It Takes a Thief (1968–1970): Season 2, Episode 1 - One Night on Soledade - full transcript

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---
I think I always will.

Well, Linda, my love, I drink
to your astonishing beauty.

A night like this, splendid
wine, and you... And lobster tails.

[laughs]

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Delicious.

Mmm. Yes, it is.
You know your cook is a genius.

[music].

[coughing].

[coughing].

[knocking]



[screams]

[comedic music]

(sobbing)

Take everything off the table.
Arrest them. All of them.

You too, madame, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry, my dear, but he
might have been poisoned.

And if he was, the old
man would declare war,

and the entire western
hemisphere would blow up.

I understand.

I promise I'll have you
released in no time at all.

Shall we?

[music].

[It takes a Thief theme]

[music].



Oh, look, Al, I'm not asking you to spy.
I'm just asking you to steal.

(bell door ringing)

Come on in, gorgeous.

You're early.

I'm basking the pheasant.

Make yourself at home.

On the couch. And, uh, save a little
room for me, will you, sweetheart?

I will, but I think your plans
may require a slight adjustment.

I hope you're not too
terribly disappointed.

Oh, no.

Anyway, you're going to have to cancel your
plans. We have a crisis in the Caribbean.

Uh, no, I am preparing
pheasant a la Monday.

How nice.

Yes, the sauce alone takes
over a week, and the pheasant is

nothing compared to what's
going to be walking in that door.

Sorry, but Pierre Duchamp
has been found dead.

Oh, that's too bad. I hope he
didn't die of anything too serious.

This is serious. You evidently don't
realize who Pierre Duchamp is or was.

A dictator's son.

Soledad.

A bad guy in a bad place.

Now, I don't think there's any reason
to fly the flags at half-mast over that.

No, but we've received a report he may have
been poisoned, and if that turns out to be true

and his old man gets wind of it, he'll naturally
suspect the friendly folk over in Castoro.

Well, we have substantial commitments.

You're learning all the basics, aren't you?
Jamie McHugh will be delighted.

Well, I'm glad.

Who's Jamie McHugh?

Our top expert on Soledad.
You'll be working together on this one.

Not if it means going to Soledad.

I understand that they break your legs just
for going through stop signs down there.

That's just rumor.
There aren't any stop signs on Soledad.

On anything.

That must be Jamie McHugh now.

Well, I hope he works well
alone, because nothing is going

to persuade me to set one
foot inside of Soledad. Nothing.

Come on in, McHugh.

Jamie McHugh, meet Al Mundy.

Hi, what are you drinking?

Oh, a Trinidad tornado.

Oh.

If you know how to make it.

You're Jamie McHugh?

Heard a great deal about you.
Looking forward to working with you.

Oh, she's beautiful, Noah, but this
isn't going to work out. Not this time.

It's nothing personal, you see.
It's just that I've been around the

track with Mr. Bain a few other
times on these little surprises of his.

He's very good, Al.

I can imagine.

There's no one in our organization
who knows more about Soledad.

Noah.

Al.

No.

Yes.

Sit down, Jamie. We'll talk this over.

What do you want me to steal? Jewels?
Documents? National treasure? What?

We want you to steal Pierre Duchamp.

I thought you said he was dead.

That's right.
We want you to steal his body.

For a moment there, I
thought you said body.

That's right. And I
think your best cover

will be as an international
treasure hunter.

Because Soledad is packed with caves where
old pirates are supposed to Bury treasures.

Is she kidding?

And I suppose I pass you off as a little
chest that I dug up on the beach, huh?

I'll be your secretary.

Duchamp's body is in the catacombs
underneath the castle awaiting burial.

Now, we have to know if
he was poisoned because

we have to prepare for
any political eventuality.

I see. Well, why don't you
check the official autopsy?

There is none.

The people of Soledad are very
superstitious about such things.

Well, I have my own hang-ups
about body snatching, but...

I mean, what are we supposed to
do with it when we get it? Mount it?

No, we'll have a team of
doctors standing by to examine it.

I think we'll work very
well together, Mr. Mundy.

Okay, Noah. I'll get Duchamp for you.

But it has to be on my terms.

If they're reasonable.

Noah, the wolf pack that
runs Soledad isn't reasonable.

And I'm not going to set one foot on
that island until I have a foolproof front.

He's right, sir.
They check visitors very closely.

All right, you've made your point.
What do you need?

A tape recorder.

Okay, you can get that.

And a yacht. A hundred feet or better.

What did the pirates leave there mostly?

Emeralds.

A sack of emeralds, Noah.
Top quality. First class stones.

Now, just wait a minute.

I may be able to get you a couple of
industrial diamonds, but nothing more.

You don't seem to realize that I
have to sign for everything we use.

Noah, if you can only come
up with two industrial diamonds,

then you become the
big time treasure hunter.

And I wish you both a great deal of luck.

All right, all right. I'll see what I can
do about getting you a... Tape recorder.

A tape recorder.

A sack full of... Gems.

Gems.

Emeralds.

Emeralds, yes. And a boat of some kind.

A hundred footer. Remember that.

A hundred footer, if I can find one.

Now, about these points
here that I want to bring up...

Well, now that we've got this all
settled, I have a pheasant to attend to.

Do you realize that we are in the
middle of a strategic SIA briefing,

and that I have the right to demand
your full and undivided attention?

Will you be reasonable?

You wouldn't want me to burn my bird.

(upbeat music)

[Music].

(upbeat music)

- That is a beautiful yacht.

- It belongs to a man named Wilder,
Excellency, a treasure hunter by profession.

- Obviously a successful one.

- So it seems.

He's coming in for an
audience with you now.

- My poor dear son would
have loved a boat like that.

(sneezes)

- Your health, Excellency.

- Thank you.

Wilder, you said?

- Yes, Excellency.

He claims he knows where there's a cache
of gems on the island hidden by pirates.

He's got an old pirate map or something.

- Ah, another one of those, eh?

Well, let's hope he finds them.

- Mr. Alexander Wilder and Miss Jemmy Ball.

- Good afternoon, Your Excellency.

Very generous of you to see me.

- Not at all, my dear fellow.

We see far too few visitors nowadays.

Something to do with
my public image, I'm told.

And this is?

- This is my secretary, Your Excellency.

Miss Jemmy Ball.

- Oh, what a lovely young lady you are.

We have met before, have we?

- Oh, I think not, Your Excellency.

- Well, then we must really
get to know each other better.

- How kind of you, sir.

I'm sure we're going to love it here.

- I've just had a marvelous idea.

I'm giving a small
celebration tonight in memory

of my dear departed son,
a custom of our country.

Perhaps you would enjoy
being my guest, Miss Ball?

You too, of course, Mr. Wilder.

- Oh, thank you very much, Your Excellency.

- Ricardo, make all arrangements.

- What splendid ideas you have, Excellency.

Of course, I'll arrange it.

I'm Ricardo Salinas, Mr. Wilder.

- How do you do?

- I hear you're looking for treasures.

- Yes, I am.

That's my business.

- And you're good at it?

- Very good.

- Do you realize that
the state takes two

thirds of everything
you may find, Mr. Wilder?

- Yes, I understand that, sir.

A very generous
arrangement, I also might add.

- And we are extremely
inhospitable to those visitors

who would attempt to
improve upon the arrangement?

- I understand.

- Splendid.

Just as long as we fully
understand each other.

- Fully.

(gentle music).

- I'm not half as wicked as I'm painted.

You mustn't believe all those
terrible things you hear about me.

- Oh, Excellency.

Well, they always told me what
a marvelously good man you are.

- Oh, really?

Astonishing.

- These handsome young
men are all very well, my dear.

But I ask you, do they have
the kind of money I've got?

The kind I'm going to have very soon.

- Oh, does it have anything to do with...

- Oh, Carl, tell me more.

- All you need know, my
love, is that in a few days' time,

I'll be the richest man that
you ever met in your young life.

(Celine groans)

- Good evening, Senor Salinas.

- Mr. Wilder.

Have you two met?

- No, I haven't had the pleasure.

- Alexander Wilder, Miss Melinda Garcia.

(Celine groans)

- Things are looking up, aren't they?

- I have this immediate
feeling about people, Mr. Wilder.

And I just know you are a very kind man.

- Oh, thank you.

- Swinging place, Soledad.

- Yes.

If our beloved leader's dear, beloved son

were not lying dead
right under our very

feet, we'd really show
you how Soledad swings.

- Yes.

Poor fellow.

- Oh, it is very sad, really.

I was with him when he left us.

Just the two of us, dining.

He was always so kind to me.

- Cigarette?

- No, thank you.

- Ricardo!

Ricardo!

Come here a moment.

- Excuse me, my darling.

Tell me, does that
darling mean anything?

- Oh, no, of course not.

(Celine gasps)

It's just that, well, everyone
always seems to fall in love with me.

It's a sort of fatal effect I have on men.

- I can understand that.

Do you do anything about it?

- Well, of course, I have to.

I'm a very kind sort of person.

- Would you like to go
for a stroll in the garden?

- I think I want to be wonderful.

(gentle music)

(gentle music)

(water running)

(gentle music)

- Listen, uh,

I want you
to tell me about Pierre.

- What for?

- Well, I want to know the
kind of men that appeal to you.

- Oh, well, he was very
rich, and very clever, too.

- But he was minister of finance.

Then this isn't a very rich country.

Outside of this-- - Oh, but he told
me all that was going to change.

- Oh?

- I do not understand it.

But it was, uh,

something about going from the
gold standard

to the silver standard.

He told me he was going
to change all these things.

But I do not understand them.

- You know, I have a
feeling we're being watched.

- What a splendid evening
for romance, Mr. Wilde.

- That's just what I was thinking.

- Melinda, my love, wouldn't
you like to return to the guests?

I have a special interest in
that young woman, Mr. Wilde.

- I don't blame you.

- So keep away from her, if
you know what's good for you.

- Mr. Salinas, she's good for me.

I know the type.

- I warn you, Mr. Wilde--
- Don't bother.

- Let's see, she went that way.

Good night.

- Catch him!

- Mr. Wilde, you have
made a serious mistake.

And in Soledad, you are only allowed one.

(upbeat music)

- Wilde, I may as well tell you, we
have had treasure hunters here before,

and some of them have turned out to
be gun runners or political opportunists.

I do not like you, Mr. Wilde, so I
will be watching you very closely.

And it would give me great pleasure to
serve you up to His Excellency's dogs.

(dramatic music)

- Come on, step on it,
there are patrols around here.

(dramatic music)

Lights.

- Is this okay for you, doctors?

- There's not much room to work.

- Well, it'll have to do.

- Is it okay for you to
be away from the party?

- Gone with Al
away, too, it's all right.

[howling]

[music]

A wolf?

A watchdog.

There, up on the cliff, a signal.

He needs help. You'll have to go.

I could never explain my
presence if I were caught up there.

Think you can climb up that cliff?

[music]

[music]

Welcome to Fun City.

Watch your step.

[music]

[music]

[music]

Sanctuaries back home
would never like this.

The first time I get
you alone in a romantic

place and there's
somebody staring at us.

Frustrating, isn't it?
It keeps your mind on the job.

You take the feet.
Let's get him out of here.

[music]

[howling].

[howling]

[music]

[howling]

[music]

[howling]

[music]

You take it from here.

[music]

Any luck on the fingerprints
on that cigarette case?

Yes.

We radio photoed those prints
back to Washington. They sent word.

For what it's worth,
outside of yours and mine,

they belong to a man
named Ricardo Salinas.

Oh, that's great. I already know that.

But what you don't know is
that he's a local man and used

to work for one of our other
top secret organizations.

It still does?

Let's assume that maybe
he does once in a while.

Or, on the other hand, maybe he doesn't.

Well, thanks very much.

You're welcome.

In the meantime, when
those guards find that

ghost we left, we're
going to be in trouble.

Well, there's no danger.
The tape's running out by now anyway.

You think of everything, don't you?

Of course.

Tell me, what will the dictator
think when he finds that

both of us have left the
party for half the evening?

Now, you really don't want
me to answer that, do you?

Well, maybe we should...

I'll tell you when, Bubbler.

Yes.

Well, shall we find out
how they're doing inside?

[♪♪♪]

How's it going?

We're finished, Mr. Bain.

Good.

Now, was he poisoned or wasn't he?

No, Mr. Bain, he was not poisoned.

Not only was he not
poisoned, he's not even dead.

[♪♪♪].

[♪♪♪]

Not dead?

Definitely not dead.

He was given a rather rare drug
that induces a complete coma.

A coma that can last up to five days.

It can even produce a kind of rigor mortis.

Incomplete, of course.

It's a combination of triphenyl
ethyl botulate and uranotetraminide.

Uh, I see. Well, um...
There is an antidote.

I mean, we can bring him out of this coma.

Not too quickly, say in a few hours.

Oh, yes. Three grains of
acetyl bicarbonate of amphithep.

The important thing now is...
why this thing about the coma?

Somebody wanted him out of
commission for a while, that's why.

Well, it's no good to say why, is it?

No.

Or even who?

That's what you've got to find out.

Somebody's up to no good.

And if that somebody
lives over the border,

then we've still got
troubles on our hands.

Well, at least we know it
wasn't a murder attempt.

Maybe.

Suppose he was meant to be
in a coma until he was buried.

Did you ever stop to think about that?

No, and I don't want to.

Melinda was the last one that
was with him before he died.

If that's the word.

Maybe she's not telling
everything she knows.

Right. There's your first lead.

You said the island
folk were superstitious?

How would you like to take a little nap?

There's nothing to worry about.

All you have to do is lie still.

No.

Excuse me.

Have you seen Mr. Wilde, at Excellency?

He went off with Melinda just a few
moments ago, down to the beach, I imagine.

Lovely place, the beach.

Oh, relax, Salinas.

She's bound to come back to you

once that eager young man has
found his treasure and gone home.

To your marvelous beauty, my darling.

[Music]

[Laughter]

I thought you were going to
show me your hidden treasure.

Some of it.

[Music]

For you.

You like?

Oh, yes.

Well, there's more where that came from.

More?

Oh, and you will show me?

Oh, Al, you are always so kind to me.

[Music]

[music]

[Music]

Are you sure they won't
bring him around too soon?

I'm not sure at all.

Quite sure, Mr. Bain.

[Music]

Andreas?

[Music]

Oh, the poor dear man.

He was always so kind to me.

He's gone to a happier land, Melinda,

where he can eat all
the lobster tails he wants.

Oh, that's a wonderful thought, Al.

I'm so glad you think so.

[Music]

Need any help?

I don't think I can
handle this much myself.

[Music].

(beeping)

- Get the Brandy, Lieutenant.

- Yes, Colonel.

- Oh.

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music)

- Well, he seems to have
recovered almost immediately.

How about that?

- You turn to the other
patient, Lieutenant.

- Yes, sir, Colonel.

(suspenseful music)

- You all right?

- He was not dead after all, was he?

- No, he wasn't.

He gets around, doesn't he?

- What happened?

- I want you to tell me about it.

- I cannot tell you.

I am scared.

(suspenseful music)

- Don't worry about it, no.

It's as safe as Fort Knox, relax.

- No, I don't doubt it.

- Come on, tell me.

- Well, you see, it was like this.

My friend wanted to visit me the
same night I was dining with Pierre.

So he gave me some powder
to sprinkle over Pierre's lobster.

Well, it was just to make him
unconscious for a little while.

But then it turned out he was dead.

I'm glad he's still alive.

He was always so kind to me.

- You've got many friends,
haven't you, Melinda?

- It's because I'm
beautiful and very friendly.

- So then which one are we talking about?

- Oh, Ricardo.

Ricardo Salinas, of course.

Such a nice man.

He was always so very kind to me.

- Well, tell me, you know, with so
many young, handsome men around,

why would you be
attracted to Ricardo Salinas?

I mean, he isn't exactly
a young Apollo, is he?

- But all those handsome young
men do not have all that silver, do they?

- Silver?

- Bars of silver all stacked
up underneath his house.

He showed me.

And that makes a difference, doesn't it?

- Do you have even the vaguest
idea what she's talking about?

- More than vague.

Exact, I think.

I'll let you know when I find out.

- Oh, dear.

- What's the matter?

- Now that Pierre is alive,

he will know I tried to put
him out of the way for a while.

He will try to kill me.

- I won't let him.

I'm a very kind man, too.

- Oh, Al.

(dramatic music)

- All right, break it up.

We've got work to do.

- Now, you're really something else.

Something else.

- Now, you know what
you're gonna have to do?

- Don't tell me.

- I take the body back
where I found it, right?

- That's right.

- What was all that
about the bars of silver?

- Simple.

Salinas was using Melinda to
keep Pierre out of the way for a while.

It's as easy as all of that.

- But why, for heaven's sake?

- We'll get in a huddle, you
and I, and I'll tell you all about it.

- Melinda's going to be
something of a problem, you know.

She's right about the danger she's in.

Maybe you could think of something.

- No problem, no problem.

- Oh, no problem?

Tell me about it.

- Well, we take her
back to the States with us.

It's the kindest thing we could do.

We take her in as a political
refugee or something.

- As a political refugee, period.

- Okay.

As long as I get that
emerald back you gave her.

And by the way, where are the others?

- Ah, I gave them all to her.

- Departmental property, you gave--

- They're in good hands, Noah.

- I promise I'll never ask
you how you got them back.

- You're the soul of tact, Noah.

The soul of tact.

[music]

- Excellency, I was wondering
about our guest, Mr. Wilder.

- Oh?

- Yes, he doesn't seem to spend
much time among us, does he?

- Andreas, if it's Melinda you're really
worried about, why don't you give up?

There are so many other fish in the sea.

More, my love.

[music]

- Oh, and I thought you
were an expert on women.

I didn't think you could believe Melinda's
story about not trying to kill Pierre.

- Meaning, you didn't believe her?

- Well, not enough to
offer a political asylum.

- Well, I'm a very compassionate person.

And I have on several different occasions

given the opportunity
to various young ladies

to have a fresh start
in the United States.

- Sort of a private peace calling?

- Well, more in reverse.

I call it the Al Mundy Head Start Program.

[music]

- Adios, Mr. Wilder.

- Yes, that's the way
they train you, isn't it?

I understand perfectly.

- I work for a similar organization.

I don't know what your outfit is up to, but
you might say we were brothers in arms.

- An agent.

- And you wouldn't want
to shoot your own brother.

- So that's it.

Well, that's all the more reason
for me to get the interview, isn't it?

- Why don't I just leave?

- Stand still.

- Why don't we make a deal?

- You're in no position
to talk about deals.

- In silver bullion?

Or silver bars, perhaps?

- You do know too much, don't you?

- Well, I know you're
keeping quite a hoard of it.

- Is that why you had Pierre Duchamp
dining so intimately with Melinda?

To find out more of what you were up to?

- Salud, ma'am.

[music]

[gunshot]

[music]

- As you were saying.

- Let's move.

Let's get everything out of here.
Leave it just the way it was.

What about Poupapier here?

Well, we don't dare let these people
know we've interfered, so just leave them.

Right.

You and Jamie return to the party.

What for? I'm through here.

You've got to play out your cover story.

Your disappearance would raise
questions we don't want asked.

Don't you think you're pressing
my luck a little bit, Noah?

You might not get your medal.

We've no other choice.

Ah, good fellow. He's always
ready and willing to make a sacrifice.

It's usually me.

Come on, you can handle it.

All right, let's snap it up.

Oh, I must leave you.

Andreas!

Whatever happened to that
gorgeous young lady, Miss Ball?

I've hardly seen her all evening.

And I did so want to
get to know her better.

Looking for me, Your Excellency?

I was just admiring your beautiful gardens.

Ah, I'm so glad you liked them.

Perhaps you'll let me show
them to you one of these days.

That is, if that young man
of yours does not mind.

Oh, where is he, by the way?

Here I am, Your Excellency.

I've been admiring your beautiful gardens.

Oh, you too, eh?

Ah, Ricardo.

My goodness, what a sight you are.

What have you been up to?

Just admiring the garden's excellence.

What? All of you?

Your Excellency, when I was in the
gardens, I...

Oh, oh, hold this, please.

Hold this for me a moment.

While you were in the gardens, what?

I found... ...this,
Your Excellency.

I believe it belongs to Señor Salinas.

Take it, Salinas.

What's the matter with you?

Thank you.

I also found a man in a sort of a coma.

I'm not sure, but from the pictures
I've seen... .

..he looked like your son.

Andreas, get down there at once.

[Gasps]

Hello, Father.
Nice to see you looking so well.

I hope I'm not spoiling the celebrations.

Is it really you, Pierre?

Yes, Father, it's really me.

Forgive me if I've
altered the festive mood.

You all seem so much more
joyous before my resurrection.

To have one's friends gather in
happy memory of your departed spirit...

...is an honored tradition.

To attend such a celebration
in your own honor is not.

I assume you have some explanation?

Yes, I have.

Salinas, stay where you are.

As for you, Mr., uh...

Wilder. Alexander Wilder.

- Well, as for you, Mr. Wilder...
- Wait, Pierre. What is wrong?

Why do you wish to keep Salinas here?

He tried to kill me...
...in the catacombs.

He tried not to kill you.

I saw that shot. It was an obvious miss.

He wants to keep you alive.

Really? Why?

He wants to keep you out
of the way for a few days.

You're on the gold standard.

You're about to change to silver, correct?

That is a, uh, state secret, Mr. Wilder.

It was a state secret until
Mr. Salinas here found out about it.

He's been buying up
every silver bar in sight.

By the time they found
out that you were still alive...

...and that you changed the currency
standard, he would have made a killing.

Andreas, have the kindness to
take Salinas out into the gardens...

...and dispose of him.

Father, if you don't mind,
I would rather do it myself.

Andreas, hold Mr. Salinas for me.

Oh, my dear, my son. How marvelous!

And to think that I should have
been worried about the succession.

Beautiful, isn't it?
A chip off the old block.

And the doctor who declared you dead...

...don't you think that
we should get him too?

I don't see why not. But first...

Mr. Wilder, would you mind telling me
what you were doing in the catacombs?

I was merely hunting treasure.

Treasure?

Yes, that's why I came here.

That is a likely story.

Well, I can prove that. I, uh...
Found this cache of gems. Emeralds.

In the catacombs?

The arrangement was
two-thirds for you, one-third for me.

Except that I've changed my mind.

They are so beautifully green.

I'll take all of them, Mr. Wilder.

All of them.

Well... That's that.

No, not quite.

If you show me three of
them, there may probably be 30.

Or perhaps as many as 300.

Who knows the real magnitude
of your treasure, Mr. Wilder?

Well, you'll just have to take
my word for it, Your Excellency.

That's all I found. That's all I have.

You have a map.
You might use it to return here for more.

What would you say if I
held this young lady here?

What do I have to do to prove
to you that I'm telling the truth?

The map, Mr. Wilder. The map.

If I give you the map, will
you let her come with me?

You have my word for it.

And what about Melinda?

We have some unfinished business. You
don't mind if I take her with me, do you?

On the contrary, I never
want to see her again.

Well, goodbye, my darling.

I'd like to thank you for your
hospitality, Your Excellency.

Oh, not at all.

I'm sorry we couldn't stay longer.

Goodbye, my dear.

Goodbye.

Your Excellency.

My darling.

Have you ever been the guest
of honor at a state reception?

Soledad's Minister of
Finance, Pierre Duchamp,

has successfully changed that country's
currency standard from gold to silver.

In view of the world
gold situation, etc., etc.

Well, Salinas found out
he was about to do that

and needed a few
days to buy silver bullion.

That's why he had to make
sure that Pierre would stay alive.

Without a commission. It's simple.

Very simple.

And now, there's only one
more thing left to be done.

The emeralds, please.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

The dictator forced me
to give them back to him.

It's, um... It's
true, Mr. Bane.

I saw it.

And you mean to say you
didn't even try to get them back?

Oh, well... I'm a body
snatcher, not a pickpocket.

Will I be seen you again?

Oh, that's a shame.

Well... It is a shame.

We work so well together.

Well, just so you won't forget me.

I'm going to miss you terribly.

Terribly.

Goodbye, Al.

One day, perhaps.

Goodbye.

Departmental property, I think you said.

I think we better have
a long talk about this, Al.

I'll come back later,
Noah, for the lecture.

When the job is finished.

I thought it was finished.

I have to help a poor political
refugee move into her new home.

See ya.

I'll get you for that.

(dramatic music).

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