I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 0 - Pilot - full transcript

Saturday she's got a recital at noon.

Well, it might be hard to get
to your parents by four.

- Hmm.
- Mommy?

Yeah, lovey?

I forget... did you say babies

come out of your tushie or your vagina?

Vagina... why?

- Well, my vagina hole is so small.
- Yeah.

How could a baby even come out of there?

Well, that is a very good question,

something that you do not
need to worry about



for a super, super, super long time.

But your body, it's magical,

and when there is a baby
in there and it's all grown

and ready to come out,

your body knows to make your vagina hole

get really, really, really big,

and then the baby can just shoot out!

Isn't that cool?

- I think we can make Saturday work.
- Yeah, we can make Saturday work.

So, you have a huge vagina?

No, no, oh, no, no, no.

No, it, it...

It, it, like, snaps back into place.

I mean, it's enough
back into place for me.



There's no complaining from this guy.

Kind of like a cork
being put back in a bottle.

Almost too small.

Well, it's not malignant, but
I'm still glad they took it out.

My granddaughter had
her bat mitzvah last weekend.

I mean, look, isn't she gorgeous?

Tell me how it is after
going through menopause.

Okay, ladies, let's go,
we're starting with the cha-cha.

Cha-cha, one, two, three.

Cha-cha, one, two, three.

One, two, three, cha-cha,

one, two, three.

Okay, very good.

I'm sorry, it's just
summer in the valley.

Why don't you go yourself?

Uh, uh...

I just, um, if it's hitting you
too strong... I know this, like,

shoots out... maybe you can stand
further down, like on the other side.

Don't tell me where to stand.

I've been coming to
this class for eight years.

Okay, um, well, it's really hot

and I think people want the air on.

Why don't you ask the rest of the class
if they want the air on?

Two, three, four, cha-cha.

One, two, three, four, and five.

Very good, ladies, good job.

Catch your breath because
now we do the Paso Doble.

Hi, excuse me, sorry.

Before we "Paso,"
I just want to say we have

a little bit of an air
conditioning situation.

I turned the air on and, uh,

that woman in the class told me
to go myself, so...

I just didn't know where
the rest of the class landed

on, uh, you know, air.

I think we all, you know,
want the air on, so...

- You yelled [bleep] at us?
- No, no, no... I was just quoting.

She said [bleep], I just...

No, I didn't, no, I didn't.

Are you serious right now?

You were bombing all the place.

She said it again!

Because I needed you to hear
what she was saying.

Why do you think
we need air conditioning?

Because it's hot! It's nine a.m.

Of course it's nine a.m.,
that's when the class is.

I know that's when the class is.

- Why are you taking this class?
- Because I like to.

What are you insinuating here?

Well, especially for
people that are... older.

Okay, there it is.

No, you're one of the younger ones.

- Thank you?
- Everyone looks great!

Listen, listen,

if you want to fight
and you got a problem,

turn around and dance.

- One, two, three, four...
- Well, I think we...

And five, six, seven... two more.

And one, two, three, four, Paso Doble.

So, what did you do?

I Paso Doble-d.

I thought I was gonna
get jumped in the parking lot.

Oh, jumped by... I'm sorry...
a group of elderly women.

You were, you were fearful
of the elderly women?

They were mad.

I'm still confounded

by why did you take an exercise class

with elderly Jewish divorcees.

Because, Kyle, I am a dancer.

- Nope.
- My body was made to move.

Why does it need to move
like an elderly person?

- You can... you do more arms...
- What message are you sending?

Today I found out
that a woman I work with

is a former porn star.

- Really?
- Like a well-known porn star.

- Well, well, wah-wah.
- Yes, Sienna Sparkle.

Wait, shut up, shut the
up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

- I'm not talking...
- Shut up!

- Are you serious?
- I...

You do not know Sienna Sparkle.

- Of course Kyle knows...
- She is like my favorite porn star.

She was Miss Howard Stern in 2009.

She was AVN Best Anal
four years in a row.

Oh, is that a hard record to get?

That's huge.

She works almost
exclusively out of her butt.

Wouldn't that be works
exclusively "in" her butt?

No, if you saw it, it would make sense.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

What's so cool?

Oh, a real estate agent
Paul works with turns out to be

- a former anal porn star.
- Oh.

She's, like, the Sandra
Bullock of butt porn.

She works exclusively out of her butt.

Wouldn't that be "in" her butt?

- No.
- Thank you!

See? Married, barely friends.

- Okay, that's why you're married?
- Yeah.

- 'Cause you both think like that?
- Yeah.

All right, you ing dummies,

you're about to see
what I'm talking about.

Uh, who, who is it?
Is it the person you work with?

No, her real name is Melissa Waters.

- Melissa Waters?
- That is Sienna Sparkles.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

My... that is Maddie's mom.

- What?
- What?

That is Amelia's friend's mom.

I would like to volunteer
to Amelia's school.

She was prolific.

- Oh, yeah, she's done a lot.
- Oh!

I could tell by the audio that
it's "Three Dicks One Butt".

I can tell by the video that it
is "Four Dicks One Butt".

- That's the sequel.
- Oh, you know what?

Now I do see what you mean that
she works out of her butt.

Oh, you do, do you?

That's why you're my writing
partner, you get nuance, bro.

Mm-hmm.

- That was a terrible high five.
- Oh, my God.

It's my left hand.

I still can't believe Kyle
watches that stuff.

I can.

Oh, what am I saying?
Of course I can believe it.

We are going to see Melissa today.

Is there a plan in place?

Ah, this is... this is
so hard for me because

as a comedy person, it's, like,

obviously I could be very
immature about this.

- I...
- Hmm.

... literally couldn't sleep last night.

She's got two kids...

Clearly Melissa's put this behind her.

- Uh-huh.
- Pun intended.

- Yeah, I got it.
- Okay.

- I'm not telling anyone.
- Good.

Because, you know, who cares?
She's pulled her life together.

- Oh... oh, crap.
- What?

I missed a call from Dr. Katzberg.
My phone didn't even ring.

Why is she calling you on a Saturday?

She does half day Saturdays,

it's just the results from my physical.

Oh, it's so annoying!

The second you walk away from your phone

- is when the doctor calls.
- Yep.

Dr. Katzberg's office.

Hi, it's Andrea Warren
calling Dr. Katzberg back.

I'm sorry, she's with a patient.

Wow, already?

What, is she like an Olympic sprinter?

She'll call you back.

Great, now I'm gonna be keeping
this out again all day.

You don't think it's
anything bad, do you?

No, it's probably just
my raging chlamydia.

I saw you... I could see
the smile in your eyes.

Mm-mmm.

- But, on a serious note.
- Yeah.

Have you been itching?

'Cause this is like a really
burny, burny bout of it.

All right.

If you have any discharge,
don't tell me, call the doctor,

I'm not interested in hearing that.

You are somebody's mother.

Sorry, I forgot.
"Mom's aren't supposed to be funny."

Right, you watch TV.
Get more harried and tired, lady.

That's what she said.

No, no.

- That doesn't make sense.
- Yeah, it does.

- No.
- Think about it.

Who wouldn't want their lady
to be more tired and harried?

- Magic puts stuff inside...
- Ooh...

- And that's what makes it fly.
- Are we close?

Rainbow power. Yeah, we're close.

I've been here before.
Oh, that's it, on the left.

Who does that? Who parks like that?

That's Melissa's car.

Why does she have
a handicapped placard?

What? What is that look?

I'm just... I'm just sayin'.

What?

Maybe she can't walk very far.

Maybe her butthole fell out.

- Jesus!
- What? It happens!

It happened to my stepmom!

- That is not a true story.
- I protected you from that.

It is a serious condition, okay?

It happens... there's, like,
repeated trauma in the area.

- Mmm...
- I mean, hers wasn't that trauma,

but, like, babies, but it's
called a rectal prolapse.

It's very common
for women in their 50's.

Listen... in ten years
my butthole could fall out.

And that's when I'm gone.

Mommy...

What are you talking about?

Just a pretend person from an old book.

Whoa! I think we went under the sea!

- You guys made it!
- Hi!

Oh, my gosh, Chelsea's so
excited that Amelia could come!

- She looks ecstatic.
- Yeah.

And where do I put this?

The gift table... honey,
get up and enjoy your party!

Get in the bounce house.

Go in the bounce house.

Jesus! Do you want to take
your purse inside?

Oh, I'll keep it.
I'm waiting for a call from my doctor.

- Ooh, what's wrong?
- Nothing.

Hmm, it seems weird for a Saturday.

It's just results from my physical.

What do you think they're calling about?

AIDS, cancer, diabetes.

- Wow.
- Wow, oh, I don't know,

I don't think so.
I appreciate the concern.

Well, I want you guys
to enjoy yourselves.

Molly's mom has bruises

on her chin from filler.

You're gonna want to check that out,
but don't stare, okay?

Have fun, there's wine inside.

Wine... its ten a.m.

There's Melissa.

Oh, there she is... in all of her glory.

She looks smaller in person.

What does... how much
of that stuff did you watch?

I like, scanned it,
you know, for research.

Really? Research.

A-ringa-dinga-ding, right?

This is why I don't tell you stuff.

I mean, it's just surprising,
it's a little spicy.

But you know I'm never doing
that in the butt, right?

- Not until you're 78.
- What?

When we were dating you said
you would do it in 50 years...

- No.
- 12 down, 38 more to go.

Well, first of all, how did you
even remember that?

You don't even remember
your mom's birthday...

this you can't get out of your mind?

Some stuff sticks more than others.

You know what?

I'm starting to see why
she went all butt all the time.

She doesn't have a lot to work
with on the top floor.

- So?
- So, if she's choosing porn

as her profession and she
doesn't have the boobs for it...

- What?
- It's like a champion swimmer

who's got strong legs and weak arms.

They bank on the legs.

- That makes sense.
- Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, this is a nice bag.
This looks like a...

I think I've seen this
at Target, this bag.

They just don't
prepare you for this stuff

in the parenting books.

No, they do not.

Obviously, I like
Cinderella too, who doesn't?

But I just wish, you know,

maybe if she had stood up to her
stepsisters and stepmother

and said, "Hey, you can't
talk to me like that."

- Nope.
- Oh.

I like princesses 'cause they're...

- 'cause they're pretty and...
- Uh-huh.

They have pretty dresses and...

... take whatever you want.

What?

Take whatever you want.

Get whatever you want?

- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.

We already started putting
money aside for Izzy's therapy.

- Uh, mermaid tears?
- No, thank you.

- Appreciate it.
- Uh-huh.

Hey, someone's phone's buzzing.

- Who's got a phone?
- Oh! That's me, that's me.

I'm playing phone tag with my doctor.

- On a Saturday?
- Yes.

Shoot.

Hey, is everything okay?

Yes, Brian, it's not abnormal
for a doctor to call

with positive to neutral news.

Dr. Katzberg's office.

Hi, yes, it's Andrea Warren.
The doctor just called?

I'm sorry, she's with a patient.

Oh, God, you guys have a busy practice.

What, are you giving out free OxyContin?

If you are, save me one.

Are you looking for OxyContin?

I'm... I was just joking.

Would you like me to tell the doctor

that Andrea Warren called
for OxyContin, is that...

No, no, no, no, I was
making a... I was just, like,

it's so popular, you know, like "ha-ha".

I know it's a controlled
substance and I don't,

I don't take that kind of thing lightly.

- Is that the doctor?
- No, the nurse.

Can't she tell you what's wrong?

Um, I know the doctor's just calling me
with my physical results.

Can you just give them
to me over the phone?

I'm sorry, I'm not authorized
to divulge that information.

- She's not authorized to give it.
- Ask her if you sign something...

- Well, how am I...
- ... if you sign something.

- Listen, I...
- You can sign something

and send it over,
I have an app on my phone.

Seriously?

- Authorize...
- Why don't you hold for the doctor?

She'll call you back.

- She'll call me back.
- That's not good.

You should drive there.

- What?
- Yeah.

Not a terrible idea.

Oh, thank you, Brian, for chiming in.

I'm gonna wait for her call.
I'm going to get some water.

- Mermaid tears!
- Nope.

- Hi.
- Okay, you better stop.

I know, I know, I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm fascinated by it.

- I have so many questions.
- Okay.

I mean, you've seen the videos,

apparently quite a few of them,
but the shape she must be in.

She seems agile, though, right?

And she's wearing a white pant,
I mean, that's a bold choice.

- I wouldn't even wear white pants.
- You are a child.

Oh, well, that makes you a pedophile.

Should I call
Child Protective Services...

- Okay, okay.
- ... 'cause this doesn't seem

safe for you.

Oh, my God, what is she doing here?

That's the lady who yelled at me
for swearing at dance class.

Diane?

- Who?
- It's Opal's grandma.

- You never met her at drop-off?
- No.

She's the sweetest
lady in the world.

- Hi.
- Huh.

Oh, my God, this is so stupid.

I'll be right back.

Hi, it's me.

Dance class potty mouth.

- You're Opal's grandma?
- Yes.

Wow, small world.

Hi, Opal!

Listen, um, I just wanted to say

that I'm so sorry about what
happened the other day.

It was hot, I was trying to be nice.

Why did you use that language?

Well, again, and I'm not
making any excuses,

but she was the one
who used the language,

I was just quoting her, so, you
know, people knew what was...

I would never even talk like that.

- I don't talk like that.
- Hmm.

I'm really sorry if I offended you.

Well, that's okay.

Thank you for apologizing.

Well, thank you for
accepting my apology.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause it was pretty hot in there.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- People were sweating.
- Oh.

- You were sweating.
- Hey, Diane!

- Hi.
- I'm so glad you could make it.

- Could I steal her for a second?
- Sure.

- Okay, we'll be right back.
- I'll be right back.

All right.

What, what, what?

What has happened?
Are you okay?

Maddie's mom was a porn star.

Oh, yeah, I know.

- You know?
- Yeah, I knew before.

- You've known and you didn't tell me?
- No, I didn't.

Why wouldn't you tell me?

Do you hear the glee
in your voice right now?

- Yeah!
- That's why I didn't tell you.

Wait... how do you know?

Someone just sent an email to
the entire class outing her...

- What?
- ... saying that it goes

against our family values
and that we should all boycott

the school picnic if Melissa's
gonna be there... it's amazing!

- This is bullshit.
- I know.

What, are they worried she's
gonna use our kids for fluffers?

Yeah... I don't... yes.
What's a fluffer?

What if her kid's here?

Well, the sex talk will be easier.

- Oh, will it?
- 'cause they can just play

a video of mom.

Who sent that email?

It's an anonymous email,
a fake person... Horselover3000.

They're outing her

but they don't even have
the balls to sign it themselves?

You make a good point.

Who in our class is into horses?

if I know. I've been thinking about it.

Sarah had that party with those
mini ponies, like, a year ago.

But that's a pony...

Chelsea! Chelsea!

Why do I even throw you a party?

Get up and play.

Has anyone here seen "War Horse"?

I heard it's a very
provocative film, you know,

a lot of horses, real horses.

Hey, Andrea.

I have to run to the bathroom.

Could you just keep
an eye on Maddie for me?

Yeah.

Hey, take your time in there.

Whatever you need, I've got Maddie.

Cool, thank you.

Did any of you watch the Triple Crown?

I mean, a Clydesdale,
that is a majestic animal.

We're thinking of sending Amelia
to a horse camp this summer.

Is that something
you guys have ever done?

So I heard that horses
have the largest eyes

of any land mammals.

Does that seem right to you?

I can't talk.

Wait, wait, wait... is she there?

Yes, there's a whole situation
and it involves horses.

Wait... what?

Oh, my God, I should be at this party.

Literally no one agrees
with that statement.

I have to go.

No, no, no, hang on, hang on,
hang on, it's important.

What?

How does she look?

- Like a mom.
- Gross.

- Where are you?
- In my bed.

Oh, my God, it's 12:30, Kyle.

Yeah, on Saturday, the day for beds.

Oh, is that the new
slogan for Saturdays?

- Either way, it should be.
- You know what, I have to go, okay?

I'm waiting for a call from my doctor.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

You're not concerned that a
doctor's calling me on a Saturday?

She's probably just calling to
tell you you started menopause.

- What?
- Yeah, what did they do,

about your hormone tests?

Yeah.

A hormone panel at your age
means menopause.

At a certain point your uterus

will fall out of your vagina,
you'll get hot flashes.

I've never had a hot flash!
What are you talking about?

Your whole thing will dry up,

you'll need to use those
special salves to get wet.

- I'm hanging up!
- Oh, I thought you already

hung up, I was just...

Dr. Katzberg's office.

Hi, it's me again.

I'm sorry?

Uh, it's Andrea Warren,
calling for Dr. Katzberg again.

We spoke earlier?

Oh, right, you called
looking for OxyContin.

I wasn't call... calling about
OxyContin, but I, I...

Is Dr. Katzberg available?

I just really want to
connect with her today.

Well, she just called you.

What?

It went to voicemail.

I... no.

We do close at 1:00 today

so you really should stay by your phone.

Wait, wait, wait...

I know that you said that
you can't divulge anything,

but is that because that's just protocol

or because there's something to report?

Again, I can't divulge
that kind of information.

You know, when you say "divulge"

it makes it sound like
it's something bad.

She'll call you back.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey.

Is that the doctor?

No, I'm still waiting
for her to call me.

Oh.

Brian, why are you so involved in this?

I like to be involved.

I don't think it's a good sign
that she keeps calling you.

Or it's just the true
definition of phone tag.

I'm trying to help you.

- No, that...
- The whites of your eyes

seem a little yellow,
which could be what,

- like, a kidney thing?
- Yeah, that's all kidney.

But you know what,
your breath smells weird.

- Not bad, not bad...
- That could be an intestinal...

- ... it just smells weird.
- ... or a stomach.

- Oh, my God!
- Do you taste what we smell?

No.

What's your bucket list?

Your bucket list?

Excuse me, I'm going
to the bathroom, okay?

I think it's diabetes.

Shit.

Ow!

[bleep]!

Ow... ow, ow, ow...
me, motherless.

Shit, that hurts!

Ah!

Diane, I know that I said
that I don't talk like that...

Hey, Andrea, if you
have a problem with me,

you can say it to my face.

What? No, I don't have
a problem with you.

Really? You don't think
I've noticed you acting weirdly

and staring at my butt
this entire party?

Oh, and everybody's been telling me

about your obsession with horses.

Oh, no, no... I didn't write that email.

Nobody else liked "War Horse"... fact.

I was actually trying to find out

who the horse person was for you.

Personally, I don't even like horses.

I don't care if they're used for glue.

- Oh.
- Or maybe I do, I don't know,

I just didn't think that through.

Oh, my God. Is that my phone?

- Oh, yeah.
- Are you holding my...

what are you doing
with my phone?

You left it in the bathroom.

Did you follow me to the bathroom
and see if you could grab it from me?

- No, I just...
- Did you want to look at my pictures?

I... looked at the screen saver
just to see whose phone it was.

So you can scroll on through, right?

And see if I had dirty
pictures on there.

- I...
- What are you doing?

Are you kidding?
What... what are you doing?

- Seriously?
- I just...

It's my doctor and
she's been calling all day,

and you know how hard it is
to get a doctor on the phone.

Seriously, one second.

Hi, Dr. Katzberg?

Uh-huh, hi.

Oh, I'm good, how are you?

Actually, you know what?

I'm in the middle of something here.
Is everything okay?

Thank you, I will call you Monday.

So...

everything's good.

Yay?

I... my cholesterol got down to 80

and we've been working on that.

She just wanted to tell me personally.

At least it wasn't menopause.

I mean, not that menopause

isn't actually
a fully natural process...

You are unbelievable.
Of course you wrote that email.

- I did not!
- You think you're better than me?

- No.
- You think you don't have

any secrets? Because I know that you,

against school policy, used
artificial food coloring

in Amelia's birthday cupcakes
even though you said

they were from Whole Foods.

First of all, I don't think
those are comparable secrets.

But, I would like to say
that I don't agree

with the school's communist policy

when it comes to birthday treats.

Sarah is not allergic
to artificial colors.

Her mom just doesn't
want her to have them,

and then the rest of us have to suffer!

There's no world where I think
that I am better than you.

I look normal... I'm disgusting.

- Mike, tell her.
- She's an animal.

I just yelled in front
of her granddaughter.

- Jeez, my God...
- Sorry, Diane.

Melissa, I actually knew what
you used to... do before.

And I did not tell anybody.

Yeah, it was annoying.

I am so sorry that
this is happening to you.

It is not fair.

Thank you, that makes
me feel a little...

- I'm sorry I snapped at you.
- No, no, oh, my God.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have looked at your butt.

That was on me.
Your butt is your...

- Okay.
- ... property,

and I'm sure it's doing great.

It's just been a really hard week.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, a lot of shit's been coming out.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm, yeah.

- We can't even imagine.
- No.

Yeah. Hi, by the way.

Hi, Mike.

We didn't get to say hi earlier.

I just can't believe anyone in our class

- would write these things.
- I know!

It's just... and to be anonymous,
it's just so... cowardly.

Thank you guys.

Come on, dear.

Andrea did ask me about a horse, though.

Oh, my God.

Some people can't clean up their act.

- Oh, my God.
- No.

- But...
- No.

Just shut your mouth.

So your vagina hole gets
bigger and bigger

and bigger and bigger,

and just snaps back into place.

Hey.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can.