I'm Dying Up Here (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 9 - Lingchi - full transcript
Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...
He's barely breathing.
Call an ambulance.
Of all the graves I've pissed on,
this'd be the least satisfying.
The fuck are you doing?
You're a sad fucking excuse for a son!
What is your plan for me here?
I'm killing it every
night in the Cellar.
- All right? I need the Main Stage.
- What do you want?
- A business partner.
- If you could get Pryor
to play my club...
What I am proposing is that
we build our own Pryor.
You want me to represent you?
You're gonna dump the broad,
clean up your act.
That's my offer.
He wants me to audition
for a guest role on one
of his sitcoms next week.
Hey!
They're sketches.
They're not exactly Shakespeare.
Got one of my girls to rewrite it.
No, you don't hire writers.
No, not without consulting me.
Why can't you compromise on something?
Because then I'd be you.
Are you having a good time, ma'am?
Really? All right. Tell your face.
Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.
That means what?
Comedians are coming home...
from Canada.
I used to do a lot of handyman work,
growing up.
Mostly because my dad
was in the business...
of breaking shit.
Well, what are you doing in here?
That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.
All right, thank you, folks.
You've been a...
slightly above average crowd.
Sheppard and Berenson take
the draw at center ice.
Berenson wins the faceoff.
Back to Bergman
who fires it up the boards to Bailey.
Bailey dumps it into the Boston end
as Orr and Leduc race to the corner.
Orr dishes it to Sims
as Berenson closes in.
Sims sends it up to O'Reilly
who crossed the red line.
He headmans it to Sheppard who
snaps one in on Rutherford
from the top of the faceoff dot
to the right of Rutherford.
Rutherford deflects it into the corner
where Thommie Bergman digs it out
and O'Reilly sends him into the boards
with a bruising check.
Now Marcotte to center.
Fuck yeah.
Shut up! Shut up!
Fuck.
What?
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah?
You mind if I take all these?
I don't see a nickel from them.
That a friend of yours?
Not really.
Maybe that'll be you someday.
Ha-ha. All right.
Hey, Chris.
Chris.
Hey.
Hi.
How you doing?
Think you lost something here.
There you go.
- Cool.
- That's for you.
Thanks, Arnie.
- All right, take care.
- Later, alligator.
Well? You ain't said nothin'.
I don't know.
Kind of miss the way it was before.
Empty?
Maybe.
At least it felt like me.
Let me let you in on a little somethin'.
Nobody wants to go to a
place that feels like you.
I'll be damned.
- Goldie, you did this?
- You asked for the moon and the stars.
We're building your rocket ship.
Right now, the Cellar is as
hot a draw as the Main Stage.
It's gonna get even more so after this.
So starting tonight, you get 30 minutes.
I can do that. Yeah, I can do that.
You work it to a tight 45,
and we'll go Main Stage.
As a headliner?
You stay on course,
I'm guaranteeing you Carson in a year.
Well, f... Carson in a year, that...
You work my Cellar.
You do your homework.
Is that a promise?
Promise?
Santa Claus makes promises.
That's why he's always smiling.
People who make guarantees never smile
because they know how much hard
fuckin' work it's gonna take.
I don't even... I don't...
I don't even know what to say.
I'm... Thank you, Goldie.
You think I did that just for you?
- Probably not.
- I want to be perfectly
clear here, Adam.
There are two things I will never do:
A, whisper in your ear,
and B, do something
that doesn't benefit me first.
You know what that makes me?
What?
The devil you know.
Guys, you know when you're
dating someone new?
The conversation is simple.
It's easy, right?
You know, it's harmless back story.
Like, oh, when you were six,
your cat had six kittens?
Neat. Wow.
Oh, you chipped a tooth
on a caramel apple?
Wow, that is interesting.
It's the conversational
equivalent of watching soccer.
It's boring as shit.
- What is Bill doing here?
- Killing it.
Yeah, where else should he be?
Have you guys not heard about his dad?
- What?
- He died last night.
- Heart attack.
- Shut the fuck up.
- His sister called me.
- Fuck.
- When's the funeral?
- Saturday.
But it doesn't matter,
because he's not going.
Really?
Not going to his own father's funeral.
I mean, he's gotta, don't he?
Apparently, he don't gotta.
Guys, we have no answers
for all this stuff.
You know, we're totally at a loss.
We dream about the time
she went and talked about that dumb cat
and her six kittens that we
never gave a fuck about.
You know when you go to
a Chinese restaurant,
you see a lot of Chinese
people eating there.
You think, "Hey, it's
probably a good restaurant."
You know, "We should eat there."
How come that doesn't
work with other things?
Like if you go to a bar
and see that it's filled
with alcoholics, you don't go,
"Hey, look at that guy
puking in the corner.
"Maybe this is where we should
have a few drinks," right?
Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
Then why aren't you laughing?
Because...
You're not funny.
And I don't love you anymore.
I'm not gonna lie.
I think one might've impacted the other.
We just had sex.
Yeah, I know. I was gonna leave a note,
but I felt like this is more personal.
You just gonna roll out
here with this shit?
Yeah. Dying's easy.
Family's hard. Don't worry about me.
When my Aunt Annie died, I had a cousin
who flew 3,000 miles to go the wake,
which made me look bad
'cause I lived a block away
and I missed it.
That is so weird,
knowing how much you prioritize family.
Shouldn't you be chasing
coyotes and watching them shit
and then sifting through it to find
your little cat's flea collar?
That was really... That was hurtful.
Seriously, what's going
on with you and Betty?
Yeah, what the fuck is going
on with you and Betty?
No, no, no. Guys. His father is dead.
Bill, this is your day.
Have you spoken to anyone in
your family since your decision?
No. Why would I?
My dad's dead.
It's very sad. There's not
much I can do about it.
You can be there for your family.
You can be there for your mom.
I have three brothers and two sisters.
That's plenty of people to keep
her chardonnay glass full.
That is a lot of people if
they're just pouring chardonnay.
On that note, it is late.
3 a.m. So...
What are you talking about?
I pay every time.
Go to the funeral. Jesus.
Hey.
Let me guess.
- Susan.
- Yeah.
Well, she's worried about you.
Your whole family is concerned.
- You don't have to do this.
- Do what?
Act like you don't care.
You're angry, I... Believe me, I get it.
What happened...
was so dramatic and shocking.
A heart attack out of nowhere, it's...
What are you doing?
I... what do you mean?
We're not that. Don't do that, okay?
I'm not your job anymore.
Just because we don't sleep together
doesn't mean that I don't
still care about you.
Yeah, well, do me a favor, Cass. Don't.
You here for methadone?
Is that what this place is?
- Funny.
- Mm-hmm.
Say good-bye to your heroin high.
Yeah.
I know you?
No.
You sure?
Look, I don't want to be a dick,
but I'm kind of reading
something here, so...
I saw you on TV!
Carson, right?
I saw you.
You're hilarious.
That was you, right?
Yeah, that was me.
- Ah! Johnny fucking Carson.
- Yeah.
Nick Beverly. Nick Beverly.
Well, I'm up.
Here's Johnny! Ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha.
Just going to get my methadone.
Hey, this guy was a fucking comedian
on The Tonight Show! That's Nick Beatty.
Oh, hey.
Aw, come here.
That's right.
You sit down. Hmm?
- Drink?
- Sure.
My sister said you sent flowers.
I just wanted to say thank you.
My uncle Isaac died of a heart attack
sitting on the sofa watching football.
The Jets get the touchdown.
Didn't budge.
We should all go so quietly.
Wasn't a heart attack.
Suicide.
Oh, Jesus, Billy.
He gassed himself in our garage.
He'd been depressed for a while, so...
Fuckin' suicide.
How're you holding up?
Your family?
You know. - No, I don't.
It's business as usual.
My sister said it was Japanese cars.
You know, my dad had
too much faith in GM.
He said Americans would
never buy a Jap car.
It'd been that way forever,
so why would it change?
He was always so fucking
sure of himself.
Death by lingchi.
By what?
- Lingchi.
- Mm-mm.
Death by a thousand cuts.
The Chinese, they would execute people
by cutting off
little pieces of their flesh
piece by piece.
That's how Dad described
life in general.
Slow. Methodical.
The ultimate punishment.
Punishment for what?
In my dad's case, hubris.
It kind of runs in the family.
Hey, Eddie.
- You happy here?
- I'd say I make a living,
but we both know that's not true.
Always with joke.
Eddie, I like you, but, uh,
open comedy not really working.
Best for everyone to stop.
Wait, what are you talking about?
It's just starting to catch on.
Four people sharing egg
cream for two hours
not really "catching on."
Think I'll go back to having sister sing
American songs about love and strife.
Grajca, please. Please be patient, okay?
These things, they...
They take time to build.
Comedy's gonna be a big draw here.
Trust me. You'll make money.
I don't know.
Maybe need hire different host.
I'm the emcee. I'm the host.
The whole freaking
point is that it's me.
Don't get me wrong. You're funny.
For all of five minutes.
- Then, eh.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying that I
don't have a tight 15?
Would you mind criticism?
You mean constructive criticism?
No, just criticism.
Tell joke more like,
"Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-funny line.
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da, funny line."
You get? - Yeah, Grajca, that's...
That's not really my style, okay?
I'm not a "da, da-da, da-da,
da" type of comic, you know?
Everything is all,
"My parents don't love me."
I never have sex with woman.
"I'm Jewish."
All so sad.
Okay.
I will "da, da-da, da-da, da,"
but you just, you got to
let me keep the open mic.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Two nights.
Thank you, Grajca.
Tuesday and Wednesday.
But... those are the two slowest nights.
What I need entertainment
for when it's busy?
If comedy make people come,
make come on nights when empty.
Cut the stand-up?
A little.
Look, it's hit or miss,
the girls going up alone
to the microphone,
but the sketches are coming along fine.
Fred is happy. Everybody's happy.
The girls are over the moon.
Stand-up is how this
whole thing originated.
Stand-up is what this show is about.
Goldie, I get it, okay?
Look, it's always the same
at this stage of production.
Everybody's running around
like Chicken Little,
saying the sky is falling,
everything's going to shit,
but, and Eli will back me up on this,
if you just stay calm
and you do your work,
everything's gonna turn
out all right, okay?
We do the sketches,
and we're working the stand-up,
what, by the girls popping up,
doing their little interstitial jokes.
It'll be just like Laugh-In.
Everybody wins.
What is this, 1970?
'Cause the last time I looked,
Laugh-In was headed down the shitter.
Listen, your sets,
they're brighter than the Sun's surface,
and there's a way to make stand-up work.
We take one of the sets,
and we make an exact
replica of my stage.
And why would I do that?
You've been to Goldie's.
I put the focus on the comic.
It's dark, and the funny shines.
And that's where the
focus would lie, huh?
Make for a better show,
and then we can give these comics
the five minutes each
that they signed up for.
Well, ain't you the hooker
with the heart of gold.
Goldie, people want to see
comedy in a comedy club,
they go to a club.
They don't want to watch it on TV.
Sketches work. It's been proven.
You're wrong. Dead wrong.
Really? I'm wrong?
Okay, and how Emmys do you have?
None, but if you air these sketches,
I will not be asking my maid
to dust off the mantel shelves
any time soon.
Okay, okay.
Look. I think Marty's right.
Let's keep the stand-up as it is,
with the girls popping
up every now and then.
They'll get plenty of time,
and then maybe have
the writers take another
whack at the sketches
and let the girls throw
in their two cents.
Huh?
Okay?
I don't know what the
hell that was up there.
I mean, no matter what's
going on between us,
we got to be on the same fuckin' page.
I am getting tired of
jumping on grenades
every time you open your mouth.
Why don't you try
listening for a change?
Well, if someone had something
fucking intelligent to say, I would.
Oh, right, 'cause you're the only one
with an opinion that's worth anything.
Given your vast experience
with the television landscape,
we should all just cock our heads
in your direction every time a
light bulb pops up over your head.
- Hey...
- It's network television.
It's not your night club.
Okay? Just do your job.
Let them do theirs.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
You ready for your next comic?
You've seen this guy on Carson,
and now you're gonna see him here.
The only difference is,
you are not in your pajamas
exhausted from begging
your wife for sex.
Ladies and gentlemen, big round
of applause for Nick Beverly!
Thank you for that
introduction, my good friend,
uh, weird Mexican guy
whose name keeps changing.
Manny Martinez, everybody.
Let's keep it going, huh?
So, my girlfriend
recently moved out.
She packed...
Fuck.
Sorry.
As I was saying
before God stuck his finger up my ass,
my girlfriend moved out recently.
Just picked up in the
middle of the night.
That, or we were robbed,
and they only took her shit.
It was probably time, though.
Our love life, not so great.
You know it's not good when
your girlfriend refers
to having sex with you as
"taking one for the team."
Who was that?
Who laughed?
What's your name?
Um, Robin.
Robin.
Don't. Okay?
I would rather a woman fake
an orgasm than fake a laugh.
All right?
Ooh, Nietzsche was right, huh?
"When you look into an abyss,
the abyss also looks into you."
Thanks for coming.
You know Nietzsche, Robin?
Hey. It's okay. It's okay.
It's not a test.
I was... You have passed.
I am the one who is up here failing.
Um...
It-it's okay. Tell a joke.
Right.
Um...
"One must still have chaos in oneself
to be able to give birth
to a dancing star."
I'm sorry, Robin.
Nick Beverly!
He is available for kids' parties.
Don't forget to tip your therapist, huh?
"The doorbell rings."
Bobby opens the door,
revealing a nervous mailman, Benny,
"who is now hyperventilating."
"Neither rain nor sleet nor hail's"
supposed to stop the U.S. Mail,
but nobody said anything about...
"black people."
"Something bothering you, my man?"
"I'm sorry. It's my
first day on the job,"
and nobody told me everyone
on my delivery route is...
"black."
"Brother, you're not swearing.
You can say the word."
"I just don't want to offend anyone."
"What are you talking about?
It's what we are.
- "Black is the color... "
- All right. Okay.
I'm gonna-I'm gonna
stop you right there.
It would really help me
for the audition tomorrow
if you could do it a little...
You know, just put a little...
You know what I'm saying.
Just do a little...
you know, a little jive in there.
You know what I mean.
What the fuck is "a little more jive"?
You know, just do it a little...
- Blacker.
- Blacker. Yeah.
Thank you.
You know, not like this angry black
you're doing right now, but...
But, you know, like, okay,
for example, it's not,
"What are you talking about?" It's...
- "Whatchu talkin' 'bout?"
- Who do you talk...
I'm doing it the way that I
would do it, and I'm black.
But you're real-life black.
I need, like, like, TV black.
You know, like you're written by
a bunch of white Jewish guys.
- What the fuck?
- What's going on?
Did you get stiffed by a
busload of blue hairs again?
Fucking Grajca's cutting
down the open mic
to Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
So what's the bad news?
All right. Okay.
You're auditioning for
a bit part on a sitcom,
so let's just tone down
the arrogance a notch.
Hmm. I'll remember this impertinence
when my TV paycheck
is floating your ass.
Are you really that delusional?
Do you think because you
might land a one-time part
that you're gonna be taking care of me?
How about we start with you
taking care of you for a change?
Huh? How about we start there?
- I was fucking joking.
- Oh.
Jeez, Mary, go pop a fucking Midol
and ride your cramps out in the closet.
I'm busy manifesting here.
Oh, if you say you manifested this,
I'm gonna kick the shit out
of you, just so you know.
I did. I manifested it.
All right.
You're dead.
Here we go.
You're dead.
- Come here, tough guy.
- Oh? Huh?
Don't fucking touch me.
Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
Ah!
Hey, I'm starting to
feel like this fight
was written by white Jewish guys.
Kaufman, man.
This fucking guy.
Genius.
I saw him do this busboy bit one time.
He was just yelling at the customers,
like, flipping out.
Half the people were laughing,
half the people didn't know
what the fuck he was doing.
It was amazing.
We're all slaves to the joke, right?
Not Kaufman.
That's probably why
everyone loves him so much.
There's nothing in here.
Not a word.
Did they hate everything?
Oh, trust me. They never
even read your stuff.
Talking to these people,
it's like coaxing
a fucking mule onto the expressway.
Sweetie.
Well, can't get any worse, right?
Never underestimate the
aggressively untalented.
Ugh. Thank you.
You got anybody coming
to the, uh, taping?
Uh, any of the guys?
No. Bill doesn't want
anything to do with me.
He hates me.
Trust me, it's not you Bill hates.
The whole thing with his dad.
Fucking terrible.
Ugh.
Heart attack.
It's just... It's-it's just awful.
Yeah.
Funeral is on Saturday, and I know Bill,
and I know what he's gonna
do to himself for not going.
Every one of these guys
is a high-wire act.
Falls are inevitable.
The best you can do is
help him back up there.
Well, he doesn't want my help.
More than sex,
more than laughing at their jokes or
telling them how strong they are,
men want help.
Yeah? So then why do they act
so stoic and hard all the time,
like a fucking tear means
they're about to get their period?
Eh, because that's the way we like 'em.
Ugh.
Ain't that the fucking truth?
How's the stand-up coming?
Hmm? You got a tight five for this show?
Fucked if I know.
Fucked if I know anything at this point.
You know what Goldie's was
before it was a comedy club?
Some kind of performance space?
Yeah, we did plays, one-acts,
monologues, folk singers.
We even had an act
where a gal rode a guy
around a stage naked for half an hour.
It was crazy times.
I ate, worked, and slept there.
Changed a lot of Mandy's
diapers there too.
Sid left when she was five,
and we bumped along another five years,
and then I rolled the dice on comedy.
After a while, things did what they did.
The point being,
it didn't matter whether
I was ready or not.
Shit was happening one way or another.
You ever wonder what
you would've done if,
you know, it failed?
Oh.
You mean like options?
Eh.
I guess.
You have options, you have outs.
All I had was gut and survival.
Believe me, Cass.
The best thing that ever happened to me
was getting painted into that corner.
You'll be okay.
So, how is it amongst the living, Nick?
You surviving?
'Bout it.
Three weeks now?
Mm-hmm. Yesterday.
Anything new come up as of late?
Meaning?
You know, getting clean.
Sometimes, when the fog lifts,
shit gets a little clearer.
Yeah, one thing's a little clearer.
I'm... not funny anymore.
You rang?
I'm putting Adam up
at ten tomorrow night
in the Cellar.
30 minutes.
Double time.
You're emceeing down
there tomorrow night.
I thought you should know.
Anything else?
You tell me.
Well, based off what, Goldie?
A fucking article in the Free Press?
Remember Skip Krake?
- Yeah.
- Jerry Korab?
And they were the next
hot fucking thing too.
I got to say, Ralph,
I'm kind of surprised.
I thought you'd want to support the kid,
maybe even mentor him.
Why? 'Cause he black?
Well, partly.
Mostly because he needs it.
Yeah, well, you know what?
I already reached out,
and that motherfucker bit me.
But you know what really burns my ass?
I been on this stage most every night
since you opened this place.
Where is my fuckin' article?
Where's my hand up, huh?
And please don't give me this bullshit
about Sonny and Cher.
I ain't talking no phone calls
where I make somebody else funny.
Truly sorry, Ralph.
I had no idea things were so tough.
I've done everything that's
ever been asked of me.
Motherfuckin' everything.
Ralph.
I got to admit, I'm kind of lost.
Who exactly are you railing against?
Oh, thank you.
You guys having a good time?
Yeah. Good, good.
Only 16 more comics to go.
All right, we're gonna have...
So you doing better?
A relative term.
Yeah, well, you look like shit.
It's a good thing.
Means you're doing the program.
Thanks for doing this.
Taking me back.
You can, uh, thank your fairy godmother.
Anyways, the, uh, the Mike Douglas Show,
they love you.
Doesn't that shoot in Philly?
Oh, they'll fly you out.
The people we're meeting
first, they're here.
We're having lunch with them tomorrow.
- What do they know about...
- Nada.
You're as straight as
the Tin Man's dick,
as far as anyone's concerned.
Can you do me a favor?
God knows I owe you one.
I know you're going
through a lot of shit,
getting cleaned up, girlfriend,
but I need to see a little bit more
than what's standing in front of me.
Can you manage that?
You got it, Chief.
Excellent.
You seen Sully before?
Yes, I have.
Can you stop?
It's bad enough we have to touch asses,
but when they rub, it's too much.
Should I just call them?
Jesus.
We've been through this.
They're probably dealing
with more important things
than your two-line part.
They'll probably call you tomorrow.
Yeah, most likely to say "no, thanks"
after you put the kibosh on it.
- Excuse me?
- You.
You unmanifested this job for me.
That's not a word.
All my hard work manifesting
just... down the toilet
thanks to you, Captain Negative.
Well, I worked a double shift,
so I'm too tired to listen to
your goo-goo universe talk.
Yeah, right, like there's not
part of you that'll be happy
if I don't get this job.
Our asses aren't even touching.
It's just all the
negativity in your ass,
it's like a magnet sucking
all the positive energy
I've been manifesting out of my ass.
Ron...
did you ever think that
if you don't get the job,
it's because you didn't
do anything to earn it?
You didn't manifest anything
with your positive bullshit.
You got lucky. You got an audition.
And now if it doesn't go your way,
you want to point fingers,
claiming that somehow I caused
you not getting the part?
If you don't get the part,
it's because there was somebody
fuckin' better for the job.
End of fuckin' story. Get used to it.
Hey! You two!
Either shut the fuck up or get married!
Fuck off!
Wait, you want my Chris?
Just for one night.
I'll pay him 20 bucks.
It's for a comedy bit.
An avant-garde comedy bit.
So, what, you're gonna make
fun of my son or something?
No, no, no.
Never. I promise.
He's gonna make fun of me.
How you doing, Chief?
- Figgy?
- Oh, yeah, I want a figgy.
- Cool.
- Been in a school play, right?
I think so.
- Yeah, cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
When you see your Nick,
you can tell him to go fuck himself.
Hold on.
Getting a pencil.
What'd he do?
We had a meeting with the
Mike Douglas people today.
All he had to do was fucking show up.
Instead, no-show, and I'm stuck
with my dick in my hand,
looking like an asshole.
You couldn't come up with an excuse?
Maybe I overestimated you as an agent.
Ha-ha-ha. Fuck you.
You're gonna have to get in
line like everybody else.
♪ Lighthearted rock
music ♪ Fucking cunt.
I look like family?
All I know is, your mom
wanted it out, pronto.
Can you sign? I got to get going.
Look, fucking thing's cherry.
He obviously wanted you to have it,
so why not enjoy it?
Fruits of his labor and shit.
Yeah?
Of course.
Okay.
Thanks.
Yeah, thanks for calling.
Uh, no, but I do enjoy sex.
I really do.
But what I enjoy most
is the sound of a woman having sex.
Her all moaning and loud.
And me,
with a cup pressed against
the wall, listening.
Uh, well, thank you.
You've been a very, uh, lively crowd.
Have a good night.
Eddie.
We're out of the brisket,
and the soup is chicken and rice.
Oh, I didn't come here to eat.
I came here to pay you
for the joke I used.
- Stole.
- Stole.
And to make you an offer.
Now, look, you're a funny guy,
so I want you to write
more stuff for me.
Now, I'm gonna pay you
for everything I use.
5 bucks a joke.
Well, let me think about it. Fuck you.
Okay.
Look. If you get over yourself...
Here's my card.
Okay.
So you're gonna help me out with my act,
but nobody can know that you're helping.
- It's a secret.
- Exactly.
- Do you know what heckling is?
- No.
It's when a comic's up on stage
and you say mean shit to
him to fuck with him.
- That's two swears.
- Sorry.
So you want me to yell
mean things at you?
Yeah, but it's all pretend.
See, when I start talking,
you immediately yell,
"You suck!" Or, "Get off the stage!"
Or whatever mean thing you want to yell,
and then you just keep
yelling mean things out
until the end of the act.
Arnie, why is that funny?
Well, there's this guy
named Andy Kaufman.
He's a real genius.
He just comes on stage
and does weird stuff.
People love it.
So it's like that.
It's, uh, complicated.
- I can add fractions.
- Great!
So you know what I'm talking about.
Definitely.
Fantastic.
That's why I date Jewish girls.
Seriously.
I love Jewish women. I do.
But you know what's a lot of pressure?
Being a white person's
only black friend.
No, no, no. I'm being serious, y'all.
'Cause it's like, you got to get used to
being shown off like
you're some possession
that makes them cooler.
"Oh, yes, this is my,
uh, my Mercedes-Benz."
And this over here is my
state-of-the-art sound system.
And if you look behind you...
Don't get scared now...
"That's my black friend, Lamar."
"Hey, man, I'ma fuck your wife."
"Isn't he delightful?"
One thing I like to do
when I'm a white person's
only black friend is, I like to...
give 'em misinformation,
you know, just to fuck with 'em.
Say shit like, "Hey, you know,
when a black person"
loses a baby tooth, an adult tooth pops
right into place,
but then when they lose
that adult tooth,
a gold tooth, right there.
Just pops... " It's
like a rite of passage.
Look, smile, brother.
I told you. See, it's not a joke.
Seriously. Another one...
Ooh, another good one is
I like to say, "Hey,
do you know why all black dudes",
like, wear shower caps in the... "
Come on, man. Give me five minutes.
Help a brother out.
You're cutting me off.
I'm trying to help a brother off.
Aww.
Thank you.
Adam Proteau!
Comic to watch in '74...
You know, if you ain't
already got shit to do.
Time was up.
Anyway, look at you. Looking delicious.
Girl, what's up?
Hey, how much longer you gonna
put up with this disrespect?
Now, listen, my offer
is still good, son.
You could be headlining tomorrow night
at King Theodore's, and ain't nobody
gonna cut you off then.
That's for damn sure.
What's the matter?
You want to say something?
No, I just think that it's
best if I stay here for now.
No, but thank you, though. That's cool.
Oh, this is just because, um,
Goldie got you a picture in
the paper last week, huh?
Oh. Yeah, Free Press.
Good to know that your
picture's gonna be
gracing the bottom of
birdcages all over LA.
But you the only one shittin' on it.
Meanwhile, Goldie gave me double time,
30 minutes, so I'm cool.
Gives you double pay too?
Seem like she gettin'
the best of the deal.
All you got is a story in
a paper that nobody reads.
Chinese food, though.
It's a dog-eat-dog world, right?
I kid the Chinese.
Actually, uh, I have a
Chinese half-brother.
I don't see him much 'cause he's
been working on the railroads.
What's going on?
Arnie wanted us to catch his set.
You ever go to a Chinese restaurant
just 'cause you see a
bunch of Chinese people
eating there?
How come that doesn't work with,
uh, other things, right?
Like when you go to a bar
and see that it's filled
with alcoholics...
You don't go, "Hey, there's a
drunk puking in the corner."
Maybe this is where we
should get a few drinks."
- This is awful.
- I know.
I'm sorry, I just want to make
sure everyone gets the concept.
Arnie!
Yeah? Yeah?
Arnie's dancing!
Not dancing. What the fuck?
Did you not listen to one word I said?
What the fuck is your problem?
What do you think is his problem?
He's mentally handicapped, you prick.
Fuck you, you fuckin'
four-eyed ham sandwich!
- Ha-ha!
- This is between me and him.
Yeah, very mature. Fuck you, man!
Eat shit, you melted crayon.
Holy shit.
- Oh, Arnie.
- What is he doing?
Is this really happening,
or am I back on heroin?
My wife's filing for divorce,
I haven't seen my son in a week,
and I'm on Ralph's couch, and I still
wouldn't trade places
with Arnie right now.
Fuck you! I have a sister
who's mentally disabled, asshole.
Oh, yeah? I bet she fuckin'
brags about you too.
Oh!
Oh, my God. Edgar, you're emceeing
this episode of The Twilight Zone.
Get the fuck up there.
It would be easier if I yelled "fire."
You know what? Your dad
didn't come in your mom,
he pissed inside her.
Yeah, I'm a piss baby, weirdo.
Get the fuck out of here!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- I tripped on the chair leg.
- What the hell?
I'm so sorry.
Yay! Hey!
Keep it going for Arnie.
Or not. Or not.
Okay, I'll be right there.
I got it. I got the job.
You got it?
Yeah, they called this afternoon.
Um, I got to be in
wardrobe tomorrow at 8:00.
I'm-I'm really happy for you, pal.
Thanks.
Why... Why don't you seem excited?
I don't know.
I mean, like you said,
it's just a bit part.
Like, you know, then what after?
I'm just back to being a
doorman doing open mic.
It doesn't fuckin'...
I was being a douche bag.
I mean, this is a great thing.
Trust me.
Yeah?
Ron.
You're gonna be on TV.
That's fucking huge, man.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- You know.
I'm gonna be on TV.
You-you hungry?
You want something to eat?
No, I can't, I got to go meet
an agent in a half-hour.
Really? No shit.
Yeah, yeah, I mean,
Ernie set it up, so, um...
I'll just catch you when you get home?
Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Hey. Um...
I didn't manifest any of this.
You did.
Did what?
All of it.
I mean, you manifested it.
I-I got this job because of you,
not in spite of you.
I mean, let's face it...
I am kind of a fuckup,
and you always make the tough
decisions for both of us,
so...
Thank you.
Wow.
I'm not used to sincere Ron.
Well, drink him in, 'cause he just left
with that last sentence.
All right. I'll see you back
at the fart box, amigo.
Wow.
Holy shit.
You lucky prick.
Ugh. My dad drives a shit box.
He might as well live to 100
for how I'm gonna make out.
- Right off the assembly line.
- It's beautiful, Bill.
You and your dad tool
around town in this a lot?
You shittin' me?
He bought this when I was out here.
I went home two Christmases in
a row. Never even sat in it.
No, this was all his, and his alone.
Then how about we make up for lost
time, you take us for a spin?
Sure, why the fuck not?
Not me. I got a 7:00 a.m.
sales call in Los Feliz.
Nick, aren't you going up soon?
Not by the looks of it.
Can I?
Your call.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You know this car's three years old
and has just over 4,000 miles on it?
Can you believe that?
What, he just drive it
to church on Sunday?
I know. It's crazy, right?
My mom rode in it twice.
Whatever.
You sure you want to partake?
Does a bear shit wherever
the fuck he wants?
Why didn't you go up tonight?
Fuck knows.
Didn't feel it.
You're dealing with more
than your act, Nick.
I mean, quitting heroin, it's...
I think it's pretty brave, man.
Yeah, well.
Book ain't been written yet.
So this might come as a surprise
to you lovely white people,
but I was not a fan of
the Civil Rights Act.
I loved having our own bathroom.
Finally, we...
What the hell is Ralph doing on stage?
He's supposed to be
emceeing in the Cellar.
Okay, so, Nick bailed,
so Ralph took his spot.
Now Walter's covering the Cellar.
What do you mean, bailed?
He blew off his set?
I guess he went for a
joyride with Bill and Cassie
in Bill's dead dad's new car.
- You're looking good, Manny.
- Thank you.
Just have the same quality
drinking fountains.
One white. One black.
One got Kool-Aid. One got...
Why do I get the feeling
that's probably the first time
the inside of that car's heard any music
that didn't have yodeling in it?
Conway Twitty.
My dad loved Conway Twitty.
Hey, Bogie, are you
gonna pass that or what?
It's out.
Well, lookee what I found.
Jesus. Where'd you find this?
Ashtray.
Thing's so fucking clean,
you could eat out of it.
Is that gold?
My dad got this from GM
his 20th year there.
I haven't seen this in years.
He quit smoking a year
after they gave it to him.
They fired him... and still...
his precious GM lighter
in his precious GM car.
What a fucking idiot.
Well, that must've really
meant something to him,
his time at that company.
It's a company, Cass.
It's not a fucking... It's not people.
- Okay.
- Seriously.
Why hold onto a useless lighter?
Because it's got a GM logo on it?
That precious to you?
This is the sum of a man's life:
a car he never drove,
a lighter he never used,
and a family he never talked to.
What the fuck for?
It's all useless shit, Dad!
Hey.
Bill, let's head back, okay?
Yeah. We'll go to Canter's, huh?
My treat.
Bill, what are you doing?
Bill.
What are you doing?
Death by fucking lingchi,
that's what I'm doing.
Oh! What the fuck, Bill?
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, shit.
Stop! All right?
It's your dad's car.
It's a fucking gift.
A gift?
He fucking killed himself in that gift.
He ran a hose through the back window.
What the fuck does that tell you, huh?
What kind of fucking gift is that?
"My dead fucking body will be found"
in the seat that you drive around in.
"Enjoy!"
Fuck.
Is this us playing catch together, huh?
Is this him saying "I love you"?
There's a thin fucking line
between "I love you" and "fuck you."
Useless. You're fucking useless.
Fucking useless.
Fuck him.
Oof.
I don't know if this is a
good thing to bring up,
but weren't you and
Maggie sleeping together?
Yeah.
Don't you kind of like her?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
So then, you're okay with...
That?
Yeah, I mean, we-we had sex
before she went to work this morning.
Really?
It's kind of complicated.
Right.
Ugh. Sorry.
Time to say good-bye, Bill.
Hey.
You coming?
I don't want eggs.
Sure you do.
Here's coffee.
I don't have it anymore.
It's all...
Fuck it.
Thought we were gonna have
an honest conversation.
Roy dropped you.
Guess that calls for eggs.
There's cold cuts and
soda in the fridge.
You go up at 10:00. Don't be late.
Yeah. Hi. Kenny. Yeah, it's Eddie.
Eddie Zeidel.
Yeah, I'm wondering if
that offer's still good.
Jesus.
What's the story, Eli? You don't call.
We talked about this.
We never let personal
bleed into business.
Goldie, sit.
We talked about this a long time ago.
Goldie.
Sit.
I haven't been avoiding.
I've been negotiating.
Negotiating what?
Your severance.
You're fired, Goldie.
So that's it, huh?
Fired.
You're my fucking lawyer, Eli.
My partner in all this.
Nothing?
You couldn't defend me?
And get fired too?
No.
'Cause then I'd be you.
He's barely breathing.
Call an ambulance.
Of all the graves I've pissed on,
this'd be the least satisfying.
The fuck are you doing?
You're a sad fucking excuse for a son!
What is your plan for me here?
I'm killing it every
night in the Cellar.
- All right? I need the Main Stage.
- What do you want?
- A business partner.
- If you could get Pryor
to play my club...
What I am proposing is that
we build our own Pryor.
You want me to represent you?
You're gonna dump the broad,
clean up your act.
That's my offer.
He wants me to audition
for a guest role on one
of his sitcoms next week.
Hey!
They're sketches.
They're not exactly Shakespeare.
Got one of my girls to rewrite it.
No, you don't hire writers.
No, not without consulting me.
Why can't you compromise on something?
Because then I'd be you.
Are you having a good time, ma'am?
Really? All right. Tell your face.
Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.
That means what?
Comedians are coming home...
from Canada.
I used to do a lot of handyman work,
growing up.
Mostly because my dad
was in the business...
of breaking shit.
Well, what are you doing in here?
That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.
All right, thank you, folks.
You've been a...
slightly above average crowd.
Sheppard and Berenson take
the draw at center ice.
Berenson wins the faceoff.
Back to Bergman
who fires it up the boards to Bailey.
Bailey dumps it into the Boston end
as Orr and Leduc race to the corner.
Orr dishes it to Sims
as Berenson closes in.
Sims sends it up to O'Reilly
who crossed the red line.
He headmans it to Sheppard who
snaps one in on Rutherford
from the top of the faceoff dot
to the right of Rutherford.
Rutherford deflects it into the corner
where Thommie Bergman digs it out
and O'Reilly sends him into the boards
with a bruising check.
Now Marcotte to center.
Fuck yeah.
Shut up! Shut up!
Fuck.
What?
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah?
You mind if I take all these?
I don't see a nickel from them.
That a friend of yours?
Not really.
Maybe that'll be you someday.
Ha-ha. All right.
Hey, Chris.
Chris.
Hey.
Hi.
How you doing?
Think you lost something here.
There you go.
- Cool.
- That's for you.
Thanks, Arnie.
- All right, take care.
- Later, alligator.
Well? You ain't said nothin'.
I don't know.
Kind of miss the way it was before.
Empty?
Maybe.
At least it felt like me.
Let me let you in on a little somethin'.
Nobody wants to go to a
place that feels like you.
I'll be damned.
- Goldie, you did this?
- You asked for the moon and the stars.
We're building your rocket ship.
Right now, the Cellar is as
hot a draw as the Main Stage.
It's gonna get even more so after this.
So starting tonight, you get 30 minutes.
I can do that. Yeah, I can do that.
You work it to a tight 45,
and we'll go Main Stage.
As a headliner?
You stay on course,
I'm guaranteeing you Carson in a year.
Well, f... Carson in a year, that...
You work my Cellar.
You do your homework.
Is that a promise?
Promise?
Santa Claus makes promises.
That's why he's always smiling.
People who make guarantees never smile
because they know how much hard
fuckin' work it's gonna take.
I don't even... I don't...
I don't even know what to say.
I'm... Thank you, Goldie.
You think I did that just for you?
- Probably not.
- I want to be perfectly
clear here, Adam.
There are two things I will never do:
A, whisper in your ear,
and B, do something
that doesn't benefit me first.
You know what that makes me?
What?
The devil you know.
Guys, you know when you're
dating someone new?
The conversation is simple.
It's easy, right?
You know, it's harmless back story.
Like, oh, when you were six,
your cat had six kittens?
Neat. Wow.
Oh, you chipped a tooth
on a caramel apple?
Wow, that is interesting.
It's the conversational
equivalent of watching soccer.
It's boring as shit.
- What is Bill doing here?
- Killing it.
Yeah, where else should he be?
Have you guys not heard about his dad?
- What?
- He died last night.
- Heart attack.
- Shut the fuck up.
- His sister called me.
- Fuck.
- When's the funeral?
- Saturday.
But it doesn't matter,
because he's not going.
Really?
Not going to his own father's funeral.
I mean, he's gotta, don't he?
Apparently, he don't gotta.
Guys, we have no answers
for all this stuff.
You know, we're totally at a loss.
We dream about the time
she went and talked about that dumb cat
and her six kittens that we
never gave a fuck about.
You know when you go to
a Chinese restaurant,
you see a lot of Chinese
people eating there.
You think, "Hey, it's
probably a good restaurant."
You know, "We should eat there."
How come that doesn't
work with other things?
Like if you go to a bar
and see that it's filled
with alcoholics, you don't go,
"Hey, look at that guy
puking in the corner.
"Maybe this is where we should
have a few drinks," right?
Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
Then why aren't you laughing?
Because...
You're not funny.
And I don't love you anymore.
I'm not gonna lie.
I think one might've impacted the other.
We just had sex.
Yeah, I know. I was gonna leave a note,
but I felt like this is more personal.
You just gonna roll out
here with this shit?
Yeah. Dying's easy.
Family's hard. Don't worry about me.
When my Aunt Annie died, I had a cousin
who flew 3,000 miles to go the wake,
which made me look bad
'cause I lived a block away
and I missed it.
That is so weird,
knowing how much you prioritize family.
Shouldn't you be chasing
coyotes and watching them shit
and then sifting through it to find
your little cat's flea collar?
That was really... That was hurtful.
Seriously, what's going
on with you and Betty?
Yeah, what the fuck is going
on with you and Betty?
No, no, no. Guys. His father is dead.
Bill, this is your day.
Have you spoken to anyone in
your family since your decision?
No. Why would I?
My dad's dead.
It's very sad. There's not
much I can do about it.
You can be there for your family.
You can be there for your mom.
I have three brothers and two sisters.
That's plenty of people to keep
her chardonnay glass full.
That is a lot of people if
they're just pouring chardonnay.
On that note, it is late.
3 a.m. So...
What are you talking about?
I pay every time.
Go to the funeral. Jesus.
Hey.
Let me guess.
- Susan.
- Yeah.
Well, she's worried about you.
Your whole family is concerned.
- You don't have to do this.
- Do what?
Act like you don't care.
You're angry, I... Believe me, I get it.
What happened...
was so dramatic and shocking.
A heart attack out of nowhere, it's...
What are you doing?
I... what do you mean?
We're not that. Don't do that, okay?
I'm not your job anymore.
Just because we don't sleep together
doesn't mean that I don't
still care about you.
Yeah, well, do me a favor, Cass. Don't.
You here for methadone?
Is that what this place is?
- Funny.
- Mm-hmm.
Say good-bye to your heroin high.
Yeah.
I know you?
No.
You sure?
Look, I don't want to be a dick,
but I'm kind of reading
something here, so...
I saw you on TV!
Carson, right?
I saw you.
You're hilarious.
That was you, right?
Yeah, that was me.
- Ah! Johnny fucking Carson.
- Yeah.
Nick Beverly. Nick Beverly.
Well, I'm up.
Here's Johnny! Ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha.
Just going to get my methadone.
Hey, this guy was a fucking comedian
on The Tonight Show! That's Nick Beatty.
Oh, hey.
Aw, come here.
That's right.
You sit down. Hmm?
- Drink?
- Sure.
My sister said you sent flowers.
I just wanted to say thank you.
My uncle Isaac died of a heart attack
sitting on the sofa watching football.
The Jets get the touchdown.
Didn't budge.
We should all go so quietly.
Wasn't a heart attack.
Suicide.
Oh, Jesus, Billy.
He gassed himself in our garage.
He'd been depressed for a while, so...
Fuckin' suicide.
How're you holding up?
Your family?
You know. - No, I don't.
It's business as usual.
My sister said it was Japanese cars.
You know, my dad had
too much faith in GM.
He said Americans would
never buy a Jap car.
It'd been that way forever,
so why would it change?
He was always so fucking
sure of himself.
Death by lingchi.
By what?
- Lingchi.
- Mm-mm.
Death by a thousand cuts.
The Chinese, they would execute people
by cutting off
little pieces of their flesh
piece by piece.
That's how Dad described
life in general.
Slow. Methodical.
The ultimate punishment.
Punishment for what?
In my dad's case, hubris.
It kind of runs in the family.
Hey, Eddie.
- You happy here?
- I'd say I make a living,
but we both know that's not true.
Always with joke.
Eddie, I like you, but, uh,
open comedy not really working.
Best for everyone to stop.
Wait, what are you talking about?
It's just starting to catch on.
Four people sharing egg
cream for two hours
not really "catching on."
Think I'll go back to having sister sing
American songs about love and strife.
Grajca, please. Please be patient, okay?
These things, they...
They take time to build.
Comedy's gonna be a big draw here.
Trust me. You'll make money.
I don't know.
Maybe need hire different host.
I'm the emcee. I'm the host.
The whole freaking
point is that it's me.
Don't get me wrong. You're funny.
For all of five minutes.
- Then, eh.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying that I
don't have a tight 15?
Would you mind criticism?
You mean constructive criticism?
No, just criticism.
Tell joke more like,
"Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-funny line.
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da, funny line."
You get? - Yeah, Grajca, that's...
That's not really my style, okay?
I'm not a "da, da-da, da-da,
da" type of comic, you know?
Everything is all,
"My parents don't love me."
I never have sex with woman.
"I'm Jewish."
All so sad.
Okay.
I will "da, da-da, da-da, da,"
but you just, you got to
let me keep the open mic.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Two nights.
Thank you, Grajca.
Tuesday and Wednesday.
But... those are the two slowest nights.
What I need entertainment
for when it's busy?
If comedy make people come,
make come on nights when empty.
Cut the stand-up?
A little.
Look, it's hit or miss,
the girls going up alone
to the microphone,
but the sketches are coming along fine.
Fred is happy. Everybody's happy.
The girls are over the moon.
Stand-up is how this
whole thing originated.
Stand-up is what this show is about.
Goldie, I get it, okay?
Look, it's always the same
at this stage of production.
Everybody's running around
like Chicken Little,
saying the sky is falling,
everything's going to shit,
but, and Eli will back me up on this,
if you just stay calm
and you do your work,
everything's gonna turn
out all right, okay?
We do the sketches,
and we're working the stand-up,
what, by the girls popping up,
doing their little interstitial jokes.
It'll be just like Laugh-In.
Everybody wins.
What is this, 1970?
'Cause the last time I looked,
Laugh-In was headed down the shitter.
Listen, your sets,
they're brighter than the Sun's surface,
and there's a way to make stand-up work.
We take one of the sets,
and we make an exact
replica of my stage.
And why would I do that?
You've been to Goldie's.
I put the focus on the comic.
It's dark, and the funny shines.
And that's where the
focus would lie, huh?
Make for a better show,
and then we can give these comics
the five minutes each
that they signed up for.
Well, ain't you the hooker
with the heart of gold.
Goldie, people want to see
comedy in a comedy club,
they go to a club.
They don't want to watch it on TV.
Sketches work. It's been proven.
You're wrong. Dead wrong.
Really? I'm wrong?
Okay, and how Emmys do you have?
None, but if you air these sketches,
I will not be asking my maid
to dust off the mantel shelves
any time soon.
Okay, okay.
Look. I think Marty's right.
Let's keep the stand-up as it is,
with the girls popping
up every now and then.
They'll get plenty of time,
and then maybe have
the writers take another
whack at the sketches
and let the girls throw
in their two cents.
Huh?
Okay?
I don't know what the
hell that was up there.
I mean, no matter what's
going on between us,
we got to be on the same fuckin' page.
I am getting tired of
jumping on grenades
every time you open your mouth.
Why don't you try
listening for a change?
Well, if someone had something
fucking intelligent to say, I would.
Oh, right, 'cause you're the only one
with an opinion that's worth anything.
Given your vast experience
with the television landscape,
we should all just cock our heads
in your direction every time a
light bulb pops up over your head.
- Hey...
- It's network television.
It's not your night club.
Okay? Just do your job.
Let them do theirs.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
You ready for your next comic?
You've seen this guy on Carson,
and now you're gonna see him here.
The only difference is,
you are not in your pajamas
exhausted from begging
your wife for sex.
Ladies and gentlemen, big round
of applause for Nick Beverly!
Thank you for that
introduction, my good friend,
uh, weird Mexican guy
whose name keeps changing.
Manny Martinez, everybody.
Let's keep it going, huh?
So, my girlfriend
recently moved out.
She packed...
Fuck.
Sorry.
As I was saying
before God stuck his finger up my ass,
my girlfriend moved out recently.
Just picked up in the
middle of the night.
That, or we were robbed,
and they only took her shit.
It was probably time, though.
Our love life, not so great.
You know it's not good when
your girlfriend refers
to having sex with you as
"taking one for the team."
Who was that?
Who laughed?
What's your name?
Um, Robin.
Robin.
Don't. Okay?
I would rather a woman fake
an orgasm than fake a laugh.
All right?
Ooh, Nietzsche was right, huh?
"When you look into an abyss,
the abyss also looks into you."
Thanks for coming.
You know Nietzsche, Robin?
Hey. It's okay. It's okay.
It's not a test.
I was... You have passed.
I am the one who is up here failing.
Um...
It-it's okay. Tell a joke.
Right.
Um...
"One must still have chaos in oneself
to be able to give birth
to a dancing star."
I'm sorry, Robin.
Nick Beverly!
He is available for kids' parties.
Don't forget to tip your therapist, huh?
"The doorbell rings."
Bobby opens the door,
revealing a nervous mailman, Benny,
"who is now hyperventilating."
"Neither rain nor sleet nor hail's"
supposed to stop the U.S. Mail,
but nobody said anything about...
"black people."
"Something bothering you, my man?"
"I'm sorry. It's my
first day on the job,"
and nobody told me everyone
on my delivery route is...
"black."
"Brother, you're not swearing.
You can say the word."
"I just don't want to offend anyone."
"What are you talking about?
It's what we are.
- "Black is the color... "
- All right. Okay.
I'm gonna-I'm gonna
stop you right there.
It would really help me
for the audition tomorrow
if you could do it a little...
You know, just put a little...
You know what I'm saying.
Just do a little...
you know, a little jive in there.
You know what I mean.
What the fuck is "a little more jive"?
You know, just do it a little...
- Blacker.
- Blacker. Yeah.
Thank you.
You know, not like this angry black
you're doing right now, but...
But, you know, like, okay,
for example, it's not,
"What are you talking about?" It's...
- "Whatchu talkin' 'bout?"
- Who do you talk...
I'm doing it the way that I
would do it, and I'm black.
But you're real-life black.
I need, like, like, TV black.
You know, like you're written by
a bunch of white Jewish guys.
- What the fuck?
- What's going on?
Did you get stiffed by a
busload of blue hairs again?
Fucking Grajca's cutting
down the open mic
to Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
So what's the bad news?
All right. Okay.
You're auditioning for
a bit part on a sitcom,
so let's just tone down
the arrogance a notch.
Hmm. I'll remember this impertinence
when my TV paycheck
is floating your ass.
Are you really that delusional?
Do you think because you
might land a one-time part
that you're gonna be taking care of me?
How about we start with you
taking care of you for a change?
Huh? How about we start there?
- I was fucking joking.
- Oh.
Jeez, Mary, go pop a fucking Midol
and ride your cramps out in the closet.
I'm busy manifesting here.
Oh, if you say you manifested this,
I'm gonna kick the shit out
of you, just so you know.
I did. I manifested it.
All right.
You're dead.
Here we go.
You're dead.
- Come here, tough guy.
- Oh? Huh?
Don't fucking touch me.
Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
Ah!
Hey, I'm starting to
feel like this fight
was written by white Jewish guys.
Kaufman, man.
This fucking guy.
Genius.
I saw him do this busboy bit one time.
He was just yelling at the customers,
like, flipping out.
Half the people were laughing,
half the people didn't know
what the fuck he was doing.
It was amazing.
We're all slaves to the joke, right?
Not Kaufman.
That's probably why
everyone loves him so much.
There's nothing in here.
Not a word.
Did they hate everything?
Oh, trust me. They never
even read your stuff.
Talking to these people,
it's like coaxing
a fucking mule onto the expressway.
Sweetie.
Well, can't get any worse, right?
Never underestimate the
aggressively untalented.
Ugh. Thank you.
You got anybody coming
to the, uh, taping?
Uh, any of the guys?
No. Bill doesn't want
anything to do with me.
He hates me.
Trust me, it's not you Bill hates.
The whole thing with his dad.
Fucking terrible.
Ugh.
Heart attack.
It's just... It's-it's just awful.
Yeah.
Funeral is on Saturday, and I know Bill,
and I know what he's gonna
do to himself for not going.
Every one of these guys
is a high-wire act.
Falls are inevitable.
The best you can do is
help him back up there.
Well, he doesn't want my help.
More than sex,
more than laughing at their jokes or
telling them how strong they are,
men want help.
Yeah? So then why do they act
so stoic and hard all the time,
like a fucking tear means
they're about to get their period?
Eh, because that's the way we like 'em.
Ugh.
Ain't that the fucking truth?
How's the stand-up coming?
Hmm? You got a tight five for this show?
Fucked if I know.
Fucked if I know anything at this point.
You know what Goldie's was
before it was a comedy club?
Some kind of performance space?
Yeah, we did plays, one-acts,
monologues, folk singers.
We even had an act
where a gal rode a guy
around a stage naked for half an hour.
It was crazy times.
I ate, worked, and slept there.
Changed a lot of Mandy's
diapers there too.
Sid left when she was five,
and we bumped along another five years,
and then I rolled the dice on comedy.
After a while, things did what they did.
The point being,
it didn't matter whether
I was ready or not.
Shit was happening one way or another.
You ever wonder what
you would've done if,
you know, it failed?
Oh.
You mean like options?
Eh.
I guess.
You have options, you have outs.
All I had was gut and survival.
Believe me, Cass.
The best thing that ever happened to me
was getting painted into that corner.
You'll be okay.
So, how is it amongst the living, Nick?
You surviving?
'Bout it.
Three weeks now?
Mm-hmm. Yesterday.
Anything new come up as of late?
Meaning?
You know, getting clean.
Sometimes, when the fog lifts,
shit gets a little clearer.
Yeah, one thing's a little clearer.
I'm... not funny anymore.
You rang?
I'm putting Adam up
at ten tomorrow night
in the Cellar.
30 minutes.
Double time.
You're emceeing down
there tomorrow night.
I thought you should know.
Anything else?
You tell me.
Well, based off what, Goldie?
A fucking article in the Free Press?
Remember Skip Krake?
- Yeah.
- Jerry Korab?
And they were the next
hot fucking thing too.
I got to say, Ralph,
I'm kind of surprised.
I thought you'd want to support the kid,
maybe even mentor him.
Why? 'Cause he black?
Well, partly.
Mostly because he needs it.
Yeah, well, you know what?
I already reached out,
and that motherfucker bit me.
But you know what really burns my ass?
I been on this stage most every night
since you opened this place.
Where is my fuckin' article?
Where's my hand up, huh?
And please don't give me this bullshit
about Sonny and Cher.
I ain't talking no phone calls
where I make somebody else funny.
Truly sorry, Ralph.
I had no idea things were so tough.
I've done everything that's
ever been asked of me.
Motherfuckin' everything.
Ralph.
I got to admit, I'm kind of lost.
Who exactly are you railing against?
Oh, thank you.
You guys having a good time?
Yeah. Good, good.
Only 16 more comics to go.
All right, we're gonna have...
So you doing better?
A relative term.
Yeah, well, you look like shit.
It's a good thing.
Means you're doing the program.
Thanks for doing this.
Taking me back.
You can, uh, thank your fairy godmother.
Anyways, the, uh, the Mike Douglas Show,
they love you.
Doesn't that shoot in Philly?
Oh, they'll fly you out.
The people we're meeting
first, they're here.
We're having lunch with them tomorrow.
- What do they know about...
- Nada.
You're as straight as
the Tin Man's dick,
as far as anyone's concerned.
Can you do me a favor?
God knows I owe you one.
I know you're going
through a lot of shit,
getting cleaned up, girlfriend,
but I need to see a little bit more
than what's standing in front of me.
Can you manage that?
You got it, Chief.
Excellent.
You seen Sully before?
Yes, I have.
Can you stop?
It's bad enough we have to touch asses,
but when they rub, it's too much.
Should I just call them?
Jesus.
We've been through this.
They're probably dealing
with more important things
than your two-line part.
They'll probably call you tomorrow.
Yeah, most likely to say "no, thanks"
after you put the kibosh on it.
- Excuse me?
- You.
You unmanifested this job for me.
That's not a word.
All my hard work manifesting
just... down the toilet
thanks to you, Captain Negative.
Well, I worked a double shift,
so I'm too tired to listen to
your goo-goo universe talk.
Yeah, right, like there's not
part of you that'll be happy
if I don't get this job.
Our asses aren't even touching.
It's just all the
negativity in your ass,
it's like a magnet sucking
all the positive energy
I've been manifesting out of my ass.
Ron...
did you ever think that
if you don't get the job,
it's because you didn't
do anything to earn it?
You didn't manifest anything
with your positive bullshit.
You got lucky. You got an audition.
And now if it doesn't go your way,
you want to point fingers,
claiming that somehow I caused
you not getting the part?
If you don't get the part,
it's because there was somebody
fuckin' better for the job.
End of fuckin' story. Get used to it.
Hey! You two!
Either shut the fuck up or get married!
Fuck off!
Wait, you want my Chris?
Just for one night.
I'll pay him 20 bucks.
It's for a comedy bit.
An avant-garde comedy bit.
So, what, you're gonna make
fun of my son or something?
No, no, no.
Never. I promise.
He's gonna make fun of me.
How you doing, Chief?
- Figgy?
- Oh, yeah, I want a figgy.
- Cool.
- Been in a school play, right?
I think so.
- Yeah, cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
When you see your Nick,
you can tell him to go fuck himself.
Hold on.
Getting a pencil.
What'd he do?
We had a meeting with the
Mike Douglas people today.
All he had to do was fucking show up.
Instead, no-show, and I'm stuck
with my dick in my hand,
looking like an asshole.
You couldn't come up with an excuse?
Maybe I overestimated you as an agent.
Ha-ha-ha. Fuck you.
You're gonna have to get in
line like everybody else.
♪ Lighthearted rock
music ♪ Fucking cunt.
I look like family?
All I know is, your mom
wanted it out, pronto.
Can you sign? I got to get going.
Look, fucking thing's cherry.
He obviously wanted you to have it,
so why not enjoy it?
Fruits of his labor and shit.
Yeah?
Of course.
Okay.
Thanks.
Yeah, thanks for calling.
Uh, no, but I do enjoy sex.
I really do.
But what I enjoy most
is the sound of a woman having sex.
Her all moaning and loud.
And me,
with a cup pressed against
the wall, listening.
Uh, well, thank you.
You've been a very, uh, lively crowd.
Have a good night.
Eddie.
We're out of the brisket,
and the soup is chicken and rice.
Oh, I didn't come here to eat.
I came here to pay you
for the joke I used.
- Stole.
- Stole.
And to make you an offer.
Now, look, you're a funny guy,
so I want you to write
more stuff for me.
Now, I'm gonna pay you
for everything I use.
5 bucks a joke.
Well, let me think about it. Fuck you.
Okay.
Look. If you get over yourself...
Here's my card.
Okay.
So you're gonna help me out with my act,
but nobody can know that you're helping.
- It's a secret.
- Exactly.
- Do you know what heckling is?
- No.
It's when a comic's up on stage
and you say mean shit to
him to fuck with him.
- That's two swears.
- Sorry.
So you want me to yell
mean things at you?
Yeah, but it's all pretend.
See, when I start talking,
you immediately yell,
"You suck!" Or, "Get off the stage!"
Or whatever mean thing you want to yell,
and then you just keep
yelling mean things out
until the end of the act.
Arnie, why is that funny?
Well, there's this guy
named Andy Kaufman.
He's a real genius.
He just comes on stage
and does weird stuff.
People love it.
So it's like that.
It's, uh, complicated.
- I can add fractions.
- Great!
So you know what I'm talking about.
Definitely.
Fantastic.
That's why I date Jewish girls.
Seriously.
I love Jewish women. I do.
But you know what's a lot of pressure?
Being a white person's
only black friend.
No, no, no. I'm being serious, y'all.
'Cause it's like, you got to get used to
being shown off like
you're some possession
that makes them cooler.
"Oh, yes, this is my,
uh, my Mercedes-Benz."
And this over here is my
state-of-the-art sound system.
And if you look behind you...
Don't get scared now...
"That's my black friend, Lamar."
"Hey, man, I'ma fuck your wife."
"Isn't he delightful?"
One thing I like to do
when I'm a white person's
only black friend is, I like to...
give 'em misinformation,
you know, just to fuck with 'em.
Say shit like, "Hey, you know,
when a black person"
loses a baby tooth, an adult tooth pops
right into place,
but then when they lose
that adult tooth,
a gold tooth, right there.
Just pops... " It's
like a rite of passage.
Look, smile, brother.
I told you. See, it's not a joke.
Seriously. Another one...
Ooh, another good one is
I like to say, "Hey,
do you know why all black dudes",
like, wear shower caps in the... "
Come on, man. Give me five minutes.
Help a brother out.
You're cutting me off.
I'm trying to help a brother off.
Aww.
Thank you.
Adam Proteau!
Comic to watch in '74...
You know, if you ain't
already got shit to do.
Time was up.
Anyway, look at you. Looking delicious.
Girl, what's up?
Hey, how much longer you gonna
put up with this disrespect?
Now, listen, my offer
is still good, son.
You could be headlining tomorrow night
at King Theodore's, and ain't nobody
gonna cut you off then.
That's for damn sure.
What's the matter?
You want to say something?
No, I just think that it's
best if I stay here for now.
No, but thank you, though. That's cool.
Oh, this is just because, um,
Goldie got you a picture in
the paper last week, huh?
Oh. Yeah, Free Press.
Good to know that your
picture's gonna be
gracing the bottom of
birdcages all over LA.
But you the only one shittin' on it.
Meanwhile, Goldie gave me double time,
30 minutes, so I'm cool.
Gives you double pay too?
Seem like she gettin'
the best of the deal.
All you got is a story in
a paper that nobody reads.
Chinese food, though.
It's a dog-eat-dog world, right?
I kid the Chinese.
Actually, uh, I have a
Chinese half-brother.
I don't see him much 'cause he's
been working on the railroads.
What's going on?
Arnie wanted us to catch his set.
You ever go to a Chinese restaurant
just 'cause you see a
bunch of Chinese people
eating there?
How come that doesn't work with,
uh, other things, right?
Like when you go to a bar
and see that it's filled
with alcoholics...
You don't go, "Hey, there's a
drunk puking in the corner."
Maybe this is where we
should get a few drinks."
- This is awful.
- I know.
I'm sorry, I just want to make
sure everyone gets the concept.
Arnie!
Yeah? Yeah?
Arnie's dancing!
Not dancing. What the fuck?
Did you not listen to one word I said?
What the fuck is your problem?
What do you think is his problem?
He's mentally handicapped, you prick.
Fuck you, you fuckin'
four-eyed ham sandwich!
- Ha-ha!
- This is between me and him.
Yeah, very mature. Fuck you, man!
Eat shit, you melted crayon.
Holy shit.
- Oh, Arnie.
- What is he doing?
Is this really happening,
or am I back on heroin?
My wife's filing for divorce,
I haven't seen my son in a week,
and I'm on Ralph's couch, and I still
wouldn't trade places
with Arnie right now.
Fuck you! I have a sister
who's mentally disabled, asshole.
Oh, yeah? I bet she fuckin'
brags about you too.
Oh!
Oh, my God. Edgar, you're emceeing
this episode of The Twilight Zone.
Get the fuck up there.
It would be easier if I yelled "fire."
You know what? Your dad
didn't come in your mom,
he pissed inside her.
Yeah, I'm a piss baby, weirdo.
Get the fuck out of here!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- I tripped on the chair leg.
- What the hell?
I'm so sorry.
Yay! Hey!
Keep it going for Arnie.
Or not. Or not.
Okay, I'll be right there.
I got it. I got the job.
You got it?
Yeah, they called this afternoon.
Um, I got to be in
wardrobe tomorrow at 8:00.
I'm-I'm really happy for you, pal.
Thanks.
Why... Why don't you seem excited?
I don't know.
I mean, like you said,
it's just a bit part.
Like, you know, then what after?
I'm just back to being a
doorman doing open mic.
It doesn't fuckin'...
I was being a douche bag.
I mean, this is a great thing.
Trust me.
Yeah?
Ron.
You're gonna be on TV.
That's fucking huge, man.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- You know.
I'm gonna be on TV.
You-you hungry?
You want something to eat?
No, I can't, I got to go meet
an agent in a half-hour.
Really? No shit.
Yeah, yeah, I mean,
Ernie set it up, so, um...
I'll just catch you when you get home?
Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Hey. Um...
I didn't manifest any of this.
You did.
Did what?
All of it.
I mean, you manifested it.
I-I got this job because of you,
not in spite of you.
I mean, let's face it...
I am kind of a fuckup,
and you always make the tough
decisions for both of us,
so...
Thank you.
Wow.
I'm not used to sincere Ron.
Well, drink him in, 'cause he just left
with that last sentence.
All right. I'll see you back
at the fart box, amigo.
Wow.
Holy shit.
You lucky prick.
Ugh. My dad drives a shit box.
He might as well live to 100
for how I'm gonna make out.
- Right off the assembly line.
- It's beautiful, Bill.
You and your dad tool
around town in this a lot?
You shittin' me?
He bought this when I was out here.
I went home two Christmases in
a row. Never even sat in it.
No, this was all his, and his alone.
Then how about we make up for lost
time, you take us for a spin?
Sure, why the fuck not?
Not me. I got a 7:00 a.m.
sales call in Los Feliz.
Nick, aren't you going up soon?
Not by the looks of it.
Can I?
Your call.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You know this car's three years old
and has just over 4,000 miles on it?
Can you believe that?
What, he just drive it
to church on Sunday?
I know. It's crazy, right?
My mom rode in it twice.
Whatever.
You sure you want to partake?
Does a bear shit wherever
the fuck he wants?
Why didn't you go up tonight?
Fuck knows.
Didn't feel it.
You're dealing with more
than your act, Nick.
I mean, quitting heroin, it's...
I think it's pretty brave, man.
Yeah, well.
Book ain't been written yet.
So this might come as a surprise
to you lovely white people,
but I was not a fan of
the Civil Rights Act.
I loved having our own bathroom.
Finally, we...
What the hell is Ralph doing on stage?
He's supposed to be
emceeing in the Cellar.
Okay, so, Nick bailed,
so Ralph took his spot.
Now Walter's covering the Cellar.
What do you mean, bailed?
He blew off his set?
I guess he went for a
joyride with Bill and Cassie
in Bill's dead dad's new car.
- You're looking good, Manny.
- Thank you.
Just have the same quality
drinking fountains.
One white. One black.
One got Kool-Aid. One got...
Why do I get the feeling
that's probably the first time
the inside of that car's heard any music
that didn't have yodeling in it?
Conway Twitty.
My dad loved Conway Twitty.
Hey, Bogie, are you
gonna pass that or what?
It's out.
Well, lookee what I found.
Jesus. Where'd you find this?
Ashtray.
Thing's so fucking clean,
you could eat out of it.
Is that gold?
My dad got this from GM
his 20th year there.
I haven't seen this in years.
He quit smoking a year
after they gave it to him.
They fired him... and still...
his precious GM lighter
in his precious GM car.
What a fucking idiot.
Well, that must've really
meant something to him,
his time at that company.
It's a company, Cass.
It's not a fucking... It's not people.
- Okay.
- Seriously.
Why hold onto a useless lighter?
Because it's got a GM logo on it?
That precious to you?
This is the sum of a man's life:
a car he never drove,
a lighter he never used,
and a family he never talked to.
What the fuck for?
It's all useless shit, Dad!
Hey.
Bill, let's head back, okay?
Yeah. We'll go to Canter's, huh?
My treat.
Bill, what are you doing?
Bill.
What are you doing?
Death by fucking lingchi,
that's what I'm doing.
Oh! What the fuck, Bill?
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, shit.
Stop! All right?
It's your dad's car.
It's a fucking gift.
A gift?
He fucking killed himself in that gift.
He ran a hose through the back window.
What the fuck does that tell you, huh?
What kind of fucking gift is that?
"My dead fucking body will be found"
in the seat that you drive around in.
"Enjoy!"
Fuck.
Is this us playing catch together, huh?
Is this him saying "I love you"?
There's a thin fucking line
between "I love you" and "fuck you."
Useless. You're fucking useless.
Fucking useless.
Fuck him.
Oof.
I don't know if this is a
good thing to bring up,
but weren't you and
Maggie sleeping together?
Yeah.
Don't you kind of like her?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
So then, you're okay with...
That?
Yeah, I mean, we-we had sex
before she went to work this morning.
Really?
It's kind of complicated.
Right.
Ugh. Sorry.
Time to say good-bye, Bill.
Hey.
You coming?
I don't want eggs.
Sure you do.
Here's coffee.
I don't have it anymore.
It's all...
Fuck it.
Thought we were gonna have
an honest conversation.
Roy dropped you.
Guess that calls for eggs.
There's cold cuts and
soda in the fridge.
You go up at 10:00. Don't be late.
Yeah. Hi. Kenny. Yeah, it's Eddie.
Eddie Zeidel.
Yeah, I'm wondering if
that offer's still good.
Jesus.
What's the story, Eli? You don't call.
We talked about this.
We never let personal
bleed into business.
Goldie, sit.
We talked about this a long time ago.
Goldie.
Sit.
I haven't been avoiding.
I've been negotiating.
Negotiating what?
Your severance.
You're fired, Goldie.
So that's it, huh?
Fired.
You're my fucking lawyer, Eli.
My partner in all this.
Nothing?
You couldn't defend me?
And get fired too?
No.
'Cause then I'd be you.