Insecure (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Real as Fuck - full transcript

I'm about to stunt on your ass.

You not even ready for this shit

You look like a mermaid with feet.
In a good way, though. I love it.

But do you love it like, "I would
give her money for her fundraiser,"

or, "This bitch looking
like a black Ariel?"

Are those mutually exclusive?

Okay.

You really going all out
for this fundraiser?

Hell, yeah, girl. I wanna kill it.

And I wanna do right by the kids,
and all our friends are gonna be there.

Plus, after everything that's happened,
I realize I had it all wrong.



You know, I don't need to be Miss No-Fucks.
I'm now Miss Give-All-The-Fucks.

Okay. So, what does

Miss Give-All-The-Fucks
give all the fucks about?

My man, my job, of course me.

Okay, I'm just done doing dumb shit

and, really, I think I
like who I'm becoming.

- That's backwards.
- No, it's not.

You got titties on your back now?

So, anyway, girl, how you doing?

How you holding up with,
you know, everything?

Yeah, I'm... Girl, you know.

Are you gonna come back out
and show me some more clothes, or what?

- I know.
- Okay.

- Morning.
- Morning.



Are you ready for your big day?

Yeah.

Your interview's gonna go great.

L just... l just really want it, you know?

What are you doing?

I can't have my man
going in there all stressed out.

Come on, you're gonna make me late, girl.

- Like I need much time.
- So, you got it like that?

Yeah, you got it like that.

I'm telling you, someone is stealing food
out of the break room refrigerator.

I know, I spent all weekend

making a three-bean chili for nothing.

- I hope they like it.
- Oh, no!

- Hey-Crystal?
- Molly?

You guys keep going. I'll catch up.

- Girl!
- Hey!

Girl, how you doing?

I'm good! I've just been kind
of keeping it low-key lately.

Oh, my God, I was just at No Vacancy
and I thought about you.

Remember that time
you threw that drink in that guy's face

'cause he said you were drunk?
You were so drunk!

Girl, please, I was doing too much.

The most! But now look at you.

You looking all classy
and effervescent and shit.

Thank you! You know,
I've been feeling great.

- I started seeing a therapist...
- "Therapy"?

- You okay?
- Yes. Girl!

L just had some things in my life
that I needed to fix.

I mean, don't feel like
you have to share it with me. It's okay.

No, it's fine, girl.
Therapy's helped me with that, too.

Girl, you know I was out there
being a hot-ass mess.

Even thinking about
how I wasn't valuing myself.

Girl, I had to change something.
And now I just feel so centered.

- Okay.
- Anyway, let's get together for...

So, our vision is
to integrate mobile commerce

in a revolutionary way
within the messaging environment.

- We are still solving for that.
- What work have you done in that field?

Tons, actually.

You know, what I'm most interested in

is weaving together
users' current behaviors

instead of building yet
another destination.

Sure, we're into that,
but what would your approach be?

Well, you want
as many users as possible, right?

Of course.

You know, I'm coming into this cold.

I don't wanna step on anybody's toes.

No, step. Go ahead. They're my toes.
I don't care.

Okay. Well, the Meridian app
is amazing, obviously.

So is Instagram. So is Messenger.

Okay, Cameron, you talked about
replicating the best apps and features,

so why not deploy a daemon?

Let those companies do
all the work for you,

and you get to own all of the data,
all of the users,

and the skeleton key
that ties them together.

This is so crazy!

I still can't believe
they just offered you a job on the spot!

Yeah! Yo, I knew the interview
was going great,

but I didn't think they were gonna do that.

How are the perks, though?

Free parking space, tons of t-shirts...

I mean, they're all XXXL, but still free,
and a company credit card, I think.

What? We 'bout to be charging up a tab
at stupid places!

Okay, sushi every night,
and not California rolls.

I'm talking monkfish.

No, I am so pumped for you.

- You earned that shit.
- Thanks, babe.

And Meridian is a good company, too. I mean,
they do a few things backwards, but...

Well, that's why they got you, though,
to fix their shit!

Yeah.

Yo, it just made me think
about what I was doing with my app.

I mean, I'm way more ahead
in developing than they are,

and they're an actual company.

Okay. And so, what does that mean?

That maybe I shouldn't take this job.

I should get Woot-Woot
off the ground instead.

Wait, what?

Yo, look, all right, I
know it sounds crazy,

but the fact that I was way ahead
two or three years ago

means I know what I'm doing.

Like, I'm just mad inspired right now.

Hey, look. I know you wanna get
your thing off the ground,

but this is way too good a job to pass up.

And you've been wanting this.

Do we really wanna go back
to how things were?

You right, you right.

And you can work on Woot-Woot
at night, you know?

You're gonna make it happen.
You know I believe in you.

I know.

Hey, you know the good thing

about all those
extra, extra, extra large t-shirts?

- We can get fat as fuck!
- We definitely need new fat shirts.

Hey, babe, you gonna help me finish?

- Yeah, let's do it.
- Thank you.

Higher. Higher.

Lower.

Higher.

And make sure it's stable.

Insurance won't cover us
if we damage the property.

Okay?

I drive past this neighborhood every day

and I didn't know homes like this
existed up here.

I know. It's so pretty.

Yeah, what's this neighborhood
technically called, Issa?

Someone told me
it's the black Beverly Hills.

Is that true?

Listen here, you gent,
Columbus motherfucker.

If you don't stay the fuck away...

I don't know why I told you
about this neighborhood

because y'all take everything!

Can we have anything? Leave!

Guys, I really don't know,
but I do know we have a lot of work to do,

and this bench needs to go over there.
Could you...

But we just moved it here.

Don't question my authority. Thanks!

Hey, Issa!
I wanted to introduce you to Chef Babette.

So nice to meet you.
Thank you so much for catering our event.

My pleasure!
Anything to support the neighborhood.

- My favorite restaurant is Stuff I Eat.
- Thank you!

You've gotta tell me
what's in your carrot croquettes.

I'm guessing it's turmeric. Is it turmeric?

- Hey!
- Joanne, I'll be right back.

Hey, girl!

- Hey!
- Thank you for making it.

What are you doing? It's not that heavy.

Let's go!

- That's heavy.
- Use your wrists.

- Keep going! Good job.
- Oh, my God.

Girl, did I just see two white families
walking their dogs?

Since when did Baldwin Hills
get all gentrified?

When white people were sitting up
in their $4,000-a-month

one-bedroom in Malibu like,
"Them niggas ain't that bad."

- Thanks for helping me, though.
- Oh, my God, of course!

- Is it going good?
- No, it's going really good.

Like, tonight's about to be
inspirational as fuck.

Yes! Oh, my God!

Guess who I ran into?

You remember Crystal?

Crystal with the fucked up shoes
or Crystal with the heavy-ass titty ring?

- No, Crystal, our RA from freshman year.
- Oh, yeah!

She always had the hookup on extra cereal

- after she fucked that janitor!
- Janitor!

- How's she doing, though?
- She good.

She through hoing.
But she's in therapy, though.

Bitch, shut the fuck up!

- You stupid!
- I swear!

That's what she told me.
Just all over-shared and shit.

- What made her start going?
- I don't know.

She was all on some,
"When we was running the streets,"

"I was doing too much,
not valuing my value."

Like you can't value yourself and fuck
at the same damn time?

Yeah.

And now she's all like,
"I'm so centered and I'm so zen."

"I recommend therapy for everyone."

Girl, bye.

Did she say therapy was
working for her, though?

I mean, I guess, but who wants to go broke
paying for a fake friend?

But maybe talking through some shit
with someone isn't the worst idea.

Bitch, you trying to say
I need therapy or something?

Come on, no! Like...

But, I mean, maybe 'cause, you know,
the stuff that you went through with Jared,

and even that lawyer nigga,
like, maybe it could help.

Girl, even I would go.

Bitch, you mad now?

Why would I be mad

when you wrong as hell, Issa?

Issa, where do these go?

Patricia, you know where they go.

Okay, hold. Great.

Hey, look who I found!

Hey! Welcome, kids!

Look at you guys.

- I bet a rapper lives here.
- Actually, this house is owned by a dentist.

But, like, a rapper's dentist?

Rappers don't have dentists, stupid.
Besides, only white people live up here.

Dayniece,
all people need good oral hygiene.

And this place is actually
owned by a black person.

- This is a black neighborhood.
- For real?

Yeah, and it's only 10 minutes away
from your school,

so, if y'all study hard
and y'all act right...

This dentist has a drawer
full of extra batteries!

- What he need these for?
- Hey, guys.

We can't just
open people's battery drawers, okay?

And, kids, don't forget to hand out
all your donation cards tonight, okay?

And don't be afraid to
introduce yourselves and smile.

- Yeah? Yeah!
- Hi. My name is Markese.

How you doing? Nice to meet you. Hey.

Hi. My name is Markese.
Very nice to meet you.

One of our big donors is here...

- Okay.
- And Joanne wants me to talk to him.

And I can't believe I'm saying this,
but don't let the kids take anything.

That only crossed my mind
once you said it. Okay.

All right, guys-

Here you go.

Yeah. Okay.

You cannot come to my birthday.

- I don't wanna be there.
- It's girls only.

Well, I paid for it,
so you used my money to do it.

- Okay, you know...
- Which I wanted you to do.

That's what I got you for your...

- This is a birthday present from us... Me.
- No. Okay.

- It'll be a great time.
- Guess who's rich, bitches?

Not me, but I just got that guy
to donate $5,000!

I have never said the word "disadvantaged"
so many times.

Way to go, Iss.

And before I forget, here's our donation.

- What?
- Just a little something.

- Thank you.
- And since he doing it...

We gonna... Bam!

What, Kelli! 500?

Okay, don't cash that shit until
next month. I'ma be homeless.

Seriously.

I love the dress.

Gotta work on the shoe,
but still love the dress.

I will take that.

I can't believe
there's only two bartenders back there.

Like, seriously?

Well, guys, I just wanna thank you so much
for coming and for donating.

It just... It means a lot.

- Cheers.
- Cheers!

- Congratulations.
- We got you, girl.

We got y'all!

You know, so, we're not doing that?

Cool, cool, cool. That was a joke.

I thought there'd be
at least a couple good-looking dudes here,

but it's just old and bald dudes.

- That's my type.
- Well, at least the view is fantastic.

Got my allergies acting up, though.
There's hella smog tonight.

- Damn, Molly, really?
- You don't feel that?

This is LA. It's a smog city.

Do you need a Kleenex?

Hey, yo, look at Lawrence
looking like Eddie Murphy in Boomerang.

- Hey!
- I see him!

- What's up!
- Okay!

Look at my boo, all suited up and shit.

What's up, y'all? Babe,
this place looks great.

You killed it! Hey, you a genius.

- You gonna tell them?
- No, come on.

- Tell them!
- No, come...

- What?
- All right, so I got this new job.

- It's a tech company.
- Okay! All right, I see you.

They got you benefits?

'Cause the first thing you need to do
is get your eyes checked.

You know they can tell
diabetes through your eyes?

They're like, "betes."

Hey, what are you gonna be doing for them?

It's really interesting, actually.

It's a company called Meridian,
a few years old...

Issa, can I steal you for a sec?
I'm so sorry.

So, there's a very
important potential donor.

I just... I wanna introduce you to
tonight's organizer, Issa Dee.

I've heard so many good things.

And a parent was just telling me
about beach day...

I'll be right back, guys.

So much to talk about.

Yeah, no, we're so happy.

- Thank you very much.
- Enjoy.

Daniel, hey. What are you doing here?

Right now,
just trying to fuck up this quesadilla.

- Okay. Were you invited?
- Yeah.

Really?

Did some work at Career Day.
Just here for the kids.

Okay.

Well, let's just make sure
we keep it about the kids.

Bye, Molly.

I'm definitely making
a donation tonight,

because when I think about
all the people who've helped me,

I just have to give back.

It's just important. It's something...
It's who I am.

Yeah. I am so sorry.

I think I see a child who's been
left behind. Excuse me a second.

Why is he here? What did he say?

- He said he's here for the kids.
- Yeah, but how did he say it?

- Is this nigga about to start some shit?
- I hope not.

At least him and Lawrence
don't know each other, so...

Fuck this. Just keep things cool
while I get him out of here.

Okay.

Yeah, good to see you. Thank you.

- Yeah, yeah. Thanks for coming.
- Thank you for...

Yeah, you really helped
those kids out before.

- It means everything...
- Sorry, excuse me.

- Hey. Sure.
- I need to see you.

You need to leave.

Like, I know you're mad at me or whatever,
but this is my job, okay?

- This isn't the time or the place for drama.
- Hold up.

I don't hear from you in three weeks

and that's the first thing out your mouth?

After all the shit we done been through,
like, for real?

I know stuff at the studio,
it happened kind of fast,

but why you acting like
it wasn't something?

Okay, yeah, it happened,
but I was confused,

and you've been texting me
and pressing me all hard.

Really?

- Daniel, you knew I had a boyf...
- You're trying to blame me for what you did?

You're not a victim, Issa.

You're being real loud right now.

I didn't even come here for all this, Issa,

I just wanted to look you in the eye

and ask you why you were treating me like
I'm some random-ass nigga.

You were just an itch I needed to scratch.

So?

- He is leaving.
- Good.

Issa. This is so great!

- The kids are thrilled to be here.
- Good.

Justin, this is Molly.
Molly, this is Justin.

- He teaches at Thomas Jefferson.
- Hi. Aren't you the lawyer from Career Day?

- I am.
- The kids could not stop talking about you.

Well, I hope nothing I said
went over their heads.

I only heard the best things.

May I get you a drink, Molly?
Or do you object?

No, I'm good. I'm not drinking tonight.

Okay, sounds great.

- I'll catch up with you two later.
- Okay.

- Good to see you, Justin.
- Okay. Yeah, you too.

- Jackie Chan is too thirsty.
- "Or do you object?"

Way to make it weird, bro.
I'll be right back.

- Thank you.
- Here you go.

Thanks, man.

We'll bring that right out.

So, what's...
What's your connection to We Got Y'all?

I don't have one anymore.

- Hey!
- You good?

Everything's great. Thank you.

Girl, you all right?

I'd be better if they'd stop pouring
these weak-ass drinks.

Okay, what the fuck is up?

Nothing. I'm just over this day.

Yo, it's not nothing 'cause you were
rude as hell to Justin back there,

and I have to work with him.

- Why you tripping?
- So, I'm tripping?

You're over there acting like
I'm raggedy and shit,

telling me I need therapy
when your mess is all over the place.

So, that's why you've been pissy all night,

because I vaguely suggested therapy
might be good for you?

- Clearly, I was onto something.
- Oh, for real?

Like your shit ain't all fucked up?

Like I wasn't just distracting your man

- right after schooling your side nigga?
- What? What?

Why are you throwing that shit in my face?

I made a mistake, but at least
I can see the shit that I do wrong.

- What do I do wrong, Issa?
- Do you really wanna know?

- Please tell me.
- Okay, have you noticed, Molly,

the common denominator in all your
can't-find-a-man bullshit is you?

Yeah, let's do the nigga rundown, Molly.
One minute, he's too thirsty.

The next minute, he's too distant.
The next, he's too gay!

And then when you do find someone
that you actually like,

you ruin it by doing too fucking much.

You act like finding someone
is supposed to be

some sort of fairy tale, but it's not.

- You're impossible to please!
- I'm impossible to please?

You can't commit to anything!

Did I say shit when you were
complaining about your job

for five fucking years
like you can't change that shit?

You've been on the fence,
whining about your relationship forever,

but did I say a motherfucking thing
about that?

Oh, shut up, Molly.

The shit that you said wasn't even all my fault,
and yet you act like shit is black and white.

You fucked another man
when your man was fixing his shit for you!

Bitch, you don't even deserve Lawrence.

Are you mad that I can
actually keep a nigga?

Fuck you, Issa.

Hey, can we cut the music?

Miss DJ, can we cut the music? Thanks...

Okay. So, if I could have
everyone's attention.

The kids would like to...

Dayniece and the kids
would like to say a few words.

So, Dayniece, take it away.

Sony.

- Where'd you go?
- Get some air.

- Where's Molly?
- She left.

It's gonna... There you go.

We would like to thank We Got Y'all

for taking us to this nice house
in our own neighborhood,

which I'ma buy someday.

When I grow up, I'ma buy
me extra batteries.

Aim higher.

And also, we'd like to give
an extra special thank you to Miss Issa.

For all her hard work.

Yes!

Go, Miss Issa!

Yes!

I promise I'm not drunk this time.

- What are you doing here?
- Look, I know you're over me.

Hell, I'm over me, too.

But I realize
I was going about us the wrong way,

and I just had all these unrealistic
expectations about relationships.

And, you know, when it came to us,

- I should've just lowered my standards.
- What?

Wait. No, I didn't mean it like that. I
meant, like, I can meet you on your level.

Not that it's, like, a lower
level, but it's just...

Shit, Jared, you were just
different than what I thought.

Okay, look.

I can't hang my life
on trying to date the perfect guy,

so I should've just learned
to be happy with you.

Shit,
I'm still not saying it right, but, fuck...

Look, I'm tired.

Woof, my dogs are howling.

Yep, arch support is important.

I'm so glad we made our goal, though.
It was touch-and-go there for a minute.

It's always touch-and-go.

We find a way to make it work.

So, where do you see yourself in a year?

Hopefully at We Got Y'all.
Wait, are you firing me?

No. You're doing a great job.

This is who I've been wanting to see.

Take it before they check.

Don't have to tell me twice.

Hey, babe!

I am so glad this night is over!

And I got us a present.

Barn!

Who's Daniel?

Daniel. That's who was
there tonight, right?

Yeah, we went to high school together,

And he volunteered at
that Career Day we had.

He did this, like, music presentation
for the kids, so they must've invited him.

Did you fuck him?

What?

Why would you ask me that?

'Cause I am.

Did you fuck him?

- You fucked that nigga?
- I'm so sorry.

- What the fuck? Wait, you fucked him?
- I'm so sorry!

- I didn't mean...
- You're not fucking sorry!

You're just gonna throw that nigga
in my face tonight?

I didn't know he was gonna be there!

I told him what we did was a mistake.

So, you fucked up our shit
for some nigga who's a goddam mistake?

Did you fuck him more than once?

- Did you fuck him more than once?
- No!

- You're fucking lying!
- Lawrence, come on!

Fuck!

Fuck, I thought we were in this, Issa!

- We are.
- I'm so fucking stupid, man!

Lawrence, I'm stupid!
Just tell me what I can do...

- I need to get the fuck out of here.
- Lawrence, please!

- Please don't go. Lawrence!
- Get the fuck out of... Issa.

- Issa, get the fuck out of the way.
- No.

Issa, get the fuck out of the way.

- Just talk to me.
- There ain't shit to talk about.

- Get out the way.
- Lawrence, I'm not moving.

- I'm not going anywhere.
- Issa, move.

- Just talk to me.
- Get the fuck out of the way.

- Lawrence, I am not...
- Issa, move.

- Come on! I...
- Move!

Fuck! Come on.