I'm Dying Up Here (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Cost of a Free Buffet - full transcript

[Edgar] Previously on
I'm Dying Up Here...

[Bill] Someone was there
from Midnight Special.

They cancelled.

[Warren] It's not your fault.

God's got it out for the
Hobbs, that's all I know.

Who do we talk to about stage time?

Richard Pryor's going on Thursday night.

I can, uh, bump him if it means that

I can get some pros on stage.

I was on that list every
week, and now look at me.

I got the main room whenever I want it,



as long as it's ten
minutes before closing.

[Goldie] Let me help you, hmm?

Find a voice that women can relate to.

There is room for me too,

I just need your stage to prove it.

When you're ready.

You killed it at The Store last night.

You know, I-I wanted to be here.

But it's just one fucking night, right?

Caught my ex getting a
blow job in our office.

That was one fucking night too.

Shouldn't there be some
sort of pecking order

based off time put in at the club?

Oh, there's a pecking order.



It goes: me, you.

♪ jazz music ♪

♪♪

[Edgar] Are you having
a good time, ma'am?

Really? All right.

Tell your face.

[laughter]

[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

[wild laughter]

[Adam] I used to do a
lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad
was in the business...

of breaking shit.

[laughter continues]

[Cassie] Well, what are
you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.

[laughter]

[Edgar] All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

♪ Leon Russell's "Tight Rope" plays ♪

♪♪

♪ I'm up on the tightwire ♪

♪ One side's ice and one is fire ♪

♪ It's a circus game with you and me ♪

♪♪

♪ I'm up on the tightrope ♪

♪ One side's hate and one is hope ♪

♪ But the top hat on my
head is all you see ♪

♪♪

[cheers and whistles]

[Teddy] ♪ They're gonna
put me in the movies ♪

♪ They're gonna make a
big star out of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Make a film about a man
who's sad and lonely ♪

♪ And all I gotta do is... ♪

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Teddy.

The owner does time?

He does when there are
holes in the lineup.

Well, why's he singing?

He ran out of jokes.

♪ They're gonna put me in the movies ♪

♪ They're gonna make a
big star out of me ♪

♪ Make a film about a man
who's sad and lonely ♪

♪ And all I gotta do is act naturally ♪

- [laughs]
- [applause]

Hey, do you folks like impressions?

[crowd] Yeah.

Well, you're gonna be
impressed by this next guy.

Please welcome to the stage

Billy Quandt!

[cheers and applause]

♪ Leon Russell's "Tight Rope" plays ♪

♪ I'm up on the tightrope ♪

♪ One side's hate and one is hope ♪

♪ But the top hat on my
head is all you see ♪

♪♪

♪ And the wire seems to be
the only place for me ♪

[Teddy] You know what you guys are?

You're alchemists.

You create pleasure from pain.

And that is a virtuous gift, my friend.

So why the free grub?

Because at King Theodore's,

the comic is king.

All right, don't let
this crown fool you.

I just work here.

And sure, yeah-yeah, I
can carry a tune, but...

you're the rock stars, all right?

You keep the doors open.
I just hold the key.

Uh, what-what's, uh,
what's the buffet like

over at Goldie's?

You know, cocktail onions,

lemon twists, ice cubes.

Usual stuff.

That-that's a shame.

Please, help yourself.

Oh, try the-try the shrimp.

They're feathered in coconut.

[crowd laughter]

Do you ever notice how
the American dream

is to have your house
filled with Mexicans?

- [laughter]
- Think about it.

Your big house, your big car,

your big pool isn't complete

unless you have Mexicans running around,

scrubbing that shit nonstop.

Saying, "You like this, meester?
It's good, meester?"

Though think about this, also.

We clean the inside of the house.

We clean the outside of the house.

We build the fucking house.

We're the wet-backbone of this country.

That's why we're always
saying "Mi casa es su casa."

We're being ironic.

Now, think about it, the ultimate thing

is you want a Mexican to
take care of your kids.

That's the best.

You want a Mexican nanny?

You got a Mexican nanny?

You have one already?

Good one, old?

That's the best kind.

You want an old nanny, right?

They're not going anywhere.
They're not dating.

- [laughter]
- Right?

All they're doing is
concentrating on your child.

Right now, there's an
eight-year-old boy in Tijuana.

Grandmother's reading him a book.

Mom is making him a quesadilla.

His father is trimming hedges outside.

He's living the American dream

and he doesn't even know it.

The pool at the Pines was
shaped like a crescent.

I would bet my left ear on that.

The pool at the Pines

was a fucking oval.

I spent eight summers there.

Ugh, you're betting your ear
'cause you don't need it

because you don't listen.

[laughing]

All right, Judy, I'm listening.

Paint me a picture.

Lights up. Catskills, 1956.

- Aye?
- Okay. All right.

Uh, I'm seeing you and you... [laughs]

you're sitting on Sid's lap,

eight months pregnant with Mandy,

dressed as an apricot hamantaschen

because it was one of
those fucking nights,

you know, with the costumes

and-and the-and the singing

and we were all dressed as foods.

I'm knocked up with
Jake but don't know it.

Yeah.

And the fucking pool was oval.

[chuckling]

You slept today?

Mmm.

I'm fine.

I like to, uh, spread my
eight hours beauty sleep

over at least a week.

I did a 3 a.m. at the Flamingo.

And, you know, got in the
car, drove four hours here.

Whatever.

[inhales] That's my thing now.

[exhales] I'm on Vegas Standard Time.

[scoffs]

My sun rises at 1 a.m.

Wake up, I go to work at three,

do 45 minutes, walk up the Strip

to Sammy's club, I do another set.

Then it's breakfast
with the working girls.

[soft chuckle]

I tell them how I killed.

They tell me how they almost got killed.

[laughing]

- Showbiz.
- [groans]

Nothing like LA though, huh?

[R&B music plays on stereo]

Laughs only matter on the coast.

♪♪

Plus...

I miss seeing you.

♪♪

How is Jakey?

You know, driven.

Got a head of lettuce.

- Oh.
- [chuckles]

- How's Mandy?
- Ugh. Oy.

She'll turn the corner.

- Nah.
- They all do.

- Nah.
- [knock at door]

Come in.

Hey. Real quick?

Um, I was looking over tonight's lineup.

And I know-I know I was
on there yesterday,

but for some reason I'm
not-not on there now.

Oh, Edgar, I...

You know what? I'm
gonna go grab my seat.

[Goldie] I'll be out in a minute.

Cheers.

I'm really sorry your name
fell off the list, Edgar.

That happens sometimes.

But now maybe you can get some more time

at the fucking cafeteria

Teddy sells as a comedy club.

That's what this is about?

No, actually, I was thinking about

knitting you a sweater,

but I wanted to discuss it with you

before committing to the color.

What the fuck do you think it's about?

Have I ever been unclear about this?

It was fifteen minutes and appetizers.

Don't act surprised or-or stupid.

I-I can't really tell which
one you're going for.

You want to go to Teddy's? Go.

I am not stopping you.

Goldie, come on, the guy
had fucking shrimp.

Eh, I understand.

Shrimp is very tasty.

You wouldn't be pulling
this shit if it was Carlin.

Carlin didn't flop in my office

while his teeth came in for a month.

Carlin didn't shower in my fucking sink.

Well, Carlin didn't paint
your fucking comedy club

for free either.

[door opens, slams shut]

And that's why you'll never
see my name in the Bible.

Not even in the sexy parts.

[laughter]

My parents died in a car
crash when I was ten.

[spits] Christ, with this shit again?

- Shh.
- [Cassie] They hit a tree.

What?

I think that segue hit a tree.

[Cassie] Their obit
read that their car was

wrapped around a tree, which I liked

'cause I thought it gave their death

a kind of Christmas-y feeling.

[scattered laughter]

The funny thing about death

is it's the one thing
we all have in common

and no one knows how to talk about it.

Especially to kids.

People would say to me,
"They're not gone.

They'll always be with you."

Well, that's nice, except
no one ever thinks about

the fact that one day I'm gonna
grow up and want to get laid.

And it was worse for me because
I had a very critical mom.

The first time I had
sex, all I could hear

was my dead mom's voice.

"Really, Cassie?

Is that how you're gonna fuck this guy?"

- [person laughs]
- "Because...

if you're just gonna
lay there like that,

he's gonna think he's screwing me

right after the accident."

[scattered laughs]

- [glass clinking]
- [sighs]

♪ upbeat jazz music ♪

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Her mother passed in November.
Stage two lymphoma.

It gets easier.

Thank you for your... sympathy.

♪♪

Hey, Cass,

I love what you did up there.

- Edgy shit.
- Thanks.

[as dummy] What are you, deaf now?

Did you not just see that, Steve?

She sucked.

Wish I had my derringer.

I'd reunite her with her
mom and dad right now.

[normal voice] Hey, Sam, be nice.

He doesn't mean that. He
doesn't even have a gun.

Fuck off, Steve.

[as dummy] You get The Main Stage

and that's what you do with it?

Fuck the next three comics
going up after you?

It's a Mic, not a shovel.

Look at this crowd. They're
just like your parents.

No pulse.

♪♪

Dead loved ones.

Not the evergreen you thought it was.

It's a work in progress.

You know, I usually
forget you're Jewish.

And then you make me laugh.

[laughs] What, you want me to be

more like Judy Catskills over there?

Borscht bleeding out of my ears?

Shaking my tits for shekels?
No thank you.

Unlike you, when she drives away
after performing, she's not

followed by a procession of
cars with their headlights on.

Plant that seed between your ears.

[woman] I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I saw what you did

and you were so brave
and honest up there.

Thank you.

Too bad she couldn't have wedged
"funny" in there somewhere.

Right.

[crowd laughter]

[Edgar] Man, what did
she expect me to do?

Goldie's has more comedians
than she has spots.

Half the time you call
in, you can't even

get up until after 1 a.m.

Look, it's not not unfair.

That's the eleventh commandment:

you don't perform in other
comedy clubs inside LA.

I'd like to help you, but,
hey, rules are rules.

Yeah, you made your bed.

Teddy's, he's got spots
all over the place.

You-you could call in right now

and get up tomorrow night 9 p.m.
on the dot.

Plus the buffet, fuck.

What does that mean? "Buffet"?

If-if you're a comedian,
there's a free buffet.

Wait, like you can just eat?

Yeah.

It's delicious.

[comic performing indistinctly]

If we could do a spot at
Teddy's, say, twice a week...

Tops.

That would give us a safe
place to hone our stuff

so when we come here, we're
more polished, more rehearsed.

[Bill] And you would
always get first dibs.

Always. Obviously.

'Cause why would we be punished
for wanting to eat, you know?

Uh, I'm not directing that at you,

I just, uh, I'm-I'm just asking to ask.

Punish you?

Is that what's going on here?
You're being punished?

Did I say "punished"?

No one feels punished.

I-I feel-I feel punished.

All right.

Let's review the food pyramid, huh?

Up top, you got your
Pryors, your Prinzes,

and they can go wherever they want.

They've earned it.

Open Mic-ers I could give
two slim shits about.

It's comics like you, you, you...

to a lesser degree, you...

the raw talent I give my time to,

who I nurture,

whose shadows I've sewn to their bodies?

Those are the ungrateful bastards

I might take issue with if
they're putting in time

with my "competition."

This club is the only runway to Carson.

His guys come here, not Teddy's.

Mitch comes here.

You think I comp his drinks and his food

and his fucking bullshit

so he can watch you "being punished"

in front of a packed house?

Goldie, we're very grateful
Very, very grateful.

But more clubs equals more exposure

and the better our names
look on your marquee.

And that gets us closer
to some actual pay.

'Cause at some point, somewhere,

we need to get paid.

Don't think about money.

- Money, schmoney.
- I-I don't.

I just have a six-week-old
that's a greedy motherfucker.

Ah, that's why God invented the day job.

Even made his own son
build coffee tables

before handing over the reins.

Every college student across the USA

work their asses off until he graduates.

It's understood.

This is a school.

[laughs] What school pays its students?

[Bill] I feel like if
you wanted the answer,

you wouldn't have opened the door.

This is a school, Bill.

It's not like we here on the GI Bill.

How's that job with Sonny and Cher

working out for you,
Ralph, the one I set up?

- So...
- [sighs]

me and you, we're-we're good

now that we-we talked?

What do you think?

Why do you have to make
everything so fucking personal?

- Personal?
- It's business, Goldie.

That's all. It's just fucking business.

[clears throat]

[indistinct chatter]

Where are you headed?

Where are you headed?

Cassie's table to sit with Cassie.

Yeah, great, me too, 'cause we're peers,

we're professional peers and she
expects us to sit with her.

It would be rude not to sit with her.

I mean, her peripheral
vision's like a tractor beam.

- I agree. Après vous.
- Après vous.

Yo.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Good to see you.

- [clears throat]
- Ah.

We're the fucking kids'
table, aren't we?

Yep.

Hey, uh, before I forget,
I just wanted to...

- [long whistle]
- [imitates explosion]

Ah, surprised it took that long.

[laughter]

Ooh, that was the Hiroshima of bombing.

I mean, there's gonna
be audience members

three generations from now that
still won't be able to laugh.

The only difference between
your set and Pearl Harbor

is that it wasn't a Sunday morning.

Nice to know y'all had a
productive ride over.

Cassie, you don't do sad
shit at a comedy club.

It's the same reason they don't do

Razor Blade Night at a Cubs game.

[Bill] Yeah, people come
to Goldie's to laugh,

not to drop a rock into the
dark well of their soul

- then dissect the ripples.
- Oh, thank you, Sylvia Plath.

Well, somebody called me
brave, someone gave me a hug,

and somebody else had lymphoma.

- [laughs]
- Well, if laughing

behind your back counts,

you were a hit.

Well, the highlight of the night

was when Goldie pointed to Judy Elder

as the high-water mark for female funny.

- Mm!
- Thank you.

If you're laughing at Judy Elder,

you're either 72 years old

or watching her climb
a flight of stairs.

[Sully as Judy] Hello, I'm Judy Elder.

Would you like to hear
my five best jokes

that are somewhere in the
general vicinity of sex?

- No.
- Or how about 17 Jewish words

that sound vaguely obscene

if you lean into them
with all your weight?

[normal voice] Seriously, though,

I would like to be under
those dairy giants

while she removes her
bra and then I just die

in the impending avalanche.

Well, then I could write
a joke about your death,

put it in my act, and get
standing condolences

from the crowd.

Hey, I-I thought what you
did took a lot of balls.

And you're definitely on to
something, so keep it up.

Yeah, that was some...
pretty cool stuff.

[soft laugh] Thank you, guys.

[Bill] Hey, here's a thought.

Why don't you save your two
cents for your waitress' tip?

[Edgar] Oh, come on, Bill.

Tom Thumb and his gay
aunt have the floor.

Let 'em talk.

I'm sorry, who were you
in Grapes of Wrath again?

No, Grapes of Wrath was the
one about white people.

I think he was the one
boycotting the grapes.

Right, right.

I just knew grapes was
in there somewhere.

[laughs]

What's so funny, stable boy?

Pardon?

Aren't you Goldie's new stable boy?

I have so many questions for you.

Uh, most of them laced
with sexual innuendo.

All right, Edgar, don't be a dick.

I'm not being a dick.

I just want to know
what's so fucking funny.

Well, um, Edgar, if you

really want to know, I
was just thinking about

the time that I fucked your mom.

Wait, did I ever tell you about

the time that I fucked your mom?

Oh, I fucked your mom so
hard your grandmama came.

There I was, balls deep in
your mother's coffee stain,

and 4,000 miles away in
Guadalajara, your grandmother

just collapses in this bean field,

screaming my name and
coming so hard that

moths fly out of that
shriveled up, Grey taco.

Now, I don't know this for
sure, 'cause I'm still

back at your mom's,
fucking her from behind,

like the donkey she used to fuck

while tourists threw Chiclets at her.

Right now, I'm distracted
by her endless screams

of how she wants it in the ass,

even though she knew we ran out
of lube like six hours ago.

But I'm a problem solver.

So I just start to

milk those endlessly lactating tits

all over my ski pole,

thus providing the necessary lubricant

that she desires.

And I just drill your mom
so hard in the ass that

I knock out the one remaining
tooth left in her head,

making her come so hard that a shitload

of inedible hard candies just shoot out

of that piñata she calls a pussy,

all over the dirt floor
of her master bedroom.

[exhales]

And that, Edgar, is what
I found to be funny.

What?

Trying to decide whether or not I should

fuck him up

or buy a milkshake with two straws.

♪ Dr. John's "Right Place,
Wrong Time" plays ♪

'Cause he fucked the
shit out of your mama.

[laughter]

You guys ready to order?

You know what? You know what?

Order of fries for these
motherfuckers right here.

French fries all around.

♪ I been in the right place ♪

♪ But it must have been the wrong time ♪

♪ I'd of said the right thing ♪

♪ But I must have used
the wrong line... ♪

Hey.

Think, I, uh, left my
wallet in the kitchen.

♪ Head is in a bad place ♪

♪ And I wonder what it's good for ♪

♪ I been running trying to
get hung up in my mind ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Got to give myself a good
talking to this time ♪

♪ Just need a little
brain salad surgery ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I got to cure my insecurity ♪

- ♪ I been in a wrong
place ♪ - [baby fusses]

♪ But it must have been the right time ♪

- Daddy's home.
- [baby babbles]

Shh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- ♪ I been in the right vein ♪

Shh-shh-shh-shh.

[kisses]

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.

Why does the baby get burped
by candlelight and not me?

The electricity's been shut off.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

[exhales] After only two

- threatening letters?
- Maybe the third's

- in that pile over there.
- [baby fusses]

- Shh-shh-shh-shh.
- I've been meaning

to take a look at that.

I just want to poke it

with a stick a few more times.

I'm sorry, Betz. I'll
figure something out.

I think I can get my secretary job back.

He can sleep right by the desk.

- [baby cries]
- You want to come

to work with Mommy? Not really?

No, what, are we in a
Charles Dickens novel?

- [baby crying]
- Shh, shh.

How much do you think we need?

Shh, shh. Another $40 a week.

[softly] Fifty if you want meat.

Okay.

Think I can talk to Roger

and grab a few more
hours at the warehouse.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Hi.

You have the patience of
a saint, you know that?

[kiss]

[sighs]

- Sully.
- Yeah?

Take care of us, okay?

[man] If you got a hankering
to take care of that...

Why are shrimp so fucking delicious?

They-they are. End of story.

What was I thinking?

And... that's it.

Fucking blackballed for eating shrimp.

I am done.

Shrimp?

You're doing great, okay?

Just go back down.

[man] But weren't you
the one that told me

you're on the way to the
straight and narrow?

You're a real piece of work.
Do you know that?

[woman] All I've ever wanted
was for you to know...

[gentle music plays over radio]

♪♪

[as dummy] Hey, Maggie?

You're Mexican, right?

My mom's Asian.

But you're part cleaning lady
on your dad's side, right?

He's Filipino.

Filipino?

What the hell am I
supposed to do with that?

Thank God you're half-chink

or we'd have nothing to talk about.

Your act makes me uncomfortable.

He said it, not me.

That's why it's smart.

It's the puppet who's racist.

[door shuts]

[as dummy] So a Jew and a hick
walk into a convenience store...

You steal all that?

Man does not live on Rice-A-Roni alone.

[laughs] It's 90 degrees out.

Oh, we know.

I think the sausages are
ready to be served.

[Ron] Sorry to interrupt
your act, Steve.

Please don't start over.

Oh, it's okay, you can always
stop by later tonight,

catch it in The Cellar.

No. He serious?

Come on, Arnie, this
asshole gets The Cellar?

We've been here six weeks.
We've been up fucking twice!

He gets The Cellar. You
won't even guarantee us

open Mic spots? I mean, look,

no offense to Steve and his
regressive sock puppet,

but they fucking suck,
they really fucking suck.

[Eddie] Ron's right, man.
He fucking blows.

I mean, Hitler puppeting
an actual rabbi's corpse

would be more funny and less offensive.

Sorry, man, no disrespect.

Guys, it's not up to me who goes up.

Yes, it is, you control
the fucking set lists!

Fine! I think Steve's comedy

holds a mirror to our modern world.

- Pardon me, but I'm invested.
- Hmm.

Thank you, Arnold.

And unlike you shits,

I am two up-and-coming comic voices.

[as dummy] Hey, toots, you
ever date a guy that's

100% wood, 100% Al... [coughs]

- [Maggie laughs]
- Oh.

[coughing]

Fucking pulp.

[continues coughing]

- [dog barking]
- [Susan] Stop it.

You're gonna break it.

[Warren] Well, I can't
see the weather girl.

Sparky, that was me, silly goat.

[Susan] Maybe you should
go for a drive, Dad.

You know, Detroit built this city?

It's all about the car here.

Gas is too expensive.

[car horns honk in distance]

There's-there's no one
at the door, Sparky.

There's no one at the door.

[Warren] Ooh, I see legs. I see legs!

Dad, look out the window,
it's 72 and smoggy.

Relax already.

- [dog barks]
- [Warren pounding TV]

Hey, Bill, Bill, would you help him?

- [dog barking]
- [Warren pounding TV]

♪ moody piano music ♪

Can't believe she gave my
time to Fat fucking Tubs.

Fucking ridiculous.

♪♪

[Cassie chuckling]

[Ralph] It looked like-
looked like a little helmet.

- It's on safari.
- [laughs] A little turtle.

You recognize these?

You should.

They're your leftovers from last night.

♪♪

Such a waste.

Every one of these, a hole
drilled in my pocket.

Abandoning a baby I can understand,

but this, what you got here,

this-this is a fucking sin.

I'm done with the open bar.

You pay for what you drink

or half drink.

First two drinks, half price...
comic prices...

after that, you're on your own.

Any complaints? You know
where to send them.

This some sort of
punishment for last night?

Course not, Billy.

Just the price of doing business.

♪♪

There you go. There you go!

Hey, Rem, what do you think's harder?

Lifting that pallet of carburetors

or Lyle's rod while he watches?

- [chuckles]
- Jerk-off.

[knocks on door]

Mr. Spugozi.

Sullivan. Come in.

What are you reading there?

New York Times. What's it look like?

All the news that's tits to print.

[chuckles]

Uh, speaking of non-sequiturs,

um, any chance you could squeeze me in

a couple more hours a week?

I, uh, I could come in early.

You know, I believe you may be

the first employee to
walk through that door

asking for more work and not just

more money for the same work.

Hey, I'm overpaid as it is.

What do I do all day
except drink your coffee

and come up with new ways to
call Remi and Lyle homosexuals,

which for some reason makes them laugh?

You ever give sales a consideration?

Sales? I-I'm not sure why I would.

Sense of humor can be an
important tool in sales.

David O'Brien quit so
there's an opening.

That interest you?

Uhh,

could I still choose my hours?

Not hourly. Salaried.

You'd be a full-timer.

Be another 60 bucks a
week, plus commission.

Course there's some travel involved.

You'd have to cut your
locks and wear a tie.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

[chuckles] I got this
whole hand-to-mouth,

starving-artist thing going on.

Well, you'll think about it.

Got it. Yes. Okay.

Uh, thank you.

Thank you.

How's the new baby?

Uh, good. [clears throat]

When he's not crying, he's
sleeping and shitting, so.

[chuckles] Kids.

They're a real game changer.

♪ groovy R&B music ♪

♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪♪

That's some bullshit.

♪♪

[clears throat]

What?

Somebody crossed my
name off of open Mic.

[sniffs and clears throat]

Yeah, I did.

You're going up at The Cellar tonight.

♪♪

Ho-holy shit. Wait, tonight?

What, Goldie didn't tell you?

I figured she'd, uh,
whisper it in your ear

while you're up at her place,
dancing cheek to cheek.

Holy shit.

So what happened up at her
house between you two?

I helped her with some
handiwork and we ate lunch.

I bet you helped her with some handiwork

and then ate some lunch.

Wow.

Wow, that-that's the
joke that you choose?

Out of all the other jokes, you
chose that one and thought,

"This will show him."

Yeah.

"This'll do it."

What time is my set?

Eight thirty, right after
Steve the ventriloquist.

Who's that?

Relax. You'll like him.

[Matt over phone] Jeez, Sull,
you're already in the hole

to me for 200.

Trust me, I'd fucking give anything

if it were the other way around.

Mary wants Donnie to
go to private school.

Third grade, she's already
talking about colleges.

Well, we slept with the
baby in the car last night

'cause it was cooler
than this fat lady's

- ass crack of an apartment.
- [baby fusses]

It's always a dick-measuring contest.

Look, my birthday is next month.

You could think of it
as an early present.

Mary already bought you
personalized stationery

and a fountain pen.

[laughs] Are you serious?

[chuckling] Yeah. Oh, and sealing wax.

So we can write to each other.

What? [laughs] Who the fuck are we,

Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald?

- I know.
- Oh, man.

You tell her I'm looking forward to

that powdered wig at Christmas.

[chuckles]

How much you need?

Eighty?

How much you really need?

Sixty.

All right, I'll send it tomorrow.

But that's all I got.

I love you like a brother,

but the wife loves you
like a brother-in-law.

Well, hey, you can expect a very fancy,

personalized thank-you letter
in about a month and a half.

You ever call that contact I gave you?

I can't keep doing this.

Yeah, he-he built sets
for My Three Sons.

Not quite the world
beater you think he is.

So no prospects at all?

No. Nothing.

Does Sparky seem a little off to you?

He seems like a 15-year-old dog, Dad.

Let's say we go to Mann's
Chinese later, huh?

You can compare your hands
with Douglas Fairbanks Jr.'s.

No. It's morbid.

That whole sidewalk's like

a mass grave to the stars.

When are you guys headed
back to Michigan?

[Susan] Not until Dad is
more tan than his T-shirts.

[Warren] Are you thick, Susan?

That's his way of saying
he wants us to leave.

[Bill] This isn't exactly
a large apartment.

It's been two weeks.

Doesn't your husband miss his wife?

Don't you employees miss
your warm, cuddly demeanor?

You're a worse harp than
your mother, you know that?

Quit asking me about work!

Just stop.

That's the first time
I've asked you anything.

Jesus!

[Susan] Hey, uh,

Dad,

maybe now's the time to tell Bill

about your exciting new opportunity.

He's going into business
with Cousin Jack.

He's, uh, starting a textile company.

- Mainly shower curtains.
- You're leaving GM?

I'm not selling goddamn shower curtains.

What happened? Did he lose his job?

From what I heard, it all
sounded very mutual.

You were there for 30 years.

Thirty-one.

What?

I don't control OPEC.

I don't set the rates.

They are fixing oil prices!

- Who-who's...
- What do you mean, "Who?"

The A-rabs and the Japs, that's who.

The Japs want high fuel prices

so they can murder Detroit
with their gas-sipping Hondas

and their tin can Corollas.

Jesus, crack open a friggin'
paper once in a while.

It's a conspiracy.

I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't know.

Yeah, well,

Detroit'll bounce back.

They can't kill our
quality and innovation.

Fucking samurais.

It's easy to be sad in Michigan.

It's so Grey there.

You inviting us out was a godsend.

I just thought if Dad could

spend some time with the
sunshine and palm trees...

Can we please stop talking about me now?

Judy Elder's headlining tonight.

I can get us passes.

Oh, Dad, you like Judy Elder.

- You think she's funny.
- I do?

Yeah, you and Mom have one
of her, uh, party albums.

Right. Of course.

But she's no Dionne Warwick.

[rock music playing softly]

Hey, you, uh, Steve the ventriloquist?

What gave it away?

Ha, yeah, yeah.

What's up? I-I-I'm Adam Proteau.

I'm following you in The Cellar tonight.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Oh, it's nice to meet you, Adam.

Uh, and this is Sam. Uh, say hi, Sam.

[as dummy] Hello, Mr. Proteau.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

So where'd you two guys meet?

[normal voice] Pittsburgh, yeah.

Got him for my, uh, my 12th birthday.

Been together since.

- No shit?
- Yeah.

I got a cousin in Pittsburgh.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah.

So what's your, um, what's your gist?

[as dummy] You mean, what's my jive?

No, like, what-what's your act about?

Oh, yeah, it's, uh, mainly
observational humor

about, uh, cultural
differences, like, uh...

[as dummy] Did you see
Planet of the Apes?

Well, yeah, it's a-a good movie,

- actually.
- Hmm.

[as dummy] Did it make you homesick?

Excuse me?

Be honest.

Do you really still think your father

went out for a pack of cigarettes?

[normal voice] I'm sorry, hey.

I-I'm... he says some

outrageous shit sometimes.

But you said it. You the dummy.

Am I?

Is the author writing the character

or the character writing the author?

[as dummy] Be careful, Steve.

He looks mad.

And blacks are genetically
more prone to violence

than any other mammal.

I read that in a book about dogs.

Whoa.

See, now we're about to
have a fucking problem.

Okay, listen, it's gonna
be hard to defend you

if you, uh, you prove his point.

[as dummy] Careful, Steve.

He's got a gun.

I mean, statistically speaking!

Hey-hey-hey-hey!

Knock it the fuck off or
I'll bounce you out of here!

They always lunge for the dummy.

What the fuck are you thinking?

I'm not following that
cracker puppet motherfucker.

It's his act!

You seen All in the Family?

The doll is Archie Bunker.

No, that guy's just straight-up racist.

Obviously, you just don't
understand satire.

Racist shit passing for
comedy isn't satire.

That's... there's intent there.

Ooh, hey, Huey Newton,

you don't have to go up at all tonight.

I'd honestly understand if you didn't.

My grandparents are from Tuskegee.

I know why the caged bird sings.

Goldie here?

You know, you put up
some shelves for her.

You didn't save her from drowning.

I'm not pulling his act.

♪♪

You're welcome.

[engine sputtering]

So does it sound like it's telling me

to go fuck myself?

[chuckles] Your first problem is that

there's over 200,000 miles on it.

Believe it or not, I bought it new.

It's like a fourth kid,
only it eats twice as much.

[sighs] You have three kids?

In three different time zones.

I have a newborn.

Boy or girl?

Uh, don't know yet.

We haven't taken the diaper off.

Should use that.

Ah, three kids.

Three adults.

Goes by fast.

This is where you tell me, uh,
to cherish the moment, right?

'Cause so far it's been nothing

but screaming and shitting and puking.

You'll look back fondly when it's all

bitching, borrowing, and blaming.

But all three went to college,

so it sounds a little
more eloquent than that.

All right, you have a
flooded carburetor.

So we're gonna let
that sit for a second.

That's so impressive.

What does your husband do?

With him, it's less about
what and more about who.

But to his credit,

he always remembers their birthdays.

Every year he sends
each one of them a card

with five bucks inside and a photo

of the most recent alcoholic
waitress he's banging.

[chuckles]

Well, your kids must appreciate it.

All the sacrifices you made.

[chuckles] Come on.

What?

I've sung that lullaby.
It's a lot of malarky.

And you know it.

Kids grew up without a mother

so she could bask in the
adoration of strangers.

We don't suffer for our art.

We love it.

People that love us,

they're the ones that do the suffering.

[Arnie] He just doesn't get it.

Norman Lear's got three Emmys.

It's called social satire.

Welcome to my world!

You can't talk to those people

unless you got a fire hose in one hand

and a German Shepherd in the other.

- [scoffs]
- They don't get what I do.

I say what everybody thinks.

You know, it's society
that throws its voice

through me.

[indistinct chatter]

Jazz and syphilis experiments.

Should have picked our
own fucking cotton.

[chuckles and sighs]

I gotta pee.

I like your shoes.

[crowd laughter]

[Tubs] So my doctor tells me

I'm a heart attack waiting to happen.

So I says to him, I says, "Doc,

if I'm waiting as long
for the heart attack

as I was to get in here to see you,

I'm all right with that!"

[laughter]

Why is it that people
laugh at everything

that comes out of a fat comic's mouth?

Present company excluded.

That could be you up there,

but you sold your soul

for a pocket full of shrimp
and some finger sandwiches.

Fucking Indians got a
better deal on Manhattan.

[Tubs] 'Cause when I step
off the city bus every day,

it tips over and bursts into flames!

[laughter]

It's true. [laughs]

He's that fat.

[laughs]

Oh, come on, Edgar.

♪ lively jazz music ♪

♪♪

[Ron] I say we take the high road

and just beat the shit out of him.

[Adam] My uncle always
says you can beat the shit

out of somebody, but not the stupid.

Ahh. You know how most people say

- what goes around comes around?
- Mm-hmm.

[Eddie] Well, my mother used to say,

if that takes too long, just
step on his fucking glasses.

Your mama sound dangerous.

She is. She is.

[Judy] You know what? I wanted
to apologize to everyone.

I'm sorry about all those fire trucks

you saw on the way here.

I actually burned my bra last week

and it's still going.

[laughter]

I had a breast exam the other day.

They found the Lindbergh baby.

[laughter]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Told the doctor that I
wanted to breast-feed,

and, uh, he said, "Great!

I take lunch at one."

[laughter]

[Warren] Now, that's how to tell a joke.

[Judy] Boys just ain't hungry.
I'll tell you that much.

Is she really an acquaintance of yours?

- Judy?
- Yeah?

Uh-huh.

Do you think you could
introduce us after the show?

Your mother'd get a big kick out of it.

- Sure thing, Pop.
- [Judy] I actually think

the last man ever to look
me straight in the eyes...

Excuse me. Ladies room.

[Judy] I don't know if you noticed,

but I happen to be a 36 triple.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- [laughter]

You know, the titties
aren't even that big.

[Judy] You know, someone asked me...

- See that?
- Hmm?

If I ever turn into her,

do me a favor and kill me.

- [chuckles]
- No, I'm not kidding.

Shoot me between the eyes,

stuff me in a duffel bag,

and toss me in a reservoir.

Hey, Cassie,

just shut the fuck up.

[Judy] They were telling
me that their husbands

actually have names for their schlongs.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing, no matter what you call him,

he ain't coming.

[laughter]

Where the fuck is he?

Who?

My act! Sam! Who do you think?

Oh, I, uh, I think I saw him

in the janitor's closet
flirting with a mop handle.

- [snorts]
- Yeah, you know, I heard him

tell somebody that he really liked you.

He just kind of wanted to feel

- other men's hands up his ass.
- [spits]

Hey-hey-hey! No fucking around!

If one of you guys stole it,
just fucking come clean

or you'll own it later.

Which one of you took him?

Sam was a $60 dummy.

That's expensive dollcraft!

If I did it, I would want credit.

[snorts] Shit, not me.
That's too obvious.

Look, man, we don't have
your dummy, all right?

So other than "you're fucked"
there's not a lot more

we can add to this conversation.

- Did you say "dollcraft"?
- [laughter]

[Fitzy] Give it up for

The Cellar's second-favorite
ventriloquist,

Steve Gileski and his
little buddy, Sam Bowie.

- [applause]
- [Fitzy] Subtle, huh?

[cheers and applause]

- [Fitzy] Hey.
- Steve, you're up.

How am I up without my fucking act?

What am I gonna do? They called you up.

All right. Tell Fitzy to vamp.

- [Fitzy] Uh, excuse me.
- I'ma check the shitter again.

[Fitzy] Nice hair.

[laughter and sparse applause]

Hey, uh, can I borrow that for a bit?

You mind? Thank you so much.

Cheers.

[laughter]

♪ tense rock music ♪

Great. Dead air and no one onstage.

♪♪

Hey, everybody, I'm Steve Gileski

and I'm a racist prick.

[laughter]

- [cheers and applause]
- [Ron] Thank you.

Thank you. I just...

No, I'm Steve Gileski,
and I'm a racist prick.

[laughter and applause]

And I'm your host, Adam
Proteau, and welcome to

You Bet Your Life I'm a Racist Prick.

[laughter and applause]

All right, now, you both are
big-time racists, right?

- That's right, Adam.
- Oh, tremendous racist, Adam.

- You know it.
- Go whites.

You got that right.

[laughter]

Perfect.

All right, racist number one...

Yes.

A Jew, a Mexican, and a Negro

all walk into a bar.

- Wow.
- Quickly.

Who's the first one that
you refuse service to?

The Negro, Adam.

Well, why is that?

Uh, you know, no particular reason,

just he's-he's black,

I got a daughter, that kind of thing.

- [laughter, scattered gasps]
- [man] No, no.

Wow.

Hatred based purely upon
skin color and stereotypes

perpetuated by ignorance and fear?

Absolutely.

That's correct!

♪ upbeat soul music ♪

Contestant number one,
you get ten points!

- Hey!
- Whoa!

- [laughter]
- Very good.

Thank you, Adam.

Uh, I'd hug you right
now, but you're a threat

to my family and my way of life.

Sure, sure.

This is true.

All right, racist number two...

Uh, a kike, a coon, a
dago, and a spic, Adam.

That's correct!

[laughter and applause]

[Adam] Yeah, yeah.

Hold on, what was the question?

Who the fuck cares?

That was serious racist
shit right there.

Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

Ten points for contestant number two!

[cheers and applause]

Ten points!

[cheers and applause]

♪♪

[Eddie] Whoa, guys!

You were really hitting
the high notes out there.

Ha! It was like taking a hot
bath in a crowded room.

I said it went well. No one's
calling you Cleopatra.

You want a topper?

Ehh, nah, nah.

It'll make me too sleepy.

[slow R&B plays over stereo]

I don't like the hours you're keeping.

You're gonna drive your car off
of the road one of these days.

Your daughter needs you alive

when you walk her down the aisle.

[scoffs] Tell her fiancé that.

[chuckles]

♪♪

You, uh, do me a favor?

Yeah. What's up?

Take tomorrow night off, huh?

Go... be with the family.

I'll pay you as if you were here.

[scoffs]

Thanks, but... I'll be okay.

♪♪

I wish someone would write me a
check just for looking pretty.

♪♪

What?

♪♪

Is that what this is?

[exhales]

Look.

[stammers] This just isn't your crowd.

What?

They were laughing.

Uh, some of them.

Did... and each one of
them bought two drinks.

You built a brand that works in Vegas.

Be proud of that.

LA's a younger crowd.

These kids, they don't
get you like I get you.

Th-they want new. They want what's next.

[stammers and chuckles]

"They," huh?

Yeah.

♪♪

I used to push you in the pool.

Oh, you say that like
you taught me to swim.

♪♪

This is the place.

This is it.

Do you want me to die in Vegas?

Or Joliet?

Or on some riverboat
cemented to the dock?

I got no one else to
call, Goldie, only you.

It's here...

or I'm glue.

♪♪

I'm trying to do you a favor.

I'm trying to let you walk home
in your heels and your fur.

Before you embarrass yourself.

♪♪

Is it always just business
with you, Goldie?

[sighs]

♪ Need someone to love... ♪

I thought we were friends.

Ohh.

This is the friends part.

♪ Need someone to love ♪

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

The hell are you doing?

I'm paying the bill.

I'll see you and Susie out front.

I got it, Dad.

They charge you for drinks?
You're an employee.

You're on vacation.

Unemployed.

Isn't that what you mean?

I'm just paying for the drinks, Dad.

"Vacation."

What are you, some kind of
fucking smart Aleck now?

What, you don't think I hear your tone?

You think you're some big fucking deal.

Well, listen here, Billy.

I can buy and sell you ten times over,

so don't you fucking forget that.

Fine, do you want to pay? Pay.

No. No, you go ahead, big shot.

Why don't you buy the
whole joint a round?

You're welcome.

♪ somber music ♪

♪♪

Say what you just said.

♪♪

[crowd laughing]

♪♪

[engine sputtering]

♪♪

[exhales]

[groans]

♪♪

Anyone got cables?

Yeah, I got some.

[exhales] You're a prince.

♪ soft pensive rock music ♪

[sighs]

♪♪

Bum one of those?

Sure.

♪♪

So who raised you?

What?

If your parents died,
then who raised you?

My uncle.

♪♪

I liked your set the other night.

Well, I think you're in the minority.

What, are you waiting for a consensus?

No, I'm not.

Good.

You tell ten people a baby died,

they all cry.

You tell ten people a joke?

Four laugh, four don't,

and two don't get it.

Just the way it is.

Right now, I'd kill for those odds.

Ah, skinned knees.

It's all part of the game.

Come on, you're tough.

♪♪

A hundred years from now,

people are still gonna be
listening to Beethoven

and ooh'ing over Michelangelo,

reading Shakespeare.

But us?

Jokes and shoulders, that's what we are.

Yeah. Jokes for people to laugh at

and shoulders for...

comics down the road to stand on.

Fuck posterity.

♪♪

You gotta push that envelope.

You got to shove it down
their fucking throats.

That's how you make your mark.

♪♪

We're just a faint echo

in a joke told a hundred years from now.

Trust me, I am not whining.

♪♪

We get something better.

♪♪

We get the moment.

You know, we get the right fucking now.

♪♪

I liked your set too.

♪♪

Baloney.

Hey, did you find any?

[indistinct chatter]

Hold your fucking horses.

Unbelievable.

♪♪

Toyota-loving cunt.

- [Ralph] Little bits of it.
- [Bill] Oh, yeah! [laughs]

Oh, Bill, just so you know,

if you would like to pay the tab,

I promise not to get pissed at you.

What's the age cutoff for child abuse?

Is it 30?

Oh, shit, then it's just regular abuse.

Doesn't get anywhere near the sympathy.

Yeah, there's no adorable
spokesperson, is there?

When I was ten, my dad
beat me with a soup ladle

because I said that Eisenhower
walked like a lady.

In the middle of it, he
had an asthma attack

and my mom took over.

The really sad part is my mother
was a registered Democrat.

[Ralph chuckles]

You know, my father never hit me.

Really?

How did you guys celebrate Christmas?

Left when I was five.

That's terrible.

Do you remember what you did
to make him not love you?

You don't know how lucky you are, man.

Listen, I ain't mad.

The man did the best he could.

I think you mean the least he could.

Oh, like your son ain't gonna be

bitching about you when he's our age?

Yeah-yeah-yeah, that's why
I didn't order the fries.

I'm saving up for therapy.

That's smart. My dad loves fries.

Come on, Bill, there's
got to be something

you can point to that
your father did right.

Well... I guess he
didn't hit us on Sundays

'cause that's God's day, so.

Come on, Bill.

Uh.

All right, well, we were never hungry.

And, uh,

there was always a roof over our head.

There you go. See?

Best you can do, right?

Yeah.

And that's all your kid can hope for.

♪ soft piano music ♪

♪♪

[knocks]

Heard-heard you wanted to see me?

Come in. Shut the door.

♪♪

I'm very sorry to say,

but Edgar Martinez is through here.

Goldie...

But Manny Martinez

can play here any night of the week.

Well, who-who's Manny?

That's you.

You're gonna change your name.

What? But why?

What do you mean, why? It's funnier.

Say it.

Manny Martinez.

[softly scoffs] Seriously?

Manny Martinez.

Again.

M-Manny Martinez.

Again.

M...

Manny Martinez.

Again.

Manny Martinez.

Yeah, see how it rolls off the tongue?

Edgar and I didn't get along.

He was always looking over my
shoulder for something better.

But Manny?

His future looks bright.

Now, you're gonna go back to Teddy

and tell him that Manny Martinez,

formerly known as Edgar Martinez,

will no longer be playing there.

And when he asks you why
you changed your name,

you tell him you didn't.

I did.

You give your schedule to Arnie.

You can have any spot you want.

Thank you.

Oh, Manny?

Yeah?

Got a nice ring to it, huh?

♪ The Monkees' "Daydream
Believer" plays ♪

♪♪

♪ Oh I could hide ♪

♪ 'Neath the wings ♪

♪ Of the bluebird as she sings ♪

♪ The six o'clock alarm
would never ring ♪

♪♪

[clippers buzzing]

♪ But it rings ♪

♪ And I rise ♪

♪ Wipe the sleep out of my eyes ♪

♪ The shaving razor's cold ♪

♪ And it stings ♪

♪♪

♪ Cheer up, sleepy Jean ♪

♪ Oh what can it mean ♪

♪ To a daydream believer ♪

♪ And a homecoming queen ♪

♪ Cheer up, sleepy Jean ♪

♪ Oh what can it mean ♪