In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows

# In sickness and in health, I said I do

# For richer or poorer, till death us do part

# And you said
that you'd hon our and obey me, too

# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now after all these years,
at last I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health, I love you

# In sickness and in health, I said, I do #

See, if you just put your mind to it,
it's quite easy to work this thing, really.

You just turn the wheel, see?



This one, not that one.
You'd get dog's do's all over your hands.

Just turn... Well, watch, then!

- See, you just turn the wheels like that.
- Mind that table.

I'm just getting the hang of it, ain't I?
Just getting the feel of it.

Now, if you want to turn to the right,
right hand down.

And just...

- Mind that table.
- I'm just trying to show you how it works.

I know how it works.

Oh. There you are, then.

There, that's all you've got to do
and you're mobile.

It's all right, this, innit, eh?

It's not the end of the world, is it,
having to sit in one of these things?

It's a shame you don't like football. Get a good
seat in one of these, right on the touchline.

Nice, warm rug over your legs, shouting out
to the players, "Come on, you Irons!"



- Ssh.
- No, I'm glad you've got it.

I don't mind telling you,
it's a load off my mind,

knowing that when I go out, you ain't going
to have to be stuck in this room on your own.

Oh. What's going to happen then?

When you go out, and I ain't goin' to have
to be stuck in this room on my own?

You don't think I'm going to be able to wheel
myself about in that thing, do you?

- Why not?
- Why not?

Because I'm not going to sit in that thing,
trying to push those wheels round.

That's why not.
Because I'm not strong enough, for one thing.

And another thing, you said you'd push me.
You told everyone you'd push me.

- I ain't said I won't, have I?
- Well, get out, then, and let me get in.

I was only thinking of you, my dear. That's all.

I mean, make you more independent,
if you can get about on your own in that thing.

Gor, blimey! Huh!

I've seen people charging about
in them things.

I've seen 'em playing basketball.

ALI it needs is a little bit of effort, my dear.
That's all.

Gor, blimey, they got their own Olympics,
they have, your handicapped.

Winning gold medals, they are,
some of them.

Are you going to push me?

You won't try. That's your trouble,
you won't bloomin' try, will you?

If it was you who had to sit in this chair,
all crippled up,

it'd be a different tune you'd be playing then.

You wouldn't be talking about
playing basketball

or winning gold medals, would you?

Oh, no. You'd expect me to push you.

If you couldn't walk,
and had to sit crippled up in this chair.

Yeah, but it ain't me that's all crippled up
and got to sit in that chair.

It's you who's got to sit
in that chair, innit?

It's your legs have gone wonky, my dear,
not mine.

I'd like to think if it was me
that was in your condition,

that I would try and do something about it,

and not just sit there and give in to it.

It's no good looking at me
like that, my dear.

It's not my fault that the Good Lord
has seen fit to turn you into a cripple.

Be careful.

Bloody thing!

- I don't know what I've done to deserve this.
- What?

You! Stuck in this thing!

- ...punishment from above.
- I didn't say it was.

Well, you seemed to be implying it.

- Look, all I said was...
- It's rheumatoid arthritis.

Yeah, well, it's rheumatoid.

A lot of people my age get it.

Oh!

A punishment from above!

If it had been, it'd be you that would've got it.

Yeah, well, it ain't me. It's you what's got it.
You got that brake on again?

- No.
- Are you sure?

This thing's getting harder and harder
to push, it is.

You're going to have to lose some weight.
That's what you're going to have to do.

You'll get used to it.
Once you get the knack.

It only requires a bit of effort.

It is a punishment from above.
I'm beginning to believe that.

You were right, it's me.

It's me he's got his knife into. He's worked
it out. What is the hardest punishment?

Pushing this bloody thing or sitting in it?

All I meant was,

if the Almighty... if he has done this to you,

he probably ain't done it to you
cos he don't like you.

No, he's always doing this sort of things
to the ones he does like.

He's always been hard on his saints
down here on earth. It's a known fact.

He does it to try 'em, you see.
To put 'em to the test.

For something better
he's got up there for 'em.

And then, when he calls you,

he sits you by his side, upon his right hand,

as an example to all them others
who had it too easy down here.

I shouldn't think he'd make you
suffer too long.

No, he's not a hard man.

Once he sees you've had enough,
once he thinks you've done enough penance,

he'll call you unto him,
and then, boom boom! You'll be laughing.

I'm dancing on your grave.

Anyhow, my legs will outlast your liver.

(Car horn toots)

- Don't do that.
- It's the only way I can get them to stop.

# I'm singing in the rain

# Just singing in the rain... #

- You've got the brake on again!
- You go too fast.

Too fast? I can't go fast enough. I want to get
under cover, I'm getting bloody drenched.

I don't want an accident.

Yeah, and I don't want to catch my death,
neither.

Oh, dear, oh, Lord!

Look, will you leave that brake alone?

If you don't leave that brake alone,
I'll remove it.

I'll remove that bloody brake, I will!

Well, go steady. Take it easy.

Take it easy? You're not making it any easier,
putting that bloody brake on all the time.

And watch your language.
You're not at home now, you know.

You're in the street. People can hear you.

Look, if you don't like the way I'm pushing,
you can...

Take it easy.

I don't want you conking out on me.

You're not as young as you used to be,
you know.

I know that, my dear. I know that.

And I'm getting older by the minute,
pushing this bloody thing.

Well, put the brake off.

Bloody thing!

Why this had to happen to me!

(Sighs)

Oh, dear, oh, Lord.

(Cupboard door slams)

Ain't it fair, eh? Ain't it bloody fair?

Here she comes, Zola Budd.

Come on.

Ooh! Wish I had another hand.

Another hand? You ain't got enough wrong
with you, you want another hand to go wrong?

I told you, you shouldn't have to go
dragging out to to see that doctor.

He should come out to see you.
You're the one who can't walk.

You're the cripple, not him.

It's not our doctor I've got to see.
I keep telling you.

It's a consultant.
A specialist, up at the hospital.

He specialises in what I've got.

Oh, yeah? And what does our one
specialise in, eh?

Nothing, I suppose. Nothing we get, anyway.

I mean, you go and see him,
all he does is sling you over his shoulder.

Well, perhaps that's what he specialises in.

Yeah, he believes in that.
It's good for your spine, he says.

I had nothing wrong with my spine
when I went to see him. I had a cold.

I've got something wrong with my spine now,
though, ain't I?

I've got a pain in my spine now,
since I see him,

Well, it's good for your spine, what he does.

It straightens you out.
He does it to everyone.

I didn't want no straightening out.

I was all right the way I was. I just wanted
something for my cold, that's all.

Oh. Anyway, I wouldn't like to ask
the doctor to come round here.

I wouldn't like to ask anyone to come
round here, the state this place is in.

- I'd feel too ashamed.
- That's another thing.

You should have someone in to help.

You shouldn't have to go cooking and scrubbing
and cleaning, the condition you're in,

crippled up the way you are.

- You could do more.
- That's not the point. That's not the argument.

They, the council.
They should send someone round here.

It's their job to provide that, not mine.
I'm not a bloody social worker.

I mean, where's your welfare state, eh?
That's what I'm on about.

Where do they vanish to when you need 'em?

Oh, yeah, you pay in for it, don't you?
You have to.

See, I was against that from the beginning.
You know that.

I would've sooner gone private, but no.

No, you ain't got no bleed in" choice.
You have to pay into that.

"Ah!" They said,
"We've got a free health service.

"It's only going to cost you
X pounds per week."

What's X?

What's X? I'll tell you what bloody X is.

X-bloody-spensive. That's what X is.

That's what your free health service is.
X-bloody-spensive!

Oh, yeah! They're quick enough
when you're paying in for it, ain't they?

Quick enough grabbing the money off you.

But the minute it comes the time to give
some of it back, they're not so bloody quick.

I'll tell you,
if it was one of your City companies,

one of your private firms,
one of your insurance friendlies done that,

done a bunk with the money
what you've paid in,

they'd soon get their collar felt,
don't you worry about that!

Their bloody feet wouldn't touch the ground!
The bloody Fraud Squad would be on to them.

But just because it's the Government,
they can rob you blind, they can.

- Well, they give me this chair.
- Oh, yeah, they give you that chair.

They give you a bloody wheelchair.

They never give you no one to push it,
did they?

No. Let muggins push it!

Muggins!

I'll tell you, I'll need a bloody wheelchair soon,
pushing you around in that thing.

I'm not a bloody horse to be pulling a cart
at my time of life.

At my age, I should be having a rest,
not becoming a beast of burden.

Where's... Bloody hell!

Hey, hey! Where are you going with that?
I ain't had a mouthful of that yet.

- Oh.
- Stupid great pudding! Give us that here.

Look. Bloody car drivers!

No consideration.
they'll park in your front garden soon.

- There. Bloody hell.
- (Tyres screech)

(Horn toots)

(Persistent tooting)

Why don't you get on the pavement?

Cos there's no room on the pavement!

All the bloody cars
are parked on the pavement.

Just pull over.

No. I've got as much right on this road
as you have.

Then hurry up, will you?

There's no law that says
how fast I've got to go.

All the law says is how fast I can't go.

(Car horn toots)

You want to show a bit more consideration
for other road users, mate.

- You're not a road user.
- I'm using it. I'm using this road.

- I'm just in front of your car, using it.
- But you're not supposed to be using it.

- Who says?
- I'm a car driver.

Yeah, well, I'm a four-wheel vehicle, too.

I pay tax to be on these roads.
I've got a disc on my windscreen.

Yeah? And how do you know
I ain't got a tax on my windscreen?

What windscreen?
You're a bloody pedestrian.

I... Not necessarily. I might be a car driver
who happens to be out for a walk.

Listen, I've got a cripple in this wheelchair
that I'm pushing.

You've got somebody severely handicapped
pushing it.

Yeah? Don't bloody start with me, mate.

Look, can you be reasonable?

No, you be bloody reasonable.

Listen, you're not supposed to be
walking in the road, holding up traffic.

Who says? Who says I'm not supposed
to be walking in the road?

- Who says?
- It's dangerous.

It's a bloody sight more dangerous

to push the wheelchair on the pavement
with all the cars parked on it.

(Blows raspberry)

(Car horn toots)

Now what?

Right, then. Knock us down. Go on.

Knock us down and I'll have you, mate.

I'll take you to the bloody cleaners!

I'm a pedestrian. A law abiding pedestrian.

What is crossing a road
in my legally designated place.

According to my legal right of way.

Just hurry up!

- I've got a invalid in this chair, mate.
- Just cross it, for Pete's sake!

There's no law that says how fast
I have to cross this road, mate.

- I shall cross it in whatever time I want.
- Just cross the road!

And hurry up, for Pete's sake, mate!

I've changed my mind.

(Car engine revs)

- Take your hands off of that chair.
- Listen.

Take your hands off of this chair.

- Now, listen...
- You take your hand off that chair.

- I'm gonna put my hand on you in a minute!
- Do what? You and whose army, mate?

I'm not frightened of you.
I'm not frightened of you.

- I'll take you on. I'm not frightened of you.
- You're driving me potty! I'm potty now!

Oi!

Come back, you silly moo!

- Take their time here, don't they?
- Well, they're very busy.

- Busy? What, on another go-slow, are they?
- They are short-staffed.

Short-staffed?
We've got over four million unemployed.

Why don't they train some of them
to be doctors?

I don't want someone off the dole queue
examining me.

If it was up to me, that's where our doctor'd be,
on the bloody dole queue.

If it was up to me, that's where they'd all be,
on the dole queue.

- Oh, dear.
- You can't smoke here.

No smoking.

Worse than Nazi Germany here.
It's supposed to be a free country, innit?

It was till your Mrs Thatcher took over.

- Not my Mrs Thatcher. I never voted for her.
- You voted for the Tories.

So I might have, but I voted for the Tory men,
not for the Tory women.

It's a mistake putting a woman
in charge, innit?

A woman shouldn't be in Parliament
in the first place.

It's not a woman's job.
Your woman's place is...

- Where?
- ..In the home. In the home, my dear.

All right, they had one or two of them
in Parliament in the old days.

Just for a laugh, wasn't it? Just for a giggle.

And to hand out the tea and blankets
during the all-night sessions.

No one took them seriously.

See, your woman's role
is not to go messing about in politics.

Your woman's role
is to be wife and mother of your politician.

Mother of a prime minister.

Not to be it herself.

Wife and mother of man,
that's all we ask of them.

That should be important enough
for any woman.

They shouldn't have to go worrying
about how the country's run.

It's none of their business.

Be good at housekeeping. That's all
your economics your woman has to know.

But your man, he's got to go out and earn
the money before she can house keep it,

and that is your man's role,
to go out and earn the money for her.

Well, I haven't noticed you
doing much of that lately.

It won't be very long.

It's like your bleedin' Star Wars, innit?

Don't start that.

I'm going out for a smoke.

Smoke? Huh!

Any signs of life yet?

Hey?

He ain't gone off on his holidays, has he?
Your consultant?

- This is the right day, is it?
- Yes.

Don't they give you an appointment,
like a time to see him?

They tell you a time to be here.

But is that the same time he gets here?

I mean, he is here, is he?
Has turned up, has he?

- He has opened up shop, has he?
- I don't know.

Only, he might still be up in Harley Street
with all his rich patients.

Well, them Harley Street doctors,

they only come down here
to practise on the likes of us, my dear.

It's no good looking like that. It's the truth.

You've heard the expression,
"to practise medicine"?

You don't think them rich Harley Street patients
let them practise on them, do you? No.

This is where they do their practising,
down here, on us.

On your poor National Health Service patients.

Like us. This is where
they sharpen up their skills, my dear.

This is where they learn to use the knife.

(Imitates slashing)

On us. I mean, let me ask you a question.

Who... Who was your first
heart transplant patient, eh?

It wasn't one of your rich
Harley Street patients, was it? Oh, no.

It was a poor Jewish one, down in South Africa.

Migrant, just off the boat with hardly enough
lingo to know what they was doing to him.

And look what they done. Look what they done.

They bunged a black heart into him.
A black man's heart.

Bound to fail, innit?

Cos, you see, your Jew's other Jewish organs
rejected it, didn't they?

Because it wasn't what your Jews call kosher,
you see.

Anyway, even if he had lived,
even if he had survived,

what sort of life would that be,
out in South Africa with all your apartheid?

A white man walking around
with a black man's heart,

he wouldn't even know what toilet to use,
would he?

They've got a bit better at it since then.

They've had a lot of practice out there
in South Africa where your life is cheap.

But I'll tell you one thing. As soon as
they've made that operation foolproof,

you won't see no poor people
getting heart transplants then, my dear.

It'll be all your rich millionaires getting it then,
you mark my words.

Will you get me a cup of tea?

I suppose I'll have to queue up
for that, won't I?

Well, it won't hurt you, will it?
You're not doing anything else.

- All right, Sambo?
- Yeah.

Here, I was thinking.

Oh. Something new for you, isn't it?

- No, I was thinking...
- So you said.

In a hundred years or more from now...

it'll all be new people here.

Why? Do you think we'll have to wait that long?

In the world, I'm talking about,
you silly great pudding. In this world.

We'll all be gone. You've got a point though,
what you're saying about all this waiting.

We'll all be gone before that.

I'll be gone soon, if that consultant
don't pull his finger out.

No, see, I was thinking,

you know, like watching all them people,
all the sick and the lame, it made me think.

It doesn't matter what them doctors do to "em,
it don't matter how clever they become,

we've still all got to go, ain't we?

ALI that money spent
on keeping people alive, wasted.

Cos we've all still got to go. I mean,
even them, even the doctors their selves.

Cos in a hundred years or more,
none of us who's here now will be here then.

- We'll all be gone.
- Well, it would be stranger if we wasn't.

Don't matter how important you are, see,
how rich, how famous.

All be gone.

Margaret Thatcher.

Boy George.

Arthur Scargill.

Even your Terry Wogan.

Ah.

All gotta go. Makes you think, though, don't it?

Seems to have made you think.

See, I thought you knew that.

I thought you knew
that you'd have to go someday.

I mean, imagine a whole world
full of new people,

and no one that we know will be here.

There's not many here now that I know.

Well, look on the bright side.
All right, so you've lost the use of your legs.

Could be worse. You've still got your arms.
You ain't lost the use of them yet, have you?

And, and, my dear,
you've still got all your marbles.

Well...

No, I mean, you look at some old people,
cor blimey, you know, about your age,

they don't know where they are,
some of them don't even know who they are.

You want to cheer up.
Don't sit there, moping about.

I'll tell you, I win the pools, my dear,
I'll take you to Lourdes.

If you win the pools! Huh!

- Anyway, that's only for Catholics.
- Not if you've got the money, my dear.

Them Catholics ain't going to turn away
the business, are they?

Anyway, how'd you tell a Catholic, eh?

I mean, you could pass for Catholic, easy.

All you've got to do
is get some of them beads what they pray on,

go down that church of theirs,
learn the lingo, light a few candles.

Ace, queen, king, jack. Boom boom!

No, you could pass as Catholic as anyone.

No, I'll win the pools and get the money,
straight off to Lourdes for you.

No more hanging about these places.

Another thing, another thing
about your Lourdes, see?

We'd... We'd get a bit of a return
on our money.

You know, bring back all the duty frees.

Gawd, I've heard tales about your Lourdes.

Amazing. You know, people worse crippled up
than what you are. Worse than any of this lot.

They walk into that water, holy water,

and they come out and throw away
their crutches, leave their wheelchairs there.

Of course, we wouldn't leave our wheelchair
there. We'd bring the duty free back in that.

You know, it's a wonder to me they don't put
your Lourdes on your National Health.

No, of course, the doctors would be
against that. Stands to reason.

You put your Lourdes on your National Health,
they'd all be out of a job, wouldn't they?

I don't know why you've got
this terrible down on doctors.

I've got no down on 'em.
Some's all right, some's honest enough.

I just think it's bloody daft
to let doctors and nurses

build up a bloody good business
out of us being ill

It's daft to let them
make a handsome profit

out of cutting your legs off
or your insides out.

No one's cutting my legs off.

Of course they aren't. No one's going to cut
your legs off, my dear. You're too poor.

There's not enough profit
out of cutting your legs off.

- No, doctors are dedicated.
- Dedicated!

- Like vicars and priests.
- What're you talking about?

They do what they have to do because it's
good for us. They don't all think like you.

Doctors are the same as everybody else,
my dear.

They're in it for what they can get out of it.

I mean, you don't think an undertaker
cries when you die, do you?

Course he don't.
He's laughing, cos he's earning, ain't he?

You don't think an undertaker
digs a hole for the love of it,

and buries you for the love of it?

Well, some would dig holes
and bury you for the love of it.

Look, it...

You're soon on to the doctor
if there's anything wrong with you.

On to him? He's hardly ever there.

It'd be easier to get in to see royalty
than to see him.

Well, you can't expect to see him
at the drop of a hat.

You're supposed to make an appointment.

Don't be bloody daft.
How can I make an appointment?

I don't know when I'm going to be ill, do I?

Am I supposed to go down the fortune-teller,
find out when I'm going to be ill?

Oh, doc, can I have an appointment, please?
I think I'm going to have the flu on Tuesday.

You're always phoning him,
complaining that you're ill.

Look, the trouble with your doctors
is the Government paying them up front.

What the Government ought to do is only pay
them their money when his patient is sick.

And only then if he does his job properly
and gets him well.

And if he dies, nothing.
Don't give him nothing.

He'd soon come running then. Yeah.

He'd soon come running
when you ring him up.

Or better still,
what the Government ought to do, see,

is only pay your doctors
when his patient is fit and healthy.

And if he gets sick, stop it out of his wages.

He'd soon want to see you then. You
wouldn't have to bother making appointments.

He'd be round your house all day long.

"Good morning, Mr Garnett. Anything I can do
for you? Nothing I can do for you today?”

One sneeze, they'd soon find you
a hospital bed then, I tell you.

Well, I think the National Health Service
is a good thing.

- Good thing?
- I don't know where |I'd be now without it.

National Health a good thing?
What are you talking about?

- You can't even get to Lourdes on it.
- I don't know that I want to go to Lourdes.

- I don't believe in miracles any more.
- You please yourself.

Il tell you one thing. It'll be a bloody miracle
if any of this lot get to see a doctor today.

Bloody hours we've been here. Hours!

Come on, you Hammers!

Up the Irons!

# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows

# In sickness and in health, I said, I do

# For richer or poorer, till death us do part

# And you said
that you'd hon our and obey me, too.

# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now after all these years,
at last I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health I love you

# In sickness and in health, I said I do #