I'm Alan Partridge (1997–2002): Season 1, Episode 1 - A Room with an Alan - full transcript

With his chat show and his marriage both over Alan is now living at the Linton Travel Lodge and DJing on the early show for Radio Norwich. He is desperate for a second series - so desperate he sees himself as lap-dancing for BBC controller Tony Hayers - but when he is told that no series will be forth-coming he attacks Hayers with a lump of cheese. He returns to his hotel room and, after a heart-to-heart with his devoted assistant Lynn, injures himself going for the mini-bar.

That was Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell

A song in which Joni complains that they paved paradise
to put up a parking lot.

Imagine - which actually would have alleviated
traffic conjestion on the outskirts of Paradise;

something which Joni singularily fails to point out -

perhaps because it doesn't quite fit in
with her blinkered view of the world.

Nevertheless, nice song!

It's 4:35 AM; you're listening to
Up In The Partridge.

(Rooster Crows)

And Now it's time for Alan's "Facts of the Day".

Crab sticks do not actually contain any crab

and from 1993 manufacturers have been legally obliged

to label them crab 'flavoured' sticks.

Another one of those - same time tomorrow.

(music intro) "Radio Norwich, the best music"

Pray silence please, for the Electric Light Orchestra.

The string back just gives you a bit of extra purchase.

Time now to hand over to meine breakfast host
Mr David Clifton; good morning to you sir.

And good morning to you Mr Alan Partridge, sir.

I heard your phone in and I liked your chat

with the guy from Swathan.

He was a whackey fella

yeah, yeah he was.

I actually think he was a bit simple.

I heard you laying into the criminals again there Alan.

The vandals got to your car again?

I'm afraid so; third time.

Scum. Sub Human Scum.

OK! It's 7am

Wakey Wakey! It's the breakfast show.

Here's Yazoo.

Lynne, message from Alan.

Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch Friday;

...Idea for film extravaganza; plot thus...

Malcolm McDowell (English Actor) is trapped in the future.

He is being pursued by a cyber punk from the past.

Played by Rutger Hauer.

That's a terrible idea - no one will watch that.

I'm not fully through there; I'll call you back.

(sings) "She's a killer Queen Gun.."
(Song by Queen)

(sings) "Guaranteed to blow your mind..."

Good morning Alan how are you today?

Classic Queen!

I'm very well thank you; how are you?
-I'm fine.

I like those earings; are they gold?

Yes, they're Rolled Gold.

Yeah, well that's not really gold is it; but eh...

still it's very nice.

Like little tears, little wax tears,
dripping from your ears, because they're sad.

Don't cry ears; your on the side of a lovely head.

Ah, good show this morning?

It was a belter; did you hear it?

Um, any messages?

Just the one from Bill Oddie.

Ah, did he leave a message?

-No, he never does.

Right well I'm afraid Susan I've got some very bad news.

I'm leaving you, you cow!!

It's its a bit of a joke there; backfired.

Nah I meant to say I'm going to be
checking out at the end of the week.

Are you going back to your wife?

No no, God, Carol No;
God no.

No no she's living with a fitness instructor.

He provides all her - sexual intercourse.

Sorry I'm...dry skin; I'm flaking again. Apologies.

I'm sorry about the cow earlier.

You're not a cow.

And if you were you'd be a lovely Jersey - ripe for milking.

-Just talking about cows.

Do you like milk?


I see. Can I talk to you about a rather delicate matter?

Oh excuse me; Sophie could you deal with this?

Ah Sophie

Mr. Partridge.

As you know at the end of the week
I'm meeting Tony Hayers of the BBC.

And he is Mr. Numero...One.

And the problem is I've got some rude adournings
on the side of my car

Can you still drive the car?

Well yeah yeah obviously that's..
Do you know what is says on the side of my car?


No...You're in the right ballpark;

It actually says "cock piss Partridge"

Is everything alright?

Mr. Partridge, um...

has got some rude graffiti

Graffiti? Well, in the hotel?

No no God..There's never any griffiti in the hotel.

Although in the Gents a couple weeks ago
I did see someone had drawn a ladies part.

It's quite detailed.

The guy obviously had talent.

But no..It's not the..
No, it's on the side of my car; It says

cock piss Partridge

which is illegal.

Is she new?
-Yes she is.

I'm basically driving around in an obsene publication.

I'd love to get my hands on the bastard.

Or bitch; might be a lady.

Could I take 5 minutes?
-Yes of course.

Is that given up for a fag? (cigarette)

Don't worry about your car Alan;
I'll get Michael to sort it out for you.

Oh! Talk of the devil!

Good morning Mr Partridge.

Michael I was just saying to Susan

A bit of a job for you

Unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again.

Vandals eh Mr. Partridge you know?
Makes you wonder what it's all "aboot".

-Aye you know - Vandals you know?!

What is it all aboot?

Oh! About! Sorry!

Sometimes it's different to understand the Jordi people

You know - what i reckon is that

if they had such proper jobs
they wouldn't be up to this
you know, lacquering every night.


What I'm saying is that, like

if they had there selves proper jobs, you know...

that they got into...

then a lot of them wouldn't "dae" it;
a lot of them is from broken homes.

I'm sorry that was just a noise.

All I got there was "broken homes".

And a broken home is not an excuse for evil.

You! Look at you!
Do you go around drawing, I don't know -
peep hole bra's on the wall?

Aye, but it was different for me like because you know

I was in the army when I was 17.

Well there you go; they taught you a trade.

Minor repairs.

Aye, that and killin'.


Oh aye, I've seen some terrible things mate.

What like three men burning in a tank going "Errr"

You wouldn't want to know Mr. Partridge.

I'll be honest I'm pretty curious.

I'd basically like to understand Man's inhumanity to Man -

and then make a program about it.

Anyway regarding the graffiti

if you could - ahh - kill that

...Missione di sci

I'll tell you what I'll do -
I do just like like a quick fix on it for now.

You're gone again! Good Night!

Idea for a program - "Lady Shapes with Alan Partridge".

I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages

from fat chubby ladies of the Renaissance

to hard face sour pusses

right up to 20th century well toned women like Sharron Davies

and , uh, Jet from Gladiators (Diane Youdale).

Jet from Gladiators to host a millenium barn dance
at Yeadon Aerodrome.

Properly policed it must not repeat NOT turn into an all night rave.

Would you like me to lap dance for you?
(addressing Hayers BBC Director)

uh uh; I want a second series.


I'll fight you! Sorry!

Come in; the door's open.

It's just me.

Ah, there's tea in the pot.

Oh good!

Do you want a cup?
-Thank you!

What have you got for me Lynne?

Well I've arranged for you to see a show house at 10 o'clock.

Well good; have you got my fungal foot powder?

Oh yes.

Ah! It's life saving;
I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these.

I also rang all the companies on the product list you gave me

Fosters Men's wear said YES, if you get the second series

and you wear one garment a week on air.

Monza said no to a free caravan (trailer) and yes to a tow bar.

I'll take it.

Ah, Dolpin Bathrooms?

They said that they don't do that sort of thing.

That's rubbish.

I know for a fact that Martin Lewis
got two power showers out of them.

One for him and one for his brother-in-law.

Right, dry skin cream...

Having an attack of the old flakes again.

This morning my pillow looked like a flap jack (pancake).

Ok Lynne, quick practice for this meeting
with Tony Hayers this Friday...

...so you be Tony Hayers.

Hello Tony how are you?

I'm fine.

How are you?

Oh very busy; ive been working like a
Japanese prisoner of war.

...But a happy one.

Would you like a second series of your chat show?

I think it will be a bit tougher than that Lynne.

We're not giving you a second series.

That's about right.

Ok, um small talk...

Would you like a cuban cigar Tony?

Oh yes please.

Rolled on the thighs of a virgin...

I'm being bawdy Lynne; enjoy it.

Well, he might make that noise. It would be a bit wierd.

Right. You said you might give me a second series;
why is there any doubt?

Things have to be compartmentalized, Alan.

For example, in this drawer...

You have - ahem - things.

And, um, sometimes you have too many things.

Abandon that, Lynne; it's not working.

Okay, doomsday scenario.

You, Tony Hayers, have decided not to give me
another television series.

Why? Be tough.

Well Alan the ratings for the first series started poorly
and went downhill from there.

Are you being Lynne? Or Tony?


Be Lynne again.

Can I have a second series?

Well who am I...
-Just say yes.

They were there when I moved in.

From Swafield to Cromer on 106.5,
to Hemsby on 106.9,
this is Radio Norwich.


Oh I like this.

Yes! Certainly enough room to swing a cat in here, isn't it.

You could swing a tiger in here.

You could couldn't you; yes.

Wouldn't want to though.

No unless it had been stunned.

They can manage to weigh the best part of a tonne.

Um, do you like the room?

Oh, yes very nice.

Lynne's not my wife.

She is my P.A.

Hard worker but there's no affection.

So you'd be living alone?

In fact the best thing I ever did
was getting thrown out by my wife.

She's living with her fitness instructor.

He drinks that yellow stuff in tins.

He's an idiot.

Is there a neighborhood watch? Sorry im very close to you.

Is there a neighborhood watch system?

I think so, yep.

Right, well I'll do my stint.

I'd want exspenses though.

Otherwise people start taking liberties;
before you know if you're mowing their lawn.

Shall we have a look at the rest of the house?

Yup ahuh.

One more question on the way here quite nearby I did see a

community centre with a mural on the side?

School for the deaf.

Right. That means there will be noise?
Or there won't be noise?

Difficult one to figure out, there.

But they're just deaf; they aren't deaf offenders?

They're just deaf.

After you.

Not you Lynne; stay here get on the phone;
pester Debenhams for

free lamps, free lampshades; whatever you can wangle.

Kitchen, obviously.
Ah lovely.

Has this kitchen been distressed?

yeah, it has yeah.

Right; what's this?

That's a cast iron egg tree, laquered. Is that included?

I mean it's not a deal breaker but I would like to know.

If you want to keep it, it will be kept; or not in fact.

Optional. Excellent.

What's this little sink here?

That's a rinser.

Yeah. Get rid of it.

Do you know what this room says to me? Aqua -

which is French for water.

It's like being inside an enormous foxes glacier den

which again to me is a bonus.

Yes! It's an extender!

Fantastic! That's the icing on the cake.

If King Arthur had had an extender on his table...

...it would have been a different story, really.

Well it wouldn't have been round.

-kick off.

It's very CLUEDO this house isn't it?

Colenol Mustard and the ensuite bathroom and the lead pipe.


I do like that toilet.

It's very futuristic isn't it..Very sort of

high tech space age.

I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on there.

In the 21st Century.

Mind if I - have a go?

Sure help yourself.

I'll have a go on the loo?

Oh Sorry!
I prefer to go alone.

Most most times. Thanks.

It flushed on the first yank!

I love this house!

One yank! Gone!

Alan, that was Tony Hayer's office on the phone;

they've put the meeting forward to 12:30 today.

When did you get this call?

Three minutes ago.

So what have you been doing for three minutes?

You were on the toilet.

Right. Was I on that long?

It was in that area.

We're going to have to zip.

Right, ok.

One more question about the house;

Petrol stations nearby?

Shell, about a quarter mile.

Right, has it got a Mini-Mart?


Ehh, scaled down supermarket; fits inside a Petrol Station.

Sells pies, antifreeze...
-yup, it's got one of those.

In that case, you've got yourself a deal!

I'll take the house.

Are you going to make an offer?

Ah yes of course; ummm

How much is it?

It's on at ?325,000.

Ahh, will you take ?324?


How many bedrooms has it got?

God my five bedroom bastard house!

Right, Lynne lets go off to the BBC.

I'm going to be back on tv in a few...
Did you used to watch my tv show?

Oh yes.

Did you like it?

I loved it.


What if Tony Hayers sees "cock piss partridge"
painted on your car?

Don't worry Lynne, I'll play it down.

... And it says Partridge I understand;
but then COCK and PISS.

A table for two sir?
-Yes please.

Sorry, you.
-Yeah; Name of Hayers.

If you'd like to follow me.

We've managed to rectify it though; because it now says -
by adapting it - It now it says COOK

where it once said COCK.

And it says PASS now, where it once said PISS;

so it's slightly less rude.

Would you like a drink first?

Um, I'll have a pint of bitter.

Ahh just a mineral water for me, thanks.

Actually I'll have a mineral water too.

Will you be having wine with your meal?

Not for me.

All this wine nonesense.

You get all these wine people, don't you; you know.

Wine this, wine that.

Let's have a bit of red; let's have a bit of white.

Oh that's a snavy bouquet.

Ooo this smells of basil.

Sometimes you just want to say sod all this wine;
just give me a pint of mineral water.

I don't think wine is the neatest thing any more;

You can get good wine in Texaco's now.

I'd love to make a genuinely popular wine program.

Can I just shock you?

I like wine.

Despite what I just said earlier.

At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house.

Just in fact.
-It's my weakness I'm afraid. I've got a cellar.

So have I. There's no wine in it.

A couple of bikes; some smokeless fuel.

And a bag of cement. Gone hard.

Are you ready to order?

A yes I think I'll have the fetucine a'la piata, please.

And could I have the same, please.

But this is straight pasta;
could we go with pasta in bows?

Sort of like a bowtie, but miniature;
sort of like like an action man bowtie.

-Yes that, with action man bowtie.

Anything else?

Um yeah I think I'll have some wine, actually.

Just get me 1/2 a bottle of Blue Nun, please.

I loved your article in the Guardian, by the way.
-I Love that phrase you use

it was very clever when you said
"revolution not evolution".

No it was the opposite; evolution not revolution.

Well, whatever.

Because that is me.

You know - because I evolve

but I don't


Or vice versa, you know.

I suppose what you are trying to say is

You don't want another Chris Evans on your hands.

No that is what we want.

Then I'm your man!

That's what I wanted to talk about Alan; your career.

I can see a lot of very exciting opportunities ahead for you.

Really I can.

Can I just say this is music to my ears.

Wo Wo what are you doing?

Pouring the wine out.

I want you to pout a little bit, let me sip it

and then pour the rest.

But I've already poured half.

It's alright.

That's fine; fill 'er up.

Here's to our future relationship with the BBC.

I don't think you should see your future just at the BBC Alan;

I just think it's time you for you to consider moving onto new pastures.

Have I got a second series?

There's so many opportunities...

Let me rephrase that:

Can I ; no actually ill repeat the question

have I got a second series?


Thank you; Forward to that...

-Ah Peter Hello.
-How are you?

Fine, Fine.

Alan this is Peter Leland;
he's revamping our current affairs output.

We havn't met but I've liked your conjecture.

Thank you very much.

Has he given you another series?

No he won't give me one.

Give him another series you swine.

Yeah give me another series ya shit.

Look Alan i don't want you to feel that the...
... I'll see ya later Peter

I don't want you to feel that the doors
have all closed here at the BBC;

If you come up with anything else then

please I don't want you to hesitate

Would you like me to lap dance for you?

Don't hesitate;
if you have any other ideas I'd be very interested

Here! Got them here!

Right, ok.

Shoestring, Taggart, Spender, Bergerac, Morse;

What does that say to you about regional detective series?

There's too many of them?

That's one way of looking at it.

Another way of looking at it is -

people like them; let's make some more of them.

A detective series based in Norwich called Swallow.

Swalow is a detective who tackles vandalism.

A bit of a maverick;
not afraid to break the law if he thinks it necessary.

I mean he's not a criminal, but you know...

but he will perhaps travel at 80 mph on the motorway
for example if he wants to get somewhere quickly.

Think about it; no one had heard of Oxford
before Inspector Morse.

I mean this will put Norwich on the map.

Why would I want to do that?

Yup, fair point.

Um right. Alan Attack!

Like the Cooke Reports

but with a more slapstick approach.

mmm no.

Arm Wrestling with Chaz and Dave
(British pop rock duo)

I don't think so.

Pitty because they were very keen on that one.

Right, well you'll like this...

Knowing "M-E" knowing you.

I Alan Partridge talk to M.E. Sufferers about their condition
[Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) ]

and you know we intersperse it
with their favourite pop songs

make it light hearted; you know give them a platform.

You've got to keep the energy up because...

Look - you don't like it! That's alright; that's ok

Inner City SUMO.

What's that?

We take fat people from the inner cities;

put them in big nappies (diapers) and then

get them to throw eachother out of a circle

that we draw with chalk on the ground.

No no that's a bad idea.
-Very cheap to make.

Do it in a pup car park.

If you don't do it, SKY (UK broadcaster) will.

I'll live with that.

Is that it?
-Well ah no no.

Cooking in prison.

A partridge amongst the pigeons.

What's that?

Well it's just a title.

Well no; opening sequence me

in Trafalgar Square (London) feeding the pigeons

going OH GOD!

I'm sorry; no; stop.

You Foster Link with Chris Eubank (boxer)

Monkey tennis?

There is to be no second series

and I've listened to your ideas;

I've listened to them all and I havn't liked a single one.

Tony, I've just bought a house.

It's got a Buck Rogers toilet!

One yank all gone.

We don't owe you a living.

You are someone who has a proven track record for making
mostly bad television programs.

That's bollucks, but go on.

It's not bollucks.

Your programs were appalling.

The ratings nigh of what we could have expected.

They started badly, they got worse.

(mocking) "They started badly yeah they got worse"

Your programs your programs

Alan you're making a fool out of yourself.

Who - Who do you think you are?

Unfortunately for you, I am the chief commissioning editor
of BBC television.

Ahh let's forget about all this.

Want some cheese?
-No thank you.

That's quite nice.

It smells. Do you want to smell it?
-No thank you.

Smell the cheese.
-No I don't want to.

Smell my cheese!
-No please.

I think that's quite enough thank you.

I've got cheese! This is cheese!

What are you sitting around for?
Havn't you got programs to make?!

After all you're on the BBC gravy train.

Wish I was.

Take this cheese.

How did it go?
-A bit badly.


It's got walnuts in.

Let's go.

I wasn't expecting that, Lynne.

That was a negative
and right now I need two positives.

You know one to cancel out the negative and another one

just so I can have a postivie.

Oh my God.

You know one can find some strength,
when you

when you're at your bleakest moments, if you

open yourself up to new ...
-Lynne I'm not going to your Baptist church.

You always get people when they're down.

I don't want salvation; I just want to be able to say

I'm Alan Partridge.

Join me tonight when my guest will be

I dunno - Chris Rea

Actually he lives in the area.

Could have had him over.

Right Chris.
-Hello Alan; didn't know you moved in.

Yeah just moved in. Last week.

I'm having a bbq. Fancy coming over?

I'd love to!

Do you mind if I bring my guitar?

I'd rather you didn't; its...

Do you like mini kievs?
-I love them!

But my wife's vagetarian.

Doesn't matter she can have fish.

No she won't eat that either.

Oh forget it!

You people!

Go on then; these people are starting to annoy me.

I'll tell you something you know;
they may have very nice tudorette style housing

but can they order an irish style coffee at 3am in the morning?

And get it delivered to the bedroom?

-Nope. I can.

I can; I don't need a cab ride.

Hi can I have an Irish Coffee delivered to the room please.


A can of Fanta?

Ah, Minibar. No I'll get it myself.




Right, minibar.

Kate Bush there; the lovely Kate Bush -
with "The Man with the Child in his Eyes".

Which brings us on very neatly to my next guest...

Mr Steven Brye, who's father

invented Cat's Eye.

Steven what was it like

being the son of the man who invented cats eyes?

Well I remember he came home from work
one night very excited

Do people ever turn off all the lights in the house
and run towards you with a torch to catch
the reflection in your eyes?

Well the idea of reflection of course
is what dad was interested in.

Just to interrupt you there Steven

It's time now for Alan's Fact of the Day.

Most Corn Flakes come from the USA.

We'll have one of those again tomorrow.

I remember I hit a fox once.

Yes in the Peak District;

I remember seeing the reflection
in his eyes before I hit it.
It was too late of course.

But I didn't quite kill him; that was the tragedy.

I had to go back and finish him off with a jack.

This is Hewey Lewis and the News.

No it's not it's Kate Bush; what am I doing. Sorry.

Hewey Lewis; there we go.

Oh Christ. Sorry.

No, sorry about that.

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