Inside No. 9 (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Zanzibar - full transcript
Strangely-farcical goings-on are in store for a group of unwitting guests, who have all booked adjoining rooms on the ninth floor of the Zanzibar hotel in London.
LIFT BELL CHIMES
Welcome to Hotel Zanzibar. I see you
have not stayed with us before.
But, please, feel free to linger
in our corridor
and take a butcher's
around the ninth floor.
The residents who, here, will spend
the night like mountaineers
at base camp, they just might be on
their way up, or on their way down.
Some wear an anorak, others a crown.
Are all here to meet their fate
head-on.
Will Lady Luck smile on you,
come the dawn?
Who knows?
For I'm just here
to link their ships
and smile and smile
and hope for decent tips.
Mr Blue and Mr Brown
are in the building.
For shame, Henry,
why speak you to your cuff?
There's no-one here.
You're armed. Yes, sir. So, chill.
The fact that we use
pseudonyms is enough
to keep me safe from harm, surely.
But, still, I made an oath
to your father the king
that I would keep you
in my sights all week.
His enemies would not hesitate
to bring a gun to a knife fight.
Henry! Let me speak.
You are our country's future,
dearest Prince.
My job's to save you
from any grievous plot.
But all this talk of murder
makes me wince.
Like this iambic foot,
you're stressed. I'm not.
Now, let me to my room.
Good night, God bless.
I take it we have all the channels.
Yes.
Ah, Mr Brown,
your luggage is within.
Do you need a tour of the room?
Not fussed.
And, Mr Blue? I'm in 912, going.
And, just so you know,
that tip's from both of us.
Sleep well, sweet prince.
He shall not live the night.
It is understood assassins
wish him dead
to cleanse our country
of his family's line.
So, when Prince Rico
meets my little friend
and grief does shake
the old King of his wits,
my father
stands in readiness to rule.
Then I will wear
the Prince's crown instead.
And I'm in 911...
..not 912!
Young man, come here.
A word with you, I pray.
I wish to speak more plainly,
if I may.
Sir, it's the only language
I understand. Good.
I wish to order some
room service which is off menu,
if you catch my drift.
I do indeed, sir.
Would you care to describe the dish
you have in mind?
Female. Mm-hmm.
Redhead. Mm-hmm.
Mature. Oh!
Willing to indulge in some
slightly unusual practices.
No problem. Yellow or brown?
What? Does Sir prefer the water sign
or the earth sign? Oh, water.
Oh, absolutely.
Here...
The other half will come...
After you do. I understand.
Leave it with me.
I know just the girl for you.
Oh, happy days!
The fates they do conspire.
I'll profit
from another man's desire.
Yes? I'm sorry, sir,
but may I trouble you?
There is a strange man in my room.
Which room?
It's one of these
but which I cannot say.
Things fall out of my head
so quick these days.
Did you not see
the sign upon my door?
Do not disturb me,
please, I do implore.
Sir, he's got me all aquiver.
And here he comes!
He means me harm. Mother!
I'm so sorry. She wanders off a lot.
Come back to bed,
you're missing Emmerdale.
Is this your son?
I don't know. Yes, I am.
She knows me not,
it's such a sorry tale.
She took a tumble nipping into
Boots, this was in August. 1953.
She hit her head
and now her memory's gone.
My memory's fine!
For them days, not for these.
She's like a goldfish
that you win at t'fair.
You mean, she's going to die
within a week? No!
She swims about
but nothing is retained.
We're trying this new memory
technique.
Are you my husband?
No, he's just a man.
A man who wishes
to be left in peace.
If that is all,
I'm going to close the door.
I met him once on Coronation Street.
Oh, mother!
I can't believe you made me
walk in heels.
A taxi would have been, like, ã15.
Then you make me
carry all these bags.
You know full well my back
is really bad.
Why pay a boy in uniform a pound for
doing something we can do ourselves?
Sweetheart, don't be angry with me,
please. You have the key card?
Yes, I've got it here.
Doesn't seem to work.
Don't know why.
What if I pop it quickly in and out?
Just like our sex life. Amber!
Sorry.
No joy.
I'll go back to reception.
You wait here.
No joy.
No joy we've had for ages now.
Ten years together.
Maybe that's our peak.
Our love has turned as stale
as last week's bread.
Long gone the days
when he made my knees weak.
A night in a hotel
won't be enough to keep my heart
from all this nagging doubt.
Do I extend my holiday with Gus
or do I pay my bill
and then check out?
Madame, are you locked
out of your room?
Yes, my boyfriend's
gone to fetch another card.
Oh, they are most unreliable.
Boyfriends?
No, the key cards.
But I know what you mean.
My Fred, he's the bellboy.
He can be a bit tricky sometimes
but he's got a good heart.
Have you been together a long time?
Oh, yeah, ages. 15 weeks.
He is forever trying to drag me
into one of the empty rooms
for a bit of how's your father.
But that turns me right off
because my father's dead.
At least he's attentive.
Yeah, he's always standing to
attention, if you take my meaning.
But there is nothing
he wouldn't do for me.
So, do you want me to let you in?
I've got a pass key.
No. Do you have
any other rooms available?
Um, there's nobody booked in 913.
I can show you in there,
if you like.
You're right.
A woman should be wooed. With care.
Oh, no!
We haven't had it off in there.
Excuse me, Miss.
I hate to be a bore.
I was looking at my key card
And I saw the number
of this room is 911.
For me to stay in here
can't be done.
You do not like the number, sir?
No way.
Well, 914 has just come free today.
Oh, I'm very superstitious
as a rate.
To stay in 911's tempting fate.
Well, at least,
you haven't had to travel far.
Have you taken anything
from the minibar?
No, but will you tell the bellboy
on this floor
the watersports will now be 914.
What watersports?
We haven't got a pool.
Excuse me,
I am missing a plug for my bath.
It's not electric, sir, that would
be dangerous. To keep the water in!
Oh, that kind of plug. I'll try
and find you one, Mr... Green.
Poor girl,
she does not know the reason why
I need a bath plug urgently.
For that,
which stops the water running out,
will stop also what little life
there is in me.
When these blue rivers
in my wrist do run and mingle
with the cheap bath salts and soap
then will my guilt
drain out with them to sea.
And will my children mourn?
I can but hope.
My boys.
My twins were given up at birth.
Their mother died,
I was still in jail.
One stayed in England,
one was sent abroad.
I know not what became
of either one.
So, tonight,
I will put me to my sword.
But for a bath plug.
Then, 'tis quickly done.
I have the new card here, Amber.
She's gone.
Perhaps she is inside.
Or has she flown?
Oh, these sodding key cards
never bloody work!
I must have held
it near my mobile phone.
Colette, my dainty dumpling
is going to meet me here for a bit
of how's your dead father.
Leave it on the latch.
Well, the key cards
can't be trusted.
Oh, sir,
may we speak plainly once again?
Of course. You're barking up the
wrong tree. Your room is down here.
911.
Oh, I see. That'll be why the card
refused to work.
Your room service is on its way.
Oh, great.
Bring it straight up, will you?
And, um, be discreet.
Naturally.
Anything else I can help you with,
sir?
No, thank you.
Oh.
Oh.
Very kind, sir.
From ã50 to 20 pence?
What did I do wrong?
She's not yet here.
My plan is now afoot.
I have arranged for an apple tart
to be brought to our room,
but unbeknownst to Amber,
a ring is baked within.
And when she takes her first
big bite of that confectionery,
I will, I hope, she'll say.
And, merrily, we'll marry.
I need a wee.
Be quiet, have some tact.
We must discuss the tariff
for this act. I have to pay?
No, madam, I pay you.
ã1,000.
And how much for a poo?
So, were you once a redhead?
Oh, behave.
I said mature,
not dug up from the grave.
Will you do bondage?
Yes, there's every chance. I did
a course at St John's Ambulance.
I'm glad that you are keen,
that's good to know.
Just tie me up
and you can let it flow.
You know I'm staying
in here tonight?
OK. I need some space.
I care not what you do.
You really are a pig!
What's that? Who's this?
Just go back to bed
and I will join you soon.
No longer in the shadows can I lurk.
'Tis time for me
to attend my grisly work.
But wait, if I am
to be blameless of this deed,
then must I have an alibi as fact.
I did just see
the hypnotist downstairs.
He really did a very funny act.
But wait. What if I could be
the hero of the hour?
As if I've fought
to save the Prince's life,
I'll cut my face
to illustrate my lie.
But what
if I go too deep with a knife.
Oh, come, Henry, stop equivocating!
Act.
The time for dilly-dallying
has gone.
Just raise your hand
and stab his bleeding heart.
I hope I didn't leave
the talkback on.
Hello? Hello.
BELL RINGS
Excuse me, Miss,
do you have my plug?
I do have a plug
but probably not the kind you mean.
Are you the gentleman from 911?
Mr Brown?
I am Mr Brown's security adviser.
What mean you with him?
He's ordered some executive relief.
The details of which
are not for you to know.
Suffice to say, he is the
executive... And you are the relief.
Well, I'll certainly be relieving
myself. Now, let me in, please.
I've got another slot
to fill at ten.
May I ask your name?
Tracey, but people call me Red.
Well, then, Little Red.
How would you to increase your fee
tonight threefold?
You've pricked my interest.
What did you have in mind?
My master has a meeting
in the morn of great import.
I don't want him up all night.
Neither do I, believe me.
After you and he have done the deed,
he, most like,
will imbibe a glass of wine.
Into his cup, this tincture pour.
It is a sedative to help him sleep.
Oh, fine.
I thought you were after
a spit-roast.
No, I just had a sandwich.
Good evening, sir,
I trust that all is well.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
The room is very nice.
I hear you ordered a tart this
evening. I did. Has it arrived?
Just now. Bring it in.
Thus, when the Prince
in deepest slumber lays,
then will I strike
and so avoid his gaze.
Better he dies
still thinking me a friend.
This wench has helped me
bring about his end.
Mother! Mother!
She's vanished from the room.
Two minutes in the shower
and she's gone.
I thought Emmerdale and Corrie
was enough to keep her busy
but she's done a bunk!
I'm sorry to disturb you once again.
You haven't got my mother in there?
No! Why can't you people
just leave me in peace?
Can you not see
that I'm tied up right now?
God knows what goes on behind
these closed doors.
Don't ask, don't tell,
as Mother always says.
BELL RINGS
I'd better find her quick
before she falls.
I'll try the hypnotism show
downstairs.
I saw your hypnotism show
downstairs. It was really good.
Thank you, child. I was exceptional
tonight, though I say so myself.
It is a potent combination of
neurolinguistic programming
and my persuasive vocal technique.
Yeah.
I liked it
when they had to do the hokey cokey
every time you shouted
spaghetti bolognese!
Aye, well, it is important to
entertain as well as educate.
One sometimes has to paint
in primary colours.
This is your room, 916.
Thank you, child.
I'll take a glass of vino
when you're ready. Of course.
And the lady I was telling you about
is there in 913. Ah, yes.
Unhappy in love, you say.
She seems to be, but then I heard
her boyfriend order this.
It has an engagement ring inside.
How very tacky!
She just needs a little persuasion,
that's all.
Is that something you could do?
My child, I have hypnotised smokers
to stop smoking
and fatties to stop eating.
I'm sure I can use my skills
to make true love bloom again.
It would be nice to have
a happy ending,
for I feel I am partly to blame.
Come, I'll take you to her.
Yes? Excuse me, Madam.
This is Vince De Trans.
He's the hypnotist at Zanzibar.
I once regressed a lady
through past lives.
Turned out she was a maid
of Cleopatra.
What on earth has that
to do with me?
If we could come in for a moment,
you will see.
Here you are, Madam.
And I thank you for your pains.
I'm not sure what just happened,
but thanks, Mister.
Would you ever consider
girl on girl?
I did once share a bunk bed
with my sister.
Well, I know my door begins
with number nine.
Oh, this one's open,
guess it must be mine.
Madam! What mean you by this?
Like a scalded she-cat
you have sprayed me!
Why else are you paying me?
Paying you? Paying you?
You have done me
the most disgraceful wrong.
I will see that you are
sorely punished.
Fine. But that'll cost you extra.
Now, come, sirrah,
and take a sip of wine.
Madam, I have take had quite enough
of your fluids. I'll take no more.
What seems to be the issue here,
sir?
Her issue is my issue!
This harlot, this creature,
this redheaded whore...
Yes? ..has just...
I can scarce get out the words.
Has just...
..used me as a privy!
Excellent!
And I trust it all went swimmingly.
He refuses now to pay.
Oh, I must insist you pay the lady,
sir.
Otherwise, she is wont
to stay and make a fuss
and, whilst we're on it, perhaps you
could supply the other half of this?
Have I gone mad?
Has the world turned upside down?
I am assaulted on all sides
then ask to pay for the pleasure.
That's the idea.
Is this some kind of role-play?
Pay me my money!
I will not!
Will you please be quiet!
You keep me from my work.
Look, Red. You wait up here awhile
and I will soothe his ire.
I'm hungry and you promised me
a meal.
Here, take these leftovers.
Leftovers? Look!
Here, have this.
It hasn't been touched. OK.
Give me but two minutes, I prithee.
Now, child, the ritual is complete
and she is in a trancelike state.
When you bring her boyfriend
to her door,
she will look upon him
with new-found ardour
and passionately embrace him.
Thank you, Vince.
Cupid himself
could not have aimed more true.
I'll fetch him right away.
Ah!
Perfect.
Hello, kind sir.
I am Colette the maid.
I'm on an errand,
if you would be led.
Ah, good the maid.
You must have read my mind.
There's been little spillage
on the bed.
Oh, but, sir. I mean...
No, Mrs Hargreaves, you're in here.
918. Are you my son? No. Oh.
I had him with me
but he's forever wandering off.
BELL
I have searched every floor
from one to nine.
Of my mother, alas,
there is no sign.
I curse the day
that she went into Boots.
She only wanted
Schwarzkopf for her roots.
She slipped and went down
like a tonne of bricks,
covered from head to toe
in Tixylix
Oh, I should never have let
her from my sight.
I pray that someone's
seen her here tonight.
Ah, hello.
What angel is this
knocks upon my door? Sorry?
My heart has burst
and overflowed with joy.
A vision of such beauty
and rare poise.
I did do ballet lessons as a boy.
Thine eyes are pools
wherein I see myself.
Thy apple cheeks are soft
as new-fallen snow.
What are you doing?
Two cherry lips,
I long to take a bite.
I'm going to be reporting this!
Thy firm physique
doth make my juices flow!
It's very nice to meet you,
Mrs... Miss!
And I intend to have you now,
right here!
There is a little problem
with that plan.
I hate to have to tell you,
but I'm...
..not looking for a relationship
at the moment.
If you just come with me.
Alas, what's this?
Fair Amber
with another man entwined.
She must have seen him first.
Madam, desist!
Your boyfriend's here.
I do not care for him.
This man, this god!
This vision is my love.
Come, let me see thy mighty sword.
Go away!
I wish to keep my sword
within its sheath!
It's more like
a little dagger anyway.
Sir, speak you to your girlfriend
and explain. She has the wrong man.
I know her not. She slapped my face.
The woman is insane.
Insane with love!
And there is but one cure. Oh, God!
I've waited long enough in there!
Pay up!
Pay up? For what?
I know not what you mean.
This hotel is full of madwomen,
I swear.
You take the piss!
No, you took it from me.
Oh!
Mother! Where have you been?
You had me worried.
I found her wandering
in the corridor.
Here's 50 for your trouble.
Mother!
Where did you get that money from?
From him.
Give me that money, grandma!
I've earned it.
Well, I earned it, too.
Though how, I can't recall.
You did screw my boyfriend.
Did you, Mother? It's all my fault.
I've messed it up.
Calm down.
We just need to untangle
what is tangled.
This gentleman was booked in 914.
No, that is Mr Brown from 911.
In bed with Red
while Amber was next door.
Then, Mr Green in 915...
His bath plug!
..and Blue in 912.
Who have I missed?
Red, Amber, Green.
Am I coming or going?
We need to
speak to Vince the hypnotist.
Prince Rico, what has happened?
Aren't you tired?
I thought you would be sleeping now.
With this? You have to give me
shelter from these people
Good Henry,
you're the only one I trust.
Oh, Amber. There you are, my love.
I've missed you.
I've not missed you,
you necrophiliac.
I'm sorry?
I saw you in your room
with that old hussy.
Excuse me, I'm not that old!
She means me.
I know I haven't been
the perfect boyfriend.
But I want to show you this.
Is this my cake?
You have to know
what lies beneath this dome
is a symbol of what you mean to me.
Ooh.
As proposals go, I have seen better.
It's not the most romantic thing
to show, a load of old bones.
Excuse me, that's my mother.
Do you mean me? Who are you again?
This should have been...
An apple tart? I ate it.
There was a diamond ring
concealed within.
Your ring has gone
from one tart to another.
Why don't you shut your mouth,
you stuck-up b...?
- Ow!
- Mother!
Calm down, let's put you back in
here.
How are you feeling, Mother?
Are you OK?
How many fingers am I holding up?
Oh, Robert!
I can't see without my glasses.
What did you say?
I said I can't see.
Well, you just called me Robert.
Well, that's your name.
A mother ought to know her son.
Good God. That slap,
it must have brought you back to me.
Oh!
Amber, listen, I do love thee.
She is bewitched,
I cannot break the spell.
Just tell us, Vince, what do we need
to know to make this right?
I'm sleeping now. Good night.
Has he been drinking?
He had a glass of wine.
Urgh!
Then I take matters
into my own hands.
Don't touch me with those trotters,
you fat pig!
With true love's kiss,
I aim to break the spell.
No, don't!
Sorry.
No, I meant don't stop.
I thought she's your girlfriend.
Mother, please.
Poor Gus!
I don't know what came over me.
It wasn't me,
I can promise you that.
I love a happy ending,
don't you, Fred?
In 917, there's an empty bed.
Of this confusion,
I have had my fill.
Excuse me, Miss.
I'd like to pay my bill.
AARRGGHH!
For the final time, will you be...?
What's this?
Two peas from the same pod,
both shelled.
Do my old eyes deceive me,
or could I be looking at
the sons I briefly held?
I was adopted as a child.
And I.
I never knew my father.
Until now.
I pray you, sirs,
do not an old man mock.
We must get to the bottom of this.
How?
The proof, it is behind you.
For my boys both bore
a birthmark on their bare behinds.
It was a most unusual shape.
I know!
It looks just like...
BOTH: ..the chair
from Mastermind!
It's true. I saw it on his bum.
It makes me think
of Magnus Magnusson!
Give me but one moment, I implore.
I won't need
that bath plug any more.
I always felt that I was but a half.
Lacking not just
a father and a mother.
Meeting your other half
makes you a whole.
Does that sound wrong?
It's nice to meet you...
..brother.
Oh!
Lovely!
So, all is resolved.
Just like a theatre play.
And I can get my happy end away.
Not so fast!
Everybody stay
exactly where they are.
I'm sorry to break up
this pretty scene
but I have unfinished business
with Prince Rico.
I pray you, sirs,
which one of you is he?
'Tis I. 'Tis I. 'Tis I.
Mother, calm down!
You have set this up to try to
muddle me.
Step forward, Prince,
or Daddy gets the knife.
That's what you call dramatic irony!
Oh, I know him.
He saw my show tonight.
Please, spare his life
and take me in his place.
I've had enough. The old man
has to die. I'll spill his guts.
Spaghetti bolognese!
Urgh!
# Ooooooh! The hokey cokey!
♪ Oooooh, the hokey cokey... ♪
Vince, you've saved the day.
Thank you, child.
I'm glad that everyone is
reconciled.
I thought I was goner.
No way, Pops.
Let's lock him in his room
and call the cops.
# Left leg out!
♪ In, out, in, out!
Shake it all about! ♪
Can someone tell me
what's gone on today?
It's more than a rhyming
couplet can relay.
I wish you had your diamond ring.
But, hush!
I think that I did hear
a toilet flush.
Oh!
You found it.
Aw!
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
I hope you've enjoyed
your stay at Zanzibar.
We're all little older,
if not wiser.
If you've enjoyed your stay,
please, tell your friends.
And write a nice review
on TripAdvisor!
Welcome to Hotel Zanzibar. I see you
have not stayed with us before.
But, please, feel free to linger
in our corridor
and take a butcher's
around the ninth floor.
The residents who, here, will spend
the night like mountaineers
at base camp, they just might be on
their way up, or on their way down.
Some wear an anorak, others a crown.
Are all here to meet their fate
head-on.
Will Lady Luck smile on you,
come the dawn?
Who knows?
For I'm just here
to link their ships
and smile and smile
and hope for decent tips.
Mr Blue and Mr Brown
are in the building.
For shame, Henry,
why speak you to your cuff?
There's no-one here.
You're armed. Yes, sir. So, chill.
The fact that we use
pseudonyms is enough
to keep me safe from harm, surely.
But, still, I made an oath
to your father the king
that I would keep you
in my sights all week.
His enemies would not hesitate
to bring a gun to a knife fight.
Henry! Let me speak.
You are our country's future,
dearest Prince.
My job's to save you
from any grievous plot.
But all this talk of murder
makes me wince.
Like this iambic foot,
you're stressed. I'm not.
Now, let me to my room.
Good night, God bless.
I take it we have all the channels.
Yes.
Ah, Mr Brown,
your luggage is within.
Do you need a tour of the room?
Not fussed.
And, Mr Blue? I'm in 912, going.
And, just so you know,
that tip's from both of us.
Sleep well, sweet prince.
He shall not live the night.
It is understood assassins
wish him dead
to cleanse our country
of his family's line.
So, when Prince Rico
meets my little friend
and grief does shake
the old King of his wits,
my father
stands in readiness to rule.
Then I will wear
the Prince's crown instead.
And I'm in 911...
..not 912!
Young man, come here.
A word with you, I pray.
I wish to speak more plainly,
if I may.
Sir, it's the only language
I understand. Good.
I wish to order some
room service which is off menu,
if you catch my drift.
I do indeed, sir.
Would you care to describe the dish
you have in mind?
Female. Mm-hmm.
Redhead. Mm-hmm.
Mature. Oh!
Willing to indulge in some
slightly unusual practices.
No problem. Yellow or brown?
What? Does Sir prefer the water sign
or the earth sign? Oh, water.
Oh, absolutely.
Here...
The other half will come...
After you do. I understand.
Leave it with me.
I know just the girl for you.
Oh, happy days!
The fates they do conspire.
I'll profit
from another man's desire.
Yes? I'm sorry, sir,
but may I trouble you?
There is a strange man in my room.
Which room?
It's one of these
but which I cannot say.
Things fall out of my head
so quick these days.
Did you not see
the sign upon my door?
Do not disturb me,
please, I do implore.
Sir, he's got me all aquiver.
And here he comes!
He means me harm. Mother!
I'm so sorry. She wanders off a lot.
Come back to bed,
you're missing Emmerdale.
Is this your son?
I don't know. Yes, I am.
She knows me not,
it's such a sorry tale.
She took a tumble nipping into
Boots, this was in August. 1953.
She hit her head
and now her memory's gone.
My memory's fine!
For them days, not for these.
She's like a goldfish
that you win at t'fair.
You mean, she's going to die
within a week? No!
She swims about
but nothing is retained.
We're trying this new memory
technique.
Are you my husband?
No, he's just a man.
A man who wishes
to be left in peace.
If that is all,
I'm going to close the door.
I met him once on Coronation Street.
Oh, mother!
I can't believe you made me
walk in heels.
A taxi would have been, like, ã15.
Then you make me
carry all these bags.
You know full well my back
is really bad.
Why pay a boy in uniform a pound for
doing something we can do ourselves?
Sweetheart, don't be angry with me,
please. You have the key card?
Yes, I've got it here.
Doesn't seem to work.
Don't know why.
What if I pop it quickly in and out?
Just like our sex life. Amber!
Sorry.
No joy.
I'll go back to reception.
You wait here.
No joy.
No joy we've had for ages now.
Ten years together.
Maybe that's our peak.
Our love has turned as stale
as last week's bread.
Long gone the days
when he made my knees weak.
A night in a hotel
won't be enough to keep my heart
from all this nagging doubt.
Do I extend my holiday with Gus
or do I pay my bill
and then check out?
Madame, are you locked
out of your room?
Yes, my boyfriend's
gone to fetch another card.
Oh, they are most unreliable.
Boyfriends?
No, the key cards.
But I know what you mean.
My Fred, he's the bellboy.
He can be a bit tricky sometimes
but he's got a good heart.
Have you been together a long time?
Oh, yeah, ages. 15 weeks.
He is forever trying to drag me
into one of the empty rooms
for a bit of how's your father.
But that turns me right off
because my father's dead.
At least he's attentive.
Yeah, he's always standing to
attention, if you take my meaning.
But there is nothing
he wouldn't do for me.
So, do you want me to let you in?
I've got a pass key.
No. Do you have
any other rooms available?
Um, there's nobody booked in 913.
I can show you in there,
if you like.
You're right.
A woman should be wooed. With care.
Oh, no!
We haven't had it off in there.
Excuse me, Miss.
I hate to be a bore.
I was looking at my key card
And I saw the number
of this room is 911.
For me to stay in here
can't be done.
You do not like the number, sir?
No way.
Well, 914 has just come free today.
Oh, I'm very superstitious
as a rate.
To stay in 911's tempting fate.
Well, at least,
you haven't had to travel far.
Have you taken anything
from the minibar?
No, but will you tell the bellboy
on this floor
the watersports will now be 914.
What watersports?
We haven't got a pool.
Excuse me,
I am missing a plug for my bath.
It's not electric, sir, that would
be dangerous. To keep the water in!
Oh, that kind of plug. I'll try
and find you one, Mr... Green.
Poor girl,
she does not know the reason why
I need a bath plug urgently.
For that,
which stops the water running out,
will stop also what little life
there is in me.
When these blue rivers
in my wrist do run and mingle
with the cheap bath salts and soap
then will my guilt
drain out with them to sea.
And will my children mourn?
I can but hope.
My boys.
My twins were given up at birth.
Their mother died,
I was still in jail.
One stayed in England,
one was sent abroad.
I know not what became
of either one.
So, tonight,
I will put me to my sword.
But for a bath plug.
Then, 'tis quickly done.
I have the new card here, Amber.
She's gone.
Perhaps she is inside.
Or has she flown?
Oh, these sodding key cards
never bloody work!
I must have held
it near my mobile phone.
Colette, my dainty dumpling
is going to meet me here for a bit
of how's your dead father.
Leave it on the latch.
Well, the key cards
can't be trusted.
Oh, sir,
may we speak plainly once again?
Of course. You're barking up the
wrong tree. Your room is down here.
911.
Oh, I see. That'll be why the card
refused to work.
Your room service is on its way.
Oh, great.
Bring it straight up, will you?
And, um, be discreet.
Naturally.
Anything else I can help you with,
sir?
No, thank you.
Oh.
Oh.
Very kind, sir.
From ã50 to 20 pence?
What did I do wrong?
She's not yet here.
My plan is now afoot.
I have arranged for an apple tart
to be brought to our room,
but unbeknownst to Amber,
a ring is baked within.
And when she takes her first
big bite of that confectionery,
I will, I hope, she'll say.
And, merrily, we'll marry.
I need a wee.
Be quiet, have some tact.
We must discuss the tariff
for this act. I have to pay?
No, madam, I pay you.
ã1,000.
And how much for a poo?
So, were you once a redhead?
Oh, behave.
I said mature,
not dug up from the grave.
Will you do bondage?
Yes, there's every chance. I did
a course at St John's Ambulance.
I'm glad that you are keen,
that's good to know.
Just tie me up
and you can let it flow.
You know I'm staying
in here tonight?
OK. I need some space.
I care not what you do.
You really are a pig!
What's that? Who's this?
Just go back to bed
and I will join you soon.
No longer in the shadows can I lurk.
'Tis time for me
to attend my grisly work.
But wait, if I am
to be blameless of this deed,
then must I have an alibi as fact.
I did just see
the hypnotist downstairs.
He really did a very funny act.
But wait. What if I could be
the hero of the hour?
As if I've fought
to save the Prince's life,
I'll cut my face
to illustrate my lie.
But what
if I go too deep with a knife.
Oh, come, Henry, stop equivocating!
Act.
The time for dilly-dallying
has gone.
Just raise your hand
and stab his bleeding heart.
I hope I didn't leave
the talkback on.
Hello? Hello.
BELL RINGS
Excuse me, Miss,
do you have my plug?
I do have a plug
but probably not the kind you mean.
Are you the gentleman from 911?
Mr Brown?
I am Mr Brown's security adviser.
What mean you with him?
He's ordered some executive relief.
The details of which
are not for you to know.
Suffice to say, he is the
executive... And you are the relief.
Well, I'll certainly be relieving
myself. Now, let me in, please.
I've got another slot
to fill at ten.
May I ask your name?
Tracey, but people call me Red.
Well, then, Little Red.
How would you to increase your fee
tonight threefold?
You've pricked my interest.
What did you have in mind?
My master has a meeting
in the morn of great import.
I don't want him up all night.
Neither do I, believe me.
After you and he have done the deed,
he, most like,
will imbibe a glass of wine.
Into his cup, this tincture pour.
It is a sedative to help him sleep.
Oh, fine.
I thought you were after
a spit-roast.
No, I just had a sandwich.
Good evening, sir,
I trust that all is well.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
The room is very nice.
I hear you ordered a tart this
evening. I did. Has it arrived?
Just now. Bring it in.
Thus, when the Prince
in deepest slumber lays,
then will I strike
and so avoid his gaze.
Better he dies
still thinking me a friend.
This wench has helped me
bring about his end.
Mother! Mother!
She's vanished from the room.
Two minutes in the shower
and she's gone.
I thought Emmerdale and Corrie
was enough to keep her busy
but she's done a bunk!
I'm sorry to disturb you once again.
You haven't got my mother in there?
No! Why can't you people
just leave me in peace?
Can you not see
that I'm tied up right now?
God knows what goes on behind
these closed doors.
Don't ask, don't tell,
as Mother always says.
BELL RINGS
I'd better find her quick
before she falls.
I'll try the hypnotism show
downstairs.
I saw your hypnotism show
downstairs. It was really good.
Thank you, child. I was exceptional
tonight, though I say so myself.
It is a potent combination of
neurolinguistic programming
and my persuasive vocal technique.
Yeah.
I liked it
when they had to do the hokey cokey
every time you shouted
spaghetti bolognese!
Aye, well, it is important to
entertain as well as educate.
One sometimes has to paint
in primary colours.
This is your room, 916.
Thank you, child.
I'll take a glass of vino
when you're ready. Of course.
And the lady I was telling you about
is there in 913. Ah, yes.
Unhappy in love, you say.
She seems to be, but then I heard
her boyfriend order this.
It has an engagement ring inside.
How very tacky!
She just needs a little persuasion,
that's all.
Is that something you could do?
My child, I have hypnotised smokers
to stop smoking
and fatties to stop eating.
I'm sure I can use my skills
to make true love bloom again.
It would be nice to have
a happy ending,
for I feel I am partly to blame.
Come, I'll take you to her.
Yes? Excuse me, Madam.
This is Vince De Trans.
He's the hypnotist at Zanzibar.
I once regressed a lady
through past lives.
Turned out she was a maid
of Cleopatra.
What on earth has that
to do with me?
If we could come in for a moment,
you will see.
Here you are, Madam.
And I thank you for your pains.
I'm not sure what just happened,
but thanks, Mister.
Would you ever consider
girl on girl?
I did once share a bunk bed
with my sister.
Well, I know my door begins
with number nine.
Oh, this one's open,
guess it must be mine.
Madam! What mean you by this?
Like a scalded she-cat
you have sprayed me!
Why else are you paying me?
Paying you? Paying you?
You have done me
the most disgraceful wrong.
I will see that you are
sorely punished.
Fine. But that'll cost you extra.
Now, come, sirrah,
and take a sip of wine.
Madam, I have take had quite enough
of your fluids. I'll take no more.
What seems to be the issue here,
sir?
Her issue is my issue!
This harlot, this creature,
this redheaded whore...
Yes? ..has just...
I can scarce get out the words.
Has just...
..used me as a privy!
Excellent!
And I trust it all went swimmingly.
He refuses now to pay.
Oh, I must insist you pay the lady,
sir.
Otherwise, she is wont
to stay and make a fuss
and, whilst we're on it, perhaps you
could supply the other half of this?
Have I gone mad?
Has the world turned upside down?
I am assaulted on all sides
then ask to pay for the pleasure.
That's the idea.
Is this some kind of role-play?
Pay me my money!
I will not!
Will you please be quiet!
You keep me from my work.
Look, Red. You wait up here awhile
and I will soothe his ire.
I'm hungry and you promised me
a meal.
Here, take these leftovers.
Leftovers? Look!
Here, have this.
It hasn't been touched. OK.
Give me but two minutes, I prithee.
Now, child, the ritual is complete
and she is in a trancelike state.
When you bring her boyfriend
to her door,
she will look upon him
with new-found ardour
and passionately embrace him.
Thank you, Vince.
Cupid himself
could not have aimed more true.
I'll fetch him right away.
Ah!
Perfect.
Hello, kind sir.
I am Colette the maid.
I'm on an errand,
if you would be led.
Ah, good the maid.
You must have read my mind.
There's been little spillage
on the bed.
Oh, but, sir. I mean...
No, Mrs Hargreaves, you're in here.
918. Are you my son? No. Oh.
I had him with me
but he's forever wandering off.
BELL
I have searched every floor
from one to nine.
Of my mother, alas,
there is no sign.
I curse the day
that she went into Boots.
She only wanted
Schwarzkopf for her roots.
She slipped and went down
like a tonne of bricks,
covered from head to toe
in Tixylix
Oh, I should never have let
her from my sight.
I pray that someone's
seen her here tonight.
Ah, hello.
What angel is this
knocks upon my door? Sorry?
My heart has burst
and overflowed with joy.
A vision of such beauty
and rare poise.
I did do ballet lessons as a boy.
Thine eyes are pools
wherein I see myself.
Thy apple cheeks are soft
as new-fallen snow.
What are you doing?
Two cherry lips,
I long to take a bite.
I'm going to be reporting this!
Thy firm physique
doth make my juices flow!
It's very nice to meet you,
Mrs... Miss!
And I intend to have you now,
right here!
There is a little problem
with that plan.
I hate to have to tell you,
but I'm...
..not looking for a relationship
at the moment.
If you just come with me.
Alas, what's this?
Fair Amber
with another man entwined.
She must have seen him first.
Madam, desist!
Your boyfriend's here.
I do not care for him.
This man, this god!
This vision is my love.
Come, let me see thy mighty sword.
Go away!
I wish to keep my sword
within its sheath!
It's more like
a little dagger anyway.
Sir, speak you to your girlfriend
and explain. She has the wrong man.
I know her not. She slapped my face.
The woman is insane.
Insane with love!
And there is but one cure. Oh, God!
I've waited long enough in there!
Pay up!
Pay up? For what?
I know not what you mean.
This hotel is full of madwomen,
I swear.
You take the piss!
No, you took it from me.
Oh!
Mother! Where have you been?
You had me worried.
I found her wandering
in the corridor.
Here's 50 for your trouble.
Mother!
Where did you get that money from?
From him.
Give me that money, grandma!
I've earned it.
Well, I earned it, too.
Though how, I can't recall.
You did screw my boyfriend.
Did you, Mother? It's all my fault.
I've messed it up.
Calm down.
We just need to untangle
what is tangled.
This gentleman was booked in 914.
No, that is Mr Brown from 911.
In bed with Red
while Amber was next door.
Then, Mr Green in 915...
His bath plug!
..and Blue in 912.
Who have I missed?
Red, Amber, Green.
Am I coming or going?
We need to
speak to Vince the hypnotist.
Prince Rico, what has happened?
Aren't you tired?
I thought you would be sleeping now.
With this? You have to give me
shelter from these people
Good Henry,
you're the only one I trust.
Oh, Amber. There you are, my love.
I've missed you.
I've not missed you,
you necrophiliac.
I'm sorry?
I saw you in your room
with that old hussy.
Excuse me, I'm not that old!
She means me.
I know I haven't been
the perfect boyfriend.
But I want to show you this.
Is this my cake?
You have to know
what lies beneath this dome
is a symbol of what you mean to me.
Ooh.
As proposals go, I have seen better.
It's not the most romantic thing
to show, a load of old bones.
Excuse me, that's my mother.
Do you mean me? Who are you again?
This should have been...
An apple tart? I ate it.
There was a diamond ring
concealed within.
Your ring has gone
from one tart to another.
Why don't you shut your mouth,
you stuck-up b...?
- Ow!
- Mother!
Calm down, let's put you back in
here.
How are you feeling, Mother?
Are you OK?
How many fingers am I holding up?
Oh, Robert!
I can't see without my glasses.
What did you say?
I said I can't see.
Well, you just called me Robert.
Well, that's your name.
A mother ought to know her son.
Good God. That slap,
it must have brought you back to me.
Oh!
Amber, listen, I do love thee.
She is bewitched,
I cannot break the spell.
Just tell us, Vince, what do we need
to know to make this right?
I'm sleeping now. Good night.
Has he been drinking?
He had a glass of wine.
Urgh!
Then I take matters
into my own hands.
Don't touch me with those trotters,
you fat pig!
With true love's kiss,
I aim to break the spell.
No, don't!
Sorry.
No, I meant don't stop.
I thought she's your girlfriend.
Mother, please.
Poor Gus!
I don't know what came over me.
It wasn't me,
I can promise you that.
I love a happy ending,
don't you, Fred?
In 917, there's an empty bed.
Of this confusion,
I have had my fill.
Excuse me, Miss.
I'd like to pay my bill.
AARRGGHH!
For the final time, will you be...?
What's this?
Two peas from the same pod,
both shelled.
Do my old eyes deceive me,
or could I be looking at
the sons I briefly held?
I was adopted as a child.
And I.
I never knew my father.
Until now.
I pray you, sirs,
do not an old man mock.
We must get to the bottom of this.
How?
The proof, it is behind you.
For my boys both bore
a birthmark on their bare behinds.
It was a most unusual shape.
I know!
It looks just like...
BOTH: ..the chair
from Mastermind!
It's true. I saw it on his bum.
It makes me think
of Magnus Magnusson!
Give me but one moment, I implore.
I won't need
that bath plug any more.
I always felt that I was but a half.
Lacking not just
a father and a mother.
Meeting your other half
makes you a whole.
Does that sound wrong?
It's nice to meet you...
..brother.
Oh!
Lovely!
So, all is resolved.
Just like a theatre play.
And I can get my happy end away.
Not so fast!
Everybody stay
exactly where they are.
I'm sorry to break up
this pretty scene
but I have unfinished business
with Prince Rico.
I pray you, sirs,
which one of you is he?
'Tis I. 'Tis I. 'Tis I.
Mother, calm down!
You have set this up to try to
muddle me.
Step forward, Prince,
or Daddy gets the knife.
That's what you call dramatic irony!
Oh, I know him.
He saw my show tonight.
Please, spare his life
and take me in his place.
I've had enough. The old man
has to die. I'll spill his guts.
Spaghetti bolognese!
Urgh!
# Ooooooh! The hokey cokey!
♪ Oooooh, the hokey cokey... ♪
Vince, you've saved the day.
Thank you, child.
I'm glad that everyone is
reconciled.
I thought I was goner.
No way, Pops.
Let's lock him in his room
and call the cops.
# Left leg out!
♪ In, out, in, out!
Shake it all about! ♪
Can someone tell me
what's gone on today?
It's more than a rhyming
couplet can relay.
I wish you had your diamond ring.
But, hush!
I think that I did hear
a toilet flush.
Oh!
You found it.
Aw!
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
I hope you've enjoyed
your stay at Zanzibar.
We're all little older,
if not wiser.
If you've enjoyed your stay,
please, tell your friends.
And write a nice review
on TripAdvisor!