Impastor (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - Thou Shalt Not Steal - full transcript

Along with Barlow's identity,

I took his life savings

and put it all
in a rock solid investment:

the Steelers minus 3 1/2.

Pastor Barlow?

I'm Charlotte Nelson.

Thank you for coming
to Aunt Ruby's wake.

Happy to be here...

on this most solemn
occasion.

I took the liberty
of writing up a few

facts about Aunt Ruby
that you can use



at the eulogy on Wednesday.

"Amateur yodeler...

avid quilter...

liked eggs...

Impressive life.

I'll be sure and use these.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Two seconds to go.

Come on, baby.
Field goal wins it...

No. No.
Jesus, no!

Why did she have to die
so young?

Ruby was 88.

88?



That's like
the new...

78.

Pastor Barlow,

I don't think you've met
my lovely wife, Hilva.

How ya doing?

Hilva's family
has owned this mortuary

for three generations.

We've buried
most of Ladner.

Well, hopefully
they were dead first.

Of course.

We require
a coroner's certificate

before we'll even begin

planning the internment.

I was just
making a joke.

Oh.

I'm not a fan
of humor.

Excuse me.

I must go provide warmth
and comfort

to the grief-stricken.

She's quite a catch.

Thank you.
It's interesting.

We were high school
sweethearts

and have been together
ever since,

except for a brief time when she
was off at Embalming School.

- But...
- How romantic.

Alden.

The dumbass Steelers

had blown every penny
Barlow had.

Plus the extra 5 grand
I'd bet on credit.

I needed some cash.

And fast.

Thank you for coming,
everyone.

The visitation is over now.

What I was considering
was pretty low,

I had to look
deep into my soul

and ask myself
one question...

Is anyone watching?

♪ Have you ever seen ♪

♪ The way it looks
like summertime? ♪

Okay, I want
the silk shift

paired with
the box clutch.

I said clutch.
That is a purse, Gladys.

How are the models
doing?

Oof, it's Spanx on Spanx
over there.

When do I get to see
the dress?

Just came in.

Courtesy gasp
or real gasp?

Real.

When you strut the runway
in that dress,

the whole world
is gonna know

Alexa Cummings
is the fashion queen

of the tri-county area.

I know!
It's gonna be such a big night for me.

And for the sick kids.

Yeah, them too.

Hey, guys.
Listen.

I know you're super busy,

but I just wanted
to help out,

despite the fact
that I was not reelected

to the fundraising
committee.

Dora, we all know
you were the scapegoat

for the tainted
cookie dough drive.

No, no, no, no, no.

I take full blame.

Although Kim Brooks

did leave them overnight
in the trunk of her car.

Anyhoo,
have I ever told you about

my online store,
a-Dora-ble Creations?

"Lifestyle designs
for the modern woman,

handmade by Dora herself."

I guess I have.

Anyway, I made
some accessories

that I thought
the models

could wear in the show tonight.

I call them "Owl-Rings."

Aren't they a hoot?

And a holler.

Yeah, it's just...

I'm afraid
to give the models

any last-minute changes,

especially with
some of them

going through the change.

Denise is a sweaty
powder keg.

You understand.

Yeah, of course.
I mean, I was just trying to help out.

But, hey,
it's your show.

Thanks.

It's always your show.

Being new to town,

I had no way to fence stolen
merch.

So I called the only person
I knew who might:

Ashlee, my hooker.

So you want to
go somewhere

or is this
a car jacking?

Hold on.

I just want to talk.

One of those.

Price is the same.

Do you know anyone
who might be interested

in a beautiful,

superexpensive
ruby necklace,

no questions asked?

Yeah, I know a guy.

Yeah?

I'm the guy.

I get a lot of
"superexpensive" gifts.

I like to
know who's screwing me.

So to speak.

How much is it worth?

15, maybe 20.

Thousand?

Dollars.

This is just
colored glass.

Shit!

So you want to do something
or what?

Time is money.

What can I get
for 20 bucks?

Blue balls.

I couldn't believe

Aunt Ruby screwed me like that.

Now, where the hell
was I gonna get 5 grand

to pay back my bookie?

Buddy, don't forget
tonight is Alexa's fashion show

put on by Alexa
at Boutique Alexa

in the United States
of Alexa.

Is something wrong
between you and Alexa?

You know me so well.

You know, just because
I'm not some

sophisticated, big city
fashionista,

it does not mean that
I don't have good taste.

Or feelings.

What's this?

Oh, that's, uh...

That's a gift.

Ooh.
It's so fancy.

Who's it for?

It's, uh...

For you.

For me?

But... why?

For being
the most...

awesome church administrator
I've ever had.

Buddy, you're so sweet.

Just when life
knocks me down,

you pick me
right back up.

Are these rubies?

Yeah.

But they're yours now.

- Oh, oh, oh!
- Oh, my god.

I'm terribly sorry.

Look what I've done.

It's just water.

I've had a lot worse things
spilled on me.

Oh.
Well, here. Here.

Please.

Oh, just when I thought

there were no more gentlemen
in the world.

Thanks.

My pleasure.

You know,

you have the bluest eyes
I've ever seen.

Pastor Barlow,

this is difficult
for me to say.

I understand.

Death's a bummer.

Just let it out,
my suffering lamb.

Your assistant Dora
stole my Aunt Ruby's necklace.

I'm going to the police.

Charlotte.

I think
you're mistaken.

Dora's the most
honest person I know.

Pastor,
I know what I saw.

She was wearing
Aunt Ruby's necklace.

It's a one of-a-kind
priceless heirloom.

I'll give you "heirloom."

Excuse me?

Look.

There's no reason to go to the police.
Trust me.

I was the last one
to leave the funeral home,

and I promise,
the necklace

was still on Aunt Ruby
when I left.

It's not that
I don't believe you, Reverend,

but I would like
to see that for myself.

And you will.

Tell you what.

Tomorrow morning,

before we stick Ruby
in the ground,

how about we
pop the casket

and give you a look-see?

Well, that would give me
peace of mind.

And give me a chance
to stay out of prison.

Hey, world's most awesome
church administrator,

whatcha doin'?

Oh, I'm just crocheting
some ponchos

for my online
store.

Hey, do you want to
try one on?

They're unisex.

My least favorite kind of sex.

So I see you're
wearing my little gift.

Oh, I haven't taken it off
since you gave it to me.

Yeah, you know,
I've been thinking.

I just went out
and got that

without even asking if you like
old lady necklaces.

So if you want me to exchange it
for something cooler...

Are you kidding me?

Seven years
I worked for Reverend Willis,

and the only thing
he gave me was pink eye.

Now, I know it's kind of soon to
say this, but you, sir...

Best.

Boss.

Ever.

Guilty as charged.

It's open.

I'm in a rush.

Can I get the coffee maker
for the fundraiser?

Yes, just please figure-eight
the cord when you're done.

Unlike last time.

Did you
make these?

They are
beautiful.

I mean a-Dora-ble.

Thank you.

I mean, I used
a cross-stitch

and a double crochet,
and then I...

They'd be perfect
for the fashion show.

I don't know
what to say.

You never like any...

Um...

Great.
How many do you want?

I'll take them all.

Oh, well, just let me
check my pending orders.

Yep, you are in luck.

Great.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Bye, honey.
- Bye.

Hey!

Come on, Rico.

How 'bout we
roll my debt over

to next week's games,
huh?

Hey hey,
no need to send anybody.

You'll get your money by Friday.
Don't worry.

I had bought some time
with Rico,

but I was running out of time

to get that necklace back
from Dora.

I had one last card to play:

the gay card.

Bye.

I'm off
to get a manicure,

and then I'm going
to the fashion show.

Hey.
Uh...

Is that
what you're wearing?

Yes, why?

Well, it's just...
Never mind.

Oh, no, no.

I mean...
What?

Well, something
about that outfit

that isn't working.

Spin.

Oh.

Yeah, I hate to say this;
it's the necklace.

Yeah, it's too much.

It clashes with
all the a-Dora-bleness.

Really?

I mean,
that's what I think.

But what do my people
know about fashion?

Well, you know what?

I'm gonna wear it anyway,
'cause I... I just love it.

I just would hate
for anything

to pull focus
from your big night.

Thank you, Buddy.

But it's not my night.

It's a night
to give to the sick

and the suffering.

Yes, it is.

Okay, Ashlee,
show time.

Now, remember,
I'll do the talking.

Just sit there
and don't say a word.

I get that request a lot.

Never in a wheelchair
on a public street,

but...

Actually, that's not true.

Oh, hey, Buddy!

Who's this?

Hi, Dora.
Oh, I'd like you to meet Stephanie.

I met her while
I was volunteering

at a hospice place.

Hi, Stephanie.

It's nice to meet you.

She's not deaf.
She's got cancer.

The bad kind.

We're talking weeks,
not months.

Oh,
I'm so sorry.

I'll put you
on my prayer list.

Oh, she likes
your necklace.

Yeah, it's very pretty,
isn't it?

Oh, you...
You want it?

Oh, Stephanie, it doesn't
belong to you, sweetheart.

It's Dora's.

Pick something else
for your dying wish.

Oh, no.

I mean, if she really wants it...

Oh, no, we'll get her
some ice cream or something.

No, no, no.
I want you to have it.

I mean, if it's okay
with you.

Who am I to stand
in the way

of such a
beautiful gesture?

Here we go.

Oh, so sweet.

God bless you,
Stephanie.

Gog bess ooo.

Gog bess us all.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Okay, models,
this is it.

Places!

Russell.

Remember, Joyce,
no waving

to friends
in the audience.

For once in your life,

pretend to be unobtainable.

Good Lord.

Good Lord.

Why is Dora
wearing a tablecloth?

Locked door.

What a dick.

Shit!

Ow.

She's walking on sunshine.
Oh-oh!

And we're all
starting to feel good.

Alden.

What?
Nothing.

It's an alert from
the security company.

Someone tripped the silent alarm
at the funeral home.

Come on.

Give me your
handkerchief.

My skin tag's
bleeding.

Damn it.

Oh god, nip.

Dead nip.

Old dead nip.

Responding to a 10-25
at Schlagel Funeral Home.

Shh.

Ooh, spring has sprung.

And Mabel is gonna
have you sprung

when she's walking down the
streets of Ladner in this top.

Dora, I am so sorry.

I had no idea
those were...

clothing.

They look great,
though, don't you think?

Oh, yes, my ponchos
make wonderful tablecloths.

How can I
make it up to you?

You know what?
Don't worry about it.

No pity parties here.

I'm just happy to support
the charity in any way that I...

Really, Jerry?

Use a flippin' napkin!

Here.

You might want to put that
over table six.

All right,
so, officer.

Once the call came in,

what was your
response time?

A minute and a half.

What did you do,
stop for a meal?

As far as I can tell,
nothing's missing.

You must've scared
them off.

Or... or they're
hiding somewhere.

Well, there's only one place
they could be hiding.

The coffin.

No, sir!

In this establishment,

we have respect
for the deceased.

Well, your work here
is done.

You can get back
to napping in your car.

Copy that.

You had to build
that low-income housing.

Oh, so the break-in now
is my fault?

How do you manage
to blame everything on me?

If the shoe fits.

Before you brought in
those poor people,

there was no crime
in this town.

It didn't exist.

Like our love life.

Here we go again.

Well, it's true.

We haven't had relations
in three years.

Not even a birthday beej?

Let's face it, Hilva,

neither of us is happy.

Maybe we should
consider counseling.

What, and tell some
Jewish woman our problems?

No, thank you.

Well, if you don't want to
try counseling,

then maybe we should
just get a d...

No.

Don't even
think about it.

I will not become
the Baxters,

airing our dirty laundry

in front of
the whole world.

I just don't know how long

I can keep up this charade.

I do.

Until you're in
one of these coffins.

Let's never be like them,
Ruby.

By day, you know Joyce
as a bank teller,

but by night,
you'll be telling

this Ladner lovely
how money she looks

in this classic
but chic ensemble.

Aww.

She's a floral vision as she
walks the runway tonight.

Thank you, Joyce.

I put the necklace back on Ruby

and headed to the fashion show,

happy to be out of that coffin,

and more importantly,
out of danger.

Let me just say
if Giselle were here,

she would be Gisell-ous.

And now for our
grand finale:

The heart and soul
of the Ladner fashion scene,

and owner of Boutique Alexa,

Open Monday through Saturday,
10:00 to 6:00.

Don't park behind
Ladner Beer and Wine,

or they will tow you...

Ms. Alexa Cummings!

Tonight, Alexa is wearing
a stunning...

poncho?

Okay, this is happening.

Who says fashion
can't be pragmatic?

This spiffy poncho is perfect
for church or Bingo.

You bing-go girl.

And we are very fortunate

to have the designer
in the house tonight.

Give it up for
our very own Dora Winston.

- Dora!
- Um...

Thank you.

Just FYI,

this is just one of many items

available at my online store,
a-Dora-ble Notions.

Lifestyle designs
for the modern woman,

handmade by
Dora herself.

That's me.

Bye!

So Macaroni Junction
to celebrate?

Yes, I will get us a table
in the caboose.

Toot-Toot!

Oh, give me a sec.
I'll see you guys there.

- Okay.
- Hey.

That was a real nice
thing you did,

giving that cancer girl
your necklace.

I know it meant
a lot to you.

Yeah, but it meant
more to me to see her happy.

You know, besides,
it's just a material thing.

It can be replaced.

You're a good one,
Dora Winston.

Thanks.
All right.

In fact, the necklace
had been replaced

by an even better
material thing:

Ruby's diamond ring.

And this baby was real.

Real enough to pay off Rico
and get rid of my blue balls.

Lookin' good, Tina.

Kenny.

When did you get out?

'Bout six weeks ago.

I didn't scare ya,
did I?

No.

Well, maybe a little.

I just didn't expect...

Me to ever find you?

Surprise.

You and me gotta talk.

Not here.

Meet me at the diner
on Route 30

tomorrow at 9:00.

Lookin' forward
to it.

Don't be late.