I'm a Virgo (2023): Season 1, Episode 7 - A Metaphor for What - full transcript

Cootie and his friends are in the aftermath of their heist; Jones takes The Hero on a psychedelic trip.

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Split up,
and meet me at my house.

Good morning, it's 5:00 AM. Earlier tonight,
a terrorist attack at the power plant

destroyed the plant's regulator.
Security cameras were disabled.

Authorities are still
looking into the vandals

and officials still do
not know who was involved.

This one's alive too.
No response, catatonic.

What the fuck happened, man?

Somebody dose him to
get to the regulator?

Are those footprints?

What the...

So I say to the guy,
"What is this? Johnny on a pony?"

And he says...






♪ Boyoyoyoyoyoyoying! ♪



- Boyoyoyoyoying...
- Boyoyoyoyoying










Boyoyoyoyoying, boyoyoyoyoying,

Boyoyoyoyoying, boyoyoyoyoying...



One, two, three, hit it!

♪ Congratulations,
You the one, boy ♪

♪ You sparked a light up on the world ♪

♪ We raised you to be a fighter ♪

♪ You shine just like a Jheri curl ♪

♪ You up the ante, make the
whole world drop their panties ♪

♪ 'Cause you... ♪♪

Why, what, what, what, what,
why you bringing up panties?

It's a metaphor.

- Metaphor for what?
- Just something that people can relate to.

Panties, revolution.
Big drawers. Parachute.

Baby. We are so proud of you.

I had to break open the
protective dome with my bare hands

because these Electro-Brapapaps,
they broke after three hits.

Yeah, well.

Y'all didn't have to go
through the sewer like we did.

I think that fucked me up more than almost
losing my life in a high speed chase.

Where y'all totaled my car!
It's my baby, man!

What the hell were y'all
doing driving, anyway?

You're like six inches tall!

We the reason why no police
follow y'all back home, bitch.

- It's not their fault.
- Right, it's your fault.

My car was just collateral
damage in your shit.

- You saying that it's about my ego?
- Yeah.

It's a valid point. I mean, I,
I don't agree...

Well if you don't agree,
then you think that it's incorrect.

- No, I'm just saying it's...
- Yes. An incorrect point

- is not a valid point by definition.
- A valid point is a valid point.

That doesn't mean that...

- What you should say is...
- The point has to be true,

- it's just valid.
- "He's wrong about it

being about your ego."

- But why would I say that?
- Just say that...

I'm saying I agree
that it's a valid point

and I agree that it's
not about your ego...

Then just say that
it's not a valid point.

- But I agree that the point is...
- It doesn't make sense

to agree to that because you should just
say it's not about my ego.

I don't have the ego.

You going off the deep end, bro.

- Okay, well, let's celebrate.
- Yeah, let's have a good time.

Because tonight we brought
everybody's power back on, right?

And, and, and after this, posters.
There's posters that we can,

we can, we can post them up together
because we have to get the message out.

And there's different ones
and they're cool, too.

And I just need help putting them up.
And you guys can help me hand these out.

- What. What...the fuck?
- Bro. Are you kidding me?

What the fuck is going on?

Calm down.

H... Hold on... hold on, let me think.

Oh, so they can just replace the
regulator as soon as we destroy it?

- The fuck is that?
- Breech in sector one.

- I don't know.
- Breech in sector one.

I thought you said nobody would know who
did it until after we announced it.

- I'm a giant, not a psychic.
- Somebody out there.

Is that The Hero?

There's no need to panic.
You're in a nearly impenetrable fortress.

Fuck you mean nearly?

Yeah. Excuse me, ma'am.
What does nearly mean?

- Ma'am?
- Hey man, relax.

Bro. Do you know who that is?

Hey man, just be quiet.
You fuckin' us up.

You supposed to pull one of these things
off the wall and handle business.

Shut the fuck up!

You supposed
to be the leader, right?

I don't really hear you
talking too much now.

Okay, okay, okay! You guys
need to leave right now.

How are we gonna leave?

There is a billionaire tech mogul outside
with rocket launchers!

And, and I'm not even the
homie with the car no more.

- That was my one power!
- There's a passage down here.

Hurry up. Come on.
Come on. Hop in. Hurry, hurry.

Bear, do not eat that brownie, okay?

Fuck you make this
place out of, huh? Love?

Once you go down and
around, you gon' end up downtown.

You're a weird guy.
Hey Flora, you coming?

Hey. I'm not going anywhere,
I'm not leaving you here.

Somebody needs to help Felix
and the Lower Bottom folks out.

Flora, you're the only
one who has powers, okay?


Yeah, yeah. Okay.

- Flora, let's go.
- Go, go...

- Okay.
- Be safe, okay? I love you, too.

Want you to know,
we proud of you.

You took it upon yourself to become
the man that you needed to be.

The whole idea was to show people
that we can win something.

That we can do something to change things.

It seems like we're fighting
just to say we're fighting now.

Do you see how quickly they
put the fucking regulator back on?

This is stupid.

I mean, if we, even if we win against
The Hero, what is winning now?

Stop talking! We need to act!

Okay, okay.
Let, let's talk about actions.

20 years you guys hide and
then you blame it on me

and you don't do anything besides
sit there and theorize some...

I made all these weapons
you about to use right now.

They don't even work, Dad!
This is a fucking phone on a headband!

I made those before the
iPhones even came out.

I don't trust y'all.

The only person that's knowledgeable,

that I can think of, who will
talk to me straight, is Jones.

She was right about this heist.

Nah, Jones with that half-assed shit.
Let me tell you somethin'...

We had to keep you trapped inside.

To keep your ass alive.
And yeah, we lied to you.

Because you needed to be lied to.

We couldn't have made
this happen otherwise!

I understand if you don't trust us...

But this is how it had to be!

Okay? I'm not gonna say what
you wanna hear right now.

So you wanna do things
your way? Go to Jones.

Jones is wonderful.

Go to her.

- Stop interrupting me!
- Attention. That's whatchu' want.

- I mean, consideration.
- That's what the fuck, okay.

Yo. You talk all this big shit
about working together

and keeping us all connected, but you act
like what you do doesn't affect me.

- I wanna know you think about me.
- Look, come here.


Hell no! It's not fair.

You win the arguments and we both lose.


I need your help.


I told you that Band Aid shit won't work.

It's not just about changing shit,
it's how we change it.

I just thought I could...
give people inspiration to fight.

You know?
Like show 'em we have power.

Look over there.

We're shuttin' shit down
at the source of power.

This general strike is growing all over!

Cootie, get outta here!

Great Polypheme.
Let us help you. Quick, come inside.

Come! Quickly, quickly, this way.
Let us help you. In here.

Hey. Hey!

Hey, what the fuck?

What the fuck? Hey!
What are you doing?

- What the fuck?
- Get the eye!

The Great Polypheme.

"Shall sacrifice one eye to save us all."

- Sam sticky note number 32.
- No! No! Fuck you!

We didn't think you'd
come to us soon...

But here we are!

With this eye...

The Great Polypheme
will impart on us, his wisdom,

his sight, his virility.

Heart, head, hands feet,

as long as I push there's no defeat.


- Sorry. We love you Great Polypheme!
- Cootie. Watch out.

No. Stay down!

- It's time for a replay. You ready?
- What's your endgame?

Shut the fuck up.

You're not, you're not a killer, Cootie!

Please, please.

- Call me Thug One.
- Fine, Thug One. Fine.

No, it sounds stupid when you say it.
You call me Cootie. Call me Cootie!

I, I did. I just called you Cootie,
but you just told me to call you Thug One.

- That's what you wanted to go by.
- Get to the point. Get to the point!

Okay, okay. Look, look,
I'm, I'm, I, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I, I was, I was wrong.

I needed the world to see a real
super villain, and to see me defeat him.

But I, I, I misjudged you.

I, I misjudged what the world needs.

It doesn't need one.
It needs, it needs two!

Look, you and me,
right there, a dynamic duo.

You and me together, Thug One. Uh, Cootie.
You and me together. Cootie.

Putting a new face on justice. Together.
Together we can do anything.

- I just have one question for you.
- Oh, okay?

Why the hell, in issue
247 of The Hero...

Does Shalamo not have
the Incisor Lapel Emitter?

Think about it.

Do you have any idea how long

I have been waiting for
someone to point that out?

I didn't think anybody was ever
gonna get that, but you got it.

- That's a great question!
- I'm glad we worked this out, you know.

I don't wanna fight anymore.

Yeah, we can, we can,
we can work together.

I wanna work with you.
I've always wanted to work with you.

Let me tell you something.
You love comic books.

- So much.
- I love comic books.

- Fuckin' so much.
- Sometimes when I'm...

When I'm writing comic books,
I, I hide clues in plain sight.

Sometimes they don't lead to anything.

And sometimes, they lead to...

Pull your damn pants up.

You stay down.

I'm taking you to your specially
built prison. Don't stress.

They're just gonna sentence
you to a couple of decades.

Fuck you.

You'll learn a trade, make some new
friends, and maybe even find God.

Cootie! I gotchu', I gotchu'.

You fucking fascist, aluminum fuck!
You fuckin' bitch!

Show him your thing.

Your thing. The thing you do.

Hurry up. Before those
thoughts catch up to you.

My thoughts have caught up with me.
They tell me I'm right.

Let me explain why you're wrong.
Three minutes max.

- Why would I do that?
- You're fair. Lookin' to do what's right.

'Cause... You're a storyteller.
You'll appreciate this.

Okay. You got me.

Three minutes.
What's your opening line?

You're part of the
reason that crime exists.

- Conversation over.
- Just listen.

If I'm wrong,
you ain't got nothing to worry about.

Just at least show the people that...
you're a reasonable person.

'Cause you are.
You're the good guy. Right?


Capitalism must have
unemployment to exist.

The way the boss stops you
from asking for more money

is to threaten you implicitly
or explicitly with firing you.

If there were full employment,
people could ask whatever pay they want.

There'd be no one to replace them.

Publications like the Wall Street Journal

and Financial Times openly worry
when the unemployment rate goes too low

because wages go up,
profit and stock values go down.

Capitalism must have an army of
unemployed workers in order to exist

and what do you have when you have
an army of unemployed workers?

You have an army of unemployed
workers who want to eat.

And humans are not gonna
let themselves just starve.

So they get involved...
in illegal business.

You're leaving
out assaults. Murder.

All business, legal and illegal,
uses violence to regulate itself.



If you try to run out of the grocery store
with a cart full of groceries,

either you're gonna get away with it
or someone's gonna physically stop you.

Whether it's
the security or the police.

If say a hotel
neighboring the MCI building

decided they wanted to tear down
your building to make a golf course,

- you'd use violence...
- Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

This is where the law steps
in to make things civilized.

- I have a deed showing my ownership.
- Right. So you show the deed.


The only reason that
piece of paper is worth anything

is because it implies that
men with guns are gonna come

to physically enforce
the words written on it.

Those men with guns are called police.

The paper is a placeholder
for the violence.

Illegal business doesn't have these.

Illegal business practitioners
can't go to court and say,

Your honor, I was supposed
to be buying a whole key of cocaine

from the defendant.
Clearly this is half baking soda.

I demand restitution.

I, I've never seen this
cocaine before in my life.

They can't go to the
zoning commission and say,

"That neighborhood is only
zoned for two heroin vendors.

Unless that guy
has a special emergency permit

or wants to limit himself
to cocaine."

Often, legality or illegality,
is the only thing that determines

whether business dealings
are considered violent.

You're gonna need this

In the 1920's when
liquor was illegal...


Go! Motherfucka, go!

If you rob the liquor dude,
gangsters come after you.

Ha ha ha. Motherfucka!


Now that liquor is legal, if you rob
the liquor dude, police come after you.

In the 1990's...

When weed was illegal...
Pick up the bag.

Hey, get the fuck on
the fucking ground, bitch!

I'm not fucking with you!

If you robbed the weed dude,
gangsters come after you.

Hey! Hey everyone.

Now that weed is legal...

Hey everybody, pretty please,
can you just get the fuck on the ground?

Thank you so much. Not you. Get up.

If you rob the weed dude,
police come after you.

So... [soft panting[

Capitalism necessitates
unemployment and poverty,

which necessitates illegal business.

The regulation of which
is what causes violence.

How do you

tell the whole working class...

That poverty and violence are
necessitated by capitalism

without them deciding
to get rid of capitalism?

You don't.

You tell them poverty is due
to bad choices of those impoverished.

But how do you tell
the whole working class

that their economic situation
is due to their poor choices?

You don't.

You tell them that it's the
other that's making bad choices.

That is the culture of the
other that causes this.

You do this via the
news, sitcoms, cop shows,

and superhero shows.

Even when they're smart
enough to hide their point.

This causes part of the working
class, even the so-called others,

to identify with the ruling class.

A group of us are trying
to change this whole thing.

If you wanted to stop so-called crime
and the violence that grows from it...

You'd be a revolutionary.

But you're not.

You're a tool that
helps capitalism run smoothly.

A system that creates poverty and
the crime and violence necessitated by it.

Man, lock yourself up.

Hey. I told you I shoulda' stayed.

How did you know this would work?

I'm a...