I'm Dying Up Here (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
[exhales]
[Johnny Carson laughs]
[Johnny Carson]
Well, but, we'll find out.
Uh, uh, I'm glad
you're in a good mood tonight.
Uh, my next guest
is a very funny comic,
making his first
Tonight Show appearance.
He's a former Bostonian.
Will you please give a warm
welcome to Clay Appuzzo?
[jazzy Tonight Show
theme music plays]
♪
♪ David Bowie's
"It Ain't Easy" ♪
♪
♪ When you climb
to the top of the mountain ♪
♪ Look out over the sea ♪
♪ Think about
the places perhaps ♪
♪ Where a young man could be ♪
♪ Then you jump back down
to the rooftops ♪
♪ Look out over the town ♪
♪ Think about
all of the strange things ♪
♪ Circulating round ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy
to get to Heaven ♪
♪ When you're going down ♪
♪
♪ Well all the people
have got their problems ♪
♪ That ain't nothing new ♪
♪ With the help
of the good Lord ♪
♪ We can all pull on through ♪
♪ We can all
pull on through ♪
♪ Get there in the end ♪
♪ Sometimes it'll take you
right up ♪
♪ And sometimes down again ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy
to get to Heaven ♪
♪ When you're going down ♪
[laughter]
[Bill]
Congratulations, ladies.
Congrats, by the way.
Big court win.
Abortion is legal.
- [scattered whoos and applause]
- Yes.
Clap for that.
Clap for that, guys.
- [clapping]
- That's a big win for us too.
- [laughter]
- That's fantastic, man.
How pissed are
back-alley abortionists?
There goes six months
of veterinary school
right down the drain.
[laughter]
My mom had six children.
I'm one of six.
And according to her,
we were all accidents.
Six accidental pregnancies.
We figured it out by now,
haven't we?
This whole penis-vagina
conundrum, right?
It's not the Manhattan Project.
Not a bunch of scientists
standing around a baby
in a room going, well, I-I don't
know how this got here.
I'm not quite sure
I understand.
Yes, Professor Einstein?
[as Einstein]
Um, yeah, I just... I have...
I just have a hunch,
if you will.
Maybe, perhaps, the babies
are coming from the fucking?
Do you think it's from
the fucking?
- [laughter]
- That's just my opinion.
♪ The Dramatics'
"Whatcha See Is Whatcha Get" ♪
[Bill continues set]
♪
Watch out.
I got my eye on you.
♪ But maybe ♪
♪ I'm for real ♪
- [balks]
- Yes.
[kisses]
Tastes like tens and twenties.
[laughs]
Hey, Rob.
Hey, Goldie.
So you killed it
at the Store last night.
You know, I-I wanted
to be here,
but, you know,
the only open spot
wasn't until after one.
Well, a lot of good comics
go up after one.
Oh, I agree.
I just, you know,
I have to be up
at work at seven.
Totally understand.
I just don't give a shit.
♪ Is what you get ♪
Uh, okay, Goldie, well, it's
just one fucking night, right?
Caught my ex getting a blow job
in our office.
Took a fountain pen
and stuck it through his hand.
That was one fucking night too.
♪ I said what you see ♪
Okay.
[audience laughter]
♪ Is what you get ♪
[Bill performing]
Goldie.
What the...
Rob, uh,
he made a mistake.
And although I find
the punishment harsh,
I do find it just.
Can I have his five minutes,
please?
♪ And you know some people ♪
[audience laughter]
What's up, Carl?
People sitting in my booth's
what's up.
Fuck.
Can I sit you somewhere else,
please, just for tonight?
You know who I'm bringing
here tonight?
- Charlie...
- [both] Callas.
Yeah, that's right,
smart guy.
You're gonna tell
an American treasure
he's gotta sit in the back?
All right.
Yeah, that's been my booth
since the joint opened.
Should fuckin' know better.
[Arnie]
Prick.
Hi.
How 'bout some free drinks?
Does that sound good?
♪ You know some people ♪
♪ Are made of lies ♪
♪
♪ To bring you down ♪
[audience laughter]
♪ And shame your name ♪
[sighs]
Where the fuck
are my onion rings?
They're not drinking
if they don't get their salt.
♪
Somebody call me
when Clay goes up.
[Bill] Drunk dentist with
a pair of fondue forks...
[audience laughter]
♪ All I want to do
is love you... ♪
[Cassie] Uh, what else?
Oh, I got myself a pet rock.
He's very sweet.
He was a rescue.
I rescued him off the street.
- He was a stray.
- [audience laughter]
Pet rocks are great.
He's very protective of me.
I was not expecting that.
It's funny.
Anytime my boyfriend
says something mean,
he just jumps out of my hand
and hurls himself at his head.
[audience laughter]
Try to get him to stop,
but he won't.
Show us your tits!
You first, sir.
[crowd reacts]
Ladies and gentlemen,
chivalry is not dead.
Hey, why don't you suck my dick?
Oh, what a sweet invitation.
I have not been asked out
on a date in a long time.
- [Cassie laughs]
- [audience laughter]
Oh, there's a bunch
of y'all, huh?
So what's the occasion?
It's my bachelor party.
- Whoo!
- Yeah.
Well, what are you doing
in here?
That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.
[audience laughter]
A man comes into my office.
He says,
can I use your Dictaphone?
I say, no,
you use your finger
like everybody else.
Come on, you bastards,
get off your high horses.
Hey, Goldie, sit.
Ah, that's a funny one.
Adam Proteau.
What do you think?
I think I got
more hair on my lip
than he does on his nuts.
Can you stick him
in The Cellar?
Fleischer and Stephenson
open mic'd for over a year.
Trust me, if they'd spent
a little more time and sweat
building the Titanic,
the word would still
just mean "big."
Hey, Kay,
another Rob Roy, neat
for my friend Carl, huh?
Hey, pal, nice shirt.
Who... who'd you blow, Don Ho,
for that shirt?
[Tonight Show music
playing on TV]
Yes.
- [crumbles cash]
- There you go.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
[music continues on TV]
[Carson laughs on TV]
Well,
we'll... we'll find out.
Uh, I'm glad you're in
a good mood tonight.
Uh, my next guest
is a very funny comic,
making his first
Tonight Show appearance.
Uh, he's a former Bostonian.
Will you please give a warm
welcome to Clay Appuzzo?
[applause and music on TV]
Thank you.
Everyone, I... look,
I just want to...
I want to be clear.
I'm not just a Bostonian.
I'm an Italian Bostonian.
We still talk with our hands,
but we only use one finger.
[laughter on TV]
So I grew up with
a lot of brothers and sisters.
Italians used to have
big families before television.
But now they only have kids
when there's nothing good on.
[laughter]
But that's what they do,
Italian parents.
They send mixed messages.
You mess up in school,
Dad gives you the belt.
But then two minutes later, Mom
comes in with a bowl of pasta.
[chuckling]
So, I mean, that's how
Italians love to do it.
They like to follow
their violence
with a little something
to eat, right?
- So...
- [laughter]
[Clay]
May I suggest the Alfredo...
- [Cassie laughs]
- [Clay] With your beating?
[Clay] The cream sauce
really soaks up the tears.
Hey, you do know
when Arnie flashes the light,
that means to get
the fuck off stage, right?
I get off the stage when
they stop fucking laughing.
Uh, laughing, Ralph,
is the noise that people make
when they hear something funny.
Shut the fuck up, Sully.
- How's he doing?
- He's killing.
Great.
[scoffs]
"Great"?
That's not your "great" face,
Bill.
That's the "why don't Johnny
fuckin' love me" face.
How did they not shoot you
in 'Nam?
- [Sully laughs]
- There's nothing but bamboo
over there;
what tree could you
have possibly
fuckin' hid behind?
Yeah, are black hippos sacred
over there?
- Shh, shh.
- First of all, y'all saw
the pictures,
I was lean and mean in 'Nam.
Charlie was terrified of me.
Called me "The Black Beast."
Black beast, that's what
they call you at McDonald's.
- Black beast.
- Fuck you, Sully.
Always talking shit.
You know what?
When the revolution come,
motherfuckers,
you on your own.
Guys, I'm trying to hear Clay.
Hear what?
His act is practically
a sing-along.
Bill, I love you
like a raging yeast infection,
but shut the fuck up.
- Gross.
- Mm.
Come on over.
[cheers]
Oh, my God!
- [clapping on TV]
- [Bill] What?
- Oh, my God. He got the couch.
- [Sully] Wow.
Suddenly I don't feel
so pretty anymore.
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
Whatever.
Wow.
Yeah, get your bitter ass
out of here, Bill.
♪ mellow ragtime music ♪
Got the couch.
That's all she wrote.
I told Frank
Johnny'd eat him up.
♪
[applause on TV]
How are you?
Ah.
He smells good.
[Clay laughs]
- [audience laughter]
- He always has.
Don't get too close.
You'll lose a finger.
[Carson] Very funny stuff.
So you get back to Boston much?
Well, I-I try to make it back
for all the major funerals.
Ah, uh-huh.
[Clay] Yeah, you can fly free
when someone dies
so I try to plan my vacations
around my dying relatives.
[laughter]
Oh, Uncle Sal's not doing
so good, aye?
Oh, well, that's... that's sad.
That's very sad.
Any chance he'll be, uh,
hanging in there
till opening day at Fenway?
- [audience laughter]
- [Johnny Carson laughs]
♪
[TV chatter continues]
♪ acoustic folk music ♪
♪
What do you think happens
when we die?
[imitating accent]
Well, Cass,
I don't really know.
- Shut up.
- [laughs]
Don't make fun of my accent.
I'm working on it.
Oh.
Well, I think it was Buddha
that said it best.
♪
"You shit yourself.
And then it's anybody's guess."
You know, they say when
you come you die a little bit.
Is that why you don't
want to come anymore?
You afraid of dying?
Fear of death is, um,
not my issue.
Fear of irrelevancy.
Now, that scares
the shit out of me.
So what is it then?
Why don't you want to
come with me anymore?
♪
[sighs]
You know who Edmund Hillary is?
Are you fucking the guy
who climbed Everest?
[both snicker]
♪
[Clay] He risked everything
to reach the summit.
And when he finally
stood on top of the world,
you know how long it was for?
Mm-mm.
Fifteen minutes.
[tsks]
All that excitement,
anticipation,
blood, tears,
and excruciating pain...
♪
all of it for
a measly 15 minutes.
♪
And on his way down,
he and Tenzing,
his trusty Sherpa,
celebrated with soup.
♪
It's the climb, Cass.
♪
It's all about the climb.
I sure hope the soup was good.
[laughs]
♪ rollicking blues rock music ♪
♪
♪
[scattered cheers, applause]
All right, let's hear it
for Cora, everybody.
- [clapping]
- Huh, isn't she great?
The lovely, sweet,
talented Cora.
Easy!
[Eddie] Very special lady,
that Cora.
What, do you got
a fuckin' train to catch?
I should be counting
my tips right now.
Speaking of tips, uh,
any chance of sliding mine
into your mouth for a second?
No.
You got two minutes.
By the way, a five-dollar
discount on a hand job,
kind of a shitty
going-away present.
All right, everybody.
Time to go.
- Closing time.
- [groans and boos]
Your soul-crushing
existences await you.
[Heckler] Fuck you, Jew.
Ah, "Jew."
Such a versatile word.
It's both a people
and an insult.
Tell me, pal, is there
a Mrs. Drunken Shithead at home?
How'd you like
a fucking beating, huh?
Aren't you worried if you, uh,
get blood on your knuckles
your wife will think you're
seeing another woman?
Cocksucker.
"Cocksucker."
Another gem.
Let me guess.
Lit major?
Or is this just a game where...
where you and I
blurt out hobbies you think
your mother and I share?
You're dead, asshole.
I don't think so,
you fucking hard-on.
Hey, Lou, you want to
take care of this guy for me?
- Lou?
- [Heckler] No fucking Lou.
- Lou?
- No Lou.
Fuck me.
I think Z's in trouble.
Would you focus, Carol?
'Cause if I'm being honest,
you're doing kind of
a subpar job here.
Okay, it's like I'm jerking off
left-handed.
Trust me, pal, you don't
want to do this.
- Okay, trust me.
- Yeah, why the fuck not, huh?
Full disclosure,
I'm asthmatic.
- I have asthma.
- Shit, shit, shit.
It's like hitting a guy with
fucking glasses, it's cowardly.
Plus, a fucking guy from Southie
beating up a minority,
it's not a lot of points
for originality.
- Yeah?
- [bottle breaks]
[crowd gasps, laughs]
[panting]
You're lucky that Carol's got
palms like a fucking teamster.
Come on, we gotta be at Logan
in two hours.
[person claps]
Thank you.
You've been a great crowd.
So, Cass, should we talk about
the elephant in the room?
- Not you, Ralphie.
- Shut the fuck up.
- That being?
- [Sully] Come on.
It didn't singe your sissy
a little
seeing your ex-boyfriend
get the couch?
Sorry, but I'm not ten.
- Yeah, but you're human.
- Exactly.
Thus I can transcend pettiness
and actually be happy
for someone
without it reflecting back
on me and my career.
Did she just say "thus"?
Did she say "career"?
- Fuck you guys.
- [Ralph laughs]
[Bill] You're full of shit.
I'm jealous.
I'm practically shitting blood
sitting here
thinking about it,
and you should be too.
Every other comic's success,
every set he kills,
every Merv, Johnny,
or Dinah-fucking-Shore
appearance
another comic makes
is one more
that we didn't get.
Every laugh should feel like
a sharp poke
in your fucking eye.
If it doesn't,
get the fuck out.
'Cause you don't care enough.
There it is.
- [Ralph] You know what?
- [Sully] Fantastic.
That's a motherfucking
two-thirty in the morning
pancake speech right there.
Fuck you.
And fuck you.
[Sully] Oh, man, if you
were queer, I would just
suck your dick right now.
So beautiful.
You know what?
I'll do it.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
- Let me in there.
- I'm going in.
- Get that dick.
- Oh!
- [laughs]
Can I just enjoy my
plate of latkes one night
without you two
pretending to blow each other?
- Waitress!
- Get the check!
Check!
Hurry the fuck up, check!
[Sully]
Why you gotta make this ugly?
♪ moody folk music ♪
♪
♪
♪
[horn honks, tires screech]
[onlookers react]
[tires screech]
[brakes hiss]
[distant crowd commotion]
[woman]
Call an ambulance.
♪ Kathy Heideman's
"Sleep a Million Years" ♪
♪
♪ Please don't frown at me ♪
♪ When you could smile ♪
♪ Our eternity is
just a while ♪
♪ Don't you know ♪
♪ That later on ♪
♪ We're going to sleep
a million years ♪
[song playing over car radio]
Do you think I'll ever
play The Main Stage?
Hey, I'm talking to you.
What the fuck, Cass?
Come on.
What?
- I'm just asking.
- Well, you see what I'm doing.
No... but-give me a...
give me a minute, okay?
It's my third time through
the fucking alphabet down there.
I'm a delicate flower, sorry.
That's 20 minutes of my life
I'll never get back.
Yeah, but do you really want
20 minutes of your life back?
Touché.
I need your opinion.
[sighs]
If the question is,
who do you have to blow
to get in the main room,
you're in the wrong fucking car.
I know, it's Goldie.
She keeps telling me
I have to do more
"women appropriate" shit.
What is that?
What, like jokes about
Tupperware
and ring around the collar?
What did you think?
Goldie's just gonna build you
a ramp to The Main Stage?
It's a meritocracy; it's not
a fucking charity event.
Yeah, it's easy for you to say.
You're a guy.
You can say whatever you want.
Goldie doesn't owe you shit,
okay?
You're not in the main room
because you're not ready, and
don't give me that whole "easy
cause you're a guy" cop out.
You're slightly better
than that.
[tapping]
Jesus Christ, you gave me
a heart attack, Ralph.
[Bill] What's up?
Get out of the car.
[Bill] What?
♪ somber music ♪
♪
A fucking bus.
[Goldie] They act like it's
a goddamn freeway out there.
[cracks up]
Sorry.
We should probably do something,
some kind of memorial.
[snickering]
I'm sorry.
I dropped two hits of blotter
around three in the morning.
I'm still a little...
still just a tiny bit fucked up.
[Edgar]
This is terrible, though.
Let's go on with our memorial
arrangements for Clay, please.
[Edgar laughs]
It's noticeable, isn't it?
I'm picking up Clay's parents at
the airport in a couple hours.
I can ask them if they're open
to having a ceremony
or something.
[Edgar laughs]
Oh, fuck.
Jesus!
Wait out-fucking-side,
will you, Ed?
I didn't know Clay was gonna die
when I took the shit, obviously.
[Sully] Come on.
Come on.
Should be babysitting
my nephews now.
- Come on.
- We watch H. R. Pufnstuf
on Saturdays... you know what
I'm talking about, Sully.
Yeah, man,
acid and babysitting.
It's pretty self-explanatory.
[Edgar]
[laughs] Fuck yeah.
We can all, maybe
say a few words, huh?
[sighs]
I'll call Jerry's.
Get us a platter.
Think I should try to
book a church?
Fuck no.
We're in one.
♪ upbeat jazzy music ♪
♪
[Carl]
You know who swam in this pool?
[Adam]
Like, bacteria and shit?
[Carl]
One Mister Burl Ives.
♪
[Adam] So you still didn't
answer my question, Carl.
What did Goldie say?
[Carl]
She said yes.
[Adam, mouth full]
Well, good, shit, finally!
In the near future.
Oh.
Well, how fucking near?
Soon.
I don't know.
Another six months?
She says you're not ready.
Look, I've been doing open mic
for over a fucking year now.
Okay, I want fucking Carson,
Carl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you and every other
pencil dick with five minutes.
Listen, it's a marathon, kid,
I keep telling you.
You keep telling me
a lot of shit.
Okay, you're my manager.
Fucking manage me.
And if you can't
get me the big room,
at least get me a paid gig.
What pay?
Goldie doesn't pay anybody.
It's a showcase.
What about that gig
at the church?
Babysitting immigrant kids
is not a gig, Carl.
Okay, I need real money.
All right, I want to get
my own pad,
a place where I can
take girls
without you wandering through
in your boxers,
eating baked beans
out of a pan.
It'll come.
It will come.
In the meantime,
just keep entertaining
the little beige tots
while you hone your craft
at Goldie's
until it's time.
And... and when exactly
is... is that?
Goldie will let you know,
in the same way she let Prinze
and Walker and Appuzzo know.
♪
♪ somber music ♪
♪
God willing,
some day this will all be ashes.
Their poor mothers.
You know they hate you, right?
♪
[chuckles]
Hey, uh, is there any chance
of us passing by Grauman's?
Tourists?
Uh, comics.
From Boston.
[chuckles]
What?
Nothing.
Come on,
let us in on the joke.
At the risk of
blowing my dime tip,
I'll tell you.
Ever since Carson moved his
outfit from New York to here,
every asshole who think
he can tell a joke
has been circling Burbank
like a fucking vulture.
Nice to meet you too.
- You asked.
- I did.
[church bells tolling]
All right, oh.
[children playing and laughing]
You religious, Adam?
No,
I figured I'd find Jesus
after I'm pulled over
by some white cops in Bel Air.
[chuckles]
A conversion based on fear
isn't a conversion.
It's insurance.
That's nice, Father.
If the Catholic Church
starts making fortune cookies,
- I think you the man.
- [chuckles]
So you talk to
the powers that be
about my raise?
Sorry.
It pays what it pays.
Ah, are you sure
there's nothing that I can do
to make 'em throw
a little extra bread my way?
Carl's cool, but I'm starting
to get desperate.
[sighs]
There are other ways
of supplementing income.
Here at the church, I mean.
What's the figure?
Two hundred.
Dollars?
It pays a lot, Adam,
because it costs a lot.
♪ somber piano music ♪
♪
[sniffs]
[sobs]
[crying]
[knocking]
♪
Hello.
Uh...
Is, uh, Clay here?
Who are you?
[both chuckle]
We're, uh,
we're friends of his
from Boston.
We, uh,
he said we had a...
we got a place to crash
if we came to town, so...
here we are.
[chuckles]
Ta-da.
[both chuckling]
Hi, I'm, uh, Eddie.
Eddie Zeidel.
Nice to meet you.
This is my friend, Ron Shack.
Hey.
Very nice to meet you.
I'm sorry, Clay's dead.
[chuckles]
Excuse me?
Um, last night there was
an accident on Sunset.
Wait.
W...
He...
He was on Carson,
I mean, we...
we talked.
Yeah, he got the fucking couch.
I'm sorry.
Wait... wait, hold on, hold on.
Um...
Look, we just kind of
come a really long way.
Uh, so is... is this like
a brush-off
or... or a joke or...
Yeah, fucking hilarious,
isn't it?
I think it's best you boys
made other arrangements.
[bar music playing]
- [crying]
- Come on, Kay.
♪
Of course Clay loved you.
It was two months.
[sighs]
Hardly a romance for the ages.
Who wouldn't be crazy about you?
You're pretty,
you're kind,
and you never mess up
my drink order.
[laughs]
- Vodka and tonic.
- Yep.
Those acting classes
are paying off.
Mm.
♪
- What is that like?
- Well...
it, uh, doesn't burn
if that's what you're asking.
I'm serious.
It's like here.
Some nights you kill.
Some nights you bomb.
For some fucked-up reason
you...
keep coming back.
♪
We're gonna fuck, aren't we?
Are we?
Change of clothes.
Half a pack of cigarettes.
A postcard.
[Richard Thompson's
"The Calvary Cross"]
♪ Oh, it's a black cat
cross your path ♪
♪
♪ And why don't you follow ♪
What kind of god
does something like that?
You work your ass off;
you kill on The Tonight Show;
you get the fucking couch;
that very night,
you're hit by a bus?
You're buddy got hit
crossing against a green.
That's not God,
that's Darwin or Budweiser.
Well, you're a real cunt
sometimes.
Hey, I find the word
"sometimes" offensive.
Excuse me?
Who do we talk to
about stage time?
Uh, amateur night's
Tuesday night, guys.
Sign-up sheet's
by the register.
No, no, no, no, no, uh...
We... we don't do open mic.
We're pros.
Oh, wow!
Oh, wow.
Oh, I got, uh, Richard Pryor's
going on Thursday night.
I can, uh, bump him
if it means
that I can get some pros
on stage.
Look, he didn't mean anything,
okay?
We're working comics
from Boston
and we came out
to stay with a friend
and he was gonna
set us up out here,
but unfortunately, he...
he died last night, so...
Clay.
Clay Appuzzo, yeah.
Anyway, we got nowhere to crash,
and we spent everything
just to get out here.
So if you could help us out
and give us some stage time?
What, are you guys
like a Rowan and Martin?
No, separate acts.
Well,
amateur night's the best
I can do for you guys.
Can't play the main room
without Goldie's blessing
and even open mics
are like a three-week wait.
Fuck, fucking suck a duck.
Fuck duck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck!
He retarded?
Listen, man, um,
if...
if there's anything
you could do to help us out?
Well, if you guys
need a place to stay
until you make it big,
I can set you up
with something.
Hey, Dory, you think
you could get that ketchup
that I asked for
a long time ago, you know,
before your Social Security
kicks in?
The nicest.
The nicest.
[indistinct chatter]
"Fa Napoli."
Next time just mail it.
It's a postcard,
not a telegram.
I think it's a suicide note
from Clay.
How is this a suicide note?
It's part of a Goethe quote.
"Fa Napoli."
"See Naples and die."
Clay used to say it
all the time.
It meant once you see Naples,
there was nothing left to do
but die
because nothing would ever
compare to that moment.
It's a postcard, Cass.
That he left on the bedside
table at the Sunset Tower Hotel.
Why was he even staying
at a hotel
when he lives two blocks away?
I don't know.
Look, you want to play
Mod Squad, fine,
but pull this shit
with someone else.
Pull what shit?
The shit where you build
a fucking shrine to a guy
who wiped his feet on your ass
for two years.
I came here as a friend.
I understand.
Clay died.
It's a fucking tragedy.
I get it.
It's this fond revisionist
bullshit
that makes me want to puke.
It'd make Clay puke too.
And you know what?
You just want to sit there and
sweep all his dick-ish qualities
under the rug and... and magically
turn the silent asshole
at the end of his name into a
"There'll never be
another like him,"
then go for it,
but you're gonna have to
rewrite history
with some other shithead.
Go fuck yourself, Bill.
He dumped you, Cass.
I'm right here.
I'm right fucking here!
He makes a good point.
♪ The Isley Brothers'
"It's Your Thing" ♪
♪ It's your thing ♪
[snorting]
♪ Do what you want to do... ♪
That is fucking bullshit, Mitch.
♪ I can't tell you ♪
Johnny liked your boy.
- Gave him the fucking couch.
- Yeah.
Now this thing with the bus?
Drugs, possibly?
So rumors are
the rule of the day now?
He went out to celebrate,
got a little drunk,
fell in front of a bus.
It... Carson gave him the couch.
Who wouldn't tie one on?
People there say
he saw the bus,
walked right out
in front of it.
Police are still investigating.
Wha... so Johnny's fucking
punishing me now?
It's the fucking sponsors.
If anyone's being punished,
it's us.
Okay, look,
Johnny feels bad.
But I just think
we need to book some
more established comics
for a little while,
see how it all shakes out.
"Established"?
What are you gonna
dry-clean Red Skeleton,
send him out there?
Good fucking luck!
How long we talking?
We're thinking
four, five months.
Then I'll bring the kids
right back in.
You want retreads?
Be my guest.
Merv, Midnight Special,
they can have first shot
at my kids.
I got agents and producers
packing this place
every night,
because if you're waiting
for them to act stable,
you got a long fuckin' wait.
I mean, they got mommy issues;
they got daddy issues;
they're about as stable
as a Middle East cease-fire.
That volatility,
that pain,
that willingness to walk out
in front of a bus
an hour after killing it
on Johnny Carson...
- if that's what he did...
- That's exactly what he...
Well, that's the price
of fucking brilliance, isn't it?
That's what makes
millions of your viewers
stay up till
the ass crack of dawn,
waiting to see them.
These are tortured
fucking souls, Mitch.
I j...
And here I thought we were
talking about comics.
[sighs]
You want genius?
You come here.
You want Catskill
or some green kid
shitting walnuts
on national television,
zay gezunt.
Goldie, the kingmaker.
[Goldie] Damn straight.
And you know what
they get from me,
these kids, they don't
get anywhere else?
These babies, huh?
Oh...
I nurse these fuckin' kids.
They latch on
and don't let go
till I tell them when.
So, when they go on your show,
they knock it
out of the fucking park!
Huh?
It's called trust, Mitch.
They trust that
when I know they're ready,
that's when they're ready.
And that's when
I call you fuck-tards.
Okay, look, we both know
those other shows
don't mean shit to these kids.
- It's Johnny or nothing.
- [scoffs]
So why don't we just
let the sponsors
have a little time
to let their pants dry
and then I'll see what I can do.
Yeah, we can all hold hands
and buy the world
a fucking Coke, too.
[soft chuckle]
Not for nothing,
nice tits.
Fuckin' took you long enough.
So...
What do you think
of the place?
I think we're standing in the
middle of a fucking closet.
I mean, you can't put a bed
in here, much less two.
Yeah, but you can fit
two sleeping bags right here,
plus you got access
to a full kitchen, shower,
toilet, all semi-functional.
[sighs]
We'll take it.
Are you fuckin' serious?
We need a place to crash.
- [sighs]
- All right.
Need the rent up front.
Sixty bucks cash.
I'm not gonna, uh,
I'm not gonna...
What do you got?
Just say it.
- I got... I got 11... 11 bucks.
- Just say what you have.
Just give me the ten.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
All right.
Rules.
You live with
three other people now, okay?
So you got to put your name
on your food.
If you don't have
your name on your food,
then it's up for grabs.
- Okay.
- Labels.
Also, don't touch my snake,
and don't think
you're doing me any favors
by feeding him, okay?
Where... where's the snake?
The snake's in here?
And listen, this is the
closet to my room, out here, so
- if I'm in there with Maggie...
- Who's Maggie?
She's my girl.
By the way, hands off, okay?
If I'm out here with Maggie,
screwing,
you gotta wait
till we're done.
[scoffs] And what exactly does
that cocktail of degradation
and self-loathing sound like
when it's finished?
Sobbing? A single gunshot?
[laughs]
Probably just a groggy
"where am I?"
after the ether wears off.
[laughs]
[scoffs]
God, do you guys just
come up with this
out of the thin air?
It's amazing.
Enjoy your closet.
- [both] Oh.
- Fuck me.
Is that a fucking cat box?
Yeah.
- [oxygen tank hisses]
- [knocking]
♪ solemn music ♪
♪
Well, uh...
guess I should just...
uh, all right.
Everybody stand back.
♪
Okay, well, you gotta
take that down.
I'm fuckin' serious.
Language, Adam, please.
"Language"?
Really?
♪
So anybody here from...
from out of town?
[slight chuckle]
[audience laughter]
Are you having a good time,
ma'am?
Really?
All right, tell your face.
[laughter]
I am Mexican.
That's right.
I look like, uh,
Tony Orlando
had a baby
with Tony Orlando.
[audience laughter]
What is it about Mexicans...
eh... I wish this didn't happen,
but it's true.
Mexican, right,
is a dirty word still.
You say "Mexican" before
anything, it sounds bad.
Like, for example, uh,
I got some reefer.
- Got some Mexican reefer.
- [audience laughter]
- No, thank you.
- [audience laughter]
Took my kids to the circus,
the Mexican circus.
[audience laughter]
What the fuck was that about?
Took him to see a clown,
- the Mexican clown.
- [audience laughter]
Hey, kids, look,
it's Puto the Clown.
[audience laughter]
I gotta take a piss.
[Edgar] Want me to make a
balloon animal with my wiener?
Hey, hey.
I gotta talk to Goldie
about Clay's memorial.
Look, I fucked up, okay?
I'm an antisocial asshole,
a narcissistic douche bag.
Let me know when
you get to an apology.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Clay's friend.
- Yeah, Eddie.
- Cassie.
Look, I-I just... I wanted
to apologize for earlier.
No, I'm sorry about that...
No, no-no-no-no,
please, don't.
I mean, a couple of bums
show up,
trying to crash
on your boyfriend's couch...
No, he wasn't my boyfriend.
He was my boyfriend.
We were together for two years,
but it's been over for a while.
- And...
- Oh.
I'm just trying to take care
of his parents and get...
No, that sounds...
that sounds really nice of you.
We found a place.
Oh, good.
Yeah, yeah.
Arnie's.
Oh, that's not good.
It's great, actually,
it's, uh,
it's a closet,
is what it is.
It's got a wonderful view,
though.
Looks on to some kind of
performance space
where, uh, bums take craps
in between parked cars.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
I don't want to oversell
it for you,
but what it lacks in dignity
it makes up for
in horrifying spectacle.
[laughs]
Okay.
This guy's doing fucking
dick jokes over here,
I'm trying,
I'm trying my best.
Oh, thank you
for making me laugh.
- All right.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Yeah, I'll see you.
- Okay, take care.
Hey, is Kay here?
Is Kay here?
Kay, Kay the waitress.
- Clay's Kay?
- How the fuck do I know?
[sighs]
She gave me crabs.
Aw, what'd you get her?
I'm fucking serious, man.
Just go get some Quell...
I slept with Betty last night.
It's nice knowing you.
Yeah, and she's already hormonal
'cause she's six-months pregnant
so great, she's gonna
kill me now
because I fucking turned her
panties into a fucking aquarium.
You shown it to anyone else?
Bill.
Anyone who cares?
His parents?
No, but I'm going to.
They deserve the truth.
No one deserves the truth,
sweetie.
It's not a reward.
You wouldn't want to know
if it was your son?
My grandmother gave me this
on my 21st birthday.
Talk about your
"to be's or not to be's."
Poor fucker.
Treblinka.
Eight months
before she was liberated.
She said there was
a Star of David
hung above the entrance
to the gas chamber.
Written, in Hebrew,
on a purple curtain
were the words,
"This is the gateway to God.
Righteous men
will pass through."
They even lined the gas chamber
entrance with flowers.
The train ramp
to Treblinka
was disguised to look like
a regular railway station
with timetables, signs,
even a clock
painted on the wall.
What does this
have to do with Clay?
My grandmother knew the truth.
She knew where she was going.
And when she got there,
where she was,
what that acrid smell
in the air was.
But the truth wasn't
gonna let her sleep at night.
It seldom does.
His parents should know.
[cigarette case shuts]
Say you're right.
They're Catholic.
So you're pretty much
damning their son to Hell.
You tell them the truth,
and they will never have
another decent night's
sleep again.
So what, so I...
so I just shouldn't
say anything?
The flowers at Treblinka?
Bubbe said they were the most
beautiful she'd ever seen.
♪ whimsical whistling music ♪
♪
Guy?
Guy.
I'm so itchy.
What is it?
I don't know.
Is there something on me?
♪
I'm so sorry.
For what?
My dead son's accident
or his giving his mother crabs?
Mister Appuzzo.
Clay left this at the hotel
the night of his accident.
"Napoli."
See Naples.
Why are you showing me this?
[sighs]
I think that Clay might have...
No.
♪ somber music ♪
It was an accident.
He was drinking.
He had an accident.
You understand?
He had an accident.
- No, Mister...
- He was drinking and...
He left this at the hotel.
he fell in front of a bus
in this God forsaken
hell hole.
Here, here.
Here's your memorial.
Here's your ashes.
♪
Scatter them all over this...
Gomorrah that killed him!
♪
[bacon sizzling]
Good morning, roomie.
Morning.
Do you like bacon?
Or are you
the other kind of Jew?
Uh...
Morning, buddy.
Hey, Mags,
any more bacon?
Yeah,
there's one here.
[Ron] Thank you.
It's a memorial service.
Nobody's gonna say boo.
Man, Arnie's not even
gonna
let me in the building
without you.
That guy's got his head
so far up Goldie's ass
he can taste her last meal.
Look, I'm being serious, Carl.
My hands are tied.
Charlie's got the brunch.
Lookit, if you say the words
"Charlie" or "Callas"
one more time,
I swear to Christ that I'm going
to take this five-dollar tie
that you so generously
let me borrow
and I'ma hang your ass
with it.
Oh, you want Carson?
Go get Carson.
You got to get in there
with the big boys.
Let 'em see you.
This business is
all about relationships.
You got... you gotta mingle
for Chrissake.
Mingle at a memorial service?
Hey, I got my first break
on The Colgate Comedy Hour
by chatting up Eddie Cantor
at a urinal.
You do what you gotta do.
Wow, you are, like,
the worst fucking manager ever,
you know that, right?
Maybe.
But I believe in you.
And you know that.
We got pork chops tonight.
If you're late and they're dry,
don't blame me.
♪ Shuggie Otis'
"Strawberry Letter 23" ♪
♪
♪ Hello my love ♪
♪ I heard a kiss from you ♪
♪ Red magic satin playing
near.. ♪
Guy, please?
♪ All through the morning rain
I gaze ♪
♪ The sun doesn't shine ♪
♪ Rainbows and waterfalls ♪
♪ Run through my mind ♪
♪ In the garden
I see... ♪
Uh, 'scuse me, brother.
Think The Jackson 5's
at The Rainbow.
Hey, Arnie, I'm just
here to pay my respects.
Oh, yeah?
Really?
You were friends with Clay?
Yeah, he... he, uh,
bought me a slice of pizza
after one of my sets.
Oh, so you got
the pizza connection?
Wow, congrats.
That's really cool.
[snaps]
Screw, kid.
Oh, my God!
There you are.
You look fabulous.
How do I look? [giggles]
This kid doesn't know Clay.
He's just here hustling.
Neither do you if you think
Clay would give a shit.
He's my guest.
Come on.
You look like Flip Wilson
went to Sears.
- Hey, thanks, man.
- Man, forget it.
There's only one rule
in this business, and so far
nobody's figured out
what it is yet.
Welcome
to the wild, wild west.
Hey, enjoy the egg salad.
[indistinct chatter]
[chuckling]
- Hey, hey.
- Smart, college educated.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Uh, where's Betty?
I heard she's bringing seafood.
[laughs]
Shut the fuck up.
She's meeting her mother
to pick out a new crib.
She's gonna come by
a little later, thank you.
What about all the little
piranhas in her panties?
I, uh, told her
I got them at the Y.
Mm.
Well, I mean,
technically, you did.
[snickers] Man,
you should have heard me.
I'm blasting them
on the phone this morning.
I'm like, "You guys,
my wife is pregnant;
and she probably has them;
and I'm gonna take
the Young Man's Christian
Association to court!"
I used the full name
to intimidate them.
It really worked well.
And she bought all that?
Yeah.
Hook, line, and sinker.
- Ugh.
- I even canceled my membership,
which sucks, 'cause I loved
working out there.
It's inexpensive and,
truth be told,
it's very, very clean.
[audience laughter]
[Ralph] I mean, these
girls were bad, you know, so...
But Clay, he introduces us.
And the... and the girls ask
how we know each other.
Clay looks at them
with a straight face and says,
"We're cousins through rape."
[audience laughter]
And then... and then,
and then he goes on
to tell a story,
a history lesson about
how the Moors were black
and they invaded, raped,
and pillaged Sicily.
But we are all one,
big happy family now,
it's all in the past.
[light audience laughter]
Man, neither one of us
got laid that night.
[audience laughter]
Clay was my man,
I tell you that.
He was my man.
♪ somber music ♪
Thank you.
♪
Hello, um,
I know, uh,
none of you know us,
me and my friend Ron.
Um.
But, uh,
I knew Clay from
back in Boston when his first
name was still Calogero.
We were kids making pizzas
at Romero's,
which was an authentic
Italian restaurant
that was owned by
my Jewish uncle.
[audience chuckling]
Later, Clay got a job
at, uh, Combat Zone,
doing comedy at a strip club.
And I'd drive into Boston
and watch, and, uh...
I mean, I was probably
the one guy there
not to watch the strippers
but to watch Clay perform.
And he'd be up there
telling these jokes about,
about his family and
growing up in a small town,
but, you know, they...
they weren't...
they weren't jokes,
they were these...
I don't know,
these secrets about himself.
And, uh, one night
after closing,
we, uh, went to the bar
for a beer.
And, uh, I asked him
how does he
get up in front of
all these drunks
and, uh, make them laugh
at the most
embarrassing,
shameful,
painful moments of his life.
And, uh...
♪
he said it was
easier for him
to confess the truth
about himself
to a room full of
drunken strangers
than it was to the people
he really loved.
♪
He was beautiful.
♪
Angelina.
- Oh, Guy.
- We're leaving.
You have to stay in here.
The stories about Calogero...
We're leaving.
♪
[Goldie] Mr. Appuzzo, please,
won't you join us,
just a little while?
Have... have a seat, please.
The...
My son is dead.
He was a child.
He was always a child.
You are children.
You think you can
joke your way out of everything,
pain, heartache,
life!
Go ahead.
Then what?
It's all still there
waiting for you,
waiting to be dealt with.
You're children
with your eyes closed,
thinking nobody can see you.
I see you.
I see right through all of you.
♪ Iggy & The Stooges'
"Gimme Danger" ♪
♪
[Sully] Oh, shit!
Honey, what are you doing?
The doctor said
no destruction of property
until after the baby!
It's the receipt
from your crab lotion.
If you found out
about it this morning, then
why is the receipt from two days
ago, you son of a bitch?
[Sully] No, not on my car!
Bess, come here,
give me that...
Can we... no-no-no-no, please,
come here, come-here,
come here, stop, come on!
Thought I got rid of those.
Told you to keep your dick
in your skirt, didn't I?
Mind if I grab a beer?
I'll join you.
Hey, hey, Goldie.
How you doing?
I'm, uh, I'm Adam.
Adam Proteau.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Um, yeah, I know
now is a bad time, but I was...
I said I know who you are.
Why don't you quit
while you're ahead, huh?
♪ If you can't be my master ♪
♪ I will do anything ♪
♪
♪ There's nothing left alive ♪
♪ But a pair of
glassy eyes ♪
♪ Raise my feelings
one more time ♪
[knocking]
Come in.
Oh, sweetie.
Hey, you look tired.
You need a bump?
I want to go up tonight.
The Cellar's yours.
Name the time.
Not The Cellar.
The main room.
[laughs softly]
What are you?
Excuse me?
I have no idea
what the fuck you are.
I'm a comedian.
What are you?
You're funny,
I give you that.
Phyllis Diller,
I know what she is.
Joan Rivers, I get,
but you?
No clue.
You're all over the map.
No point of view.
You're sexy,
which is not a plus.
They don't hear
half your jokes 'cause
they're so busy
staring at your tits.
So you go a little blue.
And when you don't,
you're all
"aw, shucks and cow shit."
[scoffs]
I have no idea what
your female perspective is.
There is no one
female perspective,
just like there is
no one guy perspective.
We're not them, honey.
You wanna go on
The Tonight Show?
Yes.
Let me help you, hmm?
Find a voice
that women can relate to.
I have a voice women...
that women relate to...
That sheds light on
our mutual experiences, huh?
Then I'll put you
on The Main Stage,
front and center,
my right hand to Carson.
- Is Kaufman like Carlin?
- Ugh.
Is Klein like Pryor?
You're missing my point.
Yet they're all
up there on your stage.
Why is it any different
for women?
There is room for me too, I just
need your stage to prove it.
When you're ready.
[lighter flicks]
Word has is The Tonight Show's
gonna be
laying off young comics
for a while.
That the...
rumors surrounding
Clay's death
has them rethinking things.
Your point?
The LA Times
is doing an interview
with me tomorrow.
They want me to
set the record straight
about Clay,
about his death...
The truth.
And what is the truth?
You tell me.
[exhales]
At least now
I know what you are.
♪ lounge piano music ♪
[Sully] Guys,
Vietnam's coming to an end.
That means what?
Yes, the draft
is coming to an end.
It's so nice.
Comedians are coming home
from Canada,
'cause they're pussies, right?
Ugh, they are not known
for their bravery, man.
They're known for what?
Say it with me.
Big penises.
Nobody said it, that's weird.
That's a "no" in the back?
Is that... yeah, that's my wife.
How are you... oh, wait,
that's not her.
I'm just kidding.
She didn't make it
through surgery, she's dead.
How are you?
Ugh, I just... gonna...
I'ma need you to hold this.
Just put it between
your breasts, that's fine, um.
I'll come get it later.
Great, so...
Man, we hate to fight.
We'll make a white flag
out of anything, right?
We'll make a white flag out of
a fuckin' black flag.
[Clay] Where are you
in all this, Cass?
♪ tender piano music ♪
All those jokes about being
a single gal from Wink, Texas.
♪
[Clay] Fuck, the bartender
can tell jokes.
♪
Real laughter...
[exhales]
It's cathartic.
It's the current that
moves through an audience
when some truth
about who you are,
about who they are,
is revealed.
♪
Come on, Cass, you gotta
go out there and put those arms
around that messy part of
yourself and just...
♪
[distant laughter]
Get your ass on that stage.
Figure out what it is
that you have to say,
open a vein, and...
fuckin' say it.
[Sully] That's it, I'm
Sully Patterson, thank you guys!
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, give it up for
Sully Paterson, a...
genuine war hero
right there, man.
Coming to the stage next
right now is a real treat.
It's her first time
on the main room stage,
and quite frankly
it's about motherfucking time.
Easy on the eyes,
and funny as hell,
give it up for
Cassie Feder!
[cheers and applause]
Hey, y'all.
- [warm audience response]
- [cheers and whistles]
Yes, I am from Texas.
We do say "y'all."
Y'all's actually
Texas shorthand for
"We will shoot you,
all of you."
[audience laughter]
You know what's great
about being a single gal
in Texas?
Is making out in pickup trucks.
Girls, you have not lived
until you find yourself
in a lip lock
with a farm boy
who spent his afternoon
watching his daddy's cows hump.
[light audience laughter]
You ever have life
pull a trick on you
that you just
did not see coming?
You're just walking along,
all happy and stupid,
and wham.
Without you even realizing it,
life just
bends you over and tucks it
straight up your ass?
I lost a friend recently.
An ex-boyfriend, actually.
♪ faint ambient music ♪
Man...
[exhales deeply]
Did I ever love him.
He was Italian and swarthy.
And he had these, um,
these big blue eyes.
And not that he couldn't
be a dick too, 'cause he could.
Get her the fuck off the stag...
What?
For what?
[Cassie] Here I was,
this Jew from Wink, Texas.
Let me just put that
in perspective for you.
There's more Jews at
a Walt Disney dinner party
than there are in all of Wink.
[audience chuckling]
And I met my ex,
and, man,
I was just overmatched
right from the start.
You know you are overmatched
when you end up
blowing a guy
on the first date.
That's it.
The end.
You know what I'm talking about.
I can see you've done that
a few times,
haven't you, young lady?
I mean, I don't even
know what happened, really.
I was at dinner.
I was smiling.
I was nodding.
I was so interested in
everything he was saying.
One second, "Oh, my gosh,
lasagna Thanksgiving
instead of turkey?
No."
And then the next second, I'm
in the front seat of his Valiant
blowing him, wondering what
our kids are gonna look like.
[audience laughter]
[mouth full] If it's a boy,
let's name 'em 'Arry a...
[audience laughter]
And if it's a girl,
I'll name her Candace.
[audience laughter and applause]
I was so happy to be there
that I said thank you to him
afterwards.
[audience laughter]
I don't know what happened.
I didn't blow guys in Wink.
And then I'm in L. A.
for one month,
and I'm really thinking
about getting
my tonsils taken out
for performance purposes.
If my uncle knew
what was going on,
I could just see him.
[as Uncle] I can't believe
you're sucking Italian dick.
That's disgusting.
You got perfectly good
cousin dick
right ch'ere in Wink!
[audience laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
♪ uplifting music ♪
♪
[muffled lovemaking]
[muffled springs squeaking]
Oh, great.
I gotta take a piss.
When's this prick
gonna shoot his wad?
[Maggie moaning]
[Arnie] Ooh, yeah.
Oh, my God, yeah, oh!
[Eddie] You know
Lenny Bruce's first paying gig
was for 12 dollars and
a free plate of spaghetti?
I would kill for
some spaghetti right now.
Fucking starving.
[muffled lovemaking intensifies]
Z?
Yeah?
Where the fuck are we?
[Arnie's groans climax]
[Maggie moaning]
Hollywood, brotha.
[both laugh]
♪ Ringo Starr's
"It Don't Come Easy" ♪
♪
♪ It don't come easy ♪
Thank you.
♪ You know it don't come easy ♪
♪ It don't come easy ♪
♪ You know it don't come easy ♪
♪
♪ Got to pay your dues
if you wanna sing the blues ♪
♪ And you know
it don't come easy ♪
♪ You don't have to shout
or leap about ♪
♪ You can even play them easy ♪
♪ Forget about the past
and all your sorrows ♪
♪ The future won't last ♪
♪ It will soon be over
tomorrow ♪
♪ I don't ask for much
I only want your trust ♪
♪ And you know
it don't come easy ♪
♪ And this love of mine
keeps growing all the time ♪
♪ And you know
it just ain't easy ♪
♪ Open up your heart
let's come together ♪
♪
♪ Use a little love ♪
♪ And we will ♪
♪ Make it work out better ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Got to pay your dues
if you wanna sing the blues ♪
♪ And you know
it don't come easy ♪
[Johnny Carson laughs]
[Johnny Carson]
Well, but, we'll find out.
Uh, uh, I'm glad
you're in a good mood tonight.
Uh, my next guest
is a very funny comic,
making his first
Tonight Show appearance.
He's a former Bostonian.
Will you please give a warm
welcome to Clay Appuzzo?
[jazzy Tonight Show
theme music plays]
♪
♪ David Bowie's
"It Ain't Easy" ♪
♪
♪ When you climb
to the top of the mountain ♪
♪ Look out over the sea ♪
♪ Think about
the places perhaps ♪
♪ Where a young man could be ♪
♪ Then you jump back down
to the rooftops ♪
♪ Look out over the town ♪
♪ Think about
all of the strange things ♪
♪ Circulating round ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy
to get to Heaven ♪
♪ When you're going down ♪
♪
♪ Well all the people
have got their problems ♪
♪ That ain't nothing new ♪
♪ With the help
of the good Lord ♪
♪ We can all pull on through ♪
♪ We can all
pull on through ♪
♪ Get there in the end ♪
♪ Sometimes it'll take you
right up ♪
♪ And sometimes down again ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy ♪
♪ It ain't easy
to get to Heaven ♪
♪ When you're going down ♪
[laughter]
[Bill]
Congratulations, ladies.
Congrats, by the way.
Big court win.
Abortion is legal.
- [scattered whoos and applause]
- Yes.
Clap for that.
Clap for that, guys.
- [clapping]
- That's a big win for us too.
- [laughter]
- That's fantastic, man.
How pissed are
back-alley abortionists?
There goes six months
of veterinary school
right down the drain.
[laughter]
My mom had six children.
I'm one of six.
And according to her,
we were all accidents.
Six accidental pregnancies.
We figured it out by now,
haven't we?
This whole penis-vagina
conundrum, right?
It's not the Manhattan Project.
Not a bunch of scientists
standing around a baby
in a room going, well, I-I don't
know how this got here.
I'm not quite sure
I understand.
Yes, Professor Einstein?
[as Einstein]
Um, yeah, I just... I have...
I just have a hunch,
if you will.
Maybe, perhaps, the babies
are coming from the fucking?
Do you think it's from
the fucking?
- [laughter]
- That's just my opinion.
♪ The Dramatics'
"Whatcha See Is Whatcha Get" ♪
[Bill continues set]
♪
Watch out.
I got my eye on you.
♪ But maybe ♪
♪ I'm for real ♪
- [balks]
- Yes.
[kisses]
Tastes like tens and twenties.
[laughs]
Hey, Rob.
Hey, Goldie.
So you killed it
at the Store last night.
You know, I-I wanted
to be here,
but, you know,
the only open spot
wasn't until after one.
Well, a lot of good comics
go up after one.
Oh, I agree.
I just, you know,
I have to be up
at work at seven.
Totally understand.
I just don't give a shit.
♪ Is what you get ♪
Uh, okay, Goldie, well, it's
just one fucking night, right?
Caught my ex getting a blow job
in our office.
Took a fountain pen
and stuck it through his hand.
That was one fucking night too.
♪ I said what you see ♪
Okay.
[audience laughter]
♪ Is what you get ♪
[Bill performing]
Goldie.
What the...
Rob, uh,
he made a mistake.
And although I find
the punishment harsh,
I do find it just.
Can I have his five minutes,
please?
♪ And you know some people ♪
[audience laughter]
What's up, Carl?
People sitting in my booth's
what's up.
Fuck.
Can I sit you somewhere else,
please, just for tonight?
You know who I'm bringing
here tonight?
- Charlie...
- [both] Callas.
Yeah, that's right,
smart guy.
You're gonna tell
an American treasure
he's gotta sit in the back?
All right.
Yeah, that's been my booth
since the joint opened.
Should fuckin' know better.
[Arnie]
Prick.
Hi.
How 'bout some free drinks?
Does that sound good?
♪ You know some people ♪
♪ Are made of lies ♪
♪
♪ To bring you down ♪
[audience laughter]
♪ And shame your name ♪
[sighs]
Where the fuck
are my onion rings?
They're not drinking
if they don't get their salt.
♪
Somebody call me
when Clay goes up.
[Bill] Drunk dentist with
a pair of fondue forks...
[audience laughter]
♪ All I want to do
is love you... ♪
[Cassie] Uh, what else?
Oh, I got myself a pet rock.
He's very sweet.
He was a rescue.
I rescued him off the street.
- He was a stray.
- [audience laughter]
Pet rocks are great.
He's very protective of me.
I was not expecting that.
It's funny.
Anytime my boyfriend
says something mean,
he just jumps out of my hand
and hurls himself at his head.
[audience laughter]
Try to get him to stop,
but he won't.
Show us your tits!
You first, sir.
[crowd reacts]
Ladies and gentlemen,
chivalry is not dead.
Hey, why don't you suck my dick?
Oh, what a sweet invitation.
I have not been asked out
on a date in a long time.
- [Cassie laughs]
- [audience laughter]
Oh, there's a bunch
of y'all, huh?
So what's the occasion?
It's my bachelor party.
- Whoo!
- Yeah.
Well, what are you doing
in here?
That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.
[audience laughter]
A man comes into my office.
He says,
can I use your Dictaphone?
I say, no,
you use your finger
like everybody else.
Come on, you bastards,
get off your high horses.
Hey, Goldie, sit.
Ah, that's a funny one.
Adam Proteau.
What do you think?
I think I got
more hair on my lip
than he does on his nuts.
Can you stick him
in The Cellar?
Fleischer and Stephenson
open mic'd for over a year.
Trust me, if they'd spent
a little more time and sweat
building the Titanic,
the word would still
just mean "big."
Hey, Kay,
another Rob Roy, neat
for my friend Carl, huh?
Hey, pal, nice shirt.
Who... who'd you blow, Don Ho,
for that shirt?
[Tonight Show music
playing on TV]
Yes.
- [crumbles cash]
- There you go.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
[music continues on TV]
[Carson laughs on TV]
Well,
we'll... we'll find out.
Uh, I'm glad you're in
a good mood tonight.
Uh, my next guest
is a very funny comic,
making his first
Tonight Show appearance.
Uh, he's a former Bostonian.
Will you please give a warm
welcome to Clay Appuzzo?
[applause and music on TV]
Thank you.
Everyone, I... look,
I just want to...
I want to be clear.
I'm not just a Bostonian.
I'm an Italian Bostonian.
We still talk with our hands,
but we only use one finger.
[laughter on TV]
So I grew up with
a lot of brothers and sisters.
Italians used to have
big families before television.
But now they only have kids
when there's nothing good on.
[laughter]
But that's what they do,
Italian parents.
They send mixed messages.
You mess up in school,
Dad gives you the belt.
But then two minutes later, Mom
comes in with a bowl of pasta.
[chuckling]
So, I mean, that's how
Italians love to do it.
They like to follow
their violence
with a little something
to eat, right?
- So...
- [laughter]
[Clay]
May I suggest the Alfredo...
- [Cassie laughs]
- [Clay] With your beating?
[Clay] The cream sauce
really soaks up the tears.
Hey, you do know
when Arnie flashes the light,
that means to get
the fuck off stage, right?
I get off the stage when
they stop fucking laughing.
Uh, laughing, Ralph,
is the noise that people make
when they hear something funny.
Shut the fuck up, Sully.
- How's he doing?
- He's killing.
Great.
[scoffs]
"Great"?
That's not your "great" face,
Bill.
That's the "why don't Johnny
fuckin' love me" face.
How did they not shoot you
in 'Nam?
- [Sully laughs]
- There's nothing but bamboo
over there;
what tree could you
have possibly
fuckin' hid behind?
Yeah, are black hippos sacred
over there?
- Shh, shh.
- First of all, y'all saw
the pictures,
I was lean and mean in 'Nam.
Charlie was terrified of me.
Called me "The Black Beast."
Black beast, that's what
they call you at McDonald's.
- Black beast.
- Fuck you, Sully.
Always talking shit.
You know what?
When the revolution come,
motherfuckers,
you on your own.
Guys, I'm trying to hear Clay.
Hear what?
His act is practically
a sing-along.
Bill, I love you
like a raging yeast infection,
but shut the fuck up.
- Gross.
- Mm.
Come on over.
[cheers]
Oh, my God!
- [clapping on TV]
- [Bill] What?
- Oh, my God. He got the couch.
- [Sully] Wow.
Suddenly I don't feel
so pretty anymore.
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
Whatever.
Wow.
Yeah, get your bitter ass
out of here, Bill.
♪ mellow ragtime music ♪
Got the couch.
That's all she wrote.
I told Frank
Johnny'd eat him up.
♪
[applause on TV]
How are you?
Ah.
He smells good.
[Clay laughs]
- [audience laughter]
- He always has.
Don't get too close.
You'll lose a finger.
[Carson] Very funny stuff.
So you get back to Boston much?
Well, I-I try to make it back
for all the major funerals.
Ah, uh-huh.
[Clay] Yeah, you can fly free
when someone dies
so I try to plan my vacations
around my dying relatives.
[laughter]
Oh, Uncle Sal's not doing
so good, aye?
Oh, well, that's... that's sad.
That's very sad.
Any chance he'll be, uh,
hanging in there
till opening day at Fenway?
- [audience laughter]
- [Johnny Carson laughs]
♪
[TV chatter continues]
♪ acoustic folk music ♪
♪
What do you think happens
when we die?
[imitating accent]
Well, Cass,
I don't really know.
- Shut up.
- [laughs]
Don't make fun of my accent.
I'm working on it.
Oh.
Well, I think it was Buddha
that said it best.
♪
"You shit yourself.
And then it's anybody's guess."
You know, they say when
you come you die a little bit.
Is that why you don't
want to come anymore?
You afraid of dying?
Fear of death is, um,
not my issue.
Fear of irrelevancy.
Now, that scares
the shit out of me.
So what is it then?
Why don't you want to
come with me anymore?
♪
[sighs]
You know who Edmund Hillary is?
Are you fucking the guy
who climbed Everest?
[both snicker]
♪
[Clay] He risked everything
to reach the summit.
And when he finally
stood on top of the world,
you know how long it was for?
Mm-mm.
Fifteen minutes.
[tsks]
All that excitement,
anticipation,
blood, tears,
and excruciating pain...
♪
all of it for
a measly 15 minutes.
♪
And on his way down,
he and Tenzing,
his trusty Sherpa,
celebrated with soup.
♪
It's the climb, Cass.
♪
It's all about the climb.
I sure hope the soup was good.
[laughs]
♪ rollicking blues rock music ♪
♪
♪
[scattered cheers, applause]
All right, let's hear it
for Cora, everybody.
- [clapping]
- Huh, isn't she great?
The lovely, sweet,
talented Cora.
Easy!
[Eddie] Very special lady,
that Cora.
What, do you got
a fuckin' train to catch?
I should be counting
my tips right now.
Speaking of tips, uh,
any chance of sliding mine
into your mouth for a second?
No.
You got two minutes.
By the way, a five-dollar
discount on a hand job,
kind of a shitty
going-away present.
All right, everybody.
Time to go.
- Closing time.
- [groans and boos]
Your soul-crushing
existences await you.
[Heckler] Fuck you, Jew.
Ah, "Jew."
Such a versatile word.
It's both a people
and an insult.
Tell me, pal, is there
a Mrs. Drunken Shithead at home?
How'd you like
a fucking beating, huh?
Aren't you worried if you, uh,
get blood on your knuckles
your wife will think you're
seeing another woman?
Cocksucker.
"Cocksucker."
Another gem.
Let me guess.
Lit major?
Or is this just a game where...
where you and I
blurt out hobbies you think
your mother and I share?
You're dead, asshole.
I don't think so,
you fucking hard-on.
Hey, Lou, you want to
take care of this guy for me?
- Lou?
- [Heckler] No fucking Lou.
- Lou?
- No Lou.
Fuck me.
I think Z's in trouble.
Would you focus, Carol?
'Cause if I'm being honest,
you're doing kind of
a subpar job here.
Okay, it's like I'm jerking off
left-handed.
Trust me, pal, you don't
want to do this.
- Okay, trust me.
- Yeah, why the fuck not, huh?
Full disclosure,
I'm asthmatic.
- I have asthma.
- Shit, shit, shit.
It's like hitting a guy with
fucking glasses, it's cowardly.
Plus, a fucking guy from Southie
beating up a minority,
it's not a lot of points
for originality.
- Yeah?
- [bottle breaks]
[crowd gasps, laughs]
[panting]
You're lucky that Carol's got
palms like a fucking teamster.
Come on, we gotta be at Logan
in two hours.
[person claps]
Thank you.
You've been a great crowd.
So, Cass, should we talk about
the elephant in the room?
- Not you, Ralphie.
- Shut the fuck up.
- That being?
- [Sully] Come on.
It didn't singe your sissy
a little
seeing your ex-boyfriend
get the couch?
Sorry, but I'm not ten.
- Yeah, but you're human.
- Exactly.
Thus I can transcend pettiness
and actually be happy
for someone
without it reflecting back
on me and my career.
Did she just say "thus"?
Did she say "career"?
- Fuck you guys.
- [Ralph laughs]
[Bill] You're full of shit.
I'm jealous.
I'm practically shitting blood
sitting here
thinking about it,
and you should be too.
Every other comic's success,
every set he kills,
every Merv, Johnny,
or Dinah-fucking-Shore
appearance
another comic makes
is one more
that we didn't get.
Every laugh should feel like
a sharp poke
in your fucking eye.
If it doesn't,
get the fuck out.
'Cause you don't care enough.
There it is.
- [Ralph] You know what?
- [Sully] Fantastic.
That's a motherfucking
two-thirty in the morning
pancake speech right there.
Fuck you.
And fuck you.
[Sully] Oh, man, if you
were queer, I would just
suck your dick right now.
So beautiful.
You know what?
I'll do it.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
- Let me in there.
- I'm going in.
- Get that dick.
- Oh!
- [laughs]
Can I just enjoy my
plate of latkes one night
without you two
pretending to blow each other?
- Waitress!
- Get the check!
Check!
Hurry the fuck up, check!
[Sully]
Why you gotta make this ugly?
♪ moody folk music ♪
♪
♪
♪
[horn honks, tires screech]
[onlookers react]
[tires screech]
[brakes hiss]
[distant crowd commotion]
[woman]
Call an ambulance.
♪ Kathy Heideman's
"Sleep a Million Years" ♪
♪
♪ Please don't frown at me ♪
♪ When you could smile ♪
♪ Our eternity is
just a while ♪
♪ Don't you know ♪
♪ That later on ♪
♪ We're going to sleep
a million years ♪
[song playing over car radio]
Do you think I'll ever
play The Main Stage?
Hey, I'm talking to you.
What the fuck, Cass?
Come on.
What?
- I'm just asking.
- Well, you see what I'm doing.
No... but-give me a...
give me a minute, okay?
It's my third time through
the fucking alphabet down there.
I'm a delicate flower, sorry.
That's 20 minutes of my life
I'll never get back.
Yeah, but do you really want
20 minutes of your life back?
Touché.
I need your opinion.
[sighs]
If the question is,
who do you have to blow
to get in the main room,
you're in the wrong fucking car.
I know, it's Goldie.
She keeps telling me
I have to do more
"women appropriate" shit.
What is that?
What, like jokes about
Tupperware
and ring around the collar?
What did you think?
Goldie's just gonna build you
a ramp to The Main Stage?
It's a meritocracy; it's not
a fucking charity event.
Yeah, it's easy for you to say.
You're a guy.
You can say whatever you want.
Goldie doesn't owe you shit,
okay?
You're not in the main room
because you're not ready, and
don't give me that whole "easy
cause you're a guy" cop out.
You're slightly better
than that.
[tapping]
Jesus Christ, you gave me
a heart attack, Ralph.
[Bill] What's up?
Get out of the car.
[Bill] What?
♪ somber music ♪
♪
A fucking bus.
[Goldie] They act like it's
a goddamn freeway out there.
[cracks up]
Sorry.
We should probably do something,
some kind of memorial.
[snickering]
I'm sorry.
I dropped two hits of blotter
around three in the morning.
I'm still a little...
still just a tiny bit fucked up.
[Edgar]
This is terrible, though.
Let's go on with our memorial
arrangements for Clay, please.
[Edgar laughs]
It's noticeable, isn't it?
I'm picking up Clay's parents at
the airport in a couple hours.
I can ask them if they're open
to having a ceremony
or something.
[Edgar laughs]
Oh, fuck.
Jesus!
Wait out-fucking-side,
will you, Ed?
I didn't know Clay was gonna die
when I took the shit, obviously.
[Sully] Come on.
Come on.
Should be babysitting
my nephews now.
- Come on.
- We watch H. R. Pufnstuf
on Saturdays... you know what
I'm talking about, Sully.
Yeah, man,
acid and babysitting.
It's pretty self-explanatory.
[Edgar]
[laughs] Fuck yeah.
We can all, maybe
say a few words, huh?
[sighs]
I'll call Jerry's.
Get us a platter.
Think I should try to
book a church?
Fuck no.
We're in one.
♪ upbeat jazzy music ♪
♪
[Carl]
You know who swam in this pool?
[Adam]
Like, bacteria and shit?
[Carl]
One Mister Burl Ives.
♪
[Adam] So you still didn't
answer my question, Carl.
What did Goldie say?
[Carl]
She said yes.
[Adam, mouth full]
Well, good, shit, finally!
In the near future.
Oh.
Well, how fucking near?
Soon.
I don't know.
Another six months?
She says you're not ready.
Look, I've been doing open mic
for over a fucking year now.
Okay, I want fucking Carson,
Carl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you and every other
pencil dick with five minutes.
Listen, it's a marathon, kid,
I keep telling you.
You keep telling me
a lot of shit.
Okay, you're my manager.
Fucking manage me.
And if you can't
get me the big room,
at least get me a paid gig.
What pay?
Goldie doesn't pay anybody.
It's a showcase.
What about that gig
at the church?
Babysitting immigrant kids
is not a gig, Carl.
Okay, I need real money.
All right, I want to get
my own pad,
a place where I can
take girls
without you wandering through
in your boxers,
eating baked beans
out of a pan.
It'll come.
It will come.
In the meantime,
just keep entertaining
the little beige tots
while you hone your craft
at Goldie's
until it's time.
And... and when exactly
is... is that?
Goldie will let you know,
in the same way she let Prinze
and Walker and Appuzzo know.
♪
♪ somber music ♪
♪
God willing,
some day this will all be ashes.
Their poor mothers.
You know they hate you, right?
♪
[chuckles]
Hey, uh, is there any chance
of us passing by Grauman's?
Tourists?
Uh, comics.
From Boston.
[chuckles]
What?
Nothing.
Come on,
let us in on the joke.
At the risk of
blowing my dime tip,
I'll tell you.
Ever since Carson moved his
outfit from New York to here,
every asshole who think
he can tell a joke
has been circling Burbank
like a fucking vulture.
Nice to meet you too.
- You asked.
- I did.
[church bells tolling]
All right, oh.
[children playing and laughing]
You religious, Adam?
No,
I figured I'd find Jesus
after I'm pulled over
by some white cops in Bel Air.
[chuckles]
A conversion based on fear
isn't a conversion.
It's insurance.
That's nice, Father.
If the Catholic Church
starts making fortune cookies,
- I think you the man.
- [chuckles]
So you talk to
the powers that be
about my raise?
Sorry.
It pays what it pays.
Ah, are you sure
there's nothing that I can do
to make 'em throw
a little extra bread my way?
Carl's cool, but I'm starting
to get desperate.
[sighs]
There are other ways
of supplementing income.
Here at the church, I mean.
What's the figure?
Two hundred.
Dollars?
It pays a lot, Adam,
because it costs a lot.
♪ somber piano music ♪
♪
[sniffs]
[sobs]
[crying]
[knocking]
♪
Hello.
Uh...
Is, uh, Clay here?
Who are you?
[both chuckle]
We're, uh,
we're friends of his
from Boston.
We, uh,
he said we had a...
we got a place to crash
if we came to town, so...
here we are.
[chuckles]
Ta-da.
[both chuckling]
Hi, I'm, uh, Eddie.
Eddie Zeidel.
Nice to meet you.
This is my friend, Ron Shack.
Hey.
Very nice to meet you.
I'm sorry, Clay's dead.
[chuckles]
Excuse me?
Um, last night there was
an accident on Sunset.
Wait.
W...
He...
He was on Carson,
I mean, we...
we talked.
Yeah, he got the fucking couch.
I'm sorry.
Wait... wait, hold on, hold on.
Um...
Look, we just kind of
come a really long way.
Uh, so is... is this like
a brush-off
or... or a joke or...
Yeah, fucking hilarious,
isn't it?
I think it's best you boys
made other arrangements.
[bar music playing]
- [crying]
- Come on, Kay.
♪
Of course Clay loved you.
It was two months.
[sighs]
Hardly a romance for the ages.
Who wouldn't be crazy about you?
You're pretty,
you're kind,
and you never mess up
my drink order.
[laughs]
- Vodka and tonic.
- Yep.
Those acting classes
are paying off.
Mm.
♪
- What is that like?
- Well...
it, uh, doesn't burn
if that's what you're asking.
I'm serious.
It's like here.
Some nights you kill.
Some nights you bomb.
For some fucked-up reason
you...
keep coming back.
♪
We're gonna fuck, aren't we?
Are we?
Change of clothes.
Half a pack of cigarettes.
A postcard.
[Richard Thompson's
"The Calvary Cross"]
♪ Oh, it's a black cat
cross your path ♪
♪
♪ And why don't you follow ♪
What kind of god
does something like that?
You work your ass off;
you kill on The Tonight Show;
you get the fucking couch;
that very night,
you're hit by a bus?
You're buddy got hit
crossing against a green.
That's not God,
that's Darwin or Budweiser.
Well, you're a real cunt
sometimes.
Hey, I find the word
"sometimes" offensive.
Excuse me?
Who do we talk to
about stage time?
Uh, amateur night's
Tuesday night, guys.
Sign-up sheet's
by the register.
No, no, no, no, no, uh...
We... we don't do open mic.
We're pros.
Oh, wow!
Oh, wow.
Oh, I got, uh, Richard Pryor's
going on Thursday night.
I can, uh, bump him
if it means
that I can get some pros
on stage.
Look, he didn't mean anything,
okay?
We're working comics
from Boston
and we came out
to stay with a friend
and he was gonna
set us up out here,
but unfortunately, he...
he died last night, so...
Clay.
Clay Appuzzo, yeah.
Anyway, we got nowhere to crash,
and we spent everything
just to get out here.
So if you could help us out
and give us some stage time?
What, are you guys
like a Rowan and Martin?
No, separate acts.
Well,
amateur night's the best
I can do for you guys.
Can't play the main room
without Goldie's blessing
and even open mics
are like a three-week wait.
Fuck, fucking suck a duck.
Fuck duck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck!
He retarded?
Listen, man, um,
if...
if there's anything
you could do to help us out?
Well, if you guys
need a place to stay
until you make it big,
I can set you up
with something.
Hey, Dory, you think
you could get that ketchup
that I asked for
a long time ago, you know,
before your Social Security
kicks in?
The nicest.
The nicest.
[indistinct chatter]
"Fa Napoli."
Next time just mail it.
It's a postcard,
not a telegram.
I think it's a suicide note
from Clay.
How is this a suicide note?
It's part of a Goethe quote.
"Fa Napoli."
"See Naples and die."
Clay used to say it
all the time.
It meant once you see Naples,
there was nothing left to do
but die
because nothing would ever
compare to that moment.
It's a postcard, Cass.
That he left on the bedside
table at the Sunset Tower Hotel.
Why was he even staying
at a hotel
when he lives two blocks away?
I don't know.
Look, you want to play
Mod Squad, fine,
but pull this shit
with someone else.
Pull what shit?
The shit where you build
a fucking shrine to a guy
who wiped his feet on your ass
for two years.
I came here as a friend.
I understand.
Clay died.
It's a fucking tragedy.
I get it.
It's this fond revisionist
bullshit
that makes me want to puke.
It'd make Clay puke too.
And you know what?
You just want to sit there and
sweep all his dick-ish qualities
under the rug and... and magically
turn the silent asshole
at the end of his name into a
"There'll never be
another like him,"
then go for it,
but you're gonna have to
rewrite history
with some other shithead.
Go fuck yourself, Bill.
He dumped you, Cass.
I'm right here.
I'm right fucking here!
He makes a good point.
♪ The Isley Brothers'
"It's Your Thing" ♪
♪ It's your thing ♪
[snorting]
♪ Do what you want to do... ♪
That is fucking bullshit, Mitch.
♪ I can't tell you ♪
Johnny liked your boy.
- Gave him the fucking couch.
- Yeah.
Now this thing with the bus?
Drugs, possibly?
So rumors are
the rule of the day now?
He went out to celebrate,
got a little drunk,
fell in front of a bus.
It... Carson gave him the couch.
Who wouldn't tie one on?
People there say
he saw the bus,
walked right out
in front of it.
Police are still investigating.
Wha... so Johnny's fucking
punishing me now?
It's the fucking sponsors.
If anyone's being punished,
it's us.
Okay, look,
Johnny feels bad.
But I just think
we need to book some
more established comics
for a little while,
see how it all shakes out.
"Established"?
What are you gonna
dry-clean Red Skeleton,
send him out there?
Good fucking luck!
How long we talking?
We're thinking
four, five months.
Then I'll bring the kids
right back in.
You want retreads?
Be my guest.
Merv, Midnight Special,
they can have first shot
at my kids.
I got agents and producers
packing this place
every night,
because if you're waiting
for them to act stable,
you got a long fuckin' wait.
I mean, they got mommy issues;
they got daddy issues;
they're about as stable
as a Middle East cease-fire.
That volatility,
that pain,
that willingness to walk out
in front of a bus
an hour after killing it
on Johnny Carson...
- if that's what he did...
- That's exactly what he...
Well, that's the price
of fucking brilliance, isn't it?
That's what makes
millions of your viewers
stay up till
the ass crack of dawn,
waiting to see them.
These are tortured
fucking souls, Mitch.
I j...
And here I thought we were
talking about comics.
[sighs]
You want genius?
You come here.
You want Catskill
or some green kid
shitting walnuts
on national television,
zay gezunt.
Goldie, the kingmaker.
[Goldie] Damn straight.
And you know what
they get from me,
these kids, they don't
get anywhere else?
These babies, huh?
Oh...
I nurse these fuckin' kids.
They latch on
and don't let go
till I tell them when.
So, when they go on your show,
they knock it
out of the fucking park!
Huh?
It's called trust, Mitch.
They trust that
when I know they're ready,
that's when they're ready.
And that's when
I call you fuck-tards.
Okay, look, we both know
those other shows
don't mean shit to these kids.
- It's Johnny or nothing.
- [scoffs]
So why don't we just
let the sponsors
have a little time
to let their pants dry
and then I'll see what I can do.
Yeah, we can all hold hands
and buy the world
a fucking Coke, too.
[soft chuckle]
Not for nothing,
nice tits.
Fuckin' took you long enough.
So...
What do you think
of the place?
I think we're standing in the
middle of a fucking closet.
I mean, you can't put a bed
in here, much less two.
Yeah, but you can fit
two sleeping bags right here,
plus you got access
to a full kitchen, shower,
toilet, all semi-functional.
[sighs]
We'll take it.
Are you fuckin' serious?
We need a place to crash.
- [sighs]
- All right.
Need the rent up front.
Sixty bucks cash.
I'm not gonna, uh,
I'm not gonna...
What do you got?
Just say it.
- I got... I got 11... 11 bucks.
- Just say what you have.
Just give me the ten.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
All right.
Rules.
You live with
three other people now, okay?
So you got to put your name
on your food.
If you don't have
your name on your food,
then it's up for grabs.
- Okay.
- Labels.
Also, don't touch my snake,
and don't think
you're doing me any favors
by feeding him, okay?
Where... where's the snake?
The snake's in here?
And listen, this is the
closet to my room, out here, so
- if I'm in there with Maggie...
- Who's Maggie?
She's my girl.
By the way, hands off, okay?
If I'm out here with Maggie,
screwing,
you gotta wait
till we're done.
[scoffs] And what exactly does
that cocktail of degradation
and self-loathing sound like
when it's finished?
Sobbing? A single gunshot?
[laughs]
Probably just a groggy
"where am I?"
after the ether wears off.
[laughs]
[scoffs]
God, do you guys just
come up with this
out of the thin air?
It's amazing.
Enjoy your closet.
- [both] Oh.
- Fuck me.
Is that a fucking cat box?
Yeah.
- [oxygen tank hisses]
- [knocking]
♪ solemn music ♪
♪
Well, uh...
guess I should just...
uh, all right.
Everybody stand back.
♪
Okay, well, you gotta
take that down.
I'm fuckin' serious.
Language, Adam, please.
"Language"?
Really?
♪
So anybody here from...
from out of town?
[slight chuckle]
[audience laughter]
Are you having a good time,
ma'am?
Really?
All right, tell your face.
[laughter]
I am Mexican.
That's right.
I look like, uh,
Tony Orlando
had a baby
with Tony Orlando.
[audience laughter]
What is it about Mexicans...
eh... I wish this didn't happen,
but it's true.
Mexican, right,
is a dirty word still.
You say "Mexican" before
anything, it sounds bad.
Like, for example, uh,
I got some reefer.
- Got some Mexican reefer.
- [audience laughter]
- No, thank you.
- [audience laughter]
Took my kids to the circus,
the Mexican circus.
[audience laughter]
What the fuck was that about?
Took him to see a clown,
- the Mexican clown.
- [audience laughter]
Hey, kids, look,
it's Puto the Clown.
[audience laughter]
I gotta take a piss.
[Edgar] Want me to make a
balloon animal with my wiener?
Hey, hey.
I gotta talk to Goldie
about Clay's memorial.
Look, I fucked up, okay?
I'm an antisocial asshole,
a narcissistic douche bag.
Let me know when
you get to an apology.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Clay's friend.
- Yeah, Eddie.
- Cassie.
Look, I-I just... I wanted
to apologize for earlier.
No, I'm sorry about that...
No, no-no-no-no,
please, don't.
I mean, a couple of bums
show up,
trying to crash
on your boyfriend's couch...
No, he wasn't my boyfriend.
He was my boyfriend.
We were together for two years,
but it's been over for a while.
- And...
- Oh.
I'm just trying to take care
of his parents and get...
No, that sounds...
that sounds really nice of you.
We found a place.
Oh, good.
Yeah, yeah.
Arnie's.
Oh, that's not good.
It's great, actually,
it's, uh,
it's a closet,
is what it is.
It's got a wonderful view,
though.
Looks on to some kind of
performance space
where, uh, bums take craps
in between parked cars.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
I don't want to oversell
it for you,
but what it lacks in dignity
it makes up for
in horrifying spectacle.
[laughs]
Okay.
This guy's doing fucking
dick jokes over here,
I'm trying,
I'm trying my best.
Oh, thank you
for making me laugh.
- All right.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Yeah, I'll see you.
- Okay, take care.
Hey, is Kay here?
Is Kay here?
Kay, Kay the waitress.
- Clay's Kay?
- How the fuck do I know?
[sighs]
She gave me crabs.
Aw, what'd you get her?
I'm fucking serious, man.
Just go get some Quell...
I slept with Betty last night.
It's nice knowing you.
Yeah, and she's already hormonal
'cause she's six-months pregnant
so great, she's gonna
kill me now
because I fucking turned her
panties into a fucking aquarium.
You shown it to anyone else?
Bill.
Anyone who cares?
His parents?
No, but I'm going to.
They deserve the truth.
No one deserves the truth,
sweetie.
It's not a reward.
You wouldn't want to know
if it was your son?
My grandmother gave me this
on my 21st birthday.
Talk about your
"to be's or not to be's."
Poor fucker.
Treblinka.
Eight months
before she was liberated.
She said there was
a Star of David
hung above the entrance
to the gas chamber.
Written, in Hebrew,
on a purple curtain
were the words,
"This is the gateway to God.
Righteous men
will pass through."
They even lined the gas chamber
entrance with flowers.
The train ramp
to Treblinka
was disguised to look like
a regular railway station
with timetables, signs,
even a clock
painted on the wall.
What does this
have to do with Clay?
My grandmother knew the truth.
She knew where she was going.
And when she got there,
where she was,
what that acrid smell
in the air was.
But the truth wasn't
gonna let her sleep at night.
It seldom does.
His parents should know.
[cigarette case shuts]
Say you're right.
They're Catholic.
So you're pretty much
damning their son to Hell.
You tell them the truth,
and they will never have
another decent night's
sleep again.
So what, so I...
so I just shouldn't
say anything?
The flowers at Treblinka?
Bubbe said they were the most
beautiful she'd ever seen.
♪ whimsical whistling music ♪
♪
Guy?
Guy.
I'm so itchy.
What is it?
I don't know.
Is there something on me?
♪
I'm so sorry.
For what?
My dead son's accident
or his giving his mother crabs?
Mister Appuzzo.
Clay left this at the hotel
the night of his accident.
"Napoli."
See Naples.
Why are you showing me this?
[sighs]
I think that Clay might have...
No.
♪ somber music ♪
It was an accident.
He was drinking.
He had an accident.
You understand?
He had an accident.
- No, Mister...
- He was drinking and...
He left this at the hotel.
he fell in front of a bus
in this God forsaken
hell hole.
Here, here.
Here's your memorial.
Here's your ashes.
♪
Scatter them all over this...
Gomorrah that killed him!
♪
[bacon sizzling]
Good morning, roomie.
Morning.
Do you like bacon?
Or are you
the other kind of Jew?
Uh...
Morning, buddy.
Hey, Mags,
any more bacon?
Yeah,
there's one here.
[Ron] Thank you.
It's a memorial service.
Nobody's gonna say boo.
Man, Arnie's not even
gonna
let me in the building
without you.
That guy's got his head
so far up Goldie's ass
he can taste her last meal.
Look, I'm being serious, Carl.
My hands are tied.
Charlie's got the brunch.
Lookit, if you say the words
"Charlie" or "Callas"
one more time,
I swear to Christ that I'm going
to take this five-dollar tie
that you so generously
let me borrow
and I'ma hang your ass
with it.
Oh, you want Carson?
Go get Carson.
You got to get in there
with the big boys.
Let 'em see you.
This business is
all about relationships.
You got... you gotta mingle
for Chrissake.
Mingle at a memorial service?
Hey, I got my first break
on The Colgate Comedy Hour
by chatting up Eddie Cantor
at a urinal.
You do what you gotta do.
Wow, you are, like,
the worst fucking manager ever,
you know that, right?
Maybe.
But I believe in you.
And you know that.
We got pork chops tonight.
If you're late and they're dry,
don't blame me.
♪ Shuggie Otis'
"Strawberry Letter 23" ♪
♪
♪ Hello my love ♪
♪ I heard a kiss from you ♪
♪ Red magic satin playing
near.. ♪
Guy, please?
♪ All through the morning rain
I gaze ♪
♪ The sun doesn't shine ♪
♪ Rainbows and waterfalls ♪
♪ Run through my mind ♪
♪ In the garden
I see... ♪
Uh, 'scuse me, brother.
Think The Jackson 5's
at The Rainbow.
Hey, Arnie, I'm just
here to pay my respects.
Oh, yeah?
Really?
You were friends with Clay?
Yeah, he... he, uh,
bought me a slice of pizza
after one of my sets.
Oh, so you got
the pizza connection?
Wow, congrats.
That's really cool.
[snaps]
Screw, kid.
Oh, my God!
There you are.
You look fabulous.
How do I look? [giggles]
This kid doesn't know Clay.
He's just here hustling.
Neither do you if you think
Clay would give a shit.
He's my guest.
Come on.
You look like Flip Wilson
went to Sears.
- Hey, thanks, man.
- Man, forget it.
There's only one rule
in this business, and so far
nobody's figured out
what it is yet.
Welcome
to the wild, wild west.
Hey, enjoy the egg salad.
[indistinct chatter]
[chuckling]
- Hey, hey.
- Smart, college educated.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Uh, where's Betty?
I heard she's bringing seafood.
[laughs]
Shut the fuck up.
She's meeting her mother
to pick out a new crib.
She's gonna come by
a little later, thank you.
What about all the little
piranhas in her panties?
I, uh, told her
I got them at the Y.
Mm.
Well, I mean,
technically, you did.
[snickers] Man,
you should have heard me.
I'm blasting them
on the phone this morning.
I'm like, "You guys,
my wife is pregnant;
and she probably has them;
and I'm gonna take
the Young Man's Christian
Association to court!"
I used the full name
to intimidate them.
It really worked well.
And she bought all that?
Yeah.
Hook, line, and sinker.
- Ugh.
- I even canceled my membership,
which sucks, 'cause I loved
working out there.
It's inexpensive and,
truth be told,
it's very, very clean.
[audience laughter]
[Ralph] I mean, these
girls were bad, you know, so...
But Clay, he introduces us.
And the... and the girls ask
how we know each other.
Clay looks at them
with a straight face and says,
"We're cousins through rape."
[audience laughter]
And then... and then,
and then he goes on
to tell a story,
a history lesson about
how the Moors were black
and they invaded, raped,
and pillaged Sicily.
But we are all one,
big happy family now,
it's all in the past.
[light audience laughter]
Man, neither one of us
got laid that night.
[audience laughter]
Clay was my man,
I tell you that.
He was my man.
♪ somber music ♪
Thank you.
♪
Hello, um,
I know, uh,
none of you know us,
me and my friend Ron.
Um.
But, uh,
I knew Clay from
back in Boston when his first
name was still Calogero.
We were kids making pizzas
at Romero's,
which was an authentic
Italian restaurant
that was owned by
my Jewish uncle.
[audience chuckling]
Later, Clay got a job
at, uh, Combat Zone,
doing comedy at a strip club.
And I'd drive into Boston
and watch, and, uh...
I mean, I was probably
the one guy there
not to watch the strippers
but to watch Clay perform.
And he'd be up there
telling these jokes about,
about his family and
growing up in a small town,
but, you know, they...
they weren't...
they weren't jokes,
they were these...
I don't know,
these secrets about himself.
And, uh, one night
after closing,
we, uh, went to the bar
for a beer.
And, uh, I asked him
how does he
get up in front of
all these drunks
and, uh, make them laugh
at the most
embarrassing,
shameful,
painful moments of his life.
And, uh...
♪
he said it was
easier for him
to confess the truth
about himself
to a room full of
drunken strangers
than it was to the people
he really loved.
♪
He was beautiful.
♪
Angelina.
- Oh, Guy.
- We're leaving.
You have to stay in here.
The stories about Calogero...
We're leaving.
♪
[Goldie] Mr. Appuzzo, please,
won't you join us,
just a little while?
Have... have a seat, please.
The...
My son is dead.
He was a child.
He was always a child.
You are children.
You think you can
joke your way out of everything,
pain, heartache,
life!
Go ahead.
Then what?
It's all still there
waiting for you,
waiting to be dealt with.
You're children
with your eyes closed,
thinking nobody can see you.
I see you.
I see right through all of you.
♪ Iggy & The Stooges'
"Gimme Danger" ♪
♪
[Sully] Oh, shit!
Honey, what are you doing?
The doctor said
no destruction of property
until after the baby!
It's the receipt
from your crab lotion.
If you found out
about it this morning, then
why is the receipt from two days
ago, you son of a bitch?
[Sully] No, not on my car!
Bess, come here,
give me that...
Can we... no-no-no-no, please,
come here, come-here,
come here, stop, come on!
Thought I got rid of those.
Told you to keep your dick
in your skirt, didn't I?
Mind if I grab a beer?
I'll join you.
Hey, hey, Goldie.
How you doing?
I'm, uh, I'm Adam.
Adam Proteau.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Um, yeah, I know
now is a bad time, but I was...
I said I know who you are.
Why don't you quit
while you're ahead, huh?
♪ If you can't be my master ♪
♪ I will do anything ♪
♪
♪ There's nothing left alive ♪
♪ But a pair of
glassy eyes ♪
♪ Raise my feelings
one more time ♪
[knocking]
Come in.
Oh, sweetie.
Hey, you look tired.
You need a bump?
I want to go up tonight.
The Cellar's yours.
Name the time.
Not The Cellar.
The main room.
[laughs softly]
What are you?
Excuse me?
I have no idea
what the fuck you are.
I'm a comedian.
What are you?
You're funny,
I give you that.
Phyllis Diller,
I know what she is.
Joan Rivers, I get,
but you?
No clue.
You're all over the map.
No point of view.
You're sexy,
which is not a plus.
They don't hear
half your jokes 'cause
they're so busy
staring at your tits.
So you go a little blue.
And when you don't,
you're all
"aw, shucks and cow shit."
[scoffs]
I have no idea what
your female perspective is.
There is no one
female perspective,
just like there is
no one guy perspective.
We're not them, honey.
You wanna go on
The Tonight Show?
Yes.
Let me help you, hmm?
Find a voice
that women can relate to.
I have a voice women...
that women relate to...
That sheds light on
our mutual experiences, huh?
Then I'll put you
on The Main Stage,
front and center,
my right hand to Carson.
- Is Kaufman like Carlin?
- Ugh.
Is Klein like Pryor?
You're missing my point.
Yet they're all
up there on your stage.
Why is it any different
for women?
There is room for me too, I just
need your stage to prove it.
When you're ready.
[lighter flicks]
Word has is The Tonight Show's
gonna be
laying off young comics
for a while.
That the...
rumors surrounding
Clay's death
has them rethinking things.
Your point?
The LA Times
is doing an interview
with me tomorrow.
They want me to
set the record straight
about Clay,
about his death...
The truth.
And what is the truth?
You tell me.
[exhales]
At least now
I know what you are.
♪ lounge piano music ♪
[Sully] Guys,
Vietnam's coming to an end.
That means what?
Yes, the draft
is coming to an end.
It's so nice.
Comedians are coming home
from Canada,
'cause they're pussies, right?
Ugh, they are not known
for their bravery, man.
They're known for what?
Say it with me.
Big penises.
Nobody said it, that's weird.
That's a "no" in the back?
Is that... yeah, that's my wife.
How are you... oh, wait,
that's not her.
I'm just kidding.
She didn't make it
through surgery, she's dead.
How are you?
Ugh, I just... gonna...
I'ma need you to hold this.
Just put it between
your breasts, that's fine, um.
I'll come get it later.
Great, so...
Man, we hate to fight.
We'll make a white flag
out of anything, right?
We'll make a white flag out of
a fuckin' black flag.
[Clay] Where are you
in all this, Cass?
♪ tender piano music ♪
All those jokes about being
a single gal from Wink, Texas.
♪
[Clay] Fuck, the bartender
can tell jokes.
♪
Real laughter...
[exhales]
It's cathartic.
It's the current that
moves through an audience
when some truth
about who you are,
about who they are,
is revealed.
♪
Come on, Cass, you gotta
go out there and put those arms
around that messy part of
yourself and just...
♪
[distant laughter]
Get your ass on that stage.
Figure out what it is
that you have to say,
open a vein, and...
fuckin' say it.
[Sully] That's it, I'm
Sully Patterson, thank you guys!
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, give it up for
Sully Paterson, a...
genuine war hero
right there, man.
Coming to the stage next
right now is a real treat.
It's her first time
on the main room stage,
and quite frankly
it's about motherfucking time.
Easy on the eyes,
and funny as hell,
give it up for
Cassie Feder!
[cheers and applause]
Hey, y'all.
- [warm audience response]
- [cheers and whistles]
Yes, I am from Texas.
We do say "y'all."
Y'all's actually
Texas shorthand for
"We will shoot you,
all of you."
[audience laughter]
You know what's great
about being a single gal
in Texas?
Is making out in pickup trucks.
Girls, you have not lived
until you find yourself
in a lip lock
with a farm boy
who spent his afternoon
watching his daddy's cows hump.
[light audience laughter]
You ever have life
pull a trick on you
that you just
did not see coming?
You're just walking along,
all happy and stupid,
and wham.
Without you even realizing it,
life just
bends you over and tucks it
straight up your ass?
I lost a friend recently.
An ex-boyfriend, actually.
♪ faint ambient music ♪
Man...
[exhales deeply]
Did I ever love him.
He was Italian and swarthy.
And he had these, um,
these big blue eyes.
And not that he couldn't
be a dick too, 'cause he could.
Get her the fuck off the stag...
What?
For what?
[Cassie] Here I was,
this Jew from Wink, Texas.
Let me just put that
in perspective for you.
There's more Jews at
a Walt Disney dinner party
than there are in all of Wink.
[audience chuckling]
And I met my ex,
and, man,
I was just overmatched
right from the start.
You know you are overmatched
when you end up
blowing a guy
on the first date.
That's it.
The end.
You know what I'm talking about.
I can see you've done that
a few times,
haven't you, young lady?
I mean, I don't even
know what happened, really.
I was at dinner.
I was smiling.
I was nodding.
I was so interested in
everything he was saying.
One second, "Oh, my gosh,
lasagna Thanksgiving
instead of turkey?
No."
And then the next second, I'm
in the front seat of his Valiant
blowing him, wondering what
our kids are gonna look like.
[audience laughter]
[mouth full] If it's a boy,
let's name 'em 'Arry a...
[audience laughter]
And if it's a girl,
I'll name her Candace.
[audience laughter and applause]
I was so happy to be there
that I said thank you to him
afterwards.
[audience laughter]
I don't know what happened.
I didn't blow guys in Wink.
And then I'm in L. A.
for one month,
and I'm really thinking
about getting
my tonsils taken out
for performance purposes.
If my uncle knew
what was going on,
I could just see him.
[as Uncle] I can't believe
you're sucking Italian dick.
That's disgusting.
You got perfectly good
cousin dick
right ch'ere in Wink!
[audience laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
♪ uplifting music ♪
♪
[muffled lovemaking]
[muffled springs squeaking]
Oh, great.
I gotta take a piss.
When's this prick
gonna shoot his wad?
[Maggie moaning]
[Arnie] Ooh, yeah.
Oh, my God, yeah, oh!
[Eddie] You know
Lenny Bruce's first paying gig
was for 12 dollars and
a free plate of spaghetti?
I would kill for
some spaghetti right now.
Fucking starving.
[muffled lovemaking intensifies]
Z?
Yeah?
Where the fuck are we?
[Arnie's groans climax]
[Maggie moaning]
Hollywood, brotha.
[both laugh]
♪ Ringo Starr's
"It Don't Come Easy" ♪
♪
♪ It don't come easy ♪
Thank you.
♪ You know it don't come easy ♪
♪ It don't come easy ♪
♪ You know it don't come easy ♪
♪
♪ Got to pay your dues
if you wanna sing the blues ♪
♪ And you know
it don't come easy ♪
♪ You don't have to shout
or leap about ♪
♪ You can even play them easy ♪
♪ Forget about the past
and all your sorrows ♪
♪ The future won't last ♪
♪ It will soon be over
tomorrow ♪
♪ I don't ask for much
I only want your trust ♪
♪ And you know
it don't come easy ♪
♪ And this love of mine
keeps growing all the time ♪
♪ And you know
it just ain't easy ♪
♪ Open up your heart
let's come together ♪
♪
♪ Use a little love ♪
♪ And we will ♪
♪ Make it work out better ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Got to pay your dues
if you wanna sing the blues ♪
♪ And you know
it don't come easy ♪