I'm Dying Up Here (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 7 - My Rifle, My Pony and Me - full transcript

[Ron] Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...

- The hell are we doing here?
- Said you wanted an audience.

But I'm not an alcoholic.

Yeah, don't open with that.

Bill, it's over. Go home.

Well, I did the one thing
that no comic's ever done.

I got my shit together.

I could put together a group of women,

make them pee their pants faster
than bad Nielsen ratings.

You could call your special
Girls Are Funny Too.

Edgar, Melvin and I served together.



Oh, really? What restaurant?

[laughs]

- I'm not a fucking junkie.
- No, not you.

Who's the cute blonde
you got going up here?

[Marty] Does the Texas Jew thing?

Cassie's not ready yet. I got
a laugh track says she is.

We agree to this, the
project moves forward?

Green-lit.

[Goldie] You're in.

You told me that my act wasn't ready.

Who said anything about doing your act?

They want the girl from Wink.

♪ Jazz music ♪

♪♪♪



Really? All right.

Tell your face.

[laughter]

[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

[wild laughter]

[Adam] I used to do a
lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad
was in the business...

of breaking shit.

[laughter continues]

[Cassie] Well, what are
you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.

[laughter]

[Edgar] All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

[laughter and applause]

♪ Al Green's "Tired of
Being Alone" plays ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm so tired of being alone ♪

♪ I'm so tired of on my own ♪

♪ Won't you help me girl ♪

♪ Just as soon as you can... ♪

Right this way.

- ♪ People say... ♪
- [Eddie] Hi.

♪ To make you say... ♪

You have a nice day.

♪ That you love me... ♪

♪ Ah! ♪

♪ I'm so tired of being alone ♪

♪ I'm so tired of being alone ♪

♪ So tired of being alone ♪

♪ Sometimes late at night I get
to wondering about you baby ♪

[Cassie] My uncle was the town drunk,

which in Wink, Texas is
an elected position.

- [laughs]
- I like it.

Uh, it's one of those rare positions

where falling down on the job
is actually a requirement.

- [small sound]
- Eh, I don't know about that.

I moved to Wink when I was ten

after my parents died.

They went to Heaven,
and we went to Wink.

Stop. No dead parents, I told you.

I know, but some of this new stuff

is really starting to play out there.

[Goldie sighs]

This is prime time.

Your parents are out at a hootenanny,

making music blowing through a jug.

All right.

Well, what if I just maim 'em?

Building a relationship
with a network audience

is it's... it's like
building any relationship.

You lead with your best behavior

before you shit on their heads.

You stick with the Texas
twang, the wide-eyed innocence

and...[inhales] dating
relatives with funny names.

Well, I haven't used Lum yet.

You are a comedy gold mine, Daisy Mae.

[lighter clatters]

[with "Texas twang"]
Thank you kindly, ma'am.

- There you go!
- [sighs/groans]

[Ron] Got my 30-day chip today.

[group applauds]

Thirty days without alcohol.

Uh, I also got my "130
days without sex" chip.

- [laughter]
- Yeah.

That was more of a scar than a chip.

I mean, if it hadn't been for a hand job

I got just for shutting up,

we could be talking about
well over a year here.

[laughter]

But, I mean, if you think
I got a drinking problem,

you should see the women that
agree to have sex with me.

They are basically just
vaginas floating in vodka.

- [overlapping groans]
- [bell dings]

Ahh, okay. That's my time.

Uh, this next guy... [inhales sharply]

[chuckles] Ooh hoo hoo hoo!
Not for the faint of heart.

He's done some pretty unforgivable shit.

Let's give a big Try
God welcome to Terry.

Terry, everybody.

[group clapping]

[mutters]

Keep coming back.

Are you kidding? I love this room.

[all] Hi, Terry.

[performer talking
indistinctly] Jesus Christ!

- Hey, Nick.
- Hey, Lovis.

There's a lot of chatter
about you in here, huh?

The booths are full of suits.

All right. Thanks.

Your next comedian coming to
the stage is a very funny guy.

Formerly a very funny
doorman here at Goldie's.

Big round of applause for Joey Spencer!

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- [applause]

All right, thanks.

Manny Martinez, everybody,
keep it going for him.

[applause]

It's okay, he's the one Mexican here

who's not trying to steal your job...

[both grunt]

[amplifier feedback screeches]

Joey Spencer, ladies and gentlemen, huh?

- [crowd commotion]
- Let's keep it going.

I'm Mike Lovis, and I've
been working the door here

at Goldie's a lot longer than him.

- Ain't that right, shit-stain?
- [moaning]

Sounds like a yes to me.

So I'm in the grocery store
the other day and I see a

- woman start to have a seizure.
- Just get off the...

God damn it! In the "12
items or less" line.

So I do what any person would
do in that kind of situation.

I start counting how many items she has

in... her... fucking cart.

- No, no, no.
- [crowd commotion, laughter]

So I'm all like, "Twelve, 13..."

She had 17 fucking items in her cart!

Three years! Three years I worked

- that fucking door!
- Go over here!

And I've been up in The Cellar one time!

And Joey gets the fucking Main Stage!

- [Lovis] Fucking bullshit!
- [crowd murmurs]

- All right, Joey Spencer.
- [Lovis] ...fucker!

[Arnie] Keep it going for Joey Spencer.

[scattered clapping]
[Lovis continues shouting]

Sorry, everybody.

- Um...
- [indistinct talking]

So I was out with this
girl the other night.

Ah!

What the hell's going on in here?

Lovis flipped out.

Must be some kind of doorman syndrome.

How 'bout those gas prices, huh?

What's the deal with that, huh?

No... no, no!

[snaps] Ron. Take the door.

[Lovis] Nixon was... [grunts]

- [mutters] Me?
- That's your name, right?

Yeah, yeah, no, I-I just
didn't know that you knew it.

It was great catching up with you.

Now grab the fucking door.

[Lovis] Three years, three years
I worked that fucking door!

Yes, ma'am.

[quietly] Goldie told me... Did you...

- [man] Lovis, it's cool!
- [man] You did good.

[Lovis] Fucking bullshit! Fuck you!

[Ralph] Now get your fucking ass out!

[Lovis continues yelling]

[muffled yelling]

Arnie.

Goldie told me to watch the door.

She knows my name.

Ooh, stirring.

You watching the door,
you need a T-shirt.

What size are you?

Medium.

Oh, we only have smalls.

Why the fuck did you ask?

It's called common courtesy, douchebag.

All right.

Give Ron a large shirt.

[Joey continues in background]

[loud applause]

[Adam] That is the weirdest sex
ever, the weirdest sex, okay?

Now, ladies, I don't want y'all
to take this the wrong way,

but y'all are fucking crazy.

[laughter]

Always trying to figure us men out.

You think I'm playing?

When JFK got shot, his wife
jumped on the trunk of the car

- and grabbed his brains.
- [all moaning]

Even when we dead, y'all
wanna know what we thinking.

[laughter, groaning]

Bay of Pigs? No.

Cuban missile crisis?

Not interested.

Marilyn.

[laughter]

That bitch.

I knew you was in here somewhere.

You're in some shit when
we get to the house.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat Muzak playing]

[Eddie] I'm from Boston originally.

Uh, my father owned a men's shop.

Big sports town, Boston.
Big sports town.

Red Sox, Yankees. You know?

One of the great rivalries
in professional sports.

Uh, my father, he hated the Yankees.

You know?

The-the thing my father
detests most, in order,

are the Yankees, the Nazis,

and ill-fitting suits.

♪♪♪

Um, my father's very critical

of-of how people dressed.

In fact, when we go to see
the Sox play the Yankees

at Fenway Park, my father would
often direct his insults

at how the Yankees players
looked in their uniforms

rather than the players themselves.

[chuckles] Hey, Mantle!

[phone rings]

Mantle!

You look like shit out there!

A well-fitted shoulder should lie flat

and be the same length
as the bone und...

You okay, sir? You-you
need to walk or...

Thank you.

A well-fitted shoulder should lie flat

and be the same length
as the bone under it!

And should meet the
sleeve of the uniform

right where your arm
meets your shoulder!

Ya bum!

[man] Pick up.

Okay. Thank you.

You've been a very
well-behaved audience.

[Muzak continues in background]

♪♪♪

You good over here? All right.

Hey, would you guys like
some refills, or...

All right.

- Would you like a refill?
- Decaf.

Okay.

Funny stuff.

Uh, yeah, doing my best.

Kenny Vesey.

Uh, hey.

Eddie Zeidel.

Wait, are you, uh,

are you Kenny In The AM?

Kenny!

Holy shit. Man.

I-I listen to you all the
time since I've, uh,

since I've been here from Boston.

I'm a Yankee fan. But

I'm gonna fight every instinct I have

and still leave you a decent tip.

Well, my hand-to-mouth
existence thanks you.

[chuckles]

No, seriously, man, uh...

- You and Klein the other day.
- Mm.

It was so funny.

Jesus, I've known Bobby
since our New York days.

Yeah, we did, uh,

did a lot of coffee shops together.

- Right.
- Seriously though.

Funny shit.

Especially the closer.

"Closer," huh?

More like segue to pouring coffee.

[laughs] Well,

keep at it.

Maybe one day soon we'll have you on.

- Oh.
- You know what? Here.

Thanks for Babe Ruth.

And thank you for No No Nanette.

[chuckles]

I can't tell you how anxious CMA is

to get into the Nick
Beverly business, huh?

Seriously.

Yeah, I'm more of a, uh,
mom and pop operation

right now than a business.

We launch careers, Nick.

- Yeah.
- Seriously, that's what we do.

Look, as a side note, uh,

[sniffs]

I'm a full-service agent, Nick. Hm?

You say jump. I say how ♪ high? ♪

Bolivian. Not so much as a footprint.

Yeah, not much of a coke man,

but a lovely gesture nonetheless.

Cool.

Just know,

late or loaded,

CMA has got your back, Nick.

Seriously.

Late and loaded, I got.

So why don't we go with
rich and famous, huh?

[snickers] Speaking my language.

Your wish is my command.

[Ralph] Hey, I'm gonna
hit the road early.

7 a.m. sharp.

You hear me?

Yeah. 7 a.m. sharp.

So that means, what,
you'll be ready by 8?

8:15. I still haven't packed.

Oh, yeah. It's your Sonny and Cher gig.

Yeah, baby, four
sold-out shows in Vegas.

Oh.

It's like a boring white
people convention.

Yeah, but I'm gonna be yawning
all the way to the bank

at a grand a gig to open for those two.

Bring me to Vegas. I'd
be nice to get away.

Well, Edgar already wormed
his way into driving.

I didn't worm my way into driving, okay?

That's like saying
somebody wormed their way

into painting your apartment.

Comped room at Caesar's?

All the food and drink you can handle?

You a motherfucking
worm, and you know it.

[laughter]

[Edgar] It's a little wormy.

[Ralph] First of all, if you go anyway,

which bed you gonna sleep in?

- [Ralph] Mine or Edgar's?
- [Cassie laughs]

Oh, hey.

Here's a funny prick you want to know.

Bill Hobbs, Miles Farber, CMA.

Bill Hobbs, yeah. Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.

I seen your stuff. I'm a big fan.

Seriously.

Yeah, we've already met.

When you passed on repping me.

Uh, yeah, sorry,

I usually don't forget a face.

No, please, forget this one.

That way, a year from now
after I've been on Carson

and you come crawling
back to suck my cock,

I can tell you to go fuck yourself.

Seriously.

I did say prick.

♪ Jazzy music playing ♪

♪♪♪

You know, Goldie,

I've always liked your club.

Something about it reminds
me of my daddy's place.

[chuckles]

Yeah, all the talent
that's come through here.

Only instead of, uh, Coleman Hawkins

and Thelonious Monk,

now it's Richard and Carlin.

Different music, but same energy.

That's lovely, Barton. You
got something on your mind?

- Adam Proteau.
- What about him?

I'm just wondering, is it wise

you hiding him in your cellar is all?

♪♪♪

Carl is a good manager.

And he was taking care of that kid.

Till you whispered in his ear.

Nobody's casting aspersions.

Boy made his own decisions.

Yeah?

So what are you to him now?

A friend.

No financial entanglements.

Just seems obvious, so much talent.

And look, when you got a van Gogh,

you don't hang it in the cellar.

[laughs]

It's my van Gogh.

I'll hang it wherever the fuck I want.

Look, Barton, I'm sure
you're a hell of a pimp,

but don't ever come into my club

and tell me how to handle my kids.

Stick to what you know...

Racketeering and getting Pryor laid.

♪♪♪

Don't fool yourself, Goldie.

We're both pimps.

Only my whores get paid.

♪ Mellow jazz continues ♪

[Ron] So I've been making
the amend rounds lately.

Uh, it's been about eight weeks,
and I'm up to the Cs now.

- Hold for laughs.
- Really?

You know what? A-at least my audience

can get up and leave; yours
are trapped till they

finish their unpronounceable
sausage specials.

Don't you feel bad pretending
to be an alcoholic

just to work on your material?

[scoffs] Are you kidding?

It's like one country song
after another in there.

Trust me, I'm providing
much-needed comic relief.

Besides I gotta up my game
now that I'm a door guy.

I mean, Goldie gives those
guys special treatment.

They get to pick their own
spots at open-mic night,

so she's bound to see me.

And when she does...
Carson, here I come.

Hold for the amazing
lack of self-awareness.

A year from now when me and Johnny

are playing golf together,

I want you to think back on this moment

when you wonder why I
never ask you to caddie.

[snickers]

[Kenny on radio] All right,
thanks for that call, Sharon.

Now, you heard her, folks.

If you like funnel cakes,
if you like petting zoos,

you are running out of time!

This is the final weekend,
so head on over to that

L.A. County Fair!

Stay tuned, everybody
this is Kenny in the AM.

[Rockin' Horse's "Rock &
Roll Fever" plays on radio]

♪♪♪

♪ Ever since I was a young boy... ♪

[knock on door]

♪ I was jumping to Chuck Berry
almost every single day ♪

♪ But Daddy told me
son that stuff will ♪

- ♪ Go right to your head ♪
- [toilet flushes]

♪ But Daddy didn't know it
got me flying like a jet ♪

♪ And I've got oh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Rock and roll fever ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Rock and roll fever ♪

♪ Really put me there in
the spotlight, yeah ♪

♪ Rock and roll fever... ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Oh! ♪

[Kenny] All right, Kenny
Vesey, everybody,

and we're talking to Nick Beverly

on Kenny in the AM!

[chorus over recording] ♪ Wake up ♪

- [inhaling]
- [man] Man, biscuit!

Now, I don't know how
many of you caught it,

but Nick was on The Tonight Show.

What was that, about a week ago?
How'd that go?

It was incredible.

How bad was Ed's breath?

Because when I was on, he could
have knocked a buzzard off a

[plays kazoo] wagon!

It was so bad...

Yeah, I can't say I got that close,

but Johnny smelled delightful.

I'd like to find a car freshener
that smells just like Johnny.

[laughs] All right. Speaking of cars,

it's time for KROQ's traffic and weather

on Kenny in the AM! [plays woodwind toy]

[chorus over recording]
♪ Traffic and weather ♪

[man continues, indistinct]

I'm just not totally sold.

Are you a fuckin' idiot?

- Doorman's a plumb gig.
- [coughs]

How much money you make
is totally up to you.

It's all a big hustle, Ronnie.

Hey, what's this "Ronnie" shit?

All right, here's the deal, "Ronnie."

Main room has three levels, 'kay?

Up front, that's your target range

for comics doing crowd work.

Ideally you want to sit hot chicks,

old guys with hot chicks,
and homosexuals.

And how will I know they're homosexuals?

You know, homo behavior.

Giggling, white wine.

Manners.

The back is noisy and it
has poor sight lines,

so that's strictly for the rabble.

So the prime seating is the booths?

Oh, yeah, that's where you're

gonna make most of your bread.

Say some high roller comes
in asking about a booth,

you say, "Sorry, pal.

These booths are reserved
for Presidents Lincoln,

Hamilton, and Jackson."

[Eddie] Hamilton was not a president.

He was the country's first
Secretary of the Treasury,

and he also helped found
the Federalist Party.

Well, cock-a-doodle- who-gives-a-fuck?

- [Ron sighs]
- Anyway,

I'm doorman supervisor, so I
get 20 percent of your take.

Are you shitting me?

Eh, you'll still make plenty.

That's where I started. Look at me now.

Not right now, later now.

When I'm dressed.

[bong bubbling]

Hey, fuck you! I own a Mustang!

[Kenny on radio] All right,
we're back everybody.

Kenny Vesey, we're
talking to Nick Beverly

about Dodger fans...

Ooh, Nick's on.

[Nick on radio] Only
tension during the game

is when it's all tied up in
the middle of the seventh

and they can't find their
cars in the parking lot.

- [laughs]
- [Kenny laughs]

You know Kenny Vesey caught my
act at the deli last night?

Complimented me. Nice guy.

I got to tell you something, pal.

I used to go to a lot
of Yankees-Sox games.

And my uncle, who was a tailor,

all his insults about the Sox

used to be about how their clothes fit.

Hey, Ted Williams!

A well-fitted shoulder lies flat

and should meet the
sleeve of your uniform

right where your arm
meets your shoulder!

Ya bum!

[Nick and Kenny laugh]

That's your joke.

I wouldn't be bragging.

[Kenny on radio] I'm gonna
tell you how the term...

That motherfucker.

[Eli groans]

- What? What the hell?
- Jesus.

What... what is all this?

[Eli] Extra, extra. Read all about it.

Goldie Herschlag,

exec producing CBS comedy special.

[laughs, inhales]

Finally, news that's fit to print.

- Madam?
- Apple wine?

- [chuckles]
- Where's the Dom?

Uh-uh-uh.

There's a story.

Well, I hope it's a
story about champagne.

Years ago, before I had a dime,

I toasted my very first
deal with a bottle

of this fine Boone's Farm Apple Wine.

And nothing... And I mean nothin'...

Ever tasted as good.

Come here.

[soft laugh]

[glasses clink]

[both] Mmm.

That is yummy.

[giggles]

[breathes deeply]

This is big.

[laughs] Are you kid...

As your lawyer, I'm telling
you, this is very big.

And don't worry about the Dom,
there'll be plenty of that

tomorrow night at the Dansaks' party.

- Good, because this is awful.
- [grunts]

You know, uh, Camille's
gonna be there, so...

Course she is. She's your wife.

To our baby.

- [glasses clink]
- Ohh...

Mmm.

Hey.

I thought you was moving furniture.

Yeah.

For my people, beanbag
chairs are furniture.

[chuckles]

[Sonny and Cher's "I
Got You Babe" plays]

♪♪♪

♪ They say we're young
and we don't know... ♪

Hey.

Getting in the zone.

What kind of black dude are you?

Look, Sonny and Cher
have done me a solid.

I'm opening for the biggest
audience I've ever played for

all because they believe in me.

So forgive me if I don't share your ire.

"Ire"?

I repeat, what kind of
black dude are you?

The kind that's trying to
build a motherfucking career

and take care of his own

rather than trying to fix
a motherfucking world

that don't give a shit.

Why does everybody think

every black comic gotta
be all in your face

about how black they are?

Can't shit just be funny?

You see, now that sounded black.

Two octaves higher,
I'd pull over the van

so you could hold up a liquor store.

[laughs]

You'd like that.

The revolution will be televised,

and I'm hosting that motherfucker.

♪ Babe ♪

♪ I got you babe ♪

[humming]

[man on radio talking indistinctly]

[knocks]

Yeah?

I got a scoop you won't
find in the trades.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Arnie,

does everything with you
come with a drum roll?

I-I just talked to our liquor guy.

He's gonna have one less
stop to make on his route.

Teddy's.

Cut off.

Three months late on his
fucking liquor bill.

Ooh, I like the way
this day is shaping up.

[laughs]

- [surf rock music plays]
- Now this is what I call music.

[chuckles]

[siren wails]

Oh, shit.

♪♪♪

Just... eh-be cool.

I'm cool.

Don't worry, I'm gonna
take care of everything.

Okay, you do that.

[siren wailing]

You acting jittery as shit.

Just shut up.

[song continues over car radio]

[Edgar] Be cool.

Okay. I got this.

[Ralph] Y-you sure?

Hello, Officer.

License and registration.

Um...

Well, I left it in the van.

I'll just get it.

♪♪♪

What the fuck?

What the fuck was that?

[Edgar] I panicked.

Now I'm gonna get screwed over

because you panicked over a
couple of fucking joints?

[police radio chatter]

- Dispatch, this is 166.
- [dispatch] Copy, 166.

We've intercepted a vehicle
with two beanbag chairs

stuffed with over 5,000
hits of THC, copy?

[dispatch] Copy, 166.

Now is the time

you should start
motherfucking panicking.

[clears throat]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[elegant music playing]

Oh, when do I get to meet Silverman?

Oh, you know Fred really
wanted to be here,

but he had to give a speech

at some, uh, some animal rights event.

He couldn't switch it around, so...

And have you met my wife, Lisa?

Lisa, honey, come here, come here.

This is Goldie.

[small laugh] Oh, it's nice to meet you.

- Beautiful home you have.
- Oh, thank you.

Everybody, if I could have
your attention please?

One of our honored guests
tonight, Eli Gershman,

his beautiful wife, Camille,

would like to say a
few words, so please.

Camille?

[indistinct chatter]

Thank you.

- Please.
- Thank you, Marty.

In 1961, our oldest,
Christopher, was born.

We wanted to welcome him into the world

toasting him with champagne.

The only problem was we were flat broke

after setting up Eli's practice.

Fortunately for us, that was the year

this delightful little vintage came out.

Boone's Farm Apple Wine.

[soft laughter]

So now, when good things
happen, we remember back

to when love and a buck a
bottle were more than enough.

[crowd] Aww.

To my darling husband, Eli,

our three wonderful children,

and Eli's formidable partner, Goldie.

Oh. [nervous chuckle].

Congratulations.

[Marty] Congratulations.

[glasses clinking]

Delightful, just delightful.

Everybody, let's eat.

[elegant music resumes]

♪♪♪

Oh, come quick. I'm drinking the stars.

Look, the story with the wine was true.

All right, and I wanted
to share it with you.

Just... you know...
Without the back story.

I'm not an idiot, Eli.

I know what we have is a lie.

But what makes it tenable:

we don't lie to each other.

Otherwise, I don't know
what the fuck we're doing.

[Ticket's "Bad Things in the World

[Make the Nice Things
Nicer" plays on stereo]

♪♪♪

♪ I was sitting on a moonlight vision ♪

- ♪ I was thinking...♪
- How do you know

- who drank out of that?
- I don't.

Ah, sweet mystery of life. [chuckles]

The comedy world just got smaller.

You retiring?

- No, he said "comedy."
- Oh, right.

Hey, Gabe, it's past sundown.
Shouldn't you be

in a synagogue, atoning for
being such a fucking dick?

- [chuckles]
- Ooh, that's a good one.

So what happened?

King Theodore's done.

Cut off by his liquor supplier.

Mm, no shit.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Did you hear about King Theodore's?

Yep, the King is dead;
long live the Queen.

[Fitzy] Hey, Cass.

I read about "Vagina
Nights" in the trades.

I can't tell you how happy I am for you.

Wow, guys, overwhelmed with
the support, thank you.

Cassie, you were in the trades?

Yeah and Girls Are Funny
Too is announced.

It's, uh, it's actually happening.

Christ, why can't they
do a guy's version?

They do; it's called the
fucking Tonight Show.

[laughs] Amen to that.

[scoffs] Amen to what?

Girls Are Funny Too is basically

the Negro League with tits.

Funny is funny... that should
be the sole determining factor.

But, hey, if you want to be
a second-class comedian,

then be my guest.

- He's got a point.
- Oh, yeah?

So if there was a "Jews
Are Funny Too" special,

- you wouldn't sign up?
- Yeah, right.

What, if there were a "Black
Guys Are Funny Too" special

or a "Guys With Glasses Are
Funny Too" special or a

"Guys Who Smell Faintly Like
Urine Are Funny Too" special,

you wouldn't jump at it?

It's a good thing he said "faintly."

- [laughter]
- [Kenny] Man, biscuit!

Thursday morning. Are we a go?

Yeah, I'll be there, man.

All right, good, you could
do the call-ins with me.

Hey. You stole my joke, asshole.

[scoffs] I'm sorry, who are you?

Oh, I'm the fucking
waiter who told that joke

at the deli yesterday, the one you stole

and said on your radio
show this morning.

- Remember that?
- Hey, pal...[laughs]

I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.

You know what you did.

Kenny Vesey.

He's the youngest comic to do Carson.

Carson.

Why the fuck would he
steal your open mic joke?

I'm not sure, why don't you ask him?

- [laughs]
- Come on, man.

He didn't take it. Plus,
we've seen your act.

I mean, who'd want to pick
corn out of that pile of shit?

Look alive, guys. Eddie,
you're up after Ron.

Let's go

Yeah, not with this jerk-off here.

[chuckles] Fucking nerve
on this little kid.

Ignore him, man, he's an
arrogant little asshole.

[whispers indistinctly]

[Fitzy] What do you call
a Mexican hitchhiking?

- Stranded.
- [crowd laughter]

This next guy needs no introduction.

[crowd laughter]

Fitzy, ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, if anybody wants an autograph,

he'll be outside vomiting
up cocktail onions

after the show.

- So my mother's a big woman.
- [scattered laughs]

Yeah, just-just not a fan of exercise.

Little bit of a drinking problem too.

I-I, actually, I tried
to get her to go to AA,

but she refused when she
heard it had 12 steps.

[laughter]

She-she is really, really heavy.

She told me when she dies,

she wants to be cremated

so her ashes can be used
to blot out the sun.

[laughter]

No, I mean, I love my mother,

- but, you know, she's...
- [Goldie murmuring]

[coughs] She, uh...

she-she is, uh, she-she's
just a big lady.

You know, she-she just-she-
you know, she won't exercise.

But I already said that. [chuckles]

Sorry, um...

What, uh, what-what else-what...

Um... oh, yeah, so, uh,

so my name-my name is,
uh, my name's Ron Shack,

which, you know, Fitzy
kind of failed to mention.

Uh, hi.

Uh, Ron is, uh, my nickname.

It's-it's, uh, it's actually short

for "Moron."

'Cause, uh... [clears throat]

uh, 'cause...

Uh...

You know, people assumed
it'd be short for...

[microphone fumbling]

[tense laugh] Technical problems.

Uh...

Anybody got an instruction manual?

Nope?

- [crowd laughter]
- He bombed three times at once.

[Fitzy] We're bringing in a firing squad

and they'll put you out of your misery.

Just be honest.

Like-like scale of one to ten,

how bad was that?

Uhh, well, what you want to
hear is that you did okay.

But what you need to
hear is that you sucked.

Which you did.

But that's good, that's
how you get better.

Hey, hey, look at the bright side.

You know, after that performance,

short of one of "Jerry's
kids" coming up on stage

and popping a crutch, you're
a lock for a pity fuck.

I panicked.

I saw Goldie watching, and I just froze.

It-it-it-it was like one of
those-those horror movies

where you try to scream
and-and nothing comes out.

I'm dead. I'm fucking dead.

It's okay, Ronnie.

It's not that big a deal.

[Arnie] Yeah, tell that to Lovis.

He bombed in front of Goldie early on,

and... look what happened to him.

♪ Rousing funk music ♪

Now, look here, Norton has style.

He shoots that jab right from his hip.

[grunts] Then he move all herky-jerky.

You know what I'm sayin-saying?
I'm telling you.

Ali gonna have trouble timing that boy.

You watch what I tell you.
You know what I'm saying?

Well, speaking of young,
pretty, and black.

[chuckling]

All right, baby.

From Sonja.

Hey, y'all should have seen
this man the other night.

Man, he had the audience
bent with laughter.

[chuckles]

I just had a good set, that's all.

Hey, never underestimate

the power of charisma.

And that is something
that you have tenfold.

No matter what Goldie may think.

And she could stick you in
the bottom of the well,

you'd still come up with laughs.

[chuckling]

Meaning?

Means she's burying you
in that bullshit cellar.

Hey, man, the Cellar's just
somewhere to hone my style

until it's ready for Main Stage.

[laughs] Y'all hear this?

[laughs]

The fuck is so funny?

She got you trained. Hmph!

You wanna buy that jive.

But if you want to bury
your light under a bushel

and keep playin' house nigga to
Miss Goldie, that's your call.

Man, why you always gotta
talk shit to make a point?

I'm sorry, Adam, but I
don't decorate the truth

with ribbons and bows.

All right. You want some truth?

Try this shit on.

If you want to make it in comedy,

it's only one place to do that
in L.A., and that's Goldie's.

You sound like you done found Jesus.

[laughter]

[man] Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!

Maybe I have.

There are other clubs,

just like there are other ways.

Like what?

King Theodore's?

Man can't even pay his liquor bill.

And what does it matter?

Ain't nobody being found there anyways.

I gotta go.

[song continues over radio]

Dating was different after guys
found out my parents were dead.

They became afraid to
use the word "parents."

I'd meet a guy's mother and father

and he'd introduce them to me as,

"the couple who did his laundry."

[soft laugh] It's funny.

Goldie wants my parents still breathing,

it being network and all.

Mm, I get that.

So can you save it?

I mean,

Cass, this is your life.

I can be a sounding board and all,

but this is-this is all you.

Yeah, but the stuff she wants
me to say isn't my life.

It's like a cartoon version of my life.

- Right.
- [sighs]

[exhales]

[sighs] God, I'm so sick of my stomach

being in knots.

And it's just jokes, right?

Think Henny Youngman pulls his hair out

every time he picks up his fiddle?

Yeah, probably.

I mean, "take my wife... please"

came from someplace.

Henny's wife probably
shit herself laughing

when she first heard it.

- You think?
- Yeah, definitely.

My dad was always disappointed

that I didn't play baseball as a kid.

Harmon Killebrew and Sandy Koufax,

they were heroes in our house.
♪ Somber music ♪

Jews that could throw the ball,
that was a very big deal.

Hey, you know who you're
talking to, right?

Anyway, I, um...

I got bullied a lot as a kid.

So I was never fully comfortable
around jocks holding bats.

And there was this one day

I was at Fenway with my old man,

about ten years old.

And it was the bottom of the seventh,

and he was extra surly

'cause the Sox were getting creamed

by the fucking Yankees no less.

And he just keeps getting
madder and madder.

And so I look at him
and I say, "Hey, Dad.

What do you call a New
Yorker with a baseball bat

who's covered in baggy pinstripes?

A piece of shit."

[both chuckle]

Admittedly, it's not
my A material, but...

it's still my favorite.

And why is that?

'Cause it was the first time I
ever made my old man laugh.

[inhales] Yeah.

♪♪♪

Jokes are sacrosanct

because they're never
just jokes, you know?

You are always in there somewhere.

♪♪♪

[inhales sharply] Ooh.

You are one serious fucker.

Oh, that's nothin'.

Wait till you hear my dissertation

on knock-knock jokes.

Oh, yeah?

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?

- Nietzsche.
- Nietzsche who?

Eh, fuck it, don't answer,
what's the point?

Life has no intrinsic meaning or value.

I'm sorry I bothered you.

You always make me laugh.

[inhales] Well, it's my burden.

You're a good friend, Eddie.

Yeah, you too.

[funk rock plays on radio]

[sports announcer in background]

♪♪♪

[man] Roger Moore is 002 at best.

[mellow rock, sports announcer continue]

[Maggie] What's that?

Care package?

From my mom.

Stuff from back home you
can't get out here.

♪♪♪

You eat this?

Yep. On bread.

Mix it with peanut butter,
it's called a "fluffernutter."

You okay, Ronnie?

You seem a little...

Down?

Pussy-ish.

Thanks, Maggie.

- [chuckles]
- Seriously.

You should work with children.

Is this still about last night?

You bombed. Move on already.

Maggie, I didn't just bomb.

I bombed in front of fucking Goldie,

the one fucking person that
you can't bomb in front of!

Whoa, whoa, take it down a notch.

I'm not the one who sucked last night.

You know what, Mags?

Fuck you.

You know what else?

Why don't you wear some
fucking pants to breakfast

like a normal person, okay?

'Cause we get it.

You have a vagina.

[funk rock continues]

♪♪♪

Really?

Hey, you get through to Sonny Bueno?

They're at rehearsal.

Sorry, man.

I was... I was really
hoping you'd get us sprung

because I gotta take a shit,

and I can't take a shit in
public, no fucking way.

I mean, y- You wouldn't understand

'cause a guy like you can
take a dump anywhere, right?

I truly envy that. [soft chuckle]

What's it like, Edgar?

Being so wrapped up in yourself
that you don't give a fuck

about anybody else?

I care about people.

Who do you give a
motherfucking two shits about

other than yourself?

I care about my friends.

What friends?

The people you sell drugs to?
Those are customers.

You don't have any fucking friends.

Ralph,

I fucked up, okay?

But that does not mean I
don't care about people.

You know what we used
to call motherfuckers

like you in the army?

[Ralph chuckles]

"Jack."

That's a special term of contempt

reserved for those

who only look out for
themselves and not their mates.

That's you, Edgar.

A Jack motherfucker,
through and through.

Ralph.

I am so fucking sorry, man.

- Get the fuck away from me.
- Hey, hey.

Get your ass in a fucking...
[guard] Knock it off!

Both of you!

It's all right, Officer.

Think it's a Vietnam thing.

You tour there?

Twice.

Who you with?

75th Infantry Rangers.

Sergeant Major Ralph
Carnegie, Company C.

Sergeant Jerry Barnsdale.

Long Range Reconnaissance Patrol.

Find 'em, track 'em, kill 'em.

What happened here, Sergeant?

Wrong place, wrong time,

wrong person to get a fucking ride from.

He's right, Officer.

He did not have anything
to do with this, okay?

He's a comedian; he's gonna
open for Sonny and Cher.

He barely drinks alcohol.

How'd you pull that off?

[sighs]

Anyone ever tell you you're
a real piece of shit?

Yeah. I stopped counting.

We haven't processed you yet.

If you were released now,
it's like it never happened.

You serious?

I mean, I can make my gig.

This offer doesn't extend to him.

♪ Lightly edgy music ♪

I'm good with that.

Ralph, Ralph.

It was me bringing up your Vietnam shit

that got you out of here.

Come on, you gotta...

You gotta get somebody, Ralph.

Don't leave me in here.

Ralph, please, come on, Ralph.

You're on your own, Jack.

♪♪♪

[background chatter]

♪ somber music continues ♪

♪♪♪

Buy you a drink, sailor?

[scoffs] Seriously, again?

What are you talking about?

I don't know if someone told you
that I'm dying or something,

but save your good works.

It's a fucking beer, Bill.

And the agent the other night?

I was throwing you a bone.

You think I need you to throw me a bone?

Did you come out of the womb an asshole?

[chuckles]

Go fuck yourself.

Jesus, no wonder Cassie dumped your ass.

- What the...
- Oh, motherfucker.

Oh, you pussy, I barely touched you.

Jesus Christ, Nick.

Oh, fuck, not now.

Come on.

[Tom] Anyway,

days blurred when I was drinkin'.

Holidays, birthdays.

Now that I'm sober,

they're all too clear.

It sure was a lot
easier to face your day

when you weren't sure what
day it was you were facin'.

Hey. You wanna go up?

Hi, uh, my name's Ron

and I, uh...

My name is Ron

and I-I-I'm not an alcoholic.

[murmuring]

Uh, believe me,

I wish I was because then
at least I could point to

something I was successful at.

[exhales]

Here's some rigorous honesty.

I have been coming here to
work on my stand-up comedy.

I've been using all you as guinea pigs

while I stand up here
and make up stories...

Jokes. I make up jokes

about being an alcoholic.

[clears throat]

It's fucking pathetic.

I have no idea what it is

I'm-I'm doing anymore.

Wait, Ron.

What?

You sure that's all you wanted to share?

Oh. Yeah, um...

I'm really sorry.

No, no.

What I mean is

maybe you need to be here.

So why not use this room
as it was intended,

a place to share your truth?

My truth.

[exhales]

[exhales] Um...

Okay. Well...

when I was in high school,

I was this overweight dork.

And, I mean, I had some friends, but

I was never what you'd
describe as "popular."

Um, I ate alone a lot.
Like-like a real lot.

And I guess I've always kind of thought

if I could be this,
uh, this other thing,

like this-this better, funny thing,

uh, that-that people would
treat me different,

you-you know, be nicer or whatever.

And-and you know, and if...
If this better

[sniffs] if this better, funny thing

was really special,

you know, it could... It could...

it could get you out of there.

And people-people would see you

as that thing.

You know, instead of this thing.

♪ Somber music ♪

Um...

♪♪♪

But... Ha.

But now I know that there
is no other thing.

And it scares the shit out of me.

You know, just knowing that this...

This identity that I

banked on

giving my life its meaning

was bullshit.

[sniffs]

It's all bullshit.

And all that's left

is me.

♪♪♪

That's all.

You still clap.

[sniffs] Thank you.

[Nick] Am I right or am I right?
[Bill] You're wrong.

House of Pies is way
better than this shit.

[Nick] Are you fuckin' kidding?
[Bill] No, I'm dead serious.

[Nick] You're not even eating the crust.

The crust is the best part.

[Bill] Because I don't like to eat shit.

[Nick] This is the only reason
I come back to Los Angeles.

- [Nick] Mmm.
- [Bill] If you're done

with your pie now, can
we go to the hospital

and get your fucking arm looked at?

Jesus, Mom. I told you, it's a cyst.

Can you just relax?

I'm overreacting?

- Yeah.
- I hit you in the arm,

and you howl like I found your G-spot.

- [laughs]
- Come on.

Where's... hey.

Thank you.

[Muzak playing]

[smacking lips]

What are you doing?

Don't worry about it.

- Oh.
- A little for Mr. William.

And a little for Nicky.

Whoops.

Hey, look, I'm sorry about
what I said about, uh,

Cassie dumping you.

Yeah, I'm sorry that you got
the world by the balls,

but you're too much of
a fuck-up to cash in.

[whispers] Wow.

Just so you know, that is not
how you get in my pants.

No?

All right, let's go to the
doctor; I got shit to do.

Man, [scoffs]

What?

What are you so fucking
pissed off about?

You really resent my success that much?

Your success? [scoffs]

Maybe I just don't think you're funny.

Tell that to Carson. And we all have

our special little
gifts, don't we, Nick?

Look, I'm so much fucking
funnier than you.

And you just so happen
to be better than me

at being in the right
place at the right time.

- Hm.
- Plus you didn't get the couch.

They ran long.

Fuckin' Joan Embery.

What's that tell ya?

Carson would rather
have a three-toed sloth

piss all over his jacket

then spend ten seconds
chatting with you.

You really think you're funnier than me?

The fucking Zapruder film
is funnier than you, Nick.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

'Cause I always thought the
beginning kind of meandered.

Excuse me, uh, Doris?

Would you solve something for us?

If we both tell you a joke, will
you let us know who's funniest?

Who's paying?

He is.

She's the funniest.

Yeah.

[overlapping low argument]

[chuckling] Oh.

I told you I got a new
tranny for my car.

Yeah, I didn't know they were
putting them on the outside now.

- Yeah, they are.
- Hey, blue eyes.

You looking for a date?

Oh-ho, I'm all set, but
thank you, Scrotum O'Neil.

[laughter]

I loved Paper Moon. You funny.

Ooh, two for two, baby.

That's not fucking funny...
Ask me on a date.

Oh, you want a date, Red?

You know what? I would,
but I promised myself

I would not get involved
with another woman

whose cock is bigger than mine.
[laughter]

- Good one.
- Hey, all beef,

if I wanted to pay 20 bucks
to get fucked in the ass,

I'd just buy a ticket to a
Loggins and Messina concert.

[laughter]

Yeah, I do want to take
you out on a date.

Me, you, and a quiet table at
the Hollywood free clinic.

- What do you say, huh?
- Ooh.

- No?
- Ooh.

I mean, I thought that was funny.

- Thanks, man. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, if it's a loveless
fuck you're looking for,

maybe it's time you finally
call your father back.

- Ooh.
- Shit.

That's your daddy he's talking about.

- Okay, okay, stop.
- You both funny.

Yeah, we know we're both
funny, but who's funnier?

Well, shit,

junkie's the funniest, I guess.

- What'd you call me?
- Hey, man, back up.

- I ain't judging.
- Yeah? Fuck you, cocksucker.

[knife flicks] And fuck
you, motherfucker.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Look at your arm, man.

It's abscessed... it's
comin' through your shirt.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry to
give away your secret.

Yeah? Fuck you.

All right, you know what?
Nobody's funny.

- How bout that, okay?
- No, no.

Let your bitch-ass friend go.

I'll cut his motherfucking
junkie throat.

Hey, hey, get in the fucking car.

All right, thank you, ladies.
Have a good night.

Enjoy the repercussions
of your life decisions.

The truth is

you're both some unfunny,
sorry-ass faggots.

Quite a compliment. Thank you so much.

That's the damn truth, bitch.

[Nick] Why don't you go suck
off the rest of The Supremes?

- I got you some Supremes...
- You look like Jimi Hendrix

with fetal alcohol syndrome,
you motherfucker!

[tranny] Yeah, any fuckin' time!

I, for one, am okay with women
breastfeeding in public.

As long as they're
okay with me watching.

[laughter] Speaking of watching...

[Cassie] Man, I could get used
to having this many people here.

You deserve it.

Your stuff's great.

You're gonna kill.

Thank you.

For what?

Oh, for being such a nice guy.

[Gabe] Ladies and gentlemen,
the lovely Cassie Feder.

You ever think that maybe
I'm not that nice a guy?

Not for a second.

[applause]

Whoo!

[Cassie] Gabe Schwartz,
ladies and gentlemen.

[applause]

[Cassie] So I'm sure you
can tell where I'm from.

- [Bill] It's good?
- [Nick] Yeah.

- Hey?
- Hm?

You're bleeding again.

You want me to take you
to that emergency room

or should we get ice cream this time?

I'm good.

You know, that shit turned Lenny Bruce

into a strung-out court stenographer.

Not that I'm comparing you

in any way, shape, or form to Lenny.

Can't all be Soupy Sales, Bill.

[chuckles]

It's a fucking crutch.

You don't need it.

[Nick exhales] Pain is
essential, and you know it.

All we are is agony as art.

Who the fuck talks like that?

[laughs] Really?

Nobody gives a fuck about
the depths of your soul.

♪ Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" plays ♪

It's about funny.

It's about money, fame,

and getting laid by women
way out of our league.

♪ Just a perfect day... ♪

Spoken like a true hack.

Well, so what?

I'm supposed to be like you and Clay?

Shooting fucking heroin and
then jump in front of a bus

just as the spotlight hits?

♪ When it gets dark we go home... ♪

You don't deserve any of
the good that's falling

into your aggressively untalented lap.

Wait, what are you talking about?

Clay was an accident.

[scoffs]

♪ Feed animals in the zoo ♪

Don't be a fucking idiot, Nick.

♪ Then later... ♪

Clay walked against the light

and jumped in front of a speeding bus.

People saw it.

♪♪♪

♪ Oh it's such a perfect day ♪

You're a fucking cunt, Nick.

[unzips pants]

A real asshole.

♪ Oh such a perfect day ♪

Which probably means we'll
be friends for life.

So wake the fuck up. [urinating]

Be funny.

Not everyone cares

about the darkness that
keeps you up at night.

All right, that's my time.
You guys have been great.

Thank you.

♪ Just a perfect day ♪

[Gabe] Keep it going,
ladies and gentlemen.

♪ Problems all left alone ♪

[chuckling]

Hi. How are you, sweetheart?

Good. Whatever joke he just told you

that you were laughing at,

just know he probably stole it.

Okay? Have a good night.

♪ Oh it's such a perfect day ♪

[Kenny] Excuse me.
Excuse me, please move.

Get the fuck out of the way...

♪ I'm glad I spent it with you ♪

♪ Oh such a perfect day... ♪

More demand for the Cellar tonight

than there is for the main room.

You are gonna get me in so much
trouble with the fire marshal.

Spending more time killing it in
the Cellar than Norman Bates.

[Fitzy] This next kid, he's
like a Raisin in the Sun to me.

Give it up for Adam Proteau,
give it up, everybody.

Come on, Adam.

♪♪♪

Whoo!

♪♪♪

♪ You're going to reap...
♪ Oh, shit, now.

♪ Just what you sow ♪

♪ song concludes ♪

Six, though, six?

We saw six Ping-Pong balls
come out of her vagina.

- Shut up.
- Here's the real trick though.

The seventh one came out of her asshole.

[laughs]

I'm serious.

Hey.

What the fuck was that, huh?

- Uhh!
- Oh, shit!

- Oh, oh.
- Hey-hey-hey-hey.

Hey, hey, what the hell
was that for, huh?

He stole my joke!

He didn't steal your shitty
joke, that's in your head.

You're the last person who knows
what's in my fucking head, okay?

You think you're some
great mystery, kid, huh?

You think I don't know you're
trying to fuck Cassie?

- Fuck you I am...
- Fuck me?

Hey, hey.

[man] Oh, shit.

Hey, enough, enough.

You both got your licks in.
Jesus, Kenny...

- Fucking little putz!
- Hey.

[spits]

I didn't know he's moving
on your girlfriend, Bill.

You know what? I'm glad.

I'm glad I stole your
shitty little joke!

[Kenny] Fuck.

What?

Fuck him, man.

Only scum tries to steal
another guy's girl.

But you did steal his joke?

Yeah, it wasn't even that
good of a joke, man.

Some stupid fucking baseball thing.

You know what? Not one call,

not one call complimenting me on it.

Oh!

♪ The Majestic's "Funky Chick" plays ♪

Hey, you don't steal another
guy's fucking joke, asshole.

Ow, Nick!

Nicky. Ah, Nicky.

- Fucking thief.
- Ah, no-no-no...

[Kenny groaning]

- Come here.
- But, Red, man...

Where you going, huh?

- Oh!
- Okay-okay-okay-

Billy, Billy...

Ah! Oh...

So, uh, who we kicking?

[Cassie] Hey. What happened?

Are you okay?

♪♪♪

We're not friends.

That's what happened.

[Kenny yelling in background]

♪♪♪

You okay?

Maggie, as it stands right now,

any more warmth and kindness from you,

and I might slit my wrists, so...

- I'm sorry about earlier.
- No, I'm...

I shouldn't have blown up on ya.

I'm sorry, Ronnie, I was a bitch.

And I promise from now on

I will always wear pants at breakfast.

Please don't.

Breakfast is only the most
important meal of the day

'cause you show up to it pants-less.

[giggles]

Mmm.

Actually looks kind of yummy.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

♪ Soft music ♪

♪♪♪

Interesting.

[both chuckle]

My mom always used to make 'em for me

when I'd have a bad day.

Mm, for me it was grape ZaRex.

Mm. It's funny how sometimes
those little things

can make you forget.

Forget what?

I don't know.

Everything.

Don't let the shit get you down, Ronnie.

You gotta ease up, okay?

As my dad used to say,

"Good things happen when
you lighten your grip."

Obviously he wasn't
masturbating when he said that.

[chuckles]

No. [giggles]

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Whoa.

You might want to wheel that
delivery back out of here.

Unless it's Christmas.

Uh, is this King Theodore's?

Yeah, you got the right place,

but, uh, I, uh,

I can't afford to pay
you right now, hoss.

No need. It's already paid.

♪ Booker T. & The MG's
"Green Onions" plays ♪

Who the fuck is Barton Royce?