Ideal (2005–2011): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Boss - full transcript

I stir it for five minutes,
until it becomes oleaginous,

whichever is soonest.

Then pop the bowl to one side for a moment.

Now it's time to grate a pound of kumquat pith.

Of course, the important thing to remember is

I sleep with dead people!

Sorry.

TROY: Oh, Moz! Pissing all over me room!

Soz, Nicki.

This is Troy FM. All Troy, all the time.

Toss FM! Angaah, ngaah, ngaah!



It's terrific!

Shout going out to Poxy.

Your mum looks like
she's made out of pipecleaners.

Get her off the whizz.

Straight from me arse, straight down the mike,
and into your ears!

Pick a year, add seven.

Take seven, add another two.

I'm shitting on your brains!

It's 1993! Ibiza! Tune!

Oh. Are you alright?

Yeah. Why?

Um, you haven't got rabies or anything?

I've still got headphones on, haven't I?

Oh, they're headphones.
I thought you were Princess Leia.



More like Jabba the Hutt.

Yeah, the big, fat, slimy, repulsive one. Sorry.

Come in.

I didnt mean to interrupt yoou,
So if you're busy with your foam

then just say, okay?

Of course not,
I can always pick up where I left off.

I just wanted to get my Tupperware box. Sorry.

-Eh?
-Um, the one I brought the cakes round in.

I've got to do another batch for my
course, so...

It's over there.

All right, yeah. Hang on.

I'll...just give it a quick sloosh out.

Just 'cause I'm a man don't mean I'm a slob.

Don't worry, you don't need
to go to all that trouble.

Yeah, well, we want it smelling fresh, don't we?

Moz, do you remember
what we talked about last night?

Uh, let me think.

Oh yeah. You...

confessed to being a necrophiliac.

Yeah. You're won't tell anyone, will you?

-Of course not. Who am I gonna tell?
-Everyone.

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.

If you consider The Munsters soft porn,
then that's your business.

You promise, though?

Promise.

-Hello.
-All right?

-Been in contact with the dead recently?
-What do you mean?

- Done any more seances?
- No.

You know, Is there anybody out there?

Come on! Raise the dead!

Thank you. Um, where's the lid?

- I'll.. I'll have a look for it later.
- Okay.

- See ya.
- Good bye.

Signor Moz, you stink.

You scare the villagers. Time for a new T-shirt.

Do you fancy coming
to our Craig's memorial service next Tuesday?

No, ta. I don't really enjoy that sort
of thing.

C.H.?

Cartoon Head, Steve, Psycho Paul.

Alright, Morris.

Come in. Don't let's stand on ceremony.

Got some nice coke if you're interested.
Straight from Columbia. Mule fresh.

No, ta.

If I want the cocaine experience,
I'll just go and flush a few tenners down the bog,

and then sandpaper inside of me nostrils.

Make a good profit on this. Could
cut it with baby laxative.

What is this myth with baby laxative?

Have you ever seen baby laxative
for sale anywhere?

- Never looked.
- It don't exist.

What would be the point of it?

If there's one thing babies require
absolutely no help whatsoever doing,

is filling nappies. It's all they bloody do!

Cut it with something else then. Vim.

I'm not cutting it with owt, Paul!
I don't want it. I do hash and weed.

Specialist in combustible consumables
established 1992.

- You should branch out.
-I'll branch you out in a minute.

Where are you? I said for you to meet us here.

Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did.

Oi, you're cruising for a dumping.

You dumping me? I don't think so.
I'm dumping you.

And when I dump'em, they stay dumped.

Oh yeah. I'm coming over there right
now to dump you face to face.

Yeah, I can. I can be over there in five minutes.
I move like minced lightning, me.

Yeah, well, I'm coming to dump you now,
so you'd better be in.

The police have been questioning people
about our Craig's murder.

Nine months on? They'll never find the killers now.

-They might.
-They fucking won't.

Ian! All right, fella? How the devil are you?

Am I glad to see you.
I was wondering when they'd send some back-up.

-Oh, aye, yeah, what were you doing?
-You might well ask.

I've been installing some cameras.

- Where?
- In there.

-What are you looking for?
-Cartoon Head. He's in there now.

All right, yeah.

Thing is, I got stuck in there,
overnight, in the loft.

-Loft, yeah. Right up in the loft, yeah.
- He's got a hydroponics setup.

Exactly like the one we took from that
scout leader in Eccles.

Yeah, well, they all look
the same these days, don't they?

Maybe, but one of the plants
was wearing a woggle.

-Right, well, best get off, yeah? Come on.
-Yeah, right, okay.

By the way, Morris, don't forget,
K-Day is approaching.

So, are you in or are you out?

I'm out.

I keep telling ya, I'm not getting involved
in any of your mad kidnapping schemes.

When are you gonna learn to take
'No, no, no!' for an answer?

You've got Dick and Dom here,
what do you need me for?

I said are you in or are you out?

I'm in.

And what sort of rallying call's that? You?

Now listen.

What the bleeding hell's that?

This is whack! I can't hear myself threaten you!

He's me brother!

-Is he a robot?
-You what?

Who's the boy? Troy's the boy. Who's the boy?

Hey, stop it. Hey, get fucked!
I'm broadcasting here!

Bit of a rodent infestation, folks. Back in a bit!

Can I not get one minute's peace?

No, it's not safe!

Evil.

I'm off down Maplin's. Get this lot looked at.

Got our Try FM listeners down.

I wouldn't worry.
I reckon they've got minimal expectations.

You could have killed him!

I told him not to touch my equipment.
This is pirate radio. It's a dangerous medium!

Shitting hell.

That's weird.

What? Has he got two hearts? Is he from Gallifrey?

No, it's... He's got a pulse, right? But...

-he hasn't got no heartbeat.
-Eh? Can't be right.

He best not be dead.
I'm sick of folk dying round here.

He's got a bleeding bullet-proof vest on.

It's ironic, really, seeing as it was electricity
what electrocuted him.

I've always fancied a bullet-proof vest. Cosy.

-God, I tell you, I thought he were a goner.
-Aye, and me.

We need to try and get this...

- Oi! Rain man, what are you doing?
- Trying to get his mouse mask off.

Never do that! Never!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I thought he might need some air.

The mask doesn't come off.

-But it's...
-Never!

- Why?
- Because it doesn't.

Cartoon Head couldn't take it off
even if he wanted to.

It's a permanent fixture.

I don't understand.
Has he booby-trapped his face?

Leave it.

-But I just...
-Leave it!

Or you're out of the gang.

Permanently.

Someone gotta look at him though.

You can't just take Cartoon Head
to a normal doctor.

It's a pity Rolf Harris
ain't still doing his Animal Hospital.

Nobody move.

Moz? Are you gonna let us in?

I'm on probation.

Keep you mouth shut.

Mo-oz.

You all right?

I can see you there,
crouching down in the hallway.

I can see a couple of other blokes 'n' all.

Looks like our Paul maybe.
Don't recognise the other bloke.

I can see...

Yeah, no, I can see someone else in there
laying down next to you.

Oh, yeah, now you're standing up.
Yeah, and you're coming towards the door.

Colin!

I do not need a running commentary
on what's going on in me own vestibule!

Oh, it's Cartoon Head.

-Hiya!
-All right, Glasses.

-What's up with him? He looks fucked.
-He had a bit of a shock.

Masked Salford Man Wins the lottery.
No publicity.

What?

Electric shock! Ten thousand volts.

-Ten thousand?
-Well, I don't know, Col.

However many thousand volts it takes
to knock a man out.

-That many thousand.
-Don't think that he's in a coma, do you?

Have you checked the pulse?

The pulse. Oh, yeah!
What a brilliant idea, Doctor Finlay.

Yes, we've checked the pulse!
He's pulsing fine, thank you.

Anybody need a new passport?

What? I've got a passport!

Yeah, you've got a passport. Never know
when you might need a spare.

Here, go on. Any one you fancy. Fifty notes.

Colin, generally speaking, I like my passport
to have my name and photo on it.

This would be more use to a Mrs Claire McCourt.

Some got blokes on them.

There you go. Dean Warfield.

Colin, he's black.

-Anybody else?
-No, ta. Already got three.

Have you got anybody famous?

Don't know. Have a look.

-I wouldn't mind being Alan Shearer.
-You've already got his charisma.

Don't take his mask off.

Of course I won't.
I'm not a moron, I'm on probation.

Shit, Paul, what we're gonna do?

Gonna call the boss.

-What boss?
-Me and Cartoon Head's boss.

He's in charge of that little bit of business
we were discussing earlier.

All right? It's Paul.

Psycho Paul.

No, no, everything's fine. It's...it's all good.

Look, I'm sorry to bother you about this, but,

um,

something's happened.

So this boss of yours, then, is he a doctor?

Let's just say he can sort out most stuff.

You might have heard of him.

Stemroach.

Please tell me Stemroach isn't coming round here.
No, Paul, please.

Yeah. Yeah. He'll be round in five minutes.

Tops.

Shit, I've got to go, Moz.

You know, 'cause me on probation and... See you.

Oh, no. Not Stemroach, please. Anybody but him.

Did you just say
Stemroach was the boss of the gang?

-'Cause I thought you were the boss.
-I said I was the leader, not the boss.

Oh, have you got a treasurer?

What's he like, then? What's all the fuss about?

Stemroach is the bloke
who gave Cartoon Head his mask, all right?

Brilliant.

Stemroach. Nice to see you, fella.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Shut your mouth,
or I'll break your face.

Come in.

ThIs place Is a dump.

Yeah, sorry. The Dyson's bust.

-What's up wIth Cartoon Head? He looks fucked.
-Electric shock.

He's been like that for about an hour.
Strange to see him so quiet.

C.H.

Have you taken hIs pulse?

Good idea! Great idea! Why didn't
anybody else think of that?

What are you ringing for? I've dumped
you.

From now on you're just an anecdote.
No one mucks me about.

You might look like butter won't melt in your arse,
but I know what you're really like.

Take you back? No way, gay.

There is nowt you could ever say
that would get me back round yours.

What sort of present?

What, proper Prada?
In my size?

Oh, well. Sounds like you've learnt your lesson.

Yeah, okay. I'll be back round in five, yeah.
Hey, shall I get a bottle of Cava?

Yeah, alright. Yeah, great. I know
I'm fabulous.

Yeah, well, some are born great,
and some have greatness

thrust in and out of them.
Alright, see you in a minute.

Yeah. Still there.

What do you think we should do?

He'll be okay. If he isn't, he isn't.

That's the spirit.

Did Paul mention our little business
opportunity?

He did...

He did mention it in passing.

I take it you're in.

Oh... No, actually, I'll...

I'm out.

I'll be frank. It isn't you we need.

-Oh, thank God.
-You're totally dispensable.

It's your flat we're after.

What do you mean?

We need somewhere to keep our guest.
Just for a couple of hours.

That's all we want.

A kidnap victim here?
We're not even supposed to have pets.

There's money in it for you.

Keep it tidy, sunshine. How does 15 grand sound?

It...

It sounds like

(STAMMERING) a lot.

We don't need visitors.

I'll just go and tell whoever that is
to piss right off.

Don't want any bother in my manor.

-Jenny.
-You all right, Moz?

I'm really busy right now.

-Nicki in?
-No! I've told you, she don't live here any more.

-Still?
-Eh?

I really need to use your toilet.

All right, but I'm really busy.

Just do whatever you have to do, and then
go straight off, yeah? Okay?

You won't even know I'm having a wee.

Nice.

Stemroach.

I've been thinking.
Surely there's better flats you could use?

Look. See that room there?
Above Cod Amongst Men?

Look. Stripped pine floorboards,
yucca plant in window.

You'd be laughing, and you'd have chips on tap.

Tell him the plan.

The guy we're after
goes to this escort girl round the corner.

He goes there three, four times a week.
Different times, different days.

I've been keeping watch on the flat.
I reckon he shags her and all sorts.

Cartoon Head goes in, blindfolds him,

we take him out the back,
through the garages on the end of this block,

in your back entrance and up here.
Nobody sees us, three minutes max.

We make a phone call to his missus.
Two hours later,

We pick up the cash, drop him off,

pop back here with your share,
and Bob's your uncle.

The lads are gonna put masks on.
Except for Cartoon Head, obvIously.

What about your voice?
I mean, they'll recognise your voices.

My iPod's got every single '80s Number One on it.
He's gonna have that taped onto his ears.

Eye of the Tiger. All the other ones.

Eye of the Tiger? Have you not read the
Geneva convention?

Two hours, one day this week.
All you have to do is not make a fuss,

and you're 15 grand better off.

Are you in

or are you out?

-The thing is...
-Or Paul could kick you ugly.

You wouldn't, would you?

Course, no problem.

So, are you in

or are you out?

I'm...

I'm in.

Good lad.

Jen! I thought you were gonna get straight off!

I know, but I wanted to tell you something.
You know them ba...

- Oh hiya!
- Hiya!

Is Cartoon Head alright? He looks fucked.

He's just having a kip.
He's had a big morning. He's all tuckered out.

Oi, bitch! Piss off!

What was that?

Hop it!

Oh, it's you doing it.

I thought there were a Dalek in here for a minute.

Come on, then. Things to do.

Before I go, can I have a go on your talker?

That is so funny.

- Jen!
- What?

I'm gonna break your face.

Sorry. I tuned out for a sec.

-Cartoon Head!
-C.H.!

PAUL: You all right?

See ya. Oh I remembered what I were
gonna tell you.

Will you let Nicki know

that Asda are doing a special deal
on them baby grows that she were talking about.

You can get 2 packs of 3 for a fiver.

But tell her if she wants the plain white ones,

they're one pack of four for four.

Nicki doesn't live here.

She's moved out for good.

Right. See ya.