Impractical Jokers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Statue of Limitations - full transcript

Narrator: Coming up,
why is Joe all choked up?

Narrator:
What's giving q the runs?

I got to take a mondo Duke.

And which losing joker
can't handle the truth

in tonight's
top secret punishment?

I think you're lying to me.

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!



Today, we are playing host
at señor frogs.

Sí, señor.

While greeting
and seating customers,

we've got to do and say
what the other guys tell us.

Sí, señor.

If you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

Sí, señor.

We get it.
You're Mexican.

- I'm Cuban and puerto rican.
- Sí, señor.

♪♪

Hi, guys.
Welcome to señor frogs.

"Let me take your coats."

Let me take your coats.

Okay.



Have a seat.

We'll be with you
in just one minute, okay?

Great.

Now you have to put
all their coats on.

♪♪

Joe: Look, she caught him.
She caught him.

Stretski, party of three?

Come on.
Right this way.

Joe: Murr,
grab hopper by the beard

and pull him really close
and say,

"I told you
not to mess up anymore."

Hopper works on our show.

I told you
not to mess up anymore!

I said don't mess up!

I told you!

Why would you do that?!
- I don't know.

Get out of here!

This is señor frogs!

Hi, welcome to señor frogs.
May I help you?

Hopper!
Whoa!

Hi, guys.
Welcome to señor frogs.

How are you?

Murray, follow them in.
Follow them in.

Follow them in.
Go to the bathroom.

I can't!

"Girls, are you done?"

Hey, girls,
are you done in there?

- "It's for customers only."
- "It's for customers only."

The r...

The restroom's
for customers only, ladies.

"You can't just come in
off the street and drop twos."

Um, you're not supposed
to just come out of the street

and drop number twos.

Get out of there, Murray.

- What are you doing?
- Get out of there.

Hi, how are you?
Welcome to señor frogs.

Do you have a reservation?

- No.
- Oh, you don't.

"Mm,
it's a little tight."

It's a little tight right now.

Have them call the restaurant
to make a reservation.

Do you have your cellphone?

Just dial this number

'cause then I can put you
in the system.

This is so stupid.

Thanks for calling señor frogs.

This is Joe.
How may I help you?

"What, are you nuts?
We're packed."

A table for two.

Um, are you nuts?
We're packed.

Table for two?
Come on this way.

Look at them.

Hi, ladies.
Welcome.

Send them to the sitting area,

but I want you to just kiss
the seat before they use it.

You can just
have a seat right here,

and we'll wait real quick.

Let me just...
Hold on one second.

Let me just...

Q: Just give a quick kiss.

Okay, you can put yours
right there.

You put yours right there.

And, you, you come over here.
You put yours right there.

Hello, how are you?
What's your name?

Tia?
- "Sorry. My voice is sore."

I'm sorry.
My voice is a little sore.

"I one-throated
a chicken tender."

No, I one-throated
a chicken tender,
and it really got me.

Q: What does that even mean?

He just swallowed it whole
without chewing.

Like a pelican?

Joe:
Just have a seat real quick.

Hi, welcome to señor frogs.

Oh, god.

All right.
Is it two, ladies?

- Yes.
- Sure.

"Are you
cranjis mcbasketball?"

Cranjis?

Cranjis mcbasketball?

I have two at 5:00
for cranjis.

Cranjis mcbasketball.

Are you sure it's not you?
'Cause it's ready.

Get them to say it,
and give them the table.

If you want the table,

you have to...
Be cranjis mcbasketball.

Right this way.

Hey, guys, how you doing?

Six. Okay.

Murr:
Pull them in real close.

"I want to make love
to your accent."

I, uh... i, personally...

Yeah.

Would like to make love
to your accent.

Hey, guys. How are you?
Welcome to señor frogs.

Just a minute.

If you want to have a seat,
you're welcome to it.

"Let me ask you something.
It's really busy today."

It's very busy today.

"Is it a, uh,
you-know-what holiday today?"

And I'm gonna make sure
you're seated within
the next two minutes.

How are you?

Okay, how many will there be?

Take four menus and just
drop them on the floor.

Okay.

This is gonna be
a table for four.

Oh, you missed one.

Joe: Q,
underneath the phone there,

there's a glass of water
with some dollars in it.

I'm not throwing it
in someone's face.
I'll tell you that.

Put it down right next
to the cash register there,

and wait
for further instruction.

Hello, welcome to señor frogs.
How are you?

Table for four.

"Have they told you about
the promotion we're doing?"

Did you guys hear about the
promotion we're having today?
No.

"It's wet dollar Friday."

Here you go.

- What is this?
- What is this?

It's a... Wet dollar.

- Thanks?
- For...?

"Okay, I'll seat you
in one second.
I'm just parched."

All right, I'm gonna... nope.

No.

- Oh, come on!
- I wouldn't do it.

Revenge of the pool water.

No!

I didn't even have to say
the whole thing.

That's the only guy
that would do it right there.

Ohh. All right.

I'm parched.

- I wouldn't do it.
- No, q!

- I wouldn't do it.
- Oh, that's so nasty.

You don't even know
where that dollar's been.

Sal: It's loaded with feces
and cocaine.

They're loaded
with feces and cocaine!

Ohh!

And this is how q dies.

Oh, that was a mistake.

Murr: That's it.
That sound is gonna do sal in.

- Ohh! Oh.
- I can't.

I cannot w-watch this.

- Don't do that.
- Oh, my god!

Dude, what did that taste like?

Oh, here he goes again.

The water tasted like dollars.

Narrator: Sal got served
in this challenge,

so he's sitting alone
on the loser board.

Today, we're spending
some quality time

with our "grandfather"
in the mall.

And we're gonna
have to ask a stranger

to watch him for a little bit
for some ridiculous reason.

But the weird reason

that we need these people
to watch the old dudes

will be given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't get the stranger
to watch grandpaps, you lose.

"Grandpaps"?

Uh, I'm James, by the way.

Hi, James. Mel.

Mel, nice to meet you.

Well, you can tell they're
related by the hairline.

Excuse me.
Could you do me a favor?

This is my grandfather.

Could you watch him
for 30 seconds, for real?

I have to go, um...

"My side piece is about
to run into my wifey."

My side... my side piece
is about to run into my wifey,

and I can't
have that happening, okay?

My side piece
is by Victoria's secret.

My wifey's in jcpenney.

They're, like,
right near each other,

and they both
know grandpa, right?

So if they see me with him,

they're both gonna
come up to me,

and that's a disaster.

That makes no sense.
No sense.

Like, they don't recognize murr?

It's his wife
and his girlfriend.

Can you just watch him
for 30 seconds

while I go run
and move my side piece?

Thank you so much.

Joe: You got it.
You got it.

Q: Wow.

Got them in Jersey city
and hoboken.

Poughkeepsie.

Hopefully,
he don't get caught, neither.

I feel bad.

Oh, if he gets caught,
I'm in trouble, too.

Good, good, good,
good, good, good.

Crisis averted.

No promises.
You know?

Are you single, by the way?

Yeah.

'Cause I got another side.

It's me and Jeff down here.
Jeff, I'm gonna get rid of you.

Don't take it personally.
Sounds like my wife.

Excuse me, miss?
Can I ask you do me a favor?

Could you watch him
for a second?

"Some kids are talking
about him up in the food court."

Some kids are talking
about him up in the food court.

"I'm gonna go bust
some heads."

I'm gonna go bust some heads.

I don't want him
to have to watch.

Could you just watch him?

I'm just gonna go bust heads
real quick.

Nobody calls my grandpa
"feeble old man,

disgusting piece of"

that's not nice.

He protects me.

He's a very, very good grandson.

He's doing an accent!
Joe, come back with an accent.

I told them, then they...

What?

I-I told them up in the food
court about it.

I told them,
"no, you talk like that

about the guy,
old man."

I told them.

I say, "you don't call him
'disgusting piece of'"

- grandpapa, let's go.
- Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, god.

He's not a piece of

excuse me, sir, can I ask you
for one quick favor?

This is my grandpa.
I have to run for 30 seconds.

Would you be able to watch him?

"I'd like to get some Sushi
without this guy

bitching about Pearl harbor
the whole time."

I'd like to...
I'd like to get some Sushi

without this guy bitching about
Pearl harbor the whole time.

Yeah.
Well, no, just to order it.

Just to order it.

All right.

I'll be right back.
Thank you. 30 seconds.

You know, he always gets Sushi,

and I've been to...
You know, I was at Pearl harbor.

Are you Japanese?
No.

- You're not?
- I'm Vietnamese.

Vietnamese?

Oh, we didn't... we didn't like
you guys too much, either.

I put the order in.
Thank you so much.

I put the order in.
Thank you.

You're very kind.
- Thank you for watching me.

All right, fella,
where you from?

I'm from orange county.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, Warwick.

Yeah, a lot of apples and

hey, guys, guys,

could you help me out for one
minute with my grandfather here?

I need someone to watch him.

"He thinks it's the '50s."

He thinks it's the 1950s.

He's not dangerous or anything.

"I got to take a mondo Duke."

I got to take a mondo Duke.

So, could you just play along?

It's the 1950s for a minute.

I'm gonna go take a mondo Duke.

Just watch him.
He's not dangerous.

Be right back.

Do they take long...
Mondo Dukes?

You guys are not communists,
are you?

No?

- Ohh, thank you guys.
- Take care.

All right, grandpa.
Let's go watch "howdy doody."

All right.
Whoo!

That was a mondo Duke, man.

Narrator: All of the guys
had great grandpas,

making sal tonight's big loser.

Sal's the big loser, and today,

we have something
a little unusual planned

for his punishment.

Do you guys remember
that challenge

where we made sal jump up
and grab the statue's nose?

Boom!
I got your nose, bitch!

Who would have thought
that that was against the law?

Well, we found out

when the department
of homeland security...

Sent a note.
That's right.

They sent a very stern
letter to us

asking us not to do that again.

They ultimately dismissed
the whole thing,

but we forgot to tell sal that.

Forget?

Well...
Well...
Well...

We've been planning his
punishment for almost a year.

I-I don't even remember
what happened.

What am I gonna tell them?

- They want to talk to us.
- Who? Who?

But why?

But they know that
we're a comedy show on trutv.

I know. I know.

Sal climbed a monument,

and homeland security
almost shut us down.

Yeah, sal's gonna get
and end up in the clink.

We are right across the street
from city hall.

This is an actual government
building that we're filming in,

and today,
sal's been called in to testify

in what he thinks is
an actual deposition

in front of the department
of homeland security.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please enjoy

the people vs. Sal vulcano.

♪♪

Joe: So, this here
is Pete mcpartland,

who is our executive producer
on the show.

And he's an ally in this one.

Pete has been taking acting
classes for two years

in preparation
for this punishment.

Hello. Hi.

Hi.

All right.
Thank you.

Joe: Oh, boy.

Murr:
This woman is an actor.

We're telling her
exactly what to say.

All right, so, you understand
why you're here today?

This is not admissive in law,
but it will be a deposition.

- Oh, all right.
- All right?

This is how sal shows up

for an official
government inquest?

Just throws on
a hoodie and a blue t-shirt?

What I would like to do
is to get your account

of exactly what what was
happening on April 16, 2015.

Could you speak up
just a little bit?
I can't quite...

Yeah, we were playing,
you know, a childish game

where you steal someone's nose.

I tried to steal it
from a statue, I think.

And it was basically...

I'm not even sure
if I touched it.

There you are,
grabbing the nose.

Is that what you were saying?

I guess I did touch it.

Say, "the problem is
that's a federal landmark."

You understand that
that is a federal landmark.

No, I did not know that
until you guys told me.

"Let's move to the tape."

Let's look over this.

We also went so far to provide
raw footage from that day

that didn't even make air.

Sal, do you think
you can climb that statue?

Turn around to your left,
all the way.

Do you think you could steal
that statue's nose

and yell at it?
Which one, buddy?

The one on the throne.

It might get us busted, bud.

I don't think
you can go up there.

You're gonna get in trouble

if you do that,
you think, or what?

- Pete said it's fine.
- Okay.

- What did he say?
- I don't know what he said.

Oh, there you go.

Murr: He's gonna break
the statue, I swear.

- Ohh!
- Boom!

I got your nose, bitch!

You know, I know
that you think it's funny,

but you trespassed
on federal property,

and you're making a joke of it.

It's crazy...

Okay, no problem.

Help me to understand

what you do not understand
is wrong with this.

Trespassing... totally got it.

"So you admit
you were trespassing?"

So you admit
you were trespassing?

Well, no, I admit that...

"You just said
you were trespassing."

You were trespassing,

and you said it on camera,
as well.

If you can show me
where I said that...

Well, you said it here.

Joe:
Sal's getting annoyed.

I know now that you told me
I was trespassing that I was.

I didn't know then.

"I feel like
you're lying to me."

I think you're lying to me.

Okay, so, then...

I think you knew then.

It was very clear from this tape
that all of you knew

that you were doing something
illegal and that you didn't...

I don't agree with you,
but that's okay.

If that's what you feel...

It's not really a question
of whether you agree or not.

Okay. Okay.

Do you understand
the possibilities

of what can happen in this?

No, no, I don't think so.

Do you always get a permit?

Yes.

I don't think
that getting a permit

is going to be something
you're gonna be able to do

for some time.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, so...

Based on your lack
of understanding,

the case cannot be closed,
and we'll be following up.

All right, so, anyway,
that's all I have right now.

We'll be in touch.
Okay?

Murr: Sal's not gonna find out
that he's being conned today.

We're gonna let this play out
a little bit longer.

That did not go well.

The way she was
talking to me, too, like,

"do you think it's funny?"

Like I was in the principal's
office or something.

She was so bitchy.

What a bitch.

All right, guys,
so it's been three weeks.

So, sal is showing up at a park

thinking we're filming
a challenge today.

However, "practical jokers"
is getting shut down today,

our permit to shoot revoked
for the entire summer.

And whose fault was it?

Sal's!
Sal's!
Sal's!

Intro, intro, intro.

Is this me here?

You're on this side.
Murr.

You got to be away
from the light.

These are our marks, boys.

Oh, uh, shay,

could you hold onto this
for me, please, darling?

All right, hold on.
Hold on. Hold on one second.

Sal: What is this?

Okay.

Yes.
Go talk with them.

Looks like they're taking away

our entire filming permit
for the city.

- For the city?
- For the city.

Our productions
are being shut down.

So four meetings.

I have to go to four meetings.

You have to go to four meetings?

Four meetings
after the one we just went to

where we took care of everything
we had to take care of.

Sal:
It doesn't make any sense.

This is part of a production
that I was just in.

Why aren't they going after
the production?

'Cause you were the one who was
physically on the statue.

I was the one who, on tape,
gave permission.

'Cause this is the kind of thing

where you can't deflect
to someone else.

This is our...

"Deflect"?
What do you mean?

To who?
Who would I deflect to?

Well, I mean,
this inspector green
stuff is between us.

It's almost so ridiculous

that I want to be like,
"you," to them.

You know what I mean?

It's so stupid.
- She got us, man.

Joe: Yes! Yes! Yes!

You!

You

what is that?!

That's the longest punishment

in the history
of "impractical jokers."

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!
I didn't... ohh!

I've been thinking

that this is such
a bull for how long!

- Hold on a second.
- Murray wrote that this morning.

He wrote it?

Let me get a letter
for littering!

Everybody knew the whole time?

Like, since the beginning?