I'm a Virgo (2023): Season 1, Episode 3 - Paco Rabanne - full transcript

Cootie experiences dating for the first time as he and Flora hit up the town. Flora's speedy movements are actually a superpower of her own that she's had to keep hidden; Scat is wounded on his minibike.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
So, then she's all like,
stay in a situationship.

- I know about situationships.
- Hmm. I think I like relationships better

- even though I've never been in one.
- Whoa man, too fast.

- Well, I'm a Virgo. I'm organized.
- I'm a Pisces.

- I'm good at being alone.
- Would you mind being alone around me?

Don't try to be smooth.

Okay... try.

I like it.

Oh shit... that's my dude.

That's your dude?

♪ I'm gonna creep up on ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna creep up on ya...

The law holds us together.
That's what makes community.

Poo-butts are trying
to stop lawful eviction down there.

We can stop this eviction,

the police move the furniture out
and we move it right back in.

We can hold out for an order
from the judge, and buy time.

Auntie, you good?
We've got you all right?

We can't let them put
everybody on the street.

Hey yo Greg! Chill!

We're not gonna let
you kick us out of our homes!

No, no, no no.

- Spotlight
- Zippity zoom, sir.

Put down the furniture,
you're illegally trespassing.

This is a lawful eviction.

- Hey, stop.
- I repeat.

- Leave us alone.
- Oh shit. No, no, no you guys,

no, we have a right to be here.
We have a right to be here.

I repeat, put down the furniture.

- The Hero?
- Yes.

Yeah. I, I really do
hate that dog whistle slogan.

You know the
"get your mind right halfwits".

Mmm, he says that to criminals,
and he's saying that they're redeemable.

"Get your mind right",
and change is possible.

He's for justice.
And I'm with that.


Well, you're committed.

My mom's really good at sewing.

- She doesn't really like the hero, but...
- But she's a fan of you.

Wait, wait.

You've, is this, is this your
first time at a restaurant?

You've seen me at, at Bing-Bang.

Oh. But like,
like a, like a sit down place.

Like a, like, it doesn't
have a drive-through?

Okay. After this, there's
this place you gotta try.

- Right now?
- Mmhmm

That's two dates in one night.

They just brought out
the Cajun crab legs.

Chase the cacio e pepe with
the chicken Tikka Marsala.

Pro tip: the people who own
this place are Cantonese.

So, the Yang Chow fried rice,
is where it's at.

- Wow. You know a lot about your food.
- Uh...

Oh. I don't know if I've known anybody
who could eat as much food as I can.

And I, I eat a lot.

Well, don't let the Bing-Bang Burger
fool you. I'm, I'm a chef.

Yeah. I'm taking a, you know, like
a different route to get healthy,

delicious, cheap cuisine to,
uh millions of people.

And get people to like
slow down and stop...

Yeah, stop what they're doing
when they take a bite.

I'm gonna make culinary history.

Yeah. You said before you grew up alone?

- No friends?
- Kids on TV, TV friends.

- Yeah.
- I'm mean, yeah. I'm glad I'm...

I'm not so lonely anymore.

- I get it. Special ain't so spectacular.
- We're all special.

Like, how you're so fa...

The doctor says
she's having convulsions

but I think it's something else.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

She's moving so fast she
probably doesn't know we're here.

You're not gonna help me?

Mom and dad, please read this 20 times.

Trace your finger along as you read.
This is an experiment.

This is an experiment to see if I can

slow down my hearing and speech
so that I can talk to you,

to see if we can find-

Mom and Dad...


loveeee youuu...

sooooo much. I -

You're gonna live with your father.
He and I have different views

on taking care of your needs
and we don't do disagreements well.

It's time for me to find out who I am,
and do some things.

We'll still get our time in, tough girl.

I promise.

... aast

I'm not fast.
You're just... slow.

You didn't eat your, um,
paella or the schnitzel.

Um, I'm gonna go now.

Um, you know, I had a
really good time tonight.

- I'll see you tomorrow?
- Okay.

Okay. What the fuck?
Hey, yo, what the fuck?

Hey, so I mean, it sound like
you played it off, like cool as hell.

Her mind moves fast and
she knows what she wants.

I wish I was as sure about
anything as she is about-

Hey, wait, so when y'all kicking it again?

- Tonight
- Tonight?

Hey, you know what that mean, right?

You know that's, that, that
drizzle on the whizzle.

That's that next day sex day.

You know what happens the second time if
it didn't happen on the first time, right?

Oh, uh huh.

Oh. Oh, uh huh, uh huh.

But, you've got a lot of practice right?
By yourself all these years?

So that's, that's good.

Why are you still using my conditioner?

I told you this shit's expensive.

I got my own,
I don't use that funky ass shit.

You know, it's not like
I'm worried or anything.

- You know?
- Bo-oi-oing, what's good?

- What up?
- What's up? Good.

- What up, Cootie?
- What's up man?

Whatever man, look, we're
going to Toon-Town or what?

Aw damn, that was today.

Uh, damn bro we posted up.
So, let's go tomorrow.

- Came all the way down here, man.
- Damn hey, come here.

Hey bro, my fault.

Look, Cootie just, he's kicking it with
Flora for the second time tonight.

- Wait, Cootie called her?
- Yes.

So, he just needed,
you know what I'm saying?

Some advice, from somebody
with a little more experience.

Hey, all right Cootie.
Aw, shit.

Hey look, I'm gonna see y'all later then.

I'm a get something for you all right?
Watch what I'ma have for you bro.

- What you mean?
- Bro just watch.

Look Felix, I'm out of here.
Get this rubber.

Cootie get you some pussy dog.

Five minute break.

- Hey, what you got? Fleas or something?
- I think I'm getting a rash.

- Hey, what are these clothes made of?
- What ballers buy nowadays.

Hey bro, that's probably just
acne from never busting a nut.

I love this.

- But...Hrm...?
- What? Pitchforks?

- The butcher knife's too much?
- No, that's good.

You have the Eviction Defense
Committee as the saviors here.

Everybody's following us.

We're not the saviors.

We want the people to understand,
they save themselves.

Hmm. Someone's gotta lead though, right?

- Yes...
- I mean like, where's your Che Guevara?

Coming out the mountains?

A leader's job is
to create more leaders.

This doesn't do that.
The network has campaigns.

More leaders to lead where, though?

What you're doing here is not, it's not
really getting to the root of the problem.

So, we're, just so we're
on the same page...

What will?

The whole thing has to be torn down.
It'll take force and it won't be pretty.

And we gotta find the leader
that can set that example.

Look, I'm a communist.
I want the people to democratically

control the wealth we
create with our labor.

Yeah, that will take force.
But we need the people for that force.


They gotta know
where their power lies.

So, instead of just going
straight for the goal

you can, uh, electric slide
your way over there.

Yo, the people do love the electric slide...


So, next we're gonna
put this raw garlic paste on our skin,

and then you're gonna wanna really rub it in.

Softly, gently, but get it everywhere.

Now the garlic will have an odor.
So next, we're gonna put this paste...

That smells good,
that smells really good.

♪ Stop using my cologne ♪

♪ You need to buy your own ♪

♪ Get out of my cologne ♪

I'm not, I'm here cause
my toilet is clogged.

♪ Stay out of my cologne ♪

♪ You done and sprayed
it up too many damn times ♪

♪ Two sprays and you out
stay outta my cologne ♪♪

- What the hell happened here?
- Boy used half the Paco Rabanne.

- The Paco Rabanne?
- You know what that means.


So, if y'all do it do not embarrass
yourself and nut too quickly, okay?

She gonna laugh, she gonna
tell everybody that shit.

You not gonna get no action
for like, a few months at least.

Okay? They gonna call
you Five-Second-Felix.

- You gonna have to undo a bunch of-
- Felix? Why would they call me Felix?

Just, alright. So, anyway, when, you
know, when I feel like I'm about to nut,

I just yell Raiders.

- Really?
- Yep.

What does that do?

I mean, it's like, you know,
if you get overwhelmed

and you like, like you about to bust,
it's just, it distracts you, you know?

And, and it's Raiders, you know?
So, it's just raw as fuck.

Like just make you feel
like Marshawn or something.

- Like duh-nuh-duh-nuh.
- Marshawn Lynch?

You imagine Marshawn Lynch having sex
with the girl you're having sex with?

Look just, just try it right now. Okay?


- Raiders. No, no...
- Okay. Whoa. Louder.

- Just...
- Okay.

- Really throw it.
- Raiders.

I don't think I'm gonna do that.

So, every second you're
consciously slowing?

Yeah, I change my words and my walk.

Yeah, it's like, um, translating.

I have to change my facial expression
so people understand me.

But, um, check it, Let me, let me
show you why I brought you here.

I know how much you like bass.

Oh shit!


Um, another reason...

Another reason why I've,
I've brought you here.

I'm gonna...


Ive...I've had time to calculate
all the possible outcomes

from all the choices that
we make at this moment.

Yeah. The good news is, although
there are a lot of bad choices,

we can make and, yeah, terrible outcomes.

The, the best. Yeah.
The most probable outcomes are good ones.

You did all, you did all of that today?

The best possible outcome...

is extrapolated from us leaving now
and having sex.

Have sex?

My toilet is overflowing at home.

- Serious.
- All right Cootie man.

I'm gonna see you later, alright?
Watch what I'ma have for you bro.

- What do you mean?
- Just watch...

Felix eat my fucking dust.

Cootie, you're still my friend,
even if you don't get any pussy, okay?

What's good?

♪ Tell him that's the mission, yeah...

- What up?
- Yo, what's up.

So, think about it,
season four, episode four.

Two episodes prior,
submitted subsequent seasons,

but only one adjusted.

That's a good one, bro.

♪ Parking ticket ♪

♪ Parking ticket ♪

♪ Parking ticket
Parking ticket ♪

It's a slippery one, folks. With quite
the battering from the north east.

Expect a thick blanket of
snow in every part of town.

From the downtown flats,
to the hilltop mansions.

Yes, we're looking at a real doozy,
with no escaping the winter storm.

Whether you're young or old,
a king or a pauper, snow is falling.

As I speak on all creation...

it falls upon those who fought to attain
love, to keep love, to pass love down

from generation to generation.
Hoping that it would not wither away.

Snow falls on those who squandered love,
drove it away, or worse.

Those who for fear of losing love,
never experienced it at all.

Snow falls tonight also on those who never
had a chance to experience any of this.

It falls on those who perished before
they were able to pass life on

to the next generation.

To those whose timelines cease
while the worlds went on.

It falls on those whose life and joy

consists only of breathing
or crying or excreting.

And the soft touch of the
mothers breasts upon their lips.

It falls upon
those who would never know how unfair

the coil of fate can be, how cruel and
decimating to even the strongest of us.

Yes. Snow is falling and
falling all over town...

upon we the survivors and
upon those survived by us.


It's the last one.

Yeah I've got a friend who's
gonna love this thing, man.

- He's a giant.
- I know. Saw you on the news.

Hold on, got something to show you.

It's a lost episode.
You're lying man.

Broadcasted only once
before the FCC banned it.

Now all those poor people go into the ER.

So, it's true?

It caused existential
meltdowns causing people to laugh

and lose control of all motor functions
for the duration of the episode.

For 93.5% of viewers.

Damn. So, how you get a copy?

Oh my boy in Atlanta,
I had a hookup in Osaka

who knows a guy who has
a girl taped it on VHS

back in the day, took five
months to ship out a dub.

But be careful with it,
I watched it last Wednesday.

I woke up on Saturday with no memory
and I didn't feel right for a week.

- Damn.
- True fans only.

True fans only, man.

- Enjoy.
- Thanks man, yeah.


Ah, Shit.

Fuck, my fucking phone.


- Can I help you?
- I fell on my bike.

- You can take a seat
- Please, can you just take a look at it?

All right it really hurts.

I think, I think I need to see
a doctor or something, look.

Do you have insurance?

Sorry. Crown only takes people with
insurance, unless it's life threatening.

What? How you know it's not
life threatening? I mean...

Unless it's actively
bleeding, we can't take you.

You'll have to go to a county hospital.

Highland? That's what you're
talking about right now?

Lady, how the hell am
I supposed to get over there?

How am I supposed to get over there? Huh?

There's a bus stop
right across the street.

Look at this sticking out of my body.
Please nah man. Fuck that.

- Said you gotta go.
- Come on man, please!

Excuse me. May I use your phone?
Mine broke.

Well, you gonna use it or what?

I don't know nobody's number.


Hey! Yo, yo why didn't you call
me? Come on. Come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Come on bro just get in.

I know I know, I'm sorry, this
fucking door doesn't work. I'm sorry...


All right come on, come on,
come on. Come on bro.

Use your legs bro, use your legs.

Come on, come on we're almost
there we're almost there.

Help, help us!

Come on, come on, okay, okay okay.

Come on, use your, open
your eyes, open your eyes.

Yes, yes hey use your words Scat come on.
Help us! Fuck! Come on, hey!

- Fight the battle from us-
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, come on, Come on.
I know, I know.

- Snow... falling all of...
- Open your eyes.

Help us what the fuck!
Come on, open your eyes Scat.

Help! Help us!

It falls on those
who'll never know how unfair the coil of fate.

How cruel and decimating to
even the strongest of us.

Scat? Scat?

Yes, snow's falling
and falling all over town

on we the survivors and upon
those who are survived by us.

Take him, take him, take him,
take him. Take him, take him.