I'm a Virgo (2023): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Universe and My Spirit - full transcript

Cootie takes his first steps into the world and secures a job as a streetwear label mannequin. Learning the value of money, he struggles to earn it for his ongoing Bing Bang Burgers purchases, which are his way to spend time Flora.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
Yo, you gonna order?

You can go ahead of me.

75, your order's ready.

Order up.

- Welcome to Bing-Bang what can I...
- Excuse me. Um...

Welcome to Bing-Bang Burger.
What can I bop you with?

Can I please have 3 Bing...

I'll take one Bing-Bang Burger. Um...

...please. And thank you.

Anything else?

No, thank you? That's it?

And then you stepped aside?


I was reading that... that
love in a relationship

is built through knowing someone.


Pass that shit.

I wanna take my time, and move slow,

- and get to know her.
- Hold, wait, what, hold up.


One, everything you read
isn't applicable out here.

- Shit.
- I know, but, I think...

Two, you don't know this girl. How you
just gonna decide to build love with her?

Three, you brand new out here.
A relationship? Nah.

Keep it a situationship.

What's a situationship?

It's a situationship if you
hook up less than three times.

A relationship is three or more.


Okay, yeah. Who made that up?

Uh, the universe and my spirit. Okay?

If you see this girl at
the lake with someone new,

you're gonna feel some kind of way
if you had sex three or more times.

But if you had only did it twice...

Wait, I'm...

I'm kind of really high.

- I think I was in some sort of...
- Hey, that's that hot box.

It'll get you. Just open the window.

How you gonna tell him to open my
window in my room?

I need to figure out how to get money
to go to Bing-Bang tomorrow.

Bro, you ain't even
got money for a burger,

I don't know how you gonna
afford a girlfriend...

Don't listen to these fools, okay?
You don't need no damned money.

- Cap.
- You just need to be you.

You just need to lead with you.

Look her right in the eyes and
be like, say, "I want you."

I want you.

- Damn!
- With your eyes. Don't say that out loud.

Yo, shut up, shut up, shut up.
Watch this.

♪ Parking Tickets
Parking Tickets ♪♪

We waste away trying
to overcome the trauma,

anguish, heartbreak,

the agony of loneliness.

Love itself is forged by suffering

that we attempt to tuck into
the smalls of our backs,

but pain tells us we are alive,
and bumps in the road merely reveal

our advance over the tar and pebbles.

Let us aspire to cherish the
pain that is gifted to us.

It shapes the crests and crevices of love.

Revel in it.

Mm, beg for it.
Mm, it is our loot for the triumph

of making the maggots wait another day.


This shit is funny, dude.

That shit's anything.

This shit'll never get old, bro.

- This is like...
- That's my favorite character.

- Word?
- Yeah.

The IBS driver, for real?

- Yo, that's my guy, bro.
- Oh.

Ay, look. I'ma bring
you something, all right?

I'ma hook you up, bro.



It's one of the greatest
shows of all time.

You need money for what? You mean,
like, going back to the club and...

Hey, look, man. Check this out.

We don't give money to people
who don't follow our rules.

Okay? I told you not to do
it, and you did it anyway.

Now, you ain't ready.

And you gonna go out there and get
yourself killed and put on display.

Now see, if you pull back, they'll forget.

They won't forget.
Look, it's done. I'm out there, okay?

Can I hold some money
please? Just a little bit.

'Cause I didn't think about how

- things cost money out there.
- You know what?

You're welcome for the luxury
of being ignorant to that.

You know why you ain't know that?
'Cause I had to feed your big ass.

That's why you didn't know that. You think
the food is just walking up in here,

a loaf of bread got legs and
just walk up in the house?

Hell naw. I'm working for it, spending the
money, buying the food, and you eating it.

When you take a shit, I
gotta take a coat hanger

and chop the shit down in the toilet.
Nah, you don't know that.

You wanna go out there and make your own
rules? Pshh.

Get your own money.

What you lookin' at?

Oh, yes. Hey, Cootie. You are
going to love these. Oh my god.

What's up, Mo? How you doing, man?
Can I get this tequila back here too?

- This one right here?
- Yes, sirsky.

Let me see your ID.

Oh, yeah, I, um...

I'll get it.

I'm old enough.
And I'll take these too.

- So you got ID?
- Bro, are you kidding me?

Look how big this man is.
He gotta be at least 21.

I just turned 22, um...

I left my ID at the office.

Fuck, man.

Okay. I gotta do it for
the Twamp Monster, huh?

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Not you.

Wow, you just a hater. Alright, but..


$37 and...

30... 37.58?

Hey, bro, I'm tapped out.
I thought one of y'all was gonna...

The big man shouldn't
go thirsty or broke.

My name is Sam Spiegel. I'm an agent.

Like a spy?

Sam Spiegel, agent, sports,
talent, açaí products.

Fuck with me.

Let's get you paid playing pro sports.

People want you, bro. They need you.
The 40's are on me.

Then can I put these back?

Cootie, can you still
read that card in the dark?

Bing-Bang. Bing-Bang.

Oh, Jerry. Um..

I wanted to talk to you about those ideas.
The ones for upping our food game.

Right, so instead of iceberg
lettuce, we get baby bok choy.

Instead of normal diced onions,
we get grilled scallions,

and deep fried king trumpet mushrooms.
The people will go crazy.

We can change the way people eat.

You do realize this is a multinational
corporate chain, right?

Um... yeah.

Okay, here's what's gonna

I need everybody from here to, but not
including, the big guy in the back.

Hi. Um, when I call you forward,
step forward with your order,

saying it as quickly as possible,

handing me your money,
and stepping to the side.

- Double Bing and fries.
- One special with extra fries.

- Can I get two singles?
- Two Bing-Bangs.

One Bing-Bang, one cola.

Welcome to Bing-Bang Burger.
What can I bop you with today?

Can I have five
Bing-Bang Burgers, please?



Ooh, I don't wanna jinx it,
but I think I met a man who has money

for liquor and a girlfriend.

There'll be plenty more
where that came from.

What the hell's wrong
with these cushions?


Just um...

I like your button.

My button?

It looks like they used
a whiter white than usual.


What are you studying?

Twamp Monster. Hey.

Well, I'm studying because I think

the death penalty is a horrific thing,
and I wanna do something about it.

Like what?

It'll be a while until
it's abolished all over.


So I'm studying to be an executioner.


Capital punishment is such a horrific
thing. If I can, as an executioner,

change things up a a little bit,

making their deaths a little
less painful, that's a victory.

But they'll still be...

Most executioners use
the hardcourt method.

The prisoner lays down, they're strapped
in, they wrap the tourniquet,

and immediately inject at a
36-degree angle into the vein.

The Stavlisi Method is more humane.

The prisoner's strapped
in, tourniquet applied,

we place our left hand on the heart of the
prisoner, so they don't feel alone,

and then we inject at a more awkward for
us, but gentler for them, 20-degree angle.

I don't... I don't see how that...

Some people go for pie in the sky,
I just want practical solutions.

Man, what the fuck?

Aw, man.

Come on.

Am I still gonna get my

Mhm. Uh-huh.

Cootie, you don't know
nothing about this. Ready?

You gotta hit 'em with the... uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

- You don't know nothing about that.
- Yo pass that over here. Ay!

- What's that supposed to do?
- That's called the

Boy, your shoe. Ooh, boy. This thing
stink. Take this, put this on.

Y'all got me tired.

Thank you.

- Damn, nigga'.
- Right.

- There's a little bit.
- Uh-uh.

I'm straight.

Ain't nothing in there. Don't nobody want
your spit water.

Answer it.


- Turn on Channel 36.
- Turn on Channel 36.

Ooh, shit.

- That's the sports channel.
- Oh, shit.

- Mhm-hmm.
- Boy, you finna be famous, bro.

Like, you 'bout to have your
name on Top Ramen,

and like, cereal, and shit like that.

- That's something people want?
- Nah, not me.

I wanna see my thing on
the side of a building.

The Celtics
edged the Bulls 110 to 108.

The infamous giant,
known as the Twamp Monster,

is preemptively banned from
every single professional sport,

- including competitive walking.
- Bullshit.

owners say his height...

- I didn't even get to try out.
- They're afraid of the future.

It wasn't right for you.
I got something better lined up.

He said he has something better for me.

- Like what?
- Tell him you ain't doing no Illuminati.

Oh, um, my manager says no Illuminati.

He says I'm gonna model at a mall.

Cootie! I am so glad that you were
down to fast track that contract.

Asphalt Royalty's brand
represents the hustle of the streets

and the ability of street
hustlas, like you, to rise above.

Lemons to lemonade, cocaine
to crack. You get it.

They want you and all you represent
to represent their brand.

It is smart of you to
monetize your notoriety.

You'll model here, and you'll be in their
online and print campaigns.

You are about to be P-A-Y-E-D.


Your people are gonna
be so proud of you, man.

I'll go over there while
you work your magic.

- You remember the position?
- Mm-hm.

Psst, Cootie!

Excuse me. If you're gonna take a
picture of me and my boy,

you gotta make sure my pose is right.
Hold up.

Just a little...

- You're doing this for money.
- For burgers.

For a girl.
Do you even know her number yet?

- See, I be trying to tell you...
- Hey, Cootie?

So my guy here from Asphalt
Royalty loves your work.

They have an idea.

♪ Bitch better have my money ♪ ♪

Hey, Cootie.

So the expression on your face is sad,

as opposed to angry and powerful.

Uh, yeah.

Your hand, just your hand, yeah.
If you could just put that five inches up.

He says "Fucking awesome."

We're gonna do some really cool, new,
cutting edge things. Me and you, bud.

Yes, yes.

This character's fucked up.
I know.

This character?

This piece has a creative
intention of, um...

- It means something, you know?
- I'm not trying to talk you out of a job.

I just came here to talk
to you about the network.


One of our campaigns is
this Eviction Defense Action,

and it'd be really cool if you could join
us and be a part of it...

Jones, that all sounds really important,
but I've been working here all day,

and that sounds like a lot of work, okay?

It.. it is.

I'm learning a lot here. You know, I'm
discovering new things, and...

Exactly. I'm with it.

We wanna discover new things
by changing the world around us.

That sounds right, um...

How about you hit me up next week
and we talk about it, okay?

Yeah, cool. Okay, next week.
Next week, uh-

- I can do Thursday.
- Thursday, 1:15.

Okay, Wednesday at 5:00 is good for me.

Okay, see you Saturday at 4:00.

Cootie, that's time.

- My back hurts.
- I got a new pose, easier on your back.

Great Polypheme.

We've waited decades for your arrival.

Uh, what?

It's written by Sam that a giant among men
will reveal himself to us.

- Sam Spiegel? My agent?
- No. Sam Woodson.

He used to live over in Novato
with us. Died years ago.

Well, how does he know me?

He prophesied you.

He said you'd come from a desolate place.

I'm not from a desolate
place. I'm from Oakland.

Yes, a desolate place.

Okay, you would think that.
You're from Marin.

- Agree to disagree, Great Polypheme.
- I'm not even into polyamory.

I'm kind of building up to uno-amory
right now.

Sticky Note Number 12
says you would be born in October.

I was born in August.

Exactly. August is the eighth month.

October is the original
eighth month, before Caesar.

You're the Messiah.

I'm not the Messiah.

And the Great Polypheme
will deny his own existence.

Sam, Sticky Note Number 25.

We'll await your revelation
and instructions.

Cootie, remember...
Horizon lips.

♪ Bing-Bang, Bing-Bang, Bing-Bang ♪♪


- What?
- My number.

5-1-0-5-5-5-0-1-8-9. Do you need me to
write it down, or...

I'll remember.

Call me. You don't have to wait in line.
No, I can get you some burgers.


But I don't like them.

I know.

Mm. Come on, let's both have
one more.

S-see, I-I knew it...

You know I don't party no more.

Agree to one, two, then it's three.
You don't stop.

You're damned right. That's how you like
me. Rapid fire, repeating action.

Oh, this is your spot.

Cootie got out, but you still
here running around wild.

He didn't just get out, you forced his
hand and you pushed him out more.

Listen, I didn't force him into no sambo
in the manger nativity scene.

The boy is making choices
on limited information.

Well then we need to fill in the blanks
for him so that he has better choices.

I told you, we're not gonna...
Listen, and the information...

Hang on. I know who you are.

I'm a big fan. Sloppy Seconds Martisse,
Definite Destruction Martisse?

- Yeah, that's me.
- Tango or tiptoe Martisse.

I love all of that. And, you know, there's
that one video you guys made

that I play in here all the time.

It's on my phone though.
Check this out. Hang on one second.

Everybody, listen up.
We got a legend in here.

Turn that up!

- Get up on your music history right now.
- Turn that up!

- Check this out.
- ♪ Girl, you're trapped in my beam ♪

♪ This might be obscene
But I got a scheme ♪ ♪

Looks like you're wearing the
same thing now

you were wearing 30 years ago.

♪ To bust out the seams
And we got the means ♪

♪ To get all up in them nuts
The truth is they're stuck ♪

♪ And we came to fuck... ♪

Listen, we can't give him this much
information at this point.

And we gotta get him to where he's going,

and then we gotta make sure he don't make
the mistakes so he can learn.

But when it comes for him...

We promised we wasn't
gonna talk about that.

- Look...
- No, not here.

We have to, because
when it comes for him,

there will be chaos, pain, blood,
and destruction all around us.

Let's hope he's ready.

♪ Yeah, uh ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Girl, you're trapped in my beam
This might be obscene ♪

♪ But I got a scheme
'Cause we got platinum dreams ♪

♪ To bust out the seams
And we got the means ♪

♪ To get all up in them guts
The truth is they stuck ♪

♪ And we came to fuck shit up ♪

♪ And stomp through the town
It's all coming down ♪

♪ I'm loving the sound
In a world that's way too cold ♪

♪ Come on and explode with me ♪

♪ Ain't nowhere that we can't go ♪

♪ Come on and explode ♪ ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Get up, uh ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Get up, uh ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Get up, uh ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Get up ♪ ♪

♪ You got the fire and I'm
trying to get the womp womp ♪ ♪