Impastor (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Genesis - full transcript

People kill themselves
for lots of reasons.

Me?
I just have two.

* How lucky can one guy be? *

All I need is one day.
Hand to God.

I am getting a big inheritance
tomorrow from my Uncle Doug.

He made his money in tires.
High-end radials,

not that cheap crap.

Take his balls.

Whoa, whoa.
Can't we start with a pinky?

Guys, come on.

Oh, you a dead man, Buddy!



I don't have
long to live anyway.

Hey, LeeAnne, you know how
you're always saying

- we should take a vacation?
- Mm-hmm.

Let's go.
Right now.

Oh, God, what did you do
this time?

Nothing. Look, I'll
take you to Vegas.

We'll sit by the pool.
I'll take you to some shows.

Buddy.

All right, look.
I'm in serious trouble.

There's some guys after me.
We gotta leave town.

How can you pull
this crap on me now?

You know that my mother
is coming to visit.

I'm sorry, baby.
But we gotta go.

- No.
- What?



Buddy, I love you, but I
can't live like this anymore.

LeeAnne, it'll get better.
I promise.

How many times
have you said that?

And it never does.

I'm sorry.

We're done.

I have nothing to live for.

Stop!

Don't!

Whatever the problem is,
it is not worth

killing yourself over.

How the fuck
do you know?

Wait, wait!

I-I know about despair.

A month ago
I had nothing.

No job, no friends,
or family to speak of.

Now I am on my way to
a new job in a new city.

Look, pal.
I'm gonna jump anyway.

There's no reason
to bore me to death.

The point is that
it is never too late

for redemption.

Have you thought about
asking God for help?

I don't believe
in God.

I am sorry you feel that way,
because God provides.

You just have to seize the
opportunities that he gives you.

Yeah, well,
maybe in my next life.

Good luck on the new gig.

No, no, please,
please, please.

What do you care?

You don't give a shit
about me.

Yes, I do.

I'll prove it.

Hey, what are you
doing, man?

I'm gonna come over
there so we can

both come back toge...

Oh, shit!

Oh, God!

Whoa!

God provides.
You just have to seize

the opportunities that
he gives you.

_

Hello?

Jonathan?

Hi, it's Dora.

Oh, my gosh, it's so nice
to finally hear your voice.

Just wondering where
you are.

Uh, St. Vincent Bridge.

Good, you're on schedule.

What do you say
I meet you at the house

tomorrow morning,
10 A.M.?

Why not?

What's that address again?

* I'm goin' up the country *

* Baby,
don't you want to go? *

* I'm goin' up the country *

* Baby,
don't you want to go? *

* I'm goin' to some place
where I've never been before *

* I'm gonna leave this city *

* Got to get away *

* I'm gonna leave this city *

* Got to get away *

* All this fussin'
and fightin', man *

* You know I sure
can't stay *

My plan was to take over
Jonathan Barlow's life

for a few days
till I figured out my next move.

Or until I got caught.

Which could be a matter
of seconds.

Well, hello, there.

I'm Dora.

Yeah, come on in.

You know, you're different
than I pictured you.

Yeah, how's that?

I don't know.
You're just...

You're more...
rugged.

- Thanks, I guess.
- Yeah.

Nice place.

Ahh, I'm so glad
you like it.

We hope you enjoy living
here for a long, long time.

Wait...
this is mine?

Yes, I specified in my emails
that we would provide housing.

One of the perks
of the job.

So tell me more
about this job.

Oh, I imagine it's pretty
much like your last one.

So, if you'll
follow me.

In here is
my office area.

As your assistant,
I am usually here from 9 to 5.

But I have my own key, so you
don't have to worry about me.

You like birds, huh?

You know me already.

Listen, I don't mean
to be too forward,

but do you think that
you could give me

a sneak preview of what you're
gonna talk about on Sunday?

- Talk about?
- In your sermon, Reverend.

- Jesus Christ.
- I assumed that,

but what aspect?

I think I'd rather
leave it a surprise.

A man of mystery.

I like it.

So, what do you say?

You ready to meet
the church staff?

Ready as I'll ever be.

* The only one
who could ever reach me *

* Was the son
of a preacher man *

* The only boy
who could ever teach me *

This is Alden Schmidt,
he is our Church President.

Alexa Cummings,
she's the Treasurer.

And Russell Kerry,
he is our Secretary.

Uh, Reverend Barlow...

Oh, he prefers
Jonathan.

Actually, you can
just call me Buddy.

It'll be easier
for all of us to remember.

Well, um, as you may know,
uh, Buddy,

we have spent
the better part of a year

searching for
Pastor Willis' replacement.

So we're very excited
that you're here.

Super excited.

Still, we need to talk about
what happened in Florida.

What do you mean?

Well, the... the problem
that you had

with your last
congregation.

We appreciate you being
up-front with that.

Oh, yeah, well, honesty
is the best policy,

especially for a man
of the cloth...

which is what I am.

I, for one, think you
were very courageous.

It can't be easy for
a religious leader to come out.

Of what?

Oh, that. Yes.

Don't worry, you won't
face any harassment here.

We are very proud
to have a gay pastor.

And super excited.

That being said, again,

we are a conservative
congregation and we prefer

to uphold the tradition of
Ladner Trinity Lutheran Church.

Uh, what tradition is that?

Well, uh, the gay men
and the lesbians

be allowed to serve
as clergy as long as

they remain
sexually inactive.

Not a problem.

Oh, so you're not planning
on engaging in any...

homosexual activities?

You have my word.

Excellent.

All right, come on then.
We'll take you on the tour.

Okay.

Not everyone feels
that's a hard and fast rule.

Okay.

"LeeAnne, please forgive me.
I had no choice. Buddy."

We found that in the front
seat of his vehicle

tucked into his wallet.

I can't believe he
jumped off the bridge.

Really?

Oh, St. Vincent is
the second most popular place

to commit suicide
in the country.

People come from
all over to do it.

Some even take a bus
or a cab just to...

Tim.

Had Mr. Dobbs shown any
signs of depression lately?

No, but he was scared.

He said some people
were out to get him.

What people?

I don't know.

Even if he jumped, it doesn't
mean for sure he's dead.

- Right?
- The fatality rate is 98%.

When he hit the water he was
going 86 miles an hour,

so there's a good chance
his neck would have snapped

or his skull
would have been crushed.

Tim.

The good news is, between
the sharks and the tide,

we're probably never
gonna find his body,

so you're not gonna have
to see how mangled he got.

That's your idea
of good news?

If we have any further
developments,

we'll give you a call.

You call.

Not him.

I knew I couldn't fool
these people for long,

so I figured I'd empty
Barlow's bank account,

and get out of here
as fast as I could.

But first I had to crack
his password.

Jonathan, my friend,
looks like you had a good life.

Sorry it had to end.

Now how the hell do I get
your money?

_

Come on, Rusty.

Come in.

- Hi-ya.
- Hi.

Marla Simmons,
a congregant,

is here to see you.

She says that it's
a personal matter.

Send her in.

To your bedroom?

Uh, no, that would
be wrong.

Where did Pastor Willis
meet people?

In the study.

Let's do it there.

It's my son Jasper.

I think he's headed
on a path to Satan.

That sounds kind of dark.

I found this
in his room.

I think it's marijuana.

High quality too.

How do you know that?

Missionary work
in Jamaica.

I'm scared, Reverend.

Jasper has always been
such a good boy.

But lately he's got problems.
He needs help.

Look, just because your son
scored a bag of

what appears to be
Blue Dragon Ultimate Kush

doesn't mean he's on a path
to Satan.

It's not just that.

I came home and found him
having relations with...

A girl?

A woman?

Boy?

Cantaloupe.

Cantaloupe?

I'm... I'm sorry,
how does one...

He said if you bore
a hole in the fruit,

and put it in the microwave,

it provides a sensation
of being with a woman.

That works?

I don't know.

I just thought maybe
you could talk to him,

- set him straight.
- Me?

He needs a male role model,
please.

Okay.

I'll give it a shot.

Well, thank you.

What should I do
with this?

You don't need to deal
with this burden.

Leave it with me.

Hello?

_

Oh, my God.

They got everything, my iPhone,
my laptop, Buddy's TV.

Clearly whoever did this isn't
aware of Mr. Dobbs' demise.

I'm afraid
they might come back.

They always do.

And that's when things
get really ugly.

Um, who said you could
take one of my sodas?

I told you
not to bring him.

I have to.

He's the Captain's nephew.

Listen, I know
you've been having

a really tough
time lately.

If you ever need to talk
or maybe get a drink...

Are you shitting me?

My apartment is trashed,

the man I love is dead because
I wasn't there for him,

and you're hitting on me?

Dude...

inappropriate.

The melon banger's weed
was primo.

I thought about all that had
gone down in the last 24 hours,

and my mind kept
coming back to one thing.

I had to let LeeAnne know
I was all right.

LeeAnne...
it's me.

I'm alive.

LeeAnne?

I saw your light on.

Hey, how's it going?

Yeah, I'm sorry
to bother. I...

Are you okay?

Your eyes are very red.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'm just... I'm tired.

May I come in?

Oof, what's that smell?

Uh, I think it's a skunk.

Boy, must be right
under the house, huh?

Yeah, why don't you
have a seat?

- Oh, thanks.
- What can I do for you?

Well, it's my daughter
Isabella.

She and her husband have
been having terrible

financial difficulties.
It's affecting their marriage.

She says they fight
all the time now.

Oh, that sucks.

Well, I am one who believes
that in times of crisis

it's God's word
that pulls us through.

- Yes.
- And I was hoping

that you could help
by giving them some scripture.

Some what?

Scripture.

Oh, scripture.
Sure.

I love that stuff.
It's awesome.

Reverend, could you give
Isabella a passage

from the Bible, please?

Yes, I can do that.

I just... I don't
have a Bible.

Oh, good.
There's one.

I know just the passage.

Here.

I think she'll find this
very helpful.

All right.

At... Well... this is...

it's just a list of people
who begat other people.

What has that got to do with
Isabella's financial problems?

I can't do all the work,
my son.

I had a feeling
Schmidt was onto me.

But I couldn't run
with no money,

and I still hadn't cracked
Barlow's password.

So I thought I'd take one of
his credit cards for a test run.

I'm sorry, I can't swipe
a credit card

without a picture ID.

It's okay, Chelsea,

you can make an exception
in this case.

This is Reverend Barlow,
our new Minister.

I'm sorry, Reverend.
Um, I-I didn't know.

Not a problem.

Throw 100 in cash
in there too, okay?

Thanks, Alexa.

You remembered.

How could I forget?

Here you go.

Oh, bless you.

So, I have to ask,
why would a good looking,

young Minister choose
Ladner of all places?

We're in the middle
of nowhere.

Well, let's just say
when the man upstairs

tells you where to go,
you don't argue.

Well, I'm so glad
you listened.

So am I.

Oh, hey... you.

Funny we should run
into each other.

I was just gonna
invite you to dinner.

- Dinner?
- You eat, don't you?

And I cook.
So, kismet.

It'll be a great way
for you to meet

some members of
our community.

Oh, so there's gonna
be other people there?

Yes, silly, I'm not
asking you on a date.

And we should get
together too.

As Head of the Welcoming
Committee, it is my job

to make sure you
feel at home here.

I thought Dora was Chairman
of the Welcoming Committee.

We're Co-chairs.

Well, I should get going.

I'll, um, see you around.

Bye.

What are you doing?

He plays for my team.

I am not so sure
about that.

I'm not so sure
about those shoes.

I'm telling you, there is
something off with this guy.

We all know that you were
against hiring a gay pastor.

No, it's not that.

He didn't even seem to know
what scripture was.

Or maybe you're just looking
for any excuse

to find fault with him.
Excuse me.

Or maybe hiring someone
sight unseen over the Internet

was a bad idea.

Do you wanna spend another year
looking for a new pastor?

Because I don't.

Now, I have been corresponding
with Reverend Barlow

for weeks and all
of my instincts tell me

that he is a good man.

Yes, and we all know how good
your instincts about men are.

Alden Schmidt,
for a Christian,

you can be very hurtful.

Oh, Dora.

You make a fine
three bean salad.

Yes, I do.

Jasper, Reverend Barlow's here.

Didn't you hear me?

You see,
he just ignores me.

Why don't you give us
a minute alone?

Hello, Jasper.

So you're the new homo pastor

everyone's got
such a hard-on for?

It's nice to meet you, too.

Your mom came to me because
she's concerned about you.

You mean concerned I'm
banging cantaloupes, right?

Among other things.

Why do you think
you do that?

'Cause mangoes are too small

and watermelons
fall apart too easy.

But why fruit?

This may shock you, Rev,

but despite my movie star looks,
I don't get a lot of ass.

So why not?

Because it's freaking out
your mother

and she seems like
a decent lady.

Yeah, well, she's
a controlling, neurotic bitch!

You have any idea how lucky
you are to have

a parent in your life?

I cannot wait to get away
from that woman.

Yeah, when is
that happening?

Soon as I finish
high school.

61 days.

Okay.

This is how
it's going down.

When you leave this house
you can smoke weed

and pound all
the produce you want.

But for the next 61 days,

you're gonna be a model son.

And why is that?

Because you may
not know this,

but there's a special
place in hell

for little snot-nosed
bastards

who disrespect
their mothers.

And if you don't start
treating her better,

I will personally use
all my clout with the big guy

to make sure you fry
your ass off for all eternity.

You can't do that.

Oh, no?
Try me, you little shit.

What's it gonna be, Jasper?

Two months of good behavior

or eternal fucking damnation?

You don't sound like
any preacher I've ever met.

I'll take that as
a compliment.

And you sure don't
seem gay.

Well, I don't know what
you think a gay person

is supposed to seem like,

but make no mistake,

I like cock.

Come on, Jesus, be the password.

Hey, thought you
were gone.

Oh, no, just ducked
out for a sec.

Oh, I'll get that
for you.

Oh, no, no,
that's okay.

You...

Why are you heating up
a cantaloupe?

And why is there
a hole in it?

Why do you think?

To put ice cream in it?

Yes!

Yum.

Huh.

I wonder what
this is about.

My time was up.
I had two choices:

tell the truth
and face murder charges

when no one believes
my story,

or make a run for it.

Buddy?

Hey,
I saw this wounded bird.

I was gonna pray over it.

Oh, no.

It's okay.
He walked it off.

May we have a word please?

Yeah.

This is my son-in-law
Michael.

Uh, he has something
to say to you.

You tell everyone
you're a pastor?

But I know what
you really are.

You do?

You're a psychic.

I mean, how else
could you know?

- Know?
- That Isabella and I were

fighting over when
to have a baby.

That's what you meant
by giving us

that Bible passage,
right?

That the time is now?

So you got that, huh?

Ooh, I'll get it.

I've been telling her
that you can't let money

decide when you
start a family.

But it took your passage
to convince her.

I had to come over
and thank you.

You're welcome.

What did you say
to my son?

Uh, just some stuff.

Do you know what he did
after you left?

He said he was sorry.

Then he hugged me.

He hasn't done that
in years.

You're a miracle worker.

Oh, now now.

I'm just God's
humble servant.

And to think, some people
weren't even sure

you were qualified.

Gloating is unbecoming,
Dora.

Yes.
Yes, just...

feels so good.

It is such a blessing
to have you here, Reverend.

Oh, that's funny.

That's the word that
you always use

in your emails,
blessing.

And suddenly, I knew
Jonathan Barlow's password.

12,400 bucks.

Not a fortune, but enough
to hit the road with.

But where should I go?

Back to the city
and all my debts?

Some place as far away
as possible?

- Hello.
- Buddy?

It's Russell.

You've got
the whole town buzzing.

About what?

All the good you've been doing.

Everyone's just so happy
you're here.

You know what?

So am I.

Maybe the real Jonathan Barlow
was right.

Maybe it is never too late
for redemption.

Even for a screw-up
like me.

- Hello?
- Hi, it's Alexa.

I wanted to plan
a big welcoming party

and I'd love to get
your input.

Are you free?
Can I come over?

Uh, sure.

Stop it.

You are a gay pastor,
and she is one of your flock.

This is just about
a welcoming party.

Hello, Buddy.

* I'm goin' up the country *

* Baby,
don't you want to go? *