In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 9 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript

(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.

#...That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #

(# Bridal March)

#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #



All this palaver, just to get a drink!

And a smoke.

Her and her bloody economies!

"Save! Save every penny. I want
my wedding day to be a happy day."

It won't be a happy day for me!

Won't be a happy life for long,
not if this is anything to go by.

I gotta give up my pleasures to waste
money on her bloody silly wedding!

All this sacrifice
and what am I getting out of it, eh?

All right, putting two pensions together,
Is'pose.

Bit better looked after
as far as food goes,

bit of cleaning, bit of washing,
but that's all, though.

This is the sort of price
I've gotta pay for it -

having to sneak a drink,
sneak a smoke. Bloody 'ell!

Well...



Better not let her find out
about this box,

otherwise that'll be
my independence up the spout.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Oh, Gawd!

- (WOMAN SINGS)
- Oh, Gawd!

Ooh, Christ!

(SHE HUMS CHEERFULLY)

- It's exciting, really, innit?
- What is?

- This time next month, we'll be married.
-Hmm.

In four weeks' time, on this day,

at this hour, we'll be man and wife.

We'll have been married for seven hours!

If it lasts that long.

- What?
- I said, "Yes, it's exciting!"

- Aren't you looking forward to it?
- Can't wait(!)

- You don't look vew excited.
- I am! I am!

What do you want me to do?
Jump up and down on the spot?!

- You could look more pleased.
- I am, but why bloody Saturday?

You can get married
any old day of the week,

but no, you have to go and pick Saturday,
when it's football.

Four weeks today, when we're getting
married, West Ham will be playing at home!

I think you love West Ham
more than you love me.

I love Millwall more than I love you.

- What did you say?
- (SHOUTS) I said, it's exciting!

Gordon Bennett!

Look, it's no good you sitting there
sulking and showing off

just cos I've asked you
to save a bit towards it,

because I'm determined
to make that day a happy day.

- All right...
- And I'm not gonna let you spoil it.

All right, have your happy day.

No-one's saying
you shouldn't have your happy day.

- I'm going to. I've set my mind on it.
- All right, 'ave it, 'ave it!

I'll go without, I'll be miserable,
anything, so long as you're happy!

I'm beginning to think it'd be a happier
day if you didn't have to be there.

All right, I'll stay here.
I don't want to spoil your happy day.

I'll send a proxy up the church!
You can get married by that!

I ain't got much to do up there, anyway,
have I,

except stand around like a prize lemon
saying "I do! I will!"

I can write that down.
Someone can read it out for me.

I wish they could.

- Oh, light your pipe, go on! Go on.
- It's got nothing to do with that.

- It just seems...
- What?

It's a waste! It all seems a waste.

A waste to save up?

No! Not to be able to have a drink or
a smoke! It's a waste of time, that's all.

A waste of time to save up
for my wedding?

- Oh, I see. It's your wedding, is it? Oh.
- Our wedding.

Oh, good. I'm glad you invited me(!)

Go on, smoke it. Smoke it.
Go on, cancel the wedding!

All right, keep your hair on!

- It's more than you can do!
- Oh, funny(!)

All right, look...

I'll just 'ave the one smoke, all right?
One tiny smoke only.

All right?

That's not going to upset
your wedding budget, is it?

Go on, smoke it.

I knew you didn't have the willpower
to give it up.

Not got the willpower?
Not got the willpower to give it up?!

Cor blimey! What do you think I've been
doing for the last half hour, then?

I s'pose you'll be over the pub tonight.

No, not necessary. I said I'd give up
smoking an' drinking for the duration

and I shall keep my word.

Just this one small pipe...

Helps to keep up the resolve, that's all.

Look, I know it's hard trying to save
on the little bit we got comin® in.

I mean, a wedding is an expense.

- It don't need to be.
- If it was up to you, it wouldn't be.

Not that much!
It don't need to be so expensive!

We're having a whip-round for the booze.

But I shall want a new dress!

- A new dress?
- A new dress.

What do you want a new dress for?

I've told you.
I'm willing to take you as you are.

You don't have to dress up for me, girl!

It's not just for you.

I mean, there'll be others watchin'
and pointin', see what I'm wearin'.

Well, sod 'em!
It's me you're marrying, not them!

Well, I'm not going up to the church
in rags!

Besides, there'll be cars to the church...

Cars to church? Don't be daft!
There's no need for that.

We can walk up the church!

Walk? What, me in white,
walk up the church?

White?! What d'you mean...?
What d'you mean "white"?!

At your age! (LAUGHS)

At my age? What about your age?

At your age, I should be thinkin'
of black, I suppose!

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you think I'm too old
for marriage, my dear,

p'raps you'd better find yourself
a nice little toy boy.

No, thank you, Mr Garnett.

I've never been interested in that side
of marriage, thank you very much.

Maybe you're not, but I might be.

I might be old, but even in age
there can still be a flicker.

Yeah, well, if there is,
you can flicker it somewhere else.

Cos I tell you now, I have no wish to
put up with any of your fevered fumblings

disturbing my rest at night.

When I go to bed, I go to bed to sleep,

not to be pawed an' poked around with
by you or anybody else.

So let it be clear,
marriage or no marriage,

I've no intention of becoming the victim

- of your overheated imaginings.
- Oh, yeah?

And as I've told you before,
I am not an amusement park.

Well, let me tell you something, missus!
A man has his rights

even if he don't choose to exercise them,
but they are his rights

and nothing to do with the woman.

Unless he wants to be lenient and say,

"All right, go to sleep,
have your 'eadache.”

But they are still his conjugal rights

- because marriage is a contract.
- It's a holy bond.

All right, holy bond,
but even holy bond, he's still entitled.

- Entitled to what?
- His conjugals!

Otherwise, what did he marry her for
in the first place?

That's why you want to marry me,
Is'pose.

No, no, no! Not for that. I don't mean
that. Cor blimey, I don't want that!

- No, you won't be getting it neither.
- I've never said I want it, have I?

If you've got any flicker left
in your bulb,

you can plug it in some other socket...

where it might be more appreciated.

I shouldn't think
anyone'd get much light from it!

Oh, yeah!
Well, you might be surprised, my dear!

- Oh, surprised?
- Yeah!

- You?
- Yes!

That wouldn't be a surprise,
that'd be a miracle!

Raisin' of the dead, I should think!

Never mind about the dead, my dear.

You just be careful you don't raise it,
that's all

Otherwise, you might be raising
something you hadn't bargained for.

- Oo-er!
- Never mind about "oo-er"!

Here! I thought
you was only smokin' one pipe.

But now it's two, innit?!

Because this is my 'ouse, my pipe
and my tobacco.

And my nail file! Leave it alone.

Anyway, I thought you were givin' it up.

Refraining from, my dear.
Refraining from it.

Like other things
I've managed to refrain myself from...

to keep control over...

Might only seem a little flicker to you,
as you seem to think.

But you mind yourself
it don't burst out into flame,

because I might not be able to control it.

Someone as virginal as you say you are

- might get badly burned.
- Oh, dear!

I'm not proud of this thing I've got.

- It was given to me by the Lord.
- Oh, don't bring Him into it!

Because the Lord wanted us
to procreate!

- No, God made us.
- All right, yes!

But in the beginning,
all He made was Adam an' Eve.

He didn't make the rest of us...

He gave us the tools to assist Him -
to mass-produce.

- You only had the one child.
- The one that is known, my dear.

The one that has been recorded.

But the leash has been slipped
on a few occasions, unfortunately.

There has been times,
I'm willing to confess,

when even my Jjron control of it
hasn't been enough!

It's a fearsome thing, my dear.

And at its first stirrings,
I will say to it, "Down, boy! Desist!"

And some women, who've flaunted
and teased it beyond my control,

have been more than frightened
of what they've raised up, I can tell you!

Fainted, they have, some of 'em.
Fainted dead away at the sight of it!

I'm not boasting

because it was given to me by the Lord.

I didn't grow it me self.

But when I was younger,

less mature than I am today,

a bit crude p'raps, if you like,
as most youth is,

I got up to pranks with it.

I won competitions with it
for the longest.

Blimey, I beat the opposition by a mile!

A mile?!

All right, a yard.

Well... Well, it don't notice.

Mm... Like a snake,
it coils itself in repose, my dear.

After we're married, if you like,
I'll show it to you.

No! No, I'd sooner
you kept it in your room!

Not a thing to be tampered with, my dear,
I can tell you.

No. As long as you can keep it tame!

You'll be stayin' in your own room, then,

- after we're married, will you?
- You must be joking.

After what you've just told me,
it seems like the safest place!

'Ere, I wouldn't want it
creepin' up the stairs durin' the night.

Don't worry. I'll always be
in shouting distance!

It all seems a bit of a tall story to me.

Tall? Yeah, well...

P'raps you should be looking
for some other kind of woman to marry

if all that you say is true.

No, thank you, my dear, I'm quite happy
with my choice I've made.

Are you? I'm not so sure I am.

I think I'LL make a cup of tea.

Right, I'll give you a hand
to put the kettle on, then.

Ooh...

Oo-er!

- 'Ere, what about the council?
- What about the council?

Well, we got two flats here
an' they might think

when we're married,
we should only have one flat.

No! I've got my flat
and you've got your flat.

- I don't want to lose my flat.
- Me neither.

I'd rather not get married
than lose my flat.

Me neither. Look, if the council
comes nosing about,

saying anything
about any one of these flats,

well, it's divorce, innit?
Half an' half, an' split up.

It's half an' half now!

Yeah, but that's the way it's gonna stay.

I don't want the council
moving you in with me!

I don't want to move in with you,
thank you!

No. Me neither.

No point in getting married
just to lower our status, is there?

You've got your privacy
and I've got my privacy.

I mean, that's the way it should be,
marriage or no marriage.

I don't mind making
an honest woman of you...

No, I mean, I'm all for it.

I want to put an end to the gossips
about you an' me living in sin together,

so you can come down here then and
do your domestic work without any scandal.

I'm not gonna be an unpaid housekeeper!

- Nobody said you are.
-I am now!

That's only temporary, my dear,
till you become my wife.

Your unpaid housekeeper.

Well, as a wife, I will expect you
to do a little housekeeping, naturally.

- I do it all now.
- Yes, but as a wife,

my dear, you'll have more status.
You'll belong to someone

and you can hold your head up
amongst other women.

What?

Nobody'llL be able to cast
any stones on you

because I will have made you honourable.

Ooh, I'm so grateful to you(!)

And what will I be expected to do
for all that?

I won't make no demands on you.
No unnatural demands, that is.

No, you just go on the way you're going.
I shall be perfectly happy.

I must be mad. It's not as though
I expected much to change anyway.

But as you say,
it'll make us look more respectable.

- As long as I can keep my own room.
- I told you.

And as long as you're not harbouring
any ideas.

- No!
- It's companionship.

Right.

And with all your faults, it'll be
less trouble than keeping a dog.

I dunno. I sometimes wonder
what the purpose of it all is.

What?

Why God made us all in the first place

and put us 'ere to live...
in places like this.

I mean, it's not 'appy life, is it?

You have to make your own happiness,
my dear, I'm afraid.

Well, you seem easily made content.

Just being you
is enough for you, it seems.

I'm not unhappy in myself.
You have to make your own life.

You're given so much clay to start with
and you have to mould it,

like a sculptor would,
into what you're happy with.

You seem to be happy enough
just sitting there smoking that thing

and pouring beer and whisky into yourself.

Well, we're all entitled
to our little pleasures, my dear.

I mean, you've got your beads...

...and your candles
what you light up in front of that statue,

and your 'oly water.

I've got my pipe...

...and the few drinks I allow myself
to imbibe on occasions.

Nothing that would offend the Lord,
I'm sure.

Oh, wouldn't it?

He'd have to be a saint to put up with you
puffing that thing all over Him.

It's not a sin, my dear, smoking.

Blimey, your Father Delaney,
he likes his pipe, don't he?

And I notice he wasn't backward at dipping
into my pouch when he was 'ere.

Nor getting stuck into
my little drop of whisky.

You offered him a drink of that.

A drink, yes! Not to sit there guzzlin' it
till the whole bottle was empty!

He's Irish, in't he?

- What's that got to do with it?
- Nothing.

I don't want to be labelled racist again.

But the Irish,
they wouldn't belong to a Church

if they couldn't do a fair bit of drinking
in it, would they?

I'm Irish. I can go to church
without drinking.

I can sit here in my own home,
without drinking, content,

without forever yearning
to be in some pub or other

drinking myself senseless.

You was born in England, my dear!

It's not the earth my feet tread
but where my spirit lives.

- You'll be English when you marry me.
- Is that a threat?

Ah, well, never mind, I'll still retain
the right to my Irish passport.

You're lucky, my dear.

Most Irish would give their right arm
to be English.

Most foreigners would.

From 'ong Kong to your Russian Urals.
Blimey, it's their dream!

- The Irish aren't foreigners!
- Not in Ireland, maybe!

No, not anywhere.

Look, if Ireland is so wonderful,
why are most of them over 'ere, eh?

We was forced to come 'ere.
We didn't come voluntary.

I see. Brought over in chains, was you(?)

Forced to come 'ere
because of the potato famine.

Bloody typical, that is!

Their favourite food, they don't even know
how to grow it properly!

(BRAYING LAUGH)

Look, I've got nothing against the Irish.

I'm prepared to marry one of 'em.
I'm willing to make you my wife!

- Thank you(!)
- Look...

As you say, it's a world
we've all gotta live in -

master, servant, man, woman.

That's it, I s'pose.
It's the way the Lord made it.

I mean, see, you were saying,

"What is the purpose of it all?" Well...

I'll explain. See, God made us -
not Himself personally,

not so He could stamp us
"Handmade by God".

He'd say, "There's Mrs Hollingbery,

"I'll make her Irish, give her fair hair.

“There's Mr Garnett.
I'll make 'im English and give 'im..."

A bald head.

Shut up.

Try not to be facetious, my dear!

What He done...

He made the Garden of Eden first
and Adam and Eve.

Well, he probably did make them Himself.

Everything in the garden
would've been marvellous

and smellin' of roses, but Eve...

Typical bloody woman!
...she took God's apple,

the one He was saving for Himself,
and we got slung out of it.

Probably looking forward to that apple,
He was, for after His lunch.

Probably told everyone,
"0i, that's my apple, that rosy one.

"So hands off it!"

But Eve, typical bloody woman,
had to disobey...

as woman has been disobeying man
ever since.

That's probably why God invented marriage.

He said, "Right! I'll teach woman to obey
once and for all,

"if I never do anything bloody well again!

"I'll teach her to nick my bloody apples!"

You know your trouble.
You think God is just like you.

Every time you talk about Him

you give Him all your own bad habits.

For all you know, He might be a woman.

God a woman? Don't talk bloody daft!

That's the last thing He would have made
Himself is a woman, innit?

And would you turn that light off
in the kitchen.

Go on about economising,

make me sit here in misery.

I'm not allowed to have a drink
or a smoke

and you burn lights all over the house!

I'm going out there again in a minute.

When you do, my dear,
you can turn it on again!

No need to leave bloody lights burning,
is there?

You want to save up.
Well, turn some lights off.

- One little light bulb?
- Yes, one little light bulb!

But they're a lot cheaper
if you turn 'em off!

Come on - bed!
These lights are going off now.

You want a happy day, don't you?

Right! (SHOUTS) Lights out!

I can't see!

ALF: Well, you can feel
your way upstairs, can't you?

Get off of me! That's my watch chain
you're pullin'!

I mean, you're the one
who wants a happy day!

You're the one who wants everyone
to save up for your happy day.

- (CLUNK!)
- Ow, bloody hell!

- Who put that Hoover 'ere!?
- Serves you right!

(WIND HOWLS)

Oh, Gawd!

Mrs Hollingbery!

(SHOUTS) Mrs Hollingbery!

- Mrs Hollingbery!
- What do you want?

Are you awake?

Well, if I wasn't awake already
with this storm,

I'd be awake now with all your shouting!

What are we gonna do?

I've got me holy water and me rosary.
What do you think I'm gonna do? Pray!

- (CLATTERING)
- Gawd!

(ALF WHIMPERS)

Blimey! Why didn't they give us
no warning?!

What would you have done?

- We could've prepared!
- Prepared what?

I dunno. It's too late now anyway.

- (CLATTERING)
- Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Is that enough?

-Eh?
- Better be on the safe side!

- What're you doing?
- You never done it over me!

Is there anything else I gotta do?

It does work, does it?
If you're not a Catholic, I mean.

- Don't use it all up!
- We can get some more.

'Ere, don't you think
you ought to get your clothes on?

-Eh?
- I'm gonna get dressed.

If the house is blown down
and we've gotta be rescued,

- I don't want to be in my nightdress...
- What are you doing?!

There's clean underclothes in there
I washed for you.

They were for next week,
but you'd better put it on now.

If we do have to be rescued
you don't want to show yourself up.

(SMASHING)

Get in there! Get in there!
You stay 'ere!

What you doin' now?

- These clothes ain't been watered.
- Oh, come here!

You've used it all up nearly.

I'll have to buy it by the gallon
if this weather keeps up.

Besides, I don't know if it's any good
for you - you're not a Catholic.

I'm marrying one!

Yeah, well, maybe.
I don't know if it covers relations,

not even married ones
if they're not Catholics,

especially when He's got a rush on
with a disaster like this.

He won't have time
to worry about Protestants.

He'll be too busy
twin' to save all the Catholics.

(CLATTERING)

- Have that as well.
- Oh, shut up!

- (CRASH)
- Oh, God! Oh, God!

What are you doing under there?

Come on! If the house blows down,
it'll be safer under 'ere!

- There's no room under 'ere!
- Stick your head under, can't you?!

If the house blows down and it falls
on us, we'll be buried alive under 'ere.

I know what I'm doing!

It's Government guidelines this, innit?
They issued a pamphlet on it.

If there is a nuclear warning,
go and sit under the table.

This can't be worse
than a nuclear bomb, can it?

- We're a nuclear-free zone!
- Oh, shut up!

(CRASHING)

Argh...!

- Are you afraid?
- No.

What are you shaking for?

- I'm not shaking.
- You are. You're trembling like a jelly!

- It's the wind, innit?
- Your teeth are chattering.

What do you expect them to do?
It's bloody cold, innit?

I'm old! I shouldn't have to get up to
this sort of thing at my time of life,

being dragged out of bed in the middle
of the night to sit under a bloody table!

- It's not doing my hip any good!
- Moaning won't help.

I'm not moaning,
but you'd think someone'd help.

You'd think someone
would show a bit of consideration.

- Well, who?
- Look, I'm not young any more,

but if I was, I'd be out
helping old people like us.

I'd be knocking on doors.

Nobody's knocked on our door!
We could be dying in here.

Nobody's bothered. Ooh! Ooh!

- What's the matter?!
- I gotta go!

- Where?
- To the lavvy.

- Won't it wait? Can't you hold it?
- No!

I'd have thought
a man of your boast in dimensions

could've reached it from here!

It's only a few feet!

Shut up!

Where's the bloody torch?!

It's on the sideboard.
What do you want the torch for?

- In case the lights go!
- What about me if the lights go?

Don't worry. I'll find you!

Wouldn't it be terrible
if the house blew down

and it was only the toilet
that got caught

and everything fell on it
and you was buried alive in it?!

People would say,
"That Mrs Hollingbery was lucky,

"but poor Mr Garnett got caught short
and had to go.

"If only he could've waited,
he'd be alive and well today!"

What a place to end your days!

- Shut up, will you!?
- (SMASHY)

- Aagh!
- You was quick.

Yeah. Move over, will you?

It's not bloody fair, is it?

This is that ozone-layer thing.
That's what this is.

It's not bloody fair, it's not our fault!

- People like us, we didn't do it.
- You must've helped with that pipe.

Don't talk daft! I'm only smoking
tobacco, not bloody rainforests!

I'm not burning energy, am I?

I can't even afford to burn coal,
just one bar of electric!

- The smoke must go somewhere!
- Oh, shut up!

Oh, God! Aagh!

Oh! Ow! Blimey, I've got cramp!

Oh, good 'eavens!

Where are you going?

I'm going to sit here, if you don't mind.

Don't be daft. You're safer
under the table with me.

No, no, no, I'll take me chances out here,
if you don't mind...

Oh!

Oh, look, a money box!

Eh? Oi! That's mine!

- No, I saw it first!
- Give us that 'ere!

No! Finders keepers!

No, look, if it's not been lost,
it can't be found!

This is treasure trove!

- No, it's mine! Give it to me!
- Prove it!

If you take that, that's stealing!

- What's yours is mine!
- Not yet, it ain't!

Oh... Oh.

Money!

Money!

Oh, you old Scrooge, you!

You old miser!
You've been hoarding this from me.

An' I've been struggling saving,
scrubbin' floors for people,

working my fingers to the bone
so's we could Live,

- and all the time you've...
- Look, it was for us!

Well, why was it hidden from us?

- Why wasn't us told about it?
- I was saving it for a rainy day.

- Give us that.
- What's that?

Nothing. Mind your own business.

That's your Post Office book
you swore you didn't have.

Swore it on your life, you did.

Ohh, this'lL buy me a new dress,
new pair o' shoes, that new 'at I wanted,

car to the church... Ooh! Several cars!

There's enough here for the wedding!
Plenty!

It's gonna make my wedding day a very
'appy day, you'll be pleased to hear.

'Ere, have a drink and a smoke.

Enjoy yourself!

I'm going to! (CHUCKLING)

(# Bridal March)

# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But no-one gives a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact

# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #

(# Bridal March)

#...In sickness and in health
I said "I do". #