Informer (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Charlie Don't Surf - full transcript

Dr Obina, the hospital where you
work is right next door to Cafe 66.

Yes, that's correct.

Me and my colleagues go to
that cafe for lunch, you know?

Simon, where do you need me?

We're just making room
for a major incident.

Multiple casualties. Theatre two.

Sats?

Sats at 92%. BP over 60.

Trauma unit is full so we're going
to have to prep him in here.

At what point did you become aware
of the patient's identity?

You're asking when did I know
he was the perpetrator



of the attack?

That's correct.

Excuse me, this waits until
he is out of surgery.

I doubt he'll last that long.

That doesn't matter.

We need an ID as soon as we can.

So this is him?

He lives, he dies,
we'll be right here.

Did knowing what the patient
had done affect your work at all?

The bullet entered below
his right mandible

and exited above
his left eye socket.

He was beyond saving.

You are not going to find
any terrorists down there, bro.

Stop fidgeting.



I just don't see why I can't do it.

Oi. Believe it or not,
it's no picnic for me either.

Hold still.

All right.
The mic's behind your zipper.

If you need a slash, be careful.

I feel like I've got "snitch"
just tattooed on my forehead.

Nobody's going to be
patting you down at a funeral.

You really think this big-shot guy
is going to show up for the salat?

We won't know
if we're not there, will we?

All we do know is Yousef's dead,
and someone killed him.

I'm swimming in this thing.

It ain't a fashion show.

Our camera is in this top button.

Anyone you meet,
get their full names.

Repeat it nice and clear.

Try to stand about
arm's length back.

This is so dirty.

Spying at a Janazah.

Well, the way I see it,
we're looking for the fella

who killed the fella getting buried.
It evens out.

Not if this big shot
finds me wearing a wire.

Then don't get caught. Hm.

Names and faces.

That's all I need.

CHANTING

Strong turnout today.

Your brother
was obviously some dude.

If what you believe is
to get into Jannah and that.

We take allcomers.

What are you wearing?

For real. You look like you're
going to sell me a mattress.

Nah, it's my dad's.
Best I could do.

Cut Waleed, how are you holding up,
bruv?

Erm... W-what's Cut even short for
anyway, like, what's...

..what's your full name?

Why are you going around
asking people's names, fam?

My name means
you're liable to get cut.

You know, we call him that
cos his dad never paid bills.

Leccy was always getting cut.

Bruv, that was, like, one time.

Hey, come.

Having food back at mine.

Listen to a bunch of strangers
tell me about Yousef.

Salaam-alaikum. Wa-alaikum-salaam.

Yeah, it's good to see
the ummah out in full force.

It's a beautiful thing, innit?

Are we going back to yours, bruv?

Nah, just friends and family, innit?

It's a long walk for you, though.

Long.

Peace. Take care of yourself, yeah?
Yeah. Look after yourself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that was beautiful. Bless.

Beautiful. Thank you.

Peace. Thanks.

Sorry, fellas.
I didn't meet you all.

I'm Raza Shar.

Hey, sorry to interrupt you guys.

I'm Raza.

What's going on? You good?
Good. Yeah, yeah, Raza.

Yeah, I met you one time, man.

Yeah, yeah. What's your name again?

Levi. Yeah, Levi.

Is that Levi...? Levi. Just Levi.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

HE SNIFFS

Dadir, right?

Roxy. I was, erm...

..I was friends with your brother.

Yeah?

Listen, I'm really sorry...

Yeah, yeah, OK.

All right.

Thanks.

I was thinking maybe we could talk.

About Yousef?

It's what we're all here for, innit?

Maybe WE could talk, me and you.

Join the back of the queue.

Yousef was sharking all over.

All them girls had their hands out.
I ain't got nothing for you.

That's not what I'm here for.

You shouldn't come
begging at his funeral.

This is some low-end shit. Rizla,
you seeing this? My brother's dead.

Skank bank's closed.

Move on with your life.

You should probably
come back another time.

Caught him on a bad day.
Don't worry. I won't come back.

Oh, OK. What...
What was your name again?

Sorry, mate.
Say hello to the family for me.

Raza, love, there you are.
What are you doing here?!

I've come to pay my respects.

Read about it in the local.

You never told me nothing about
Dadir's brother passing.

This is friends and family.
You can't be here.

Mad.

Whole Shar clan here now, yeah?

I forgot my keys. My dad just...

Keys? What are you blathering about?

Come here. You all right, then?

You're all right, love.

Yeah, I'm all right.
Thanks for asking, Mr Shar.

Hey! None of this "mister".

It's Hanif to you, OK?

Come. Come meet my mum.

I don't think I'm dressed for that.
Yeah, no, maybe another time.

What do you mean? Just give him
his jacket back. He'll look suave.

That's not my jacket.

Of course it is.

I got it from your wardrobe.

All right. Give it over, then.

I'm good.

Well, is it your jacket
or is it my jacket?

Just give him his jacket.

Take your time.

Easy.

I know how to put on a jacket.
I know, yeah.

I must have been a thinner man!
Ha-ha!

So, your brother.

Devout sort, was he?

Well, I mean...

In that case...

..I brought him a gift.

Mr Shar, you're a bad man,
you know that?

THEY CHUCKLE

Come on. Let's drink this
for Yousef. All right. Come on.

It's what he would have wanted.

I kissed my girl
I kissed my girl

By the factory wall
By the factory wall

Dirty old town
Dirty old town

Clouds are drifting...

WOMAN: Keep it down, would ya?!
I'm going to call the police!

Hey, be quiet, you big pussycat!

Springs a girl

From the streets at night
From the streets at night

Dirty old town
Dirty old town

I heard a sigh...

We've got to get home. What?
Ummi keeps texting me.

We've got to leave. Come on.

Feel the rhythm! Let's go.

Last chance!
I spawned such a killjoy!

Shut it down or I'm going
to call the police!

Keep it going till dawn
if you have to, boys! Oh shut up!

Come on. Let's go.

I'm going, I'm going!

Dadir! Hey! Hey!

Let me say goodnight.

Dadir, hey! Abu, no.

Apologies, bruv. A few too many.

I'm just trying to get him home.

Sorry, I'm Raza.

You're talking to people about me?

Yeah, Rizla, maybe not now, yeah?
Not now.

Put away your hand
before I cut it off.

Hey, that's my son
you're talking to, all right?

All right, Abu.
We probably should get home.

Listen to your boy, old man.

Who are you calling "old man", eh?

Eh? Hey, hey! Wait! Wait!

SIRENS WAIL

You called the police?

Dirty old town
Dirty old town

Dirty old town...

Oh, you got pace on you, love.

HE PANTS AND COUGHS

I ain't had to run from the
Old Bill like that since my stag do.

You're not going to have
a heart attack on me, are you?

HE COUGHS

I've got to have a tinkle.

THEY HUM A TUNE

I don't think this is mine.

How was the funeral?

You tell me.

All right, let's start again.

Did you meet anyone interesting?

You ever been to a funeral before?

It's mostly just
a lot of sad people, innit?

All right, there was this one dude,

but he got real sketchy
when I tried talking to him.

Right. You get a name?

I tried.

Well, you've got to try harder.

Have you got any info about him?

Eastern European.

Drove a white van.

You need to get Dadir
to introduce you.

OK. How am I doing that?

There's this fish, the pilot fish.

Everyone in the ocean
steers clear of the shark,

but the pilot fish doesn't have to.

It sits there, right there
under the shark's fin.

It goes wherever the shark goes,
sees whatever the sharks sees.

They trust each other so much
that this ballsy little fucker

eats the leftovers
right out of the shark's mouth.

What are you on about?

Why do you sound like
David Attenborough?

You stick to Dadir,
he'll get you there.

The fella with the white van,
get me a name.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Where's Raza keep his ciggies?

I know he hides them from me.

No, I hide them from you.

You don't, do you?

Hanif, what are you
actually looking for?

I don't know.

Do you want to know
his secret hiding spot?

He thinks he's so bloody smart.

Who puts a beanbag on the balcony?

Look.

DOOR OPENS
That's not what I'm looking for.

DISTANT VOICE

That'll be the boys.
Put it back, put it back!

I'll keep them busy.

Hand to God, whatever's in that tin,
nothing to do with me, Mr Shar.

I believe you, Karl.

Millions wouldn't, but I do.

Well, I'm touched, mate.

I do have a question
for a man in your profession.

Ask away.

This mate of mine... Right.

..comes round the pub the other day.

We're all just talking,
nothing special.

Bunch of old lefties.

Anyway, I notice he's got
a little camera on his jacket.

That ain't a mate, that's a snitch.

Hang on, I haven't told
the whole story.

Well, what's to know?
Your mate is a snitch.

You should do him.

I've known him a long time.

Don't matter how long
you've been friendly with a snake.

It's still prone to bite you, innit?

Geezer at the shop said that's
the best one for wannabe paparazzo.

Sound.

What is this? Leica?

I don't know what they call it.
Whatever it is, it ain't cheap.

Why are you trying to bribe me?
What do you want?

Your brother bought you
a nice present.

How about a thank-you?

OK, thank you.

Where did you get
the money for that, then?

Nowhere.
Just got my overtime, didn't I?

So when do I get my bloody gift,
then, huh?

Source 9 put in a good shift
at the funeral.

One of these faces might be
Yousef's connection to El Adoua.

Crosscheck names
with the watchlist.

If you don't have a name,
work the snouts, find one.

We know this one, don't we?

Oh, Christ.

That's Akash Williams.

He's a keyboard jihadi.

Popped up on a GCHQ watchlist.

I looked in on him last year.

His online profile is
sympathetic to the cause.

El Adoua comes through London, never
sets foot on public transport,

no phone calls,
all cash transactions.

That's tradecraft.

This guy, Akash,
failed all his GCSEs and he lives

with his grandma and grandad.

I think our big shot is
a touch more sophisticated

than that, darling.

Well, we still have to rule him out.

That's my spot at the grill.

The driver.

The white van, that's him.

OK.

I thought MIT ruled out the owner
already?

The registered owner.

Some 87-year-old with
vascular dementia.

Someone clearly registered the van
in his name.

Well, let's prioritise
getting him ID'd.

My snout's working Yousef's brother.

Holly, let's knock Akash
off the list.

OK.

Also going to need that £50
registration fee, brother.

What do you need
my dad's number for?

The guy is useless.

Just put down your mate Dadir
if you want.

I don't actually care.

It's just an emergency contact
in case you get knocked out.

Right, doors are nine to nine,
and I'm not a laundry service,

so bring your own towel, OK?

Bro, I've got two rules, man.

No wankers, no phones.

Fine by me. Right, cool.

We're going to start you off
on the ropes, yeah?

Just, er, come this way.

So, we warm up over here and the
changing rooms are over there.

That's where the toilets are
as well.

"Never trust non-Muslims."

"Mujahideen strategies."

"Can Kafir be family?"

Disgusting!

Akash, how can your nan
not be your family? David...

Feeds you three beautiful halal
meals every day, doesn't she!?

David! Blood pressure!

If you continue to post these
on your socials, sooner or later...

I don't do nothing.
I'm just sharing.

That can be enough.

And it won't be us here
knocking at your door,

it'll be armed units coming here
to arrest you. Good!

That bleeding-heart social worker
what's supposed to help,

all she did were have us
cancel t'internet.

It's called Prevent.

All it's preventing is Trisha
from Skyping at her sister.

Now she's got to go all the way
down to the cafe to get online.

We're at the end of
a very bloody long rope here.

Do you mind if we step out
for a minute?

It might be better if
we talk to Akash alone.

You know we're more than fair
with him.

I don't doubt it,
we just need five minutes.

Through there.

Who's this cheeky chappie?

Your dad's still in Brum, is he?

Do you see him much?

No-one wants to go to Brum.

He didn't hang about, did he,
after your mum died?

What would you know about my mum?

I knew she wouldn't want
this situation for you.

I read that nonsense
you post online.

Now that I've met you,
you seem like an all right bloke.

Grandparents are sweet enough
for a couple of geezers.

Sweeter than mine,
I'll tell you that much.

So, what is it, Akash?

What gets you so wound up?

Not me.

Koran, innit?

"Slay them where you find them."

That's actually a mistranslation,

it's "fight them
where they fight you."

It says what it says.
I didn't write it.

It's about self-defence.

Next verse says...

QUOTES VERSE IN ARABIC

You might have known it better

if you didn't get kicked out
your mosque.

I didn't get kicked out.

That imam's working for the CIA.

They're all CIA there.

But yous know all about that.

He's on the payroll, don't lie.

I've been approached, like,
four times, you know.

Tap on the shoulder, innit?

And what did they ask of you?

Top-secret stuff, probably.

Who approached you?
What did they look like?

It was this guy, well, they...

They? So it was two people
that approached you? Hmm.

Their names?

Jamie and Steve.

The CIA gave you their names?

Really?

So, who's Jamie and Steve?
Or have you got it confused?

No, I'm not confused.
You sound confused.

There was one or two of them?
Doesn't matter how many.

And their names were Jason and
Simon? No, I said Jamie and Simon.

You said Jamie and Steve.

Well, I forgot!
They said they were MI6?

No, I said CIA.

MI6 or CIA?

Doesn't matter, does it?!
Why don't you go to Brum, Kash?

Cos he doesn't want to
fucking see me, does he?!

Count to ten when you get angry.

You've heard that one, I bet.

Eh?

Thing is, when I get angry,
numbers escape me.

Before I know it,
Mr Hyde's on the prowl again.

You've got to learn to control it.

Here, here's a little trick
I learned.

There.

Just look at the timer and breathe.

Just breathe.

You don't want us to come back here.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

PHONE CHIMES

Got an alert from the OP.

The Albanians are back.

Let's get over there.

Foxtrot 1 to control.

We have a subject
moving south on Aston, over.

RADIO: Roger that, Foxtrot 1.
Do you require assistance?

Negative.

We're four lengths back,
we don't expect to engage, over.

Roger that.

What's going on tonight?

I promise I'll leave my dad
at home this time.

You're lucky the feds showed up.
Mandem was about to get active.

Yeah, who was that dude?

You don't want to know.

So, what are you saying, then?
Meet up in a bit?

All right, yeah, cool.

Next time, man.

Who were you talking to?

Don't worry about it.
Go back to sleep.

RADIO: Go ahead, Foxtrot.

Yeah, I need background
on the old ballroom on Barking Road.

See whose name's on the deed,
purchase history,

whatever you've got. Roger that.

Guys, you're late.

What's your ETA?

RADIO: Difficult to say.
Traffic's rough.

Can't you just throw on
your blues and twos?

Can't be having that.

Discretion is of
the utmost importance.

Sorry, we're wasting away here.

LAUGHTER

Look at that, traffic cleared up!
Bastards.

Red building, subject entered
three hours ago.

Hope you've brought a book.

So ballroom's owned by
DDLM Consulting.

It's listed on the Kosovo Chamber
of Commerce as an accounting firm.

It's a shell.

Board members' names are probably
all picked off tombstones.

Well, we should still put a call in.

Charlie!

Fucking hell, how are you?

Ey up, lad.

Fucking hell. Nigel!

I didn't recognise you, mate.

Well, you know, time gets every man.

You an' all. I thought you was off
in the states, California?

No, I'm down in Florida, mate,
near Disneyland, yeah.

Fucking Mickey Mouse, innit?

Well, done nowt for the tan, I see,
huh?

Has this lovely thing got a name?

Holly.

Hi. Nigel Briggs, at your service.

Yeah, we're working on
a construction bid,

so hopefully we'll be over here
a lot more now.

How is it toiling for this one, eh?

He's a right maniac, as I know him.

He's not so bad, as long as
he remembers to count to ten.

Sounds about right, eh?

Have you heard Skittles
bollocksed it with her parole board?

Hey, what the fuck do they know?

There's always next year, eh?

How do you two know each other?

You don't want us
to get into that, you know.

Too blue for your precious ears.

What are you doing down here,
anyway?

I thought you said you'd never
set foot in London.

Ah, I fucked right off, you know?

I still stay out the PC swamp
as far as I can.

But, you know, when duty calls.

Master of disaster, eh?

Sharon said you'd matured.

I thought like old cheese,
you know, not like fine wine.

Hey, come on, you're not so bad
yourself, mate.

Clean as a cat's mouth, me.

Seven year, now. No way? Hm.

That's great, mate.

Are you still bumping into Sharon,
then?

Aye, now and again, now and again.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, she'd kill me
if I didn't snap the old selfie.

Yeah, yeah, come on.

Ha-ha, hey.

Sorted. Nice one.

Hey, listen, I'd love to
glory-days it with you,

but, you know, I've got a load
that won't wait on me, so...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, it's been special
bumping into you. Aye, aye.

If I ever catch word
you've been in that Legion,

drinking without me,
there'll be hell to pay.

You'll not lose any sleep on that.

All right. See you around.

WHISPERS: Fucking hell.

MUTTERS: Yeah, yeah...

Yeah.

Just...just have to be careful.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, Rizla, what is it?

Just going to hit the pad.
Do you want to come?

Nah, man, I've got something going.

Yeah? What's that?
Blud, you're nosy.

Why you always ask me questions?

Nah, I'm just looking for
something to do.

Yeah?

Yeah, I can come by.

Now?

Yeah, for what? What are we doing?

All right, I get it. No questions.

Yeah, all right.
Yeah, bring a helmet.

Bye.

Why you spying on me, weirdo?

Why are you spending 100 quid
on a pair of shoes?

Gora wedding, innit?

Can't exactly rock up
in a pair of fake creps.

Who's getting married?
No-one you know.

See you later. Where you going?

Out. But where, though?

Are you going to see
your girlfriend?

Mind your own business, perv.

Hey.

I wanted to explain something
about last night.

He was a contact from your UC work?

Yeah.

Yeah, and there's protocol,
you know.

I'm supposed to report
any interaction with anyone

from that time.

It's a whole song and dance.

I'd appreciate it if you left this
out of your duty statement.

You don't write these up normally?

I've never had to.
I've never had a run-in before.

What about...
Was it Sharon, he mentioned?

Yeah.

It was ten years ago.

You know, just after the case.

I'd rather leave it in.

I'm still trying to
get on Rose's good side.

It's only a duty statement.

Anything I say will speak to
how well you kept your cover.

Yeah.

You never lose it.

That's the training.

First thing they teach you
is how to carry yourself.

See you, when you walk,
you lead with your toes.

Doesn't everyone?

When I was a kid, my dad always
told me to stand up straight.

So I lead with my chest.

But Charlie, it's down here
in the hips.

And there's other things you can do,
you know, hair, clothes.

Everyone's got a different way
of reaching out to the world.

Touching it.

Go on, take it.

Oh, she's a grabber.

What about Charlie?

Charlie? Oh, he's a squeezer.

See, the problem is,
when you're the lie,

it's hard to know
which part of you is the truth.

And that's the burden.

It's your call.

Better hit the road.

Well, either way,
no good to anyone dead.

What time do you call this, Rizla?

It's now.

Whatever, man. So, where we going?

Yo!

You going to throw it over

or you just going to stand there
like a mug?

You live on this estate?

No.

No? You got people here?

No, I don't think so.

So what you doing here, then, man?

Huh?

HE SCOFFS

Chill, don't piss yourself, man.

Get off me. Shut up, man.

Give that back, bruv. Really?

It's ancient, bruv.

Oi!

You could have smashed
my nan's window!

Knob off.

Go on! You dickhead!

Piss off!

You'd better run!

Are you buddy-buddy with them?
I'm just trying to find my brother.

Yeah? Who's your brother?

You don't know him. Raza.

I've seen him, yeah.

Raza's my homie.

Bro!

He's a total legend.

That's nice.

You taking photos with it?

Yeah, that's what you do
with a camera.

I've got a pro camera at home.

Telephoto.

It holds, like, 1,000 gigs.

1,000 gigs?

Bruv, does that even exist?

How many gigs does that store,
then, bro?

Not even one.

Think about that.

OK.

I'm going to go home.

Come on, bro.

They don't mess with me.

Do you like cars?

Yeah, depends which one. Hmm.

Pussies.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

What are you doing?

Wait here.

I don't even know where here is.

Here's here, innit?
Just keep an eye out.

For what?

You've got eyes, haven't you?

Bad shit coming my way, just...

..honk the horn or something.

DOOR BUZZES

PHONE VIBRATES

What you waiting for? Get in there.

What are you on about?

I said, get in there.
Are you following me?

Maybe.

Seriously, stop messing with me.

Are you here?

Flash him the lights. Are you here?

Bruv, where are you?

I'm right behind you.

See me?

Oh, what are you doing here?

I'm waiting for you
to get your arse in there.

Go on, pile of fish!

You sure it's safe in there?

He'll be all right.

Try the other door. Go on.

There he is.

Told you.

Boy's a natural.

Hello?

Yo, Dadir?

Oh, my... Rizla, what are you
doing in here?!

Hey, I know this one.

This is your guy with the old man.

Enough!

This is your friend?

Yeah, no, what it is,
I told him to wait outside.

This is not outside.

Perhaps he's not your friend.

No, no, Mr Gramos, it's not
like that. You see I...

GUN CLICKS
Shh-shh-shh-shh.

Your shirt and jeans.

Your clothes, off.

RAZA BREATHES SHAKILY

168.

Have you been running?

Hm?

What's your name?

Raza. Raza Shar.

Raza Shar.

India? Bangladesh? Pakistan?

Pakistani.

Kashmiri? Punjabi? Urdu?

Urdu.

IN URDU:

I want you to be honest with me now.

Why are you in my house?

Dadir said to watch his back.

There's a surveillance van
parked across the street.

I thought you should know.

How you know this?

Plumbing van.

I saw this geezer get inside.

He hasn't moved.

Rizla's a chess master, Mr Gramos.

Trust.

THEY SPEAK IN OTHER LANGUAGE

THEY SPEAK IN OTHER LANGUAGE

Get dressed.

Raza Shar.

Chess master!

HE COUGHS

Who'd you meet behind that door?
Your big shot, dude.

How do you know it was him?

I don't know, cos he acted
like a general all-round big shot,

like, stripped me down,
had a machinegun at my face.

That's good. Tell me about him.

That's good? Are you serious?

It's all a matter of perspective.

Yeah, thanks, bruv.
I'm not your bruv.

I'm not here to catch your feelings.

You're in the back of my car
for one reason.

Information.

The fellow with the machinegun,
tell me about him.

Dadir called him Mr Gramos.

He's old, like, older-than-you old.

He's Albanian.

What makes him Albanian?

They had the flag up,
you know, the bird.

What else?

He's waving a machinegun around.
What else do you need to know?

I was doing what you told me to.
Apparently that's all I ever do.

Pilot fish -
go where the shark goes.

Guess where the shark leads you?

Bigger fuckin' sharks!

I got you your big shot, dude.

When are you going to arrest him?

Soon, maybe.

No more soon. Now.

I want out now!

When I say soon, it's soon.

When I say now, it's now.

And when I say talk, you talk.

I promise you, there's no
bigger shark down here than me.

I want more, then.

I want my mum to be British,
on paper.

You can do that, right?

I can help, but you're going
to have to earn it.

I just stood out in front of
the Albanian massif with a gun

at my head
and my flopper hanging out.

What else can I give you?

Hey.

You survived.

That's the hardest part.

PHONE CHIMES

Hello?

WOMAN: Excuse me, who's this?
Why do you have my husband's phone?

I-I don't know your husband.

I found this in a taxi.

The driver looked shifty so I didn't
want to leave it with him.

Oh, sorry...
TRAILS OFF

Yeah, it's, erm, it's early.
Can we do this later?

I'm sorry.

Sorry about the call.

It's not...

Well, I mean, it is, but...

Thanks for covering.

Oh, thanks.

Good luck with your wife.

We don't need to shake on it, mate.

Right.

DOOR CLOSES

That bloke was married?

How long have you been up?
He has a wife.

Don't look at me like that.

It's not like he advertised it
on his profile.

Holls, if there's one thing
we both know for certain

it's that all men lie.

They sweat lies, they shit lies.

Hmm. If a man is talking,
it's a lie.

FRIDGE OPENS, RATTLING

CHANTING: Action 14!
Action 14! Action 14!

I've got this genius system,
you know.

I call the lady
at the skip company

and she tells me whether they've
been hired out by any car shops

or mechanics and that.

Bro, bro, come here!

Yes! As if!

You see that, yeah? Yeah.

That'll cost you 500 to fit in
at a scrapyard, you know. Whoa.

Feel that. Oh, it's heavy.

It is, innit? Yeah.

Let me get a picture.

Tilt it, bro.

All I'm getting is glare.

You're going to eat up my data.
Why can't we use your phone?

I'm not supposed to use
the internet, innit?

VIDEO: Tighten up the nuts
and the bolts...

Hey, Akash.

You nicked me tools again?

No. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about me spanners.

And who's this young man?

My friend, Nas.

Hiya. I'm helping with the car.

If that jalopy ever
gets running again,

you two lads can take me and his nan
down t'boozer, can't you, eh?

HE CHUCKLES

So, what?

Your dad's a gora, then?

No way!

The old git's my mum's dad.

Kafir bastard.

Why are you so tense?

Lean back. I'm not tense.

The water's too hot.

Oh, you're always so fussy.

You always run the water too hot.

Kills the head lice.

You've been saying that same joke
since I can remember.

So, what are you so worried about?

Me? Mm-hm.

Nothing.

This wedding.

Do her parents know you're Asian?

Well, they put my name
on the seating chart.

If they ain't cracked the case
by now, they're never going to.

SHE CHUCKLES

You know, when I first came here,
I went out with a gora.

A rugby player.

This one time, we met his mother.

I don't know why, I started speaking
with a proper English accent.

POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: "Ooh, hello,
ma'am, your son is so splendid!

"Lovely weather we're having!"

So I had to just
dump this rugby player

just to save myself
from the bloody accent.

So you just be you, huh?

Let everybody at this wedding see.

My boy's a fucking superstar, hm?

Boom!

SHE CHUCKLES

DISTANT CHORAL SINGING

Hey. You all right, love?
She wants a word with you.

Mr Briggs?

Holly. We met the other day.

Yeah, I got your message.

If I had owt to say,
I would have called you back.

Right.

I was hoping we could talk
for a minute, regarding Charlie.

Didn't I say? I got your message.

Have I upset you somehow?

You can tell Charlie, I ain't
said nowt, I ain't done nowt.

I daren't even think nowt.

Right, well, I'm not
here FOR Charlie,

but I am here ABOUT Charlie.

As he mentioned, we might be
going into business together.

This is just due diligence.

Clearly you two have a long history.

Yeah, yeah, history all right, yeah.

I've done my time.

Five years, three months, 17 days.

And what life I've got left,
I clawed together,

but that's the lot I got.

I'm grateful for it.

I'm not here to disturb that.

Well, then, you'll be on your way.

I noticed you drive a lorry now.

Must be nice, being on the road
after a time inside.

Five years, three months, 17 days.

Does that count as
a spent conviction?

Pretty sure anything above
four years

you have to declare to
your employer. Or am I wrong?

Mardy Charlie, huh?

One glimpse and I get back
in quicksand again, huh?

There's no harm in answering
a few questions.

Well, then, you don't know him,
do you?

I'd steer a lifetime away from
that man, if I were you.

There's some of God's creatures
you don't see coming.

How's that?

No, it's too tight.

They're supposed to be tight.
You don't want them flying off

when you're barrelling down on goal,
do you?

Where did you say her shin pads
were? They're already in the car.

PHONE VIBRATES

Right, come on.

I've got to take this.
Yeah, we'll be in the car.

MAN: This is Redwood
Virtual Office, Orlando.

He's coming, he's coming.
Just be a minute.

We have an incoming call
for Charlie Goodman

from...
SHARON: It's Sharon.

To accept the call, press one.

To forward to voicemail...

Hello, stranger.

Charlie, I'm confused.

How are you back in Florida already?

Have you spoken to Nigel?

Hey, listen.

I wasn't there for long.

It was just a flying visit. Oh, OK.

I barely had time to unpack,
let alone make it up north.

Please can you turn on
the hot air, Mum?

Sharon?

Charlie, you promised me
when you're on this side

of the ocean, you're mine,

but if I hear you're in the country
and not dropping in on the Legion,

how am I not going to be
on the fucking warpath?

Are you there, Charlie?

Hello?

Mummy?

That woman said a bad word.

Yeah, it's just the radio.

Not losing you for another Saturday,
are we?

Did I say anything about going in?

I've got a lot of money
riding on this match.

Are you ready to win?

Ole, ole, ole, ole!

Go on!

BOTH: Ole, ole!

HONKS HORN

Ole, ole!

Ole!
Keep it up!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely.

MUSIC: The Look of Love
by ABC

Hello. Hi. Hello, honey.

Dad wants you to join his pub team,
apparently.

Of course he does.

I'm a trivia machine.

The bar's empty.

Better make my move.

You can't still be nervous?

It's more your mum I'm wary of.

No lie, she was kind of
giving me the vibe.

You're so full of shit.

You, me, next song.

Can I get a Jack and Coke?

Sorry about that, bruv.

I get it.

I can't stand that shit, neither.
Won't get any better.

We'll be doing the Macarena
by midnight!

Jack and Coke, if you don't mind.

Room stash.

12 years.

Don't be telling no-one, though.

Oh, no, no. Don't worry, bro.

That's for them, innit?

Be easy, bruv. Bless.

Dizzy

I'm so dizzy

My head is spinning

Like a whirlpool, it never ends

And it's you, girl, making it spin

You're making me dizzy

My head is spinning

Like a whirlpool, it never ends

And it's you, girl, making it spin

You're making me dizzy...

CHILDREN SHOUT TO EACH OTHER

Here you are. Thanks.
Has she scored yet?

Um, she hit the ball once.

I don't think it went
where she intended.

She'll get better
in the second half.

Yeah.

Who's Charlie?

Is that one of Lori's friends?

It's not a trick question, Gabe.

Why don't you answer it, then?

I heard it in the car.

Lori heard it.

I never ask you about who calls you

in the middle of the night,
weekends.

I don't ask about where you go,
who you see.

I know you can't talk about
your work,

but there is one person,
whenever they call you,

I can tell.

It shakes you.

Sets you off-kilter somehow.

I don't know,
I can't put my finger on it.

At least I've got a name now.

Charlie.

It's just a name.

Doesn't mean anything.

It's the name I use to keep
the unsavouries far from here,

from you and Lori.

PHONE VIBRATES

But not too far.

MUSIC: Macarena
by Los del Rio

Can I bum one?

Thanks, bruv. Cheers, bruv.

You must be psychic.

It's not even midnight.

Bruv, I've done a thousand weddings.

Someone's going to throw up,
someone's going to fight,

someone's going to fuck,
and everyone does the Macarena.

It's always the same shit.

All right.
Tell me who's going to fuck.

All right. Him, pink tie,
and, er, her, blue dress.

You sure about that?

No doubt. Why you saying that?

Posh girls all got a type.

Don't like me or you.
They like that pussy-o.

That's funny, cos she's my girl.

For real? Hmm.

Oh, my bad, bruv.

Relax, bruv. You got your girl,
it's all good.

Yeah, but I ain't saying
it's all good.

You're talking about, she's going to
get with someone else.

No, no. Say what you mean.

I already said it.
You know I didn't mean it.

You meant it, it's OK. Say it.

What the fuck is your problem?

WOMEN GASP AND SCREAM

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Raza, stop!

Come on!
What the hell are you doing?!

Raza, poor form, man!

What's come over you?

Get him some water.

Charlotte! Idiot!

Ugh, I'm so sorry.

This train is for Bank.
The next station is Island Gardens.

When leaving the train, please take
all your belongings with you.

Your ummi's had a chamomile.

She won't wake for elephants.

Sit down.

I need to sleep, Abu.

I'm beat.

Raza, love, do you know
what you're getting yourself into?

Bed, hopefully.

What are you on about?

You, working for the police!

That's mental.

Where did you hear that?

I didn't hear it.

I seen the camera
in your jacket, didn't I?

Whatever you're doing,
you have to stop.

It's too dangerous.

What do you know about dangerous?

I'm your father.

I protect you.

I protect this whole family.

Since when?

Since...?

Since I cut your bloody
umbilical cord, that's when!

Smarty-arse! You can have a round of
applause for that, then.

I'm surprised they let you
near a pair of scissors.

Or did you find the decency
to put your beers down for two ticks

while your sons were born?

Fuck me, bruv.

I protect this family.

It's on me now.

Go back to sleep.

I found my love

By the gasworks croft

Dreamed a dream

By the old canal

Kissed my boy

By the factory wall

Dirty old town

Clouds are drifting
across the moon

Dirty old town

I'm going to take me
a good sharp axe

Shining steel tempered in the fire

Cut you down
like an old, dead tree

Dirty old town

Dirty old town

Dirty old town.