I'm Dying Up Here (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Return - full transcript

[Ralph] Previously on
I'm Dying Up Here...

[Bill] How did they not
shoot you in 'Nam?

There's nothing but bamboo over there.

What tree could you have
possibly fucking hid behind?

I heard Johnny had Rickles
on the other night.

That's fresh.

Can't get any more "dog
bites man" than that.

This is Sparky.

You didn't think he
would come to Hollywood

to see his big-shot brother?
He's not my brother.

- I can't see the weather girl!
- [Sparky barking]



- Sparky...
- [TV static adjusting]

I'm saying, your manager should
get you gigs, and that's it.

Shouldn't be trying to fit you
into somebody else's box.

It's nice having a
comedian as a girlfriend.

[Cassie] You've never
called me that before.

Is that what this is?

[Bill] Gotta love the comedian.

But to be honest, I was kind
of hoping for the girlfriend.

You don't think comedy lasts?

We get something better.

We get the moment.

You know, we get the right-fucking-now.

♪ acoustic guitar music ♪

♪ jazz music ♪



[Edgar] Are you having
a good time, ma'am?

Really? All right.

Tell your face.

[laughter]

[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

[wild laughter]

[Adam] I used to do a
lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad
was in the business...

of breaking shit.

[laughter continues]

[Cassie] Well, what are
you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.

[laughter]

[Edgar] All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

[laughter and applause]

♪ Jon Brion's "Punch-Drunk
Melody" plays ♪

[Mitch] I've been watching
these Watergate hearings.

I can't help thinking how
much better a president

you'd have made than Tricky Dick.

Ha-ha.

I feel like a pig at a trough

with all the material he's providing.

That's hell in a handbasket.

[both chuckle]

[Johnny] Mitch, you got a light?

Howard.

[chuckles] Wow, good to see you.
How are you?

Enjoying the Roman orgy of
comedy that is our presidency.

[chuckles]

Glad you stopped by to say hello.

Howard's gonna be on the show this week.

Wonderful.

Well.

Thrilled to have you back.

Better lock the door.

Ed's in the building.

[all chuckling]

Shit, uh, Mitch, can I
talk to you for a sec?

Sorry, Howard, I'll have
him back to you in a jiff.

It's about his drinking at work.

- Ah.
- [laughs]

Jesus, Mitch, Howard Leetch?

Last week it was Foster
Brooks and Nipsey Russell.

What are we now, a fucking
Dean Martin roast?

Why don't you tell that to
Pepto-Bismol and Rice Krispies?

Screw the sponsors.

We're known for discovering comics,

not reminding the audience
which ones are still alive.

I don't care if that kid stepped
in front of a Boeing 747.

Get the young guys back.

[airplane engine roars]

♪ pensive music ♪

♪♪♪

[Tawny] What about Disneyland?

What about-- what about Disneyland?

Didn't you ever want to meet Mickey?

I want to meet Mickey.

Hey, remember that girl
who lost her mouse ears

on that people-mover thingy?

She jumped on the tracks to get them

and missed her car and ran out an exit.

She fell 30 feet,

had to be in a body brace.

She had a pin put in her leg.

Eat up.

We gotta meet the
mattress guy in an hour.

Would you jump 30 feet for ears?

♪♪♪

I have jumped a lot farther

for a lot less.

[chuckles softly]

[fork clatters]

[exhales sharply]

[distant dog barking]

[wet plunger plopping]

You know in Detroit, the pipes
can handle a man's business.

I don't even own a plunger.

Yeah, it's obviously some
sort of LA plumbing defect.

It's got nothing to do with

the litter of piglets you
just tried to flush, Pop.

Yeah.

Whatever you say, Billy.

[dog continues barking]

[crowd laughing heartily]

[laughter]

[Ralph] You know, I was watching
Looney Tunes the other day.

You know, Daffy Duck,
Bugs Bunny, and the boys.

And they had this cartoon
about black people called

"Scrub Me Mama with a Boogie Beat."

[laughter]

And I thought, boogie beat? Finally.

A cartoon about my
people with some soul.

But this shit was about
a bunch of black people

living in a place called Lazy Town.

[laughter]

Now, first of all,

my people built this country for free

from 1619 till about

mm...yesterday.

[laughter]

So if anybody earned the right
to take it easy, it's us.

[laughter]

I got so mad 'cause I was like, what?

Another racist depiction
reinforcing the stereotype

that all black people are lazy.

Now, I would have turned that shit off

if my set wasn't halfway
across the room.

[laughter]

But in my defense, I did
have my La-Z-Boy recliner

set all the way back to
righteous-indignation setting.

[laughter]

So I was comfortable and
making a statement.

[laughter and applause]

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and whistles]

You look like shit.

I see somebody's been working on

their people skills while I was away.

[lighter flicks]

I hear you been doing
the Playboy circuit.

How's that?

Distracting.

[scoffs]

You, uh, talk to the fellas?

Not yet.

Sorry to hear about Clay.

Good guy.

Such is life, right?

What can I do for you, Nick?

I got The Tonight Show.

Really?

I go up Wednesday.

[soft laugh] How'd you pull that off?

Last week,

working the Playboy Club in New Orleans.

One of Mitch's scouts
from The Tonight Show's

fucking a Bunny there, saw my act,

and I landed in LA this morning.

Grandkids gonna love that story.

[laughs]

It's a lot more eyes on you, Nick.

Been a good boy for two years, so...

That's good to hear.

[drink pours]

So how are you on fifth chances?

[chuckles softly]

How are you on other options?

[Nick] If I had a hat,
it'd be in my hand.

♪ Jon Brion's "Something
You Can't Return To" ♪

I need to go up.

Wednesday's coming up fast.

[Goldie] Can't get any
further west than this.

♪♪♪

You fuck up here,

you'll be performing
balls-deep in seawater.

♪♪♪

[sighs]

When you want to go up?

Tonight?

Be a nice perk if I could bump Bill.

[scoffs] You are lucky
you're a funny fuck.

Arnie!

Just remember who your friends are.

♪♪♪

[crowd laughing]

[Fitzy] Yeah, I used to
wrestle in high school,

but as soon as I'd come, I'd quit.

Alex, how are you? Was
the kitchen on fire?

Good to see you, kid.

Whoa, Jesus, not this asshole.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got a
special treat for you tonight.

Mr. Nick Beverly. Nick
Beverly, give it up!

Come on! Let him hear it!

[cheers and applause]

[Nick] Thomas Fitzgerald, everyone.

Let's keep it going for Fitzy, huh?

[applause]

This is Fitzy's home club.

It's also his actual home.

[laughter]

So if you're feeling generous,
leave a jacket behind.

He'll use it for a blanket
right here in about an hour.

You got to be fucking kidding me.

[Nick] How are ya?

- Who is that guy?
- [Nick] Looking good.

Depends on the night.

[Nick] Been thinking about
social issues a lot lately.

Lot of injustice out there, you know?

Talking to a black friend
of mine the other day.

The whole time, I kept thinking,

this guy's dick's probably
bigger than mine.

[laughter]

Just not fair.

That got me all philosophical, you know?

I-I came to a conclusion that
if every man in the world

had the same size cock,

there'd be no more racism.

- [crowd reacts]
- That would be it.

Can we agree on a size?
Can we put it to a vote?

Show of hands here? Five
inches, six inches?

Can I get a seven? This
guy's holding out.

What do you want, 15? Come on.

[laughter]

I love, though, that
you women want to have

bigger cocks in your life. Love it.

But why?

Why, when you don't use the
cocks you have access to now?

[laughs]

[Nick] Seriously, you know if you got

a bigger cock in your life,

you would stop using it in a week.

It's like that exercise
bike you insisted on

that sits in the corner of your bedroom

with a bunch of dirty
clothes hanging on it.

[laughter]

Baby, you want to see eight inches?

You come backstage and see me twice.

[laughter]

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I'm doing Carson this week.

- [man] Yeah.
- [cheers and applause]

Yeah. Wednesday night.

[applause]

So I got to work on a couple
jokes that don't have

you know, dick and cock in 'em.

I got two so far so I
hope you enjoy 'em.

[laughter and applause]

[laughter]

- [Cassie] All right.
- [Bill] So dickhead over here

is at the bar with two cops, right?

- [Ralph] Mm-hmm.
- [Bill] And-and, uh,

he starts pointing at me.

Look, a bank had just been held up.

There's red pubic hair all
over the crime scene.

It seems fairly obvious
you're the prime suspect.

Signature move.

[all talking]

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Pubes are everywhere. Fuck you.

So one of the cops grabs Nick,

slams him against the bar,
and cuffs him, right?

So I stumble over, I'm all shitfaced.

I throw my arm around him and I'm like,

what the fuck is going on?

[Edgar] Can you just cut to
the part where you guys get

locked up and start blowing
guys for cigarettes?

- Come on.
- [laughs, gags]

This isn't about the Mexican
day-care system, okay, Edgar?

Ooh. He knows your childhood.

[laughter]

So, turns out Nick had said some
not-so-nice words to the cop.

Tell 'em what you said.

Oh, that was a long time ago.

- [scoffs]
- Well,

they haul-so they haul us in,

and then-then we have to,
uh, spend the night in...

[both] Protective custody. Yeah.

[Edgar] Wow. [knocks table]

White people have the best jail stories.

[Ralph] That's some
bullshit right there.

If y'all were black, the
story would have ended up

of how the cops had to explain

how you hung yourself
with your own shoelaces.

[Cassie] Yeah, but, what
I want to know, Nick,

is where you've been
the last three years.

I mean, besides being
on the T-and-A circuit.

[Ralph] Yeah.

Where haven't I been?

[Edgar] Probably blowing
a bunch of guys.

Fuck, Edgar.

Little one-note with the
blowjob jokes, right?

I'm sorry, it's just like a song
that gets stuck in your head.

Come on, let him talk. I want to know.

[Nick] All right.

Yeah, Nick, where you been?

Let's see, uh...

- Did a lot of drugs.
- [Ralph] Mm-hmm.

- As you all know.
- [Ralph] Yes, we do.

Uh, lot of drinking.

Banged my fair share of Bunnies.

Found Jesus.

Lost him again.

[Ralph] Easy to lose.

Entertained everything
from running for office

to holding up a bank.

Worked blue collar, white collar,

you name it.

And in the end, the
only thing that made me

not want to hook a hose
to my exhaust pipe

was being a fuckin' comic.

So I did the one thing
that no comic's ever done.

Pick up a check?

I got my shit together.

[Edgar] I was sort of hoping it
was gonna be pick up the check

because I had a waffle and
I only have a dollar.

Fuck, Edgar.

[Edgar chuckles]

That's a great story, Kerouac.

Thank you.

But let's ask the real question.

How the fuck did you get Carson?

[scoffs]

[chuckles]

[inhales sharply]

Not gonna like the answer, Bill.

Can't dislike it any more
than I do the question.

Well, Bill,

it turns out

that unlike you,

I'm really fucking funny.

[laughter]

[Ralph] One! Two!

Three! He's out!

[woman] ♪ The answer my friend ♪

♪ Is blowing in the wind ♪

♪ The answer is blowing in the wind ♪

♪ The answer my friend ♪

♪ Is blowing in the wind ♪

♪ The answer is blowing in the wind ♪

♪♪♪

[woman] Thank you. Uh,
next song is about love.

I had the tuna.

Oh. Right.

Tuna for the young Ingrid Bergman.

Ingrid Bergman was a whore.

That she slept with
that Guinea director,

a real piece of work.

Okay. [nervous chuckle]

Can I get you guys anything else?

Some pickles would be lovely, dear.

Pickles, sure thing.

[woman] ♪ To hear I love you ♪

♪ But not... ♪

Hey, Gracja,

have you ever considered expanding

the deli's entertainment to include

actual entertainment?

That not entertainment.

Sister.

♪ Caress me so... ♪

[Eddie] Well, you know, I was thinking

an open mic for comics might work here.

A lot of places are doing it.

You already have the space.

Might bring in a few extra customers.

And comedy is very hot right now.

If I do it,

will you stop talking
jokes to the customers?

If I'm not on stage, it'll be nothing

but soup of the day from here on out.

Okay.

I try.

But not paying anybody.

You sure you never ran
a comedy club before?

[woman] ♪ I am a woman... ♪

Okay.

♪ Cherokee's "Funky Business" ♪

♪♪♪

[doorbell chimes]

♪♪♪

Yes?

Hey, I'm, uh, Adam Proteau.

Barton Royce sent me.

You're early.

Yeah, well, I hitchhiked,
so it's kind of

hard to be accurate.

[song playing over stereo]

♪ I think I'll slide on out
see if I can't find me ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Just can't seem to help myself ♪

♪ I'm lonely ♪

♪ Say, I think I'll slide on out ♪

♪ And see if... ♪

It's not a zoo, Adam.

We thrive on discretion.

Yeah, I can see that.

Ours. Not theirs.

♪ Too much funky business now... ♪

[song muffled]

[Adam] So I don't think
I caught your name.

Sonja.

So, this is your room
when we don't need it.

Hey, so them girls out there,
they--they prostitutes?

Models.

Barton didn't fill you in?

Roof over my head, $25 a week,

and handyman work, that's about it.

We run an exclusive modeling agency

that caters to a very
high-end clientele.

Since when did models

blow guys by swimming pools?

Since always.

Can't believe Barton
didn't say nothing about

this place being a whorehouse.

We like to think of
ourselves as courtesans,

here to entertain members of nobility.

You get a lot of nobility up in here?

That model blowing the guy by the pool?

She gets $1,000 an
hour for her services.

That fucking noble enough for you?

Your work clothes.

Don't be seen without them on.

[sighs]

You gotta be shittin' me.

You're telling us we
gotta risk our lives

just because somebody might need help.

[Cassie] What time is
your family getting back?

[Bill] Dad took the dog to the vet.

Susie went with him to take
pictures of what's left

of the Hollywood sign.

What's the matter with him?

Dad? Well, judging by

the stool sample he
provided the other day--

Sparky.

Who the fuck knows? He's old.

Dog's a fucking asshole anyway.

"Dog's a fucking asshole."

You did not just say that. [laughs]

You don't know Sparky like I do.

The total dick.

Fuck, he's a dog, Bill.

Sparky's not just a dog.

He's the son my father never had.

Seriously.

My dad would come home from work and

us kids and my mom would be there

and he wouldn't say one word.

He'd pick up that dog and he
would hug it and kiss it.

Not like we gave a fuck.

Hey, you want to go to Canter's?

Come on, your treat.

[scoffs] Why?

We have a full box of Lucky Charms

just waiting in my cabinet.

Come on, the guys'll probably be there.

It'll be good to get out of the house.

"The guys"?

Like Eddie or Nick?

Or Sully and Ralph.

[chuckles] Yeah.

What? What?

You really gonna play stupid?
Come on, Cass.

You went all Pavlov's pussy
the other night at Canter's

every time Nick opened his mouth.

- Jesus, Bill.
- Am I wrong?

Why do you have to be such an asshole?

- You hung on his every word.
- [sighs]

The guy's fucking Clay
without the tread marks.

Cass, come on.

I didn't mean it. Stay.

Can't you ever try to be
just a little bit better

than you were the day before, ever?

Just this much? Once?

All right. I'm fucking sorry!

[door slams]

[TV chatter continues]

So you want us to leave this deli

to go to another deli?

- It's an open mic.
- And it's gonna stay that way.

Wait, what is this place again?

Donimirski's, it's a
Polish deli in the Valley.

And you gotta order something to go up.

- So make sure you bring money.
- [Ron laughs]

Wait, I gotta pay them to go up?

[Eddie] I admit, it's not
exactly ideal, okay?

Do I get an extra five minutes

if I order, like, a side or some shit?

- [chuckling] Yeah.
- Hey, do they deliver?

'Cause I'll be anywhere
except that fuckin' deli.

[Eddie] Okay, I don't understand.

we played strip clubs in Boston.

Because we got paid and
we were surrounded

by naked women, not old people eating

while God points to his watch.

Hey, it's a place where we can go up

to work on our material
before we go up at Goldie's.

Well, I do got some new material

that could use some trying out.
Sort of like a new direction.

You think they'd be cool with it?

Trust me, after a month of
Bob Dylan's Polish aunt,

short of you playing soccer
with a puppy, they're game.

Well, all men suck,

so the least one of you assholes can do

is buy me some fries and a Diet Pepsi.

That is the worst jingle
for Kotex I ever heard.

Uh, excuse me, can we
get an order of, uh,

fries and a Diet Pepsi, please?

Thank you. I'll pay you back on Friday.

I know how you can pay
Eddie back right now.

He's looking for comics for his
new open mic at Donimirski's.

Is that a new club?

[Ron] No-no-no-no-no, it's not a club.

- It's a deli.
- [Eddie] Mm-hmm.

Like a deli deli?

I'm waiting tables at
a deli in the Valley

and they got stage space
so I just thought,

you know, what the hell? It's...

Hey, if there's a mic, an audience,

and a plate of pierogies, I'm in.

[Adam] Wait, but what
about Goldie's rule of us

playing at other clubs?

It's not a club.

[both] It's a deli.

♪ funk music ♪

Jinx, you owe me a bag of coke.

♪ John Randolph Marr's "Hello
LA, Bye-Bye Birmingham" ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I packed everything that I own ♪

♪ I put it in a knapsack ♪

♪ I'm leaving Birmingham yes I am ♪

♪ Ain't gonna look back ♪

♪ Bought me a guitar wrote me a song ♪

♪ Played it for the
DJ on the telephone ♪

♪ Going out to Hollywood
feeling good, yes I am ♪

[chuckles]

My man from another land!

Oh, they...feed you
Hollywood types well, huh?

Well, I see you still
ugly as a motherfucker.

- [laughs]
- How 'bout that?

Come on, let's go to the car.

Mm.

Oh, man.

There's some white women here in LA...

- God damn.
- Oh, yeah.

Like that?

♪ Eating a po'boy sandwich ♪

♪ Taking drinks from
a quart of wine... ♪

God damn!

No wonder most of us is
in the halfway house

'cause you fuckin' took the rest of it.

[both chuckle]

Oh, look, that's how
you know you made it.

Black ass on a white couch, huh.

You mind if I?

Nah.

- You wanna hit?
- Nah, I'm good.

Well, there's better than good.

You know what? Other than in the case

of a drink here and there,

I don't trust the stuff. I'm clean.

I buy that.

Think it's really fucked up.

- [laughs]
- But I buy that.

[chuckles]

Mm.

You build that?

This? Yeah.

Took me a couple of months.

But I am almost done.

Little varnish...

Oh.

So what are you doing, man?

I'm a security guard.

That's cool.

[coughs] Nigga, no it ain't.

[chuckles]

It definitely ain't. That
shit sound terrible.

[both laugh]

I'm going to night school.

Oh, good. Good.

[Melvin] Mm-hmm.

Refrigerator repair.

[Ralph] That shit sound steady.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

[Ralph] Hey, what happened to that, uh,

girl you were seeing, uh, Lorraine?

Oh, she gone.

Yeah.

Man,

look at you, man.

Hollywood Ralph, boy, look at that.

[Ralph] [chuckles]

It's a long way from 'Nam, ain't it?

[Ralph] [sighs] Not long enough.

You ever,

you know, think about the shit we did?

Why would I?

Oh, 'cause you can't not?

[exhales]

Crazy fuckin' times.

Yeah.

Mm.

- Yeah, give me that.
- Yeah.

[Melvin] That's what I thought.
[both snicker]

♪ solemn piano music ♪

♪♪♪

[Nick] I was recently performing comedy

in Playboy Clubs across America.

[scattered cheers, whistles]
Yeah, Playboy and America.

[scattered laughter]

And what amazed me most
was the amount of women

who want to be Playboy Bunnies.

[scattered laughter]

Yeah. I had no idea

that there were that many
shitty fathers out there.

- [laughter]
- Seriously.

Playboy Bunnies don't
just happen, people.

All right, they're not
born into the wild.

A lot of serious parental neglect

goes into the making of a good Bunny.

[laughter]

Dads, we got any dads in here?

You show up sober for
one birthday party?

You're sending her down
the slippery slope

of a higher education.

- [laughter]
- I promise you that...

Hey, you seen Cassie?

No.

Hey,

he can't do any of this on Carson.

His first five minutes were Carson.

This is actual humor.

Billy.

I think we're gonna get going.

What? I'm going up.

Dad's worried about Sparky.

Sparky's fine, Dad.

He's been alone too long,

and unless you want dog
piss all over the place...

I'm up next.

Fifteen minutes.

We'll be home within the hour.

[Nick continuing] And rats?

[sighs] All right.

[Nick continuing] And turn
it into a shittier diamond.

I'm not married.

I am looking, though.
Relationships are hard.

What do you think? You know? Really.

I feel like animals have it the best.

Two dogs meet.

A sniff here, sniff there.

[laughter]

They get to have sex,

and then it's right back
to chasing squirrels.

[laughter]

No one's mad that no one called.

You know, there's no guilt trip.

You never get one of those...
[as dog] Spike?

Yeah, it's Fluffy.

Fluffy, white terrier, remember?
[soft chuckle]

You were off your leash, I was in heat?
[soft chuckle]

You said my bark was

infectious.

[laughter]

[as Spike] Uh, Fluffy, ye-uh-yeah,

I was-I was gonna call.
[stammers] I was just gonna

just gonna call. [chuckles]

[as Fluffy] Don't, Spike, don't.

You demean us both when you lie, okay?

[laughter]

[as Spike] Fluffy,
just let me come over.

We can just...talk.

[as Fluffy] [scoffs]

[scoffs] "Just talk."

[laughter]

You think I was born yesterday?

I'm two for Chrissake.

[laughter]

[as Spike] Fluffy, why-why-why
does it have to be like this?

[as Fluffy] You're not
hearing me, Spike.

[laughter]

You're not hearing me, okay?

If we're out, and I feel
your wet snout rub across

my deliciously beautiful
tight, puckered anus...

[laughter and groans]

I will take that as an act of aggression

and I swear, I will rip that
tube of lipstick you call a cock

right out of its socket!

[laughter and applause]

[cheers and applause]

True.

[cheers and applause]

Well, thank you.

Uh, you been a great audience,

slightly on the older side,

so I appreciate you coming out so late,

seeing how it's nine
o'clock and a lot of you

have to get up for breakfast
in about an hour.

[clears throat]

Uh--uh-huh.

[indistinct talking]

We are out of the beef barley soup.

86 beef barley.

Okay.

Our next comic is a very funny guy,

Adam Proteau, he will
be up here shortly.

Thanks.

Hey, you sure that anything goes here?

'Cause all of my stuff
is still pretty raw.

Well, that's what places
like this are for.

- Okay.
- [exhales]

It looks like a George
Romero movie in here.

[Adam] Give it up for Eddie
Zeidel, ladies and gentlemen...

Hey, this is how you get better, okay?

Expand your audience.

Play in rooms you're
not supposed to be in.

Yeah, I mean, I definitely agree about

the "I'm not supposed
to be in here" part.

[Adam] Um, my name's Adam...

Man, I'm sorry, I...

Well, tonight I want to talk
to y'all about fucking.

Oh, God.

But you--y'all- y'all
still fucking, right?

Melvin, get your black ass out here.

[Melvin] Coming, man.

[chuckles] [mutters]

This is what you wearing?

What, something wrong?
Man, the war is over, man.

Why you holding onto this?
This shit is beat.

Oh. [sighs]

You know, when I was there, all
I could think about was here.

And now I'm here, all I
think about is there.

Man, you...

That's your problem. You stuck.

You think a cop wears his
uniform when he's off-duty?

Hell no. You off-duty.

Now, give me that.

Give you what?

That jacket.

Look, my weight has
fluctuated over the years

so I'm sure I got something
in my closet that'll fit you.

Now, give me this.

[softly] No, man.

Give me that jacket, man.

Ha, all right.

There he is.

Now, you hold on, let me
get you some fly shit.

[rock music playing over stereo]

You raised by degenerate gamblers?

No, salt of the Earth, the pair of them.

Just didn't take.

[chuckling]

[Tish] Goldie tells me that
Johnny's had a change of heart.

You bringing the kids back up.

Oh, yeah, I had to put my
foot down with Johnny.

I told him flat out, either
you bring those kids back

or you don't 'cause it's your show.

- I only work here.
- [chuckling]

A call would have been nice.

[Mitch] Pardon?

You know, a phone call?

Save you a schlep to New
Orleans to find a fuckin' kid.

[Mitch] [nervous chuckle]

You are like a dog with a
bone, did you know that?

[clears throat] I told you,

I had a guy who happened to be
in New Orleans and saw him.

He's gonna be playing
your club all month long.

We all win.

You're just lucky you
suck so bad at cards,

that's all I'm saying, Mitch.

- [chucking]
- [Mitch] Oh, ho, well.

- I love you, too.
- [chuckles]

You know who you got
to get in your club?

Is Riggs and King.

My God, did you see those numbers?

[Tish] 50 million people.
50 million people.

[Mitch] For tennis.

Can you imagine what
those numbers would be

for something that was
actually interesting?

Well, networks are paying attention.

They want to capitalize.

Everybody is looking for things

Jane can do as well as Tarzan.

And what about comedy?

I could put together a group of women,

make them pee their pants faster
than bad Nielsen ratings.

[Mitch] Okay. Who?

Diller? Rivers?

We've seen the usual suspects.

I'm talking up-and-comers.

I got girls got bigger
laughs in my place

than you in a swimsuit.

- [chuckling]
- [sighs]

Hey, you could call your special,

"Girls Are Funny Too."

- [Tish] Oh.
- [chuckling]

Eh, but only because

"Men Are Sexist Fucking Pricks"

wouldn't get past the censors.

[laughter]

Oh, I got the girls.

You just wouldn't dare put them on.

- I don't know.
- Mm-hmm.

[clapping]

All right, let me guess.
Brother and sister?

Oh. 53 years.

All right, that's disgusting.
That should be illegal.

[laughter]

How long did you date
before you got married?

We didn't date. He courted me.

"Courted." Oh, I love that.

I haven't been courted since
I let Gary Dorfheimer

get to second base in a
McDonald's parking lot.

[laughter]

So what do you think, is there
any hope for me, even though

I'm, you know, giving out
free milk at McDonald's?

[laughter]

You just need to meet the right one.

You know, that's what everybody says.

You'll find the right one.

Well, how am I supposed to recognize

that needle in the haystack?

The needle finds you.

I was going after his brother.

What a floozy!

[laughter]

What made you switch?

He hears me.

Oh, so, he's a good listener?

Anyone can listen.

Very few hear.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Don't rub it in, bitch.

[laughter]

[Susan] You come up
with that on the spot?

- Well...
- [chuckles]

Sparky?

- Sometimes.
- Here, boy!

[whistles]

[sighs] Really fun tonight, Bill.

Thanks.

I haven't seen Dad laugh
like that since...

Mmm, Hiroshima?

[laughs] You're terrible.

- Well, it's true.
- [Warren] No!

No! No!

[Susan's footfall]

[Warren] Oh, God.

He's barely breathing.
Call an ambulance.

I don't--I don't think
they come for dogs, Dad.

Then just bring the fucking car around!

[Sparky whimpering]

[breathes deeply]

[Eli] You know, I really
liked your idea last night.

Hm?

[exhales]

The women in comedy thing.

[sighs]

The only time Johnny opens doors
for women is in restaurants.

Nah-nah-nah-nah, screw The Tonight Show.

CBS would be all over this.

Come on, Maude, The
Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Well, there's nothing like a dame.

Why don't you put together
a proposal, you know,

see who you think makes the
grade, female-comic wise?

And we'll take it out. Together.

Run it up Freddie Silverman's
pole, see if he salutes?

Why not?

Would it make me a producer?

It would make us producers.

[soft laugh]

I'm gonna do something for you

I haven't done for a man in 20 years.

Oh, yeah?

Mm, what's that?

Make you breakfast.

[both laugh]

[chuckling]

- [man, muffled] Oh, yeah!
- [bed creaking, muffled]

[woman, muffled] Oh, fuck.

- [man, muffled] Oh, oh.
- [woman moaning, muffled]

Oh, you gotta be shitting me right now.

[man, muffled] Oh!

Hey.

It's eight in the morning.

You still got people going at it?

You see a time clock?

We're more of a "when the
mood hits you" business.

You know how to work a washing machine?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess, why?

Maid's sick. Sheets need to be changed.

Are you seriously asking me
to wash a whole bunch of

whores' comed-on bed linens?

Use it as motivation.

Who knows?

Maybe one day you'll be successful

and someone will be cleaning
your comed-on sheets.

I'm just saying it's not
cool, man, all right?

You--you just walked
out on me last night.

I wanted to perform at
your deli, I swear,

but this opportunity came up

to shove an eight-foot cactus up my ass

and--I mean, you see my dilemma here.

You're such a dick.

I mean, even Cassie gets it.

She was so good last night.

Aw.

People really respond to her.

Is it just me,

or did your dick move
when you said that?

Oh, I--I think it did. Yeah.

Come on, man.

Just give it a shot.

- Dude, I...
- Once.

Come on. Come on.

What do you got to lose? Come on.

All right, all right, fine, fine.

- Just do me one favor.
- Sure.

Move like four feet that way.
You smell like a salami farted.

Sorry.

[Bill] He just buried
him in my backyard.

He didn't even ask.

He just dug it.

Now I got a big dirt speed
bump on the way to my hibachi.

Yeah, well, it's not like he could bring

a dead dog back to Michigan, that's--

[Bill] He's not going back.
Never going back.

If he does, how's he
gonna put fresh flowers

every week on Sparky's grave?

It's like fucking Joe
DiMaggio and Marilyn.

Hey, Bill, your dad is grieving.

Why don't you cut him some slack?

[Bill] What?

Why doesn't somebody cut me some slack?

I'm the guy with the tomb of the
unknown terrier in his backyard.

Okay.

Where you going?

I got a singing telegram gig.

Should I meet you at your place later?

Yeah, I'm pretty tired, I think
I'm just gonna do the gig

and crash, but, uh,
I'll call you tomorrow.

Hey.

I'm sorry

about what I said about Clay.

That's not cool.

Yeah.

No, I know you're sorry, Bill.

♪ Jon Brion's "Overture" ♪

[applause]

Hey, Goofus,

where's Gallant?

Hosting an open mic at a
Polish deli in the Valley.

A deli?

Like, where old people eat?

Yeah.

Why is it so gross for them?

Like, old people are cute when
they're shoving five bucks

in your birthday card, but

you ever watch them eat?

I know, it's like swallow, then talk.

Who would perform at a deli?

Cassie. And me, apparently.

Cassie's going up at a deli, huh?

Yeah, at Donimirski's in the Valley.

Eddie set up this open mic thing.

She's going up tonight.

Bill, uh, this my buddy, Melvin.

We were in 'Nam together.

Oh, hey. Bill.

Good to meet ya.

I never met one of Ralph's
'Nam buddies before.

Probably 'cause there
ain't a lot of us left.

[chuckles]

Uh, Melvin, this is Edgar.

Edgar, Melvin and I served together.

Oh, really? What restaurant?

[laughs]

Just fucking with you, dude.

You might want to show a little respect.

Man was decorated. Man was a Sergeant.

[Ralph] Uh, it's cool, brother.
It's cool.

Uh, this is what we do.

It's what we do, we
fuck with each other.

It's--it's no disrespect.

[Edgar, softly] Yeah.

Sorry.

It--maybe I just need a drink.

You know what? Let's get you a drink.

Let's all get a drink. Come on.

♪♪♪

[Ralph] Hey, Raquel Welch,
let's get some, uh,

get some drinks over here.

♪♪♪

- Do you like mine?
- Mm-hmm.

Excuse me. [clears throat] Excuse me.

Um, hey, sorry, uh,

hey, man, I just wanted to
say how great your shit is.

And--and--and good luck
on The Tonight Show.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.

I should get back to work.

- Ah...
- [soft laugh]

♪♪♪

I shouldn't--I'm sorry, I wasn't...

trying to... [exhales]

You could fuck her.

[laughs]

Yeah, I-I don't--I don't
really get those hot chicks.

I get the--the chicks who look more like

when the Three Stooges
dress up as--as women.

You know? [laughs]

- [clears throat]
- That's a funny joke, man.

Thanks.

- Thanks.
- You're a comic, right?

Yeah. In theory.

[Nick] Then you're in.

Look, all funny guys are damaged.

And for some reason, women,
thank God, find that sexy.

And that is their damage.

♪♪♪

Right. Right on.

What's your name?

Ron. Ron Shack.

Ron Shack.

What time you going up, Ron Shack?

Uh, watch won't work. You'll
have to use a calendar.

I-I-I just do the open mic.

Oh, that's it, huh? Mondays?

Pretty much, yeah.

Just--it's not a lot of, you
know, not lot of options.

I remember when I was
first starting out,

it was pretty much here
and old folks' homes.

I think that's still the case.
[nervous chuckle]

Um, anyway, I'll--I'll--I'll
leave you alone.

But, uh, good luck with
everything, man, seriously--

Hey--hey--hey, hold on.

I got a place you can go up right now.

♪♪♪

[Peter] What do you do?

How else do you handle what's
going on in the world today?

War, riots, economy?

My mom's dead from smoking.

My dad's dead from trying
to pay for her to live.

Alcohol's the only family I had left.

Or at least it was still talking to me.

[scoffs]

I just wish I was with
people who understood

what I was talking about. [chuckling]

[clapping]

What the hell are we doing here?

Said you wanted an audience.

I'm not an alcoholic.

- Yeah, don't open with that.
- Op--what?

Hey, everyone, uh, this
is my friend, Ron.

His first time here so
he's a little bit nervous.

[scattered clapping] What
the hell are you doing?

Get up there, say your name,

you're an alcoholic,
and let 'em have it.

I don't really know you, but
I think I might hate you.

[pats back] Use that.

Hi, my name is Ron.

[all] Hi, Ron.

And I'm an alcoholic.

[clapping]

Oh. Nice.

You clap before I even start.
That's awesome.

[crowd laughter]

♪ pensive music ♪

♪♪♪

[crowd laughter continues]

[indistinct talking]

[laughter continues]

♪ tense music building ♪

♪♪♪

[Fitzy] I can't hear you!

[cheers and applause] All right.

That's what I like to hear.

[Fitzy] Okay, this next
comic, he's a writer

on The Sonny and Cher Show.
Huh? Not bad.

And-and, very talented,
a walking argument

against "black is beautiful."

- [laughter]
- Please, give him a big hand,

Ralph Carnegie, hey!

[cheers and applause]

Holy shit, man.

I still gotta go up.

To Ralph. [clears throat]

- To Ralph, come on.
- To Ralph.

Yeah, okay.

[Ralph] This might come
as a surprise to you,

but I was not a fan of
the Civil Rights Act.

We loved having our own bathroom.

[laughter]

Finally, we have a place
where we know for a fact

no white people would go ever.

[laughter]

The horrors that they must've
thought was going on in there

when all it really was was...

[humming]

[laughter]

[humming]

Now, we love that bathroom,

but why did the black drinking fountain

have to be so shitty?

[laughter]

Just have two identical
quality fountains.

One white, one black--

Tell 'em about the gook
that couldn't fly.

[crowd murmuring]

Ha, that's-- is that you, Melvin?

It's--it's my boy, Melvin, we
in town, we just having a few.

[Melvin] Tell 'em.

Ha-ha, I'm--I'm a--

Come on, Ralph. Tell 'em, man.

[Ralph] You know, I'm-- I'm
working up here, Melvin.

- [crowd groans]
- [Ralph] This is--

Then what the hell you
invite me here for, man?

I wanna hear some motherfucking jokes!

I'm telling jokes if you just
give me an opportunity, Melvin.

- I got a joke.
- [Ralph] I'm-I'm sure you do,

but this is my time, right now, Melvin.

Ralph and I served together in Vietnam.

[scattered yelling]

[Melvin] And we was in this Huey.

And we had lost half our patrol.

And we--we had these two, uh,

two--two gooks, these two gooks,
these Vietnamese soldiers...

Oh, oh, so sorry.

[Melvin] Uh, prisoners...

...slope motherfuckers, and...

...and they was just sitting there.

And one of them just
pulls out a cigarette.

And lights it.

That's enough, Melvin.

Now, now, ten minutes earlier,
this motherfucker put a bullet

in our Master Sergeant's head, but...

...but now, he just sitting
there, just--just puffing away.

Okay, Bill.

[Melvin] [chuckles] Now, Ralph...

Bill! Get this motherfucker!

That didn't sit too well
for--with--with Ralph.

- Come on, man.
- Get off me!

[Ralph] Edgar!

[soft murmuring]

[Ralph] Fuck is everybody... Now, Ralph,

he... [laughs]

[laughing]

...he grabbed that motherfucker

and he showed him how the door worked,

at 1,000 feet!

[Melvin] [chuckling]
Can you imagine that?

Can any of you motherfuckers

imagine that shit?

And you remember what you said, Ralph?

[heavy breathing]

You said,

"Those gook motherfuckers can fight.

But they sure as shit can't fly!"

[laughing]

You remember that, Ralph?

'Cause I remember that shit!

I sure do.

Come on, where are you, Ralph?

- Do you know what you...
- Where are you?

...just fucking did in there?

My life's the truth, man. I
live the truth every day.

You just hiding in
plain sight out there.

The--you think you the only
motherfucker with truth?

That's my truth!

You were there.

And now I'm here!

I ain't there no more! You hear me?

I ain't there no more.

Why aren't you?

Why am I the only one?

There's no man left behind, right?

[exhales]

[sniffs]

[laughter]

♪ Jon Brion's "Punch-Drunk Melody" ♪

Yeah, I mean--I mean it's no
wonder I became an alcoholic.

I mean, when I breast-fed, my mother

was so hammered,

her milk was 12 percent
alcohol by volume.

[laughter]

When my old man would run out of beer,

he'd just push me out of
the way and start sucking.

[laughter]

That's a habit that kept up
after the milk dried up too.

[laughter]

Gosh, I gotta say, this has been

so eye-opening being here
tonight with my fellow alchies.

I just feel really
close to all you guys.

You know, wouldn't it be
great if we could all just

fall off the wagon together,
for one night, go get a beer?

[laughter]

Guess that was a joke.

Anyway, that's my time.
You guys have been great.

- Thank you.
- [applause]

♪♪♪

You really think he threw
that guy from the helicopter?

No. Ralph's a fucking teddy bear.

His friend's fucked up.

Lot of those guys have chips.

War crime's a hell of a
punch line though, huh?

Mm. It's Ralph's business.

We should probably shut
the fuck up about it.

Ralph would never throw
somebody out of a helicopter

unless, you know, there were,
like, snacks involved.

♪♪♪

[both snicker]

Hey, hey where's the
pride of Wink tonight?

She had a day job.

Then she said she was
gonna go home and relax.

Mm.

She actually is doing a
open mic in Woodland Hills.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Eddie started a open
mic in a Polish deli.

People have been going up there,

and I guess he suckered Cassie in.

♪♪♪

Let's go. You're up.

Fluff-and-fold is closed.
Clean your own jizz sheets.

Now.

♪ funk music ♪

[Sam] Come on, baby! Do your job!

[Sam] Come on!

I'm not leaving till I come!

This member needs to be escorted out.

Escorted? You don't escort no

200-pound angry-ass drunk out.
Where's your bouncer?

We don't have bouncers. We're
an exclusive modeling...

- ...agency.
- Agency?

Jesus, Sonja, we passed three
blowjobs on the way here.

Okay, the jig is up.

Just get him out.

I said I'm not leaving till I come!

Given the... nature of your business,

it's not too much to ask.

Fine.

Have at it.

Fuck.

Look.

I know you come here
to have a good time,

but right now you got enough
scotch in your system

to where you won't even
remember shit, all right?

You have any fucking idea who I am?

Yeah. You're Sam Doak.

Big time agent in CMA.

And I'm Adam Proteau,
a struggling comic.

We--we met after one of
my sets at Goldie's.

So you know who I...

Yeah. Yeah, I know who you are.

And now everybody else here does too.

Look, you come here to not be seen

so won't make too much
sense to make one.

You dig?

[song continues over stereo, muffled]

Will you give me my trousers, please?

Yeah.

♪♪♪

All right, ladies, back to your...

modeling.

[Eddie] I'm seeing a lot of
young faces here tonight.

Uh, personally, I-I
can't wait to get old.

I-I been that way since
I was little too.

Most kids, you know, they
can't wait to turn 18

so they can drink or drive or...
have sex.

[scattered laughter]

Not me. No, I wanted to be 80.

You know, I wanted nothing more
than to sit on my front porch...

- ...fly undone...
- [front door bell dings]

...admiring a box of balls
that kids hit into my yard

that I wasn't planning on giving back.

- [chuckling]
- You know?

[Eddie] So, uh, anyway, 80 is--

Hey, can somebody tell us
what the specials are?

If you just wait a sec, your
waitress will help you.

You're a waitress here, aren't you?

You're sure as fuck not a comedian.

Hey, Bill, don't do this.

[loudly] Do what?

Do everyone a favor by interrupting

so they don't have to
endure whatever the fuck

this is supposed to be?

That was a good one.

I'm sorry, folks. This is Bill Hobbs.

You might know him from...

actually, why would they know you, Bill?

Stick to the specials. It's
better than your material.

[Edgar, softly] That was like a B-minus.

Hey, can I go up?

Yeah.

[Cassie] Eddie Zeidel,
ladies and gentlemen.

You know, there was a couple
in here the other day.

They'd been together for 53 years.

Which, uh, is pretty sweet.

Maybe. In their case.

But for most of us,

our relationships, I think, are less

lifelong commitments and more

laziness and bad habit.

The telephone of a better life

is just ringing off the hook,

and we're too lazy to get
up and pick up the phone.

Ring!

Hello?

Oh, what,

guy that, uh, wants to actually
take me out on a date?

Like outside-of-the-house date?

Well, I'm gonna have to
get back to you, 'cause

I'm really busy right now
sitting on my comfortable couch

with my lukewarm boyfriend
watching cartoons

in between rounds of ambivalent sex.

Ring!

Hey, guy that thinks I'm hilarious

and isn't threatened by my success.

I would, uh, love to go out with you,

but then I'd have to really
take a good hard look at myself

and why I keep dating people
that make me feel like shit.

Bye.

Ring!

Who could this be?

Hello?

♪ soft pensive music ♪

What?

Guy who hears me?

Who really hears me?

♪♪♪

Well, I'm just gonna
have to take this call.

Um, can you just hold on for one second?

There's just something that I...

...gotta take care of
before we continue.

♪♪♪

Bill, it's over.

Go home.

[metal chair scrapes]

[door chimes ring]

♪ solemn piano music ♪

Well, I think I just invented
open drama mic night.

Hm.

Yeah, well, if anybody had it coming...

There's got to be a reason I keep

sticking my chin out there.

♪♪♪

Clay wasn't like that, right?

He was a habit too.

A lovely habit,

but still a habit.

♪♪♪

Mm.

♪♪♪

[Bill] We should go on a road trip, man.

Just get in the car and... [exhales]

[Edgar] Where? Where we gonna go?

Oh, someplace where nobody
knows who the fuck I am.

[laughs]

Fuck.

We don't have to leave
Los Angeles to do that.

We can just park across the street.

[chuckles] Fuck.

Jesus.

I'm getting my ass kicked, Edgar.

I should be used to it by now, but...

[exhales]

You know, man,

you're--you're--you're close.

You're really close.

You just...

[sighs]

You just gotta stop fucking up.

All right?

I had this...

...math teacher.

He said that nothing
ever really touches.

That, like, you could take an object

and cut it infinite times.

It gets closer and closer,

but it never touches.

Maybe that's me.

No matter how close I get to anything,

I'm never gonna touch it.

[laughs]

I told you this is good shit.

- Yeah...
- I gotta take a piss.

Can I just go inside?

Me too.

Hey, man,

maybe you don't have to go inside.

[Edgar laughing]

[Bill] I'm no mathematician,

but I'm pretty sure my piss
is touching Sparky's grave.

[both laugh]

And I don't wanna be a buzzkill,

but of all the graves I've pissed on,

this has got to be the least satisfying.

- [laughs]
- What the fuck are you doing?

[pants zipping]

[grunts]

[Bill] Dad.

Dad, please.

Get the fuck away from me!

[breathing heavily]

[Susan] Dad.

Dad, what are you doing?

You hate me this much?

[Bill] I don't hate you.

Dad, come on.

You're a sad fucking excuse for a son.

Get your stuff.

We're going.

[door opens]

[door slams shut]

♪ light pensive guitar music ♪

Are you mad I skipped the
deli for an AA meeting?

Nah. Just wasn't for you.

Hey, listen, I think
what you're doing...

...it's pretty cool.

Thanks.

And I think what you're
doing is fucking nuts.

[chuckles]

Or is it?

Ooh. Mm.

♪♪♪

So... how's this Nick guy?

I like him.

But...

I don't know.

He doesn't really look at you.

More like he looks through you.

You know what I mean?

Of course.

I'm a waiter.

People look through me every day.

[chuckles]

As long as we both end up
in the same place, right?

You know it, pal.

And as long as that place
is not a Polish deli.

Blow me.

Gonna be tricky from that angle.

♪ solemn music ♪

You, uh, you sure we good, brother?

Fuck yeah. Supposed
to be a little crazy.

[chuckles softly]

♪♪♪

You gonna be all right.

You know that, right?

Yes, sir,

Sergeant, sir.

[telephone rings]

Goldie.

So I had an interesting
conversation with CBS today.

Tell me.

[Eli] "Girls Are Funny
Too." They're interested.

Freddie wants to hear the formal pitch

from you.

Hello?

Oh, I'm here, I'm just waiting
for the other shoe to drop.

[Eli] Oh, you're the other shoe, babe.

Turns out I'm not the only one

who wants to get in bed with you.

What about producer?

[Eli] What about executive producer?

Son of a bitch.

[Eli] [chuckles]

Break a leg.

However many it takes.

[Eli] Buh-bye now.

[exhales]

[crowd laughter]

[Cher] That's because I
have to keep lying to you

and telling you you're
talented and good-looking.

[Sonny] All right, all right, I get it.

- [Cher] Not anymore you aren't.
- [crowd laughter]

- Funny joke, Ralph.
- Thanks, man.

[Sonny and Cher continue in distance]

♪♪♪

♪ Big Star's "Ballad of El Goodo" ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Years ago my heart was set to live ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And I've been trying hard again... ♪

[knocking on door]

[woman] Mr. Beverly?

It's time.

♪♪♪

[knocking]

Mr. Beverly?

We're coming back from
commercial in five.

Mr. Beverly?

[rapid knocking]

Mr. Beverly?

♪ And there ain't no one ♪

♪ Going to turn me 'round ♪

♪ Ain't no one going to turn me 'round ♪

♪♪♪

♪ There's people around ♪

♪ Who tell you that they know ♪