In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 4 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Bloody hell!



Why can't she answer it?

She's up there!

She can hear it as well as I can!

Bloody cow.

-Oh!
-Oh, Christ!

Hello, Mr Garnett. We can't stay.

Only we thought as we was passing
we'd just drop in.

I said to Gwenneth, didn't I?

I said, we can't walk past Mr Garnett's
door without dropping in to say hello.

I've just taken her up to Harley Street
to see a specialist.

You've been up Harley Street?

And you're passing my front door
in the East End of London

on your way home to Eastbourne?

And aren't you pleased to see us, eh?



Is he the doctor?

No, that is Mr Garnett.

I don't like his surgery.

I say, she's got a new hearing aid.

I'm saying, you've got
a new hearing aid!

But I still have to shout.

I'm telling him you've got
a new hearing aid!

What the bloody hell is she doing?

Gwenneth, what you doing?

What are you... Here, look at my lips.
Watch my lips. What are you...

You want to see everything, Doctor?

He don't!

Put your clothes back on.
Mr Garnett's not a doctor.

I say, you ask him if he wants a sample.

You said you would, Min.

You know I don't like asking men
questions like that.

You know it embarrasses me!
You know it does!

Besides, I've got nothing to do it in.

I want something to do it in.

Tell him, I'll need a respectable!

Get her dressed, for crying out loud!

-Oh, no... No! No!
-Get out of here!

Sod off, will you?

Don't much like the look of him.

He don't look like a doctor to me.

I thought they was posh
in Harley Street.

Eh... Oh, hello.

Where's Mr Garnett?

Oh, um, he's gone in there.

Oh.

-Oh, no you don't.
-Huh?

You wait your turn.

I was here before you, you know.

We've come all the way from Eastbourne,
I have.

Anyway, it isn't your health service.
It's ours. We started it.

I've paid in a lot more than you have.

It's the kids, you know,
bunking in before us.

Sit down!

You take your turn!

Um, she thinks Mr Garnett is the doctor.

Oh.

I'll go to my room, eh?

Where's he gone?

He's gone to see the other doctor.

There's nothing to read here.
There should be something to read!

I mean, if he's going to take
all that time,

there ought to be something to read.

Here you are. There's something to read.

What's this?

"He is not a doctor.

"He is a friend."

Yes.

Who's a friend?

He is a friend.

You can come out now, Mr Garnett.

I've explained everything.

He's not the doctor?

No, that is Mr Garnett.

You swine!

I'll tell the police on you.
Where's the phone?

No, no, no! No, no, no!
This is a no, no, no job.

Where's the phone?

Hello? Hello? Police?

Hello! Is anyone there?

-Give me...
-Is anyone there?

Put that back there
and read what's written on there.

"He is not a doctor, he is a..."

-"Friend."
-Yes!

Oh!

-He's your friend.
-Yes!

Oh, well, how do you do?

I'm ever so sorry.

You must excuse me.

I was waiting for the doctor,
only he disappeared.

It's a bit of all right, you know.

Get you undressed,
leave you without a robe or anything,

then they waltz off somewhere.

This is not the bloody doctor's!

No, I see what you mean.
Was you waiting to see him, too?

Oh, isn't it marvellous, though?

Fancy your meeting your friend in here.

Well, we live in Eastbourne, you know.

Do you live in Eastbourne, too?

This is Mr Garnett!

Who?

Garnett! Mr Garnett!

-Garnett?
-Yes!

-Did you say Garnett?
-Yes!

Sit down!

-Where's me bag?
-There.

Here's your bag. Sit down a minute.

Ooh.

Her doctor's put her on pills.

But he don't give her enough,
I don't think.

And I don't know why, 'cause she's a
lot better off when she's on the pills.

She just sits and sleeps
and does what you tell her.

But of course, when they wear off
she's a nuisance.

She's my sister,

and I have to admit it,
she's a relation,

but I am aware of the trouble
what she is

'cause I have to look after her,
you see,

and I don't get no thanks,
not that I expect any,

not that I want any
and I don't complain.

She's my sister,
and families are a blessing.

Although I am more of a blessing to her
than what she is to me.

The doctors get their money.
They're very nice.

Some of them are kind,
but she's only another client to them,

and she's seen hundreds of them.

So there's plenty of them
who's had their share out of her.

Oh, they are wonderful people!

All the doctors and nurses are,
as everyone says,

but whatever they do,
they charge for it.

Now, our doctor's got a Rolls-Royce.

So Eastbourne can't be that healthy.
And I'm not complaining.

But nobody's ever offered me anything
for all what I do for her.

But then, I'm only a relation.

I'm someone to look after what
the National Health don't want to do.

I don't know what she's costing them,
but they seem to think she's worth it,

and I'm not being wicked when I say that
when she goes it won't be no hardship.

Oh, I love her, Mr Garnett, I do.
I love her.

But, uh, it won't do her any harm
when she goes.

Here, what's that noise upstairs?
You got burglars?

-Mrs Hollingbery.
-Mrs Hollingbery?

She lives upstairs.

Oh, her! Is she still here?

She lives here!

Oh, you are wicked!

Still, never mind, you enjoy yourself
while you can.

And don't mind me,
'cause I'm broad-minded.

And thanks for letting us stay.

You're not staying here!

No, no, of course not,
and you mustn't try and make us.

We've got to go home.

I know we're old friends,
but you mustn't let us put on you.

We'll just stay for tea,
and we'll see how we go from there.

Come along, Gwenneth.

Get yourself all dressed up again.

Yes, because Mr Garnett has invited us
to have tea here with him.

Oh!

Oh, she was thrilled when I told her
that we was coming to see you.

Say hello to Mr Garnett.

Hello!

And say thank you for asking us to stay.

To tea.

Thank you for asking us to stay to tea.

-Oh, hello.
-Hello.

Is he your son?

-He's a lovely boy.
-No.

Mr Garnett hasn't got a son.
He's got a daughter.

A daughter.

Oh, a daughter! She your daughter?

She's a lovely girl.

Has she been away? She's nice and brown.

Ah, I don't like people staying
with me, Arthur.

-I thought they was relations.
-No.

They'd like to be, yes.
She'd like to be, yeah.

I mean, I don't want to malign
the woman, you know.

Her husband was a mate of mine,
but we was always a cut above her.

Anyway, they ain't staying. I've packed
them off back to Eastbourne.

You're a hard man, Alf.
You don't help people.

I helped them. I helped them
look up the time of the trains.

And she thought you was the doctor?

-She's barmy, mate.
-Yeah, no, no.

-She thinks she's a medium.
-Yeah?

She reckons she gets messages
from the other side.

-No.
-Yeah.

Min told me that her husband,
Bert, that is...

Yeah.

...spoke to her the other night
through Gwenneth from the other side.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

But, I mean, old Bert is,
he's been dead for years, ain't he?

I mean, if he was going to take
the trouble to talk them

from the other side, he ain't going to
talk to bloody Minny, is he?

No, of course not.

No. Anyway...

Oh, Min told me that Bert told her

that I owe him £5.

-Eh?
-Bloody liar!

If I owe him £5, why doesn't he
come down and say it to me face,

instead of sitting up there
brooding about it?

Right, right.

-There you are.
-Oh, Christ.

Surprise, surprise!

-Who is it?
-Guess who.

If you guess wrong,
you'll have to pay a forfeit.

Ned should know who it is.

He always guesses me. Ha-ha!

-Who is it?
-No peeking!

He always makes out he doesn't know.

I'm counting. One, two, three...

Okay, I give in.

-You're getting it.
-I know, I...

Hey, ho!

You should have been quicker.

Oh, bloody hell, Alf.
Look what she's done.

Cor blimey, look...

who did you think it was?

Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

You're someone else.

Oh, dear, you must allow me
to apologise.

I mean, it's so easy

to mistake people nowadays, isn't it?

It's not your fault.

You know, you reminded me of someone.

A pal of my Harold's, workmate,

used to keep me company
when Harold was out.

-You're not him, are you?
-No, no.

-It's not him, is it, Min?
-No.

No, of course not.

Of course not. He was much fatter.

You know, fatter in the face,
longer in the nose,

but he was your cut,
he was your style exactly,

except he was a much bigger man.

Though you'd have never known it
to look at him.

I used to know him on sight, you know.

We always was larking about together.
Oh, only in fun.

He always made out he didn't know
who I was,

just in fun, you know.
It was our little game.

But he was quicker than you.

He used to lift me right up,
off my feet.

"Who are you? who are you?
I don't know who you are."

He used to say, "But I'm gonna
find out," he used to say.

I'm gonna have knowledge of you.

I can still feel his rough hands.

Rough but gentle, his hands was.

Laid to rest in a foreign field.

Well, they never shipped them home
in them days, not in that war.

Would have come too expensive,
I suppose.

I get this all the time,
all through television,

all through breakfast, dinner and tea.

She's no company, not if it's
a decent program me that you're watching.

She seems to be stuck in the war years.

We get her marriage some nights.

Now, I am not sexually unnatural,

so it's all been a revelation to me.

Well, you knew Bert, didn't you?
You knew him.

His appetites went no further
than his duties called for.

I tried. I took him to
the marriage guidance council.

I took him all round all the hospitals.

I had everything examined,
and they were thorough, too.

They poked him about
in all manner of places.

I tried everything, took him everywhere,

but in the end, I had to accept
that that was the way he was.

He seemed to prefer your company
to mine.

I often used to wonder, but of course,

that was in the days when
we didn't know what we know today.

That was before they opened the closet
and let them all out.

Shut up!

As I said, I have often wondered

and I see you've got that
little black boy living with you now.

Shut up!

-Why ain't you gone home?
-Well, we decided to stay the night.

-You what?
-Mr Garnett, no!

It's a bit late to be travelling
all that way back now.

Two women alone on a train,
you can't tell what might not happen.

Why didn't you catch an earlier train?

I couldn't get her there in time.

Of course you could.
I give you the time of the trains.

No, but I had to get her ready.

She takes a lot of preparing
before you can move her.

Shut up!

Shut up!

Else you'll get this beer in your face.

Who are these two, anyway?
Do you know them?

-Do you know them?
-Yes, this is...

Do you know them?
No, I don't suppose you do.

You'd talk to anyone, you would.

It's Mr Garnett!

Speak up. Speak up!

Look, there's no need to shout at me.
You're the one who's deaf, not me.

-I want my tea.
-You've had your tea.

She keeps forgetting her meals.
She forgets she's had them.

She'd eat all day
if I could afford to let her.

She's greedy.
I'm telling him, you're greedy!

Can I get you a drink? Alf?

Yeah, same again for me.
She nicked mine!

Just a port and lemon for me, please,

with a gin in it.

What about her? Want a drink?

Tidy your tie. It looks awful.

He'd be quite handsome
if he let himself.

There's not much that more
that needs doing, you know.

Never mind. Perhaps it'll get better.

Eh.

Who you staring at?

Who's she staring at?

You had your penn'orth!

Clear off!

-Tell her to clear off!
-Look, do you want a drink?

Not today, thank you.
We don't need anything.

-Look, uh, Mrs...
-Gwenneth.

-Gwenneth, can I get you anything?
-Eh?

Can I get you anything?

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Can I have a nice pot of tea
and some buttered toast?

Just be a bit of a laugh, that's all.

Oh, I don't know.
Dabbling with the unknown.

I mean, inviting spirits
into the house? No.

No, look, she can't do it, can she?
Just be a bit of a giggle, that's all.

Yeah, well, say she can.

And if she can, there's no knowing
who she might invite in.

Oh, it'd only be old Bert
and other people that we know.

I mean, them mediums, they only
bring down people that you ask for.

I mean, Arthur's coming and Marigold
and his sissy boyfriend.

You'll be safe enough.

I mean, we'll get a few drinks in,
you know,

make a little bit of a party of it.

Why are you inviting me?

Well, got to have a full table,
ain't you?

Eh? I mean, they won't come down,
the spirits, that is, you know.

Well, you can't expect them
to come down all this way

unless there's, like, a proper audience.
It's one of their rules, I suppose.

It has to be, like, parties of people,
you know.

It has to be seven, like in your dice.

-He knows, ask him.
-Me, I don't know nothing.

You have witch doctors.

(SCREECHING)

Ooh! My God!

Here, listen, I'm not having
any witch doctors round here.

No, there won't be no black magic.
Cor blimey!

Look, you went up to see that...
What's her name? Stokes.

-Doris.
-Doris! Doris Stokes.

Well, that was at London Palladium,
wasn't it?

Well, that's the sort of thing
we're going to be doing here.

Oh, no, no.

No, you let her fill the place with
all sorts of people from the other side,

and some of them may not want to leave.

I don't want to live in a haunted house.

No, well...

we'll get them exercised.

Exorcised.

That's what I said, smart-arse.

Anyway, look, she can't do it. It'll
just be a bit of a giggle, that's all.

We'll have a little bit of a party.

I mean, who do you think's going to take
all the trouble

to come all the way from the other side
just to talk to her?

Well, Doris Stokes had them
talking to her.

That was the London Palladium.
Of course they'll go there.

Everybody wants to get on there,
don't they?

They had Bing Crosby and Max Bygraves
and Danny Kaye.

They was all of them there.

But no one's gonna come down here
just to talk to her,

barmy bloody Gwenneth, are they?

Thank you.

-Here's for you.
-No, no, darling, it's all right.

No, you don't have to tip him.
He belongs to Mr Garnett.

Fell off the back of a lorry,
this, Arthur.

Lucky it didn't break.

Hey, hey, hey,
turn the light off in there.

It's only one small bulb.

It's still wasting electric, isn't it?
I'm saving up for a bath.

Huh! Well, I'll give you something
towards that.

Hmm, I'm sure we all would.

I've got an air freshener here.
I keep it for her.

They do help.

Put that bloody thing away!
I don't need no sodding air freshener!

-What's the matter with you?
-It's not for your benefit.

Look, when's she going to start?

We're all waiting for her
to go into her trance.

She has to empty her mind first.

That shouldn't take long, should it?

As soon as her mind is empty,
the spirits can enter.

Spirits are entering his mind.

What, they talk to her, do they?

They'd be mad to want to talk to her.

No, they talk through her.

If they was to talk to her, she wouldn't
hear them 'cause she's deaf, you see.

Well, who hears them?

-I do.
-Oh.

-Won't we hear them, then?
-Oh, you might do.

But then, if you don't,
I would be telling you what they say.

She had that hat for donkey's years.

Never put her teeth in.

She went...

She went everywhere in her slippers.

Boiled everything, even jumpers.

That's it, she's emptied her mind.

Sit round.

Put the light out.

Here, here, I don't want to sit
in the dark.

It's all right, I'm just shading them.

That's it. Now then,
hands on the table, fingers touching.

Yeah, we don't want any wandering hands.

Is there anyone there?

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Yes.

Only you'll have to speak up.
My battery's gone flat.

I thought you'd gone off.

I wish she would go.
I wish they'd both go.

We all thought you was
in your trance then.

Well, my glass is empty.

Oh, give her another drink.

It'll steady her, help her to relax.

I was hoping for something
a bit stronger.

Oh.

No! It never was!

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, you're wicked! You'll get me tiddly!

-Marigold!
-Ah!

Stop it! Stop!

Down the hatch.

(GIGGLING)

That's it, all join hands
and make a circle.

MRS HOLLINGBERY: Oh!

I felt something!

It was something clammy.

-Bwana?
-Shut up.

It felt like wings with...

with little claws!

Evil, evil, evil!

I can... I can feel evil!
I can feel evil!

Shh!

-I can feel evil! I can...
-Shh! Stop it!

Put that down.
The spirits must have quiet.

Hold hands.

Fingers together.

Don't break the circle.

(FARTING)

(SCREAMING)

-What's the matter?
-It's gone now. It was hideous!

There's something evil in this room.
Mrs Hollingbery's right.

It looked like something from the grave.

Smelt like something
from the grave, too.

Call your friends on the other side.
Ask them to point the spirit.

Whoever the glass stops before

contains the evil spirit.

We don't want any of your black magic.

It's not black magic. It's white magic.
I've seen it done.

Now then, try once more.

Ready?

Evil spirit, wherever you are, be gone!

We shall seek you out!

We seek him here, we seek him there...

GWENNETH: We seek him everywhere.

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh!

Oh, it's coming again!

Oh!

(MRS HOLLINGBERY SCREAMING)

(ALL SHRIEKING)

(WOMAN'S VOICE MOANING)

MAN: Help! Help!

This is Bert. Can you hear me?

It's me.

You do owe me £5.

I'm talking to Elsie up here,
and she remembers it.

It's in the book up here.

The recording angel's got it
all written down,

and it'll be held against you
on Judgement Day.

I'm... I'm sorry, but I'll pay. I...

I'll pay you... I'll pay you the five,
yeah, I'll give it...

God's displeased with you.

He says you're lazy.

No, no.

Yes, God says you've got
a young coloured boy living with you,

and you put on him.

-I'm sorry.
-Doing all the cleaning.

-What?
-Charging too much rent.

No, I'm... I'm sorry, I... I'LL ..

I'll do the cleaning.
I'll do the cleaning.

And... And I'll...

Let him live with you rent free.

Rent free?

Yeah, all right.

God's very upset with the way
you're treating Min and Gwenneth.

I'm sorry.

You've made them sleep
on the floor out there

while you've got
a nice, comfortable bed.

I'm sorry. I'm... Oh. Oh, God. Oh.

Min! Min, Gwenneth!

Min, Gwenneth! wake up! wake up!

Wake up! Uh, come...
Come into my bedroom!

Mr Garnett, you're being forward.

I want you to sleep in my bed.

You'll be more comfortable in my bed.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

-Hello.
-Hmm?

-Cooee. Here we are.
-Oh!

Gwenneth, look! Breakfast in bed!

Oh! Just like a hotel!
I like being here.

Help! Help!

This is Bert.

You've been very, very good, Alf.
Very, very good.

And God is pleased with you.

And he wants a word with you, Alf.

WINSTON: Mr Garnett,
this is God speaking.

How you doing, darling? You all right?

You little buggers!

I'll bloody kill you! When I get
my hands on the pair of you...

You little sods!

Come here! You little buggers...

(WHOOPING)

Come here!

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Then I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #