Ideal (2005–2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Party - full transcript

Happy birthday. The big three-oh, eh?

I got you something.

It's not much.

Tuna butty. Thought I could smell something.

By the time I remembered it was your birthday,
only the SPAR was open.

And I got you...

...this.

- Bombay mix. Ta.
- I know it's your favourite.

- Favourite what? Mix?
- And...

Twelve brightly-coloured cocktail umbrellas.

Because tonight,
you're gonna have a surprise party.



- I'll look forward to that.
- It's gonna be your best birthday ever.

Yeah, well, it's already shaping up pretty smart.

- (MUFFLED SCREAM)
- (MOZ) Jesus!

You sit on my face.

Well, it is me birthday.

See ya tonight, then. Yeah. Cheers, Bri.

- Not Brian, please.
- How can you have a party without Brian?

By excluding Brian.

He's too gay for special occasions.

Hiya, Sangita, it's Nicki.

Yeah, we're gonna have a party for Moz
from around ten.

Oh, no, don't worry about a present.

All right, then. I'll see you then.

Look, Nicki. I don't want a party.



I do want presents. Do the math.

- You don't want presents.
- I do.

Presents are more than just objects, y'know.
They're tokens of... true friendship.

- We haven't got room for more things.
- We could sell 'em.

I see Mrs Slocombe's got a present.

Aww. Well, it's her birthday an' all.
And I just couldn't resist, could I?

Puts the Bombay mix into perspective, don't it?

Oh, just shut up and look forward to your party.

- Party? No one told me.
- I'm telling you about it now.

No, I'm overhearing about it now.
What if I wanted to invite friends?

- (BOTH) You haven't got any friends.
- What about me music-biz mates?

Go on, then, Pete Waterman, invite 'em.

- They wouldn't be seen dead here.
- You'll be seen dead here soon.

Gis a break. I got you a card.

I'm touched.

You don't normally put yourself out.

Er... happy birthday, Moz. I bring gift for you.

Oh, right. Nice one.

- First proper present. Yoko, you're a brick.
- Ah, brick.

This crystallised chrysanthemum.

- We goin' shopping, then?
- Ah, shopping. Yes!

Top to meet ya.

Er... Yasuko Takashino. Happy to meet you, Top.

Troy, chicken. Troy!

I live in the airing cupboard.

Ah, cupboard.

This quality chrysanthemum.

Blimey, there's enough of it.

It's your birthday, eat one.
Go on. It'd be rude not to.

- Anybody want to help me out?
- No fear.

- Oh, no, I... I'm on a diet.
- Ah, no, thank you. I not like it.

For a jellied flower, it looks remarkably... edible.

Ah, yes.

Down in one. Yummy.

Don't be so rude. Put it back and eat it properly.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hiya, gorgeous. It's me birthday.

Oh, happy birthday.

How old are you?

Not that old, really.

Youngish, in the general scheme of things.

- 30?
- Yeah.

So, how's life with Mr Squeegee, then?

What, Leo?

We split up.

He didn't have enough time for me.
Too focused on his career.

His career? He's a window-cleaner.

He hasn't even got his own ladder.
He's got a rented ladder.

- You're well shot of 'im.
- Yeah.

I met this new guy last night. Tyrone.

- Right, and what's Tyrone like?
- He's a right bastard.

We split up this morning.

China, that's not a relationship.
That's bed and breakfast.

Face it. You've got a bloke-a-day habit.
You treat boyfriends like refills.

- Where's the love?
- I know.

I get blasted and I can't control myself.

I'm having a party tonight,
if you fancy... getting blasted.

You'll come?
Wouldn't be worth celebrating without you.

Aww. Yeah, love to.

Better go. Already missed three lectures.

- See ya.
- Yeah.

Nicely, nicely.

(MUSIC: BRASSY'S "I CAN'T WAIT")

# I can't wait
To shake this joint

# No, I can't wait
To fully illustrate my point

# I can't wait
To let it flow

# No, I can't wait...

- You get me presents?
- You've had 'em. Sandwich, mix, tiny umbrellas.

- What about me big present?
- That's your party.

- That's costing you nowt.
- My new outfit didn't buy itself, y'know.

- Well, have you got some clothes for the cat (?)
- God, you haven't even started to tidy up.

- Take some responsibility.
- I enjoy to tidy.

Aye, go on, fill yer boots, Yoko.

- Who own Polaroids of nude people?
- (BOTH) Not me.

Then Polaroids must be mine.

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

(NICKI) It's the bit on the front.

Yeah, it is. It's all in the ears.

I think there's a lot of people who have got 'em
who haven't actually admitted to it yet.

(NICKI) We were amazed. The colour...

Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.

- What?
- (HE MOUTHS)

You didn't invite my mates to my surprise party.
Is that the surprise?

- You can talk to my friends.
- They're all girls.

- So? You love girls.
- Not to talk to.

OK. Let's make it a bit more interesting.

For one night only,
let's have an open relationship.

NOW do you want to talk to 'em?

You serious? What would I talk about?

Oh, I don't know. Clothes.
Tell somebody you like their belt.

You're in the service industry.
You should be good at public relations.

- Oh, hiya!
- (WOMAN) Hiya.

(WOMAN) Honestly,
he's not right in the head. I'nt he?

- I like your belt.
- What?

It's a really good fit. Don't know about you,
but I don't like baggy belts.

- Are you coming on to me?
- No. God, no.

I've just always had this thing about belts.

Not a thing, I...

...just really like belts. Belt mad!

Well, as far as you're concerned,
it's a chastity belt. OK?

- Kuldip. You remembered.
- Course I did.

Nicki booked us to DJ at her party.
I wouldn't forget.

It's my party. It's my birthday.

Oh, sorry, mate. I didn't know.

I wouldn't go in the kitchen. There's that much
oestrogen in there it'd make your eyes sting.

- OK, sweetheart? All set?
- A suitcase of floor-fillers, lots of obscure stuff.

Great, 'cause there's nowt gets folk dancing
better than obscure stuff.

OK, everyone. DJ's here. Who's up for a boogie?

You're a lucky man, Moz.
Nicki's still got it going on, i'nt she?

- Yeah. She keeps on going on.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Col! How's it hangin'?
- Not so bad, yeah. On probation.

Heard your missus were having a party.

I wouldn't know, would I? I'm just a doorman.

- Hiya, Moz.
- Asia. You all right?

Yeah. China said you was havin' a party,
so we thought we'd check it out.

It's me birthday.

- Give us a kiss if you want.
- Happy birthday.

- Can I give you this?
- Yeah. Cheers, mate.

- It's empty.
- Yeah. Have you got a bin?

Kitchen.

# Get funky, ya don't stop

# Ya don't stop, ya don't stop

# Get funky, ya don't stop

# Ya don't stop, ya don't stop

# Gangsta boogie on a roughneck track
Beatnik mother's gonna break your back

# Coming through loud and clear on an L-note
Steppin' to the groove is like walking a tightrope

# Swimming in the ocean
with a great white shark

# Walking down an alley alone after dark

# Sipping on a 40 that's behind the wheel

# Travellin' down the block
with your hand on the steer

# Hands in the air
And a vocal stomp...

Why don't you, er... take your coat off?

Can't. Got me uniform on underneath.

Technically I'm still on duty.
Can't come to a party in your uniform, can ya?

He did.

Cartoon Head. Good to see ya, fella.

Bet you didn't know it was me birthday, did ya?

Just come to score?

All right, mate?

It's not fancy dress, you know.

CH, leave 'im. He's pissed.
He doesn't know what he's saying.

Remember your breathing exercises. In and out.

You better go, Jack. Run for your life.

Thanks for coming.

We'll only stay ten minutes.
Oh, happy birthday, Mr Moz.

Look at you, all grown up.

Got you a little package.

At last, someone who reckons me enough
to make a financial investment.

Thanks, Bri. I appreciate it. I do.

Snapped it off Jason Donovan
at Madame Tussaud's.

They're going to melt him down, anyway.

- It's a cock candle.
- Yeah. Ooh, that reminds me.

- This is Jackie. I'nt she scrummy?
- Hiya. Happy birthday.

- You a woman or a pre-op trannie?
- I'm a girl, thank you.

Soz, it's just... you wouldn't believe
some of the combinations he brings round here.

Well, that's all in the past now, Moz.

Big news, big news. I am hetero.

- You? Hetero? Really?
- You betcha.

It's a bit sudden. Did you get bitten
by some straight radioactive spider?

No. I realise now, I've always been hetero,
but... I were in denial.

- Jackie's part of me learning curve, aren't ya?
- Yeah. I am, yeah.

Ooh, gotta dance.

It's not what it looks like. It's a candle.

(MUSIC: DOMESTIC 4'S "TASCAM")

# Tascam, do it for the tascam

# With the AR electronic supersonic sound

# Which a five-string, super-thin
rhythm and bass is for

# Do the boom boom, bang bang, shake shake
La la, here we go, here we go

# Here we go, here we go...

- This crystallised chrysanthemum's lovely.
- Ah. Yes. It very high quality.

All right, Yoko?

You all right, Troy?
'Ey, did you like that aubergine I give you?

Nah, it was repellent.

# Tascam, do it for the Tascam

# Tascam, do it for the Tascam

- (NEEDLE SKIPS)
- Hey!

Shut up! Got summat better for you.

Yo, Troy. You're mongin'
me meticulously crafted vibe.

You don't live here. I do.
Listen... and learn.

(HARDCORE TECHNO MUSIC)

# The DJ to the music like the turkey to the gravy

# Techno, techno, techno
Bisto, Bisto, Bisto

# The DJ to the music... #

(ALL CHEER)

(MUSIC: DOMESTIC 4'S "TASCAM")

- Like your belt.
- It's not a belt. It's a sash.

Yeah, well, I like it.

- China's taking her time.
- We're not joined at the hip.

If you were, that belt wouldn't fit round you both.

It's a sash.

- 'Ey! Someone's just thumped your brother.
- Doesn't normally take this long.

(MUSIC: PRIMAL SCREAM'S
"COME TOGETHER")

(MUTTERS) You twat.

Am I lookin' at me?

Am I talkin' to me?

- Happy birthday, Moz.
- Ta. It's a great party, innit?

- Oh, you've changed your tune.
- Aye, well, I'm on me way to being legless now.

- Sorry, I didn't...
- It's all right. I've got legs.

Ah, well, that's the spirit.
Where did you get the chocolates?

- Sangita got you them for your birthday.
- And you weren't gonna tell us?

- I thought you were on a diet.
- Yeah. I'm allowed Belgian chocolates.

And that's all that's left?
Cherry Dome and Coffee Helix?

- It's a party. I handed them round.
- Bet the cat's had the best ones.

Don't be so rude to Sangita. Eat one.

- How's the open relationship going, then?
- Wide open.

- Fancy another dance?
- Aye. Go on, then.

Ooh, Cherry Dome. That'll be mine.

Do you want a piggyback round the dance floor?

(SNIFFS DEEPLY)

You can keep that. I've got loads.

It were a big bust.

- And I do enjoy a big bust.
- Thanks.

Don't want to waste this.

We've had a really great time.

It's like a club, but it's in your house.

Yeah. We're calling it Mozumission.

Gonna say tara to Nicki. Where's she gone?

Knowing Nicki, she's probably off somewhere
planning a special surprise for us.

We best get going. It's past Felix's curfew time.

Yeah, soz, son.
Didn't have a chance to make up any party bags.

(MUSIC: THE THREE AMIGOS' "LOUIE LOUIE")

Oh, I love this. Come on.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Are you gonna be long?

Piss... o-o-off!

- Do you want to dance?
- Mm.

(URINE SPLASHING)

Hi-hi. Oh. Now I know
I'm not in Kansas any more.

I'm not like that.

- Is Moz in? Can he sell us some gear, like?
- Seek and you will find. I don't give a fuck.

Nice one.

- Have you seen Moz?
- (MOUTHS) No.

- Have you seen Moz?
- (MOUTHS) No.

Have you seen Moz?

Have you seen Moz? Lives here.

'Ey. Tell you who hasn't turned up, Moz.

- Who?
- Amanda.

Amanda. With the weird eyes.

Ah, she'll have got lost.

She has to go sideways to go forward.

Like a crab, but with weird eyes.

(POLICE RADIO) Oh, and, er... looks like
the body's had its right hand chopped off. Over.

I'm on my way. Over.

All right, then, babe. Where's the beers?

Now, then, sir. Oblivion.

You're not doin' hot-knives?

Aren't we? Thought we were.

Gis us another. I'm on probation.

- All right? Just finished me set.
- You were amazing.

- He was amazing.
- Well done, Captain Amazing.

Just do us a small one. Don't wanna get
too out of it. I'm already completely fucked.

- Thanks, that's lovely.
- I live to give.

- Do you, er... wanna dance?
- Sure.

Hot-knives, eh?
Haven't done a hot-knife in a long time.

Paul.

How... how come you're here?

- Did you come on yer own?
- No. Brought a little lady with me.

Happy birthday.

Cheers. Bagpuss.

Wicked.

- You two together, then?
- Yeah. We just met tonight.

- Don't fancy knifing us, do you?
- God, no. You two make a lovely couple.

I mean hot-knife.

You're, erm... awesome
when you get on those decks, aren't you?

Oh, ta. Yeah, I suppose
I am a bit awesome, really.

God gave me a special talent.

He, er... didn't give you anything for me, did he?

So, er...

how's the hash-dealing business going, then?

Oh, er... brisk. Brisk, ta.

- You?
- Can't sell enough of the stuff.

Yeah, that's what I heard.

Regular, large...

or XL?

I'll take anything you've got.

Bloody hell.

Shall we?

Hey! Whoa! What about Moz?

- We're in an open relationship.
- Are ya? Honest?

Oh, yeah. Wide open.

(MUSIC: MUM'S "BALLAD
OF THE BROKEN BIRDIE RECORDS")

(PANTING)

Oh, yeah. Oh... Nicki.

(KULDIP) Oh, shit. Yes, yes!

- Right. Shall we go, then?
- Yeah.

We're off. Got stuff to do, like.

China?

Your... I really like your belt.

- I'm not wearing a belt.
- Ah, well, belts are well out, aren't they?

- Cheers, mate.
- Yeah. Cheers.

- Same time next year.
- See ya, Moz.

Happy birthday.

Oh! Don't you knock?

- It's only you.
- Oh, thanks (!)

I've seen everything you've got, and it's gorgeous.

I don't want an open relationship.

I'm with you.

You've still got it going on.

I fancy something wet and warm.

Right. That's it. I'm out of 'ere.