Impastor (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 8 - Bingo Tell It on the Mountain - full transcript

(Buddy)
Previously on Impastor...

All of my instincts tell me
that he is a good man.

Oh!

What do you need
a private line for?

What affair? I don't know what
you're talking about.

That jumper we hauled
out of the bay?

Dental records came back...

some pastor from Florida
named Jonathan Barlow.

(Buddy) I'd been in Ladner
for a while now,

and I was really starting to get
the hang of this pastor thing.

I was coming up
with my sermons a lot easier.



I'd worked out a system
for advising congregants.

Should I have
the experimental surgery?

Signs point to yes.

And I'd delegated
all the annoying work

to my assistant,
who lives for that crap.

Hey, I finished
your pastor newsletter.

I just need you to sign.

All right.

Hope you put some big words
in here this time.

I used "ecclesiastical"
and "complementarianism."

Nice!
People love a smart pastor.

Yes.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

[sighs]



Is there anything else?

No.

- You sure?
- Yes.

Dora, something wrong?

All right, stop hounding me.
I'll tell you.

The Ladner Lodge Bingo-mania
begins tonight.

And you have
nothing to wear?

And...

[sighs]
I'm addicted to bingo.

Really? Aren't you, like,
40 years too young for that?

Weakness and temptation
do not discriminate by age.

Yeah, but bingo?

Why not blackjack?
Or better yet, craps?

Best odds in the casino.

If you're gonna get hooked,
that's the one.

No, no, my game is bingo,

and last year
I hit rock bottom.

I lost $840

and, as a result...

my "praycation" to Boise.

That does sound terrible,
all of it.

But this year I am determined
to overcome my gambling problem.

(Buddy) I had a gambling problem too.
I hadn't gambled in weeks.

Here, take it.
It's $1,000.

I was just hoping
you could hold on to it for me

till all this Bingo-mania
stuff is over.

You bet.

Or you won't bet, because
I'll be holding your money.

Thank you.

It's really nice to know
I have someone I can trust.

In gambler's lingo,
this was called a bankroll.

But it was Dora's money.
I had to do the right thing.

Come to papa, baby,
one more time!

(all)
Yeah!

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm sanctified ♪

Hey, hey,
I came as soon as I could.

What is the emergency?

My real-estate friend,
Sandy, called.

A wealthy Lutheran family
just moved to the area,

and they haven't picked
a church yet.

- What do we know so far?
- They're the Fenwicks...

Jason, a lawyer,
Courtney, a pharmacist...

- And three kids. Names...
- Unimportant!

How wealthy?

- Loaded.
- Do we know if they're givers?

They financed a sanctuary
at their last church.

This is the godsend
we've been praying for.

We may finally get
our new Sunday school.

But there's a problem.

Their house is halfway
between Ladner and Pineville.

We have to snag them

before
Pineville Lutheran does.

Maybe we should invite them
to a Sunday service.

Or we could do
something smart.

I'll arrange a personal meeting
with the Fenwicks for tomorrow.

Alexa, you're not off-putting.
You'll come with me.

We'll meet at the coffee shop
and take one car.

What about me?

You stay by your phone,

and if we need reinforcements,
I will call you.

You're not going to call,
are you?

Highly unlikely.

[knock at door]

Enter!

Buddy...
Ugh!

Smells like Pastor Willis
in here.

He used to drive Dora crazy
with those cigars.

What can I do for you,
Russell?

Did you know Willis died
a year ago in this very room?

Actually,
he died on the toilet,

but Schmidt dragged him
in here to save face.

I only hope you'll show me the
same respect when my time comes.

- Is that all?
- No.

[sighs]

You know that very wealthy
family we're trying to recruit,

the one that's got
the whole council abuzz?

Sure.

Schmidt won't even
let me help.

Because you let him
not let you.

Ooh, I need to hear this.
Tell me more.

Russell...

you have to start thinking
like a winner.

Winners take action.

Goose bumps.
Keep going.

Winners don't sit
on the sidelines.

They get in the game.

The next time you have
an opportunity,

you have to step up.

Like Channing Tatum does
in the Step Up trilogy!

Even though he wasn't in the
third one, which thematically...

There you go.
Put your chips on the table!

Roll the dice,
bet on yourself!

I'll see you later.

One time.

- Seven out.
- No!

Oh, God.
Oh, no.

(Buddy) I couldn't believe I'd blown all
of Dora's money playing craps.

Idiot!

The minute I started losing,

I should've switched
to blackjack.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just got
some great news.

Donna Belmont
broke her leg.

Oh, that is great news.
She sucks.

What?
You don't even know her.

Oh.
Then why is that great news?

Because it means she can't go
on her cruise to Alaska,

and she's offering me
her spot for half off.

Oh, Buddy, I've always
wanted to see bald eagles...

and Gallagher.

He's performing
every night.

So she broke her leg
on purpose.

You.
[chuckles]

So now I just need that money
that I gave you to hold

so that I can go pay Donna.

Right, right,
the money you gave me

- that I still have, yeah.
- Yeah.

Uh... I can't do that.

What?

Why not?

- I think we both know.
- I don't.

- Don't you?
- No.

Buddy?
What's going on?

Dora, you have
a serious gambling problem.

What kind of spiritual leader,
not to mention friend,

would I be if I enabled
your addiction?

Yeah, but, see,
this isn't about bingo.

This is about me going
on my dream cruise.

I promised I wouldn't give
your money back

until Bingo-mania was over.

I don't care
how many balding eagles

or magicians you make up.

Gallagher
is not a magician.

He's a prop comic...

and a genius.

And I want my money.

- Dora...
- Now! Buddy, please...

before Donna gives my spot
to someone else.

All right!
All right.

I'll go get it...

right after I tend
to a church member

who's in desperate
need of help.

(Buddy)
Me.

(Buddy) To get Dora her money back,
I had to take out a loan.

Fortunately,
my bank was mobile.

Thanks for doing this,
Ashlee.

You look really good,
by the way.

[sniffs]
Is that vanilla?

I'm a busy girl.
How much you need?

$1,000.

Okay.

You know what?
Make it $1,500.

Just so you know,
vig's 30%...

per week.

Whoo.

That's steep.

But that includes
a free hummer, right?

Only if you can bend down
that far.

Have a seat.

I have it on good authority
that the Fenwicks took a tour

of Pineville Lutheran
yesterday.

Oh, that's discouraging.

Did I give you the impression
I was finished?

Even worse, apparently they
really hit it off

with P-ville's lady pastor.

[scoffs]
Mind-boggling.

[sighs] Guess we've got
our work cut out for us.

That's why I've decided to
step up and come with you.

Ah, n-no offense, Russell,

but having you there
will exponentially increase

our chances of failure.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm not so sure

you know the proper usage
of "no offense."

Yes, I do. I've been using it
to cushion insults for years.

[cell phone vibrating]

I, um, um, have
to, uh, use,

uh, the restroom.

[chuckles]
It's just...

urine.

- That was weird.
- I bet it's a number two.

Yes, this is
the blue-eyed gentleman.

Ashlee.

Oh, that's...
that's a lovely name.

Now?

So Channing challenges
this guy to a dance-off...

Uh, that was my office.

There's something
I need to attend to.

Meeting adjourned.

What about the Fenwicks?

We'll reschedule
for tomorrow.

[sighs]
Well, that's that.

No.
I say we go anyway.

What?

Winners don't play
the sidelines.

They sit on the action...
or something like that.

Point is, I'm going,
with or without you.

Russell,
don't do it, okay?

If you lose this family,
Alden will rip you a new one.

Well, maybe I need a new one.

(Buddy)
I paid Dora back her grand

and still had $500 left
to play with.

But it was time
for a different game.

(woman)
O-67...

6-7.

Lucky birdies work for me,
all I need is N-33.

Touch their beaks
is what I do,

and I always stop on...

- Blue.
- N-34, 3-4.

Dora Winston?

Buddy?

What are you doing here?

I, um... I...

B-12, 1-2.

I can't help myself!

What about your cruise?

There is no cruise,
is there?

- I'm so sorry.
- I-25, 2-5.

And for the kids,
we have Bible puppetry.

I just personally re-felted
seven of the Apostles.

Well, that sounds great.

But to be honest,
we were impressed

with another church
we recently visited.

Very impressed.

Well, you can't make a decision
until you've met

the best thing
about our church... Pastor Barlow.

Barlow?

Not Jonathan Barlow?
From Pensacola?

Yes!
Do you know him?

My cousin Pam belonged
to his church.

We met him at AJ's baptism,
remember, hon?

Yeah, he did the whole

sing-a-along service
with the kids.

Good man.

We should set up
a meeting.

Sounds good.

Fabulous!

Pastor Barlow
will be so excited

to reconnect
with someone from his past.

- [cell phone rings]
- B-6, number 6.

"Fenwicks at 4:00."
Okay.

- Dora.
- I-21, 2-1.

You okay?

I'm so ashamed.

I'm a horrible person.

Come on,
so you slipped up

and had a little relapse.

You're human.
It happens.

No, you don't understand.

The day that I hit rock bottom
is a lot worse than you think.

What'd you really lose...
$1,000?

- Mm.
- $1,200?

More?

Buddy...

Oh, gosh, I haven't told anybody
this, but on that day...

- I killed Pastor Willis.
- [organ music]

You killed Pastor Willis?

I thought he died
on the grunter.

I mean in the
living room.

Oh, that's not
the whole story.

Last year I wanted to play
in Bingo-mania,

so I asked for the day off,
and Pastor Willis just said no.

Okay, just so we're clear,

if you ever want time off,
take it.

It wasn't like that.

So I called in, took a sick day,
came to bingo,

and while I was off
indulging my addiction,

Pastor Willis
had his heart attack.

So you didn't actually
kill him.

But I wasn't there to save him!
It's the same thing.

He died because of me.

Dora...

you can't blame yourself.

Yes, I can.
I was so angry at him.

I prayed
for him to go away.

God didn't kill Willis
because you prayed.

Everybody knows
prayers don't work.

You're just saying that,
obviously.

[sighs]

Pastor Willis died
because of me,

and there is nothing
that you can say or do

that's gonna change that!

[sobbing]

Uh, Ashlee.
Hi.

- I'm Alden.
- Hey.

Yeah, it's a... just a pleasure
to... to see you...

again.

Uh, won't you have a seat?

You'll have to...
excuse me.

I'm...

[breathing excitedly]
I am a bit nervous!

[laughing]
Oh, don't be.

So...

what do you want to do?

I have no idea.

But I just know that I...

I just had to see you again.

After I bumped into you
that day...

you had such a glow.

You are so lovely.

I haven't been able to think
of anything else since.

- [chuckles]
- Unh.

That's...

so sweet.

Most guys I meet don't say
things like that to me.

Well, then
maybe you are consorting

with the wrong type
of fella.

- [laughs]
- Huh?

Alden, do you know
what I do for a living?

No, but I would like
to know.

I'd like to know
everything about you.

What do you do?

I'm...

in hospitality.

Well, that suits you,
'cause...

no, because you are
very congenial.

Yeah.

Would it be hotels,
conventions?

Yeah.
Lots of those.

- Oh.
- [chuckles]

What's in the Tupperware?

Apple wedges.

Fuji, to be, uh, exact.

Uh, can I offer you one?

Don't mind if I do.

You're...

very charming,
you know that?

[breathing excitedly]
Well...

(Buddy) I was hoping Dora
could cry it out,

but after 20 minutes
of wiping snot,

I had to try something else.

I really don't want
to play bingo.

We're not gonna play.

You're here to answer
for your sins.

Attention, everyone!

Listen up.

This woman killed a man.

[gasps]
Buddy!

You prayed for Willis
to go away.

I-I wanted him to retire,
not... not die!

God is not a mind reader.

Willis is dead,
and you killed him.

He had a heart attack.

- Because of you.
- B-what?

He had a heart attack
because he smoked and he drank

and he ate beef tacos
for breakfast!

- It wasn't my fault.
- Say that again.

Beef tacos
for breakfast!

- The other thing.
- It wasn't my fault.

- It wasn't my fault.
- Bingo!

Damn it!
I was this close!

[sighs]
Thank you.

Buddy...
[sighs]

I feel so much better.

Hey...

it's what I do.

Let's get out of here.

(woman)
Okay, Bingo-maniacs,

next up is your
$1,000 jackpot round.

You know what?

Maybe I should stick around,

see if any other lost souls
need my guidance.

You're a very good man.

I'll see you at home.

Is the pastor
on his way?

I will try him again.
[chuckles]

Okay.

(woman)
N-41, 4-1.

Bingo!

Yeah!

Suck it, Alberta!

Yes!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Yeah!

- [laughter]
- [cell phone ringing]

Yeah?

Buddy, where are you?

The Fenwicks are
at your house, waiting.

Oh, right, right, right.
I'm on my way.

Well, hurry.

They're really excited
to see you again.

- "Again"?
- Yeah.

They know you
from Florida.

They do?

Awesome.

(Buddy)
I was dead meat.

How could I possibly meet
the Fenwicks and not get busted?

Hey, there.

How would you like
to make 40 bucks?

I got to take
any clothes off?

- Well, yes...
- I'm in.

Change of plans.

Pastor Barlow would like
to meet you at the church...

- Oh.
- By himself.

Hey!
How's it going?

We're here to see Pastor Barlow.
Is he in?

Not at the moment.

Uh, you guys new
to the congregation?

Actually, we're
considering joining.

Oh, well, you're gonna
love it here...

as soon as we get the mold and
termite problems under control.

(Alexa)
Buddy?

What are you doing?

Oh, just, uh...

getting the Lord's house
as spotless as the Lord.

What's with the shirt?

What's with your shirt?

This one's the church
fashion queen.

Hi, I'm Alexa.

Hi.
We're the Fenwicks.

I'm Jason,
and this is Courtney.

Hi.

Oh, my gosh,
you're the Fenwicks.

Welcome
to Ladner Trinity.

Is the pastor
giving you a tour?

We were hoping so.

- When do you think...
- Any minute now.

You are gonna love him.
He is the best.

Yeah, he really is.

Actually, we know Pastor Barlow
from Florida.

(Alexa)
Oh, really?

Well, then I don't need
to tell you how fun he is.

Actually, you don't need to tell
them anything at all.

Just let the pastor
speak for himself.

Oh, uh, okay, well, uh...

- Nice to meet you.
- You too.

[sighs]

What did she mean by "fun"?

Well, I guess she means how much
the pastor likes to party.

I've seen him do
some pretty wild things.

Like?

Oh, like chug 40s
and fling eggs at Methodists.

"Meth-heads," he calls 'em.

Or borrow collection-plate money
to trick out his ride.

Man, what a sound system.

[beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[chuckles] Are we talking
about the same Jonathan Barlow?

My height, bald, glasses,
gay dude, real into weed?

You mean marijuana?

Yeah, and super generous
with it too.

Yeah, gave me this,
just for doing a good job

cleaning out the shitter.

[chuckles]
Man.

Hit?

I don't know
what happened, guys.

I gave it my best shot,

but I guess
I just wasn't good enough.

Oh, Buddy, you stop that.
Nobody's gonna blame you.

Well, Alden
will be blaming somebody.

He's gonna hit the roof when
he hears we lost the Fenwicks.

I'll take the bullet.

No, I need to do this.

Alden, we met the Fenwicks
without your permission...

my call... and despite
our best efforts,

they've chosen
Pineville Lutheran.

- Their call.
- Fair enough.

I know you're upset, but...
What?

Have you seen how lovely
the sky is today?

What was that?

That was me finally getting
the respect I deserve.

You do realize
that's a stirring stick?

- I do now, yeah.
- Okay.

I'm gonna show him
what a straw is.

So what was all that weirdness
with the Fenwicks yesterday?

What do you mean?

What you were wearing,
the way you were acting.

Something was going on.

Okay, here's the truth.

I do know the Fenwicks
from Florida,

and we do not want them
at our church.

Why? They seem like such
nice, rich people.

They're assholes.

He's a corrupt prick
who's leveraged to the hilt,

and she's a Nazi.

Why didn't you
say anything before?

You know me.
I don't like to judge.

(Buddy) Schmidt was right
about the sky.

Nothing like being stoned
and watching the clouds...

all your problems
taken care of.

I need a problem
taken care of.

Name's Buddy Dobbs.
Stiffed me 32 large.

You available?

[silenced gunshot, thud]

I am now.