Inside No. 9 (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Death Be Not Proud - full transcript

_

Are you allowed to do that?

What do you mean?

Put nails in the wall.

We can do what we like, babe.
We own it.

Oh, yeah.

I can't quite believe it.

I can't believe we got 100
grand off the asking price.

But, then again,
under the circumstances...

Don't, Sam.

I don't want to think about it.



So does that make
us grown-ups now?

We'll be having dinner parties.

Talking about
catchment areas next.

- Well, maybe we should.
- What?

Might be nice to invite
the neighbours round.

Have a bit of a flat warming.

- Nah.
- Why not?

I don't want people treating
it like a guided tour.

"Let's go and look round
that serial killer's flat."

Bea, it's not a serial
killer's flat, OK?

It was one dismembered body...

that they know of.

What?!

I'm kidding!
Look, it was a long time ago.



They replaced all the numbers,
I'm sure no-one really remembers.

I'll remember it.

I'll remember it every
time I'm in that bath

where there's been
a body chopped up.

Nah, they replaced the bath.
The agent said.

- Oh, and you now believe what estate agents say, do you?
- I believe

we've got a quarter of a million
pound flat at half the price.

- What time are you back?
- About half four.

I hate it when you work nights.

Yeah, me too.
That's when mistakes happen.

Like poor Mr
Hargreaves last night.

They actually told
me to prick his boil.

Sam...!

I'll see you later.

Oh, for God's sake.

Beattie, what's wrong?

We need to move.

Yeah.

Yeah, that would be great.

Thank you.

Right, they're going to try and get
in touch with the previous owner,

see if he can shed any light.

Babe, I'm sure it's just
because you're unsettled.

You know, thinking about
the whole unpleasantness.

You are susceptible...

I know what I saw, Sam!

I didn't put the Hoover on the
table and you certainly didn't

because you've never
touched it in your life!

Right, well,
we've done what we can.

Ok?

I'm tired.
I'm going to go for a shower.

And, uh, don't worry - if
blood starts coming out of it,

I promise we can move. OK?

Hello?

Hello.

I'm David Sowerbutts,
and I used to live here.

- Are you sure you don't want a cup of tea?
- No, thank you.

Do you have a smoothie?

No.

I haven't done a big shop yet.

Not long moved in,
as you can see.

My mum used to make me
smoothies with a machine.

A blender?

No, her name was Maureen.

She used to live here, too.

These were her eyes.

Sorry?

She used to dress up
and do impressions.

Party nights,
that sort of thing.

She used these for Tina Turner.

Right.

Well, it's very strange.

They've just appeared
in the hallway.

I hate to ask, but...

did your mother pass
away in this flat?

She did, yes.

But I don't like to
remember her that way.

I remember her
being full of life.

We got on really well.

We were more than flatmates.

Well, you were mother and son.

Oh, yeah, that as well.

Is that all of it?

I think it's dry now.

I know it is.

We took an interest in
each other's hobbies.

Mum liked to play the Bontempi.

I liked learning
about serial killers.

Did I meow like a cat
when I was arrested?

- No.
- Right, so I'm not Jeffrey Dahmer. Your go.

Did I kill a family member?

- Yep.
- Wife?

Yeah, you're warm.

John Reginald Halliday Christie?

No. Dr Crippen. I win.

Crippen's not a serial killer.

He only killed his wife.
It's nothing.

Yeah, don't be a bad loser,
David. You were close.

They've both got bald
heads and round glasses.

Who was I, anyway?

Ed Gein! I should have asked, "Did
I dance around in the moonlight

with a silver
vagina on me face?"!

She sounds...

..lovely.

She was.
We were very happy here.

But, then, one day,
I found out she'd caught cancer.

- I'm sorry.
- Well, it's not your fault!

She was very brave about it.

There.

Now, I've cut you a little
bit behind your ear,

- but it'll scab over.
- Thanks, Mum.

You're going to have to learn how
to do all these things for yourself

when I'm gone.

- Don't say that.
- Well, you will.

What did your scoutmaster
used to say to you?

Don't tell anyone.

Yeah... Not that.

Be prepared.

You need to be equipped
with essential life skills.

I am!

Left, right, stalagmites, stalactites,
cos mites crawl up and tights hang down.

OK, that's good,
but there are other things.

You've got to be able
to feed yourself.

I'll have a flask of beans.

Oh, you need more than that.
I'll leave you my recipes.

You can do carbonara - which is
spaghetti hoops in salad cream

with a bag of Frazzles mixed in.

And, for pudding, you can
have me New York cheesecake -

Dairylea triangle
on a digestive.

I don't want you to go.

I know you don't, David.

And I don't want to go.

Let's hope it's a long way off,
eh?

But it wasn't.

I wish I could kill Death.

Then he wouldn't be
able to kill you.

You can't have a world
without Death, David.

He finds you in the end.

"One short sleep past, we wake
eternally, and death shall be no more.

Death, thou shalt die."

Did you just make that up?

No, John Donne.

It's "John did", David.

_

It's "John did".

Without Mum, things were
harder than I thought.

She was right.

I wasn't equipped
with many life skills.

But luckily I had a friend
who came to look after me.

Hello, David.
I brought you a smoothie.

- Mango?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

I met Emily at my job doing
Murder Mystery Evenings.

We bonded over our shared
passion for Jack the Ripper.

- Nichols, Tabram, Chapman...
- No, no, no.

Martha Tabram was not considered
one of the canonical five!

Oh, yeah. So, Nichols, Chapman,

NCSEK!

Nichols, Chapman, Stride,
Eddowes, Kelly NCSEK!

That's it.

You are so clever, David.

Thank you.

I know, let's both say our
favourite victim after three.

One...

two...

three...

Mary Kelly!

I need a wee.

Would you like to come with me?

Yes, please.

She encouraged me to make a fresh
start and move on with my life.

I came to realise that, with Emily, I
was filling a hole where Mum had been.

Excuse me,
do you have any Wagon Wheels?

No. Sorry.

Well, it doesn't matter.
I just like them.

So did Emily move in here, then?

Yes.

For a while,
everything was fine, and then...

it all started to go wrong.

David?

Just going to the shops.

Haven't seen my keys, have you?
Agh!

What's going on?

Why have you got
my mum's brooch?

It was in my bag.

If you want to keep any of
her things, I don't mind.

Not bothered.

Well,
I noticed you brought that back.

I didn't.

It's OK, David. I understand.

Your mother was a big
part of your life.

I can see why you wouldn't
want to let her go.

See you tonight.

What are you doing getting
rid of all my things?

Mum?!

You know that blue cardie
you got me for Mother's Day?

It's currently in Wood Green Dogs
Trust with a sticker on it for 30p.

How do you think
that makes me feel?

I'm sorry.

Emily said I should
try to move on.

Never mind what Emily said.

I've seen what you
get up to in here.

I'm disgusted with you.

What do you mean,
you've seen us?

Do you hide in a cupboard?

I don't need to hide, do I?

I'm beyond the veil!
I can do this...

You've got superpowers!

Could you go and watch
the Queen doing a poo?

Yeah, I have done.

She takes ages.

What's it like? The afterlife?

Well, there's different areas.

It's like a cruise ship.

I haven't got access to what you'd
call "the upper deck", but...

I'm telling you, David,
it's much more fun down below.

What do you mean?

I've met 'em all - Bundy,
Chikatilo, Nilsen...

Jeffrey did his cat
noises for me last night.

He's a scream.

I knew he would be!

I can't wait to tell Emily.

You'll tell her nothing!

She's a whore!

She is my girlfriend
and I love her very much.

- And do you trust her?
- Yes.

Why?

Cos I'm in this flat all day,
David, and I see things.

You might want to come home early
one day - say, Wednesday, two o'clock.

And while you're on it, why don't you
ask her why she's got two mobile phones?

What?

Hello?

Oh, hey, is Emily there?

No, sorry.

Would you like to
leave a mess...?

That must have been very scary.

It was.

But not as scary as what I saw
on Wednesday at two o'clock.

If you want to lie back.
That's it.

Go on,
have a little suck on that.

Ooh, you are a big boy,
aren't you?

That's it. How does that feel?

Nice and tight.

Emily?!

David. Why are
you back so early?

What's going on?
Who are all these people?

It's OK. It's only David.

Me not like David!

Want him to go!

Robin?! What are you doing here?

Me not Robin! Me Sally-Ann!

Sally-Ann fwightened!
Sally-Ann go poo-poo!

No Sally-Ann, no poo-poos.

We've just changed your nappy.

You...you play with this.

Just going to talk to David.

David,
I know what this looks like.

It looks like you're having
a sex game with our ex-boss!

No, it's not a sex game.

They pay me to treat
them like this.

Why?

Well, I don't know.

But...

they just like being babified.

For me, it's the joy of
going back to a simpler time.

A time when one had
no responsibility.

And a few hours of being released from
the stresses and strains of adulthood

it does me the power of good.

It really is quite harmless,
David.

Well, I think it's disgusting!

I want you all to get out!

Out, now!
And you can take that with you!

David, don't throw the babies
out with the bathwater, please!

Mum was right.

She told me you
weren't to be trusted.

You are a whore!

I was sorry to hear
about your mother, David.

I only met her a
couple of times,

but she struck me as being
a most formidable woman.

Wherever she is, I know
she'd be very proud of you.

I am proud, David.

Very proud.

After I calmed down, I realised
I'd made a terrible mistake.

I'd forgotten to record Fred
Dinenage's Murder Casebook.

As well as that, I'd upsetted
Emily and that made me sad.

Please don't go!

It's no good, David,
you can't talk to me like that.

I know. It...

It wasn't me!

Who was it, then?

Did a dog make you do it,
like David Berkowitz?

No, it was...

It was a mistake.

I'm sorry!

I only didn't mention the job
because I was embarrassed.

Well, you don't have
to be embarrassed!

I like babies.

So do I.

I'd like to have a baby.

Shall we make one?

Yeah, all right.

But normal sized, though,
and not with a beard.

All right.

I'll stay and have
a baby with you.

But on one condition.

You've got to get
rid of your mother.

What?!

Oh, yeah, sorry.
I forgot to say.

When my mum died, I kept her
body on ice in the bathtub.

I thought I could bring her back to
life, but they haven't invented it yet.

The ice melted,
and...she went a bit off.

Oh, God.

The next morning we gave
Mum a proper send-off.

We took her to the recycling centre
behind Shopping City in Wood Green.

We split her between garden
waste, general rubbish and metal,

on account of a, erm...

Then Emily and I set about
making a baby together.

It was nice.

And a few months later,
Baby John was born.

I loved him.

I wanted to be a better father
to him than my father was to me.

September 30th 1888.

saw one of Jack's most audacious
acts, known as The Double Event.

On this soggy, miserable night, he
managed to slaughter two victims...

We even threw him a party
to celebrate his birth.

Right, I'm going to introduce
you now to Mr Bunny!

Do you like, erm,
rabbits, little, er...

What's his name?

John.

John? That's imaginative.

You like rabbits, John?

This is really hard for me,
you know, with him being a baby.

Normally, they can reply and
get a bit of banter going.

Anyway, your money.

Er, let's get this rabbit out,
then, shall we?

Come on, that's it,
Mr Bunny, don't be shy.

Oh, fuckin' hell. Stabbed it.

Yep, right in the eye.
Another one gone.

Er, I'm going to need a brick
for that. Finish it off later.

Anyway,
do you like balloon animals?

What's his favourite animal?

- Monkey.
- No, fuck that.

He can have sausage dog,
snake or giraffe.

Snake, please, Mr Jolly.

Jelly!

Turns out we'd
booked the wrong one.

Anyway, Emily got a new job
working at an all-night chemist's.

Like Sam.

He works night shifts. He
should be back soon, actually.

Oh, I didn't mind.

It meant that I had more
time with baby John.

We were so happy together.

Then she came back.

You're going to need more
salt than that, David.

Mum? What are you doing back?
I thought...

Thought you got rid of me?
No, David.

I'm your mother.

Mothers don't leave their sons.

And speaking of
which...who's this?

Baby John.

Baby John!

He reminds me of you, David.

Big, fat,
simple face and a stinky bum.

But...we recycled you.

We laid you to rest.

Not quite.

You couldn't stop yourself,
could you?

You did an Edmund Kemper.

Kept your mother's head...

and bricked it up in the wall.

It was true.

I wanted her close by,
so she could keep an eye on me.

It was a mistake.

You'll never guess who
I met last night, David.

Jack.

The Ripper?

He don't like being called that,
but, yeah.

And he's really nice.

- You know who he is?
- Yeah.

I can't tell you, cos there
are certain protocols, but, ha,

you won't believe it.

- Is it Tumblety?
- Not saying.

- It's not Clarence?!
- I'm not telling you, David!

But there is a way to find out.

What?

Kill yourself.

Cut your wrists now,

and in ten minutes I'll have you
chatting away with Jack the Ripper,

identity known.

- I can't!
- Why not?!

I've got to look
after baby John.

Well, that's easily remedied.
Just kill the baby, David.

No.

You'll do as you're told.
Kill that baby!

- I don't want to.
- David, pick up that baby!

Now bring it over to the stove
and we're going to get it boiled.

I want Emily!

She's not here. I am.

Now drop it in.

Sorry.

David!

David...

what are you doing?!

Give him to me!

It was Mum! She's come back...

She made me do it!

Your mother is dead, David!

Dead! Dead! Dead!

Emily called the police
and told them everything.

About Mum, the bath, the baby.

Nobody would believe me.

I got taken away...and I
haven't seen them since.

But her head's still here,
isn't it?

That's why she's not at rest.

I came as soon as I heard.

I think you could be in danger.

I think you two have
chatted long enough.

It's time to do a bad murder.

No, Mum.

I won't do it.

You can't make me.

I wasn't talking to you.

That's it, David.

It's all right.

We'll be together now.

Forever and ever...and ever...

Babe, are you up?

How did you get on
with Mr Sowerbutts?

Bea?

So, remember, I'm going to
be back a bit late tonight,

but I'll leave the
radio on for you.

Keep you company.

See you later!