Ideal (2005–2011): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Money - full transcript

Come on fella, get a grip.

So, you're not a dad.

It's somebody else's.

And so what?

What's wrong with being a stepdad?

Stepdads can be useful.

I mean, look at stepladders.

-It don't matter to me, you know.
-Eh?

Everything I said yesterday still stands.

Come on. We should be celebrating.
Bouncing around.

I've just had three stitches.
I'm not getting on a space hopper.



Look, I don't know about moving back in.
It's too early.

Oh, come on, Nicki. I'm new-improved Moz.

I got rid of all me dealing gear.
I promise you.

From now on, this place is gonna be
a completely child-safe haven.

Morning, love.
We'd like to have a look in your loft.

The loft? There's nothing in the loft.

It doesn't rub off.

-Boy or girl?
-Boy.

- How old is he?
- Eight hours.

This is his first raid.

I know for a fact that you had
a full hydroponics setup going up there

-'cause I slipped in here just four days ago.
-Oi. That's breaking and entering.

-You get six months for that.
-I saw it with me own eyes.

You were hallucinating.
You sure you didn't touch any of it?



You only have to stick your head up there
to smell the stink of skunk.

And who are you? The odour police?

Look. It's the sniffer doggy. Aw.

-Congratulations.
-Thanks.

I see you decided against bringing balloons.
Shouldn't you be out solving murders?

Hey, as a matter of fact, I'm very close
to arresting the deep-fat-fryer killer.

Anyway, whose is the kiddie?
It's not mine, that's for sure.

-That must be a weight off your mind, Constable.
-Hey.

The offer still stands.
You move in with me, I'll look after both of you.

Why? Why would you want to do that?
He's not yours.

He's half Asian.

The police force is all about equal opportunities.

-What about Moz?
-Well, he'd never pass the physical.

Why have you got a bottle
of bionutrient growth fluid up there?

Personal use.
I'm getting a bald patch, do you see?

You think you're pretty clever, don't you?

Well, I try and watch University Challenge
if it's on.

Not a trace of hash or weed in the whole place.

Somebody tipped you off.
You knew we were coming.

I had absolutely no idea
that you were coming round here today.

- Cake?
- Double chocolate, that's me favourite.

No, I'm fine. Ta.

You rest assured that we will be watching
you very carefully from now on.

-Yeah, well.
-There's no need.

-He's given up.
-Given up what?

Meat.

I've gone total veggie.

From now on, the only thing
I'm eating are chunks of Linda McCartney.

Are they your kids?

No.

-Is that your blood?
-Um...

No.

Well, whose are they, then?

They're his.
I saw it drop out of your pocket before.

They're your kids. Aren't they?

Well?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're mine.
-And why would it be blood-spattered?

Nasty nick.

-You've got kids?
-What's it got to do with you?

They don't live with me. It were a one-night stand.

There's two of them.

It were a threesome.

Poppy and Craig.

-How do you know what his kids are called?
-It's written on the back.

Smashing kids.

Er, Poppy. She does horse-riding lessons.
And Craig, he's on the school football team.

Yeah? Which school is that?

Are you gonna bust us or what? I ain't got all day.

Right, come on. Let's go.

Thanks for coming. Your uniform has
really brightened the place up.

Oh, well.

That was a stroke of luck, eh?
Getting busted just after giving up dealing.

Don't bullshit me. You knew about the bust.

Getting rid of the gear's got nothing to do

with making a fresh start.

Yeah, well...

The fresh start was a by-product of the bust,
wasn't it?

- Who are you kidding that you've changed?
- Come on, Nicki. Chill out.

- It's a big victory over the totalitarian state.
- It's a victory over common sense.

Wonder who it's gonna be this time.
Vice squad or Customers and Exercises?

- Flying squad!
- Is Nicki here?

-Yeah, she's in the living room with Junior.
-No! Oh, my God.

I was worried sick. I was gonna phone the police.

Well, you just missed them. Be my guest.

-Is there anything I can get you?
-Tea, no sugar.

He's so sweet. Aren't you?
Sure you haven't got another one in there?

(GROANS) It's going to take a while
to wheel away my spare tyre.

I'll phone for a Kwik-Fit fitter.

Now, less of that.
People will start thinking rumours are true.

What rumours?
We're living as a couple if that's what you mean.

You realised that, didn't you?

I... I realised it, I...

I just didn't know I realised it.

It's... not yours, is it?

What?

There's not been some medical advance
that's passed us by.

-What are you on about?
-Nothing.

-Lack of sleep. Ignore me. I'm...
-God, I'm starving.

-Just the insignificant other.
-Do you know what I really fancy?

-A Cup-a-Soup.
-I've got some in the kitchen, I'll...

I'll get it. I know how she likes them.

Yeah, well, while you're up...

I'll get it.

Nicki.

You make up your own mind
what you're gonna do, but I've got to ask.

-Do you know who his real dad is?
-Hi, it's me.

Hey. I just found out something amazing.

Yeah. Me, too.

-Have you met Junior?
-Mmm-mmm.

I was thinking of calling him Sam.

But now I look at him,
he seems more like a Sanjeev, doesn't he?

Could you pass that to Nicki, please?

I'll do it.
I think you've given her enough, don't you?

-Did I hear you've got good news, Kuldip?
-Um, yeah.

I'm off to Barcelona for six months.
I got the, um, call this morning.

Doing a nightclub residency.
Maybe do a bit of engineering.

-I should go. I got loads of...
-Oh, no. Don't go.

I mean, you're part of the family now, aren't you?
Is there anything else you need?

Because everything that's mine
is obviously yours, isn't it?

Do you want to help yourself to food and drink?
See any heirlooms you like?

I'll give you me wallet.
Oh, no, better still, some of me bone marrow.

In fact, while you're there, why not just have me?

-I thought you two had an open relationship.
-Yeah, for about three hours.

And you popped right in there, didn't you?

Moz, stop it. It was just a one-off.
It's not like I sleep with everybody.

Oh, look at the adults in this room.
Do you want to do a straw poll?

Kuldip, I think you should go.
Nicki's tired. Come on.

Of course.

Listen. About the...

- The baby thing.
- We just call him the baby.

- I am dead sorry about...
- Getting me girlfriend pregnant?

-Yeah.
-It is borderline rude.

-I don't know what to say.
-Well, just fuck off.

We'll call it quits.

Right. We're off back to mine.

-You're coming back, though, yeah?
-I don't know. I'll call you later.

Bye, Moz. Thanks for looking after her.

So, pinning your future
on someone with no future?

I'll call you later.

I'll get some more Cup-a-Soups in.

Hi, hi. So, tell us about baby. Boy or girl?

And how does he look?
Cute as a button or miniature Churchill?

- More like Gandhi, actually.
- Right.

-So, before I come in, has Nicki closed her legs?
-Nicki's not here.

-I don't know, Brian.
-Oh, Moz.

Brian, this is making it worse.

Turns out she has been living in sin with Sangita.

-Eating sushi off barber shop floor.
-Eh?

Oh, right. Yeah, well,
I did tell you they were lezzing up.

-Well, I thought you were spoofing us.
-Oi.

There's knowledge inside this cue ball nogging,
thank you.

Reared by lesbians. What's he gonna grow up like?

Anyway, I thought you were going out
with Morticia next door?

God, can I choose me ladies or what?

Oh well. Thanks for all your support, Bri.

All them fisting stories
really helped take me mind of things.

-Yeah. Sure that Entonox is all finished?
-Yeah.

-You can lick the bowl out if you fancy?
-Oh, ta.

Ah, well. See you. Stiff upper lip.

Not dragging your mates and the dogs
along this time?

-Have you been celebrating or what?
-Aye.

I had a bit of good news.

-I got passed over for promotion.
-Oh, well done, fella.

See? I told you I could do it.

-Where's Nicki?
-Nicki's gone.

I love her, Moz. I love her.

You're pissed, fella.

Chuck yourself in cells for the night
and come back tomorrow.

Hey! I'm serious.

What?

You just took her for granted.
She needed a friend.

Friendship blossomed into sex
on Wednesday afternoons.

So what? You've come round
to ask for her hand in marriage?

-It's not your baby.
-It's not your baby, neither.

No, I know that. It's Kuldip's.

-Bastard.
-Bastard.

Come on. Fight you for her.

Fight? What do you think this is? Gladiators?

I'm not gonna fight you. I don't stand a chance.
You're specially trained.

Right. I won't use me truncheon and pepper spray,
but you can use your sumo skills.

- I ain't got any sumo skills.
- Come on.

Get a fucking move on!

Stemroach!

-Stemroach! Shit!
-Get in the bog.

Moz, you old twat.

-Stemroach. You all right, fella?
-You on your own?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Bring it in, lads.

Eh? What's going on?

-What do you mean?
-Kidnapping went like a dream.

-I'm a man of me word. Six grand.
-You said 15 grand.

-But six is fine. I'm not greedy.
-You're lucky, Moz. I only got four.

-So why is it so heavy?
-Notes are too easy to trace,

so we got the ransom in pound coins.

What am I gonna do
with six grand's worth of pound coins?

-What the fuck?
-No!

-I was just leaving.
-You're going nowhere. Cartoon Head?

Shit!

Bloody hell, what's going on?

Should we just leave him there, then?

Shut the door.

No. No, honestly.

Working with the cops. I bet you got
cameras installed in here and everything.

He's just a mate, you know that.
You've seen him round here before.

I promise you, Stemroach,
he was only hiding in there in fear.

- Hiding in fear from me?
-Yeah.

-I thought you liked people being afraid of you.
-Yeah.

I do.

Shall I finish him off? I've got me screwdriver.

-Hey, no. Leave him!
-Oi! I make the decisions.

Honestly. He's just a mate.

I've known him since school. He only come round...

-to see the baby.
-What baby?

-I had a baby last night.
-Is it still in there?

Me girlfriend just had a baby boy.

My gIrlfrIend had a baby boy last week.

-Of course, the wIfe's gone up the wall.
-Congratulations.

-Was you present at the birth?
-No. Too squeamIsh.

Sort of helps put everything into perspective,
doesn't it?

Doesn't it?

Need a slash.

Should put that somewhere safe.

Yeah. I'll pop it in an icer maybe.

Please don't kill me. Please, please don't...
I've... I've got kids.

Sweet.

Hang on.

-That looks like Poppy and Craigy.
-What?

This is Poppy and Craigy, me brother's kids.

Will you shut up about your fucking brother?

Don't do that, you heartless bastard.

-Sorry, son.
-No worries.

Come on. Let's leave these two dads In peace.

-But they're not even his kids.
-Shut up, bollock-brain.

One word, Moz.

One word to anybody
and I'll have you both slIced and dIced, okay?

Cheers, Stemroach. You're a gent.

Cheers, fella.

That turned out quite well, considering.

Look at me shirt. Clean on today that.

- I'll phone for an ambulance.
- It's Saturday night in Manchester.

You won't get an ambulance for
a common or garden stabbing.

Yeah. Maybe you're right.

If you'd had your throat slit,
you might have stood a chance.

Hey, I thought Stemroach
was gonna finish me off there.

So...

This duel to the death, is it off?

Aye.

There you go. That's covered it.

Oh, it's the bleeding lecky meter.

Oh, I bet ain't got a quid coin.

-Hi.
-Come in.

Um, I've been thinking about you and me,
and I think it might be worth giving it a go.

Giving it a go?

-You know, a relationship.
-What?

You mean drug me, shag me,
and leave me a video cassette?

No. A proper go.

What's brought this on?
Is it me embalming fluid aftershave?

You make me feel much more confident
in myself. Sorry.

Well... Don't matter what sort of people we are.

All that matters is that we crank up the heat
and give it our best shot.

I heard that on Ready, Steady, Cook.
You might want to use it sometime.

Blimey. That's me second bust of the day.

You make me feel comfortable, Moz.
You don't judge me.

- You don't expect anything of me.
- I wasn't expecting this.

What do you think?

I'm sorry, Judith.

I can't.

Is it about me being a necrophiliac?
Does that put you off me?

No, no. I mean, at least with you,
I know all your exes were definitely ex.

Could we just be friends?

That's what I could really do right now.

I don't understand. What's changed?

I'm a dad.

Come on. Pop your togs back on, and I'll show
you what I've been doing.

What? You've got rid of all your
skunk plants?

Yeah, but... You see what I've done?

-Smoked it all?
-No. I'm converting the loft into a nursery.

Look.

-What is it?
-It's a mobile.

It's to help stimulate little Sanjeev's imagination.

It's all done with coat hangers
and tin foil and Sellotape.

- Is it? Oh, right. Sorry, its great.
- Then there's the frieze.

Interesting.

Isn't it a bit impractical, though?
Climbing up a ladder with a baby?

I'm gonna give the loft a complete refit.

I'm gonna have a small stairway put in
over there, fill that hole in, and...

put his cot there,
move the mobile over so he can see it.

-Won't a refit cost a lot of money, though?
-I've just inherited a lump sum.

In fact, I've just been
investing heavily in electricity.

So, is Nicki gonna move back in with you?

Well, it might take a while,
but out of all the other competitors,

one's out of the country,
one's dying and the other one's just been stabbed.

I tell you, when Nicki sees this place,
her little face is gonna light up.

Moz! What are we going to do?

Panic.

Shit.

Shit!

Save the mobile!

Moz! Do you think we're safe here?

Not really. We're on the roof of a
burning building.

Hello, yeah? Yeah, I need a fire engine, please.

Yeah, it's 26 St Stephen's Road, Salford.

Yeah, we have got out of the building.
We're sat on the roof.

Well yeah, I know.
See you soon then, bye.

Hiya, mate. Nah, I haven't got any grass.

I'm out of business for the foreseeable future

See you, then.

Judith. I want you to know. If I die first,

you can have me body.

Thanks, Moz. You're a pretty cool customer.

Sorry.