It Takes a Thief (1968–1970): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Lay of the Land - full transcript
Noah sends Al to break into a duchess's villa, not to steal her jewels, but the manuscript of her memoir.
[Music]
[Music]
Put it in the safe, Zizi. Be careful.
Remember, someday it will be yours.
You always say that and I
always answer, I don't want it.
Oh, you don't want it
because you don't need it.
At your age, jewels are
gilding the Lily, but when the Lily
is fading and yellowing,
then a little gilding is good.
That sounds to me like a
brazen plea for a compliment.
Oh, no. It's just reassurance.
Though, for what I really don't know,
most of the men I knew have gone to
their reward or are living happily
with their dull, unattractive wives.
[Alarm]
[Music]
[Music]
Oh, look, y'all, I'm not asking you to spy.
Just asking you to steal.
[Music].
[Music]
Magnificent form.
I just can't seem to get the hang of it.
Well, I'll show you how to
address the ball. Bend over.
Now, just relax.
You relax, too.
I'm just showing her how to putt.
[Music]
[Music]
Huh? And foul through right to the cup.
Oh, isn't that too bad?
That's $3,250,000 you owe me now.
Uh, how will I ever pay you?
I'll think of something.
No, you won't.
Now, don't you know better than to speak
when people are putting? Double or nothing?
Here's your assignment.
Now you're talking my language.
What's her problem?
She's writing her memoirs.
We want to know what's in them.
Memoirs? At her age?
Turn it over.
Oh, it's taken in 1925, huh?
That's right.
Well, as I was saying, uh...
In her day, the Duchess of Lambros was
one of the most famous women in Europe.
Good.
She was one of a kind. Witty, charming.
And as you can tell by
this picture, quite beautiful.
A talented hostess.
Isn't she a little old for me now, Noah?
She was one of the most
sought-after women of her time.
Sought-after and often caught.
Among her many admirers were
several important American diplomats.
Like who?
That's top secret.
What we want to know is how
much they whispered into her ear.
Are we in that business now, Noah?
Pillow talk?
When it comes to state secrets, yes.
Even though it was many years
ago, there are certain political matters
that our country would rather
not have revealed at this time.
Well, you don't have
to get so upset about it.
All right.
You want me to steal the memoirs, huh?
No, merely borrow them.
There's only one copy we understand,
and that's written in longhand.
You will take it, have it microfilmed,
return it, and send us the microfilm.
How soon will the book be published?
Not until the Duchess's death.
Has she been in poor health?
Not at all.
But you see, those memoirs
deal with some of the most
important men in Europe and
America of the past 40 years.
Kings, prime ministers, generals,
dictators, and the like, you know.
Anyway, these memoirs could
prove to be embarrassing to the West.
Therefore, our enemies would
like to have them published.
They may even try to
accelerate the publishing date.
By knocking her off.
Exactly.
Your cover story will be given to
you when you reach the Riviera.
The Riviera? I like that.
By the way, Al, the Duchess has at
least a million dollars' worth of jewelry.
given to her over the
years by her many admirers.
We're not interested in her jewels.
You're not interested?
We are not interested.
[music]
[music]
[music].
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[Music]
[Speaking in Spanish]
[Music]
- How do you do, Miss, uh...
- Chan. Laurie Chan.
Well, aren't you going to say it?
What?
That you used to know my father, Charlie.
[Music]
Your cover story will be that you're
the grandson of one of her former flames,
one Admiral Lionel Evans.
You were on the Riviera and you
decided to stop in and pay your respects.
Is my grandfather still alive?
No, he died of walnut blight in 1947.
Walnut blight?
Well, when he retired, he bought a ranch.
It had walnut trees.
The trees got the
blight, so did the Admiral.
I told him not to buy that ranch.
[Chuckles]
I've set up contact with the
people who do the microfilming
of the memoirs after
you've gotten hold of them.
Here's the name and address. Memorize it.
Got it.
Now eat it.
Eat it?
It's something new.
Bourbon, huh?
We have creme de menthe for the ladies.
Did you know, Alex,
when I was living in Capri,
your grandfather once
parked that big, silly
battleship of his
directly under my window
just so that he could come
up and say good night.
Sit down.
Thank you.
I understand that that was quite a scandal.
Oh, it was glorious.
I love a man of passion,
a man who couldn't throw caution
to the winds and damn the torpedoes.
I'm not going to talk
about it anymore because
I want you to read my
book when it's published.
What book?
Oh, I'm writing my memoirs.
Unfortunately, I won't be around to
enjoy the scandal they're going to cause
because the book is not to be
published until after my death.
Well, that'll be a long time from now.
Well, I hope so.
Is, uh, is it possible for me to see it?
No.
Well, couldn't I just see
the chapter on Grandfather?
No.
No one has read the book
except my grandniece, Zizi.
You met her?
No, I haven't had the opportunity.
Oh, you will.
You'll be my guest. You'll stay here.
Well, I wouldn't want to impose upon you.
Thank you just the same.
Men never say no to me.
Well, in that case, yes.
Is Zizi here?
As you can see, she is not.
Oh, may I introduce Count
Dimitri Stavro, Mr. Armand.
How do you do?
The Count and Zizi's fiancé.
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
Have you recovered from the
excitement of the other night?
I rather enjoyed it.
Several men tried unsuccessfully
to break into the villa.
At my age, I must assume
the motive was robbery.
If you will excuse me.
Yes. Pleasure.
You don't care for him much.
I loathe him.
But unfortunately, Zizi's very unworldly.
She's both grateful and
flattered by his attentions.
Well, I must go and rest.
Dinner is at nine, and you may
bring a young lady if you wish.
[MUSIC].
You were told never to come
here except in an emergency.
But I have news.
An American has come to
the estate and is staying there.
Describe him.
About six feet, slender,
brown hair, brown eyes.
Not blue?
No, brown.
Brown.
Brown.
I was mistaken.
Obviously.
You know who he is, what he does?
No.
He is a Jewel thief.
Sure.
This is no concern to us, except of course
that it may prove inconvenient to have
him in the house at this particular time.
I didn't know you had information.
There seems to be a great
deal that you do not know.
For example, that there is a radar
alarm device at the Duchess' estate.
You aristocrats are not only
decadent, but you are stupid.
Control yourself, Count, or you
won't get your check this month.
Well, now that you are here, have
you thought about our problem?
I have decided on poison.
Yeah, of course, magnificent.
So that when the Duchess
dies and there is an autopsy,
the whole world will know
she has been murdered.
Poison.
It must look like an accident.
She could fall out the window.
I guess we could do that.
I trust you're using the editorial "we.".
I am the accredited representative
of a free and independent
sovereign people's republic.
Murder is not among my duties.
When I said I would help, murder
was not among my duties either.
You've been promoted.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You know, it's rare to find a young
man nowadays who can really waltz.
It all depends on the partner.
Ah, there, you're right.
You're right, and it's the same in life as
it is in waltzing, especially for a woman.
A woman follows the
lead of the man she loves.
She follows in his
footsteps, just like waltzing.
Is that what you said to my grandfather?
Of course.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
What's the matter?
Well, I'm jealous of my grandfather.
Oh, what a charming compliment.
I approve.
I approve of
everything that is loving,
emotional, pertinent,
and of course, irrational.
I see you also have a practical side.
Oh, my jewels.
But I never had to ask for anything.
I didn't need to.
I had a secret.
I made every man feel that he was a king.
And believe me, some of them were.
You know, I know now why my
grandfather turned his battleship around.
Might I have the pleasure of a dance?
[MUSIC PLAYING].
I know I've seen him before.
See what you can find out about him.
How are you doing?
Oh, I'm having a wonderful time.
I meant professionally,
like when do you go to work?
Now, where is all of that oriental
Patience I've heard so much about?
Confucius say that is for the birds.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[FOOTSTEPS]
Would you like a dance?
Oh, no, thank you.
Christina dances enough for both of us.
She is really an extraordinary person.
Yes, so I've heard.
Tell me, she said that
you were the only one
outside of herself
that's read the memoirs.
That's right.
How does she treat my grandfather?
Didn't she also tell you
I've been sworn to secrecy?
You know, if there's that
much interest in them,
I would imagine that someone would
take quite a chance at getting
an advanced peek at them.
Well, they're adequately protected.
Oh, that's good.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
There is something you should
know about your American friend.
There's something you should know about me.
I never listen to gossip.
This is not gossip, it is fact.
Mr. Mundy is a Jewels thief.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You can ask your friends
in the police department.
[MUSIC PLAYING].
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Good morning.
Oh, good morning.
You're up early.
Help yourself.
Oh, no thanks.
I'll just have some coffee.
It's a beautiful morning.
You know, this is the first time I've
had a chance to talk with you alone.
About what?
You're very direct, aren't you?
Well, I suppose I am.
I've never given it much thought.
Are you enjoying your visit?
Very much.
My aunt likes you.
Well, I'm glad to hear that, because
I find her a very enchanting woman.
Everyone does, from 6 to 60.
Well, that must run in the family.
Oh, compliments so early in the morning?
Even my fiance isn't that energetic.
Well, I'm not number one, so I try harder.
You know, I've never seen your countryside.
Oh, I can recommend a very good guide.
Not as good as the one I have in mind.
You can relax, Mr. Mundy.
I never compete with Christina.
That's a shame.
Good morning.
Good morning.
How are you this morning?
Fine.
I thought I'd take a little drive
in the beautiful morning air.
Would you care to come with me?
Oh, I'd be delighted.
It's such a lovely way to start the day,
so peaceful and serene.
Oh, there's nothing I like so much
as a nice, quiet drive in the country.
[ENGINE REVVING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Breathe in deeply through the nose.
[ENGINE REVVING]
You do this every day?
Every day, rain or shine.
They tell me you're a thief.
A Jewel thief of international repute.
You flatter me.
You don't deny it, then?
No, I'm the black sheep of the
family, but that's not why I'm here.
Why are you here?
I came here to meet the lady that
almost got my grandfather court-martialed.
Don't you believe me?
I'm not sure.
In that case, do you want me to leave, or
do you want to drive us both off the cliff?
Neither.
I like your company.
You-- you amuse me, as long
as you don't plow your trade here.
Thank you.
Not at all.
Some of my best friends are Jewel thieves.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[music]
[music].
[MUSIC PLAYING].
(upbeat music).
[music]
Good afternoon.
I told the Duchess the
American was a Jewel thief.
Why?
So she would get rid of him.
Did she?
Not yet.
Just as well.
I have a plan.
The American will kill the Duchess.
A black eye for Washington and
the memoir is published immediately.
He won't kill her. Why should he?
Hmm.
He doesn't have to do it.
All that is necessary is for it
to look as if he has killed her.
What the Americans call
in their slang, a frame-up.
Now, we go over the details.
And I can assure you, my dear Count,
this time if you fail, you will
not receive another chance.
Here.
Our agent Andre passes Zizi's window,
dressed in the American's clothes.
How does Andre get the American's clothes?
Steal one of his coats.
I see.
You see Andre and you
rush out to pursue him.
But you do not really pursue him.
Instead, you go in here, the
Duchess' room, and you kill her.
Meanwhile, Andre goes
by the American's room,
awakening him by
making just too much noise.
And the American chases Andre.
Andre stays just far enough ahead
that he can get into the Duchess' room
and disappear through
this secret passageway,
leaving the American
alone in the Duchess' room.
Now, while all that is going
on, you go back to Zizi's room,
and now you lead her to the Duchess' room.
And what is wrong?
I have to be in Zizi's bedroom?
Of course.
It's impossible.
I'm not allowed in her bedroom.
My dear Count, you are a hot-blooded man.
You have been driven mad
at the sight of your beloved.
You throw caution to the winds.
You find yourself in her room,
gripped by a power greater than you.
There is no such power.
Ah, but there is.
The power of the state which I represent.
The power of life and death.
You want to live?
Of course.
But if lust will not move
you, let fear compel you.
I see.
Good.
Now, the Duchess is dead, the
jewels are missing, Andre has taken them,
and the American has been discovered
by you and Zizi in the Duchess' room.
Now there's no time to lose. Go.
[music]
What is it now, my dear Count?
There is a Chinese girl out there.
Well?
She met me with the American.
If she sees me...
Go out the back way.
We will take care of the girl.
[music]
[music]
I'd like to speak to Mr. Al Mundy, please.
Hang up.
Now move.
[music]
[music]
[music]
Looking for something?
[music]
What are you doing here?
Believe it or not, I came to return this.
But how did you get it?
Your aunt slipped it into my pocket
when we were out driving this morning.
That's ridiculous. Really, Mr. Mundy.
You don't think I'd
make up a story like that.
If you were caught
in the act of stealing
and couldn't think of
something better, yes.
If I were going after
jewels, I wouldn't stop at this.
Here. It's all yours.
Wait here.
I want Christina to know about this.
But first I'll put this in the safe.
Turn around.
And don't watch me.
If you try anything or make
a move, I'll set off the alarm.
[music]
[music]
Yes, I did put the bracelet in his pocket.
Why?
I wanted to see what he would do.
By the way, what did you do?
He gave it to me and I put it in the safe.
And he watched you?
No.
Well, Mr. Mundy, you have passed the test.
Would you like tea or coffee?
I merely want the answers to
some very simple questions.
Who is...
An American.
Yes, an American.
And how did you get to know each other?
He's an attractive man.
And you're a beautiful woman.
It was very natural.
You were drawn together.
The truth is that I'd
like to live in America.
- If he'd marry me, then I'd be...
- Then you would be an American citizen.
I must warn you.
Things are very bad there.
Most of them are starving.
That is what I read in our newspapers.
You're very fond of Mr. Mundy, hmm?
Is it purely physical or does it go deeper?
Deeper.
Then tell Mr. Mundy
to leave if you love him.
Why?
Yankee go home. That's all.
It will be better for him there.
Will you tell him that?
No.
Will you tell him that Stavro
and I know each other?
Why should I?
Because you are an American agent.
I am not.
I am very pleased to hear
you say that, Miss Chan.
Thank you.
Please.
You're free to go.
Follow her.
(door slams).
[Music]
Here, give me time to get to Zizi's room.
Good, hurry it up, huh?
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music].
[Music]
Who's there?
Darling, it's me.
I was thinking about you.
I can't stand it, I had this feeling.
You're drunk!
Yes, but with your beauty.
You're mad!
Yes, with passion.
Come on!
Now go away!
Is that the right time?
The right time!
Oh, star, now you've really slipped.
Now go away and let me get some sleep.
I adore you.
I couldn't live another
moment without you, Zizi.
Marry me.
Oh, star, you've changed so much.
Give me some time to adjust to it.
When will you give me your answer?
Tomorrow?
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
Would you be so kind as to
remove this creature from my room?
But who is he?
I don't know.
And I don't care.
I don't care for any man who
forces his way into a lady's boudoir
and then collapses in a dead faint
without accomplishing his purpose.
Well, was the Admiral really a swinger?
I haven't gotten to him yet.
But a lot of others
were, I can tell you that.
I never got a good look at him.
But it must have been Mundy.
Is he in his room?
No, he's not in his room.
He's gone.
The manuscript's gone.
The Duchess just looked in the safe.
I think I know where I can find him.
And the manuscript.
You say the Chinese girl is
in the photographer's shop?
That is right.
This is about as racy
as a Little Orphan Annie.
There's nothing in the
whole book that could
possibly reflect
against us politically.
Maybe the Duchess wasn't
such a hot broad after all.
Now what kind of language is
that for a nice girl like you to use?
I'm surprised. Hot broad?
All right.
Confucius says maybe
Duchess Lady great big phony.
That's better.
Only she wasn't a great big phony.
I did some research on her
on the plane coming over.
She was there all right,
the toast of every continent.
I don't get it then.
She's a very ethical woman.
It's as simple as that.
Noah Bain will be relieved to know that.
So will a lot of other people.
When you get finished with that
part of the manuscript, I'll take it back.
[door breaking]
Don't move!
Don't bother to knock.
Thank you.
Thank you very much for getting it for us.
Here. This is the best part.
I'm sorry to spoil this happy occasion,
but you're in for a big disappointment.
What do you mean?
There's nothing that can
embarrass our country at all in that.
So you can tell your henchman
to put that heater down.
There's nothing worth
fighting for in that manuscript.
Go ahead.
Read it. I'll wait.
So you think I am, as you Americans say in
your slang, barking up the wrong tree, yes?
You could say that.
Now, why don't we just bid
our fond farewells and forget it?
Because I have a better idea.
[Music]
Admiral Evans's grandson, indeed.
Ho, ho!
You're a pretty fair con artist yourself.
Politically explosive memoirs?
Well, it's a cold world, my dear.
And a poor, helpless old woman
has to get along as best she can.
If I can get a bigger advance
for my publisher by letting
him believe that my memoirs
are of a certain nature...
But why, Christina? You're a wealthy woman.
Whilst, my dear, I've had to
sell some of my jewelry in order to
maintain the standard of living to
which we have grown accustomed.
As a matter of fact, that bracelet I
slipped into your pocket...
Was a paste.
How did you know?
Don't feel badly.
It was an excellent piece of work.
It would have fooled any amateur.
Besides, I figured you
were too smart to take
a chance to pass off
the real thing on me.
What real thing?
Why are you still here?
Mr. Mundy told me you've read my memoirs.
You must know there's nothing in it
that could possibly be of use to you.
Ah, but there will be.
When you add in your own handwriting certain
material which I will dictate to you.
You're not serious.
I'm more serious.
Do you mean to say that
you're going to force me to...
My dear lady, I don't intend
to force you to do anything.
You will do it willingly to
protect your niece from harm.
You're even more repulsive than
I could have believed possible.
Milo, take them to the cellar.
The Duchess and I do
not wish to be disturbed.
You stay here.
You heard him.
(footsteps)
Well, please, sit down.
What do you want of me?
You are most valuable to us, Stavro.
You are our only disinterested
eyewitness to the fact
that the Duchess has sold
us her memoirs voluntarily.
And that we have not tampered
with them at all prior to publication.
Any idea why they didn't lock
your future husband up with us?
He's not my future
husband anymore.
Well, that's one good thing
that's happened lately.
When they get what they
want from Christina they'll...
Well I mean they just can't let
her go can they?
No they can't.
They can't let us go either.
They'll have to kill all of us.
Well not really.
They might stash us
away in a nice quiet prison if we don't
get out of here before Christina finishes.
How can we go without them?
I can open up the lock all right.
All I've got to do is get that guard
over near the door so I can nail him.
Got a match?
Yes.
That's the end of that
game.
The prime minister took me in his arms and
our lips met in a burning kiss.
You really have a
very trashy mind.
Go on, what happens next?
I will call my superiors to see exactly what more
interesting reminiscences
they would like to
include in your memoirs, dear lady.
You realize the
consequences of any foolish move?
I regret madam that I have been placed in this
awkward position.
Your position will be more than awkward when they
have no further use for you.
It'll be fatal.
- What do you mean?
Well you don't suppose they're going
to let you stay alive so
that you can blackmail
them do you? I should have.
thought a man of your intelligence
would have figured that out for himself.
You've got to get him
out of there.
How?
The same way you get any
man interested in you.
But I never have.
You mean uh you never picked up a man?
No.
Well, um...
We'll have a crash course.
All right?
You go over to the door and uh...
smile, you know, and
uh... be charming.
Tell him
uh tell him I want to
talk with you.
All right?
All right I'll try.
[footsteps]
Hey Mr. Guard?
I uh I'd like to talk to you.
You're joking.
[footsteps].
I told you. I'm not the
enticing type.
Well you're
a woman you must have
had some basic training.
No I always avoid...
I mean...
I mean to
me the intellect was was always the...
- You've got to get that man's interest.
- I don't know how.
Don't you understand?
I just don't know how.
It's easy.
Inexperience doesn't
necessarily mean inability.
[music].
Now...
go introduce that guard
to the Zizi I just met. All right?
Hey!
Mr. Guard?
I'm talking to you.
[music]
Everything under control?
Yes sir.
Good.
[footsteps]
What do we do now?
Three more seconds and
you would have had him.
How are you at fainting?
How's this?
Hey uh you got some water she just fainted.
Look at that.
How did I do?
You were a smash.
I have here a few little
passages the political
commissar would like
you to add to your memoirs.
What sort of passages?
Well the kind you let everyone to
believe were there in the first place.
I I will dictate them to you.
We'll take it on exactly as I say. Yes?
Yes.
In chapter 11.
Chapter 11.
Chapter paragraph one.
Paragraph one.
Insert the following.
During late supper one night.
During late supper one night.
With the United States ambassadors.
Oh with the United States ambassador.
He confided to me that...
What a bore and together we
could have written a bestseller.
Goodbye madam.
You're not leaving yet?
But they've still got seize Mr. Mundy.
Well as you said before it's a cold
world and a man must look after himself.
But she's your fiancee.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
Well I wish her the best of luck
but I'm afraid I've run out of all mine.
You wait here.
I'll check and see what
the score is upstairs.
Franz.
Whatever is going on
down there you can't get out.
Paul what's going on here?
I don't know.
I was going to ask you.
Come with me we'll find out.
The duchess is coming down the stairs.
Drop your gun.
Come over here both of you.
[Music]
Oh, Bravo!
[Music]
Oh, you must show me how to do that.
I'll be glad to.
[Music]
What's that?
[Music]
Must be Count Stravro, making
his getaway, as you call it, in my car.
[Music]
To a charming hostess, a good
alley fighter, and a best-selling author.
Here, here.
Thank you, thank you. You're all too kind.
I have to be at the airport in ten minutes.
Where's Zizi?
She said she was going to do some shopping.
Oh?
[Music]
She did indeed.
Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late.
What time does the plane leave?
What plane?
[Music]
At last, someone to
carry on in my tradition.
(upbeat music).
[Music]
Put it in the safe, Zizi. Be careful.
Remember, someday it will be yours.
You always say that and I
always answer, I don't want it.
Oh, you don't want it
because you don't need it.
At your age, jewels are
gilding the Lily, but when the Lily
is fading and yellowing,
then a little gilding is good.
That sounds to me like a
brazen plea for a compliment.
Oh, no. It's just reassurance.
Though, for what I really don't know,
most of the men I knew have gone to
their reward or are living happily
with their dull, unattractive wives.
[Alarm]
[Music]
[Music]
Oh, look, y'all, I'm not asking you to spy.
Just asking you to steal.
[Music].
[Music]
Magnificent form.
I just can't seem to get the hang of it.
Well, I'll show you how to
address the ball. Bend over.
Now, just relax.
You relax, too.
I'm just showing her how to putt.
[Music]
[Music]
Huh? And foul through right to the cup.
Oh, isn't that too bad?
That's $3,250,000 you owe me now.
Uh, how will I ever pay you?
I'll think of something.
No, you won't.
Now, don't you know better than to speak
when people are putting? Double or nothing?
Here's your assignment.
Now you're talking my language.
What's her problem?
She's writing her memoirs.
We want to know what's in them.
Memoirs? At her age?
Turn it over.
Oh, it's taken in 1925, huh?
That's right.
Well, as I was saying, uh...
In her day, the Duchess of Lambros was
one of the most famous women in Europe.
Good.
She was one of a kind. Witty, charming.
And as you can tell by
this picture, quite beautiful.
A talented hostess.
Isn't she a little old for me now, Noah?
She was one of the most
sought-after women of her time.
Sought-after and often caught.
Among her many admirers were
several important American diplomats.
Like who?
That's top secret.
What we want to know is how
much they whispered into her ear.
Are we in that business now, Noah?
Pillow talk?
When it comes to state secrets, yes.
Even though it was many years
ago, there are certain political matters
that our country would rather
not have revealed at this time.
Well, you don't have
to get so upset about it.
All right.
You want me to steal the memoirs, huh?
No, merely borrow them.
There's only one copy we understand,
and that's written in longhand.
You will take it, have it microfilmed,
return it, and send us the microfilm.
How soon will the book be published?
Not until the Duchess's death.
Has she been in poor health?
Not at all.
But you see, those memoirs
deal with some of the most
important men in Europe and
America of the past 40 years.
Kings, prime ministers, generals,
dictators, and the like, you know.
Anyway, these memoirs could
prove to be embarrassing to the West.
Therefore, our enemies would
like to have them published.
They may even try to
accelerate the publishing date.
By knocking her off.
Exactly.
Your cover story will be given to
you when you reach the Riviera.
The Riviera? I like that.
By the way, Al, the Duchess has at
least a million dollars' worth of jewelry.
given to her over the
years by her many admirers.
We're not interested in her jewels.
You're not interested?
We are not interested.
[music]
[music]
[music].
[music]
[Music]
[Speaking in Spanish]
[Music]
- How do you do, Miss, uh...
- Chan. Laurie Chan.
Well, aren't you going to say it?
What?
That you used to know my father, Charlie.
[Music]
Your cover story will be that you're
the grandson of one of her former flames,
one Admiral Lionel Evans.
You were on the Riviera and you
decided to stop in and pay your respects.
Is my grandfather still alive?
No, he died of walnut blight in 1947.
Walnut blight?
Well, when he retired, he bought a ranch.
It had walnut trees.
The trees got the
blight, so did the Admiral.
I told him not to buy that ranch.
[Chuckles]
I've set up contact with the
people who do the microfilming
of the memoirs after
you've gotten hold of them.
Here's the name and address. Memorize it.
Got it.
Now eat it.
Eat it?
It's something new.
Bourbon, huh?
We have creme de menthe for the ladies.
Did you know, Alex,
when I was living in Capri,
your grandfather once
parked that big, silly
battleship of his
directly under my window
just so that he could come
up and say good night.
Sit down.
Thank you.
I understand that that was quite a scandal.
Oh, it was glorious.
I love a man of passion,
a man who couldn't throw caution
to the winds and damn the torpedoes.
I'm not going to talk
about it anymore because
I want you to read my
book when it's published.
What book?
Oh, I'm writing my memoirs.
Unfortunately, I won't be around to
enjoy the scandal they're going to cause
because the book is not to be
published until after my death.
Well, that'll be a long time from now.
Well, I hope so.
Is, uh, is it possible for me to see it?
No.
Well, couldn't I just see
the chapter on Grandfather?
No.
No one has read the book
except my grandniece, Zizi.
You met her?
No, I haven't had the opportunity.
Oh, you will.
You'll be my guest. You'll stay here.
Well, I wouldn't want to impose upon you.
Thank you just the same.
Men never say no to me.
Well, in that case, yes.
Is Zizi here?
As you can see, she is not.
Oh, may I introduce Count
Dimitri Stavro, Mr. Armand.
How do you do?
The Count and Zizi's fiancé.
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
Have you recovered from the
excitement of the other night?
I rather enjoyed it.
Several men tried unsuccessfully
to break into the villa.
At my age, I must assume
the motive was robbery.
If you will excuse me.
Yes. Pleasure.
You don't care for him much.
I loathe him.
But unfortunately, Zizi's very unworldly.
She's both grateful and
flattered by his attentions.
Well, I must go and rest.
Dinner is at nine, and you may
bring a young lady if you wish.
[MUSIC].
You were told never to come
here except in an emergency.
But I have news.
An American has come to
the estate and is staying there.
Describe him.
About six feet, slender,
brown hair, brown eyes.
Not blue?
No, brown.
Brown.
Brown.
I was mistaken.
Obviously.
You know who he is, what he does?
No.
He is a Jewel thief.
Sure.
This is no concern to us, except of course
that it may prove inconvenient to have
him in the house at this particular time.
I didn't know you had information.
There seems to be a great
deal that you do not know.
For example, that there is a radar
alarm device at the Duchess' estate.
You aristocrats are not only
decadent, but you are stupid.
Control yourself, Count, or you
won't get your check this month.
Well, now that you are here, have
you thought about our problem?
I have decided on poison.
Yeah, of course, magnificent.
So that when the Duchess
dies and there is an autopsy,
the whole world will know
she has been murdered.
Poison.
It must look like an accident.
She could fall out the window.
I guess we could do that.
I trust you're using the editorial "we.".
I am the accredited representative
of a free and independent
sovereign people's republic.
Murder is not among my duties.
When I said I would help, murder
was not among my duties either.
You've been promoted.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You know, it's rare to find a young
man nowadays who can really waltz.
It all depends on the partner.
Ah, there, you're right.
You're right, and it's the same in life as
it is in waltzing, especially for a woman.
A woman follows the
lead of the man she loves.
She follows in his
footsteps, just like waltzing.
Is that what you said to my grandfather?
Of course.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
What's the matter?
Well, I'm jealous of my grandfather.
Oh, what a charming compliment.
I approve.
I approve of
everything that is loving,
emotional, pertinent,
and of course, irrational.
I see you also have a practical side.
Oh, my jewels.
But I never had to ask for anything.
I didn't need to.
I had a secret.
I made every man feel that he was a king.
And believe me, some of them were.
You know, I know now why my
grandfather turned his battleship around.
Might I have the pleasure of a dance?
[MUSIC PLAYING].
I know I've seen him before.
See what you can find out about him.
How are you doing?
Oh, I'm having a wonderful time.
I meant professionally,
like when do you go to work?
Now, where is all of that oriental
Patience I've heard so much about?
Confucius say that is for the birds.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[FOOTSTEPS]
Would you like a dance?
Oh, no, thank you.
Christina dances enough for both of us.
She is really an extraordinary person.
Yes, so I've heard.
Tell me, she said that
you were the only one
outside of herself
that's read the memoirs.
That's right.
How does she treat my grandfather?
Didn't she also tell you
I've been sworn to secrecy?
You know, if there's that
much interest in them,
I would imagine that someone would
take quite a chance at getting
an advanced peek at them.
Well, they're adequately protected.
Oh, that's good.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
There is something you should
know about your American friend.
There's something you should know about me.
I never listen to gossip.
This is not gossip, it is fact.
Mr. Mundy is a Jewels thief.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You can ask your friends
in the police department.
[MUSIC PLAYING].
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Good morning.
Oh, good morning.
You're up early.
Help yourself.
Oh, no thanks.
I'll just have some coffee.
It's a beautiful morning.
You know, this is the first time I've
had a chance to talk with you alone.
About what?
You're very direct, aren't you?
Well, I suppose I am.
I've never given it much thought.
Are you enjoying your visit?
Very much.
My aunt likes you.
Well, I'm glad to hear that, because
I find her a very enchanting woman.
Everyone does, from 6 to 60.
Well, that must run in the family.
Oh, compliments so early in the morning?
Even my fiance isn't that energetic.
Well, I'm not number one, so I try harder.
You know, I've never seen your countryside.
Oh, I can recommend a very good guide.
Not as good as the one I have in mind.
You can relax, Mr. Mundy.
I never compete with Christina.
That's a shame.
Good morning.
Good morning.
How are you this morning?
Fine.
I thought I'd take a little drive
in the beautiful morning air.
Would you care to come with me?
Oh, I'd be delighted.
It's such a lovely way to start the day,
so peaceful and serene.
Oh, there's nothing I like so much
as a nice, quiet drive in the country.
[ENGINE REVVING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Breathe in deeply through the nose.
[ENGINE REVVING]
You do this every day?
Every day, rain or shine.
They tell me you're a thief.
A Jewel thief of international repute.
You flatter me.
You don't deny it, then?
No, I'm the black sheep of the
family, but that's not why I'm here.
Why are you here?
I came here to meet the lady that
almost got my grandfather court-martialed.
Don't you believe me?
I'm not sure.
In that case, do you want me to leave, or
do you want to drive us both off the cliff?
Neither.
I like your company.
You-- you amuse me, as long
as you don't plow your trade here.
Thank you.
Not at all.
Some of my best friends are Jewel thieves.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[music]
[music].
[MUSIC PLAYING].
(upbeat music).
[music]
Good afternoon.
I told the Duchess the
American was a Jewel thief.
Why?
So she would get rid of him.
Did she?
Not yet.
Just as well.
I have a plan.
The American will kill the Duchess.
A black eye for Washington and
the memoir is published immediately.
He won't kill her. Why should he?
Hmm.
He doesn't have to do it.
All that is necessary is for it
to look as if he has killed her.
What the Americans call
in their slang, a frame-up.
Now, we go over the details.
And I can assure you, my dear Count,
this time if you fail, you will
not receive another chance.
Here.
Our agent Andre passes Zizi's window,
dressed in the American's clothes.
How does Andre get the American's clothes?
Steal one of his coats.
I see.
You see Andre and you
rush out to pursue him.
But you do not really pursue him.
Instead, you go in here, the
Duchess' room, and you kill her.
Meanwhile, Andre goes
by the American's room,
awakening him by
making just too much noise.
And the American chases Andre.
Andre stays just far enough ahead
that he can get into the Duchess' room
and disappear through
this secret passageway,
leaving the American
alone in the Duchess' room.
Now, while all that is going
on, you go back to Zizi's room,
and now you lead her to the Duchess' room.
And what is wrong?
I have to be in Zizi's bedroom?
Of course.
It's impossible.
I'm not allowed in her bedroom.
My dear Count, you are a hot-blooded man.
You have been driven mad
at the sight of your beloved.
You throw caution to the winds.
You find yourself in her room,
gripped by a power greater than you.
There is no such power.
Ah, but there is.
The power of the state which I represent.
The power of life and death.
You want to live?
Of course.
But if lust will not move
you, let fear compel you.
I see.
Good.
Now, the Duchess is dead, the
jewels are missing, Andre has taken them,
and the American has been discovered
by you and Zizi in the Duchess' room.
Now there's no time to lose. Go.
[music]
What is it now, my dear Count?
There is a Chinese girl out there.
Well?
She met me with the American.
If she sees me...
Go out the back way.
We will take care of the girl.
[music]
[music]
I'd like to speak to Mr. Al Mundy, please.
Hang up.
Now move.
[music]
[music]
[music]
Looking for something?
[music]
What are you doing here?
Believe it or not, I came to return this.
But how did you get it?
Your aunt slipped it into my pocket
when we were out driving this morning.
That's ridiculous. Really, Mr. Mundy.
You don't think I'd
make up a story like that.
If you were caught
in the act of stealing
and couldn't think of
something better, yes.
If I were going after
jewels, I wouldn't stop at this.
Here. It's all yours.
Wait here.
I want Christina to know about this.
But first I'll put this in the safe.
Turn around.
And don't watch me.
If you try anything or make
a move, I'll set off the alarm.
[music]
[music]
Yes, I did put the bracelet in his pocket.
Why?
I wanted to see what he would do.
By the way, what did you do?
He gave it to me and I put it in the safe.
And he watched you?
No.
Well, Mr. Mundy, you have passed the test.
Would you like tea or coffee?
I merely want the answers to
some very simple questions.
Who is...
An American.
Yes, an American.
And how did you get to know each other?
He's an attractive man.
And you're a beautiful woman.
It was very natural.
You were drawn together.
The truth is that I'd
like to live in America.
- If he'd marry me, then I'd be...
- Then you would be an American citizen.
I must warn you.
Things are very bad there.
Most of them are starving.
That is what I read in our newspapers.
You're very fond of Mr. Mundy, hmm?
Is it purely physical or does it go deeper?
Deeper.
Then tell Mr. Mundy
to leave if you love him.
Why?
Yankee go home. That's all.
It will be better for him there.
Will you tell him that?
No.
Will you tell him that Stavro
and I know each other?
Why should I?
Because you are an American agent.
I am not.
I am very pleased to hear
you say that, Miss Chan.
Thank you.
Please.
You're free to go.
Follow her.
(door slams).
[Music]
Here, give me time to get to Zizi's room.
Good, hurry it up, huh?
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music].
[Music]
Who's there?
Darling, it's me.
I was thinking about you.
I can't stand it, I had this feeling.
You're drunk!
Yes, but with your beauty.
You're mad!
Yes, with passion.
Come on!
Now go away!
Is that the right time?
The right time!
Oh, star, now you've really slipped.
Now go away and let me get some sleep.
I adore you.
I couldn't live another
moment without you, Zizi.
Marry me.
Oh, star, you've changed so much.
Give me some time to adjust to it.
When will you give me your answer?
Tomorrow?
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
Would you be so kind as to
remove this creature from my room?
But who is he?
I don't know.
And I don't care.
I don't care for any man who
forces his way into a lady's boudoir
and then collapses in a dead faint
without accomplishing his purpose.
Well, was the Admiral really a swinger?
I haven't gotten to him yet.
But a lot of others
were, I can tell you that.
I never got a good look at him.
But it must have been Mundy.
Is he in his room?
No, he's not in his room.
He's gone.
The manuscript's gone.
The Duchess just looked in the safe.
I think I know where I can find him.
And the manuscript.
You say the Chinese girl is
in the photographer's shop?
That is right.
This is about as racy
as a Little Orphan Annie.
There's nothing in the
whole book that could
possibly reflect
against us politically.
Maybe the Duchess wasn't
such a hot broad after all.
Now what kind of language is
that for a nice girl like you to use?
I'm surprised. Hot broad?
All right.
Confucius says maybe
Duchess Lady great big phony.
That's better.
Only she wasn't a great big phony.
I did some research on her
on the plane coming over.
She was there all right,
the toast of every continent.
I don't get it then.
She's a very ethical woman.
It's as simple as that.
Noah Bain will be relieved to know that.
So will a lot of other people.
When you get finished with that
part of the manuscript, I'll take it back.
[door breaking]
Don't move!
Don't bother to knock.
Thank you.
Thank you very much for getting it for us.
Here. This is the best part.
I'm sorry to spoil this happy occasion,
but you're in for a big disappointment.
What do you mean?
There's nothing that can
embarrass our country at all in that.
So you can tell your henchman
to put that heater down.
There's nothing worth
fighting for in that manuscript.
Go ahead.
Read it. I'll wait.
So you think I am, as you Americans say in
your slang, barking up the wrong tree, yes?
You could say that.
Now, why don't we just bid
our fond farewells and forget it?
Because I have a better idea.
[Music]
Admiral Evans's grandson, indeed.
Ho, ho!
You're a pretty fair con artist yourself.
Politically explosive memoirs?
Well, it's a cold world, my dear.
And a poor, helpless old woman
has to get along as best she can.
If I can get a bigger advance
for my publisher by letting
him believe that my memoirs
are of a certain nature...
But why, Christina? You're a wealthy woman.
Whilst, my dear, I've had to
sell some of my jewelry in order to
maintain the standard of living to
which we have grown accustomed.
As a matter of fact, that bracelet I
slipped into your pocket...
Was a paste.
How did you know?
Don't feel badly.
It was an excellent piece of work.
It would have fooled any amateur.
Besides, I figured you
were too smart to take
a chance to pass off
the real thing on me.
What real thing?
Why are you still here?
Mr. Mundy told me you've read my memoirs.
You must know there's nothing in it
that could possibly be of use to you.
Ah, but there will be.
When you add in your own handwriting certain
material which I will dictate to you.
You're not serious.
I'm more serious.
Do you mean to say that
you're going to force me to...
My dear lady, I don't intend
to force you to do anything.
You will do it willingly to
protect your niece from harm.
You're even more repulsive than
I could have believed possible.
Milo, take them to the cellar.
The Duchess and I do
not wish to be disturbed.
You stay here.
You heard him.
(footsteps)
Well, please, sit down.
What do you want of me?
You are most valuable to us, Stavro.
You are our only disinterested
eyewitness to the fact
that the Duchess has sold
us her memoirs voluntarily.
And that we have not tampered
with them at all prior to publication.
Any idea why they didn't lock
your future husband up with us?
He's not my future
husband anymore.
Well, that's one good thing
that's happened lately.
When they get what they
want from Christina they'll...
Well I mean they just can't let
her go can they?
No they can't.
They can't let us go either.
They'll have to kill all of us.
Well not really.
They might stash us
away in a nice quiet prison if we don't
get out of here before Christina finishes.
How can we go without them?
I can open up the lock all right.
All I've got to do is get that guard
over near the door so I can nail him.
Got a match?
Yes.
That's the end of that
game.
The prime minister took me in his arms and
our lips met in a burning kiss.
You really have a
very trashy mind.
Go on, what happens next?
I will call my superiors to see exactly what more
interesting reminiscences
they would like to
include in your memoirs, dear lady.
You realize the
consequences of any foolish move?
I regret madam that I have been placed in this
awkward position.
Your position will be more than awkward when they
have no further use for you.
It'll be fatal.
- What do you mean?
Well you don't suppose they're going
to let you stay alive so
that you can blackmail
them do you? I should have.
thought a man of your intelligence
would have figured that out for himself.
You've got to get him
out of there.
How?
The same way you get any
man interested in you.
But I never have.
You mean uh you never picked up a man?
No.
Well, um...
We'll have a crash course.
All right?
You go over to the door and uh...
smile, you know, and
uh... be charming.
Tell him
uh tell him I want to
talk with you.
All right?
All right I'll try.
[footsteps]
Hey Mr. Guard?
I uh I'd like to talk to you.
You're joking.
[footsteps].
I told you. I'm not the
enticing type.
Well you're
a woman you must have
had some basic training.
No I always avoid...
I mean...
I mean to
me the intellect was was always the...
- You've got to get that man's interest.
- I don't know how.
Don't you understand?
I just don't know how.
It's easy.
Inexperience doesn't
necessarily mean inability.
[music].
Now...
go introduce that guard
to the Zizi I just met. All right?
Hey!
Mr. Guard?
I'm talking to you.
[music]
Everything under control?
Yes sir.
Good.
[footsteps]
What do we do now?
Three more seconds and
you would have had him.
How are you at fainting?
How's this?
Hey uh you got some water she just fainted.
Look at that.
How did I do?
You were a smash.
I have here a few little
passages the political
commissar would like
you to add to your memoirs.
What sort of passages?
Well the kind you let everyone to
believe were there in the first place.
I I will dictate them to you.
We'll take it on exactly as I say. Yes?
Yes.
In chapter 11.
Chapter 11.
Chapter paragraph one.
Paragraph one.
Insert the following.
During late supper one night.
During late supper one night.
With the United States ambassadors.
Oh with the United States ambassador.
He confided to me that...
What a bore and together we
could have written a bestseller.
Goodbye madam.
You're not leaving yet?
But they've still got seize Mr. Mundy.
Well as you said before it's a cold
world and a man must look after himself.
But she's your fiancee.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
Well I wish her the best of luck
but I'm afraid I've run out of all mine.
You wait here.
I'll check and see what
the score is upstairs.
Franz.
Whatever is going on
down there you can't get out.
Paul what's going on here?
I don't know.
I was going to ask you.
Come with me we'll find out.
The duchess is coming down the stairs.
Drop your gun.
Come over here both of you.
[Music]
Oh, Bravo!
[Music]
Oh, you must show me how to do that.
I'll be glad to.
[Music]
What's that?
[Music]
Must be Count Stravro, making
his getaway, as you call it, in my car.
[Music]
To a charming hostess, a good
alley fighter, and a best-selling author.
Here, here.
Thank you, thank you. You're all too kind.
I have to be at the airport in ten minutes.
Where's Zizi?
She said she was going to do some shopping.
Oh?
[Music]
She did indeed.
Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late.
What time does the plane leave?
What plane?
[Music]
At last, someone to
carry on in my tradition.
(upbeat music).