I'm Dying Up Here (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - Girls Are Funny, Too - full transcript

[Sully] Previously on
I'm Dying Up Here...

I really like your idea, Leslie.
The women in comedy thing.

I had an interesting
conversation with CBS today.

Girls Are Funny Too. Freddie
wants to hear the formal pitch.

Well, what I want to know,
Nick, is where you've been

the last three years.

[Bill] But let's ask the real question:

How the fuck did you get Carson?

It turns out that, unlike you,
I'm really fucking funny.

[laughter]

You went all Pavlov's pussy
the other night at Canter's



every time Nick opened his mouth.

Can't you ever try to be
just a little bit better

than you were the day before? Ever?

Bill, it's over. Go home.

This is your room when we don't need it.

[Adam] Hey, so, them girls out there,

- they... they prostitutes?
- [woman] Models.

I'm not leaving until I cum!

- Where's your bouncer?
- We don't have bouncers.

We're an exclusive modeling...

Agency? We passed three
blowjobs on the way here.

Okay? The jig is up.

- You're a comic, right?
- I just do the open mic.

Just it's not a lot of...
yeah, not a lot of options.



I got a place you can go up right now.

Hi. My name is Ron.
And I'm an alcoholic?

Eat up. We got to meet the
mattress guy in an hour.

- I got The Tonight Show.
- [woman] Mr. Beverly,

we're coming back from
commercial in five.

Mr. Beverly?

♪ jazz music ♪

♪♪♪

[Edgar] Are you having
a good time, ma'am?

Really? All right.

Tell your face.

[laughter]

[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

[wild laughter]

[Adam] I used to do a
lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad
was in the business...

of breaking shit.

[laughter continues]

[Cassie] Well, what are
you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.

[laughter]

[Edgar] All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

[laughter and applause]

[distant laughter]

♪ jazz music ♪

♪♪♪

[man] Everyone please keep it down.

Last looks, please. Last looks.

We're back in two.

♪♪♪

[man] Please keep it down, people.

We're back in two.

We are back in two.

♪♪♪

You're gonna do great.

♪♪♪

[man] Quiet on the set, please.

♪♪♪

[laughter]

[Nick] I met Tom Jones in makeup.

All these years I've watched at home,

I always wondered who was
behind these curtains.

Are you the great and powerful Oz?

[chuckles softly]

♪♪♪

You got any courage on you?

Shh.

Shh.

[applause]

[Carson] Welcome back.

Now, because you seem like
such a great audience,

we have someone really
special coming out:

a young comic who's currently
appearing at Goldie's,

located on our own Sunset Strip.

Would you all please welcome
a very funny young man,

Nick Beverly!

[cheers and applause]

[band plays The Tonight
Show theme music]

♪♪♪

Wow.

Feels so good to be here.

So, my girlfriend broke
up with me recently.

Yep, just snuck out in
the middle of the night.

Either that or we were robbed
and they only took her stuff.

[studio audience laughs]

[Nick] It was probably time, though.

Our love life... not so great.

You know it's not good

when your girlfriend
refers to sex with you

as "taking one for the team."

Yeah, hey, I wish there was a team.

Means I'd still have
four girlfriends left.

And my ex has already started
seeing someone else.

It's only been a month,
and already she's

yelling at some other guy for
leaving wet towels on the floor,

like my wet towels meant nothing.

[studio audience laughs]

It's sad, really. She
was my best friend.

I mean, after she scared
all my real friends away.

But I'm seeing someone now too.

You know, when her shades are up.

No, it's not like that.
It's not like that.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
It's very innocent and sweet.

It's your typical... boy sees girl,

girl sees boy seeing girl,

cops warn boy,

boy has to stay 500 feet
from girl at all times...

kind of story.

[laughter]

Yep, a love as old as time.

[no audible dialogue]

[applause]

♪ somber jazz music ♪

[TV static drones]

♪♪♪

Hey.

Hey.

Did you see me tonight?

Of course I saw you.

And?

You looked good. Real good.

I didn't get the couch.

Doesn't matter.

We did Carson, baby.

We're on our way.

Yeah.

Did you bring me any presents?

Ohh.

[giggles]

I could hear Johnny laughing.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Probably just ran late.

Are we gonna be rich now?

'Cause I want to buy a real TV.

So I can see you in color.

Talked to a lot of people
making a lot of promises.

[sighs] Would've been nice
to get the couch, though.

Do you think we could get a pool?

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

♪♪♪

Jesus, Arnie, we got to see that
first thing in the morning?

Shouldn't there be a bulge or
something in the front of those?

I mean, you look like a fucking G.I.
Joe doll down there.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you
show me your tits?

- I'll get a hard-on for you.
- [Ron] Oh.

You owe me eight bucks
for gas and water.

I already paid.

Talking to fuck-face.

Uh, I'm a little light, Ensign.

How about we barter, huh? Say
six boxes of Rice-A-Roni

plus a nifty 50-cent piece?

I still got four boxes left
over from the phone bill.

I'll cover it, Arnie.

Thanks, Eddie.

You know, you're one lucky douche.

You might want to think about
sticking a sock in there.

Kind of looks like you're
being blown by a baby mouse.

Fuck you.

[sniffs]

Hey, man. Sorry about that.

I'm gonna get a job as soon as possible.

I promise.

You know, I could probably get
you a couple shifts at the deli.

As soon as possible, within reason.

You really are one lucky douche.

[Marty] First of all,
and pardon my French,

but Fred has had a boner
for you for quite a while.

[Goldie laughs]

First of all, that's not French,

but I'll take the compliment.

I can't wait to meet him.

So, what are Fred's thoughts?

We been tossing around
possible hosts, for starters.

Totie Fields's name came up.

Totie is wonderful,

but isn't her health
kind of crap right now?

What about Sally Struthers?

All in the Family goes into
production in a month.

Well, how about Cloris Leachman?

She's got Mary Tyler
Moore, and there's...

there's talk of a possible spin-off,

so she's got a little too
much on her plate right now.

Eh, she's a friend. I-I
could just give her a call.

[chuckles]

Can't hurt to ask.

Great. Well, let's talk about talent.

Now, this new kid, Elayne Boosler,

funny as shit.

Marsha Warfield,

- she is hi-larious.
- [Marty] Mm-hmm.

Daphne Davis. She's got
something going on.

And this kid. Karen Cozwell.

She is a riot.

Yeah, she's gonna break. Uh-uh,
you can trust me on that.

Yeah, Boosler and Warfield...
I like them.

Davis... they're all on our radar.

I don't know about this one.

You know, we'll have to vet her.

They're all gems, Marty.

They're handpicked by Goldie herself.

And that means a lot. But,
uh, Fred has his process.

Which is why CBS is sitting
on top of the ratings.

I-I'm sure Goldie can arrange something.
Right, Goldie?

Well, yeah. We got the, uh,

Ladies Night in the Cellar.

Why don't you come see a showcase, huh?

Sure.

[dog barking in distance]

- It's a little light.
- Light?

Hey! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! Hey! Hey!

Relax. I got money coming, man.

Don't tell me to fucking relax.

What? You think just 'cause
you and my cousin are tight

I'm gonna sell you some
smack on fucking credit?

- Get the fuck out of here.
- Give me a break, all right?

Shit's tight right now.

I spent all the money I got
trying to get set up out here.

But I was on Carson last night.
Did you catch that?

I don't care if you were on
the fucking moon last night.

Yo, anyway, money's not
gonna be a problem.

All right? Trust me.

I ain't trusting no fucking junkie.

I'm not a fucking junkie.

No, not you. None of yous are.

Tell you what. Why don't
you suck my dick,

and I'll give you two bags? Fuck you.

[laughs]

Usually "fuck you" is an exit line.

I'll give you my leather.

It's practically new.

It's worth 80 bucks, all right?

That's a gift from my mother.
Your fucking mother?

Yeah.

You're not a junkie.

♪ bluesy rock music ♪

♪♪♪

Hey, what's up, young brother?
How's the new digs treating you?

Would've been nice if you told
me it was a fucking whorehouse.

- It's not a whorehouse.
- Oh, yeah. Modeling agency.

Look, I done got the
whole bullshit speech.

Barton, I don't want to seem
unappreciative or nothing,

but...

I don't know if I want
to work for no pimp.

[laughs]

You're something else,

coming in here all hot.

You know, my dad ran a jazz club

on LA's Central Avenue.

Some of the best talent in the
country came through that place.

Packed houses every weekend.

My daddy was so proud of that place.

First hit of reefer I ever
took was with Charlie Parker.

[chuckles]

Now, white cops...

they didn't like niggas getting ahead,

so they started extorting money

from my dad and all the other
black-owned businesses.

You tried to resist, you
got hit with fines,

restrictions, fire code violations,

or worse.

Then they brought Willie
Parker in to clean shit up.

And he did...

for white people.

He called us monkeys.

After a while,

all the legitimate
businesses like my dad's?

They just went away.

Now, you tell me what's
left for a black man.

Let me guess. Prostitution?

Son, you knock on the front
door till your knuckles bloody,

and nobody opens?

Eventually, you slip around the
back and you pick the lock.

♪♪♪

Know your history, boy,

next time you want to
talk shit to a man.

♪♪♪

[phone ringing]

[Teddy] Hello?

I'm looking for Nick Beverly.

Hello?

Nick?

No. This is Teddy King.

I-I'm-I'm-I'm wanting to speak to Nick.

Is he there?

[laughter]

Good news, ladies.

We got our own cigarettes.

- [scattered cheers]
- Yeah.

Thank you, Virginia Slims.

Equal rights? No.

Equal wages? Not a chance.

But equal chances of
getting lung cancer?

After you, madam!

[laughter]

All right, I'm 27 and single,

and I think part of the
reason for this is

because I had a really tough childhood.

Both of my parents died when I was ten.

- [audience] Aww.
- Thank you.

It's okay, really. They
died in their sleep.

They just happened to be behind
the wheel of a car at the time.

[laughter]

It's really hard not having role models.

You need someone to teach
you how stuff works,

like relationships

or seatbelts.

[laughter]

Hey, I like that new stuff you doing.

Why, thank you, kind sir.

What you doing tomorrow night?

- Eating over the sink. Why?
- I need a favor.

[chuckles] Oh, who doesn't love
a compliment with a caveat?

No, no, no, no. This is a...
this a good favor.

I got this industrial tomorrow night

for a bunch of TWA execs.

Sonny and Cher got me tied up,

so it would really help
me out if you'd do it.

Super easy. I'ma give
you a list of names

of dudes you can bust on.

They love it.

I don't know. I've never
done an industrial before.

Two hundred cash for 30 minutes.

Next time, lead with that.

[laughs]

Good-looking crowd tonight.
Thanks for being here.

Hi. My name's Ron, and
I am an alcoholic.

[all] Hi, Ron.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Th-thank you. Hi.

Um, so, my mother was a big woman.

I mean, a very big woman.

I actually tried to get her

to come here to this meeting tonight,

but she refused when she
heard there were 12 steps.

[all laugh]

What else about drinking?

Uh, I-I-I think my mother
being so heavy is-is actually

the reason that I started
drinking to begin with,

because basically anything
solid in the house, she ate,

so all that were left were liquids.

[laughter]

Uh, one time, back home in Tennessee...

this is a true story...

I saw my mother get trapped
outside during a tornado.

The woman did not budge.

I mean, honestly, it-it was like
watching God run out of breath.

[blowing]

Why?

[blows]

Why can't I move...

[blows]

this cow?

[laughter]

Um,

yeah, but-but, you know, I kid.

I lo-I love my mother. Uh, what else?

♪ upbeat music ♪

Waitressing is so different

from that Let's Make a Deal freak show.

So glad to be out of there.

I was a contestant on
The Dating Game once.

Didn't get picked, but still
walked away with 50 bucks

and a salon-style hairdryer.

Mmm!

- What are you doing there?
- Booth of high rollers.

Show a little boob.
It'll bump up your tip.

Oh. What's the boob-to-tip ratio here?

Minimum cleavage for the riff-raff...

- Mm-hmm.
- two buttons

for a bachelor party,

three buttons and the tip of a nip

for anyone wearing Pierre Cardin.

Ka-ching!

If they're wearing Pierre Cardin,

I'll just go ahead and show my whole...

I'm just saying he didn't get the couch.

No, no-no, they went long.
Joan Embery brought an ocelot

and a woolly monkey.

Wild animals suck at
keeping a tight five.

- That's true.
- It could've been worse, right?

Imagine Helen Reddy is subbing.

- Mm.
- Helen Reddy subbing

and not getting the couch?

I mean, that'd be like, I don't know,

fucking not getting laid at
the VFW after last call.

- [Ralph] That happens.
- Don't let me stop you, please.

Go on shitting on Nick's
killing it on Carson.

Sully, I need you tomorrow in the
Cellar to emcee Ladies Night

for the Girls Are Funny, Too producers.

Shit, uh, I would.

Um, I have sales calls until late.

I can do it. Right?

I could do that pelvic
exam chunk up front?

Okay, Manny, you're in.

Just "Welcome, ladies and germs"
will be sufficient, though.

Oh, and while we're talking
about Nick, little heads up.

He's gonna get double spots
Thursday through Sunday.

Anybody got a problem with that,

you can take it to the Ice House.

As you were, ladies.

Fucking double spots.
You believe this shit?

She going with the hot hand.

She would never give a
Mexican double spots.

Puerto Rican? Maybe.

Mexican? No way, José.

- Relax, Cantinflas.
- [laughs]

It's not a conspiracy. You're
Mexican, Puerto Rican...

either way, it's just jokes

about different street fair foods.

I'm getting so fucking
sick of this place.

I'd trade you, man. I have an 8 a.m.
sales call

tomorrow in fucking Torrance.

Boo-hoo. I do electrical work.

Ralph writes for Sonny and Cher,

and Edgar deals drugs.

I consider myself a
freelance pharmacist.

Okay. We all have day jobs.

No, no, no, Bill. You have a day job.

I have a day and a night job,

'cause I got the work, I got the kid,

and I've got all of here, don't I?

Don't you sell auto parts?

- [Bill] What?
- [laughter]

You know, you try getting
some guy worked up

about buying your crescent wrench

over some other asshole's,
and see if it's easy.

That is true.

Well, okay.

Yeah. Pick me up at 7 a.m.

Seriously? You're gonna
go on sales calls?

Yeah. Why not?

Be good to get the fuck
out of this shithole,

even if it's only for a day.

- Let's do it.
- All right. I'm in.

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

♪♪♪

Guy in booth three wanted your number.

I told him I was not your secretary,

and that he'd just have to look
it up on the men's room stall

like everybody else.

Fuck off, Lovis.

You're gonna find yourself
saying that a lot.

[chuckles] "Fuck off, Lovis."

- How hot?
- Look, dude,

the two hottest alcoholics
you've ever seen, okay?

I can't speak for their livers,
but their bodies? Both tens.

Okay, so, other than them
falling off the wagon

and passing out before
us ordering the meal,

how exactly are we gonna
pay for this double date?

[stammers] Why do you always got
to get so hung up on details?

It's not details. It's fucking money.

Wh-what if the restaurant doesn't take

boxes of Rice-A-Roni in trade?

Then what?

All right, you know what, Eddie?

I need a win, okay?

No. You need a job.

When have I ever asked you for anything?

- Uh...
- That was fucking rhetorical.

All right, listen, man.

I'm saving my tips for a
rainy day, all right?

The literal rainy day
when Arnie kicks us out

for not making rent, and it's raining.

Look. The girls like this place...

- Oh, man.
- called Big Wally's

House of Sizzle on Pico.

It's cheap. I checked it out.
It's cheap.

It's, you know, fish and
chips and hamburgers.

Everything's about three bucks.
They don't even drink.

So, I figure we're in,
for the whole shebang,

like 20 bucks with tip.

You know, right now our whole
shebang is about 40 bucks.

Why can't we just take them
for a nice ice cream cone

or go for a nice stroll?

A stroll?

I'm trying to get laid,

not pose for a fucking
Rockwell painting, man.

[scoffs] Is this about Cassie?
Is that what this is?

- What?
- 'Cause you know what?

For the first time, this
isn't about your dick.

This is about my dick. My dick!

You hear me, Eddie? The my... my dick!

[sighs]

Hm.

What? Just fucking say it.

Oh, you just remind me
so much of your mother.

What up, Cellar dweller?
How you liking it?

Beats open mic. I can tell you that.

Fucking jury duty better than open mic.

I haven't seen Carl in a while.

Yeah. I had to let him go.

He was trying to box me up and shit.

Man, this whole town
trying to box you up.

Managers, Goldie, LAPD.

[chuckles]

Where you staying now?

Weren't you living at Carl's?

Yeah, I found a place. It's temporary.

Yeah? Where?

Why do I get that feeling

you already know the
answer to that question?

Look. It's none of my
business who you hang with,

but Barton Royce?

Nothing good gonna come out of that.

What, you know Barton?

I know a hundred Bartons.

Look, man. All I know
is that I was sleeping

in a abandoned Rambler for a week

before he gave me a roof, so...

I get it. The man did you a solid.

It's cool.

I'm just looking out for you.

Just checking in.

Them whores feeding you?

[chuckles]

- Models.
- Models.

[both laugh]

Look. How about you come to my house,

I cook you some real food,

and we can put some meat on
these motherfucking bones?

You dig?

I dig.

All right.

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Is that your Midnight Special shirt?

Yeah. Paid 30 bucks for it.

Might as well get some
use out of it, you know?

What are you doing?

It's 7:30. Just having a little...

cockadoodle-doobie.

This sales call's in 15 minutes.

We are right outside the place.

That's all the more
reason to loosen up, man.

Look at you.

This outfit. Look at your fucking face.

What's wrong with it?

You look like you're
trying to take a shit

after winning a grilled
cheese eating competition.

Ugh.

You got to loosen up.

- No.
- Come on.

Come on.

- Aah!
- Yes!

Yes.

- Mm-hmm.
- [turns up stereo]

Mm-hmm!

♪ Rambling man ♪

Yeah, buddy.

Let's sell some car parts, motherfucker!

[knocking at door]

Hey, hon. Bonanza's cancelled.

[chuckles] Good news is

now Lorne Green can devote
full time to his singing.

- [laughs]
- I wanted to talk to you

- about Girls Are Funny, Too.
- So, talk.

I hear you're doing a showcase.

I'd like to go up.

Now don't talk.

Just so there's no confusion,

we've already picked our girls.

Yeah, right, of course. I just...

Cass, your material's getting there.

People are noticing. I'm noticing.

It's all the more reason
to take your time.

- Hmm?
- Can I go up anyway?

I mean, exposure's exposure, right?

Sweetie, people die from
exposure all the time.

You go up, they don't like your ten,

who knows when you'll
see daylight again?

Be smart. Wait.

And when the time comes,

we blow them the fuck away.

Gus, I'm not saying it's the
only cylinder bolt set.

I'm saying it's the best.

Now, watch how that opening
slides onto that shaft

just like God intended.

[both laugh]

- How horny is God, huh?
- What?

Birds do it. Bees do it. I get it.

But cylinder bolt sets?

It's like God's always getting it on.

Your desk lamp, there. You
screw in your light bulb.

Everything's sex with him.

Seriously, God, if it's
not too much to ask,

how about pulling up your pants
and giving war and famine

a little attention?

Here's an idea. You want to spill seed?

Ethiopia.

Huh, I must say that's a
hell of a sales tactic.

- Yep.
- Come in here and blaspheme.

No, he's a little bit unorthodox.

Downright rude's what he is.

Am I wrong? I mean, if God
wanted us to make babies,

he didn't have to get the penis
and the vagina involved.

We could've easily just stuck
our finger in a girl's ear,

but nope... he had to get little God

to do all the thinking for him.

Gus, he's been hit by
lightning four times.

He's got a steel plate in his head.

But fortunately for us... you and me...

he's a whiz at auto parts.

Gus, let's talk gaskets.

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

[laughing] What the fuck was that?

That was the sound of
me waiting in the car

at your next sales call.

- I loved the God run.
- Oh, thank you.

You did not see the
crucifix on the way in.

Ohh, I did not.

- God!
- [both laughing]

Ah, I'm so fucked. [laughing]

[Bill] Yep. Probably.

[Tawny] Chamomile tea
is very good for you.

But I can't remember if it's a
flower or a beautiful weed.

Hey, Nick.

Nick, look who's here.
It's Teddy from New York.

Remember Teddy?

Yeah, I remember Ted.

Remember his cabaret club on 23rd?

- Mm-hmm.
- We saw Peter, Paul and Mary

there.

- [sniffs]
- Your check came.

It's the brand-new television
we talked about getting.

Remember?

Yeah, right.

Right.

- It's 32 inches.
- Mm.

I didn't give you a proper welcome.

Excuse me.

Just moved in, so...

Tawny's putting it together as we go.

Hey, in New York, you
find a rug mid-town,

you drag it all the way
down to the Village.

So, what can I do for you, Ted?

I saw you on Carson.

Mm.

Want to see if I can convince
you to come play my club.

Afraid Goldie's already beat you to it.

Mm.

She always does.

[Nick] Plus, the phone's
ringing off the hook, so...

lot of shit happening.

I know. I tried calling.

Your answering service
could barely speak,

and then she hung up on me.

Hope all those big mucky-mucks
are getting through.

[chuckles] Hey, who loves
a soft peddler, huh?

Always nice to see old friends
from New York, Teddy.

Look, Nicky, I'm not judging.

You know what I had for
breakfast this morning?

Had three fingers of Scotch
and some banana bread.

We've all got our shit, Nick.

Shit still costs money.

So, how much is she paying you? Right.

Besides promising you
the moon, of course.

[chuckles]

See, that's why she drives a Caddy.

Now... [clears throat]

[sniffs]

I will give you half the door

if you work for me
exclusively for one month.

Cash.

Thanks. I'm good.

[Teddy] All right, Nick.

Cards on the table.

Folks like Goldie, they
don't understand survival.

Top of the food chain never does.

Big picture, it sounds nice in theory.

Guys like me and you?

We live in a snapshot of right now.

So, I say fuck the moon.

Man's got to live, right?

[loud thud]

♪ somber music ♪

Well, um, I'll be going.

You think it over.

Yeah.

Motorola Quasar.

Nice.

♪ Walk on by ♪

[Dionne Warwick's "Walk
On By" plays on stereo]

♪ Walk on by ♪

[imitates trumpet sounds]

♪ Make believe ♪

♪ That you don't see the tears ♪

♪ Just let me grieve in private ♪

[together] ♪ 'Cause
each time I see you ♪

♪ I break down and cry ♪

♪ Walk on by ♪

♪ Don't stop ♪

[humming along to music]

♪ Walk on by ♪

♪ Don't stop ♪

♪ Walk on by ♪

♪ Aye-aye-aye ♪

♪ Oh-oh-ohh ♪

♪ I just can't get over losing you ♪

- ♪ Losing you ♪ - ♪ And so if I seem ♪

- ♪ So if I seem ♪ - ♪ Broken and blue ♪

[together] ♪ Walk on by ♪

[imitates trumpet sounds]

[beatboxing]

[together] ♪ Walk on by ♪

[imitates trumpet sounds]

[together] ♪ Foolish pride ♪

♪ Is all that I have left ♪

♪ So let me cry ♪

♪ The tears and the
sadness you gave me ♪

♪ When you said good-bye
♪ [voice breaks]

[Sully] ♪ Ee-ah-ee-ahh ♪

[Sully] ♪ Walk on by ♪

[music stops]

♪ Yeah ♪

You know she did the right
thing dumping you, right?

You're a total loser

and you have the intellectual
acumen of a goldfish

floating on its back.

You know, if we were in a meadow,

I'd be running towards you
right now in slow motion.

Fuck Cassie, man. It's her loss!

You think this is about Cassie?

It's Dionne Warwick, man.

She was on Midnight Special

the night I was supposed to do it.

Okay, well, let's, uh, find some
music that doesn't commemorate

one of your many failures, huh?
Thank you.

♪ 'Cause I'm talking like the way I do ♪

[upbeat R&B music plays over stereo]

♪ I've got something for you, baby... ♪

Well, you're here early.

What are you doing?

Reveling in your Carson buzz?

Waiting to talk to Goldie.

- Fun.
- Yeah.

Saw your stuff the other night.

That is some out-there shit.

Well, I'll just take
that as a compliment

and change the subject to the weather.

[sighs]

Where's tall, red, and angry?

Bill and I aren't exactly
on speaking terms.

Or really any terms right now.

Oh, I think, with Bill,

détente is the most any
of us can hope for.

I'm doing this industrial later.

There's nothing wrong with a
little quick cash, right?

Not from where I sit.

No fucking clue what it is
I'm doing going up there.

Hell of a way to make a living.

[scoffs]

"I shall be telling this with a sigh

somewhere ages and ages hence:

two roads diverged in a wood, and I...

I took the one less traveled by,

and that has made all the difference."

Is that what I'm doing
going up there tonight?

Taking the road less traveled by?

Everybody thinks Frost was

talking about taking the
road less traveled being

the difference between
betcha-by-golly-wow

and a life of quiet desperation.

It's bullshit.

Is this the part where I
smile, bat my eyelashes,

and ask you to go on?

Every path will fuck you to some extent.

Think about it.

What would you be doing if
you'd chosen another path?

Second-grade school teacher?

Popped out a half-dozen kids?

Hang yourself at 30?

You chose this path.

Nothing to do now but cross your
fingers and see what happens.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Follow the yellow brick road.

[laughs softly]

[whistles]

- Ah, thank you.
- Eh.

Thank you.

[sighs]

I could do this.

Open road, steady paycheck.

Yeah. It's a nice...

peaceful death.

Like a coal miner falling asleep

as the last bit of oxygen is
sucked out of the cave-in.

Yeah. At least you got a
wife and kids to go home to.

- A real life.
- You know, I'm starting

to think real life is overrated.

That's 'cause you don't remember
what it was like being single.

I remember there was
a lot more blowjobs.

What, you don't get blown
when you're married?

Just holidays.

Well, now I have Father's Day.
That's nice.

So, basically, if there's no mail,

you get a blowjob.

[laughs]

I'm starting to hate the fucking quiet.

It's like we wait all day
for these 15 minutes.

Then maybe Canter's, home,
television, bowl of cereal.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Are you insane?

You know my average
shit takes 45 minutes

'cause that's my only time alone?

I'm done after five minutes,
and the rest is just sighing

and Reader's Digest.

Yeah? Last night, I ate SpaghettiOs

out of the pan in my
boxers while watching

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.

I went to Sears to look
for refrigerators.

I got so dizzy I had to lay
on the patio furniture.

There's a mannequin with, you know,

- barbecue tongs next to me.
- Mm-hmm.

We were wearing the same pants.

What, did we both just sprout vaginas

in the last five minutes?

We did get a little chatty, didn't we?

Yeah.

- I think I know why.
- What?

- Yeah. Turn around.
- What are you doing?

What are you doing? What
the fuck are you doing?

[grunting] God!

That shirt, man!

Cassie got it for you.

It's turning our testicles into ovaries.

[laughs]

Is it better? Yeah?

Yeah. I got to admit I kind of feel like

talking about last night's
game and spitting in public.

- See?
- Mm.

No, that fucking thing is cursed.

I fucking hate that I miss her.

I know.

But...

the breeze is nice.

[laughs] Yeah.

♪ percussive jazz music ♪

♪♪♪

Hey, uh, we are actually ready to order.

- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah. We'll just have

four of your delightful
cheddar burgers, please.

Okay. You don't want
to hear the specials?

- Nah.
- Oh, specials.

They always have great specials.
What are they?

Well, tonight, it's lobster tails

with drawn butter and baked potato

for $9.95.

- Huh.
- I-I-I-I think the delightful

cheddar burgers will work out...

I'll have the lobster tails. Oh, me too.

Can we just look at the menus again?

[man] Uh, yeah, sure.

Here you go.

Thank you.

♪♪♪

[man] Can I help you?

Hi. I'm Cassie Feder.

I'm here to do the TWA show.

Ralph sent me.

You're a woman.

Hence the vagina.

Is that a problem?

Well, you're here now.

You ever done one of these before?

Nope. First time.

Well, enjoy the deep end of the pool.

You're on in ten.

Fucking lobster tails?

We got 25 bucks. Just their
fucking lobster tails alone

are gonna put us at 20.

I know, I know. Just
the way they went on

about the cheeseburgers, I just
thought it was a done deal.

You know, this is complete bullshit,

and you do this all the time.

No, it's... no, it's not my...
it's the fucking waiter, man.

He blindsided us with those
fucking lobster tails.

Hey! Hey!

Dude! You totally fucked us.

- What?
- We had 25 bucks,

which is perfect for four cheeseburgers,

but then you totally fucked us
with your $9.95 lobster tails.

Sorry. If it's any consolation,
they're really good.

No. Any consolation would be
four fucking cheeseburgers.

Look, is there anything you can do

to help us not look like losers?

He really needs to get laid.

Right now, my dick is like a
grenade with the pin pulled out.

Uh, well, uh, there's
our hot wing challenge.

Eat a bucket of our hot wings
in 15 minutes or less,

- and they're on us.
- As in free?

You still got to pay
for the girls' food,

but it's the best I can do.

- Yeah, okay. Okay, yeah.
- Okay.

- Two orders.
- Fifteen minutes?

Yeah. Just be warned, though:
they're really fucking hot.

Yeah, I mean, how hot can they be?

[Karen] How many of you mothers
in here hate your kids?

[laughter]

Nobody? I'm not talking
about husband hate.

I mean more like a kid-sized
portion of disdain.

[laughter]

Now, listen. I don't
hate being a mother.

I just hate the word "mom."

Ugh!

To me, when I hear "mom,"
it's like hearing "fire!"

And I just want to run as fast
as I can in the other direction.

I don't even want to
stop to drop and roll.

And there are just so many annoying ways

for kids to say it:

Mommy,

Mama,

Ma!

I just can't wait to die, basically.

We've known each other a long time.

I just wanted you to hear it from me.

Yeah, 'cause "fuck you" sounds
so much nicer in person?

It's a month. Then if
you want me back...

You're hot now.

We had an agreement.

Got to keep the lights on.

[sighs]

- What's he promising?
- Half the door.

[scoffs] That's half
of nothing nowadays.

Little more than what you pay.

You want to settle for a few bucks

when you could walk off of my stage

with the world by the short hairs?

Your call.

I just thought you were
smarter than that is all.

Look. I love magic beans just
as much as the next guy,

but I'm just trying to
get through the day.

And then what?

There's big things coming down the road.

How far down the road are we talking?

Because it's great
when you have a Caddy,

but it's a bitch when you're hoofing it

with an anvil on your back.

It's not an anvil on your back.

♪ somber music ♪

What? Am I wrong?

♪♪♪

I never pegged you for a sucker, Nick.

♪♪♪

Is that my cue to sit back down?

Sit, stand, leave, go shoot
up in a fucking alley.

Your call.

♪♪♪

He's buying low, Nick.

Yeah? What are you buying?

Me? I'm betting on the man.

He's betting on the junkie.

He knows junkie's are all
about the short-term,

and you will take whatever
fucking pittance he offers.

And you're offering...
what is it, again?

Oh, right. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow's all you got.

And even that's hanging by a thread.

I got a stack of messages from
people calling me to get to you.

How many calls you
think Teddy's got? Hm?

He's just some blowhard.

Had a club in New York
a hundred years ago

that Bob Dylan and
Woody Allen farted in,

and now he thinks he can come out here

and, in two years, pull off
what I, in one way or another,

have been doing my entire fucking life.

The connections I've nurtured,
the careers I've made...

I own this motherfucking strip!

Fuck the Store and fuck the Troubadour

and fuck that shithead
for betting on you dying

and not on the artist
we both know you are.

♪♪♪

Want to know why you'll stay here, Nick?

Because if you don't, you will die.

♪♪♪

Far as I can tell,

magic beans are the only
real option you have left.

♪♪♪

I know you'll get your
shit straightened out.

♪♪♪

You go up in an hour, hm?

♪♪♪

[panting and grunting]

So, Gail,

Ron tells me your father's a podiatrist.

Twenty years.

That's some feat.

Don't. [coughs]

Christy's dad is a mechanic

- and amateur geologist.
- Hmm.

Could we get some water
over here, please?

[panting and grunting]

Food should not hurt like this.

- Six minutes, guys.
- Ah!

[grunting]

[panting]

So, how many of you guys
have ever flown drunk?

[scattered shouts]

Oh, I think I see a hand

coming up from under the table.

Is that you, Ned Gibbs?

[cheers and applause]

- Hey! Classic Ned.
- [man] I wouldn't mind

seeing you under my table!

- [laughter and cheers]
- Oh, my.

This man, ladies and gentlemen,
is why I take the bus.

You want to join the Mile High Club?

With you? Oh, no, thanks.

But if it's any consolation,

I would consider joining
the Mile Away Club.

- [cheers and laughter]
- Seriously, if your dick is

as big as your mouth, maybe,

but I'm betting it's
as big as your brain,

so enjoy your solo flight.

- [cheers and applause]
- Yeah! All right!

♪ percussive music ♪

♪♪♪

You guys don't look like you're
enjoying your wings that much.

Oh, no. What? Are you kidding?

These are tears of deliciousness.

Maybe if you slowed down a little bit.

No, no, no. Everybody knows
speed enhances flavor.

- I'm done.
- No, you're not.

- I quit, Ron, okay? I quit!
- No, you're not.

I got half of Rosemary's baby

sticking out of my
asshole right now, okay?

- I quit. I'm done.
- Guys, what's going on?

- Nothing.
- The truth is that...

Ron wanted to impress one of you,

but we don't have enough money
to pay for all four meals,

so we took the Hot Wings Challenge,

and now I think we're dying.

It burns when I blink.

Oh, my God. That is so sweet.

Why didn't you say something?
We can totally chip in.

That you'd do that for us

makes me wish we weren't
celibate right now.

[clears throat] Celi-what?

Celibate. For a year.

Hello? Newly sober.

[Gail] You're in the program.

No sex for the first year of sobriety.

Builds a strong foundation.

[coughs]

So, sex is-is totally off
the-the table, then?

I know. Sucks, right?

[loud, continuous flatulence]

[coughs]

You did not just do that.

Yeah, I'm just sort of hoping

a year from now you won't remember.

[man] Thank you.

So, who had the lobster tails?

What did I tell you?
Cozwell a winner, or what?

You do know how to pick 'em, Gold.

She's good. I'll give you that.

You want to kick it up
a notch, there, Marty?

You're barely at faint praise.

I just feel we should be
going a different way.

And what way is that?

Not funny?

Who's the cute blonde
you got going up here?

Does the Texas Jew thing.

Some of my guys saw her.

They think she really has something.

Cassie Feder?

Eh, if she's the cute blonde
with the twang, then yeah, her.

Believe me. Karen is the way to go.

Sure, yeah, if we're doing radio.

What is this? A fucking
Miss America pageant now?

I-I mean, you made that girl
do a whole dog and pony.

You could've made that
call from her headshot.

Marty, what's looks got
to do with funny, anyway?

Yeah.

Diller, Rivers, Burnett...

they're not exactly centerfolds.

You make my point, Eli.

This is the new guard.

It shouldn't look like the old guard.

We want the next Goldie Hawn,

not the next Ruth Buzzi.

Cassie's not ready yet.

I got a laugh track says she is.

So, if we're understanding you,

we agree to this, the
project moves forward?

Green. Lit.

Uh, Ralph said the pay was 200.

It is if you're Ralph.

Let me know if you want to
do any more of these gigs.

There's a novelty aspect to
a woman who can go blue.

Plays well on both sides of the aisle.

Like a chicken playing piano?

Little late to slip the
bow back into your hair.

Keep in touch.

Hey, funny lady. You
got me good in there.

[chuckles] Oh, I hope I
wasn't too tough on you.

Oh, no hard feelings.

So, how long have you been doing comedy?

About two years now.

I can't say I didn't have it coming.

- [both chuckle]
- Well, you're a good sport.

Thanks for playing along.

I don't suppose I could
buy you one drink,

make up for my bad behavior?

Oh, that's very sweet. Thank you.

But I got another gig. It's
at 1:45 in the morning,

so I better move it along.

All right, so that's it? Your
last impression of me is

gonna be the asshole just
shouting sexual innuendo

from the audience? No. No asshole.

But I do have to go.

One drink. Then I'll let
you be on your merry way.

Now, I bet you're into guys
who like to be humiliated.

It's not really my thing.

[Cassie] Please take your hand off me.

Oh, hey, come on. What
happened to the girl

that was up on stage?

I like her better.

I need you to get the fuck away from me.

- Look.
- [gasps]

I've been with a hundred stewardesses.

I know what's an act and what's not.

Get off of me!

- Back the fuck up, asshole!
- Aah!

Fuck! Fucking bitch!

Fucking-a!

You okay, honey?

[breathing heavily]

♪ tense music ♪

♪♪♪

Might want to stock up.

♪♪♪

[breathing heavily]

♪♪♪

[Betty] How'd it go?

[Sully] Eh...

[scoffs] so-so.

No one seemed to really be
in a buying mood today.

[Betty] That's okay.
You'll get 'em tomorrow.

I wish I had your confidence.

[Betty] I think you need a pep talk.

Hey, tell Daddy how
proud you are of him.

Tell him.

[baby cooing]

[Betty] Daddy works so hard.

Yes, he does. Yes, he does!

[groovy rock music plays over stereo]

Courvoisier.

Ain't you supposed to mix this
with Coca-Cola or some shit?

At $22 a bottle, hell no.

You know, I made this bar myself.

Shit, something like
that run you 800 bucks.

Hell, you know, I made all this.

I mean, I didn't make it with my hands,

just... shit didn't just appear.

You-you hear what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.

You could have shit, too.
I have seen your act.

You a talented motherfucker.

Thank you.

I guess I'm not sure
what I want anymore.

Heh! What's to know?

Don't you want success?

I'm sitting deep in the end zone.

Feel me?

I got you. I got you.

It's just...

like, Sonny and Cher?

I don't think I can do that.

Maybe before. But n-now it's...

I think I want something different.

Mm.

Different?

You mean like camping out at a
whorehouse, living off scraps?

That kind of different?

Or hitching your wagon
to a pimp in shiny shoes

dressing like he got
someplace to go different?

[chuckles]

No. I mean respect different.

Oh, you don't think I get respect?

Oh, now you lost your tongue?

Like, wait. What, you think you made it?

You think this sorry-ass bar
you made or any of this

means shit to me?

You don't know sacrifice.

And you know it too well.

You know, who the fuck
do you think you are?

You in my fucking house.

You think you're Gregory? Pryor?

You're not. You're just a trifling nigga

standing on a stepstool

pretending like it's Mount Sinai.

Thanks for dinner.

[Ralph] You want to talk about respect?

Men have lived because I
got motherfucking respect!

[door shuts]

♪♪♪

♪ Well, do what you wanna
do but do all right ♪

♪♪♪

[sighs]

I called Gus.

I'm meeting him for drinks.

Dude, it's getting late.
We go up in an hour.

I-I'll... I'll... I'll
drop you off at Goldie's.

[laughing] I got to...

fix that mess from earlier.

Seriously?

All right.

For when you clock out, huh?

[laughs]

[engine turns over]

Most people say thank you
when you get a joint.

- Fuck you.
- Eh.

[Eddie] Seriously, you
have to start chipping in.

It's not my fault. I mean... I
mean, this wasn't our plan.

Your friend who was supposed
to give us a place to live

got hit by a fucking bus.

I mean, at least admit that's
sort of a monkey wrench.

So, what?

You still got to do something.

You're like the story of the
ant and the grasshopper.

The what?

The ant and the grasshopper.

The ant busts his ass

while the grasshopper
jerks off all summer.

Then when the fucking winter
comes, the grasshopper's like,

"Help me, ant," and the ant is like,

"Fuck you, grasshopper.
I work for a living."

So, the moral of the story
is the ant's a fucking dick?

No. The moral of the story is
no one owes you shit, Ron.

Get a fucking job.

[sighs]

[sniffs]

♪ tense music ♪

♪♪♪

[breathing deeply, shakily]

♪♪♪

[knocking at window]

♪♪♪

[sighs] Hey.

♪♪♪

You okay?

[chuckles lightly] Yeah. I'm great.

♪♪♪

[lighter flicks open]

What's it like being a guy?

Just to get to be funny
and not have to worry

about someone yelling about your tits

every time you get onstage?

Well, to be fair, that's just
because I tape them down

before every show.

[sniffs]

Look. Every time any one of
us gets up on that stage,

there's some perception
we're trying to overcome.

No. It's different.

Women get up there, and it's
a fucking shooting gallery.

Phyllis Diller intentionally
makes herself unattractive

so that people will
focus on what she says.

She has to hide who she
is just to be who she is.

Sounds like every comic I've ever met.

Oh, yeah? What are you hiding?

Hmm?

I came here to comfort you.

[knocking at window]

Goldie wants to see you.

- Great.
- [both laugh softly]

[Billy Preston's "Will It
Go Round in Circles" plays]

♪ I've got a song I
ain't got no melody ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm gonna sing it to my friends ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I've got a song I
ain't got no melody ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm gonna sing it to my friends ♪

♪ Will it go round in circles? ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Will it fly high like
a bird up in the sky ♪

[glass clanks]

♪ Aah ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Will it fly high like
a bird up in the sky ♪

[glass shatters]

Close the door.

You're in.

In what?

Girls Are Funny, Too.

That's what you wanted, right?

Of course it's what I wanted.

Good.

I-I don't... I don't understand.

I didn't even audition,

and you told me that
my act wasn't ready.

Who said anything about doing your act?

They want the girl from Wink.

But I don't do that anymore.

You've been invited to
the ball, Cinderella.

You can go back to your
pumpkin after midnight.

Right now, I need you to
look pretty and be funny.

♪ somber music ♪

In that order?

In that order.

Come in tomorrow. We'll
start working on your set.

This is gonna move like a freight train.

♪♪♪

[sighs]

♪♪♪

Do you believe in me?

It's been my experience
that most leaps of faith

are often preceded by a shove.

♪♪♪

- [laughing]
- They are going to make you

one of them, my peacock. [laughs]

[all chanting] One of us. One of us.

- Gooble gobble...
- [man] Gooble gobble...

[all chanting] one of us, one of us.

Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.

We accept her. We accept her.

One of us. Gooble gobble, one of us.

One of us. Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.

We accept her. We accept her.

Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.

One of us. One of us.

Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.

We accept her. We accept her.

One of us. Gooble gobble, one of us.

One of us. Gooble gobble, one of us.

We accept her. We accept her.

Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.

One of us. One of us.

Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.

We accept her. We accept her.

Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.

One of us. One of us.

Gooble gobble. We accept her.

Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.

One of us. One of us.

Gooble gobble, gooble gobble.

[man] They're going to make
you one of them, my peacock!

- [man laughs]
- Gooble gobble...