Ideal (2005–2011): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Body - full transcript

I'm trying to run a business here!

Nicki's gonna go mental!

It's a brand-new couch.
We only got it out of the skip last month.

Now it's... it's covered in JFK.

Guns and acid are a lethal combination!

In fact, guns on their own
are a lethal combination!

You should know that! It's your job.

What's this?

An invoice?
I didn't even want him killed in the first place!

And even if I did, the point of hiring a hit man
is that someone else does the dirty work for you.

In fact, the whole point is you don't end up
with a dead Craig all over your couch!



Get him out of here!
We're not even supposed to have pets!

Come on, think!
What about all your underworld contacts?

Come on, get your phone out! You must know
some kind of corpse wrangler or summat!

(HE DIALS NUMBER)

Come on, fella, please! Quote me happy.

You got someone? Yes!

I tell you what, when that gun went off,
I nearly fudged me Calvins.

But then, you know, I got this massive rush and...

No offence, mate.

- 'Ey! We'll throw a throw over him!
- (LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

- What?
- (RETCHES)

No, not throw up on him! Put a throw over him.

A throw!

God! You are so undomesticised.



Look! See? A throw!

Part sheet, part blanket!

- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Hello?

Shit! I'll look after him. You look after the throw.

Hello. You all right?

- Hey, your door was open.
- Was it? Shit.

- Hello, Moz.
- Hi.

Hey, Moz, Yasuko and me are gettin' married.

Gettin' married?
What, you and Princess Wet Wipe?

Married, yes. We spend life together.

We've already stuck our wedding list
up at Wickes. So, if you're passin'...

- I come collect my gear.
- I ain't got any gear!

No, her gear. Her backpack.

Oh, right. Your gear's in the kitchen.

So, er... what are you gonna do
about the language barrier, then?

No problem. I'm gonna learn advanced Japanese.

Advanced? Wouldn't you be better off
learning bog-standard Japanese?

Yasuko told me that advanced Japanese

is actually easier to learn
than bog-standard Japanese.

You do think I'm doing the right thing?
You don't think she's a bit borin', do ya?

- Do I think SHE'S boring?
- Be honest.

Fella, you're gettin' a mail-order bride
without paying the postage or packaging or owt.

You're quids in.

Besides, she kills 99 per cent
of all known household germs.

- All right, we'll see ya, Moz.
- Aye.

- Tara.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

(SINISTER MUSIC)

Hey, what are you doin'?

What the hell are you doin' that for?

Bloody hell, it's you.

It's you, innit? You're the Handjob Murderer.

(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

Course it is. Why am I so... thick?

Hey, don't grab mine, eh, fella?

No, man...
I use 'em all the time, you know, and...

I need 'em for...

Don't kill me.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Stay here.

- Hiya. You're back soon.
- Forgot me moby.

I... didn't expect you back so quick.

Not so soon.

You all right there, Sangita?

Keepin' busy these days, or... not really?

I'm doin' less and less these days.
I could be dead in 12 months, anyway, so...

- Yeah. You got anything planned beyond that?
- No.

It's a shame you haven't got one of them
jet pack things to wear, like in "Minority Report".

Like a little jet pack to ferry you around.
Ffffff! You'd be laughin'.

Moz! Sangita don't need to hear it, all right?

- She doesn't want us being all boo-hoo about it.
- Yes, she does.

- Stop talkin' about me like I'm not here.
- Yeah! Show her some respect! She's a cripple!

Moz! I don't view myself as a cripple.

- Yeah, but them crutches aren't just for fancy.
- No, watch.

Sangita! Moz is sorry.

Hey! Don't go talking about me like I'm not here.

- (KEY IN LOCK)
- God, what now?

All right? Thought you were living in married bliss.

Stabbed me again, didn't she?
Cake fork in the neck during "Diagnosis Murder".

- That's awful.
- I don't usually watch it. Me old room available?

Er... no. It's Nicki.
She doesn't really want you stayin' here.

I passed her on the stairs. Didn't say nothin'.

Yeah, but she's all bent up inside. Women, eh?

I'm soz.

You know if it were up to me, I'd bundle you
in that airing cupboard without a second thought.

Yeah, course.

Cheers, bro.

Take care, our kid.

Jesus.

(SLURPS)

You did tell him it's urgent, didn't you?
I'm gettin' deep-vein thrombosis just waiting.

Hey, have you got any fags?

Nice watches.

You starting up a neighbourhood watch scheme?

(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

- Jesus, it's not that funny, fella.
- (LAUGHS)

So how many people have you killed exactly?

Six?

Six, that's six.

It's six. You've got six fingers up.

How many is it, then?

That's six!

Jesus! You're completely off your box, aren't ya?

Did you see that?

Moved. He moved!

He's alive!

Bloody hell! Mrs Slocombe,
what have I told you about licking the dead?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Psycho Paul?

Psycho Paul? Is that what they call me?

Cool.

So, er... what can I do you for?

Cartoon Head sent for us.

Said he had a dead body needed shiftin'.

I assumed he'd killed you.

Thought we had to get rid of your body.

(CHUCKLES) Nice to see ya.

Yeah, well, nice to still be here,

with all the original features still intact.

- Shall I come in, then?
- Yeah.

You better had, yeah.

Yo, Cartoon Head! All right, mate?
You still trippin'?

Yeah, dead strong, this stuff, innit?

- You're not trippin' as well, are ya?
- Yeah, completely outside me tent.

Oh, great.

- This the body, is it?
- Psycho Paul, Dead Craig.

Dead Craig, Psycho Paul.

So how are we gonna get rid of it?

What?

I thought you knew what to do.

I thought that's why you'd come.
I thought you were gonna be like the Wolf.

Wolf? What?

What's he on about?

- Have you not seen "Pulp Fiction"?
- Yeah.

You know that bit with, er... John Travolta

and Samuel L Jackson.
Bloke that does the weird adverts.

- What?
- They've got to get rid of a dead body!

There's that bloke, the Wolf, he's called,

and he turns up and he knows exactly what to do.

And what's it an advert for?

It's not an advert for owt!
It's just... Just forget about that.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Ignore that! And think of a plan!
I thought you two were criminal masterminds!

- (KNOCKING)
- Just ignore it and think.

How can I think with that noise?

- Ignore it.
- I can't ignore it!

It's so loud I can smell it.

- (KNOCKING)
- Calm. Find your neutral space.

(KNOCKING)

Look, I'll go and see who that is.

You, come up with a plan.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- China.
- Oh, Moz!

- Mm, Moz.
- Yep. Yes, indeedy.

Mm. You were right about Cartoon Head.

- Was I?
- You said he were a total psychopath.

- We live and learn, don't we?
- At lunch-time, we both do a few E's, right?

Then about 2.00,
that wanker Psycho Paul turns up.

Shh. He's not that bad, is he?

So Paul and Cartoon Head
do three microdots each.

Three each?

That explains it.

Paul fight!

Explains what?

That explains why they're so out of it,
in your story. They are, aren't they? Out of it?

Totally. They were deliberately
trying to freak me out, sayin' weird gangster stuff.

I left 'em to it. And I've just text-dumped
Cartoon Head, and that's that.

(BEEPING)

(BEEP)

Well, you're a free agent now, aren't you?
Free to see whoever you choose.

The problem is, I'm still E'd off me tits
and, er... I really need a fuck.

- And you were the only person I could think of.
- Me?

I don't want you to read anything into this.
I'm just E'd up and frustrated.

I'm not interested in anything long-term.
I just... need a good seeing to.

I haven't got time.

I don't need long. A quick 69'd do me.

God.

It's a bit inconvenient, China.

- Have you got another woman in there?
- No...

Yeah! Yeah.

I'd be up for a threesome.

It's not...

...really my sort of thing.

- Too loud.
- Oh, well.

- Can I nip and use your loo?
- Yeah.

(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)

(WHIMPERS)

(WHISPERS) Threesome. Threesome.

All right, Col? You on probation?

No! Finished me probation. That's all
behind me now. I'm makin' a fresh start.

I've been tagged. Look.

Oh, right. Look, Col,
I can't invite you in 'cause I'm, er...

No, don't be scared of me tag. They're trendy.
All the kids round here got 'em. It's mint.

I know, they're this season's must-have.

But, er... I'm with a lady.

Oh.

She want any lino? Quality stuff.
Same they got down the probation office.

No.

Er... yeah. How much?

- Tenner?
- Fiver?

Cheers. Nice one!

- Didn't I see you at Moz's party?
- The other night? Yeah...

- Are you busy this afternoon?
- No. I've been tagged.

Great. Come on.

That did...

not...

happen!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah. Well, while you're laughing,
who's coming up with a master plan, eh?

Je ne sais moi, les Moz!

Come on!

Jesus! He's fiddlier than a Foodle Bird!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, come on!

You'd think between the three of us
we'd be better at rolling.

Come on!

Plod!

Get in here quick!

Well, take him with ya!

Oi! Don't make me get me screwdriver out.

All right! Give us a sec!

- What?!
- Where were ya?

Keep your decals on. I had to get
undercrackers and clothes and stuff.

- Walk around in the nuddy this time of day?
- My house, my rules!

Just busted this dealer in Wythenshawe.
Polish, he was.

Looked just like Dale Winton,
only blond with a Mohican.

H?agen grass.

(SNIFFS) Oh!

Nicely, nicely, Brothers Isley!

Shall we go through,
test-drive it with a bit of PS2?

Hey, busted! Broken!

Really busted! I... I poured lager on it.

- Accident?
- No, I thought it were thirsty!

- Yes, accident.
- Oh. It's not my lucky day, is it?

It's nobody's lucky day, fella.

- Is that blood?
- Eh?

On your throw. It looks like blood.

N... no, that's where I spilt a bottle of wine!

Oh.

Best be off. Got to call in downstairs.
Bit loopy, is she?

Mrs Coneybear? She's barmy.
She's always knocking on the ceiling.

From the moment I wake up and crank up
the speakers, she makes my life hell.

Reckons there's blood
dripping through her ceiling.

I wouldn't bother going down.
It'll be that bottle of wine I spilt.

Oh, aye. Course it will.

- Blimey. What's this?
- It's just lino.

Looks like what they have
down the probation office. Chuckin' it out?

Yeah.

- Can I have it?
- No. They were chucking it out so I brought it in.

- So keep your hands off it. It's mine.
- See ya, then.

- How long are you gonna be?
- I'm comin' now.

They're a lot bigger than they look
from the outside, these flats!

Yeah, well, we call 'em Tardis Towers!

I almost bought a flat on this street.
Can I have a poke around?

Have you got a search warrant?

- That lino going begging?
- Hands off. It's mine.

Come on, love. Best be off.

- Enjoy your, er... lino.
- See ya!

- Have you two straightened out yet?
- (BOTH LAUGH)

- Christ, it's the Kray twins.
- These hinges.

- They're very... hingey, aren't they?
- (CARTOON HEAD CHUCKLES)

I've never seen ones like that.
I'm gonna have these.

Oi, Handy Andy! We haven't got time for this!

The lino's where you left it!
Come on, get a wiggle on!

Gonna go downstairs
and make sure the coast is clear.

Come on, it's clear. It's now or never.

- Wanna come with?
- No, I'd, er... I'd best get Nicki's tea on.

Cartoon Head, I'd shake hands but I wouldn't
be sure about gettin' mine back, would I?

(CHUCKLES)

- Paul, you've been a brick.
- You owe me, Moz.

You've changed your tune. A minute ago you were
giggling away like a South Korean schoolgirl.

- You owe me, big time.
- Yeah, I know, I know.

Big... time.

I know. Hundred per cent o'clock.

- So I'm takin' this.
- Oh, no!

Quits.

Quits.

Berk & Bleedin' Berk.

Go away. Please.

(THREE KNOCKS)

- Hiya. Is Nicki 'ere?
- Er... no.

She's, er... she's out.

- Oh. Is she?
- Shouldn't you have a scythe or somethin'?

- You what?
- Nowt.

When Nicki comes back,
can you tell her that Amanda called for her?

- Yeah.
- Ta.

You're Amanda with the weird eyes!

What? Amanda with the weird eyes?
Is that what they call me?

No! God, no.

- It's just something I made up!
- Oh, right.

You big fat fuck!

Rude!

Thank God that's over with.

(HOOVER ON)

Right. I'm in the flat now.

- (SANGITA) You gonna tell him you're pregnant?
- Yeah, it's common sense.

- Are you gonna tell him everything?
- No. That's common sense gone mad!

You've tidied.

It's spotless!

I think I might just have found
me true calling in life.

If you tidy the place up, it looks... better.

I mean... I don't claim to understand
how it works, but, er...

Oh, Moz, I'm sorry if I've been naggin' you.

I do love you.

- You know that, don't you?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I love you too.

- I'm gonna be sick.
- Watch the sofa!

Nicki!

What's this makin' the place look untidy?

Craig.

- Who?
- Nobody.

We're back in business.

Moz, wait.

There's something really important I've gotta say.

I've been waitin' for the right time to tell you,
but, well... I'm worried how you're gonna react.

Nicki, don't worry.

Honestly. After the day I've had today,
nowt could freak me out. Nowt.

Come on, tell me.

We're gonna have a baby.

You happy about that?

Yeah! You?

Yeah. Happy.

Come here.

- It's inspirin', innit?
- Yeah.

I'm inspired out of me wits.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, well.

Best clock back on, eh?

It's a... fresh start.

Hi. Moz?

- (SQUEAKY) Yes?
- I'm lookin' for me brother, Craig.

Said he was gonna meet us round here.

Soz, I've never heard of him.

Oh, right. OK.

Isn't that... Craig's favourite carrier bag?

No!

It's MY favourite carrier bag.