Ideal (2005–2011): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Stag Do - full transcript

Time to clock on.

Summat smells nice.

Owen wants to set up a gym.
Tell him the plan.

I want to set up a gym.

I'm gonna join. I love exercise.
Hey, I might run the London Marathon.

You wanna be careful. Watched it last
year.

Half of them finished in wheelchairs.

You never thought about getting into
shape, Moz?

I am in a shape, thank you.

I'll have you know I have a very
distinctive outline.

Why have a six-pack
when you can have a whole barrel?



Alcohol is just empty calories.

Well I'll have you know, empty calories are
better for you than normal calories.

'Cause they weigh less.
I mean, they're bound to. They're empty.

Come on, join his gym.

I run a mile from exercise, me.
Well, I amble a mile from exercise.

You're the same Brian. Gym?
You'' have a paddle down jacuzzi,

you'll talk about how thick the towels are,
you'll never go again.

Oi, I've got a stick-at-it-ness, thank you.

"Stick-at-it-ness"? You?

You come round here
with a different toyboy every week.

I think you get them out of Kinder eggs.

Right, then,

There's skunk, theres Thai stick,
and there's squalid solid.

Ooh, I've got too many choices. Too many
options. I'm like a voyeur at an orgy.



Can you knock us together a bit of each?

- It's not a tapas bar, you know.
- What's the skunk like?

It stinks and it get you stoned.

- I'll take an eighth of that, then.
- Okay.

It's just empty smoke, you know.

I'll take a quarter of Thai stick. Mad.
I'm supposed to be cutting down.

Cutting down? Where's your
"stick-at-it-ness"?

Oh, yeah, I saw your Nicki yesterday.
She's remarkably pregnant, isn't she?

Yeah, but she's not my Nicki.
She's her Nicki. We've split.

Ah, well, the Rohypnol was bound to wear off
in the end, weren't it?

She moved out three weeks ago. Keep up,
Brian. I thought you said you read Heat.

You two. You see fewer splits with
a DIY perm.

What you doing?

Working on me tension zones.
It's asymmetrics.

Gay maths?

I reckon Nicki's moved out for good
this time.

I'm me own boss.

I go to bed when I want, I wake up when
I want.

Not necessarily in that order.

What are you gonna do when baby's born?

I dunno, Bri. We're still working out
fine details.

Her people are gonna shout at my people.

- She's moved in with Sangita for the
time being. - Has she?

Ooh, we'll be talking girl-on-girl
action, then.

Nicki and Sangita? Give over.

As far as I know, Sangita's never had
a boyfriend.

And she works for council.
So you've got to wonder.

We'll come round and see you again
sometime.

With his record, I don't think that's
likely.

- Oh. Hi, hi.
- Oh, erm, hello.

Hiya. Just movin' in?

Yes. This is my last lot of stuff, so...

I remember last time I moved.

I did five trips and two E's.
So that livened things up.

Sorry, what's your name?

Oh, it's... Judith. I'm Judith.

Moz.

So you know Brian, then?

Erm, no. Well, yes.

I mean, no.
I know... a friend of a friend.

I mean, he is a friend of a friend. Of mine.

That we both know.

I'd, uh, offer to help, but that'd be
sexist.

No. I mean, no, thanks. I'm okay.

Sorry.

See you again then.

Sorry? Oh, yes. Goodbye.

She were undressing me with her eyes.

I best change me undercrackers.

Yah! This is Troy FM.

Who's the boy? Troy's the boy!

Who's the boy? Me!
This is Troy FM, all Troy, all the time.

Tune!

How's the multiple choice dad thing
working out?

I never thought I'd say this, but I
think you and I need a little chat.

Look, I know you saw what happened in here
on Moz's party.

It weren't my fault. I only came in
for a pee.

Fell in bath,
next minute there's a two-hour floorshow.

It were great.

Anyway. I really appreciate it. Your not
saying anything to Moz.

I'm saving it.

Next time Moz is coming on all big time,
putting us down, calling us Gollum,

moaning that I put too much tea in his tea,

I'll unleash it on him. Bolt from the blue.
Blow his head off his fucking shoulders.

Power his knowledge.

I got a key,
I got a secret, I got a key to...

- Stop singing.
- Urban Cookie Collective, 1994.

I saw your missus yesterday. The lovely
Donna.

She's an angry girl.

She doesn't know anything about your
living back here, does she?

No.

No? And what do you think she'd do
if she found out?

- Come and get me.
- Come and get you.

But I didn't tell her you were living
back here.

Because I think it's rude
to tell other people's secrets.

Don't you?

Yeah.

Hi-hi. Still got the front door key,
then?

You know I have.
So I can come and go as I please.

Handy.

And what would happen if you came in
and I were having sex with someone else?

I can wait two minutes.

Nothing much changes round here, does it?

I left everything
exactly the way it was the day you left.

Mark of respect.

- What about all the new rubbish?
- Well, that shows I'm trying to move on, don't it?

It's all a big joke to you, isn't it?

Nicki, if we can't have a laugh about...

I mean to say, having a laugh is
what sets us apart from the animals.

Apart from the hyenas, obviously.
They like a good laugh.

What you doing?

- Making a list.
- Am I on it?

I'm hiring a van to pick up my stuff.
Trying to see how much there is.

Bong?

Moz! Do I look like I need a bong?

- Yeah.
- I got a baby in here. Remember?

Why would I want to filling myself up
with smoke?

So that when the kid makes his big entrance,
it'll be like on Stars In Their Eyes.

He steps out of a cloud of smoke.
"Tonight, Cat, I'm gonna be a baby. "

- How's life chez Sangita?
- Totally chilled, thanks. No arguing.

I expect you miss the sex though.

You'll be missing your sex if you don't shut up.

Right. I'm done here.

Nicki, move back in.

You know I'd welcome you.

I'm like BT, not too proud
to welcome back deserters.

No, Moz. There needs to be some changes.

I am not bringing up a baby here with
you dealing.

You want me back? Get a proper job!

Re-train? At my age?

Sort yourself out, you bloody oaf!

Who was that?

Um, I don't know.

- I'm sorry, don't you know her?
- No.

- Thank God, eh?
- Um, wasn't she in your flat?

I think she might be a cat burglar.

A pregnant cat burglar?

That was me telly.

- Thatcher's bloody Britain.
- It's not Thatcher any more.

It's, um...

The man one.

I like your mat.
Do you treat them like boyfriends?

Sorry?

You should get your boyfriend
to help you with all that.

Oh, I don't have a boyfriend.

Can I help you?

Um, it's all, um...

I've put it all down now.

Blimey, it's the Plastic Ono Band.

Hello, Moz. Happy to see you!

Just seen your missus. Pregnant and
shouting. Not a good combo, that.

Unless you're in labour.

Derrick, she's not my missus.

I'll see you later. Sorry. Soon.

Sometime.

Sorry.

Eh, this will cheer you right up.

We brought you a dwarf lettuce.

Wow.

- You still coming out with us tonight?
- Tonight?

The stag do. All lads are gonna be
there. It's gonna be a riot.

- Riot, yes.
- Yeah, I can imagine.

We're meeting for a drink in The Horses
at 9:00.

Gotcha. What next?

- Stay till last orders, like.
- A night to remember and no mistake.

And after that, who knows?

Yeah, who knows?

Yasuko's grandma's sent us over a big box,
loads of goodies in it.

For the wedding reception.

Yes. Crystallised chrysantemum,
shark-fin soup,

er, fermented beans,

- sweet jellied cabbage, blowfish cubes.
- Lovely.

Stop, I'm starting to salivate here.

Do you realise, Moz, if it hadn't been
for you, Yasuko and me wouldn't have met

Don't bear thinking about, does it?

It's like nitro would have never been
introduced to glycerine.

Moz, er, we want you to be best man
for our wedding.

Really?

Yeah, I'd love to. Nicely nicely.

Hang on.

- Would I have to do owt?
- Nah.

Brilliant! First time I been best at owt.

Well good!

- So, what you're after, a quarter?
- Nah, I'll just have an eighth, ta, Moz.

- Derrick is cutting down.
- Is he? Saving yourself for the big riot?

- Bro, bro, bro?
- What?

- I think I'm getting a hunch.
- Eh?

Getting a hunch! On me back! I felt it!

- I've sensed it in the mirror. Will you
have a look? - I'm busy home making!

- Have I got a hunch?
- Yes!

I'm very sorry, but yeah.

You've got a hunch.

- Good luck with it.
- I can't believe it.

One minute you're happily getting
mashed in your room,

next minute you've got a hunch.

- Get the door, will you?
- Looking like this?

What, so they can call me Igor?
Are you out of your tree?

No, but someone here is.

Oh, it's you. I thought you was
Woody Woodpecker.

What? All right. Nice one, Porky Pig.

- Hey, I'm on probation. Can I come in?
- Yeah, now you've got the secret knock.

- What you after? Eighth?
- No, ta, Moz, I'm cutting down.

Not another one.

You of all people.
I mean, you ain't got that much to live for.

There were some bloke in a car across
the way looking at me with his binocs.

Could be a pervert.
I don't need that. I'm on probation.

Nobody's watching you. You're paranoid.

They're not watching me,
they're watching your house.

- Who?
- The men with the binocs,

- they're watching your house.
- They're not watching me house.

- They are.
- They're not.

They are. Look. Look, they're leaving, look.

Oh, no, they've gone.

Do you need any mace?

Colin, you're trying to sell me something.

specifically designed to protect me
from people like you.

Three for a fiver. It's a-mace-ing.

- Oh, come on, mate, I'm on probation.
- Put them away.

Eh, you going Derrick's stag do?
It's gonna be a total riot.

Colin. It's a few pints down the Horses
with Derrick.

It's hardly a PCP binge
with Iggy Pop on Sunset Strip.

Yeah, well, you should come.
Cartoon Head's lined up summat triple spesh.

All right, Jenny, you've bloomed.

Me and the bump have come to score.

Haven't we? Yeah..

Now, I am obliged to warn you that
smoking during pregnancy is contraindicated.

Do you mean it's free?

No.

I've got a selection box for you.

Skunk, Thai, or black.

Mmm...

- I can't choose.
- Well, what do you fancy?

Mmm...

- I can't choose.
- Try.

I can't.

Do you want cheap and cheerful
or reassuringly disorientating?

I can't think.

This being pregnant shrinks your head.

Be careful. You don't wanna go
down a hat size.

Tell you what, have some Thai stick.

All right.
I'm thinking of cutting down soon, though.

- Why?
- Motherhood changes people.

You have to have your wits about you
when you're in labour.

- You're thinking for two now.
- Mmm.

So, do you know what it's gonna be?

Thai stick.

No, what sort of baby it's gonna be.

Oh yeah! I mean, no.

I don't wanna know.

I'll be devastated if it's not a girl.

Hoping for a water birth.

I was gonna book it in at Parkway Baths,
but I've got a verruca now so I'm not sure.

Yes, I know you do.

You...

I know. Ah.

Cartoon Head. Looking good.

Psycho Paul.

Steve.

Hiya. Our Craig's not turned up here,
has he?

No. I've not seen him.

Aye, he's been away for months now.
That's not like our Craig at all, that.

Ah, well, he's probably just
got blasted somewhere.

- Going Derrick's stag do?
- Not sure if I can be arsed.

It'll be a riot.
Cartoon Head's lined up summat spesh.

- What is it?
- Keeping schtum, aren't you?

See, I thought he should make an effort.

Seeing as he turned down the chance
to be his best man.

Derrick asked you to be his best man?

And me. I couldn't be bothered either.

- Right.
- Me neither.

He asked you?

- What's he thinking?
- He not asked you?

- Who wants some gear, then?
- I'm giving up the gear.

What, you and all?

Smoking's ace.

It's what sets us apart from the animals.

- Except for Beagles, obviously.
- Nah, I'm giving up dealing.

Right. Can you get patches for that?

Dealing's for mugs.
You're bound to get caught in the end.

From now on, we're making big money
without the fuss.

- So what's your new business, then?
- Kidnapping.

- Kidnapping? Are you mad?
- 'Course he is. He's Psycho Paul.

Who you gonna kidnap?

Don't ask and you won't find out.

But I'll tell you something. It's a big one.

It's a big one.

- It's not me, is it?
- No.

That's why we come round. We need
your help.

- Me?
- So, are you in or are you out?

I'm out! Definitely out!
Not interested.

100% not interested. Dis-interested.

I said, are you in or are you out?

Out.

Ah, it's Morse. Come in.

Hello, Moz. I'm just in the mood for
a 10-99.

Cartoon Head, looking well.

- All right, lads. You look like you're
up to no good. - Fuck off.

Sorry. You still dealing?

- Nah. Moved on to better things.
- Good lad.

Why do you always have to
make the guests feel so uncomfortable?

There you go. Another pound of freshly
busted black.

- Metalwork teacher in Broadbottom.
- Nicely nicely, Brothers Isley.

Eh, there you go, it's one I prepared
earlier.

Looking glum. What's up with you?

Had your walkie-talkie nicked again?

I've had a bit of bad news, as it happens.

- I been recommended for promotion.
- What?

- I'm very disappointed in you.
- I know.

Worse bit is, if I get it, I'm behind a
bloody desk.

Off the beat, away from bong.

What's going on round here?

Everyone's giving up or cutting down
or packing in.

Now you're selling out.

I am not selling out.

It's not my fault
I been recommended for promotion.

Where am I gonna get my merch from
if you become a desk jockey?

Try getting embroiled in some scandal
or summat.

What's the point? Official enquiry would
be bound to clear me name.

Hey! Going to Derrick's stag do tonight?
It's gonna be a riot.

You bringing your big plastic shield, then?
It's Derrick.

His favourite conversation topic is
soil types.

Ah, but Cartoon Head's
arranged a special surprise for him.

Yeah. A big cabbage shaped like a
carrot.

- What is it?
- Nah. Sorry.

I feel bad enough as it is,
what with turning down best man job.

Gotta go.

What, your spidey senses tingling?

Hey, don't worry about promotion.

I'm gonna do everything I can to beat
this thing.

Ah, it's good to smoke the green, green grass
at home

- Come on, let's put some tunes on.
- Hello.

Just roll up, will you?

Right. I'll get some beers.
Everybody keep up the good work.

Hey, somebody put some tunes on.

Check this out. White label.
You can't help but dance to this.

I'm not dancing.

It's your stag do. We want to see you
have fun even if you're not.

Besides, dancing is what separates us
from the animals.

Apart from the, uh, Charleston Monkey.

I am not dancing.

You'll dance. You will.
You won't be able to prevent yourself.

I am not dancing.

We have ways of making you funky.

Get out of me fridge and into me life.

So when is this riot gonna kick off, then?
When should I be filling up me Molotov cocktail?

Well, Cartoon Head said
there's been a bit of a mix up

The surprise couldn't make it before
closing time, so they'll come here.

What is it? Strip-o-gram,
Mam-o-gram or Hologram-o-gram?

I can't say. I'm on probation.
Eh, Moz, can you do us an eighth?

'Course I can, fella. I admire your stick-at-it-ness.

Hey, Moz can you sell us an eighth?

Derrick, its your stag night.
I can sell you a quarter.

You lot, cutting down?

You've got the staying power
of a chocolate cock ring!

Hey, mate, sorry about turning down
the best man thing.

- I've got a court appearance.
- It's all right, you're on probation.

All right. Lovely to see you, Julie.

I.. I was going to invite you for a
house-warming drink.

but, um, sounds like you're busy, so...

Me mate's having stag do. Come in.

Um, oh, no. Thank you.

I don't think I'd make a very good
stripper.

Oh, I dunno. If you took your glasses
off.

I mean, obviously you'd have to
take everything else off as well.

Not that you... Not that I...

I didn't mean...

You could just...

Come in and have a drink. Clothed.

No thanks. I'll see you another time.

Okay.

Bye then, Julie.

- Um, it's Judith. Sorry.
- Judith. Of course it is.

That could've gone better.

No! There's been some mistake, it's not my birth...

Bloody hell, Derrick, it's party time!

Hello, who's this, then?

Hi, hi.

Shit, oh, bollocks.
- Brian? What...

I knew this was him.

- How'd your grow them busters so fast?
- They're dirigible, you dozy beggar.

Anne Summers, seconds basket.

Oh, I do like a white clean body.

Oh no, I'm gonna be sick.

- Eh, Casanova's popped his load.
- Watch me fucking records, you dick!

What you doing, you muppet?
Do you wanna...

Eh, come here.

Leave it out, lads, leave it. Eh, I'm
trained.

Now, come on.

Knock it off. Get off, get off him.

Well, you said it's gonna be a riot.