I'm Dying Up Here (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - Sugar and Spice - full transcript

[Goldie] Previously on
I'm Dying Up Here...

My parents died in a car
crash when I was ten.

You were so brave and honest up there.

Too bad you couldn't have wedged
"funny" in there somewhere.

It's a work in progress.

Hey, I thought what you
did took a lot of balls.

Hey, why don't you save your two
cents for your waitress' tip?

- What did Goldie say?
- She says you're not ready.

How about a shine, my brother?

Are we talking about
your shoes or your dick?

[laughter]



- I'm being serious, Carl.
- My hands are tied.

You are, like, the worst
fucking manager ever.

You know that, right?

You have five seconds to bust my balls

or I'm gonna kick the fuck out
of each and every one of you.

Bill, I'm really sorry... that
you can't return that suit.

Got to love the comedian,
but to be honest,

I was kind of hoping for the girlfriend.

Goldie, why am I here?

I guess it's because you know
when to shut the fuck up.

♪ jazz music ♪

[Edgar] Are you having
a good time, ma'am?

Really? All right.

Tell your face.



[laughter]

[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

[wild laughter]

[Adam] I used to do a
lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad
was in the business...

of breaking shit.

[laughter continues]

[Cassie] Well, what are
you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.

[laughter]

[Edgar] All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

[laughter and applause]

[distant laughter]

[applause]

_

_

_

_

_

[laughter]

What did I tell you? This?

♪ I flew to the corner ♪

Who do you like Saturday?

Riggs? King?

"Battle of the Sexes"?

[scoffs]

Can't say I give a shit.

Thanks, Goldie.

[Eddie] So when I turned 19

and still hadn't had sex,

my friends were like, "Hey,
Eddie, come on, man.

For only $15, you can
be worldly like us."

[laughter]

So, after the constant
hounding and peer pressure,

I gave in.

I said that I'd see a prostitute,

but she had to be Jewish.

[laughter]

Now, there are certain things
we Jews don't really excel in.

Professional sports, farming,

and prostitution.

'Cause Jewish women who
have sex for money

were very hard to find
because they all retire

immediately after marriage.

[laughing]

My father said that
when he saw my mother,

he went up to her brother and
asked if his sister was free.

And he said, "No.

But she's reasonable."

[laughter]

All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a slightly
above-average crowd.

Good night.

[whistling]

Whoo!

[Edgar] Keep it going for Eddie Zeidel!

Good.

So funny.

Yeah, Goldie thinks
he's the next Carlin.

I can see that.

Mm-hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

- Sweetheart.
- Sid.

Can't stop counting your money
for a sec to say hello?

What do you want, Sid?

Hey, ever notice how open Mic
gives the place a certain tang?

Different kind of sweat, I guess.

I need a favor.

I need your stage Friday night.

Fifteen minutes. That's it.

You heard from Mandy?

Huh?

Oh. Yeah, once.

She, uh, wanted to borrow 100 bucks.

And?

[sighs] Picked a bad time.

- [scoffs]
- You?

A few calls. Someone's there,

and then they hang up.

It could be her.

She'll find her way. Hell, we did.

Little late for a comeback, isn't it?

Jack Paar was a long time ago.

I just need a place to get seen.

My manager thinks he can get me Merv.

What about King Theodore's
or the Troubadour?

Why would I go to those
second-rate haunts

when you got the hottest
joint on the strip?

That's all hacks and rock 'n' roll.

This is where the comedy's happening.

Look at this fuckin' place,
on a Monday night, no less.

Snapped my fingers. It
just fuckin' happened.

You know, a simple "go fuck
yourself, Sid" would suffice.

For you.

You've come a long way, baby.

Hey.

You remember that, uh...

those shoes with the flapping heels?

Gave you 20 bucks to buy a new pair?

The ones you liked, remember?

- Espa...
- Espadrilles.

Mm-hmm.

Lot of money in those days.

[laughter]

They were 17 bucks.

Extra 3 bucks went to lunch and nylons.

Let me think about it.

Be nice to go to bed and not
stare at the ceiling at night,

you know?

Just think fast, okay?

[comic] A time traveler
walked into a bar.

The bartender said,

"We don't serve time travelers here."

So, a time traveler walked into a bar.

You're funny.

Oh, thanks.

Toni Luddy.

Hi. Eddie Zeidel.

Ron Shack. Hi, did you catch my set?

Oh, no, sorry.

I just got here.

I think making people laugh is a gift.

Oh, you'd love my act, then.

I'm practically Santa Claus up there.

Like healing people.

I do this bit about how
old people are always

ordering fish in restaurants.

Or giving incredible blowjobs.

That's pretty much my whole act.

You've been... it was nice to meet...

- [laughs]
- I'm sorry.

I know that was beyond inappropriate.

If I'm being honest,

I feel like it would be counterintuitive

to agree with you right now.

[chuckling]

It's just comics aren't
always great with subtlety,

and I wanted the chance
to talk to you alone.

Right. Right.

Unless you'd rather talk to your friend.

Uh...

No, he's, uh...

I don't really like him that much.

That's some cold shit right there.

Fuck him.

[Cassie] It's like one minute

I'm on the schedule,

and then the next minute I'm off.

You wanted the main stage.
You got the main stage.

Not that you're doing a whole
hell of a lot with it.

Well, it would help if I could get up

before 1:30 in the morning.

I'm sorry. I know that's the drill,

but it's very hard to
know what's working

when there's only ten
people in the house.

Listen. I've been thinking
about doing a ladies night,

in the Cellar.

Just female comics.

Give 'em a place of their own.
Work out their stuff.

That sounds like two steps backwards.

Beats ten steps backwards
out into the parking lot.

Look, sweetie, how many
times do you think

I'm gonna watch you eat
it on my main stage?

It'll do you good.

You'd never do this to the guys.

Please. My bra was in ashes

while you were still waiting
for the tit fairy to show up,

so don't give me that women's lib spiel.

Honestly. I don't see what your beef is.

You get the time on the main stage

any new comic gets.

I want what every new guy comic gets,

which is a steady schedule
and the occasional weekend.

At least on Friday night, 2 a.m.,

there still is a good crowd.

I tell you what.

You do ladies night in the Cellar,

I'll give you Friday,
midnight, main stage.

Goldie, I don't want to be relegated

to a second-class night of comedy.

Because you belong with the guys.

Yes.

Because you're one of them now.

Yes.

Sweetie, just because
they fart in front of you

doesn't make you one of the boys.

You're just the chick they
don't want to fuck anymore.

♪ rock music ♪

♪ Uh! ♪

[woman on radio] Now just four days away

from the so-called

"Battle of the Sexes" tennis match,

wherein five-time Wimbledon
champion Billie Jean King

will play Bobby Riggs,

the 55-year-old self-professed
male chauvinist

and former U.S. junior champion.

But what's at stake here
is potentially the future

of the women's liberation movement.

But if Billie Jean King
can pull off the upset...

♪♪

[telephone ringing]

[sighs]

- Hello?
- [Teddy] Yeah. Don't hang up.

Twenty bucks say all your
calls start with that.

What do you want, Teddy?

[Teddy] I just want to
make sure that me and you

are on the same page about something.

I doubt that, but go ahead.

There is talk that the comics
are wanting to get paid.

I don't pay students.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

[Goldie] It's your free
fuckin' finger sandwiches

that probably put the
idea in their heads.

Finger sandwiches?

Oh, is that the inch?

I read once where an avalanche
was caused by a single belch.

Listen, before you slam
down the receiver...

um, your ex-husband was
by here yesterday.

He's looking for a place to go up.

Show some producer on
Merv he's still got it.

Yeah, so?

[Teddy] So I sent him your way.

I thought it was a little strange

he didn't come to you first,

but then I remembered I've met you.

[Teddy laughs]

Lighten up, Goldie.

Even fuckin' China
throws us the odd panda

every once in a while.

[slams receiver]

The male is king. The male is supreme.

I've said it over and over again.

I still feel that way.

Girls play a nice game
of tennis for girls.

But when they get out there
on a court with a man,

even a tired old man at 55,

they're gonna be in big trouble.

I'm gonna go out there and play
the Bobby Riggs style of game.

I know that I'm gonna play
as well as I can play.

Hey! I talked to my manager.

He's bringing the Merv
guy by on Friday night.

What time do you think I could go up?

- I said I'd think about it.
- What's there to think about?

You put me up. I do my 15.

Cue "I've Got a Lovely
Bunch of Coconuts."

I don't think Friday's gonna work out.

What do you mean? Hey,
can you just stop?

I'm sorry.

Christ.

It wasn't all bad, was it, Gold?

Oh, we'll always have the shoes, right?

Took two to tango.

- 10 o'clock Friday.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- And then you are gone.
- You'll never see me again.

You won't even have to
come to my funeral.

Oh, that's a shame.

Hate to miss out on all
that great parking.

[laughs] Best 20 bucks I ever spent.

[Toni moaning loudly]

[screaming and yelling]

[yells]

Jesus fucking Christ.

[moaning continues]

I mean, how loud can you be?

That's, like, feedback from her vagina.

It's like Godzilla got
his dick stuck in his...

fucking piece of shit!

Don't talk that way about your mom.

I can't believe Eddie's
with Toni the Tiger.

What's the surprise?
She's a chucklefucker.

She's a what? A chuckle...

Fucker. Groupies who only fuck comics?

Haven't you ever heard
of a chucklefucker?

Sorry, no, this whole "women
fucking comics" concept

is foreign to me.

[Arnie] Toni's notorious.

She's seen more comic dick than
the Hollywood free clinic.

Good one.

[Maggie] That she's a chucklefucker

is not the issue.

It's that she's insane.
That's the issue.

Chucklefuckers are a club staple.

Maggie's a chucklefucker.

- No, I'm not.
- Okay.

In Maggie's defense, I've seen your act.

She's a "slightly
amusing" fucker at best.

Oh, really?

Oh, I think I lost something.

It's... right there.

[moaning continues]

- Wait. No, no, no. Look.
- Okay. Come on.

You know who he looks like?

Let me guess. Somebody
not very flattering?

You look like if I shaved my nuts

and I left sideburns.

I stand charmingly corrected.

No, no, no. He look like
the illegitimate baby

of the Penguin and Howdy Doody.

[laughter]

You look like a frustrated
driver's ed teacher

who hits his wife when he drinks.

No.

My neighbor.

I didn't think you'd get it
if I just said neighbor.

- I think Sully looks dashing.
- Thank you.

Finally, the truth. There she is.

[Sully] Oh, my God. New waitress.

Show of hands. Who just
went from zero to wood?

[Ralph] She got that new waitress smell.

[Sully] Ooh, that body.
I think to be safe,

we should all have both of our hands up.

Uh, guys? There's a lady at the table.

You know, I don't think she can hear us.

[laughter]

At least Bill is being a gentleman.

Shut up, I'm masturbating.

[laughter]

[Ralph] Let's get her over.
Excuse me? Sweetheart?

[Sully] Drop something
so she bends over.

[laughter]

♪ light guitar music ♪

I was too loud, wasn't I?

It was like being in the
front row of a Who concert.

[both laughing]

I like loud. Loud is good.

Hmm.

Do I have a fever?

Huh.

No. A little sweaty, maybe.

Why? Do you feel hot?

[baby voice] Are you sure widdle Toni

doesn't have a widdle fever?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Maybe Eddie should take
Toni's tempweture.

[baby voice] But Eddie
doesn't have a fermometer

to take Toni's tempweture with.

Eddie take baby tempweture now?

Wow. Okay.

Open your mouth and say "aah."

Baby way.

The what way?

Baby way.

[gurgling]

Uh...

What if we just assume
that Toni has a tempweture

and give Toni some baby aspwin instead?

[infantile crying]

Okay. Okay, baby. Okay, baby.

No, no. No, no, no, baby.

Okay, baby! Baby way!

Baby way. Okay.

Hold on, let me get it.

[squeals]

[babbling and gurgling]

Why would he want a human?

Does that make sense to you?

[sighs] What?

Like, he's a fucking creature.
Why would he want her?

That'd be like me swimming in a pond,

being like, "Hey, you know what?

I want to fuck fish now."

Seriously, shouldn't he be off, like,

screwing crocodiles or something?

- Where are you going?
- Home.

What just happened?

I'm throwing myself at you, and
you'd rather do five minutes

on an old horror movie than fuck me.

That's what just happened.

[Bill] Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry.

Some waitress walks by

in a uniform that doesn't show chin,

never mind cleavage, and
you're all off to the races,

but here I am with my tits hanging out,

and you treat me like I'm
fucking selling Amway.

Cass.

I fucked up. I was just
kidding around, okay?

Seriously, I'm sorry. Please stay.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

It's just we have a place to ourselves

with your dad and
sister in Santa Barbara

and I just

wanted to have a little fun.

You're right.

Why don't you sit and relax?
I'll get us a couple of beers.

We'll turn off the set, and
I can tell you all about

how my penis took gold in Munich.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

Okay.

[farts]

[man on radio] Okay, this is Ken A.
in the AM.

[Ron] The baby way?

Wait, what? The what way?

The baby way.

Like how babies have their
temperatures taken.

- The bum.
- Yes.

I'm having a hard time following this

yet am fully invested
in the conversation.

I'm not kidding. I think
she's fuckin' nuts.

What's the big deal?

So she likes to act
like a baby during sex.

Short of a full diaper, I'm game.

- Who does that?
- A chucklefucker.

What?

Okay, so apparently, out here in LA,

there are women who
exclusively fuck comics,

and you, my friend, have got the doozy.

A chucklefucker?

I know.

So, what now?

I mean, she's coming
over for dinner tonight.

Ugh. Dinner? Is that a good idea?

I mean, is she even eating solids yet?

It was the only way I
could get her to leave,

was to promise her dinner.

I guess I could just break
it off after, but...

She's so fuckin' hot.

[baby voice] Aww. Open up
wide for the big aeroplane.

- I won't.
- Come on.

- Stop.
- You got to get big and stwong.

Seriously, stop. Please.

- No. Please.
- Come on.

- Don't. Nope! Nope!
- Hey, hey.

[laughing]

I want to make up for last night.

Good luck with that.

You might be singing a different tune

when I tell you that I got
us into a party tonight

at the Riot House.

Led Zeppelin, Joe Walsh, and us.

It's gonna be fucking huge.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Do you forgive me?

Yes.

This is so much better than fucking you.

Anything's better than fucking me.

I know.

♪ upbeat music ♪

Fuckin' brat.

♪ Down around the corner ♪

♪ A half a mile from here ♪

♪ You see them old trains runnin' ♪

♪ And you watch 'em disappear ♪

♪ Without love ♪

♪♪

♪ Where would you be now ♪

♪ Without love ♪

I need to shorten the hem on this.

It's old.

Probably not even worth
the effort, really,

but it's for a party tonight.

I don't even know if it looks
good on me, to be honest.

What's your name?

Cassie.

Cassie, huh?

I'm gonna take this
dress up like you ask,

but we're gonna pinch the waist

just a little,

and you know what's gonna happen
when you walk into that party?

Every man is gonna have a heart attack

when he see such a pretty
girl in this dress.

Yeah, yeah. Come. Come.

[Pryor talking indistinctly]

[Pryor] I'm like, "Boy, you
better go wash that ass!"

- [laughing]
- Goddamn!

[Pryor] Don't be walking
around here with no dirty ass!

Ain't no fucking way.

Oh, shit.

[Pryor] Fucker, Willy
Green was his name.

I remember from Peoria.

Goddamn. He was...

Here's one of our up-and-comers.

- Come on, baby.
- Hey, how you doing?

Sorry to bother you, Mr... Mr. Pryor.

Adam Proteau. Nice to meet you.

Goddamn, boy.

You piss in your hand
before offering it?

No, no, no. I didn't...

I didn't... didn't piss my...

This nigga about to pop out his skin.

[laughing]

Hey, I caught your open mike.

Very funny.

- Thank you.
- Should I be worried?

You still got some time.

I'll see you later tonight.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks for the candy, mama.

You be careful with that sweet tooth.

So what you gonna do for six hours?

Visit a local hospital.

Give some inspirational
speeches to some sick kids,

but only the white ones,
because let's face it,

the black ones is fucked.

[laughing]

This nigga built to please.

[Barton] Well, be sure
that your good works

still get you back
here by 10:00 tonight.

- Watch out for this fool.
- Yeah.

You got someplace to be?

- Nope.
- Good.

Let's go get in some
motherfuckin' trouble.

[Enrico] Whoever he is,
he's not good enough.

You like?

Very much.

I feel so stupid.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

I'm sorry.

Really, it's beautiful.

[Enrico] Come.

[Enrico] Sit.

[operatic music plays on stereo]

♪♪

I know one thing and one thing only.

Beauty.

Yes?

You see?

I see.

[Enrico] I know.

[sniffing]

So what made you get into comedy?

You some GQ nigga interviewing me?

"So what made you get
into comedy, Richard?

All the respectable porter jobs taken?"

No, no, no. That's not what I...

I'm just fuckin' with you, man.

Oh.

You need to relax a little, nigga.

Goddamn.

Give me a taste.

Your act, man. Come on, let's hear it.

Like here?

Why not?

Okay. Okay. I'll tell this story

about my dad barbecuing
drunk, all right?

Now, everything that he made
was potentially dangerous.

All right, so.

"Dad, I don't think my chicken's done.

It's really raw in the middle."

"Boy, ain't nobody ever died
from eating raw chicken."

"Dad, people die all the time
from eating raw chicken."

"Well, I'm talking about at this table!

"Why you got to bring the whole
world into your argument?

"Why can't you just graciously lose

"and accept the fact that
can't nobody at this table

say they ever died from
eating my chicken."

"What about Aunt Lily, Dad?"

"Boy, read the damn coroner's report.

"It clearly states that
it was my potato salad

what killed the bitch, not my chicken."

Right on.

Your daddy ever hit you?

You said your daddy drank.

He ever knock you upside
your head after a few?

I mean, yeah, I guess.

"Yeah, I guess." How?

- Strap or the hands...
- Why isn't that in there?

See, that's the silver lining
to your daddy's strap.

Why are you dancing around it?
Own that motherfucker!

Nigga got to be like Ali.

[sniffing]

- You know Ali?
- Yeah, yeah...

"Float like a butterfly. Sting
like a motherfucking bee."

See, that's the game, Jack.

This ain't no Bob Hope motherfucker.

- You feel me?
- I Fe... I feel you.

They want that sting,
man, that knockout punch.

They don't want to see a nigga dance.

This ain't some Cotton Club bullshit.

This is motherfuckin' comedy, man.

You got to hit 'em.

Then you hit 'em a-motherfuckin'-gain.

Got to keep hitting until
the motherfucker goes down.

See, my daddy was a boxer,
so I got the moves, man!

- You see this shit right here?
- Yeah, I'm seeing it.

Damn motherfuckin'
straight you seeing it.

[Pryor] Two more, please.

Hey.

You see that old nigga
over there, holding court?

Everybody laughing?

Now, five will get you ten

he's talking about some
bad motherfuckin' shit

happened to him in his life.

He sure as shit ain't
talking about no grandkids

or some raise he got at work.

I mean, he's talking about some
shit almost got him killed, man.

You dig?

The one fell off a year ago.

[laughter]

Well, how can you tell?

Shit.

Nigga, how can you not?

I'm sorry about the other night.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Why... you don't need to be... that's...

[laughs] I totally freaked you out.

Okay, well, maybe the
extent of your preparedness

threw me a little.

What? You don't know other women

who carry around a baby
thermometer with them?

I did not see that one coming,
but then again, I'm new to LA.

[both laughing]

Your penis felt so good inside of me.

Thank you.

Watch your head.

Oh!

Is it cool if we play some music
while I fuck your brains out?

Yeah.

Oh! I love this album.

[sighs]

♪ Harry Nilsson's "Coconut" playing ♪

♪♪

♪ Brother bought a coconut,
he bought it for a dime ♪

♪ His sister had another one,
she paid it for a lime ♪

♪ She put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ She drank 'em both up ♪

♪ She put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ She drank 'em both up ♪

♪ She put the lime in the coconut ♪

[clanging and rattling]

♪ Doctor ♪

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪

- ♪ I said ♪
- ♪ Doctor ♪

♪ To relieve this bellyache ♪

- ♪ I said ♪
- ♪ Doctor ♪

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪

- ♪ I said ♪
- ♪ Doctor ♪

♪ To relieve this bellyache ♪

♪ Now, let me get this straight ♪

♪ You put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ You drank 'em both up ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ You drank 'em both up ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ You drank 'em both up ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ You drink 'em both together ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ Then you feel better ♪

[laughs nervously]

♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ Drink 'em both up ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪

♪ Call me in the morning ♪

All right. Put the lime in the coconut.

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪

- Okay.
- ♪ To relieve your bellyache ♪

♪ I said whoo-whoo! ♪

♪ To relieve your bellyache ♪

I said... [groans]

♪ To relieve your bellyache ♪

I said... [yells]

♪ To relieve your bellyache ♪

I said... [screams]

All right. Hey!

[screams]

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪

- ♪ I said ♪
- ♪ Doctor ♪

♪ Is there nothing I can take? ♪

[Toni screaming]

♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪

[screaming]

Fuck. Fuck, fuck!

♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪

Jesus Christ!

Fucking knock it off!

What the fuck?

♪ Put the lime in the
coconut, drink 'em both up ♪

- ♪ Put the lime in the ♪
- [Eddie] Look, I'm sorry.

Can't we just do regular fucking?

Why do I keep doing this?

You okay?

Oh, fuck. I didn't hurt you, did I?

I'm sorry.

What did you expect me to do?

You were fuckin' choking
me with your ankles.

I mean, can't you just... I
don't know, just be normal?

Normal? Like you?

Well, compared to you, yeah!

Standing on a stage telling
a room full of strangers

about all your fucked
up shit, that's normal?

At least I have the balls to be
who I am with the lights on.

All right. This is getting crazy, okay?

I'm really sorry if...

You get up on stage whenever possible,

and you beg for acceptance.

Well, here I am.

You got it.

So why can't I express myself, huh?

How about a little support
for my being who I am?

Yeah, well, you know, when an audience

walks into a club, there's
an understanding.

A pact.

If sticking your dick in my mouth

isn't a pact, then what is?

You know, I hate normal.

It's so small.

I can't get out of bed
for normal anymore.

Hey.

[door creaks open]

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

Up there, you're all so
open and vulnerable.

Is it always just bullshit?

It's not supposed to be.

It must be nice to find a place to roar.

Where everyone applauds instead
of making you feel like a freak.

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

♪♪

[sniffing]

♪ So many times I've been a wave ♪

♪ Charging on a boat ♪

♪ So many times I've sold my soul ♪

You having a good time?

It's crazy in here, but yes.

Thank you.

You want to meet an albino
that isn't Edgar Winter?

- Yes.
- He's nice.

He reminds me of a
rabbit I had as a kid.

Let me just go find the
ladies room first, okay?

Okay.

♪ You're so good for me ♪

[Tess] Over here...

Turn off the lights.

Oh, my God.

Who did this to you?

Nobody.

Everybody.

Hey. Fuck off.

- Jesus.
- What the fuck are you doing?

How much fucking acid did you take?

Hey, I'm trying to help you.

I don't want your help.

- I want to get fucked.
- What is your damage?

Are you some kind of a band slut?

[Tess] Not a slut. A sacrifice.

A slut for the greater good.

[laughs]

Did somebody make you do this?

They're vampires, you know?

They need this. Me.

I fill their veins until
who they are melts away

so that what they are shoots
out their fingertips,

and from between their fangs

a tiny drop of me in every fucking song.

You have no idea what
you're doing to yourself.

Yeah, I do.

Same as you. Just louder.

[rocker] Hey, great. I
can handle two at once.

I'm the drummer.

Then what are you
fuckin' here for, babe?

Bill. Bill.

- What's up?
- I'm leaving.

What? Why? You don't
go on until midnight.

You stay. I need to go.

What the fuck now?

Yeah, so that's why I stopped
wiping my ass, you know?

I don't mind the itch.

[laughter]

[door slams]

[Pryor] If you don't know,
you gonna find that out.

Oh, shit. There he is.

You ready?

A motherfucker was born ready.

Oh. Can I keep him?

Listen, why don't you go to the restroom

and wash yourself up?

- You're up in ten minutes.
- All right.

[Adam] Richard motherfuckin' Pryor.

You know both our dads used to beat us?

And we both punched out our
science teachers in high school?

What are the motherfucking odds?

- That shit cool, man.
- So you think you know him now.

Hells, yeah. We talked and everything.

Nigga was raised in a brothel and shit.

Hey. Don't say that word.

That's his word, and you ain't him.

And who is you?

All serious and shit

like some type of vulture or somethin'.

Want me to tell you who that man is?

That man is a meteor.

Been floatin' out in space,

and he's been headin'
this way for a long time,

and he's ready now.

He's entered Earth's atmosphere,

but what you're really seeing,
Adam, is pieces of a man,

splintering, breaking off,

leaving a trail that is so bright

that you can't help but stare at it

and want to shield your
eyes at the same time.

Okay, well, I ain't him, so who am I?

One man should never tell
another man who he is.

My manager, Carl, says I can
be the next Flip Wilson

if I'm smart and everything...
that'd be my hook.

Mm.

We already got a Flip Wilson.

Now, why would your manager

say he wants you to be the
next something you ain't?

Do you know why Richard
Pryor is one of a kind?

Because he's not up there telling jokes.

He's talking to ghosts.

And the audience? Just witnesses.

Just like me. Just like you.

Let me ask you a question.

Your manager. He black?

Nope. What, are you saying he should be?

I'm saying your manager should
get you gigs and that's it.

Shouldn't be trying to fit you
into somebody else's box.

Your ghosts, baby.

Your ghosts. That's all you got.

♪ light ethereal music ♪

♪♪

The feminist thing. How
important is that, Billie?

The women's movement is important to me,

as long as it stays practical,

and I think that the women's movement

is really making a better
life for more people,

other than just women,

and I feel very strongly about
it from that point of view.

- Hey, Cass.
- Hey.

[reporter] What kind of strategy
you might have going into this?

[Billie] Well, I've
thought long and hard...

You've got to be shitting me.

[knocks on door]

What took you so long?

Why me?

There's a formidable entrance.

Pryor's going up.

Somebody had to be bumped,
so why not you, huh?

There's plenty of guys going up.

Bump one of them.

It's just me and Boosler out there.

You got bumped because
you're the most bump-able.

It's got nothing to do with
whether you sit or stand.

You've got no idea what I'm
trying to do up there.

It's something I share
with your audience.

Well, the other comics do,

and they think it's pretty
damn groundbreaking.

Oh, you mean the guys? They get you?

They don't get you.

They couldn't, even if they tried.

Yeah, well, they sure as hell seem to.

When I was a kid, there was a carnival.

Guy had a horse,

and he'd say to the
horse, "Count to five,"

and the horse would dig
at the ground five times.

He'd say three. The horse
would dig three times.

Now, between us girls...

you really think that horse could count?

[Walter] So, about six months ago,

I was peer-pressured

into trying mushrooms for
the first time, all right?

Yeah, and while I was tripping,
all I could think was,

"Damn. White people keep all
the fun shit to themselves."

Can I get a beer?

Just one.

[Walter] I told one of my
homeboys I did 'shrooms.

He was like, "Yo, why would you do that?

That's white people shit."

I'm like, "Yeah, you know what else

is white people shit?

Not getting shot by the police."

[Walter] Ruling the world.

You've never seen one before?

[indistinct speech and laughter]

How's your love life, Eddie?

Enjoying your sloppy sixtieths?

Lighten up. I'm just fucking with you.

Yeah, no, I get it, Bill.
You're a funny guy.

Not Midnight Special funny, but amusing.

What the fuck did you just say?

Hey, hey, hey, look, look, look.

Before you kick the
shit out of my buddy...

Shut up, you fucking adult baby.

[Ron] Oh.

Oh, oh, we're giving out nicknames.

- Did you know that?
- Mm-mm.

I didn't know that, I'm
sorry, 'cause in that case,

a perfect one for you would
be ginger-faced cunt.

Oh, is that right, motherfucker?

Yeah. Start monogramming
your fucking towels, Bill.

GFC!

Just chill.

All right. Thank y'all so much.
That's my time.

Keep it going for your host, Ralph.

[Ralph] Get over here.

You're up after this next comic.

Thanks, Gold. I so appreciate this.

[Ralph] All right, we got a
special guest for y'all.

I mean, a real treat.

You have seen this motherfucker
just about everywhere.

The man needs no introduction.

Give it up for Mr. Richard Pryor!

[cheers and applause]

Pryor?

Pryor's going up?

Do me a favor, Sid. Keep it tight.

[Pryor] Ralph Carnegie,
ladies and gentlemen.

They named a hall after Ralph's pants.

I don't know if y'all know this,

but Ralph is black.

Ralph, you black, right?

Is the Pope a virgin?

Is the Pope a virgin?

How I know? I ain't smelled his dick.

Damn.

[Pryor] I'm sure it smell real pretty.

A lot of pretty white folks in here.

Lot of ugly ones too. Goddamn.

I ain't seen so many white
folks in a long time.

I feel like I'm on auction.

Goldie, what you got me into here?

Hey. You're not going up?

Nope.

That fuckin' sucks.

Well, at least I'm getting
bumped for the best.

Hey, hate to tell you, Cass,

but you're not getting bumped for Pryor.

You're getting bumped
for that sweaty mess.

[laughs] It's fucking...

Got to put Ralph on auction too.

Except he's gonna cost twice as much

because he's twice as
big and half as black.

[cheers and applause]

[rushing air]

Well, that's my time.

[crowd awws]

What y'all "aww" ing for?

Can't be up here all night.
Nigga got shit to do.

What's the name of the
next dude coming up?

Sid Robbins.

Sid Robb...

Ladies and gentlemen,

this next comic is white.

Three niggas in a row, and
I guess Goldie thought

y'all needed a break from laughing.

[laughter]

I'm just playing.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sid Robbins.

[applause]

Richard Pryor, ladies and gentlemen!

[cheers and applause]

Keep it going!

So I was reading about
the Supreme Court.

Did you guys see this?

It seems they have established

a narrower definition of pornography.

Local rather than national standards

for what is obscene.

Now, guys, hasn't it always been local?

And when I say local,
I mean our bedrooms?

This doesn't change
anything for us, right?

"I don't care if they do it
in Florida and New Mexico

and Rhode Island.

You want that? You can move!"

My old lady is one piece of work.

Whenever I come home late,

she assumes it's because I
was with another woman.

I say, "Honey. Honey.

You're crazy. It's only you.

And the three women you caught me with."

[scattered laughter]

I got a buddy. He's a Mormon.

Six wives.

In their bible,

it says on the seventh day God rested

and drank plenty of fluids.

Six wives, ladies and gentlemen.

That means six mother-in-laws,
six anniversaries,

and six suicide notes.

No! Make that one suicide note.

"Dear Mary, Carol, Sue,
Linda, Paula, and Allison,

I am writing this suicide note

because I haven't been feeling
very well as of late,

and I don't think I can take it anymore!

I mean, the line to the bathroom alone!"

[scattered laughter]

♪ sparse, moody music ♪

♪♪

[no audible dialogue]

Thanks very much, guys.
You've been great.

[light applause]

Got to admit.

You got me good, babe.

You wanted your time. You got your time.

[Goldie grunts]

You think there's some kind
of poetry to all this?

♪ light guitar music ♪

[Schwartz] I admire the
civil rights movement.

I don't know how they did it.

Could you imagine Jews rioting?

Oh, all that fire. The heat.

Throw a couple German
Shepherds in there,

not exactly a thing we gravitate to.

[Adam] Hey. Hey, Carl.

Yeah. Yeah, it's me, Adam.

Look, you great and all, but we done.

Yeah. Yeah, like, done done.

No. No, you didn't do
anything wrong, I mean,

Carl, you're great, and I owe you a lot,

but we just done, you know?

No, I'm not drunk. I'm... I'm not drunk.

I'm just... I'm just me, man.

♪♪

Hi.

[applause on TV]

[tennis balls bouncing]

[tennis balls bouncing]

♪ Anything you can do I can do better ♪

♪ I can do anything better than you ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can, yes, I can! ♪

♪ Anything you can be I can be greater ♪

♪ Sooner or later, I'm
greater than you ♪

- ♪ No, you're not ♪
- ♪ Yes, I am ♪

- ♪ No, you're not ♪
- ♪ Yes, I am ♪

- ♪ No, you're not ♪
- ♪ Yes, I am, yes, I am! ♪

♪ I can shoot a partridge
with a single cartridge ♪

♪ I can get a sparrow
with a bow and arrow ♪

♪ I can live on bread and cheese ♪

- ♪ And only on that? ♪
- ♪ Yes ♪

♪ So can a rat ♪

♪ Any note you can
reach, I can go higher ♪

♪ I can sing anything higher than you ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

♪ Anything you can sing,
I can sing sweeter ♪

♪ I can sing anything sweeter than you ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪

♪ No, you can't, can't, can't ♪

♪ Yes, I can, can, can ♪