Into the Dark (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Crawlers - full transcript
On Saint Patrick's day-a night of wild parties and drunken revelry-three unlikely friends band together to save a college town from a vicious horde of body-switching aliens.
(eerie music)
♪
- Hey, guys.
So I know my channel's been
off the radar for a while,
and no, I wasn't
abducted by lizard people
or sent to that top secret
CIA prison island,
which by the way
totally exists.
I've just had to
lay low for a while
'cause, well, I think
the feds are watching me.
And like, I mean, yeah,
of course they're
watching everybody,
but I'm talking like
special ops task force
kind of watching.
And normally,
I'd just lay low
till the heat's off,
but...well, sometimes,
the truth is more
important than safety.
So here goes.
♪
Okay.
It all happened a year ago.
St. Patrick's Day, actually.
Coincidentally,
the same day that
a meteor crashed into
our town back in the '70s.
It was supposed to just be
a night of college
kids getting drunk,
but a lot of people died,
like, a lot of people.
♪
(thudding rock music)
♪
(drunken incoherent chatter)
PARTIER: You little fucker,
come on.
(siren blares)
♪
SHAUNA: Welcome
to Emerald Springs
Did I mention we love
St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah, Chicago has the
whole green river thing,
but we do more of a green
river of puke thing.
What else would you expect from
a town full of college kids?
Or, as I call them,
"customers"?
SERGEANT: Officer Sullivan,
what's your 10 20?
DOMINIC: Yo, this is ridiculous.
I could literally arrest
every single person
on this street right now.
SERGEANT: Don't have enough
cells to hold them all.
Just let them celebrate.
- Fuck me.
You call this celebrating?
SERGEANT: I don't know
what to tell you, rookie.
You shoulda seen last year.
A whole pledge class took green
shits on the courthouse lawn.
DOMINIC: You're fucking
with me, right?
SERGEANT: Luck
of the Irish, man.
(laughter, blaring music)
- Shamrock shithole.
SERGEANT: Hey, Sullivan,
just make it through tonight
and beers are on me, all right?
DOMINIC: Yeah, I don't think
I'm gonna be drinking
for a while.
All right, I'm gonna
head towards the college.
SERGEANT: Okay, after that,
why don't you catch up
with the Massacre?
Just play babysitter and
make sure they don't all die.
DOMINIC: Let's go, kids.
(music blares, siren whoops)
(eerie music)
♪
Evening, ladies.
♪
(laughter)
Word.
SHAUNA:
Wow.
Swing and a miss,
Officer Fuckboy.
♪
(thud, slams on brakes)
♪
DOMINIC:
Shit.
♪
Fuck.
♪
Better be drunk or high.
Are you all right there?
♪
Are you okay there?
♪
The hell happened
to your clothes, man?
♪
Okay.
All right, hey.
- What happened?
- Oh--hey--take it easy, yeah?
You take something, hm?
Drugs?
Hey, are you--are
you a student here?
♪
Say something, man.
(chomp, roar)
SHAUNA: Okay, I know
what you're thinking.
And no, it's not zombies.
People always
think it's zombies,
but they have a totally
different pathology.
Just...you'll see.
(yells, exclaims)
♪
- What the fuck?
SHAUNA:
Like I said,
it's gonna be a
fucking crazy night.
- No fucking way!
(Kim Petras,
"There Will Be Blood")
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ Run for your life ♪
♪ Go on and say, go on
and say your last goodbye ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ You're gonna die ♪
♪ You'll never make it, never
make it through the night ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ Ain't no prayer that
could save you now ♪
♪ Ain't nobody can
hear you shout ♪
♪ When I'm pulling
you underground ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ Take a sip from
the devil's cup ♪
♪ Just a taste,
you won't get enough ♪
♪ Seal your fate
when you swallow up ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ Don't let me in,
I'ma ruin your life ♪
♪ I'm straight psychotic ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ This is gonna be
a hell of a night ♪
♪ I know you want it ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ Run for your life ♪
♪ Go on and say, go on
and say your last goodbye ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ You're gonna die ♪
♪ You'll never make it, never
make it through the night ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be ♪♪
(acoustic Irish music)
SHAUNA: You ever heard of
the porcupine's dilemma?
It's the one about
those little guys
who wanna cuddle
up for warmth
but they just keep
poking each other.
It basically means
getting close to people
hurts like a bitch.
This is Misty,
and she's smack-dab
in the middle of
her own prickly situation.
♪
Up until a few weeks ago,
she and Chloe were besties.
At least, that's
what she thought.
♪
GROUP:
Happy St. Paddy's Day!
♪
SHAUNA: This is why
I don't bother with friends.
Too much baggage
and very little upside.
If there's anything
my mom taught me,
it's family first,
yourself second,
and fuck everyone else.
But Misty's one of
those normal girls
who likes having people around.
She's hoping that they
can patch things up
the good old-fashioned way:
binge drinking.
♪
PARTIER: Hey, what's up, Misty?
SHAUNA: And what better way
than an all-night pub crawl?
They call this one the Massacre
because nobody
makes it out alive.
Figuratively
speaking, of course.
CHLOE: You waitin' on this
motherfuckin' bartender?
Stank.
I'm waiting like
30 minutes for a shot.
You know what?
Fuck this, motherfuckers,
I'm the bartender now.
Heads back, mouths open.
One for you,
two for you, cutie.
Hey! And one for me.
SHAUNA: And here's
the self-proclaimed
master of ceremonies, Chloe.
She loves to be the
center of attention,
and on a night like tonight,
that's not necessarily
a good thing.
♪
Misty and Chloe have
been attached at the hip
since freshman year.
But some shit went down
a few weeks ago,
and when Misty really
needed a friend,
Chloe was nowhere to be found.
I mean, I'd kick
her to the curb,
but Misty's loyal.
Or, I dunno,
maybe just pathetic.
- Sláinte!
(cheering)
Let's go!
- Hey, Chlo!
(Chloe screams)
- Misty!
You made it, girl!
Oh, shit.
That's amazing.
That's fuckin' hilarious.
- Yeah, I think I'm
finally ready to get
out the house again.
- I'm glad.
- Guess who?
CHLOE: Um, probably
some thirsty-ass nerd
that won't stop
following me around?
- More like the person
who just saved your dumb ass
from getting locked out later.
You dropped these
at the last bar.
- You're my hero.
- I know.
- I love you so much.
Misty, do you know Yuejin?
She just transferred
here from New York City!
She's fancy!
- No, I don't think--
I don't think we've met.
- We have.
I'm in three of your classes.
SHAUNA:
Meet Yuejin.
She is kind of a bitch,
always down for a good time,
and has a closet full of
clothes in Chloe's size.
All the makings of
a brand-new sidekick.
- Weird.
- You're gonna love her.
She's the third Musketeer.
SHAUNA:
Oh yeah.
Misty's definitely
being replaced.
- Great!
Welcome to the group.
- Thanks.
SHAUNA:
By the way,
I promise I'm in the story.
Just wait.
- For the queen of the bar.
Sorry, they told
me to say that.
- Who did?
♪
- Fucking gross.
- Who, Aaron?
- Wait, you know Aaron already?
- Yeah. I go here.
♪
SHAUNA:
Aaron Hamilton.
President of Beta Sigma Eta.
He and the rest of
these walking boners
call themselves the Wolf Pack.
Barf.
Supposedly, they throw
the best parties,
but they've also
got a reputation,
the bad kind.
♪
- Chloe.
What are you doing?
- Huh?
- Chloe!
- What?
No--ugh, no, Misty, he's not
like sexually harassing me
or something.
- Aaron is a sex offender.
Okay? And that
pigfuck next to him,
his name is Michael,
and you guys don't--
- We're not gonna do this
tonight, Misty, okay?
I'm not gonna ruin
our St. Patrick's Day
by drinking a roofied
green martini at 10:05 p. m.
(drink trickling)
Bye-bye.
[giggling]
- Chloe!
Oh my God.
CHLOE: But we do have
to take a picture.
- Of what?
- Of us!
While we're so cute,
before we're tear-streaked
vomit goblins.
- Yeah!
- Okay.
- Yeah, we haven't
taken one in a long time.
Yeah. Will you take it, please?
CHLOE:
No, no, no, all of us.
Yeah.
And you have the longest arms,
you should be
the one to take it.
- Okay.
PARTIER: Yeah, St. Paddy!
YUEJIN: What?
Who's "Drug Dealer"?
- Oh, I need this.
SHAUNA: For real?
I'm actually "Drug Dealer"
in your phone?
See? What'd I tell ya?
Yours truly.
- Get in this pic!
- No, no, hard pass.
The more selfies you take,
the more data AI has
to create deep fakes
with your images.
So.
Anyway, uh...
let's get this underway, yeah?
CHLOE: Yeah, yeah.
- Cool.
Uh, actually, maybe
you wanna go somewhere
less public?
- It's St. Patrick's Day,
nobody gives a shit.
(rock music plays in bar)
SHAUNA: All right, here's
a little pick-me-up...
- Okay.
SHAUNA:...for the
Queen of the Crawl.
Thanks.
- Thanks!
Who wants Adderall?
Gonna be a long fuckin' night.
MALE PATRON:
Hey, over here!
♪
- Hey.
You ever open one
of those things up?
They got like tiny little
microchips in there
that track your location,
habit of use,
conversations, everything.
- Isn't your phone
doing that anyway?
- No.
- Whoa.
- Who are you?
- I'm a local caregiver.
It's my job to stay woke.
Yeah, so I'm obviously
not like these princesses.
I actually grew up
in this town,
and some of us need
to work for a living.
Plus, your girl
here's off the grid,
so that sort of limits
the professional options.
But you can call me Shauna.
- It's a weird-ass holiday.
- I know, as if white
people didn't have
enough days on the calendar
to act like complete morons.
SHAUNA: If you wanna
have some real fun,
I have this organic
weed that's grown
out by the clover fields,
so it's laced with radiation
from that meteor that landed
there 40 years ago.
That's a true story.
Back in the '70s,
this huge rock crashed
on the edge of town
and my mom swears
it was actually carrying
larval stage
extraterrestrial metamorphs.
The whole thing is a
big government cover-up,
but...I'm getting
ahead of myself.
MALE PATRON: Oh, I got
something Irish for you.
- Oh, you're serious.
- Yeah.
- Mm, I'm good, no thanks.
- Okay.
Cool, uh...well,
I'm gonna go,
see if my sales pick up.
Keep an eye out.
- For what?
- For what?
[in suspenseful whisper]
- The end of the world!
♪
- The end of the world!
(laughter)
- Listen up, you
drunk motherfuckers.
It's time for the
tournament to begin.
(cheering)
And we'll begin
as we always do
with a little game
I like to call
the Troubles.
(cheering)
♪
- What's the Troubles?
- You'll see.
(rock music)
♪
CHLOE: Get in there, girl!
Focus, focus...
That's it!
Yes, bitch, yes!
You're getting it,
you're getting it.
♪
Wait--anarchy, anarchy!
Switch sides, switch sides.
You have to go
to the other side.
Bitch, go to the other side!
- Why? Where?
♪
Okay, go!
CHLOE: That's it,
that's it, that's it!
(shouting, clamor)
Get on your knees!
You're a leprechaun!
♪
We got it! Pot of gold!
Throw your cups! Pot of gold!
She's cool, right?
- Yeah, she's okay.
- That's high praise
coming from you.
♪
You should come to
New York City with us.
- What?
- For spring break.
Her dad has a penthouse
or something in Central Park.
It's gonna be fun.
- What happened to Cancun?
- I don't know, Cancun's
kinda like played-out, and
I didn't know if
that'd be your vibe
'cause of your funk.
- My funk?
CHLOE: Yeah.
Thought you weren't
in the mood to party.
- Chloe!
Michael drugged me.
I don't know what
happened to me that night.
But I know that there was
something in my drink,
I know that for a fact,
and I know that Michael
didn't just tuck me into bed
and watch me sleep.
Shit, I'm sorry if
I've been in a funk.
- Yeah, well that's all I mean.
(chanting, cheering)
- You don't believe that
happened to me, do you?
- Of course I do.
- Yeah, I keep
hearing you say that,
but I don't see it.
- Well, I just don't know
what to do about it.
All I can think to do
is be positive,
which I'm doing, but it
doesn't seem to be helping.
Plus, the Beta guys
aren't all bad.
And I've been hanging
out with Yuejin lately,
which...I don't mean
that in a weird way,
like instead of you.
- No, that's great, I get it.
Actually, keep doing that, yeah.
You just keep hanging
with your new best friend
and staying positive, okay?
- Misty.
Girl!
(subdued music)
(sighs)
♪
(thudding, groaning)
(sharp thud)
(groaning)
- Is everything okay in there?
(clattering)
("The Rattlin' Bog"
plays from bar)
(eerie music)
♪
(water running)
♪
(thud)
♪
(sighs)
(lively music in bar)
- Come on, St. Patrickses.
Get those fucking
snakes out of Ireland.
Winner gets shots!
SHAUNA: No, dude, look.
Everybody knows that the first
moon landing was faked.
It's, like not
even a conspiracy.
It's just a cover-up
for the real shit.
For example, did you know
that Paul McCartney died
in 1968 from a car wreck
and they replaced him
with a lookalike?
Also, Avril Lavigne.
Look it up.
- Can I have an Irish
coffee, please?
BARTENDER:
Sure thing.
MISTY:
How's your night going?
(blows raspberry)
- I'm not making
any sales tonight.
There's a weird
spell over the town,
it's very unusual.
- Mm. Illuminati?
- Or aliens.
- Ah.
- You know, some do say
Saint Patrick was an alien.
- That doesn't
make sense, though.
- Why? Do you not believe?
- Okay, the myth is Saint
Patrick drove the snakes
out of Ireland, right?
But since there weren't
actually any snakes in Ireland,
shouldn't your little
conspiracy theory be
"Saint Patrick saved
Ireland from aliens,"
not that he was
an actual alien?
♪
SHAUNA: This is
my impressed face.
Drink it in, because you
will not see it very often.
Whatever, okay, I...
I don't know.
All I know is that
there's something off
with the group dynamics.
When dealing with
alien invasions,
you always wanna
pay attention
to the subtle things.
Sure, this looks like
normal late stage
adolescent fuckery,
but something lurking
just beneath the surface
is askew.
It's a drug dealer thing.
I can feel it.
I'm not in a group,
so it's easy for me to see.
- Tell me about it.
- So you've noticed it too?
- Yeah.
No--I mean no.
I don't know, maybe it's
just the holiday, whatever.
(tense music)
♪
Oh my God.
Actually, you're right.
Something is wrong.
- You know, my mom
did see the meteor
that landed here
on St. Patrick's Day
in 197--okay.
♪
(gasps)
- Oh, sorry!
- Fuck!
Yuejin?
- Yeah, it's me.
They're making me
wear this mask
because I lost.
I don't even know
what game I was playing.
- All right,
just one second,
I just wanna talk
to Chloe real quick.
- Yeah. Will you just tell her
that I'm going to the next spot?
I gotta get out of here,
these fucking games
are killing me.
(he clears throat)
- Sorry, sorry.
Hey.
- Oh, hi.
- Did you see Chloe
over there a minute ago?
- Yeah, she just
left with some dude.
- Aaron?
- I don't know his name.
College guys only talk to me
if they want to buy drugs.
Guess he's a good boy.
- No, that's impossible.
- Well, I mean, unless he's
buying from Whiskey Dave,
but his shit's
mostly baby laxative,
so it's basically
not doing drugs at all.
- No, no, no, I mean
it's impossible that
she would leave with that creep.
- I don't know what to tell you.
Maybe you don't know your friend
as well as you thought you did.
(phone ringing)
Oh, shit! Speak of the devil.
Chloe Willis, hey girl.
Your friend's looking for you.
FEMALE: Now that
I think about it,
you are kinda cute.
- What is it?
MALE: Oh yeah?
FEMALE: A little bit.
- I don't know.
Butt-dial, maybe?
- Chlo?
MALE: Well, maybe your friends
just wanted me for themselves.
FEMALE: I'm pretty sure--
- Chloe?
MALE: Do you always--
SHAUNA: Uh, hey!
Hello?
That's my phone!
(muffled phone
chatter continues)
- Chloe, where are you?
Hey. Have you seen Chloe?
FEMALE:
Stop it! We are in...
- Chlo, where are you?
- Hey, what the hell?
- Come on, whoa!
- It's Misty!
(dark music)
Hey.
Have you guys seen Chloe?
- No.
♪
- Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Chloe, fuck! Sorry.
♪
(muffled phone
chatter continues)
FEMALE: Quit fucking
following me
and let go of me.
MALE: Let's go.
FEMALE: Let go of me.
I said let go of me.
I'm not playing anymore,
let go of me.
- Chloe, listen to my voice.
I'm right here and
I'm not leaving, okay?
Just tell me where you are!
FEMALE: Get off of me!
MALE: Stop fighting.
FEMALE:
Stop and let go of me!
Help! Let go of me!
Let go of me! Help!
Help!
♪
(call disconnects)
♪
(distant ringtone)
- Chloe!
♪
SHAUNA:
Hey! What the fuck?
Gimme back my phone.
- Fuck. Fuck, she's gone.
That fuckhead took her, fuck!
- Okay, okay, slow down.
- Fuck, that fuckhead!
Fuck! She was flirting
with him in the bar,
and then--and look.
- What, she's a Gemini?
- She doesn't just
drop her phone! Fuck!
- Okay, calm down.
Can I please just
have my phone back?
- Fuck your phone,
are you kidding?
SHAUNA: Okay, uh, do you
wanna call the cops?
Because if you do,
I can't really be here,
due to all the,
you know, drug dealing.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
SHAUNA: Look.
I don't have Prozac
because it's not really
the business model,
but here, take this.
- What? No!
- It's Xanax, you
need to calm down.
- Oh man.
SHAUNA: All right, look, look,
listen--hey, listen,
I know what a panic attack
looks like, all right?
Just trust me. Take this.
(Misty pants)
♪
MISTY: I'd call the
cops but I can't.
- Why not?
MISTY: I take it you've
never dealt with the cops
in a situation
like this before.
- I try not to, but yes,
I have dealt with
the cops a time or two.
- That's not what I mean!
Fuck! If I call 9-1-1
and tell them I saw
a drunk frat guy flirting
with my drunk friend at a bar,
they're gonna tell me
that's what college kids do.
If I tell them I actually
didn't see anything
and I have no idea
where they went,
they're gonna start
calling me "young lady"
and asking if I've
been drinking too
or taking some of the drugs
you just gave me, for example.
SHAUNA:
True.
It is hard to get people
to believe what they don't see,
and by the time they do,
it's usually too late.
- Oh shit.
Oh my God, no!
He probably took her back
to that ratfuck cesspool
- of a frat house.
- Okay.
So do you wanna go
and check if she's there?
- Shit.
No, I would, but...
no, no, I can't.
If I...
Fuck. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
I'm guessing you've
been there before?
♪
So this is when I
should have just said,
"Have a great night!
Good luck finding
your horrible friend,"
and gone back
to my normal life
of not dealing with
other people's shit.
But, fuck! Look at
this crying mess.
I mean, I'm tough, but
I'm not made of stone.
Plus, business was slow
and the Beta boys are always
willing to pay double,
so what the hell.
Um, mm-kay, fine.
I'm coming with you.
I'm coming with you. Let's go.
♪
- Wait.
♪
SHAUNA:
Oh, good. The Beta boys
are still getting smashed
on the pub crawl.
♪
You coming?
♪
Hey, what happened here?
- I don't remember.
It's kinda part
of the problem?
You know, you can't
file a police report
if you don't know what
you're filing it about.
I just--I woke up
here once, and...
♪
...all I know is nothing good
happens in that house, so.
SHAUNA: Yeah. I've
heard the stories.
MISTY: No one listened.
- Okay.
Well...I believe you.
And I'm not scared of
shit in this world, so...
Come on.
Let's go get your friend.
♪
Uh, yeah, hi.
Believe women, it's 2020.
And besides, no one
ever listens to me
when I say shit,
so I know how fucking
infuriating it is.
♪
Okay, where are the bedrooms?
MISTY: Through there.
(muted rap music playing)
SHAUNA:
What is that?
(tense music)
- Shauna.
♪
Shauna!
♪
(Shauna exhales with relief)
(muted rap music plays)
(dramatic tone)
- Can I help you girls?
SHAUNA:
Michael.
The biggest
asshole of them all.
Apparently, his dad's
some bigshot lawyer
so he thinks he can
get away with anything.
Can you believe he specifically
asked for roofies once?
Fucking moron.
I sold him a bottle of Tic Tacs
and I said they were
horse tranquilizers.
- Well, well, well.
Misty Carpenter.
It's great to see you again.
I been meaning to have
a civilized conversation
with you about some of the
things that you said about me.
SHAUNA: No, dude, we're
looking for Aaron.
Very important matters.
- Well, he's busy.
- Where is he?
- He's upstairs.
Uh, afraid I can't
let you do that.
- Why not?
- Like I said, he's busy.
SHAUNA: All right, dude, look.
You like Molly?
Here you go.
- You're good.
- Great.
MICHAEL:
Not her.
I need to clear up a few things
before we welcome you back here.
♪
(rattling pill bottle)
- How about now?
♪
- Fine.
♪
Misty!
♪
You ever wanna grab
a coffee and chat,
just let me know.
♪
(muted rap music plays)
♪
- God, we should
burn this place
to the fucking ground.
(knocking)
- Aaron, open the door.
(muffled screaming)
SHAUNA: What is it,
what do you hear?
- We need to open this door.
SHAUNA:
Wait--move, move, move.
Fuck.
MISTY: You just
carry that with you?
SHAUNA: Mama taught me
a thing or two
over the years.
And one of them
was that Boy Scouts
aren't the only ones who
should always be prepared.
This isn't the first
lock I've had to pick.
♪
(muffled screams)
(tense music)
♪
- Jesus Fuck,
you gotta untie me.
(Aaron pants)
- Where's Chloe?
- We need to get out
of here right now, okay?
MISTY: Not until you tell
me what you did with her.
AARON: Did with--what the
fuck are you talking about?
- Aaron, I saw you with her.
- Who?
- Chloe!
- Idiot.
- I don't know where Chloe is!
You guys saw us leave the pub
after she poured her
fucking drink on the ground.
MISTY: Right, and
then you came ba--
I saw you talking to her!
- I have no idea what
you're talking about.
I've been tied to this bed
for the past couple hours.
Look at my leg.
Look at my leg!
I'm lucky to be alive.
Fucking get me out!
MISTY: All right, I am
sick of this shit, okay?
I saw what I saw.
I know the cops
probably won't believe me
but I don't know
what else to do.
- Oh no--wait, wait--hey, wait.
Wait! Wait!
Hey, you, you!
Okay, hi. We left, all right?
You saw us leave the pub.
Okay, you can ask
anyone downstairs.
We came back here right after.
I wasn't with Chloe.
SHAUNA: It is strange how
you got here so quickly.
- Yes, yes!
MISTY: Hi.
I need to report a kidnapping.
- Fuck!
MISTY: Yeah.
At the Beta Sigma Eta
house on campus.
AARON: When's the last
time that you saw me?
- I don't know, like,
what, 15 minutes ago?
AARON: And in that time,
I got back here, I tied
myself to this bed and
bit out a chunk
of my own leg?
- They're on their way.
AARON: Great.
I need to report
that I was attacked
by some crazy fucking bitch!
SHAUNA:
You know what?
Just start from
the beginning, okay?
How did this happen?
(he exhales deeply)
- Wait.
You said that you saw
somebody at the pub
15 minutes ago
that looked like me?
- Not someone who
looked like you, asshole,
it was you.
- Okay.
Okay, this is gonna sound crazy.
I brought a girl
home from the pub--
not fucking Chloe--
and she was apparently
into some really kinky shit.
Things got really rough.
You know?
Little playful nibble
here and there,
and then she just
bit into my leg.
(flesh tearing)
I looked down and there's a
fucking chunk of my leg gone.
(slurping gulp)
♪
And there was something
weird in her eyes.
- What do you mean?
- It was like a--
it was like a green cloud.
(grunt)
And it freaked me out,
so I kicked her off me.
(sharp thud, grunt)
MISTY:
Right.
So where is she now?
- Well, this is the crazy part.
♪
She was on the ground and made
this insane fucking sound.
Like bones breaking.
And then she got up,
and I swear to God,
she suddenly looked like...
(screams)
- You?
- Yeah. Like me.
(Misty scoffs)
- I fucking knew it,
I fucking--I told you,
I told you there was
something in the air tonight.
- Are you serious right now?
You don't actually be-
- Okay.
This...thing,
where did it go?
- My boys had started
knocking on the door,
probably from
all the commotion.
It got scared
and it went out the window.
SHAUNA: This is
when shit gets real.
♪
(siren wailing)
♪
What did I tell you?
What did I tell you!
Not zombies, no--
fucking aliens.
Right? I mean, we've been
saying this the whole time.
And it wasn't really
the right time
to revel in it, you know,
but man, did it feel
good to be right.
And I know Misty was
still all concerned
about finding Chloe,
but alien invasion happening,
and we were right
in the middle of it!
And that's when I realized,
oh fuck, we were right
in the middle of it.
Tonight just took
a hard freakin' turn
from rescue mission
to fight for survival.
Now, trust, I've been
training for survival
my whole life.
But even if I could save myself,
could I save two princesses,
a frat guy,
and a still missing,
possibly dead party girl?
Well, that was a different
fucking story altogether.
(mellow hip-hop music)
- Because Jessica, she's got
the bottom but not the top,
you know?
Little bit of this,
little bit of that.
Oh shit.
DOMINIC: Yeah.
It's okay, fellas, relax.
St. Patrick's Day, I'm not
here to ruin the party.
- Is there something we
can help you with, Officer?
- Why are you guys still
hanging around here?
You guys should
be out partying!
Don't you like to party?
♪
- We like to party.
DOMINIC: That's good.
Gotta follow tradition.
Get wasted.
Trash the town!
MICHAEL:
Yeah, we're just...
we're just waiting for Aaron.
- You guys should head out now.
He'll catch up with you.
- It's cool.
We'll just wait for Aaron.
- No, you should go now.
(eerie music)
♪
Come on.
- Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
We will, uh...we'll go now.
- There we go.
St. Patrick's Day.
I'm your cool aunt
tonight, let's go.
You left your drugs.
Just--don't look.
All right.
♪
- Please just untie me.
I'm kinda bleeding out here
and I really need to pee.
Yes, finally.
MISTY:
Hi, hey.
- Anyone care to explain
to me what's going on here?
- He kidnapped our friend.
- Kinda looks like
the other way around.
- No--
- Who's your friend?
MISTY: Chloe Willis.
- And where is she?
- Ask him!
- I'm the one that got
attacked, sir.
Look at me.
- Who did that?
- He claims that he did.
AARON: That's not what I said.
- Okay, um, officer?
♪
I believe that
we are in the midst
of an alien invasion
in which imposters are
rapidly replacing the
citizens of this town.
♪
DOMINIC:
That's interesting.
It sounds a little far-fetched.
Sure you guys
aren't just drunk
like everyone else in this town?
SHAUNA: Something lurking
just beneath the surface.
Fucking askew.
MISTY: No. No, no, no, no!
AARON: Okay. Can you please just
untie me, sir?
MISTY: No!
Um, excuse me, sorry,
what are you doing?
- I'm gonna untie him.
- Thank you.
MISTY: Aren't you
gonna like investigate
or something?
DOMINIC: I'm taking
him to the station.
- What?
Why am I being
arrested, for what?
- Just standard procedure.
- How is it standard procedure?
I didn't do anything.
- Excuse me, officer, sir.
Um, Aaron actually
isn't our main concern.
We just wanna find
my friend Chloe Willis.
- We'll be on
the lookout for her.
It's a small town,
I'm sure she'll turn up.
MISTY: No, no, no,
you don't understand.
Chloe--Chloe literally doesn't--
SHAUNA: Hey, hey, hey.
♪
(Aaron exclaims)
- Dude, can you at least
let me put my clothes on?
SHAUNA: Okay, look, so what
I was trying to tell you earlier
about the meteor that
landed here in 1978?
It was on St. Patrick's Day.
MISTY: Shut up!
I don't wanna hear about some
fucking conspiracy theory
right now, I'm
talking about Chloe!
- I know that!
I am too.
I'm talking about her and
Aaron and this entire town.
- Aren't you supposed to do
the whole Miranda thing?
Am I under arrest?
Hey.
(thud, groan)
Can you please just
give me a first aid kit
for my wound?
- Get in.
♪
- Fuck!
(thud)
♪
(Aaron yells)
(thud)
(sounds of struggle)
♪
(ringtone)
- Is that...
♪
YUEJIN:
Chloe, are you okay?
- Yuejin, it's Misty.
YUEJIN:
Where's Chloe?
- We're trying to figure
that out right now,
I was hoping you knew.
YUEJIN: People are
losing their minds.
I think I've seen like
12 fights break out
in the last hour.
I just saw someone
biting a person like
a fucking zombie movie.
SHAUNA: No, not zombies;
they're alien imposters.
YUEJIN:
What?
Who is that?
- It's Shauna from the pub.
- Where are you right now?
YUEJIN: I'm leaving
the pub crawl.
Seriously, it's like
everyone is tripping balls
on bath salts.
- Okay. We're at the Beta house.
Just come meet us here.
YUEJIN:
Okay.
- Fuck.
(groans)
(tense music)
♪
- Oh, fuck no.
(thud, grunt)
♪
(faint yelling)
- Wait!
(thudding, squelching kicks)
Told you he's a psycho!
- He's one of them,
he attacked me.
Look--come look.
(Aaron sighs)
SHAUNA:
Holy shit.
Fuck me.
(Aaron sighs)
♪
- Yup, as I suspected.
Imposters don't bleed red.
Most people would be
grossed out by alien blood,
but this is what I call
bona fide proof, y'all!
- Can somebody please
just uncuff me?
SHAUNA:
Yeah, sorry.
(Misty gasps)
(handcuffs unlocking)
♪
SHAUNA:
Oh, fuck.
- All right, I don't know what
the fuck is going on tonight,
but that's the second one
that tried to attack me.
SHAUNA: Yup, you are
lucky to be alive.
This alien imposter
was out to kill you.
I'm thinking it's because the
one who attacked you earlier
got your DNA and became you.
You know, that's
how they operate.
- That's impossible.
- Not for aliens.
- So that's who was at the
pub with Chloe, my imposter.
- That means they got Chloe.
- Not necessarily.
I mean, you know, he escaped,
so it's possible she did too.
YUEJIN: Hey, Misty!
- Yuejin! Over here!
YUEJIN: What's happening,
why are the cops--
Oh, what the fuck?
AARON: Yup.
YUEJIN: What is that?
And why is he covered
in green goo?
Hello, what the hell's going on?
SHAUNA:
What does it look like?
Alien invasion, Yuejin.
They're finally coming
out from hiding.
- Is she still
for real with this?
♪
- Hey, wait,
where are you going?
AARON:
I need a fucking Band-Aid.
♪
(Aaron groaning in pain)
♪
Okay, easy, easy.
♪
What do you think they want?
SHAUNA:
Great question, but...
I'm not really concerned
about that right now.
It's happening whether
we want it to or not.
[sneering]
- Okay.
♪
Sorry, I just...
This is all completely crazy.
Like, I feel like I'm in
someone else's acid trip.
Your acid trip.
SHAUNA:
Hey, don't kill the messenger.
YUEJIN: No, it's gotta
be something else.
Aliens is just absurd.
SHAUNA: Okay, well,
you can go take a look
at the alien cop outside
if you want more proof.
AARON:
Oh, fuck.
We left him outside.
Somebody's gonna notice that.
SHAUNA: I think I know
where we need to go.
I think we may be able
to get some answers.
YUEJIN:
To what?
An alien invasion?
- And weapons.
- Weapons?
SHAUNA: You can never
be too prepared.
YUEJIN: Okay...
(Aaron groans)
(Aaron exhales)
SHAUNA:
Hey.
What do you think, Misty?
(Misty breathes deeply)
MISTY:
I just...I told her
to stay away from them, and I...
I just don't get why
she didn't believe me.
- Stay away from who,
the imposters?
- No.
Aaron.
All the guys at the pub.
- You told her to
stay away from me?
- Yeah.
You, Michael, all of you guys.
- Wow.
So you're just...
lumping us all together?
- Well, you're, like,
a frickin' pervert mafia.
AARON:
Hey.
I'm not Michael.
♪
- So then why didn't you
do anything about it?
♪
Right.
AARON:
Wait, Misty.
♪
(Misty exhales)
♪
(Misty sighs)
♪
(eerie music)
♪
- Chloe?
SHAUNA:
Misty, you ready to go?
♪
- Chloe?
♪
(music intensifying)
(music softens)
(sighs)
♪
(growling)
Shit!
(intense music)
They're here!
♪
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!
(growling)
♪
(car beeps)
SHAUNA:
Hey, wait, wait!
Where's Aaron?
AARON [muffled]:
Help! Help!
Somebody fucking help me!
Help! Help!
♪
(gunshot)
SHAUNA: Like I said,
always be prepared.
(soft music)
- I think I love you.
SHAUNA:
Gross.
- You just have a gun on you?
SHAUNA:
Got it off the dead alien.
I'm driving.
(tense music)
♪
Oh, shit, get down. Get down.
♪
(panting)
♪
- Should we just go?
♪
SHAUNA [whispering]:
No, no, just stay low.
♪
They don't know we're here.
♪
- So is everybody
just an alien now?
SHAUNA:
I mean, I don't know,
but these guys are
definitely not normal humans.
AARON:
How do you know that?
(thud)
- They're loading
the officer's body
into the truck.
♪
YUEJIN: How'd they know
the body was here?
They are a hive mind.
♪
SHAUNA:
Okay.
I think we're good.
♪
(engine starting)
(tires screeching)
♪
- God, we really are in the
middle of nowhere, aren't we?
Can't believe people
actually live out here.
It's a real shithole.
SHAUNA:
Yup.
♪
- Hey.
Can I ask you
a personal question?
- Okay.
- Are you really Irish?
- What?
- Your shirt, it says,
"Kiss me, I'm Irish."
- Oh my God.
(Misty sighs)
(Aaron clears his throat)
- Hey.
- Dear God, what?
- Do you still think
I'm the kind of guy who
would've kidnapped your friend?
- One hundred percent.
AARON: I'm not like the rest
of the guys in my house.
- Aren't you, like,
a registered sex offender?
- No.
No, no, that's a--
that's a stupid rumor
that started
after I was arrested
for peeing in public.
- What?
- Yeah.
Indecent exposure
is what they call it.
After everything with Michael,
I guess it was just
an easy rumor to start.
♪
- Cool.
I guess congratulations
for not being a rapist.
- It was actually a really
good learning experience.
I did community service,
I started coaching
and volunteering,
and I even changed my major
from marketing to education.
- What is happening right now?
What is this, some kind of
12-Step-for-Misogynists thing?
You get a chip for each woman
you manage to convince
you're not a monster?
AARON:
Misty, I'm not a bad guy.
[sarcastically]
- No, of course not.
You just hang out with bad guys
and party with bad guys
and live with bad guys,
but, no, I'm sure
you're not a bad guy.
♪
- You know what, you're right.
I fucked up, okay?
I should've done something,
and I didn't.
I need to learn
from my mistakes,
and I need to be better.
So I hope you can forgive me.
♪
- Thank you for saying that.
♪
And I know that
you're not Michael.
♪
- We're gonna find her.
♪
- Okay.
♪
(sighs)
♪
SHAUNA: We needed
a safe spot to lay low,
regroup, and strategize,
and even though it
may not look like it,
trust me, this is the safest
place in town right now.
♪
(keys jingling)
(door unlocking)
♪
(gun cocking)
(gasping)
Mom.
Could you get the gun
out of our faces please?
Meet my mom.
She never taught me
how to cross-stitch,
but I can assemble
a Beretta M9 in 10 seconds,
blindfolded.
AARON:
Holy shit, that's your mom?
- What did you bring
into my house?
♪
- They're, um,
friends of mine, I guess.
You can trust them.
We came here because...
we need your help.
You were right, Mama.
About all of it.
They're here.
♪
- Well...
we're all fucked.
I mean, the fact that
you even got this picture
means it's too late.
I've been calling
this for years.
I told everyone about them,
little organisms on that meteor,
back on March 17th, 1978,
but they--they all
thought I was crazy.
- We believe you.
That's why we're here,
asking for your help.
MS. SHORE:
You don't believe me!
You're just all in trouble.
You know, that's the problem.
Folks need everything
to make sense
before they believe
what's happening
right in front of them,
and by then, it's too late.
YUEJIN:
Wow.
That is totally depressing
and unhelpful.
I'm ready to go.
- Where are you off to?
- I don't know,
back to New York.
MISTY:
Stop it, we need to try.
♪
Please, Ms. Shore, please.
Just--God, just tell us
what to do, okay?
My best friend is
still out there.
(laughing)
Please.
♪
- They were as small as bugs
when I first observed them,
and it appears that, well,
they're finally evolving
into human size.
You know, them--them
shape-shifting imposters,
they're just taking
orders from the nest.
- The nest?
MS. SHORE: They're like ants.
Super alien ants.
Once you destroy the nest,
they'll all come down.
SHAUNA:
Right.
They're just gonna keep
taking over human beings
with their kind,
so they multiply.
YUEJIN:
You expect us to believe that?
That's insane.
The most logical explanation
is that this town is
infected with something.
Not aliens.
MS. SHORE:
I don't expect anything
from you, young lady.
And you seem the type that's
too smart for her own good.
MISTY:
Okay, look, let's just say
that there's a nest somewhere.
How do we destroy it?
(dubstep music)
♪
(lights powering on)
(soft electronic music)
♪
(whistling)
MS. STONE:
There's some C4
in that backpack
on the third shelf.
YUEJIN: C4?
MS. SHORE: What?
How else are you
gonna blow up the nest?
AARON: I don't think we
know where the nest is.
Do we?
Oh!
- Sorry.
No, we haven't seen it yet.
- Okay, well, when
the meteor first hit,
it was in some field
next to that old,
abandoned Miller warehouse.
AARON:
The Miller warehouse?
That's the last stop
for the pub crawl tonight.
They're probably already there.
- That's why this is happening.
The aliens are
defending themselves
against a bunch
of drunk assholes
showing up at the nest,
and the nest must be
inside that warehouse.
(Yuejin laughing)
MS. SHORE:
Is something funny?
YUEJIN:
Yeah!
This whole thing.
Everything we've seen tonight,
all these nonsense theories
you guys are coming up with.
- I know what I know,
and I saw what I saw.
So if you're not interested
in what I have to say,
then you can kindly fuck off
out of my house, young lady.
- You know what,
it's not a bad idea.
I should go.
- Where?
YUEJIN:
Anywhere not here.
I don't know what's going on,
but we're just
asking for trouble
if we go to that warehouse
and join back up
with the pub crawl.
MISTY:
Yuejin, we have to find Chloe,
and we need all the
help that we can get,
so cut this shit out.
YUEJIN:
You really don't get it, Misty.
Yeah, I'm not gonna stick around
for this hillbilly,
E. T. bullshit.
Good luck with the nest.
MISTY: Yuejin!
Yuejin!
(footsteps departing)
♪
- All right, let's gear up.
♪
AARON:
Hey.
You sure you're ready for this?
MISTY:
I don't think we have a choice.
♪
YUEJIN:
Fucking Podunk town.
(eerie music)
♪
Oh, shit.
♪
MS. SHORE:
Where'd you get that?
SHAUNA:
Dead alien.
(gun cocks)
AARON:
Yuejin, what the fuck?
What happened?
YUEJIN:
Hey, wait!
I changed my mind.
I'm coming with you guys.
- What happened?
- One of them chased me.
I got away, but, fuck,
that was stupid.
You were right.
We should stick together.
♪
- Welcome back.
All right.
You guys ready to party?
- You don't have
to tell me twice.
- Let's do this.
♪
- I'll be back, you know.
- I know you will.
- You gonna be okay here?
♪
- What the...
♪
- What'd you say happen to
that guy who chased you again?
- I guess he just took off.
♪
What?
- We clear?
AARON: Yeah.
SHAUNA: Then fuck it.
Let's just go.
♪
(doors closing)
(engine starting)
Okay, so we find the nest,
blow it up, save Chloe...
and the world?
No big deal.
Okay, so at this point,
we are armed, slightly buzzed,
and ready to kick
some alien ass.
Oh, in case you're wondering,
the nest is the physical nexus
of the metamorph
psionic neural net.
Like, uh, alien Wi-Fi.
The shared brain
that controls them all.
At least that was the theory.
Nobody had ever seen it before,
but if it existed,
which we were, like,
98% sure that it did,
aliens would totally keep
it hidden because it's,
like, a kill switch
for their entire army.
Luckily, though,
neural energy has
a limited range,
so we knew that
it couldn't be far.
But, uh, as we were
driving around town,
we started to realize that we
might be running out of time.
Normally there'd be kids
all over the place,
running around,
drinking, making out,
puking, making out again
with puke breath,
but it was just...empty.
Like a ghost town.
Best I figured,
most of them had
already been replaced.
Ipso facto, dead.
♪
AARON:
Shauna?
You okay?
SHAUNA:
Yeah.
- Are you sure?
♪
- I don't know.
Part of me should be happy
because me and my mom
were fucking right
the entire time,
but I'm also kind
of freaking out
because us being right
means that people are dying
and the world might end.
- That's pretty dark.
SHAUNA:
Yeah.
(Yuejin laughs)
- What?
- You really care
about her, don't you?
- Chloe?
She's my best friend.
YUEJIN:
Best friend?
Hmm, so then what happened
these last few weeks?
(sighs)
- It was just...
the whole thing
with me and Michael.
♪
I just remember
telling Chloe about it
the next morning and...
and I couldn't tell if
she believed me or not.
♪
But that's just Chloe.
♪
She never really takes
anything seriously,
and life is just
fun and carefree.
♪
- Hmm.
Sounds like...
Chloe made the right choice.
MISTY: Excuse me?
- Well, I can't blame her.
You're a glutton for punishment
who surrounds herself
with drama and psychosis,
like a conspiracy theorist
and her mom, for example.
AARON: Yuejin, chill!
SHAUNA: Hey, fuck you!
MISTY: You don't know
anything about me and Chloe.
- In fact, I don't know
how Chloe ever put up
with your bullshit.
- Stop the car.
- What?
♪
- Stop the car!
♪
(tires screeching)
♪
YUEJIN: What the fuck, Misty?
MISTY: Get out!
AARON:
Hey, what's going on?
- This bitch is an alien.
- What are you talking about?
MISTY:
She sees an alien,
lives to tell about it,
and then there's--
there's no evidence
of this so-called alien
when we get outside
because she's one of them!
YUEJIN:
She's just pissed off
because Chloe's replacing her
with me as her number one.
- Oh, fuck off!
AARON:
Okay, this is crazy, you guys.
SHAUNA:
Is it though?
She did disappear for a while
and came back with
this brand new attitude,
and we've seen
weirder shit tonight.
- It's because I
was trying to avoid
going on a suicide mission.
- Oh, so then what happened?
Why are you here now?
YUEJIN: And how do we know
that you're not an alien?
You and your mom?
How do we know that you
guys didn't just roofie
this whole town with
your radiated weed?
- What the fuck did you just
say about me and my family?
AARON: All right, come on.
MISTY: Guys.
There's an easy way
to settle this.
(knife clicks)
♪
We're all gonna
prick our fingers,
and everyone who
bleeds red is human.
♪
- I'll do it.
♪
(pricks)
MISTY:
All right.
I appreciate the support, Aaron,
but we all know
that you're human
because of the gaping
flesh wound on your leg.
AARON:
Oh, yeah, right, right, okay.
MISTY:
So, who's next?
- Since you're the
one accusing people,
why don't you go?
MISTY: Fine by me.
♪
(groans)
♪
YUEJIN:
See, she took us
to that creepy old
hoarder's house,
a woman who, by the way,
conveniently told us
to blow up a warehouse party
based on some bullshit story
about the nest or whatever?
- Well, maybe you don't
want us going to the nest
because you're
a shit-sucking alien fuck!
YUEJIN:
And maybe you're as crazy
as your fucking mama is.
SHAUNA: Fuck you!
MISTY:
Okay, Shauna, just show her
that you have human blood.
- Give me the fucking knife.
♪
I'll show you the truth.
AARON:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey!
MISTY: Oh my God!
SHAUNA: Fuck!
- Oh, look at that.
Not an alien.
♪
(knife clanks)
SHAUNA:
Don't let her get the bag!
♪
(groaning)
(stabs)
♪
(dripping)
♪
MISTY:
Oh, man.
Fuck.
Fuck, let's go, let's go.
Come on.
SHAUNA:
Okay.
♪
AARON:
And then there were three.
♪
(dance music playing)
♪
MISTY:
This is the place?
SHAUNA: Yup, this is
where it all started.
AARON:
Do you think we're too late?
MISTY:
Only one way to find out.
(slams)
Oh my God.
(laughter)
Shit.
(laughter)
What do you think, aliens?
- I think they're just drunk.
MISTY:
Well, should we warn them?
AARON:
Yeah.
Hey! Don't go in there!
GROUP:
Fuck you!
AARON:
Well, they're dead.
♪
(doors opening)
♪
(sighing)
♪
So, do we think Chloe's here?
SHAUNA:
It's the end of the crawl.
She has to be.
♪
All right, once
we find the nest,
I'll plant the charges
and set the timer
for five minutes.
Aaron, you pull the fire alarm.
Everybody will evacuate,
and we'll bounce before
we're blown to bits.
AARON: So, what are
the rules of engagement
for humans and/or aliens?
- Rules of engagement?
- Chill out, Ramboner.
Just assume everyone's
an alien, all right?
Punch or stun them with weapons
if they get too close
or aggressive.
- What if it's Chloe?
- No exceptions.
♪
All right, y'all.
Last chance to pull
the ripcord and bail.
- No way, José.
We're in this together now.
(sighs)
♪
- Yeah, let's do this.
♪
(door opening)
♪
AARON:
Um, where is everyone?
MISTY:
Did they just go home?
SHAUNA:
Fuck.
Maybe everyone's
already an alien,
and these people are too wasted
to realize that they're next.
AARON: This is the
lamest pub crawl ever.
MISTY:
Do you guys see Chloe?
SHAUNA:
Hey, hey, where are you going?
MISTY: I'm just looking,
I just wanna--
- No, come on,
we gotta stay focused
and stay together.
Let's keep going.
♪
MICHAEL:
What's up, bro?
AARON:
What the fuck, Michael?
- What the fuck is this?
(grunting, punching)
(breathing heavily)
♪
MISTY:
What?
I thought you said
no exceptions.
♪
- It's red.
He's not an alien.
- Either way...
Come on.
(sighs)
♪
SHAUNA:
Okay, well,
I mean, it wouldn't just
be out here in the open
for everyone to see it, so...
♪
(dripping)
Weird alien goo dripping
from an unknown source above us.
- It's probably up there.
♪
- All right.
Let's check it out.
♪
(chain rattling)
♪
Jesus Christ.
- Oh my God.
- Wow.
♪
- How did your mom
predict all this?
- She first discovered them
when the meteor hit,
and then she spent her
entire life researching.
Nobody believed her.
Everybody just thought
she was, like, wasted
'cause it happened
on St. Patrick's Day.
AARON:
Once we destroy this thing,
all the aliens will die, right?
SHAUNA:
Well, that's the theory.
♪
- Well, let's blow this shit up
and get the hell outta here.
♪
Whoa. You sure you know
what you're doing?
- Yeah, yeah. Me and Mom
used to blow up cars
at the junkyard all the time.
I was like six,
but I still remember
the process.
AARON:
That's really reassuring.
♪
(gasps)
♪
- She's here!
AARON: Who?
- Chloe, Chloe,
she's down below.
- No, no, no, no, no,
do not go down there,
no exceptions!
- Chloe, Chloe!
♪
Chloe?
CHLOE: Misty!
Dude!
(squealing)
Holy shit!
MISTY: Chloe, I'm sorry
for walking away from you
at the pub and
leaving you alone...
- You won't believe the shit
that's happened to me tonight.
First of all,
Aaron attacked me.
Did you--did you not hear me?
Aaron attacked me,
he's a psycho.
- Girl, it is a long story,
but just believe me,
that was not Aaron.
♪
(beeping)
AARON:
Ugh, you are nasty.
What are you made out of?
SHAUNA:
All right, timer's set.
We have five minutes
to get back to the car.
Whoa, whoa, wait,
what are you doing?
Don't fucking touch it!
You just tripped
some alien alarm.
(timer beeping)
Oh my God.
Fuck, you are such an idiot.
We really have to
go now, come on.
(timer beeping)
♪
- No, no, no,
it was for sure Aaron,
and he for sure attacked me.
♪
- What was that?
CHLOE:
What the fuck kind of noise?
(growling)
What is happening--
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hi, uh, timer's set,
we gotta go right now.
CHLOE:
Oh, no, no, no, no!
AARON:
Hey, you found Chloe.
CHLOE:
Get the fuck away from me.
MISTY: Chloe...
AARON: What?
- Okay, Chloe,
Aaron didn't attack you.
- What?
Misty, I know what happened.
This is not your
made-up bullshit.
AARON: Wait, wait, how do
you know she's not an alien?
- I'm sorry, what?
AARON: Here, here,
check her blood.
CHLOE:
What did he say?
(Chloe whimpering)
MISTY: It's okay,
it's me, it's me, okay?
I know this doesn't make
sense at all right now,
but this is something
that we have to do
to make sure, just trust me.
- I'm not gonna let you cut me!
You're fucking crazy!
I knew you were fucking mental!
SHAUNA:
Hey, hey, hey, last chance.
If I get to the car and
you guys aren't there,
I swear to fuck
I am taking off.
The bomb's gonna go
off any minute now.
- Now there's a bomb?
SHAUNA: Yes, a bomb!
And Aaron just let
every alien in town
know that we're here.
We gotta go now.
Get to the fire alarm.
We need to get
everyone out of here.
- Chloe, are you kidding?
CHLOE:
Get away from me, psycho!
(knife clanks)
(growling)
- Oh, shit!
(screaming)
(shouting)
(intense music)
♪
(screaming)
(growling)
♪
(screaming)
(fire alarm ringing)
(screaming)
♪
(shouts for help)
(screaming)
(panting)
(shouting)
AARON:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Fuck, Aaron!
What are you doing?
- Um, I'm saving you.
- Which way is the exit?
- It's that way, come on.
♪
(beeping)
(fire alarm ringing)
♪
(groaning, growling)
- Chloe!
♪
Let her go.
CHLOE:
Get the fuck off me.
(alien sounds)
- Oh, I'm gonna kill
the fuck outta you.
♪
CHLOE:
Fuck, Michael, get off of me!
Let me go, you psycho fucker!
(door closes)
♪
[muffled]
Get the fuck off me!
(screams)
Fuck, did you just bite me?
♪
Fucking psycho.
♪
(shivering)
- Misty?
- Holy fuck!
- Oh, fuck.
- Shoot that thing!
Shoot it, it bit me, it bit me!
- I don't even know what
the fuck is happening,
and no, I did not!
SHAUNA: Don't move, I will
kill you both if I have to.
AARON: Um, guys, the clock
is kinda ticking here.
SHAUNA: Well, dude,
you better hurry up.
Which one is it?
CHLOE A: Misty, it's me.
- Misty...
CHLOE A:
You gotta believe me.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck.
(panting)
♪
(Chloe sobbing)
- Hey, Chloe?
(whimpering)
Do you trust me?
- What?
- To do this,
to choose the right one.
Do you trust me?
- Of course I trust you.
You're my best friend.
♪
MISTY:
And what about you?
♪
Am I your best friend?
- I don't fucking know!
I just don't want to die.
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me!
(grunts)
(growling)
(thud)
(panting)
(Chloe gasping)
- Let's go.
- Okay.
(footsteps running)
(electronic music)
♪
(engine starting)
♪
(tires screeching)
♪
(Misty exhales)
(beeping)
CHLOE: Misty, how did
you know it was me?
♪
(beeping)
- I knew my Chloe
wouldn't lie to me.
You only care
about yourself, so...
I knew that you wouldn't just...
tell me what I wanted to hear.
♪
(explosion)
SHAUNA:
Oh, shit!
(cheering)
Goodbye, aliens!
Peace out, bitches!
- Woo!
- Woo!
(Shauna and Aaron laughing)
(explosions)
AARON:
Yes!
(laughing)
- So they're all
dead now, right?
- Yup.
- Okay.
Can I at least
take you to dinner?
SHAUNA:
Nope.
AARON:
Okay, how about coffee?
SHAUNA:
Maybe.
(upbeat music)
So, as you can probably guess,
Misty unfollowed Chloe
and hasn't looked back.
And as hard as it is to believe,
her and I have actually
gotten kinda close.
I mean, she's still
a princess, but...
she's actually kinda cool.
And Aaron?
Well, he's still a doofus,
but we've been kind of
hanging out a lot lately,
and...I don't know.
Definitely not putting
labels on it or anything.
So, anyways,
that is the story of
how me and my friends
managed to stop
an alien invasion.
Wild, right?
I mean, me, friends.
Of course, the feds
showed up after
with, like, tons of questions
and not so subtly implied
that this was all
highly top secret,
and "snitches get stitches"
and all that, but...
well, fuck it.
There might be more
nests out there,
and it's not like
those G-men did much
to stop the last one.
Alan Moore once said that,
"The truth of the world
is that it's chaotic.
The truth is not some
finely tuned conspiracy theory.
The truth is something
far more frightening.
Nobody is in control.
The world is rudderless."
Well, bitches,
these broadcasts
are your instructions.
Seek and destroy.
Consider me your rudder.
(rumbling)
(tense music)
Well, shit.
Mom, they're back!
Get your shotgun!
♪
INDIANA:
♪ Bad luck ♪
("Bad Luck" by Indiana plays)
♪ Bad luck ♪
♪
♪ I'll be bad luck for ya ♪
- You just have to believe me,
that was not Aaron.
DIRECTOR:
Cut.
CHLOE:
Pretty sure it was Aaron.
- Maybe it was.
CHLOE: It looked like Aaron.
INDIANA:
♪ I'll be bad luck ♪
♪ I'm not superstitious but ♪
SHAUNA:
You guys ready to party?
- You don't have
to tell me twi--
Let me take that again.
(laughter)
Sorry.
Guys, you can't laugh
for every one.
You don't have
to tell me twice.
(laughing)
♪
INDIANA:
♪ I'd tread ever so carefully ♪
♪ 'Cause my bad luck
is your destiny ♪
♪ You keep suckin' it up,
suckin' it up, suck it ♪
(sobbing)
DIRECTOR:
Cut. Nailed it!
(laughing)
- Wow, you're just
lumping us all--
(blows raspberry)
INDIANA: ♪ You don't
even need to touch ♪
♪ Just one look and
I got you hooked ♪
♪ I'll be bad luck for ya ♪
- Chloe!
Sorry.
I don't know what that was.
INDIANA:
♪ Baby, if you decide to push ♪
♪ I'll be giving you
the bad luck, bad luck ♪
- How do we know that
you guys didn't just roofie
this town with
your radiated m--
Fucking fuck my life.
SHAUNA:
That's okay, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry, guys.
(groans)
INDIANA:
♪ Suckin' it up, suck it ♪
♪ Supernatural state of mind ♪
♪ You keep suckin' it up,
suckin' it up, suck it ♪♪
DIRECTOR:
Cut.
- I don't know
what just happened.
AARON: I don't know
what just happened.
(punk rock version of
"The Wild Rover" plays)
♪
- What?
- You should come
to New York with us
for spring break.
(speaking over each other)
MISTY:
What?
(laughing)
♪
YUEJIN:
Seatbelts, everybody!
(seatbelt getting stuck)
♪
SINGER:
♪ And I never will play
the wild rover no more ♪
♪ It's no, nay, never ♪
♪ No, nay, never, no more ♪
- Wow, I think I love you.
I love you!
Holy shit!
You're my dream woman.
Fuck, you almost shot me,
but I'm really
turned on right now
and I'm probably bleeding out
and that's probably why, but...
SINGER:
♪ No, never, no more ♪
♪ No more ♪
♪ I went to an alehouse... ♪
- What?
- So sorry, can we--
Sorry, can we start over?
Oh my God, what the fuck?
(laughter)
- She laughs every
time I look at her.
YUEJIN:
Okay.
SINGER:
♪ I asked her for credit ♪
♪ She answered me, "Nay" ♪
♪ "Such custom as yours,
I can have any day" ♪
- The fuck?
DIRECTOR:
Cut.
(laughing)
(cheering, applause)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
SINGER:
♪ Never, no more ♪
♪ And it's no, nay, never ♪
♪ No, nay, never, no more ♪
♪ Will I play the wild rover ♪
♪ No, never ♪
CHLOE:
Pot of gold, throw your cup!
- What?
- What?
(all shouting)
♪
SINGER:
♪ I never will play
the wild rover no more ♪
♪ And it's no, nay, never ♪
♪ No, nay, never, no more ♪
♪ No, never, no more ♪
- Well...
We're all fu--
SINGER:
♪ No more ♪
- Falafel.
SINGER:
♪ No more, yay ♪♪
♪
♪
- Hey, guys.
So I know my channel's been
off the radar for a while,
and no, I wasn't
abducted by lizard people
or sent to that top secret
CIA prison island,
which by the way
totally exists.
I've just had to
lay low for a while
'cause, well, I think
the feds are watching me.
And like, I mean, yeah,
of course they're
watching everybody,
but I'm talking like
special ops task force
kind of watching.
And normally,
I'd just lay low
till the heat's off,
but...well, sometimes,
the truth is more
important than safety.
So here goes.
♪
Okay.
It all happened a year ago.
St. Patrick's Day, actually.
Coincidentally,
the same day that
a meteor crashed into
our town back in the '70s.
It was supposed to just be
a night of college
kids getting drunk,
but a lot of people died,
like, a lot of people.
♪
(thudding rock music)
♪
(drunken incoherent chatter)
PARTIER: You little fucker,
come on.
(siren blares)
♪
SHAUNA: Welcome
to Emerald Springs
Did I mention we love
St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah, Chicago has the
whole green river thing,
but we do more of a green
river of puke thing.
What else would you expect from
a town full of college kids?
Or, as I call them,
"customers"?
SERGEANT: Officer Sullivan,
what's your 10 20?
DOMINIC: Yo, this is ridiculous.
I could literally arrest
every single person
on this street right now.
SERGEANT: Don't have enough
cells to hold them all.
Just let them celebrate.
- Fuck me.
You call this celebrating?
SERGEANT: I don't know
what to tell you, rookie.
You shoulda seen last year.
A whole pledge class took green
shits on the courthouse lawn.
DOMINIC: You're fucking
with me, right?
SERGEANT: Luck
of the Irish, man.
(laughter, blaring music)
- Shamrock shithole.
SERGEANT: Hey, Sullivan,
just make it through tonight
and beers are on me, all right?
DOMINIC: Yeah, I don't think
I'm gonna be drinking
for a while.
All right, I'm gonna
head towards the college.
SERGEANT: Okay, after that,
why don't you catch up
with the Massacre?
Just play babysitter and
make sure they don't all die.
DOMINIC: Let's go, kids.
(music blares, siren whoops)
(eerie music)
♪
Evening, ladies.
♪
(laughter)
Word.
SHAUNA:
Wow.
Swing and a miss,
Officer Fuckboy.
♪
(thud, slams on brakes)
♪
DOMINIC:
Shit.
♪
Fuck.
♪
Better be drunk or high.
Are you all right there?
♪
Are you okay there?
♪
The hell happened
to your clothes, man?
♪
Okay.
All right, hey.
- What happened?
- Oh--hey--take it easy, yeah?
You take something, hm?
Drugs?
Hey, are you--are
you a student here?
♪
Say something, man.
(chomp, roar)
SHAUNA: Okay, I know
what you're thinking.
And no, it's not zombies.
People always
think it's zombies,
but they have a totally
different pathology.
Just...you'll see.
(yells, exclaims)
♪
- What the fuck?
SHAUNA:
Like I said,
it's gonna be a
fucking crazy night.
- No fucking way!
(Kim Petras,
"There Will Be Blood")
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ Run for your life ♪
♪ Go on and say, go on
and say your last goodbye ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ You're gonna die ♪
♪ You'll never make it, never
make it through the night ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ Ain't no prayer that
could save you now ♪
♪ Ain't nobody can
hear you shout ♪
♪ When I'm pulling
you underground ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ Take a sip from
the devil's cup ♪
♪ Just a taste,
you won't get enough ♪
♪ Seal your fate
when you swallow up ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ Don't let me in,
I'ma ruin your life ♪
♪ I'm straight psychotic ♪
♪ There will be ♪
♪ This is gonna be
a hell of a night ♪
♪ I know you want it ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ Run for your life ♪
♪ Go on and say, go on
and say your last goodbye ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ You're gonna die ♪
♪ You'll never make it, never
make it through the night ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be blood ♪
♪ There will be ♪♪
(acoustic Irish music)
SHAUNA: You ever heard of
the porcupine's dilemma?
It's the one about
those little guys
who wanna cuddle
up for warmth
but they just keep
poking each other.
It basically means
getting close to people
hurts like a bitch.
This is Misty,
and she's smack-dab
in the middle of
her own prickly situation.
♪
Up until a few weeks ago,
she and Chloe were besties.
At least, that's
what she thought.
♪
GROUP:
Happy St. Paddy's Day!
♪
SHAUNA: This is why
I don't bother with friends.
Too much baggage
and very little upside.
If there's anything
my mom taught me,
it's family first,
yourself second,
and fuck everyone else.
But Misty's one of
those normal girls
who likes having people around.
She's hoping that they
can patch things up
the good old-fashioned way:
binge drinking.
♪
PARTIER: Hey, what's up, Misty?
SHAUNA: And what better way
than an all-night pub crawl?
They call this one the Massacre
because nobody
makes it out alive.
Figuratively
speaking, of course.
CHLOE: You waitin' on this
motherfuckin' bartender?
Stank.
I'm waiting like
30 minutes for a shot.
You know what?
Fuck this, motherfuckers,
I'm the bartender now.
Heads back, mouths open.
One for you,
two for you, cutie.
Hey! And one for me.
SHAUNA: And here's
the self-proclaimed
master of ceremonies, Chloe.
She loves to be the
center of attention,
and on a night like tonight,
that's not necessarily
a good thing.
♪
Misty and Chloe have
been attached at the hip
since freshman year.
But some shit went down
a few weeks ago,
and when Misty really
needed a friend,
Chloe was nowhere to be found.
I mean, I'd kick
her to the curb,
but Misty's loyal.
Or, I dunno,
maybe just pathetic.
- Sláinte!
(cheering)
Let's go!
- Hey, Chlo!
(Chloe screams)
- Misty!
You made it, girl!
Oh, shit.
That's amazing.
That's fuckin' hilarious.
- Yeah, I think I'm
finally ready to get
out the house again.
- I'm glad.
- Guess who?
CHLOE: Um, probably
some thirsty-ass nerd
that won't stop
following me around?
- More like the person
who just saved your dumb ass
from getting locked out later.
You dropped these
at the last bar.
- You're my hero.
- I know.
- I love you so much.
Misty, do you know Yuejin?
She just transferred
here from New York City!
She's fancy!
- No, I don't think--
I don't think we've met.
- We have.
I'm in three of your classes.
SHAUNA:
Meet Yuejin.
She is kind of a bitch,
always down for a good time,
and has a closet full of
clothes in Chloe's size.
All the makings of
a brand-new sidekick.
- Weird.
- You're gonna love her.
She's the third Musketeer.
SHAUNA:
Oh yeah.
Misty's definitely
being replaced.
- Great!
Welcome to the group.
- Thanks.
SHAUNA:
By the way,
I promise I'm in the story.
Just wait.
- For the queen of the bar.
Sorry, they told
me to say that.
- Who did?
♪
- Fucking gross.
- Who, Aaron?
- Wait, you know Aaron already?
- Yeah. I go here.
♪
SHAUNA:
Aaron Hamilton.
President of Beta Sigma Eta.
He and the rest of
these walking boners
call themselves the Wolf Pack.
Barf.
Supposedly, they throw
the best parties,
but they've also
got a reputation,
the bad kind.
♪
- Chloe.
What are you doing?
- Huh?
- Chloe!
- What?
No--ugh, no, Misty, he's not
like sexually harassing me
or something.
- Aaron is a sex offender.
Okay? And that
pigfuck next to him,
his name is Michael,
and you guys don't--
- We're not gonna do this
tonight, Misty, okay?
I'm not gonna ruin
our St. Patrick's Day
by drinking a roofied
green martini at 10:05 p. m.
(drink trickling)
Bye-bye.
[giggling]
- Chloe!
Oh my God.
CHLOE: But we do have
to take a picture.
- Of what?
- Of us!
While we're so cute,
before we're tear-streaked
vomit goblins.
- Yeah!
- Okay.
- Yeah, we haven't
taken one in a long time.
Yeah. Will you take it, please?
CHLOE:
No, no, no, all of us.
Yeah.
And you have the longest arms,
you should be
the one to take it.
- Okay.
PARTIER: Yeah, St. Paddy!
YUEJIN: What?
Who's "Drug Dealer"?
- Oh, I need this.
SHAUNA: For real?
I'm actually "Drug Dealer"
in your phone?
See? What'd I tell ya?
Yours truly.
- Get in this pic!
- No, no, hard pass.
The more selfies you take,
the more data AI has
to create deep fakes
with your images.
So.
Anyway, uh...
let's get this underway, yeah?
CHLOE: Yeah, yeah.
- Cool.
Uh, actually, maybe
you wanna go somewhere
less public?
- It's St. Patrick's Day,
nobody gives a shit.
(rock music plays in bar)
SHAUNA: All right, here's
a little pick-me-up...
- Okay.
SHAUNA:...for the
Queen of the Crawl.
Thanks.
- Thanks!
Who wants Adderall?
Gonna be a long fuckin' night.
MALE PATRON:
Hey, over here!
♪
- Hey.
You ever open one
of those things up?
They got like tiny little
microchips in there
that track your location,
habit of use,
conversations, everything.
- Isn't your phone
doing that anyway?
- No.
- Whoa.
- Who are you?
- I'm a local caregiver.
It's my job to stay woke.
Yeah, so I'm obviously
not like these princesses.
I actually grew up
in this town,
and some of us need
to work for a living.
Plus, your girl
here's off the grid,
so that sort of limits
the professional options.
But you can call me Shauna.
- It's a weird-ass holiday.
- I know, as if white
people didn't have
enough days on the calendar
to act like complete morons.
SHAUNA: If you wanna
have some real fun,
I have this organic
weed that's grown
out by the clover fields,
so it's laced with radiation
from that meteor that landed
there 40 years ago.
That's a true story.
Back in the '70s,
this huge rock crashed
on the edge of town
and my mom swears
it was actually carrying
larval stage
extraterrestrial metamorphs.
The whole thing is a
big government cover-up,
but...I'm getting
ahead of myself.
MALE PATRON: Oh, I got
something Irish for you.
- Oh, you're serious.
- Yeah.
- Mm, I'm good, no thanks.
- Okay.
Cool, uh...well,
I'm gonna go,
see if my sales pick up.
Keep an eye out.
- For what?
- For what?
[in suspenseful whisper]
- The end of the world!
♪
- The end of the world!
(laughter)
- Listen up, you
drunk motherfuckers.
It's time for the
tournament to begin.
(cheering)
And we'll begin
as we always do
with a little game
I like to call
the Troubles.
(cheering)
♪
- What's the Troubles?
- You'll see.
(rock music)
♪
CHLOE: Get in there, girl!
Focus, focus...
That's it!
Yes, bitch, yes!
You're getting it,
you're getting it.
♪
Wait--anarchy, anarchy!
Switch sides, switch sides.
You have to go
to the other side.
Bitch, go to the other side!
- Why? Where?
♪
Okay, go!
CHLOE: That's it,
that's it, that's it!
(shouting, clamor)
Get on your knees!
You're a leprechaun!
♪
We got it! Pot of gold!
Throw your cups! Pot of gold!
She's cool, right?
- Yeah, she's okay.
- That's high praise
coming from you.
♪
You should come to
New York City with us.
- What?
- For spring break.
Her dad has a penthouse
or something in Central Park.
It's gonna be fun.
- What happened to Cancun?
- I don't know, Cancun's
kinda like played-out, and
I didn't know if
that'd be your vibe
'cause of your funk.
- My funk?
CHLOE: Yeah.
Thought you weren't
in the mood to party.
- Chloe!
Michael drugged me.
I don't know what
happened to me that night.
But I know that there was
something in my drink,
I know that for a fact,
and I know that Michael
didn't just tuck me into bed
and watch me sleep.
Shit, I'm sorry if
I've been in a funk.
- Yeah, well that's all I mean.
(chanting, cheering)
- You don't believe that
happened to me, do you?
- Of course I do.
- Yeah, I keep
hearing you say that,
but I don't see it.
- Well, I just don't know
what to do about it.
All I can think to do
is be positive,
which I'm doing, but it
doesn't seem to be helping.
Plus, the Beta guys
aren't all bad.
And I've been hanging
out with Yuejin lately,
which...I don't mean
that in a weird way,
like instead of you.
- No, that's great, I get it.
Actually, keep doing that, yeah.
You just keep hanging
with your new best friend
and staying positive, okay?
- Misty.
Girl!
(subdued music)
(sighs)
♪
(thudding, groaning)
(sharp thud)
(groaning)
- Is everything okay in there?
(clattering)
("The Rattlin' Bog"
plays from bar)
(eerie music)
♪
(water running)
♪
(thud)
♪
(sighs)
(lively music in bar)
- Come on, St. Patrickses.
Get those fucking
snakes out of Ireland.
Winner gets shots!
SHAUNA: No, dude, look.
Everybody knows that the first
moon landing was faked.
It's, like not
even a conspiracy.
It's just a cover-up
for the real shit.
For example, did you know
that Paul McCartney died
in 1968 from a car wreck
and they replaced him
with a lookalike?
Also, Avril Lavigne.
Look it up.
- Can I have an Irish
coffee, please?
BARTENDER:
Sure thing.
MISTY:
How's your night going?
(blows raspberry)
- I'm not making
any sales tonight.
There's a weird
spell over the town,
it's very unusual.
- Mm. Illuminati?
- Or aliens.
- Ah.
- You know, some do say
Saint Patrick was an alien.
- That doesn't
make sense, though.
- Why? Do you not believe?
- Okay, the myth is Saint
Patrick drove the snakes
out of Ireland, right?
But since there weren't
actually any snakes in Ireland,
shouldn't your little
conspiracy theory be
"Saint Patrick saved
Ireland from aliens,"
not that he was
an actual alien?
♪
SHAUNA: This is
my impressed face.
Drink it in, because you
will not see it very often.
Whatever, okay, I...
I don't know.
All I know is that
there's something off
with the group dynamics.
When dealing with
alien invasions,
you always wanna
pay attention
to the subtle things.
Sure, this looks like
normal late stage
adolescent fuckery,
but something lurking
just beneath the surface
is askew.
It's a drug dealer thing.
I can feel it.
I'm not in a group,
so it's easy for me to see.
- Tell me about it.
- So you've noticed it too?
- Yeah.
No--I mean no.
I don't know, maybe it's
just the holiday, whatever.
(tense music)
♪
Oh my God.
Actually, you're right.
Something is wrong.
- You know, my mom
did see the meteor
that landed here
on St. Patrick's Day
in 197--okay.
♪
(gasps)
- Oh, sorry!
- Fuck!
Yuejin?
- Yeah, it's me.
They're making me
wear this mask
because I lost.
I don't even know
what game I was playing.
- All right,
just one second,
I just wanna talk
to Chloe real quick.
- Yeah. Will you just tell her
that I'm going to the next spot?
I gotta get out of here,
these fucking games
are killing me.
(he clears throat)
- Sorry, sorry.
Hey.
- Oh, hi.
- Did you see Chloe
over there a minute ago?
- Yeah, she just
left with some dude.
- Aaron?
- I don't know his name.
College guys only talk to me
if they want to buy drugs.
Guess he's a good boy.
- No, that's impossible.
- Well, I mean, unless he's
buying from Whiskey Dave,
but his shit's
mostly baby laxative,
so it's basically
not doing drugs at all.
- No, no, no, I mean
it's impossible that
she would leave with that creep.
- I don't know what to tell you.
Maybe you don't know your friend
as well as you thought you did.
(phone ringing)
Oh, shit! Speak of the devil.
Chloe Willis, hey girl.
Your friend's looking for you.
FEMALE: Now that
I think about it,
you are kinda cute.
- What is it?
MALE: Oh yeah?
FEMALE: A little bit.
- I don't know.
Butt-dial, maybe?
- Chlo?
MALE: Well, maybe your friends
just wanted me for themselves.
FEMALE: I'm pretty sure--
- Chloe?
MALE: Do you always--
SHAUNA: Uh, hey!
Hello?
That's my phone!
(muffled phone
chatter continues)
- Chloe, where are you?
Hey. Have you seen Chloe?
FEMALE:
Stop it! We are in...
- Chlo, where are you?
- Hey, what the hell?
- Come on, whoa!
- It's Misty!
(dark music)
Hey.
Have you guys seen Chloe?
- No.
♪
- Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Chloe, fuck! Sorry.
♪
(muffled phone
chatter continues)
FEMALE: Quit fucking
following me
and let go of me.
MALE: Let's go.
FEMALE: Let go of me.
I said let go of me.
I'm not playing anymore,
let go of me.
- Chloe, listen to my voice.
I'm right here and
I'm not leaving, okay?
Just tell me where you are!
FEMALE: Get off of me!
MALE: Stop fighting.
FEMALE:
Stop and let go of me!
Help! Let go of me!
Let go of me! Help!
Help!
♪
(call disconnects)
♪
(distant ringtone)
- Chloe!
♪
SHAUNA:
Hey! What the fuck?
Gimme back my phone.
- Fuck. Fuck, she's gone.
That fuckhead took her, fuck!
- Okay, okay, slow down.
- Fuck, that fuckhead!
Fuck! She was flirting
with him in the bar,
and then--and look.
- What, she's a Gemini?
- She doesn't just
drop her phone! Fuck!
- Okay, calm down.
Can I please just
have my phone back?
- Fuck your phone,
are you kidding?
SHAUNA: Okay, uh, do you
wanna call the cops?
Because if you do,
I can't really be here,
due to all the,
you know, drug dealing.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
SHAUNA: Look.
I don't have Prozac
because it's not really
the business model,
but here, take this.
- What? No!
- It's Xanax, you
need to calm down.
- Oh man.
SHAUNA: All right, look, look,
listen--hey, listen,
I know what a panic attack
looks like, all right?
Just trust me. Take this.
(Misty pants)
♪
MISTY: I'd call the
cops but I can't.
- Why not?
MISTY: I take it you've
never dealt with the cops
in a situation
like this before.
- I try not to, but yes,
I have dealt with
the cops a time or two.
- That's not what I mean!
Fuck! If I call 9-1-1
and tell them I saw
a drunk frat guy flirting
with my drunk friend at a bar,
they're gonna tell me
that's what college kids do.
If I tell them I actually
didn't see anything
and I have no idea
where they went,
they're gonna start
calling me "young lady"
and asking if I've
been drinking too
or taking some of the drugs
you just gave me, for example.
SHAUNA:
True.
It is hard to get people
to believe what they don't see,
and by the time they do,
it's usually too late.
- Oh shit.
Oh my God, no!
He probably took her back
to that ratfuck cesspool
- of a frat house.
- Okay.
So do you wanna go
and check if she's there?
- Shit.
No, I would, but...
no, no, I can't.
If I...
Fuck. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
I'm guessing you've
been there before?
♪
So this is when I
should have just said,
"Have a great night!
Good luck finding
your horrible friend,"
and gone back
to my normal life
of not dealing with
other people's shit.
But, fuck! Look at
this crying mess.
I mean, I'm tough, but
I'm not made of stone.
Plus, business was slow
and the Beta boys are always
willing to pay double,
so what the hell.
Um, mm-kay, fine.
I'm coming with you.
I'm coming with you. Let's go.
♪
- Wait.
♪
SHAUNA:
Oh, good. The Beta boys
are still getting smashed
on the pub crawl.
♪
You coming?
♪
Hey, what happened here?
- I don't remember.
It's kinda part
of the problem?
You know, you can't
file a police report
if you don't know what
you're filing it about.
I just--I woke up
here once, and...
♪
...all I know is nothing good
happens in that house, so.
SHAUNA: Yeah. I've
heard the stories.
MISTY: No one listened.
- Okay.
Well...I believe you.
And I'm not scared of
shit in this world, so...
Come on.
Let's go get your friend.
♪
Uh, yeah, hi.
Believe women, it's 2020.
And besides, no one
ever listens to me
when I say shit,
so I know how fucking
infuriating it is.
♪
Okay, where are the bedrooms?
MISTY: Through there.
(muted rap music playing)
SHAUNA:
What is that?
(tense music)
- Shauna.
♪
Shauna!
♪
(Shauna exhales with relief)
(muted rap music plays)
(dramatic tone)
- Can I help you girls?
SHAUNA:
Michael.
The biggest
asshole of them all.
Apparently, his dad's
some bigshot lawyer
so he thinks he can
get away with anything.
Can you believe he specifically
asked for roofies once?
Fucking moron.
I sold him a bottle of Tic Tacs
and I said they were
horse tranquilizers.
- Well, well, well.
Misty Carpenter.
It's great to see you again.
I been meaning to have
a civilized conversation
with you about some of the
things that you said about me.
SHAUNA: No, dude, we're
looking for Aaron.
Very important matters.
- Well, he's busy.
- Where is he?
- He's upstairs.
Uh, afraid I can't
let you do that.
- Why not?
- Like I said, he's busy.
SHAUNA: All right, dude, look.
You like Molly?
Here you go.
- You're good.
- Great.
MICHAEL:
Not her.
I need to clear up a few things
before we welcome you back here.
♪
(rattling pill bottle)
- How about now?
♪
- Fine.
♪
Misty!
♪
You ever wanna grab
a coffee and chat,
just let me know.
♪
(muted rap music plays)
♪
- God, we should
burn this place
to the fucking ground.
(knocking)
- Aaron, open the door.
(muffled screaming)
SHAUNA: What is it,
what do you hear?
- We need to open this door.
SHAUNA:
Wait--move, move, move.
Fuck.
MISTY: You just
carry that with you?
SHAUNA: Mama taught me
a thing or two
over the years.
And one of them
was that Boy Scouts
aren't the only ones who
should always be prepared.
This isn't the first
lock I've had to pick.
♪
(muffled screams)
(tense music)
♪
- Jesus Fuck,
you gotta untie me.
(Aaron pants)
- Where's Chloe?
- We need to get out
of here right now, okay?
MISTY: Not until you tell
me what you did with her.
AARON: Did with--what the
fuck are you talking about?
- Aaron, I saw you with her.
- Who?
- Chloe!
- Idiot.
- I don't know where Chloe is!
You guys saw us leave the pub
after she poured her
fucking drink on the ground.
MISTY: Right, and
then you came ba--
I saw you talking to her!
- I have no idea what
you're talking about.
I've been tied to this bed
for the past couple hours.
Look at my leg.
Look at my leg!
I'm lucky to be alive.
Fucking get me out!
MISTY: All right, I am
sick of this shit, okay?
I saw what I saw.
I know the cops
probably won't believe me
but I don't know
what else to do.
- Oh no--wait, wait--hey, wait.
Wait! Wait!
Hey, you, you!
Okay, hi. We left, all right?
You saw us leave the pub.
Okay, you can ask
anyone downstairs.
We came back here right after.
I wasn't with Chloe.
SHAUNA: It is strange how
you got here so quickly.
- Yes, yes!
MISTY: Hi.
I need to report a kidnapping.
- Fuck!
MISTY: Yeah.
At the Beta Sigma Eta
house on campus.
AARON: When's the last
time that you saw me?
- I don't know, like,
what, 15 minutes ago?
AARON: And in that time,
I got back here, I tied
myself to this bed and
bit out a chunk
of my own leg?
- They're on their way.
AARON: Great.
I need to report
that I was attacked
by some crazy fucking bitch!
SHAUNA:
You know what?
Just start from
the beginning, okay?
How did this happen?
(he exhales deeply)
- Wait.
You said that you saw
somebody at the pub
15 minutes ago
that looked like me?
- Not someone who
looked like you, asshole,
it was you.
- Okay.
Okay, this is gonna sound crazy.
I brought a girl
home from the pub--
not fucking Chloe--
and she was apparently
into some really kinky shit.
Things got really rough.
You know?
Little playful nibble
here and there,
and then she just
bit into my leg.
(flesh tearing)
I looked down and there's a
fucking chunk of my leg gone.
(slurping gulp)
♪
And there was something
weird in her eyes.
- What do you mean?
- It was like a--
it was like a green cloud.
(grunt)
And it freaked me out,
so I kicked her off me.
(sharp thud, grunt)
MISTY:
Right.
So where is she now?
- Well, this is the crazy part.
♪
She was on the ground and made
this insane fucking sound.
Like bones breaking.
And then she got up,
and I swear to God,
she suddenly looked like...
(screams)
- You?
- Yeah. Like me.
(Misty scoffs)
- I fucking knew it,
I fucking--I told you,
I told you there was
something in the air tonight.
- Are you serious right now?
You don't actually be-
- Okay.
This...thing,
where did it go?
- My boys had started
knocking on the door,
probably from
all the commotion.
It got scared
and it went out the window.
SHAUNA: This is
when shit gets real.
♪
(siren wailing)
♪
What did I tell you?
What did I tell you!
Not zombies, no--
fucking aliens.
Right? I mean, we've been
saying this the whole time.
And it wasn't really
the right time
to revel in it, you know,
but man, did it feel
good to be right.
And I know Misty was
still all concerned
about finding Chloe,
but alien invasion happening,
and we were right
in the middle of it!
And that's when I realized,
oh fuck, we were right
in the middle of it.
Tonight just took
a hard freakin' turn
from rescue mission
to fight for survival.
Now, trust, I've been
training for survival
my whole life.
But even if I could save myself,
could I save two princesses,
a frat guy,
and a still missing,
possibly dead party girl?
Well, that was a different
fucking story altogether.
(mellow hip-hop music)
- Because Jessica, she's got
the bottom but not the top,
you know?
Little bit of this,
little bit of that.
Oh shit.
DOMINIC: Yeah.
It's okay, fellas, relax.
St. Patrick's Day, I'm not
here to ruin the party.
- Is there something we
can help you with, Officer?
- Why are you guys still
hanging around here?
You guys should
be out partying!
Don't you like to party?
♪
- We like to party.
DOMINIC: That's good.
Gotta follow tradition.
Get wasted.
Trash the town!
MICHAEL:
Yeah, we're just...
we're just waiting for Aaron.
- You guys should head out now.
He'll catch up with you.
- It's cool.
We'll just wait for Aaron.
- No, you should go now.
(eerie music)
♪
Come on.
- Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
We will, uh...we'll go now.
- There we go.
St. Patrick's Day.
I'm your cool aunt
tonight, let's go.
You left your drugs.
Just--don't look.
All right.
♪
- Please just untie me.
I'm kinda bleeding out here
and I really need to pee.
Yes, finally.
MISTY:
Hi, hey.
- Anyone care to explain
to me what's going on here?
- He kidnapped our friend.
- Kinda looks like
the other way around.
- No--
- Who's your friend?
MISTY: Chloe Willis.
- And where is she?
- Ask him!
- I'm the one that got
attacked, sir.
Look at me.
- Who did that?
- He claims that he did.
AARON: That's not what I said.
- Okay, um, officer?
♪
I believe that
we are in the midst
of an alien invasion
in which imposters are
rapidly replacing the
citizens of this town.
♪
DOMINIC:
That's interesting.
It sounds a little far-fetched.
Sure you guys
aren't just drunk
like everyone else in this town?
SHAUNA: Something lurking
just beneath the surface.
Fucking askew.
MISTY: No. No, no, no, no!
AARON: Okay. Can you please just
untie me, sir?
MISTY: No!
Um, excuse me, sorry,
what are you doing?
- I'm gonna untie him.
- Thank you.
MISTY: Aren't you
gonna like investigate
or something?
DOMINIC: I'm taking
him to the station.
- What?
Why am I being
arrested, for what?
- Just standard procedure.
- How is it standard procedure?
I didn't do anything.
- Excuse me, officer, sir.
Um, Aaron actually
isn't our main concern.
We just wanna find
my friend Chloe Willis.
- We'll be on
the lookout for her.
It's a small town,
I'm sure she'll turn up.
MISTY: No, no, no,
you don't understand.
Chloe--Chloe literally doesn't--
SHAUNA: Hey, hey, hey.
♪
(Aaron exclaims)
- Dude, can you at least
let me put my clothes on?
SHAUNA: Okay, look, so what
I was trying to tell you earlier
about the meteor that
landed here in 1978?
It was on St. Patrick's Day.
MISTY: Shut up!
I don't wanna hear about some
fucking conspiracy theory
right now, I'm
talking about Chloe!
- I know that!
I am too.
I'm talking about her and
Aaron and this entire town.
- Aren't you supposed to do
the whole Miranda thing?
Am I under arrest?
Hey.
(thud, groan)
Can you please just
give me a first aid kit
for my wound?
- Get in.
♪
- Fuck!
(thud)
♪
(Aaron yells)
(thud)
(sounds of struggle)
♪
(ringtone)
- Is that...
♪
YUEJIN:
Chloe, are you okay?
- Yuejin, it's Misty.
YUEJIN:
Where's Chloe?
- We're trying to figure
that out right now,
I was hoping you knew.
YUEJIN: People are
losing their minds.
I think I've seen like
12 fights break out
in the last hour.
I just saw someone
biting a person like
a fucking zombie movie.
SHAUNA: No, not zombies;
they're alien imposters.
YUEJIN:
What?
Who is that?
- It's Shauna from the pub.
- Where are you right now?
YUEJIN: I'm leaving
the pub crawl.
Seriously, it's like
everyone is tripping balls
on bath salts.
- Okay. We're at the Beta house.
Just come meet us here.
YUEJIN:
Okay.
- Fuck.
(groans)
(tense music)
♪
- Oh, fuck no.
(thud, grunt)
♪
(faint yelling)
- Wait!
(thudding, squelching kicks)
Told you he's a psycho!
- He's one of them,
he attacked me.
Look--come look.
(Aaron sighs)
SHAUNA:
Holy shit.
Fuck me.
(Aaron sighs)
♪
- Yup, as I suspected.
Imposters don't bleed red.
Most people would be
grossed out by alien blood,
but this is what I call
bona fide proof, y'all!
- Can somebody please
just uncuff me?
SHAUNA:
Yeah, sorry.
(Misty gasps)
(handcuffs unlocking)
♪
SHAUNA:
Oh, fuck.
- All right, I don't know what
the fuck is going on tonight,
but that's the second one
that tried to attack me.
SHAUNA: Yup, you are
lucky to be alive.
This alien imposter
was out to kill you.
I'm thinking it's because the
one who attacked you earlier
got your DNA and became you.
You know, that's
how they operate.
- That's impossible.
- Not for aliens.
- So that's who was at the
pub with Chloe, my imposter.
- That means they got Chloe.
- Not necessarily.
I mean, you know, he escaped,
so it's possible she did too.
YUEJIN: Hey, Misty!
- Yuejin! Over here!
YUEJIN: What's happening,
why are the cops--
Oh, what the fuck?
AARON: Yup.
YUEJIN: What is that?
And why is he covered
in green goo?
Hello, what the hell's going on?
SHAUNA:
What does it look like?
Alien invasion, Yuejin.
They're finally coming
out from hiding.
- Is she still
for real with this?
♪
- Hey, wait,
where are you going?
AARON:
I need a fucking Band-Aid.
♪
(Aaron groaning in pain)
♪
Okay, easy, easy.
♪
What do you think they want?
SHAUNA:
Great question, but...
I'm not really concerned
about that right now.
It's happening whether
we want it to or not.
[sneering]
- Okay.
♪
Sorry, I just...
This is all completely crazy.
Like, I feel like I'm in
someone else's acid trip.
Your acid trip.
SHAUNA:
Hey, don't kill the messenger.
YUEJIN: No, it's gotta
be something else.
Aliens is just absurd.
SHAUNA: Okay, well,
you can go take a look
at the alien cop outside
if you want more proof.
AARON:
Oh, fuck.
We left him outside.
Somebody's gonna notice that.
SHAUNA: I think I know
where we need to go.
I think we may be able
to get some answers.
YUEJIN:
To what?
An alien invasion?
- And weapons.
- Weapons?
SHAUNA: You can never
be too prepared.
YUEJIN: Okay...
(Aaron groans)
(Aaron exhales)
SHAUNA:
Hey.
What do you think, Misty?
(Misty breathes deeply)
MISTY:
I just...I told her
to stay away from them, and I...
I just don't get why
she didn't believe me.
- Stay away from who,
the imposters?
- No.
Aaron.
All the guys at the pub.
- You told her to
stay away from me?
- Yeah.
You, Michael, all of you guys.
- Wow.
So you're just...
lumping us all together?
- Well, you're, like,
a frickin' pervert mafia.
AARON:
Hey.
I'm not Michael.
♪
- So then why didn't you
do anything about it?
♪
Right.
AARON:
Wait, Misty.
♪
(Misty exhales)
♪
(Misty sighs)
♪
(eerie music)
♪
- Chloe?
SHAUNA:
Misty, you ready to go?
♪
- Chloe?
♪
(music intensifying)
(music softens)
(sighs)
♪
(growling)
Shit!
(intense music)
They're here!
♪
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!
(growling)
♪
(car beeps)
SHAUNA:
Hey, wait, wait!
Where's Aaron?
AARON [muffled]:
Help! Help!
Somebody fucking help me!
Help! Help!
♪
(gunshot)
SHAUNA: Like I said,
always be prepared.
(soft music)
- I think I love you.
SHAUNA:
Gross.
- You just have a gun on you?
SHAUNA:
Got it off the dead alien.
I'm driving.
(tense music)
♪
Oh, shit, get down. Get down.
♪
(panting)
♪
- Should we just go?
♪
SHAUNA [whispering]:
No, no, just stay low.
♪
They don't know we're here.
♪
- So is everybody
just an alien now?
SHAUNA:
I mean, I don't know,
but these guys are
definitely not normal humans.
AARON:
How do you know that?
(thud)
- They're loading
the officer's body
into the truck.
♪
YUEJIN: How'd they know
the body was here?
They are a hive mind.
♪
SHAUNA:
Okay.
I think we're good.
♪
(engine starting)
(tires screeching)
♪
- God, we really are in the
middle of nowhere, aren't we?
Can't believe people
actually live out here.
It's a real shithole.
SHAUNA:
Yup.
♪
- Hey.
Can I ask you
a personal question?
- Okay.
- Are you really Irish?
- What?
- Your shirt, it says,
"Kiss me, I'm Irish."
- Oh my God.
(Misty sighs)
(Aaron clears his throat)
- Hey.
- Dear God, what?
- Do you still think
I'm the kind of guy who
would've kidnapped your friend?
- One hundred percent.
AARON: I'm not like the rest
of the guys in my house.
- Aren't you, like,
a registered sex offender?
- No.
No, no, that's a--
that's a stupid rumor
that started
after I was arrested
for peeing in public.
- What?
- Yeah.
Indecent exposure
is what they call it.
After everything with Michael,
I guess it was just
an easy rumor to start.
♪
- Cool.
I guess congratulations
for not being a rapist.
- It was actually a really
good learning experience.
I did community service,
I started coaching
and volunteering,
and I even changed my major
from marketing to education.
- What is happening right now?
What is this, some kind of
12-Step-for-Misogynists thing?
You get a chip for each woman
you manage to convince
you're not a monster?
AARON:
Misty, I'm not a bad guy.
[sarcastically]
- No, of course not.
You just hang out with bad guys
and party with bad guys
and live with bad guys,
but, no, I'm sure
you're not a bad guy.
♪
- You know what, you're right.
I fucked up, okay?
I should've done something,
and I didn't.
I need to learn
from my mistakes,
and I need to be better.
So I hope you can forgive me.
♪
- Thank you for saying that.
♪
And I know that
you're not Michael.
♪
- We're gonna find her.
♪
- Okay.
♪
(sighs)
♪
SHAUNA: We needed
a safe spot to lay low,
regroup, and strategize,
and even though it
may not look like it,
trust me, this is the safest
place in town right now.
♪
(keys jingling)
(door unlocking)
♪
(gun cocking)
(gasping)
Mom.
Could you get the gun
out of our faces please?
Meet my mom.
She never taught me
how to cross-stitch,
but I can assemble
a Beretta M9 in 10 seconds,
blindfolded.
AARON:
Holy shit, that's your mom?
- What did you bring
into my house?
♪
- They're, um,
friends of mine, I guess.
You can trust them.
We came here because...
we need your help.
You were right, Mama.
About all of it.
They're here.
♪
- Well...
we're all fucked.
I mean, the fact that
you even got this picture
means it's too late.
I've been calling
this for years.
I told everyone about them,
little organisms on that meteor,
back on March 17th, 1978,
but they--they all
thought I was crazy.
- We believe you.
That's why we're here,
asking for your help.
MS. SHORE:
You don't believe me!
You're just all in trouble.
You know, that's the problem.
Folks need everything
to make sense
before they believe
what's happening
right in front of them,
and by then, it's too late.
YUEJIN:
Wow.
That is totally depressing
and unhelpful.
I'm ready to go.
- Where are you off to?
- I don't know,
back to New York.
MISTY:
Stop it, we need to try.
♪
Please, Ms. Shore, please.
Just--God, just tell us
what to do, okay?
My best friend is
still out there.
(laughing)
Please.
♪
- They were as small as bugs
when I first observed them,
and it appears that, well,
they're finally evolving
into human size.
You know, them--them
shape-shifting imposters,
they're just taking
orders from the nest.
- The nest?
MS. SHORE: They're like ants.
Super alien ants.
Once you destroy the nest,
they'll all come down.
SHAUNA:
Right.
They're just gonna keep
taking over human beings
with their kind,
so they multiply.
YUEJIN:
You expect us to believe that?
That's insane.
The most logical explanation
is that this town is
infected with something.
Not aliens.
MS. SHORE:
I don't expect anything
from you, young lady.
And you seem the type that's
too smart for her own good.
MISTY:
Okay, look, let's just say
that there's a nest somewhere.
How do we destroy it?
(dubstep music)
♪
(lights powering on)
(soft electronic music)
♪
(whistling)
MS. STONE:
There's some C4
in that backpack
on the third shelf.
YUEJIN: C4?
MS. SHORE: What?
How else are you
gonna blow up the nest?
AARON: I don't think we
know where the nest is.
Do we?
Oh!
- Sorry.
No, we haven't seen it yet.
- Okay, well, when
the meteor first hit,
it was in some field
next to that old,
abandoned Miller warehouse.
AARON:
The Miller warehouse?
That's the last stop
for the pub crawl tonight.
They're probably already there.
- That's why this is happening.
The aliens are
defending themselves
against a bunch
of drunk assholes
showing up at the nest,
and the nest must be
inside that warehouse.
(Yuejin laughing)
MS. SHORE:
Is something funny?
YUEJIN:
Yeah!
This whole thing.
Everything we've seen tonight,
all these nonsense theories
you guys are coming up with.
- I know what I know,
and I saw what I saw.
So if you're not interested
in what I have to say,
then you can kindly fuck off
out of my house, young lady.
- You know what,
it's not a bad idea.
I should go.
- Where?
YUEJIN:
Anywhere not here.
I don't know what's going on,
but we're just
asking for trouble
if we go to that warehouse
and join back up
with the pub crawl.
MISTY:
Yuejin, we have to find Chloe,
and we need all the
help that we can get,
so cut this shit out.
YUEJIN:
You really don't get it, Misty.
Yeah, I'm not gonna stick around
for this hillbilly,
E. T. bullshit.
Good luck with the nest.
MISTY: Yuejin!
Yuejin!
(footsteps departing)
♪
- All right, let's gear up.
♪
AARON:
Hey.
You sure you're ready for this?
MISTY:
I don't think we have a choice.
♪
YUEJIN:
Fucking Podunk town.
(eerie music)
♪
Oh, shit.
♪
MS. SHORE:
Where'd you get that?
SHAUNA:
Dead alien.
(gun cocks)
AARON:
Yuejin, what the fuck?
What happened?
YUEJIN:
Hey, wait!
I changed my mind.
I'm coming with you guys.
- What happened?
- One of them chased me.
I got away, but, fuck,
that was stupid.
You were right.
We should stick together.
♪
- Welcome back.
All right.
You guys ready to party?
- You don't have
to tell me twice.
- Let's do this.
♪
- I'll be back, you know.
- I know you will.
- You gonna be okay here?
♪
- What the...
♪
- What'd you say happen to
that guy who chased you again?
- I guess he just took off.
♪
What?
- We clear?
AARON: Yeah.
SHAUNA: Then fuck it.
Let's just go.
♪
(doors closing)
(engine starting)
Okay, so we find the nest,
blow it up, save Chloe...
and the world?
No big deal.
Okay, so at this point,
we are armed, slightly buzzed,
and ready to kick
some alien ass.
Oh, in case you're wondering,
the nest is the physical nexus
of the metamorph
psionic neural net.
Like, uh, alien Wi-Fi.
The shared brain
that controls them all.
At least that was the theory.
Nobody had ever seen it before,
but if it existed,
which we were, like,
98% sure that it did,
aliens would totally keep
it hidden because it's,
like, a kill switch
for their entire army.
Luckily, though,
neural energy has
a limited range,
so we knew that
it couldn't be far.
But, uh, as we were
driving around town,
we started to realize that we
might be running out of time.
Normally there'd be kids
all over the place,
running around,
drinking, making out,
puking, making out again
with puke breath,
but it was just...empty.
Like a ghost town.
Best I figured,
most of them had
already been replaced.
Ipso facto, dead.
♪
AARON:
Shauna?
You okay?
SHAUNA:
Yeah.
- Are you sure?
♪
- I don't know.
Part of me should be happy
because me and my mom
were fucking right
the entire time,
but I'm also kind
of freaking out
because us being right
means that people are dying
and the world might end.
- That's pretty dark.
SHAUNA:
Yeah.
(Yuejin laughs)
- What?
- You really care
about her, don't you?
- Chloe?
She's my best friend.
YUEJIN:
Best friend?
Hmm, so then what happened
these last few weeks?
(sighs)
- It was just...
the whole thing
with me and Michael.
♪
I just remember
telling Chloe about it
the next morning and...
and I couldn't tell if
she believed me or not.
♪
But that's just Chloe.
♪
She never really takes
anything seriously,
and life is just
fun and carefree.
♪
- Hmm.
Sounds like...
Chloe made the right choice.
MISTY: Excuse me?
- Well, I can't blame her.
You're a glutton for punishment
who surrounds herself
with drama and psychosis,
like a conspiracy theorist
and her mom, for example.
AARON: Yuejin, chill!
SHAUNA: Hey, fuck you!
MISTY: You don't know
anything about me and Chloe.
- In fact, I don't know
how Chloe ever put up
with your bullshit.
- Stop the car.
- What?
♪
- Stop the car!
♪
(tires screeching)
♪
YUEJIN: What the fuck, Misty?
MISTY: Get out!
AARON:
Hey, what's going on?
- This bitch is an alien.
- What are you talking about?
MISTY:
She sees an alien,
lives to tell about it,
and then there's--
there's no evidence
of this so-called alien
when we get outside
because she's one of them!
YUEJIN:
She's just pissed off
because Chloe's replacing her
with me as her number one.
- Oh, fuck off!
AARON:
Okay, this is crazy, you guys.
SHAUNA:
Is it though?
She did disappear for a while
and came back with
this brand new attitude,
and we've seen
weirder shit tonight.
- It's because I
was trying to avoid
going on a suicide mission.
- Oh, so then what happened?
Why are you here now?
YUEJIN: And how do we know
that you're not an alien?
You and your mom?
How do we know that you
guys didn't just roofie
this whole town with
your radiated weed?
- What the fuck did you just
say about me and my family?
AARON: All right, come on.
MISTY: Guys.
There's an easy way
to settle this.
(knife clicks)
♪
We're all gonna
prick our fingers,
and everyone who
bleeds red is human.
♪
- I'll do it.
♪
(pricks)
MISTY:
All right.
I appreciate the support, Aaron,
but we all know
that you're human
because of the gaping
flesh wound on your leg.
AARON:
Oh, yeah, right, right, okay.
MISTY:
So, who's next?
- Since you're the
one accusing people,
why don't you go?
MISTY: Fine by me.
♪
(groans)
♪
YUEJIN:
See, she took us
to that creepy old
hoarder's house,
a woman who, by the way,
conveniently told us
to blow up a warehouse party
based on some bullshit story
about the nest or whatever?
- Well, maybe you don't
want us going to the nest
because you're
a shit-sucking alien fuck!
YUEJIN:
And maybe you're as crazy
as your fucking mama is.
SHAUNA: Fuck you!
MISTY:
Okay, Shauna, just show her
that you have human blood.
- Give me the fucking knife.
♪
I'll show you the truth.
AARON:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey!
MISTY: Oh my God!
SHAUNA: Fuck!
- Oh, look at that.
Not an alien.
♪
(knife clanks)
SHAUNA:
Don't let her get the bag!
♪
(groaning)
(stabs)
♪
(dripping)
♪
MISTY:
Oh, man.
Fuck.
Fuck, let's go, let's go.
Come on.
SHAUNA:
Okay.
♪
AARON:
And then there were three.
♪
(dance music playing)
♪
MISTY:
This is the place?
SHAUNA: Yup, this is
where it all started.
AARON:
Do you think we're too late?
MISTY:
Only one way to find out.
(slams)
Oh my God.
(laughter)
Shit.
(laughter)
What do you think, aliens?
- I think they're just drunk.
MISTY:
Well, should we warn them?
AARON:
Yeah.
Hey! Don't go in there!
GROUP:
Fuck you!
AARON:
Well, they're dead.
♪
(doors opening)
♪
(sighing)
♪
So, do we think Chloe's here?
SHAUNA:
It's the end of the crawl.
She has to be.
♪
All right, once
we find the nest,
I'll plant the charges
and set the timer
for five minutes.
Aaron, you pull the fire alarm.
Everybody will evacuate,
and we'll bounce before
we're blown to bits.
AARON: So, what are
the rules of engagement
for humans and/or aliens?
- Rules of engagement?
- Chill out, Ramboner.
Just assume everyone's
an alien, all right?
Punch or stun them with weapons
if they get too close
or aggressive.
- What if it's Chloe?
- No exceptions.
♪
All right, y'all.
Last chance to pull
the ripcord and bail.
- No way, José.
We're in this together now.
(sighs)
♪
- Yeah, let's do this.
♪
(door opening)
♪
AARON:
Um, where is everyone?
MISTY:
Did they just go home?
SHAUNA:
Fuck.
Maybe everyone's
already an alien,
and these people are too wasted
to realize that they're next.
AARON: This is the
lamest pub crawl ever.
MISTY:
Do you guys see Chloe?
SHAUNA:
Hey, hey, where are you going?
MISTY: I'm just looking,
I just wanna--
- No, come on,
we gotta stay focused
and stay together.
Let's keep going.
♪
MICHAEL:
What's up, bro?
AARON:
What the fuck, Michael?
- What the fuck is this?
(grunting, punching)
(breathing heavily)
♪
MISTY:
What?
I thought you said
no exceptions.
♪
- It's red.
He's not an alien.
- Either way...
Come on.
(sighs)
♪
SHAUNA:
Okay, well,
I mean, it wouldn't just
be out here in the open
for everyone to see it, so...
♪
(dripping)
Weird alien goo dripping
from an unknown source above us.
- It's probably up there.
♪
- All right.
Let's check it out.
♪
(chain rattling)
♪
Jesus Christ.
- Oh my God.
- Wow.
♪
- How did your mom
predict all this?
- She first discovered them
when the meteor hit,
and then she spent her
entire life researching.
Nobody believed her.
Everybody just thought
she was, like, wasted
'cause it happened
on St. Patrick's Day.
AARON:
Once we destroy this thing,
all the aliens will die, right?
SHAUNA:
Well, that's the theory.
♪
- Well, let's blow this shit up
and get the hell outta here.
♪
Whoa. You sure you know
what you're doing?
- Yeah, yeah. Me and Mom
used to blow up cars
at the junkyard all the time.
I was like six,
but I still remember
the process.
AARON:
That's really reassuring.
♪
(gasps)
♪
- She's here!
AARON: Who?
- Chloe, Chloe,
she's down below.
- No, no, no, no, no,
do not go down there,
no exceptions!
- Chloe, Chloe!
♪
Chloe?
CHLOE: Misty!
Dude!
(squealing)
Holy shit!
MISTY: Chloe, I'm sorry
for walking away from you
at the pub and
leaving you alone...
- You won't believe the shit
that's happened to me tonight.
First of all,
Aaron attacked me.
Did you--did you not hear me?
Aaron attacked me,
he's a psycho.
- Girl, it is a long story,
but just believe me,
that was not Aaron.
♪
(beeping)
AARON:
Ugh, you are nasty.
What are you made out of?
SHAUNA:
All right, timer's set.
We have five minutes
to get back to the car.
Whoa, whoa, wait,
what are you doing?
Don't fucking touch it!
You just tripped
some alien alarm.
(timer beeping)
Oh my God.
Fuck, you are such an idiot.
We really have to
go now, come on.
(timer beeping)
♪
- No, no, no,
it was for sure Aaron,
and he for sure attacked me.
♪
- What was that?
CHLOE:
What the fuck kind of noise?
(growling)
What is happening--
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hi, uh, timer's set,
we gotta go right now.
CHLOE:
Oh, no, no, no, no!
AARON:
Hey, you found Chloe.
CHLOE:
Get the fuck away from me.
MISTY: Chloe...
AARON: What?
- Okay, Chloe,
Aaron didn't attack you.
- What?
Misty, I know what happened.
This is not your
made-up bullshit.
AARON: Wait, wait, how do
you know she's not an alien?
- I'm sorry, what?
AARON: Here, here,
check her blood.
CHLOE:
What did he say?
(Chloe whimpering)
MISTY: It's okay,
it's me, it's me, okay?
I know this doesn't make
sense at all right now,
but this is something
that we have to do
to make sure, just trust me.
- I'm not gonna let you cut me!
You're fucking crazy!
I knew you were fucking mental!
SHAUNA:
Hey, hey, hey, last chance.
If I get to the car and
you guys aren't there,
I swear to fuck
I am taking off.
The bomb's gonna go
off any minute now.
- Now there's a bomb?
SHAUNA: Yes, a bomb!
And Aaron just let
every alien in town
know that we're here.
We gotta go now.
Get to the fire alarm.
We need to get
everyone out of here.
- Chloe, are you kidding?
CHLOE:
Get away from me, psycho!
(knife clanks)
(growling)
- Oh, shit!
(screaming)
(shouting)
(intense music)
♪
(screaming)
(growling)
♪
(screaming)
(fire alarm ringing)
(screaming)
♪
(shouts for help)
(screaming)
(panting)
(shouting)
AARON:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Fuck, Aaron!
What are you doing?
- Um, I'm saving you.
- Which way is the exit?
- It's that way, come on.
♪
(beeping)
(fire alarm ringing)
♪
(groaning, growling)
- Chloe!
♪
Let her go.
CHLOE:
Get the fuck off me.
(alien sounds)
- Oh, I'm gonna kill
the fuck outta you.
♪
CHLOE:
Fuck, Michael, get off of me!
Let me go, you psycho fucker!
(door closes)
♪
[muffled]
Get the fuck off me!
(screams)
Fuck, did you just bite me?
♪
Fucking psycho.
♪
(shivering)
- Misty?
- Holy fuck!
- Oh, fuck.
- Shoot that thing!
Shoot it, it bit me, it bit me!
- I don't even know what
the fuck is happening,
and no, I did not!
SHAUNA: Don't move, I will
kill you both if I have to.
AARON: Um, guys, the clock
is kinda ticking here.
SHAUNA: Well, dude,
you better hurry up.
Which one is it?
CHLOE A: Misty, it's me.
- Misty...
CHLOE A:
You gotta believe me.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck.
(panting)
♪
(Chloe sobbing)
- Hey, Chloe?
(whimpering)
Do you trust me?
- What?
- To do this,
to choose the right one.
Do you trust me?
- Of course I trust you.
You're my best friend.
♪
MISTY:
And what about you?
♪
Am I your best friend?
- I don't fucking know!
I just don't want to die.
Please don't kill me.
Please don't kill me!
(grunts)
(growling)
(thud)
(panting)
(Chloe gasping)
- Let's go.
- Okay.
(footsteps running)
(electronic music)
♪
(engine starting)
♪
(tires screeching)
♪
(Misty exhales)
(beeping)
CHLOE: Misty, how did
you know it was me?
♪
(beeping)
- I knew my Chloe
wouldn't lie to me.
You only care
about yourself, so...
I knew that you wouldn't just...
tell me what I wanted to hear.
♪
(explosion)
SHAUNA:
Oh, shit!
(cheering)
Goodbye, aliens!
Peace out, bitches!
- Woo!
- Woo!
(Shauna and Aaron laughing)
(explosions)
AARON:
Yes!
(laughing)
- So they're all
dead now, right?
- Yup.
- Okay.
Can I at least
take you to dinner?
SHAUNA:
Nope.
AARON:
Okay, how about coffee?
SHAUNA:
Maybe.
(upbeat music)
So, as you can probably guess,
Misty unfollowed Chloe
and hasn't looked back.
And as hard as it is to believe,
her and I have actually
gotten kinda close.
I mean, she's still
a princess, but...
she's actually kinda cool.
And Aaron?
Well, he's still a doofus,
but we've been kind of
hanging out a lot lately,
and...I don't know.
Definitely not putting
labels on it or anything.
So, anyways,
that is the story of
how me and my friends
managed to stop
an alien invasion.
Wild, right?
I mean, me, friends.
Of course, the feds
showed up after
with, like, tons of questions
and not so subtly implied
that this was all
highly top secret,
and "snitches get stitches"
and all that, but...
well, fuck it.
There might be more
nests out there,
and it's not like
those G-men did much
to stop the last one.
Alan Moore once said that,
"The truth of the world
is that it's chaotic.
The truth is not some
finely tuned conspiracy theory.
The truth is something
far more frightening.
Nobody is in control.
The world is rudderless."
Well, bitches,
these broadcasts
are your instructions.
Seek and destroy.
Consider me your rudder.
(rumbling)
(tense music)
Well, shit.
Mom, they're back!
Get your shotgun!
♪
INDIANA:
♪ Bad luck ♪
("Bad Luck" by Indiana plays)
♪ Bad luck ♪
♪
♪ I'll be bad luck for ya ♪
- You just have to believe me,
that was not Aaron.
DIRECTOR:
Cut.
CHLOE:
Pretty sure it was Aaron.
- Maybe it was.
CHLOE: It looked like Aaron.
INDIANA:
♪ I'll be bad luck ♪
♪ I'm not superstitious but ♪
SHAUNA:
You guys ready to party?
- You don't have
to tell me twi--
Let me take that again.
(laughter)
Sorry.
Guys, you can't laugh
for every one.
You don't have
to tell me twice.
(laughing)
♪
INDIANA:
♪ I'd tread ever so carefully ♪
♪ 'Cause my bad luck
is your destiny ♪
♪ You keep suckin' it up,
suckin' it up, suck it ♪
(sobbing)
DIRECTOR:
Cut. Nailed it!
(laughing)
- Wow, you're just
lumping us all--
(blows raspberry)
INDIANA: ♪ You don't
even need to touch ♪
♪ Just one look and
I got you hooked ♪
♪ I'll be bad luck for ya ♪
- Chloe!
Sorry.
I don't know what that was.
INDIANA:
♪ Baby, if you decide to push ♪
♪ I'll be giving you
the bad luck, bad luck ♪
- How do we know that
you guys didn't just roofie
this town with
your radiated m--
Fucking fuck my life.
SHAUNA:
That's okay, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry, guys.
(groans)
INDIANA:
♪ Suckin' it up, suck it ♪
♪ Supernatural state of mind ♪
♪ You keep suckin' it up,
suckin' it up, suck it ♪♪
DIRECTOR:
Cut.
- I don't know
what just happened.
AARON: I don't know
what just happened.
(punk rock version of
"The Wild Rover" plays)
♪
- What?
- You should come
to New York with us
for spring break.
(speaking over each other)
MISTY:
What?
(laughing)
♪
YUEJIN:
Seatbelts, everybody!
(seatbelt getting stuck)
♪
SINGER:
♪ And I never will play
the wild rover no more ♪
♪ It's no, nay, never ♪
♪ No, nay, never, no more ♪
- Wow, I think I love you.
I love you!
Holy shit!
You're my dream woman.
Fuck, you almost shot me,
but I'm really
turned on right now
and I'm probably bleeding out
and that's probably why, but...
SINGER:
♪ No, never, no more ♪
♪ No more ♪
♪ I went to an alehouse... ♪
- What?
- So sorry, can we--
Sorry, can we start over?
Oh my God, what the fuck?
(laughter)
- She laughs every
time I look at her.
YUEJIN:
Okay.
SINGER:
♪ I asked her for credit ♪
♪ She answered me, "Nay" ♪
♪ "Such custom as yours,
I can have any day" ♪
- The fuck?
DIRECTOR:
Cut.
(laughing)
(cheering, applause)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
SINGER:
♪ Never, no more ♪
♪ And it's no, nay, never ♪
♪ No, nay, never, no more ♪
♪ Will I play the wild rover ♪
♪ No, never ♪
CHLOE:
Pot of gold, throw your cup!
- What?
- What?
(all shouting)
♪
SINGER:
♪ I never will play
the wild rover no more ♪
♪ And it's no, nay, never ♪
♪ No, nay, never, no more ♪
♪ No, never, no more ♪
- Well...
We're all fu--
SINGER:
♪ No more ♪
- Falafel.
SINGER:
♪ No more, yay ♪♪
♪