ben is, like,
"I don't care what Kevin said, Sara.

I was only going out with Rachel
to get closer to you."

Oh, my... Oh, my God.
What did you say to that?

"Whatever, Ben. I heard from Caitlin
that you were totally into her."

Um, he's so full of shit.

Goddamn!

Come on. Oh, come on.

Yeah! What do you think
about that, bitches?

Load 'em up, losers!
What do you think about this, huh?

How I embarrassed your boyfriend
in front of everybody? You like that?

- You like what you see?
- What's with this guy?

I know. What is he, like, 40?

Get me some more! Get me some more!
Let's go! Load 'em up!

- I'm gonna put on a goddamn clinic!
- What an asshole.

Come on, guys. Hey.
Let's go. Let's go!

- Oh, get off me, dude!
- Get off me!

Can we please get out of here?
Let's go.

Why?

Trey asked me to prom last night.
This is getting really weird.

- That girl Sara asked me too.
- You're kidding!

What? No, we can't go to the prom.
That's pathetic.

What do you mean "we"?
Who asked you?

Let's just go. Let's just go.

All right, all right. I'm coming.

- Hi, sexy.
- What are you doing here? You gotta get out of here.

I need a date for the prom,
and I want you to take me.

Are you kidding me?
I can't do that, okay?

- You gotta go.
- Isn't there anything I can do to change your mind?

No. No, no, no. No.
Leave. Leave. Go.

Okay. You can either
take me to the prom...

or I can tell the police
that you're serving underage kids.

- Are you serious?
- Try me.

Goddamn it.

You know what? I don't think we
should be serving minors anymore.

- Oh, no. Somebody's jealous.
- I'm not jealous. I just think it's dangerous.

- You're jealous you didn't get asked to the prom.
- I don't care about that.

- Ah, you're gonna cry?
- Shut up!

Yo, you guys?
No more kids in the bar, seriously.

- Okay! Now we're talking some sense.
- What the hell?

- This girl asked me to the prom.
- What?

Yeah. This girl
comes over to my house...

tells me that if I don't go to the prom with her,
she's gonna rat us out to the cops.

Wait a second. Hold on.
So all of you guys got asked to the prom?

You guys got asked to the prom?

- Yeah.
- Whoa.

Oh, this is so lame!

At least you don't actually have to go.

- Are you going?
- Yeah. I have to.

Oh, well, if you're going,
I'm going then, I guess.

- So you...
- What?

I didn't get to go when I was in high school.
It might actually be fun.

If you guys are going, I'm going.
I'm not staying here.

- Are you gonna go?
- I'm gonna go.

- I have to go, so...
- You guys are pathetic!

Maybe if you weren't such a jerk,
someone might have asked you.

Because Sara told me that Maureen told her
that Regina McGinley thought you were cute.

- Then Ray Rafferty comes up to you at the party, and you're...
- Charlie, shut up!

The only reason that Sara asked you in the
first place is because you're the only idiot...

dumb enough to listen to her bitch
about her ex-boyfriend all night!

Whatever.

Hey, we should have a pre-prom party.

You know what, Charlie?

I think this is actually
gonna be pretty great.

Oh, dude, are you kidding me?
This is gonna be awesome.

- I can't wait to just get out there and start dancing.
- I'm gonna dance too.

- Are you gonna dance, baby? You gonna dance with me?
- I'm gonna dance like this.

Oh, Dee! Come here.
Let me take a look at you.

Wow. You look... You look... Yeah.

I know. I feel so lucky
that this thing even fits still.

- Is that your dress from high school?
- Yup.

- You didn't go to the prom in high school, Dee.
- No, I know.

My back brace was under the dress,
and Mom called me fat.

So I stayed home and cried instead.

Take... Take it slow. Take it slow.

I know, you guys,
but I just am so nervous.

I just want this whole night
to be so special.

That dude is going to
bang your sister, bro.

- What's up, bitches? Mmm!
- What is this? What are you doing?

You assholes aren't gonna be the only ones
having fun. I'm going to the prom.

- Dork! You cannot crash a high school prom.
- I'm going stag, bro.

Mac, you are so pathetic.

Yes, and your eyebrows
are drawn on, so...

Whoa. Well, you know what?

How 'bout this?

Say it, don't spray it.

Trey's here. Oh, my God.

Hello. Excuse me, Mac.
My date has arrived.

Trey is so cool.

He's totally gonna bang your sister.

Hello, sweet prince.

Wow! You look... good.

I know! Like a princess.

- Can I tell you a little secret?
- Sure.

Beat it.

- I always wanted to have sex on prom.
- Ah.

All right. So what's the plan?
Do we have a limo or what?

- The plan is, you're not coming with us.
- Yeah.

- Why not?
- You weren't invited and you don't have a date.

- You totally suck.
- I totally suck?

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Oh, Jesus.

Oh, who is that?

- That's my prom date.
- Mm-hmm.

She's unbelievable.
How old is she?

- She's 18.
- Eighteen?

- You are a lucky man. You are a lucky man.
- Oh, you dick!

Wait a second. You guys called me creepy
for liking young chicks.

Eighteen's legal, bro.
This isn't a morality contest.

Eighteen's not young, brother.

- So you guys are giving me the
go-ahead? I mean, can I... - Go ahead.

- Hi, Dennis.
- Hi.

- You look...
- Yeah, I know.

- Do ya?
- Mm-hmm.

- I can't zip it up. Your hair's all caught.
- All right. Just pull it.

Oh.

- Tammy?
- Mm-mmm. No. What?

Hold on one minute.

- Can I get you a drink?
- Maybe.

- What would you like?
- Anything you want.

- Tammy, what are you doing here?
- I'm picking up my date.

You're going to prom with this guy?

Yes.

Can I talk to you for a second?

What the hell is going on?

That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend.

This is classic Tammy.

Trey broke up with Tammy
because Maureen Kinallen said...

that she saw Tammy flirting
with Walt Timby at a party.

But she was only doing it
to make Trey jealous because, you know...

she thought that Trey
secretly liked Erin Hannabry.

But Trey didn't like Erin Hannabry.
It was all a bunch of bull.

- What is happening?
- That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend.

This is classic Tammy.
Trey broke up with Tammy...

Charlie, you gotta stop, honestly.

- What are they talking about?
- Whoa!

- Where are they going?
- What the hell is this?

Oh, man! Ah, they did it.
They got what they wanted.

- This is bullshit.
- So wait a second.

They were actually using you two...

to make each other jealous.

I always knew that they'd wind up together,
'cause they're, like, so perfect for each other.

- Shut up, Charlie!
- They're one of those perfect matches.

- That dude's gonna bang your prom date, bro.
- Stop saying it!

- It's not funny!
- Hey, why are you such an asshole all the time?

I'm not the asshole. You guys are the ones
that just got dumped on prom night.

- You got dumped on prom night!
- You were gonna go stag.

- Yes, I was. Absolutely.
- How old are you, dude?

- I am 28 years old.
- You're a piece of crap!

- I'm not a piece of crap! You're a piece of crap.
- I have to pee.

Stop it. Go pee.

I hate you, Charlie.

Just like high school.