In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 2 - Men on Televison Part 2: What Happened to Blaine? - full transcript
[Man Announcing] NEW
THIS FALL ON FOX,
IT'S KUNG FU MASTER '91:
THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES.
GRASSHOPPER, WHEN YOU CAN
GRAB THIS PEBBLE FROM MY HAND,
IT WILL BE TIME
FOR YOU TO LEAVE.
SORRY, NOT THIS TIME.
OH, COME ON, ANCIENT MASTER.
IT'S BEEN ALMOST 20 YEARS.
I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA. WHY
DON'T WE JUST SAY I GRABBED IT?
WE DON'T HAVE TO TELL
ANYBODY. IT'D BE MY LITTLE SECRET.
I CANNOT DO THAT.
REMEMBER, AS IT IS WRITTEN:
"LIFE IS A MYSTERY.
"EVERYONE MUST STAND ALONE.
"I HEAR YOU CALL MY NAME,
"AND IT FEELS LIKE HOME...
JUST LIKE A PRAYER."
IN OTHER WORDS,
YOU DON'T GRADUATE
UNTIL YOU GRAB THIS PEBBLE.
ALL RIGHT. WOW, LOOK OVER THERE.
IT'S JULIA ROBERTS AND
JASON PATRIC! WHERE?
NICE TRY.
NOW LET AIKIDO HAVE
HIS TURN. GOOD LUCK.
ARE YOU STILL ON PEBBLE GRABBING?
DAMN. WATCH IT, COMPTON STYLE.
CONGRATULATIONS, AIKIDO!
YOU ARE NOW READY TO MOVE ON.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU
WANT? A HUNDRED? TWO
HUNDRED? LAKERS SEASON
TICKETS? FRONT ROW!
I'M SORRY, GRASSHOPPER. BUT AS
IT IS WRITTEN IN THE ANCIENT SCROLL,
"IT'S IT, AND THAT'S THAT."
OKAY. I DIDN'T WANT
IT TO COME TO THIS.
GIMME THE STONE!
RIGHT NOW!
WHOO! I GOT IT! UUH!
REMEMBER, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
LOVE AND MADNESS LIES OBSESSION.
YES! YES, MASTER!
I UNDERSTAND NOW. I'M READY!
[Groaning]
MASTER? MASTER?
OH, GOD! OH, MY GOD!
[Grunting]
- AAH!
- [Laughing]
YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR THAT ONE!
NOW, GRASSHOPPER, GO SERVE
THE OTHER STUDENTS THEIR LUNCH.
ALL RIGHT, ALREADY! [Laughing]
AAH! AAH!
OW, THAT'S HOT!
OHH!
[Announcer] JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR
MORE EXCITING ADVENTURES OF...
KUNG FU MASTER '91.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
AH, MINISTER FARRAKHAN, I'M CERTAINLY
LOOKING FORWARD TO THE GAME TODAY.
WELL, AL SHARPTON, THE REGULAR
MANAGER OF THE BASEBALL TEAM IS SICK TODAY,
AND THE OWNER
WANTS YOU TO FILL IN.
AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU BECOME
FAMILIAR WITH ALL THE PLAYERS' NAMES,
ESPECIALLY SINCE SOME OF
THEM ARE A LITTLE STRANGE.
OH, I'M DOWN. THAT'S RIGHT. I'M DOWN
IS SICK, SO YOU'LL BE TAKING HIS PLACE.
SAY WHAT? SAYWHAT'S
OVER IN RIGHT FIELD.
SO WHO'S ON FIRST?
NO, JEWS ON FIRST.
SAYS WHO? THE OWNER, WHITEY.
- WHITEY'S ON THE TEAM?
- THAT'S RIGHT,
WITH JEWS ON FIRST,
THEMAN IS ON SECOND, MR. CHARLIE AT
SHORTSTOP, AND IT'S ACONSPIRACY AT THIRD.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. WHO'S
AT SHORTSTOP? MR. CHARLIE.
BUT, NOW, ISN'T THAT A CONSPIRACY?
NO, ACONSPIRACY'S AT THIRD.
SO THEN, WHO'S AT
FIRST? NO, JEWS ON FIRST.
PREACH ON. PREACHON IS PITCHING.
SAY WHAT, MY BROTHER? SAYWHAT'S
RIGHT FIELD. MYBROTHER IS CATCHING.
SO, NOW, MYBROTHER'S CATCHING.
RIGHT ON. SO WHERE'S
ACONSPIRACY? PREACH ON.
NO, RIGHTON IS IN LEFT
FIELD, ACONSPIRACY IS
AT THIRD, AND MYBROTHER
IS CATCHING, PREACHON.
- PREACH ON?
- THAT'S RIGHT, PREACHON.
AMEN. IS PLAYING CENTER FIELD.
SAY WHAT? IN RIGHT FIELD.
SAYS WHO? WHITEY.
PREACH ON! PREACHON IS
PITCHING TO MYBROTHER.
SO, UH, JEWS ON FIRST?
I'M DOWN. I THOUGHT YOU
SAID HE WAS THE OLD MANAGER.
NO, I'M JUST SAYING, "I'M DOWN."
I'M DOWN, WHAT? IS AT FIRST?
- NO, JEWS ON FIRST.
- SO, JEWS ON FIRST,
THEMAN IS AT SECOND, MR. CHARLIE IS
THE SHORTSTOP, AND THEN IT'S ACONSPIRACY.
- AMEN, MY BROTHER.
- CENTER FIELD AND CATCHER.
SAY WHAT? AMEN AND RIGHTON. NOW,
THAT TAKES CARE OF THE OUTFIELD.
- RIGHTON AND AMEN.
- SO, WHERE IS THE CONSPIRACY?
BETWEEN MYBROTHER AND THEMAN.
ACCORDING TO WHO?
WHITEY AND JEWS.
SEE, THIS IS ALL THE WORK
OF WHITEY'S AND JEWS.
NOW, I UNDERSTAND
WHITEY, BUT WHY THE JEWS?
- BECAUSE JEWS IS ALSO CAPTAIN.
- OVER MYBROTHER?
RIGHT ON. AND AMEN AND
PREACH ON, MY BROTHER.
THIS IS MORE CONFUSING THAN
THE TAWANA BRAWLEY TRIAL.
JOHNNY? JOHNNY, IS THAT YOU?
OH, JOHNNY, IT'S BEEN SO LONG. I
THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER COME BACK.
- WHY, YOU'RE NOT JOHNNY!
- YEAH, I KNOW.
TELL YOUR STORY WALKING, PAL, OR I'LL HAVE
THE HOTEL DICK UP HERE SO QUICK, YOU'LL...
LOOK HERE, BABE, YOU BETTER CHILL, ALL
RIGHT? YOU BETTER CHILL, 'CAUSE I WILL...
I... BABY, I WILL
BRUSH YOU TO DEATH.
BABY? WHY, NO
SENTIMENTAL SAP ON EARTH...
WOULD CALL ME BABY, EXCEPT
ONE PERSON ALONE... JOHNNY.
HE SENT YOU, DIDN'T HE? OH, OF
COURSE. I SHOULD'VE REALIZED.
OH, WHAT DID HE SAY? TELL ME
EVERYTHING. I WANT TO HEAR EVERY WORD.
UH, HE SAID FOR YOU
NOT TO CALL THE POLICE...
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, AND
JUST FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED.
OH, NUTS. I COULD
NEVER FORGET JOHNNY.
WHY, I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE
WORLD WHO REALLY UNDERSTANDS HIM.
OH, TAKE ME TO HIM,
WON'T YOU? YOU'VE GOT TO.
OH, TELL ME EVERYTHING. TELL ME
WHAT HE SAID. TELL ME WHAT HE NEEDS!
WELL...
WELL, ACTUALLY, WHAT HE NEED
IS, JOHNNY NEEDS SOME MONEY.
MONEY? WHY, IS
THAT ALL? THE BIG LUG.
NO, NOT JUST MONEY. HE
NEED, UH, CREDIT CARDS, VCRs,
UH, CAMCORDERS, AND HE
BEEN CRAVIN' FOR THIS ROLEX.
WELL, I SUPPOSE I DO HAVE A FEW BAUBLES,
A FEW TRINKETS, A FEW SHINY SOUVENIRS.
THEY MAY SEEM
MEANINGLESS TO YOU,
BUT THEY'VE BROUGHT A HANDFUL
OF HAPPINESS TO THIS LONELY HEART.
HEY, HOLD IT. THIS AIN'T
ONE OF THEM TOTALLY
HIDDEN VIDEO THINGS
LIKE THAT, IS IT?
OH, JOHNNY. I REMEMBER THE DAY
HE LEFT AS THOUGH IT WAS YESTERDAY.
HE STOOD RIGHT AT THAT
DOOR, AND SAID TO ME, "VELMA,
I'M GOING OUT FOR A DOZEN ROSES, A
PACK OF CIGARETTES AND A QUART OF GIN."
THEN HE SLIPPED ME FIVE BUCKS AND
TOLD ME TO BUY MYSELF SOMETHING PRETTY.
I'VE BEEN WAITING
HERE EVER SINCE.
YOU DON'T HAVE THAT FIVE
DOLLARS WITH YOU, DO YOU?
OH, TAKE IT. TAKE IT ALL.
DON'T YOU SEE? NOTHING MEANS
ANYTHING TO ME BUT JOHNNY.
OH, I MISS HIM SO!
[Sobbing] OH, JOHNNY!
[Mock Sobbing] OH, JOHNNY! OH!
OH, JOHNNY!
I'M OPRAH, GIRL. LET IT
OUT, GIRL. CALLER, YOU SAY...
OH, JOHNNY! OH! [Blubbering]
AH, JOHNNY!
JOHNNY!
YOU WILL TAKE ME TO HIM,
WON'T YOU? YOU'VE GOT TO.
I SIMPLY WON'T TAKE
"NO" FOR AN ANSWER.
I'LL JUST GET MY WRAP AND BE
BACK IN TWO SHAKES OF A LAMB'S TAIL.
HEY, LISTEN. HOLD ON, SWEETIE. LOOK,
LOOK. I'M GONNA RUN AND GET SOME ROSES,
AND SOME CIGARETTES AND A QUART OF GIN,
AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK FOR YOU, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, KID.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SPELL IT OUT FOR ME.
I WASN'T BORN
YESTERDAY, YOU KNOW.
HEY. HERE'S FIVE DOLLARS.
GO GET YOU SOMETHING PRETTY.
THAT'S RIGHT, KID.
GO ON WITHOUT ME.
IT'S BETTER THAT WAY.
I'LL ONLY SLOW YOU DOWN.
BUT GIVE A MESSAGE
TO JOHNNY FOR ME.
TELL HIM I LOVE HIM. TELL
HIM I'LL WAIT RIGHT HERE.
I'D WAIT A THOUSAND YEARS.
OH, JOHNNY.
I'D WAIT FOREVER FOR YOU.
NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT:
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
CALLED THE GIBBERISH KILLER...
WHO LEAVES NONSENSICAL
NOTES ON HIS VICTIM'S BODIES.
THAT'S CORRECT, WHICH IS WHY I NEED
TO SPEAK TO THE DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY.
HE COULD GIVE ME A PSYCHOLOGICAL
PROFILE OF THIS NUT SO WE CAN CATCH HIM...
BEFORE HE MURDERS AGAIN.
[Laughs] OH, MY DARLING MS. STARLING.
LET ME FIRST SAY THIS
MAN IS VERY DANGEROUS.
IF YOU'RE NOT
CAREFUL, HE COULD...
PSYCHOLOGICALLY DESTROY YOU.
[Laughs]
MY FOUR YEARS AT THE ACADEMY
WEREN'T EXACTLY A CHARM SCHOOL, DOCTOR.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE
HIM. WELL, HERE WE ARE.
MS. STARLING, MEET OSWALD BATES.
I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE
TO GET BETTER ACQUAINTED.
MR. BATES, MY NAME IS SPECIAL
AGENT CLARICE STARLING.
I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A
FEW QUESTIONS, SIR.
I SAID, I NEED YOUR
HELP, MR. BATES.
[Sniffs]
I CAN SPECIFY YOUR
KUNTA KINTE FROM HERE.
IF YOU'RE REFERRING TO MY
COLOGNE, SIR, IT'S CALLED "OBSESSION"...
SOMETHING I'M SURE
YOU'RE NOT UNFAMILIAR WITH.
AH, DOUCHÉ! OR SHOULD
I SAY SUMMER'S EVE?
YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL GAMES WON'T
WORK WITH ME, DOCTOR. I'M IMMUNE.
OVULATE!
GREAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS AND
SEE IF YOU CAN MAKE ANYTHING OUT OF IT.
[Sniffs]
"I WILL PEPTO BISMOLIZE...
"AND BETTY CROCKALIZE...
"ANY SPERMEATION OF
MY SMEGMATIC TAXICAB,
EXCUSE ME, MAXI PAD."
THE MAN IS SICK.
I REALIZE THAT, SIR.
THAT'S WHY I NEED YOUR HELP.
WHERE IS HE GOING TO STRIKE NEXT?
FIRST "PROCTOLOGIZE" YOURSELF...
IN HIS "RICO
SUAVEMATIC" GYRATIONS.
OKAY. OKAY, YEAH,
SO... NO, I'M SORRY,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE ME MORE THAN THAT.
KLEENEX! YOU'RE
NOT CONSTIPATING!
"IMOGENE COCALIZE" THE
SLAUGHTER OF THE LAMBADA!
OF COURSE! ALBUQUERQUE!
THAT WOULD BE IN LINE WITH HIS
FASCINATION FOR POLYSYLLABIC NON SEQUITURS.
EX-LAX-CIDY!
AND NOW, YOU MUST SPEW...
YOUR LIQUIDS FOR ME!
LET ME PUT IT TO YOU
THIS WAY, DOCTOR.
THE "TESTICUALITY" OF
THE ATMOSPHERE, UH...
EXCUSE ME... PAP SMEAR...
IS NOT "JUICIFIED" TO THE, UH...
OH, WHAT'S THE WORD? UH...
- "DEFLECATION."
- YES, "DEFLECATION"
OF YOUR CIRCUMCISION.
THAT... THAT'S ALL I CAN DO.
OH! OH! OH!
I CAN SMELL YOUR FEET!
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
YEAH. YEAH. COME ON.
♪ HELLO, HELLO THE ILL
BOTHER WITH THE ILL FLOW ♪
♪ IT'S MUSIC TIME FOR
THE RHYME DYNAMO ♪
♪ IT'S SUBLIME WHEN I HIT YOU
WITH THE RITUAL LYRICAL BLAST ♪
♪ FROM THE ROUGH INDIVIDUAL
MOVE WITH THE CROWD ♪
♪ ALWAYS A MUST WHEN I BUST
THE MIC GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR ♪
♪ PEOPLE, DO WHAT YOU LIKE SO,
PARTY PEOPLE IN THE PLACE TO BE ♪
♪ YOU START POURIN' MONEY
ROCKIN' THE M-I-C, COME ON ♪
♪ YEAH COME ON ♪
♪ UH, IT'S LIKE THAT
IT'S LIKE THAT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ YEAH ♪♪
[Announcer] PREVIOUSLY
ON IN LIVING COLOR.
OH! OH! OH, MY LORD!
BLAYNE! [Crying] BLAYNE!
BLAYNE! BLAYNE!
CALL A DOCTOR. I THINK HE NEEDS
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.
HEY, HEY, HEY, MAN, HEY!
WHAT YOU DOIN', MAN?
BLAYNE? BLAYNE, ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?
WHAT'S THESE FUNNY CLOTHES ABOUT, MAN?
LET'S FINISH THE SHOW. FINISH
THE SHOW. OKAY. [Clears Throat]
FINALLY, WE COME TO THAT
SLY FOX OF A NETWORK...
AND THEIR SHOW
MARRIED WITH CHILDREN.
LOVED IT. HATED IT.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, "HATED IT"?
MAN, THAT GIRL IS FINE. THE BLONDE ONE?
WITH THE... THE BLONDE? LOOK
LIKE SHE HIDIN' TWO MIDGETS, MAN.
BLONDE? MIDGET?
OHH!
[Announcer] CABLE ACCESS
CHANNEL 96 PRESENTS MEN ON FILM.
HELLO, I'M BLAYNE EDWARDS.
AND I'M ANTOINE MERRYWETHER.
[Together] AND WELCOME
TO MEN ON FILM.
THE SHOW THAT LOOKS AT MOVIES
FROM A GUY'S POINT OF VIEW.
UH, YOU MEAN, FROM
A MALE POINT OF VIEW.
YEAH, MALE'S OR GUY'S...
GUY'S POINT OF VIEW.
HUH. HEH! WE HAVE A
NEW SPONSOR. GAYTORADE.
IT'S FOR THAT
DEEP-DOWN BODY THIRST.
NOW PACKED TO THE BRIM
WITH NATURAL PROTEIN. MM!
TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA LOOK
AT SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS.
OUR FIRST FILM UP
IS CITY SLICKERS.
OH, THIS IS A FILM
ABOUT LI'L BILLY CRYSTAL,
WHO FINDS THE REAL
MAN INSIDE OF HIM...
BY GOING WEST AND PUTTING ON
SOME OF THOSE LEATHER CHAPS...
AND JOINING IN A CATTLE DRIVE.
I LOVED THIS FILM, ALL THAT
DUST AND PERSPIRATION.
I GOT SADDLE SORE JUST
WATCHING IT. YOU WANT TO SEE?
NO. UM... [Chuckles] I DIDN'T
REALLY PAY MUCH ATTENTION,
'CAUSE ONCE THEY STARTED WITH THE
COWS AND STUFF, I JUST GOT INTO MY GIRL.
I HAD THIS YOUNG LADY WITH ME. WE'S, LIKE,
MACKIN' IT OUT AND STUFF, MAN. [Laughs]
EVERYBODY GOT WHAT THEY WANTED. BILLY EVEN
GOT TO TAKE HOME THAT LITTLE CALF, NORMAN.
YEAH, I BET THEY HAD
VEAL CHOPS THAT NIGHT.
[Laughing] VEAL... THEY
KILLED... THE BURGER...
OH, JUST HUSH. I COULD JUST
SPANK YOU WITH A CAT-O'-NINE-TAILS.
OH, LOOK! THERE
GOES CHARO. WHERE?
KEEP LOOKING. WHERE?
KEEP LOOKING. WHERE?
HELLO IN THERE!
I'M SORRY. DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT THERE WAS A
STINK BUG ON YOUR HEAD.
I'M WARNING YOU, TONY.
DON'T DO THAT AGAIN, MAN.
THE NEXT FILM UP IS KEVIN
COSTNER'S ACTION-ADVENTURE FLICK,
ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES.
I FELT THIS FILM
WENT OFF THE TRACK...
WHEN CUTE LITTLE
KEVIN COSTNER...
WENT TO SAVE THAT
SCREWBALL MAID MARIAN.
UCK! THE REAL STORY
WAS IN THE DANK, DARK,
MOIST, MOSS-STREWN THICKETS...
OF SHERWOOD FOREST.
DID THESE MERRY MEN SLEEP
TOGETHER? PLAY TOGETHER?
BATHE TOGETHER? DRY THEIR
THROBBING MUSCLES OFF TOGETHER?
ENQUIRING MINDS
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.
AND A TIP TO THE PRODUCERS:
WHEN YOU RELEASE THE VIDEO,
LET US SEE SOME MORE OF LITTLE
KEVIN'S FLAMING ARROW, POR FAVOR.
YOU WOULDN'T
HAPPEN TO BE... NAH!
GO AHEAD, SAY IT. [Laughs]
I DARE YOU. YOU'RE
WRONG. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE WRONG?
I THINK MAID MARIAN WAS FINE, AND...
TONY, DON'T GET MAD, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU... AAH! OWW!
I'M SORRY. OH!
THANK YOU.
NEXT UP, TRUTH OR DARE.
OH, MADONNA'S TOUR DOCUMENTARY.
MY COIF FOR VOUS, MADONNA.
I LOVED THIS ONE.
I COULD'VE SPENT ALL NIGHT WATCHING
THOSE FABULOUSLY INTERESTING DANCERS.
WHETHER TO POINT YOUR TOE,
DON'T POINT YOUR TOE, WHO KNOWS?
I HAVEN'T HAD THAT MUCH FUN
SINCE THE OPENING... [Snorting]
OF PARIS IS BURNING.
AND THAT LITTLE OLIVER. YOU KNOW,
THE NEGROID WITH THE BLOND HAIR?
OH. HE WAS RIVETING.
HE WAS RIVETING.
BUT THERE'S ONE
THING... EXCUSE ME?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CUT FREE,
OLIVER, AND ADMIT WHO YOU ARE?
OLIVER, I DARE YOU!
TELL THE TRUTH. ¿ES VERDAD?
WHAT'S "¿ES VERDAD?" IT'S
SPANISH FOR "ISN'T IT THE TRUTH?"
YOU KNOW, I'M BI...
LINGUAL. UH-HUH.
WELL, I DIDN'T LOOK
AT OLIVER MUCH,
BUT I THINK MADONNA
IS PRETTY HOT.
AND, UM, I DON'T KNOW.
I COULD FORGET TRUTH
OR DARE. I WANNA SEE
HER PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE.
YOU SEE THE WAY SHE WRAPPED
HER LIPS AROUND THAT BOTTLE, MAN?
YO, SHE CAN POP
MY BOTTLE ANYTIME.
HELLO IN THERE.
THAT'S IT, MAN. I'M
GONNA BUST YOUR ASS. OH!
WAIT A MINUTE. I THOUGHT THERE
WAS A DADDY LONGLEGS ON YOUR HEAD.
'SCUZE ME. [Chuckles]
THAT'S IT, MAN. YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
COME ON. GO FOR IT. GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
COME ON. UUH! [Gasps]
[Crying]
BLAYNE? TONY!
BLAYNE!
[Joyful Yelps]
I'M FREE! I'M FREE! HE'S BACK!
COME ON! YOU REMEMBER THE CREW!
HE'S BACK! OH!
HI, ERIC AND TROY!
JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE'LL
BE REVIEWING TERMINATOR 2,
STARRING MUSCLE-BOUND
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
IF THIS MAN IS THE MAN OF THE
FUTURE, WRAP ME UP, FREEZE ME,
AND PACK ME IN LIQUID STEEL.
WE'RE CELEBRATING BLAYNE'S RETURN
WITH A NEW AND IMPROVED T2 SNAP.
♪ IT'S RAINING MEN HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ IT'S RAINING MEN AMEN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GO OUT TO
RUN AND LET MYSELF GET ♪
♪ ABSOLUTELY SOAKING ♪♪
YO, WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK.
PEACE!
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
THIS FALL ON FOX,
IT'S KUNG FU MASTER '91:
THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES.
GRASSHOPPER, WHEN YOU CAN
GRAB THIS PEBBLE FROM MY HAND,
IT WILL BE TIME
FOR YOU TO LEAVE.
SORRY, NOT THIS TIME.
OH, COME ON, ANCIENT MASTER.
IT'S BEEN ALMOST 20 YEARS.
I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA. WHY
DON'T WE JUST SAY I GRABBED IT?
WE DON'T HAVE TO TELL
ANYBODY. IT'D BE MY LITTLE SECRET.
I CANNOT DO THAT.
REMEMBER, AS IT IS WRITTEN:
"LIFE IS A MYSTERY.
"EVERYONE MUST STAND ALONE.
"I HEAR YOU CALL MY NAME,
"AND IT FEELS LIKE HOME...
JUST LIKE A PRAYER."
IN OTHER WORDS,
YOU DON'T GRADUATE
UNTIL YOU GRAB THIS PEBBLE.
ALL RIGHT. WOW, LOOK OVER THERE.
IT'S JULIA ROBERTS AND
JASON PATRIC! WHERE?
NICE TRY.
NOW LET AIKIDO HAVE
HIS TURN. GOOD LUCK.
ARE YOU STILL ON PEBBLE GRABBING?
DAMN. WATCH IT, COMPTON STYLE.
CONGRATULATIONS, AIKIDO!
YOU ARE NOW READY TO MOVE ON.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU
WANT? A HUNDRED? TWO
HUNDRED? LAKERS SEASON
TICKETS? FRONT ROW!
I'M SORRY, GRASSHOPPER. BUT AS
IT IS WRITTEN IN THE ANCIENT SCROLL,
"IT'S IT, AND THAT'S THAT."
OKAY. I DIDN'T WANT
IT TO COME TO THIS.
GIMME THE STONE!
RIGHT NOW!
WHOO! I GOT IT! UUH!
REMEMBER, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
LOVE AND MADNESS LIES OBSESSION.
YES! YES, MASTER!
I UNDERSTAND NOW. I'M READY!
[Groaning]
MASTER? MASTER?
OH, GOD! OH, MY GOD!
[Grunting]
- AAH!
- [Laughing]
YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR THAT ONE!
NOW, GRASSHOPPER, GO SERVE
THE OTHER STUDENTS THEIR LUNCH.
ALL RIGHT, ALREADY! [Laughing]
AAH! AAH!
OW, THAT'S HOT!
OHH!
[Announcer] JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR
MORE EXCITING ADVENTURES OF...
KUNG FU MASTER '91.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
AH, MINISTER FARRAKHAN, I'M CERTAINLY
LOOKING FORWARD TO THE GAME TODAY.
WELL, AL SHARPTON, THE REGULAR
MANAGER OF THE BASEBALL TEAM IS SICK TODAY,
AND THE OWNER
WANTS YOU TO FILL IN.
AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU BECOME
FAMILIAR WITH ALL THE PLAYERS' NAMES,
ESPECIALLY SINCE SOME OF
THEM ARE A LITTLE STRANGE.
OH, I'M DOWN. THAT'S RIGHT. I'M DOWN
IS SICK, SO YOU'LL BE TAKING HIS PLACE.
SAY WHAT? SAYWHAT'S
OVER IN RIGHT FIELD.
SO WHO'S ON FIRST?
NO, JEWS ON FIRST.
SAYS WHO? THE OWNER, WHITEY.
- WHITEY'S ON THE TEAM?
- THAT'S RIGHT,
WITH JEWS ON FIRST,
THEMAN IS ON SECOND, MR. CHARLIE AT
SHORTSTOP, AND IT'S ACONSPIRACY AT THIRD.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. WHO'S
AT SHORTSTOP? MR. CHARLIE.
BUT, NOW, ISN'T THAT A CONSPIRACY?
NO, ACONSPIRACY'S AT THIRD.
SO THEN, WHO'S AT
FIRST? NO, JEWS ON FIRST.
PREACH ON. PREACHON IS PITCHING.
SAY WHAT, MY BROTHER? SAYWHAT'S
RIGHT FIELD. MYBROTHER IS CATCHING.
SO, NOW, MYBROTHER'S CATCHING.
RIGHT ON. SO WHERE'S
ACONSPIRACY? PREACH ON.
NO, RIGHTON IS IN LEFT
FIELD, ACONSPIRACY IS
AT THIRD, AND MYBROTHER
IS CATCHING, PREACHON.
- PREACH ON?
- THAT'S RIGHT, PREACHON.
AMEN. IS PLAYING CENTER FIELD.
SAY WHAT? IN RIGHT FIELD.
SAYS WHO? WHITEY.
PREACH ON! PREACHON IS
PITCHING TO MYBROTHER.
SO, UH, JEWS ON FIRST?
I'M DOWN. I THOUGHT YOU
SAID HE WAS THE OLD MANAGER.
NO, I'M JUST SAYING, "I'M DOWN."
I'M DOWN, WHAT? IS AT FIRST?
- NO, JEWS ON FIRST.
- SO, JEWS ON FIRST,
THEMAN IS AT SECOND, MR. CHARLIE IS
THE SHORTSTOP, AND THEN IT'S ACONSPIRACY.
- AMEN, MY BROTHER.
- CENTER FIELD AND CATCHER.
SAY WHAT? AMEN AND RIGHTON. NOW,
THAT TAKES CARE OF THE OUTFIELD.
- RIGHTON AND AMEN.
- SO, WHERE IS THE CONSPIRACY?
BETWEEN MYBROTHER AND THEMAN.
ACCORDING TO WHO?
WHITEY AND JEWS.
SEE, THIS IS ALL THE WORK
OF WHITEY'S AND JEWS.
NOW, I UNDERSTAND
WHITEY, BUT WHY THE JEWS?
- BECAUSE JEWS IS ALSO CAPTAIN.
- OVER MYBROTHER?
RIGHT ON. AND AMEN AND
PREACH ON, MY BROTHER.
THIS IS MORE CONFUSING THAN
THE TAWANA BRAWLEY TRIAL.
JOHNNY? JOHNNY, IS THAT YOU?
OH, JOHNNY, IT'S BEEN SO LONG. I
THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER COME BACK.
- WHY, YOU'RE NOT JOHNNY!
- YEAH, I KNOW.
TELL YOUR STORY WALKING, PAL, OR I'LL HAVE
THE HOTEL DICK UP HERE SO QUICK, YOU'LL...
LOOK HERE, BABE, YOU BETTER CHILL, ALL
RIGHT? YOU BETTER CHILL, 'CAUSE I WILL...
I... BABY, I WILL
BRUSH YOU TO DEATH.
BABY? WHY, NO
SENTIMENTAL SAP ON EARTH...
WOULD CALL ME BABY, EXCEPT
ONE PERSON ALONE... JOHNNY.
HE SENT YOU, DIDN'T HE? OH, OF
COURSE. I SHOULD'VE REALIZED.
OH, WHAT DID HE SAY? TELL ME
EVERYTHING. I WANT TO HEAR EVERY WORD.
UH, HE SAID FOR YOU
NOT TO CALL THE POLICE...
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, AND
JUST FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED.
OH, NUTS. I COULD
NEVER FORGET JOHNNY.
WHY, I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE
WORLD WHO REALLY UNDERSTANDS HIM.
OH, TAKE ME TO HIM,
WON'T YOU? YOU'VE GOT TO.
OH, TELL ME EVERYTHING. TELL ME
WHAT HE SAID. TELL ME WHAT HE NEEDS!
WELL...
WELL, ACTUALLY, WHAT HE NEED
IS, JOHNNY NEEDS SOME MONEY.
MONEY? WHY, IS
THAT ALL? THE BIG LUG.
NO, NOT JUST MONEY. HE
NEED, UH, CREDIT CARDS, VCRs,
UH, CAMCORDERS, AND HE
BEEN CRAVIN' FOR THIS ROLEX.
WELL, I SUPPOSE I DO HAVE A FEW BAUBLES,
A FEW TRINKETS, A FEW SHINY SOUVENIRS.
THEY MAY SEEM
MEANINGLESS TO YOU,
BUT THEY'VE BROUGHT A HANDFUL
OF HAPPINESS TO THIS LONELY HEART.
HEY, HOLD IT. THIS AIN'T
ONE OF THEM TOTALLY
HIDDEN VIDEO THINGS
LIKE THAT, IS IT?
OH, JOHNNY. I REMEMBER THE DAY
HE LEFT AS THOUGH IT WAS YESTERDAY.
HE STOOD RIGHT AT THAT
DOOR, AND SAID TO ME, "VELMA,
I'M GOING OUT FOR A DOZEN ROSES, A
PACK OF CIGARETTES AND A QUART OF GIN."
THEN HE SLIPPED ME FIVE BUCKS AND
TOLD ME TO BUY MYSELF SOMETHING PRETTY.
I'VE BEEN WAITING
HERE EVER SINCE.
YOU DON'T HAVE THAT FIVE
DOLLARS WITH YOU, DO YOU?
OH, TAKE IT. TAKE IT ALL.
DON'T YOU SEE? NOTHING MEANS
ANYTHING TO ME BUT JOHNNY.
OH, I MISS HIM SO!
[Sobbing] OH, JOHNNY!
[Mock Sobbing] OH, JOHNNY! OH!
OH, JOHNNY!
I'M OPRAH, GIRL. LET IT
OUT, GIRL. CALLER, YOU SAY...
OH, JOHNNY! OH! [Blubbering]
AH, JOHNNY!
JOHNNY!
YOU WILL TAKE ME TO HIM,
WON'T YOU? YOU'VE GOT TO.
I SIMPLY WON'T TAKE
"NO" FOR AN ANSWER.
I'LL JUST GET MY WRAP AND BE
BACK IN TWO SHAKES OF A LAMB'S TAIL.
HEY, LISTEN. HOLD ON, SWEETIE. LOOK,
LOOK. I'M GONNA RUN AND GET SOME ROSES,
AND SOME CIGARETTES AND A QUART OF GIN,
AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK FOR YOU, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, KID.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SPELL IT OUT FOR ME.
I WASN'T BORN
YESTERDAY, YOU KNOW.
HEY. HERE'S FIVE DOLLARS.
GO GET YOU SOMETHING PRETTY.
THAT'S RIGHT, KID.
GO ON WITHOUT ME.
IT'S BETTER THAT WAY.
I'LL ONLY SLOW YOU DOWN.
BUT GIVE A MESSAGE
TO JOHNNY FOR ME.
TELL HIM I LOVE HIM. TELL
HIM I'LL WAIT RIGHT HERE.
I'D WAIT A THOUSAND YEARS.
OH, JOHNNY.
I'D WAIT FOREVER FOR YOU.
NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT:
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
CALLED THE GIBBERISH KILLER...
WHO LEAVES NONSENSICAL
NOTES ON HIS VICTIM'S BODIES.
THAT'S CORRECT, WHICH IS WHY I NEED
TO SPEAK TO THE DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY.
HE COULD GIVE ME A PSYCHOLOGICAL
PROFILE OF THIS NUT SO WE CAN CATCH HIM...
BEFORE HE MURDERS AGAIN.
[Laughs] OH, MY DARLING MS. STARLING.
LET ME FIRST SAY THIS
MAN IS VERY DANGEROUS.
IF YOU'RE NOT
CAREFUL, HE COULD...
PSYCHOLOGICALLY DESTROY YOU.
[Laughs]
MY FOUR YEARS AT THE ACADEMY
WEREN'T EXACTLY A CHARM SCHOOL, DOCTOR.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE
HIM. WELL, HERE WE ARE.
MS. STARLING, MEET OSWALD BATES.
I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE
TO GET BETTER ACQUAINTED.
MR. BATES, MY NAME IS SPECIAL
AGENT CLARICE STARLING.
I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A
FEW QUESTIONS, SIR.
I SAID, I NEED YOUR
HELP, MR. BATES.
[Sniffs]
I CAN SPECIFY YOUR
KUNTA KINTE FROM HERE.
IF YOU'RE REFERRING TO MY
COLOGNE, SIR, IT'S CALLED "OBSESSION"...
SOMETHING I'M SURE
YOU'RE NOT UNFAMILIAR WITH.
AH, DOUCHÉ! OR SHOULD
I SAY SUMMER'S EVE?
YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL GAMES WON'T
WORK WITH ME, DOCTOR. I'M IMMUNE.
OVULATE!
GREAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS AND
SEE IF YOU CAN MAKE ANYTHING OUT OF IT.
[Sniffs]
"I WILL PEPTO BISMOLIZE...
"AND BETTY CROCKALIZE...
"ANY SPERMEATION OF
MY SMEGMATIC TAXICAB,
EXCUSE ME, MAXI PAD."
THE MAN IS SICK.
I REALIZE THAT, SIR.
THAT'S WHY I NEED YOUR HELP.
WHERE IS HE GOING TO STRIKE NEXT?
FIRST "PROCTOLOGIZE" YOURSELF...
IN HIS "RICO
SUAVEMATIC" GYRATIONS.
OKAY. OKAY, YEAH,
SO... NO, I'M SORRY,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE ME MORE THAN THAT.
KLEENEX! YOU'RE
NOT CONSTIPATING!
"IMOGENE COCALIZE" THE
SLAUGHTER OF THE LAMBADA!
OF COURSE! ALBUQUERQUE!
THAT WOULD BE IN LINE WITH HIS
FASCINATION FOR POLYSYLLABIC NON SEQUITURS.
EX-LAX-CIDY!
AND NOW, YOU MUST SPEW...
YOUR LIQUIDS FOR ME!
LET ME PUT IT TO YOU
THIS WAY, DOCTOR.
THE "TESTICUALITY" OF
THE ATMOSPHERE, UH...
EXCUSE ME... PAP SMEAR...
IS NOT "JUICIFIED" TO THE, UH...
OH, WHAT'S THE WORD? UH...
- "DEFLECATION."
- YES, "DEFLECATION"
OF YOUR CIRCUMCISION.
THAT... THAT'S ALL I CAN DO.
OH! OH! OH!
I CAN SMELL YOUR FEET!
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
YEAH. YEAH. COME ON.
♪ HELLO, HELLO THE ILL
BOTHER WITH THE ILL FLOW ♪
♪ IT'S MUSIC TIME FOR
THE RHYME DYNAMO ♪
♪ IT'S SUBLIME WHEN I HIT YOU
WITH THE RITUAL LYRICAL BLAST ♪
♪ FROM THE ROUGH INDIVIDUAL
MOVE WITH THE CROWD ♪
♪ ALWAYS A MUST WHEN I BUST
THE MIC GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR ♪
♪ PEOPLE, DO WHAT YOU LIKE SO,
PARTY PEOPLE IN THE PLACE TO BE ♪
♪ YOU START POURIN' MONEY
ROCKIN' THE M-I-C, COME ON ♪
♪ YEAH COME ON ♪
♪ UH, IT'S LIKE THAT
IT'S LIKE THAT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ YEAH ♪♪
[Announcer] PREVIOUSLY
ON IN LIVING COLOR.
OH! OH! OH, MY LORD!
BLAYNE! [Crying] BLAYNE!
BLAYNE! BLAYNE!
CALL A DOCTOR. I THINK HE NEEDS
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.
HEY, HEY, HEY, MAN, HEY!
WHAT YOU DOIN', MAN?
BLAYNE? BLAYNE, ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?
WHAT'S THESE FUNNY CLOTHES ABOUT, MAN?
LET'S FINISH THE SHOW. FINISH
THE SHOW. OKAY. [Clears Throat]
FINALLY, WE COME TO THAT
SLY FOX OF A NETWORK...
AND THEIR SHOW
MARRIED WITH CHILDREN.
LOVED IT. HATED IT.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, "HATED IT"?
MAN, THAT GIRL IS FINE. THE BLONDE ONE?
WITH THE... THE BLONDE? LOOK
LIKE SHE HIDIN' TWO MIDGETS, MAN.
BLONDE? MIDGET?
OHH!
[Announcer] CABLE ACCESS
CHANNEL 96 PRESENTS MEN ON FILM.
HELLO, I'M BLAYNE EDWARDS.
AND I'M ANTOINE MERRYWETHER.
[Together] AND WELCOME
TO MEN ON FILM.
THE SHOW THAT LOOKS AT MOVIES
FROM A GUY'S POINT OF VIEW.
UH, YOU MEAN, FROM
A MALE POINT OF VIEW.
YEAH, MALE'S OR GUY'S...
GUY'S POINT OF VIEW.
HUH. HEH! WE HAVE A
NEW SPONSOR. GAYTORADE.
IT'S FOR THAT
DEEP-DOWN BODY THIRST.
NOW PACKED TO THE BRIM
WITH NATURAL PROTEIN. MM!
TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA LOOK
AT SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS.
OUR FIRST FILM UP
IS CITY SLICKERS.
OH, THIS IS A FILM
ABOUT LI'L BILLY CRYSTAL,
WHO FINDS THE REAL
MAN INSIDE OF HIM...
BY GOING WEST AND PUTTING ON
SOME OF THOSE LEATHER CHAPS...
AND JOINING IN A CATTLE DRIVE.
I LOVED THIS FILM, ALL THAT
DUST AND PERSPIRATION.
I GOT SADDLE SORE JUST
WATCHING IT. YOU WANT TO SEE?
NO. UM... [Chuckles] I DIDN'T
REALLY PAY MUCH ATTENTION,
'CAUSE ONCE THEY STARTED WITH THE
COWS AND STUFF, I JUST GOT INTO MY GIRL.
I HAD THIS YOUNG LADY WITH ME. WE'S, LIKE,
MACKIN' IT OUT AND STUFF, MAN. [Laughs]
EVERYBODY GOT WHAT THEY WANTED. BILLY EVEN
GOT TO TAKE HOME THAT LITTLE CALF, NORMAN.
YEAH, I BET THEY HAD
VEAL CHOPS THAT NIGHT.
[Laughing] VEAL... THEY
KILLED... THE BURGER...
OH, JUST HUSH. I COULD JUST
SPANK YOU WITH A CAT-O'-NINE-TAILS.
OH, LOOK! THERE
GOES CHARO. WHERE?
KEEP LOOKING. WHERE?
KEEP LOOKING. WHERE?
HELLO IN THERE!
I'M SORRY. DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT THERE WAS A
STINK BUG ON YOUR HEAD.
I'M WARNING YOU, TONY.
DON'T DO THAT AGAIN, MAN.
THE NEXT FILM UP IS KEVIN
COSTNER'S ACTION-ADVENTURE FLICK,
ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES.
I FELT THIS FILM
WENT OFF THE TRACK...
WHEN CUTE LITTLE
KEVIN COSTNER...
WENT TO SAVE THAT
SCREWBALL MAID MARIAN.
UCK! THE REAL STORY
WAS IN THE DANK, DARK,
MOIST, MOSS-STREWN THICKETS...
OF SHERWOOD FOREST.
DID THESE MERRY MEN SLEEP
TOGETHER? PLAY TOGETHER?
BATHE TOGETHER? DRY THEIR
THROBBING MUSCLES OFF TOGETHER?
ENQUIRING MINDS
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.
AND A TIP TO THE PRODUCERS:
WHEN YOU RELEASE THE VIDEO,
LET US SEE SOME MORE OF LITTLE
KEVIN'S FLAMING ARROW, POR FAVOR.
YOU WOULDN'T
HAPPEN TO BE... NAH!
GO AHEAD, SAY IT. [Laughs]
I DARE YOU. YOU'RE
WRONG. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE WRONG?
I THINK MAID MARIAN WAS FINE, AND...
TONY, DON'T GET MAD, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU... AAH! OWW!
I'M SORRY. OH!
THANK YOU.
NEXT UP, TRUTH OR DARE.
OH, MADONNA'S TOUR DOCUMENTARY.
MY COIF FOR VOUS, MADONNA.
I LOVED THIS ONE.
I COULD'VE SPENT ALL NIGHT WATCHING
THOSE FABULOUSLY INTERESTING DANCERS.
WHETHER TO POINT YOUR TOE,
DON'T POINT YOUR TOE, WHO KNOWS?
I HAVEN'T HAD THAT MUCH FUN
SINCE THE OPENING... [Snorting]
OF PARIS IS BURNING.
AND THAT LITTLE OLIVER. YOU KNOW,
THE NEGROID WITH THE BLOND HAIR?
OH. HE WAS RIVETING.
HE WAS RIVETING.
BUT THERE'S ONE
THING... EXCUSE ME?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CUT FREE,
OLIVER, AND ADMIT WHO YOU ARE?
OLIVER, I DARE YOU!
TELL THE TRUTH. ¿ES VERDAD?
WHAT'S "¿ES VERDAD?" IT'S
SPANISH FOR "ISN'T IT THE TRUTH?"
YOU KNOW, I'M BI...
LINGUAL. UH-HUH.
WELL, I DIDN'T LOOK
AT OLIVER MUCH,
BUT I THINK MADONNA
IS PRETTY HOT.
AND, UM, I DON'T KNOW.
I COULD FORGET TRUTH
OR DARE. I WANNA SEE
HER PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE.
YOU SEE THE WAY SHE WRAPPED
HER LIPS AROUND THAT BOTTLE, MAN?
YO, SHE CAN POP
MY BOTTLE ANYTIME.
HELLO IN THERE.
THAT'S IT, MAN. I'M
GONNA BUST YOUR ASS. OH!
WAIT A MINUTE. I THOUGHT THERE
WAS A DADDY LONGLEGS ON YOUR HEAD.
'SCUZE ME. [Chuckles]
THAT'S IT, MAN. YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
COME ON. GO FOR IT. GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
COME ON. UUH! [Gasps]
[Crying]
BLAYNE? TONY!
BLAYNE!
[Joyful Yelps]
I'M FREE! I'M FREE! HE'S BACK!
COME ON! YOU REMEMBER THE CREW!
HE'S BACK! OH!
HI, ERIC AND TROY!
JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE'LL
BE REVIEWING TERMINATOR 2,
STARRING MUSCLE-BOUND
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
IF THIS MAN IS THE MAN OF THE
FUTURE, WRAP ME UP, FREEZE ME,
AND PACK ME IN LIQUID STEEL.
WE'RE CELEBRATING BLAYNE'S RETURN
WITH A NEW AND IMPROVED T2 SNAP.
♪ IT'S RAINING MEN HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ IT'S RAINING MEN AMEN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GO OUT TO
RUN AND LET MYSELF GET ♪
♪ ABSOLUTELY SOAKING ♪♪
YO, WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK.
PEACE!
♪♪ [Hip-hop]