I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 6, Episode 25 - Country Club Dance - full transcript
The Ricardos are invited to a country club dance by their friends, the Munsons. Ricky balks at having to dress up and go out when he'd much rather stay home. The Ramseys and the Mertzes gather at the Ricardos and the evening is off to a dull start. The guys have a good moan about what lies ahead for them. However, when the Munsons arrive with their house guest, sexy cousin Diana Jordan in tow, the men get a shot in the arm. The gallant trio of husbands argue about dancing with Diana, while their wives look on in disbelief and dismay. The same crowd assemble at the club the next evening, but the three suburban housewives give Diana a run for her money, what with new hairstyles, 'exotic' perfume and Lucy, in a very tight dress. The boys are very attentive to their wives, Lucy becomes suspicious, leaves the gathering with Ethel and Betty and the battle of the sexes rages on.
(light-hearted music playing 0
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
(theme song ending)
You mean he took you to see the
Dodgers at Ebbets Field?
Well, wasn't that nice of Mr.
Appleby?
Uh-huh... and tomorrow he's taking us
to the zoo.
Well, that sounds like fun.
Well, good night, sweetheart.
Sleep well and I'll see you Monday.
Want to say good night to Daddy?
Here.
Good night, partner.
Good night, Daddy.
Good night, son.
Good night, dear.
Good night.
Oh, good thing I called him early.
He was in his nighty-nights, all
ready to go to bed.
I wish I was in my nighty- nights,
all ready to go to bed.
Now, Ricky, don't start that again.
Well, it's just that I'd rather be
going to bed
than to some boring country club
dance.
Oh, grumble, grumble, grumble.
Why shouldn't I grumble?
Every night of my life I wear a
tuxedo.
I take a weekend off, and what do I
do?
I'm wearing a tuxedo.
Honey, I think you should always wear
a tuxedo.
You look very distinguished in it.
I look even more distinguished in my
nighty-nights.
Aw, now.
The Ramseys asked us to be their
guests,
we accepted, we're going, and that's
all there is to it.
All right, honey, all right.
Anyway, honey, it sounds like fun.
The Mertzes are going
and Harry and Grace Munson are going.
Oh, yes, they're bringing along a
houseguest of theirs, too.
Who is their houseguest?
Oh, I don't know, some cousin of
Grace's--
Diana somebody or other.
Oh, great. There's another one I'll
have to dance with.
Oh, now, honey, will you stop?
Are you ready?
Oh, Ethel, you've got a new dress!
Isn't it darling?
Oh, it's just beautiful.
I'm just crazy about it.
Wonderful with your eyes.
I love it.
And doesn't Freddy look cute in his
tux?
Adorable.
Oh, I'm adorable, all right.
I'm choking to death, my shoes pinch
and I reek to high heaven of
mothballs.
Oh, Fred.
(knock at door)
Come in, come in.
Door's open!
LUCY: Oh, look at that girl, will
you?
Oh, Betty, you look beautiful!
Is that a new dress?
Won't we have fun?
ETHEL: Come on, let's go, let's go,
huh?
Yeah, come on, honey, let's go.
All right, listen, take our car; it's
in the garage.
All right, we'll take our car. Yeah.
Isn't that a beautiful dress on her?
ETHEL: We're going dancing...
(animated conversation)
Hey, uh, look, fellas,
I want to apologize for this.
It was all Betty's idea.
You mean you hate the thought of
getting into a tuxedo
and going to this dance as much as we
do?
Sheesh!
The only reason I belong to the
country club
is so I can play golf.
It's the little woman's idea dragging
me to these affairs.
If we'd known how you felt, man,
we could have banded together and
refused to go.
Yeah. Do you think it's too late to
try?
I'm afraid so, Fred, I'm afraid so.
The Munsons and their houseguest are
expecting us.
LUCY: Ricky, come on, dear!
BETTY: Ralph!
We're waiting!
ETHEL: Fred!!!
Yeah, it's too late.
Yeah.
(falsetto): Coming, honeybunch!
(band playing dance music)
Fred, are we gonna dance again?
Again! We've already danced once.
What's wrong with twice?
My feet are still throbbing from
once.
ETHEL: Oh, Fred.
Oh, stop yawning, Ricky.
I'm sorry, honey, it's past my
bedtime.
Well, try to stay awake.
I am-- if I wasn't trying, I'd be
asleep.
Oh...
Ralph, why don't you ask the
orchestra
to play a Charleston?
A Charleston! I haven't that much
energy.
Well, honestly.
Well, look, if we're just gonna sit
here
like bumps on a log, we might as well
go home.
Good, let's go home.
Second the motion.
It's been moved and seconded, we all
go home.
All those in favor say "aye."
Aye.
Aye.
The ayes have it, motion carried,
let's go.
Oh, Ricky!
Honey, you heard it.
There were three "ayes."
Well, there are gonna be three black
eyes
unless you all sit down.
Fred, come on, now.
(scattered applause)
(Fred groans)
Besides, it's early.
Early!
It's 11:30.
It would be rude to leave
before the Munsons even get here.
All right, I'll give them ten more
minutes.
And listen, when they do get here,
be sure you ask Grace's cousin to
dance, do you hear?
Oh, no, honey, not me.
Ralph...
Nothing doing.
Don't look at me, Ethel.
LUCY: Just because
you don't want to dance with us
is no reason you should be rude to
Grace's cousin.
It's not that we don't want to dance
with you, honey...
Oh, for heaven's sake, honey...
Hi, folks!
(greetings all around)
Something happen?
You get tied up in traffic?
LUCY: Oh, it's always something like
that.
BETTY: Listen, where is your
houseguest?
She'll be right along.
Oh, here we are, Diana.
Hi!
HARRY: I'd like you to meet Grace's
cousin, Diana Jordan.
This is Mr. and Mrs. Ralph Ramsey.
And how do you do?
Hello.
And, uh, Mr.
and Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.
Hello.
How do you do?
And I'm Freddy Mertz.
Well, hello.
Well, hello!
I'm Mrs. Mertz.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Miss, uh...
Diana.
Oh, Diana, won't you sit down?
Oh, but yes.
RALPH: It's all right, fellows,
I've got it.
Thank you.
Yeah!
GRACE: Well, did we miss anything?
Have you been having fun?
BETTY: Oh, we've been having a lovely
time.
Yeah, it's been great.
Yes, it's been a lot of fun, but we
were just leaving
because the boys are so tired.
Who's tired?
FRED: Who's leaving?
But it's late.
Honey, it's only 11:30.
Yes, the night's young.
We just got here.
(band begins to play lilting dance
music)
Would you care to dance?
Oh! But yes.
Well, good.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
My... mother...
told... me...
to... pick...
you!
Oh.
Your country club is simply fabulous.
Oh, thank you.
The music's so dreamy.
Do you like to dance?
Oh, but yes,
DIANA: I adore it.
RICKY: Oh, well, isn't that nice.
Let's cut in.
By all means.
Well, I see your husband's suddenly
recovered
from his sleeping sickness.
I see your husband's foot condition
finally cleared up.
Isn't this a disgusting spectacle?
(sighs)
Now what are we supposed to do?
Well, maybe we should dance with each
other.
(a la Diana): My... mother...
told... me...
to... pick... you!
Dancing is fun.
We should do it more often.
I was just trying not to be rude.
Fred is trying not to be rude, too.
He's out there now not being rude.
And Ralph is...
waiting his turn not to be rude next.
(sighs)
What a night.
Diana Jordan... sheesh!
And they didn't want to be rude to
her.
Do you know Ralph danced with that
girl eight times?
Ricky danced with her nine times.
How about Fred?
13 was the grand total for
Twinkletoes.
What an exhibition.
You'd think they'd never seen a
blonde before.
They still haven't.
If she's a blonde, I'm a redhead.
How about the boys taking up a
collection
so they could keep the orchestra
there
for an extra hour?
Well, how about Fred, of all people,
starting it off with a ten-dollar
bill?
And did you see the way they leaped
at the invitation
to the party tonight
the Munsons are giving in Diana's
honor?
Well, I'll tell you one thing:
I'm not gonna sit around like a bump
on a log again tonight.
As one bump to another, just how do
we avoid it?
If our husbands want glamour, let's
be glamorous
like Diana.
Oh, isn't there an easier way?
Ethel, it's simple.
Glamour today is nothing but a tight
skirt,
loose hips and wet lips.
Well, Lucy, that might be all right
for you, dear,
but I'm just not the glamorous type.
If I could look like Diana,
do you think I'd have married Fred?
Oh, come on now, there must be some
way
for you two to glamour it up.
Say, I do have some very exotic
perfume I've been saving.
This may be just the occasion to use
it.
Good. What about you, Ethel?
Oh, I don't know.
Why don't you try your glamorous
hairdo,
the one that makes you look like
Grace Kelly?
You think it'd work?
It worked for Grace Kelly.
Good. That might be just the thing.
Sure, there's no reason
why wives can't be just as glamorous
as other women.
After all, we were women once
ourselves.
Well... our wives are still over at
my house
huddled around the dining room table.
Boy, we're really in the doghouse.
Yup. I sure would give a lot
to hear what they're saying.
I wouldn't.
Betty gave me the silent treatment.
Lucky you.
Hmm.
Did she really lock you out of the
house?
I had to sleep in the rumpus room.
That's what we call it
because every time we have a rumpus,
that's where I sleep.
I've never seen Lucy so mad--
they way she stormed and ranted and
raved.
She acted like me!
Boy, they're really sore.
Well, it was worth it.
That Diana is a cute dish.
Ooh, wasn't she, though?
Wasn't she, though?
And do you know that I think she kind
of went for me?
Must be the Yul Brynner influence.
Now, listen, you characters.
We weren't very nice to our wives
last night.
What do you mean?
You know what I mean.
We acted like a bunch of schoolboys.
Well, when I was a schoolboy,
there were no schoolgirls like Diana.
Well, I think that tonight we should
be nice to the girls.
We're going to dance every dance with
our own wives tonight.
Every dance?
Every dance.
With our own wives?
Yes, with our own wives.
Well, Ralph?
Well, yeah, I... I guess you're
right, Rick.
How about it, Yul Brynner?
Well, okay, but for corns' sake,
don't let this get to be a habit.
Honey! Hurry up, it's time to go.
LUCY: In a minute, dear.
All right.
Hi, Rick.
Well, hi, fellas.
Where are the girls?
Oh, Betty's still primping.
Yeah, and so is Ethel.
She usually takes an hour to dress.
Today she's taking over 2? hours.
Well, Betty was spraying so much
perfume on herself
that I had to get out of the house.
Sheesh! One more squirt from that
atomizer
and I'd have been overcome by the
fumes.
You think you've got a problem!
Ethel's got her hair all skinned back
like a wet Pekinese.
Don't you guys see what the girls are
trying to do?
No.
They're trying to glamorize
themselves
to outshine Diana.
Ralph: You really think so?
Sure. Lucy's been locked up
in our room all day long getting
ready.
I even had to get dressed in the
guest room.
Oh-ho-ho, so that's what they're up
to.
Oh, brother, if Ethel's trying to be
glamorous,
she won't be ready for a week.
Now, look, Fred, don't forget what we
promised.
We are going to be nice to the girls.
Besides, what they're doing I think
is kind of cute.
Cute! Wait till you get a look at
Ethel.
Wait till you get a whiff of Betty.
No matter what they do,
we're gonna go right along with them.
RALPH: Okay, you're the boss.
Hello.
Well, pardon me, beautiful,
you have the wrong house.
Freddy, it's me.
Who?
Ethel!
You didn't know me?
I didn't know you!
Oh, you're a real stunner,
you little Dickens.
Oh, thank you, Fred.
Uh, somebody smells awful good.
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah,
that's that new perfume that Betty's
wearing.
Brings out the beast in a man.
(growls)
Oh!
Hi!
Hello.
What's the matter, dear?
Uh...
That... that dress.
Do you like it?
Oh, I think it's lovely...
and so are you.
Thank you.
(a la Diana): Oh, Ethel, your hairdo
is simply fabulous.
Thank you.
Charming.
Lucy, do you like my perfume?
Oh, I think it's dreamy.
But yes, I love it.
Uh, shouldn't we go?
Yes, let's go.
Honey...
don't you think that the dress
is just a little bit too tight?
Oh, but no.
Everyone's wearing them like this.
Yeah, I know, but are you gonna be
able to sit down?
Oh, of course, but yes, I can sit
down.
Well, it's a dance, so who'll be
sitting?
Well, honey, you're gonna have to sit
down in the car
to get to the dance.
Well, we'll put the top down
and I can stand up all the way.
Oh, Lucy, that'd be fun!
(coughs)
Yes, by all means, put the top down,
Rick.
Put the top down...
all right. Let's go.
Yeah, well, wait a minute, girls,
look, listen--
you wait right here, I'll go get the
car
and bring it to the front.
Yeah, honeybunch, don't you walk
any more than you have to.
Save those gorgeous legs for the
dance.
RICKY: Come on, Fred.
FRED: I'm coming.
RICKY: We'll be right back, girls.
(door shuts)
Gorgeous legs!
Oh, Lucy, you were absolutely right!
A little glamour really works.
Yeah... usually I have to wait in the
cold
while he backs the car out so I can
close the garage doors.
(slow dance music playing)
Oh, thank you, Freddy.
Thank you.
RALPH: Hey, can I get you a plate
from the buffet, dear?
Thank you, dear.
FRED: Lover?
Well, I've already had one plate.
Oh, have another-- I like my women
chubby.
How about you, honey?
Oh, I'd adore something to eat.
Lucy, you must be getting
awful tired of standing up.
Oh, it's not too bad, I'm getting to
be a good leaner.
I can't get over the way the boys are
acting.
It's too good to be true.
Yeah, isn't it?
Fred hasn't been this nice to me
since he thought my aunt left me
$500.
Well, I'm going to start buying this
perfume by the barrel.
There's just one thing: Do you
realize that the boys
haven't even looked at Diana tonight?
Sure they haven't.
It's because we're so devastating.
Yeah, well, we're pretty devastating
all right-- for us.
But why are they ignoring her the way
they are?
It seems very strange.
I think there's more to this than
meets the eye.
Oh, listen, Lucy, I don't care why
Fred's acting the way he is.
I'm just gonna relax and enjoy it.
(band begins playing mellow tune)
Glammy pie, this is for you.
Oh, Fred!
Uh, couldn't we dance now and eat
later?
Well, I was in hopes you'd ask me,
snookums.
Oh!
And shall we dance
or would you rather eat this one out?
Oh, we can always eat.
All righty.
How about you, honey?
Would you like to dance?
No, I think I'd rather eat.
Oh, all right.
Oh.
You know, I've never eaten standing
up before.
It's kind of fun at that.
Probably good for the digestion.
Food goes straight down--
doesn't have to make any turns or
nothing.
You having a good time, honey?
Uh-huh.
Ricky!
Oh, hello.
You haven't danced with me all
evening.
How come?
Well, I've been dancing with my wife.
What's the matter with Ralph and
Freddy?
They've been dancing with their
wives, too.
(laughs incredulously)
What's this world coming to?
Yeah, well.
(humming)
You're certainly acting a lot
different tonight
than you did last night.
I am?
Yes, and I'd like to know why.
Ricky Ricardo, you're up to
something.
No, I'm not up to nothing.
How come you haven't danced with
Diana tonight?
I just don't feel like dancing with
Diana.
I want to dance with you.
You felt like dancing with her last
night.
Oh, honey, well, last night
I was just trying to do what you told
me.
I was just trying to be polite.
Oh, you were just trying to be
polite.
Look, why don't you just confess?
Confess what?
You're up to something;
you're being much too sweet.
What's wrong with being sweet?
When you're this sweet,
there's something rotten in Cuba!
Wait a minute, I don't know what I'm
gonna do with you.
If I don't pay attention to you, you
get mad,
and if I pay attention to you, you
get mad.
What am I supposed to do?
I know that you're just dying to get
out there
and dance with Diana,
so why don't you go ahead and dance
with her?!
All right, I will.
All right.
All right!
All right!
All right! Okay!
Ethel, come on, we're getting out of
here.
What do you mean?
And tell that beast to take his hands
off you.
Beast?
I just found out why the boys
are being so nice to us.
They're cooking up a scheme with that
blonde.
What are you talking about?
See? Whenever husbands have anything
to hide,
they say, "What are you talking
about?"
Well, what are you talking about?
See?
Freddy why are you being so nice to
me?
Because husbands should be nice to
their wives.
Oh, that's the worst excuse
I ever heard in my life.
All right, let's go.
Yeah, you get Betty, I'll get the
car.
I will.
Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Pardon me.
(fabric ripping)
Any sign of them yet?
No.
Well, they should be here by now.
It's almost 1:30.
Maybe Fred took up another collection
for the band.
I must have been crazy
to let you talk me into leaving that
party.
Me, too. Frankly, I was having a
wonderful time.
So was I.
It was the best evening I ever spent
with Fred.
He was...
Well, he was...
almost human.
Yeah, well, the whole thing was a
plot.
Lucy, just what was this plot?
Yeah, you've never been very clear on
that.
Well, don't you worry, it was a plot
all right.
The three of them and Diana were...
were...
Well, they were...
Well, they were.
Were what?
Oh, I don't know,
but at least we'll teach the boys a
lesson.
Oh, sure, they're out dancing half
the night with that blonde
and we're all here brooding
and we're teaching them a lesson?
Well, this has gone far enough.
I'm going back to the club, apologize
to Ralph
for running out and bringing him
home.
And I'm going with you.
Let's go.
Well, now, isn't this a pretty sight?
Two cringing wives, crawling on their
knees,
begging their husbands' forgiveness.
ETHEL: Coming with us, Lucy?
Yes.
Well, how about it, Rick?
Can we go home now?
Yeah, it's ten minutes to 2:00.
Look, we said we were gonna stay here
until 2:00.
Then we'll go home.
But it seems like we've been sitting
here for hours.
We have. The party broke up at 11:00.
RICKY: The way that our wives run out
of us
we agreed that we were gonna stay
here
until 2:00 and then go home.
RICKY: That way, they'll think that
we've been
dancing with lovely Diana all this
time.
Please don't mention dancing in front
of my feet.
Has the swelling gone down?
No, they're so puffed up; I'll have
to wear Ethel's shoes.
RALPH: Yeah, well, you were lucky.
You only danced with her.
I tried to talk to her once.
You know, it's amazing how little I
have
in common with a 20-year-old.
Who's Pat Boone?
At least you talked to her in
English.
I had to spend a half an hour
trying to understand her high-school
Spanish.
"Bonos dyas, senior."
FRED: Look...
let's either go home or get me more
hot water.
RICKY: All right, Fred, I guess we
can go home now.
Don't forget, let's stick to our
story.
RALPH: Okay, okay.
LUCY: Oh, here you are!
At 2:00 in the morning!
Where is she, the little hussy?
I'll scratch her eyes out!
Oh, well, you just missed her.
Boy, can that girl dance.
Dance! You should see the way she
intermissions.
(wolf whistle)
I think it's high time
that you three gigolos came home with
your wives.
Come on, Fred, get your feet
out of that bucket. Let's go.
All right, all right.
Where are your socks?
In my shoes.
Well, pick 'em up, and we're going
home.
All right, all right.
Honest to goodness, carrying on...
Easy now, easy!
(applause)
(closing orchestral flourish playing)
ANNOUNCER: "I Love Lucy",
starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz,
was brought to you by new Lilt,
the only home permanent with
squeeze-bottle magic.
the fastest, easiest home permanent
ever.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
(theme song ending)
You mean he took you to see the
Dodgers at Ebbets Field?
Well, wasn't that nice of Mr.
Appleby?
Uh-huh... and tomorrow he's taking us
to the zoo.
Well, that sounds like fun.
Well, good night, sweetheart.
Sleep well and I'll see you Monday.
Want to say good night to Daddy?
Here.
Good night, partner.
Good night, Daddy.
Good night, son.
Good night, dear.
Good night.
Oh, good thing I called him early.
He was in his nighty-nights, all
ready to go to bed.
I wish I was in my nighty- nights,
all ready to go to bed.
Now, Ricky, don't start that again.
Well, it's just that I'd rather be
going to bed
than to some boring country club
dance.
Oh, grumble, grumble, grumble.
Why shouldn't I grumble?
Every night of my life I wear a
tuxedo.
I take a weekend off, and what do I
do?
I'm wearing a tuxedo.
Honey, I think you should always wear
a tuxedo.
You look very distinguished in it.
I look even more distinguished in my
nighty-nights.
Aw, now.
The Ramseys asked us to be their
guests,
we accepted, we're going, and that's
all there is to it.
All right, honey, all right.
Anyway, honey, it sounds like fun.
The Mertzes are going
and Harry and Grace Munson are going.
Oh, yes, they're bringing along a
houseguest of theirs, too.
Who is their houseguest?
Oh, I don't know, some cousin of
Grace's--
Diana somebody or other.
Oh, great. There's another one I'll
have to dance with.
Oh, now, honey, will you stop?
Are you ready?
Oh, Ethel, you've got a new dress!
Isn't it darling?
Oh, it's just beautiful.
I'm just crazy about it.
Wonderful with your eyes.
I love it.
And doesn't Freddy look cute in his
tux?
Adorable.
Oh, I'm adorable, all right.
I'm choking to death, my shoes pinch
and I reek to high heaven of
mothballs.
Oh, Fred.
(knock at door)
Come in, come in.
Door's open!
LUCY: Oh, look at that girl, will
you?
Oh, Betty, you look beautiful!
Is that a new dress?
Won't we have fun?
ETHEL: Come on, let's go, let's go,
huh?
Yeah, come on, honey, let's go.
All right, listen, take our car; it's
in the garage.
All right, we'll take our car. Yeah.
Isn't that a beautiful dress on her?
ETHEL: We're going dancing...
(animated conversation)
Hey, uh, look, fellas,
I want to apologize for this.
It was all Betty's idea.
You mean you hate the thought of
getting into a tuxedo
and going to this dance as much as we
do?
Sheesh!
The only reason I belong to the
country club
is so I can play golf.
It's the little woman's idea dragging
me to these affairs.
If we'd known how you felt, man,
we could have banded together and
refused to go.
Yeah. Do you think it's too late to
try?
I'm afraid so, Fred, I'm afraid so.
The Munsons and their houseguest are
expecting us.
LUCY: Ricky, come on, dear!
BETTY: Ralph!
We're waiting!
ETHEL: Fred!!!
Yeah, it's too late.
Yeah.
(falsetto): Coming, honeybunch!
(band playing dance music)
Fred, are we gonna dance again?
Again! We've already danced once.
What's wrong with twice?
My feet are still throbbing from
once.
ETHEL: Oh, Fred.
Oh, stop yawning, Ricky.
I'm sorry, honey, it's past my
bedtime.
Well, try to stay awake.
I am-- if I wasn't trying, I'd be
asleep.
Oh...
Ralph, why don't you ask the
orchestra
to play a Charleston?
A Charleston! I haven't that much
energy.
Well, honestly.
Well, look, if we're just gonna sit
here
like bumps on a log, we might as well
go home.
Good, let's go home.
Second the motion.
It's been moved and seconded, we all
go home.
All those in favor say "aye."
Aye.
Aye.
The ayes have it, motion carried,
let's go.
Oh, Ricky!
Honey, you heard it.
There were three "ayes."
Well, there are gonna be three black
eyes
unless you all sit down.
Fred, come on, now.
(scattered applause)
(Fred groans)
Besides, it's early.
Early!
It's 11:30.
It would be rude to leave
before the Munsons even get here.
All right, I'll give them ten more
minutes.
And listen, when they do get here,
be sure you ask Grace's cousin to
dance, do you hear?
Oh, no, honey, not me.
Ralph...
Nothing doing.
Don't look at me, Ethel.
LUCY: Just because
you don't want to dance with us
is no reason you should be rude to
Grace's cousin.
It's not that we don't want to dance
with you, honey...
Oh, for heaven's sake, honey...
Hi, folks!
(greetings all around)
Something happen?
You get tied up in traffic?
LUCY: Oh, it's always something like
that.
BETTY: Listen, where is your
houseguest?
She'll be right along.
Oh, here we are, Diana.
Hi!
HARRY: I'd like you to meet Grace's
cousin, Diana Jordan.
This is Mr. and Mrs. Ralph Ramsey.
And how do you do?
Hello.
And, uh, Mr.
and Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.
Hello.
How do you do?
And I'm Freddy Mertz.
Well, hello.
Well, hello!
I'm Mrs. Mertz.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Miss, uh...
Diana.
Oh, Diana, won't you sit down?
Oh, but yes.
RALPH: It's all right, fellows,
I've got it.
Thank you.
Yeah!
GRACE: Well, did we miss anything?
Have you been having fun?
BETTY: Oh, we've been having a lovely
time.
Yeah, it's been great.
Yes, it's been a lot of fun, but we
were just leaving
because the boys are so tired.
Who's tired?
FRED: Who's leaving?
But it's late.
Honey, it's only 11:30.
Yes, the night's young.
We just got here.
(band begins to play lilting dance
music)
Would you care to dance?
Oh! But yes.
Well, good.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
My... mother...
told... me...
to... pick...
you!
Oh.
Your country club is simply fabulous.
Oh, thank you.
The music's so dreamy.
Do you like to dance?
Oh, but yes,
DIANA: I adore it.
RICKY: Oh, well, isn't that nice.
Let's cut in.
By all means.
Well, I see your husband's suddenly
recovered
from his sleeping sickness.
I see your husband's foot condition
finally cleared up.
Isn't this a disgusting spectacle?
(sighs)
Now what are we supposed to do?
Well, maybe we should dance with each
other.
(a la Diana): My... mother...
told... me...
to... pick... you!
Dancing is fun.
We should do it more often.
I was just trying not to be rude.
Fred is trying not to be rude, too.
He's out there now not being rude.
And Ralph is...
waiting his turn not to be rude next.
(sighs)
What a night.
Diana Jordan... sheesh!
And they didn't want to be rude to
her.
Do you know Ralph danced with that
girl eight times?
Ricky danced with her nine times.
How about Fred?
13 was the grand total for
Twinkletoes.
What an exhibition.
You'd think they'd never seen a
blonde before.
They still haven't.
If she's a blonde, I'm a redhead.
How about the boys taking up a
collection
so they could keep the orchestra
there
for an extra hour?
Well, how about Fred, of all people,
starting it off with a ten-dollar
bill?
And did you see the way they leaped
at the invitation
to the party tonight
the Munsons are giving in Diana's
honor?
Well, I'll tell you one thing:
I'm not gonna sit around like a bump
on a log again tonight.
As one bump to another, just how do
we avoid it?
If our husbands want glamour, let's
be glamorous
like Diana.
Oh, isn't there an easier way?
Ethel, it's simple.
Glamour today is nothing but a tight
skirt,
loose hips and wet lips.
Well, Lucy, that might be all right
for you, dear,
but I'm just not the glamorous type.
If I could look like Diana,
do you think I'd have married Fred?
Oh, come on now, there must be some
way
for you two to glamour it up.
Say, I do have some very exotic
perfume I've been saving.
This may be just the occasion to use
it.
Good. What about you, Ethel?
Oh, I don't know.
Why don't you try your glamorous
hairdo,
the one that makes you look like
Grace Kelly?
You think it'd work?
It worked for Grace Kelly.
Good. That might be just the thing.
Sure, there's no reason
why wives can't be just as glamorous
as other women.
After all, we were women once
ourselves.
Well... our wives are still over at
my house
huddled around the dining room table.
Boy, we're really in the doghouse.
Yup. I sure would give a lot
to hear what they're saying.
I wouldn't.
Betty gave me the silent treatment.
Lucky you.
Hmm.
Did she really lock you out of the
house?
I had to sleep in the rumpus room.
That's what we call it
because every time we have a rumpus,
that's where I sleep.
I've never seen Lucy so mad--
they way she stormed and ranted and
raved.
She acted like me!
Boy, they're really sore.
Well, it was worth it.
That Diana is a cute dish.
Ooh, wasn't she, though?
Wasn't she, though?
And do you know that I think she kind
of went for me?
Must be the Yul Brynner influence.
Now, listen, you characters.
We weren't very nice to our wives
last night.
What do you mean?
You know what I mean.
We acted like a bunch of schoolboys.
Well, when I was a schoolboy,
there were no schoolgirls like Diana.
Well, I think that tonight we should
be nice to the girls.
We're going to dance every dance with
our own wives tonight.
Every dance?
Every dance.
With our own wives?
Yes, with our own wives.
Well, Ralph?
Well, yeah, I... I guess you're
right, Rick.
How about it, Yul Brynner?
Well, okay, but for corns' sake,
don't let this get to be a habit.
Honey! Hurry up, it's time to go.
LUCY: In a minute, dear.
All right.
Hi, Rick.
Well, hi, fellas.
Where are the girls?
Oh, Betty's still primping.
Yeah, and so is Ethel.
She usually takes an hour to dress.
Today she's taking over 2? hours.
Well, Betty was spraying so much
perfume on herself
that I had to get out of the house.
Sheesh! One more squirt from that
atomizer
and I'd have been overcome by the
fumes.
You think you've got a problem!
Ethel's got her hair all skinned back
like a wet Pekinese.
Don't you guys see what the girls are
trying to do?
No.
They're trying to glamorize
themselves
to outshine Diana.
Ralph: You really think so?
Sure. Lucy's been locked up
in our room all day long getting
ready.
I even had to get dressed in the
guest room.
Oh-ho-ho, so that's what they're up
to.
Oh, brother, if Ethel's trying to be
glamorous,
she won't be ready for a week.
Now, look, Fred, don't forget what we
promised.
We are going to be nice to the girls.
Besides, what they're doing I think
is kind of cute.
Cute! Wait till you get a look at
Ethel.
Wait till you get a whiff of Betty.
No matter what they do,
we're gonna go right along with them.
RALPH: Okay, you're the boss.
Hello.
Well, pardon me, beautiful,
you have the wrong house.
Freddy, it's me.
Who?
Ethel!
You didn't know me?
I didn't know you!
Oh, you're a real stunner,
you little Dickens.
Oh, thank you, Fred.
Uh, somebody smells awful good.
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah,
that's that new perfume that Betty's
wearing.
Brings out the beast in a man.
(growls)
Oh!
Hi!
Hello.
What's the matter, dear?
Uh...
That... that dress.
Do you like it?
Oh, I think it's lovely...
and so are you.
Thank you.
(a la Diana): Oh, Ethel, your hairdo
is simply fabulous.
Thank you.
Charming.
Lucy, do you like my perfume?
Oh, I think it's dreamy.
But yes, I love it.
Uh, shouldn't we go?
Yes, let's go.
Honey...
don't you think that the dress
is just a little bit too tight?
Oh, but no.
Everyone's wearing them like this.
Yeah, I know, but are you gonna be
able to sit down?
Oh, of course, but yes, I can sit
down.
Well, it's a dance, so who'll be
sitting?
Well, honey, you're gonna have to sit
down in the car
to get to the dance.
Well, we'll put the top down
and I can stand up all the way.
Oh, Lucy, that'd be fun!
(coughs)
Yes, by all means, put the top down,
Rick.
Put the top down...
all right. Let's go.
Yeah, well, wait a minute, girls,
look, listen--
you wait right here, I'll go get the
car
and bring it to the front.
Yeah, honeybunch, don't you walk
any more than you have to.
Save those gorgeous legs for the
dance.
RICKY: Come on, Fred.
FRED: I'm coming.
RICKY: We'll be right back, girls.
(door shuts)
Gorgeous legs!
Oh, Lucy, you were absolutely right!
A little glamour really works.
Yeah... usually I have to wait in the
cold
while he backs the car out so I can
close the garage doors.
(slow dance music playing)
Oh, thank you, Freddy.
Thank you.
RALPH: Hey, can I get you a plate
from the buffet, dear?
Thank you, dear.
FRED: Lover?
Well, I've already had one plate.
Oh, have another-- I like my women
chubby.
How about you, honey?
Oh, I'd adore something to eat.
Lucy, you must be getting
awful tired of standing up.
Oh, it's not too bad, I'm getting to
be a good leaner.
I can't get over the way the boys are
acting.
It's too good to be true.
Yeah, isn't it?
Fred hasn't been this nice to me
since he thought my aunt left me
$500.
Well, I'm going to start buying this
perfume by the barrel.
There's just one thing: Do you
realize that the boys
haven't even looked at Diana tonight?
Sure they haven't.
It's because we're so devastating.
Yeah, well, we're pretty devastating
all right-- for us.
But why are they ignoring her the way
they are?
It seems very strange.
I think there's more to this than
meets the eye.
Oh, listen, Lucy, I don't care why
Fred's acting the way he is.
I'm just gonna relax and enjoy it.
(band begins playing mellow tune)
Glammy pie, this is for you.
Oh, Fred!
Uh, couldn't we dance now and eat
later?
Well, I was in hopes you'd ask me,
snookums.
Oh!
And shall we dance
or would you rather eat this one out?
Oh, we can always eat.
All righty.
How about you, honey?
Would you like to dance?
No, I think I'd rather eat.
Oh, all right.
Oh.
You know, I've never eaten standing
up before.
It's kind of fun at that.
Probably good for the digestion.
Food goes straight down--
doesn't have to make any turns or
nothing.
You having a good time, honey?
Uh-huh.
Ricky!
Oh, hello.
You haven't danced with me all
evening.
How come?
Well, I've been dancing with my wife.
What's the matter with Ralph and
Freddy?
They've been dancing with their
wives, too.
(laughs incredulously)
What's this world coming to?
Yeah, well.
(humming)
You're certainly acting a lot
different tonight
than you did last night.
I am?
Yes, and I'd like to know why.
Ricky Ricardo, you're up to
something.
No, I'm not up to nothing.
How come you haven't danced with
Diana tonight?
I just don't feel like dancing with
Diana.
I want to dance with you.
You felt like dancing with her last
night.
Oh, honey, well, last night
I was just trying to do what you told
me.
I was just trying to be polite.
Oh, you were just trying to be
polite.
Look, why don't you just confess?
Confess what?
You're up to something;
you're being much too sweet.
What's wrong with being sweet?
When you're this sweet,
there's something rotten in Cuba!
Wait a minute, I don't know what I'm
gonna do with you.
If I don't pay attention to you, you
get mad,
and if I pay attention to you, you
get mad.
What am I supposed to do?
I know that you're just dying to get
out there
and dance with Diana,
so why don't you go ahead and dance
with her?!
All right, I will.
All right.
All right!
All right!
All right! Okay!
Ethel, come on, we're getting out of
here.
What do you mean?
And tell that beast to take his hands
off you.
Beast?
I just found out why the boys
are being so nice to us.
They're cooking up a scheme with that
blonde.
What are you talking about?
See? Whenever husbands have anything
to hide,
they say, "What are you talking
about?"
Well, what are you talking about?
See?
Freddy why are you being so nice to
me?
Because husbands should be nice to
their wives.
Oh, that's the worst excuse
I ever heard in my life.
All right, let's go.
Yeah, you get Betty, I'll get the
car.
I will.
Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Pardon me.
(fabric ripping)
Any sign of them yet?
No.
Well, they should be here by now.
It's almost 1:30.
Maybe Fred took up another collection
for the band.
I must have been crazy
to let you talk me into leaving that
party.
Me, too. Frankly, I was having a
wonderful time.
So was I.
It was the best evening I ever spent
with Fred.
He was...
Well, he was...
almost human.
Yeah, well, the whole thing was a
plot.
Lucy, just what was this plot?
Yeah, you've never been very clear on
that.
Well, don't you worry, it was a plot
all right.
The three of them and Diana were...
were...
Well, they were...
Well, they were.
Were what?
Oh, I don't know,
but at least we'll teach the boys a
lesson.
Oh, sure, they're out dancing half
the night with that blonde
and we're all here brooding
and we're teaching them a lesson?
Well, this has gone far enough.
I'm going back to the club, apologize
to Ralph
for running out and bringing him
home.
And I'm going with you.
Let's go.
Well, now, isn't this a pretty sight?
Two cringing wives, crawling on their
knees,
begging their husbands' forgiveness.
ETHEL: Coming with us, Lucy?
Yes.
Well, how about it, Rick?
Can we go home now?
Yeah, it's ten minutes to 2:00.
Look, we said we were gonna stay here
until 2:00.
Then we'll go home.
But it seems like we've been sitting
here for hours.
We have. The party broke up at 11:00.
RICKY: The way that our wives run out
of us
we agreed that we were gonna stay
here
until 2:00 and then go home.
RICKY: That way, they'll think that
we've been
dancing with lovely Diana all this
time.
Please don't mention dancing in front
of my feet.
Has the swelling gone down?
No, they're so puffed up; I'll have
to wear Ethel's shoes.
RALPH: Yeah, well, you were lucky.
You only danced with her.
I tried to talk to her once.
You know, it's amazing how little I
have
in common with a 20-year-old.
Who's Pat Boone?
At least you talked to her in
English.
I had to spend a half an hour
trying to understand her high-school
Spanish.
"Bonos dyas, senior."
FRED: Look...
let's either go home or get me more
hot water.
RICKY: All right, Fred, I guess we
can go home now.
Don't forget, let's stick to our
story.
RALPH: Okay, okay.
LUCY: Oh, here you are!
At 2:00 in the morning!
Where is she, the little hussy?
I'll scratch her eyes out!
Oh, well, you just missed her.
Boy, can that girl dance.
Dance! You should see the way she
intermissions.
(wolf whistle)
I think it's high time
that you three gigolos came home with
your wives.
Come on, Fred, get your feet
out of that bucket. Let's go.
All right, all right.
Where are your socks?
In my shoes.
Well, pick 'em up, and we're going
home.
All right, all right.
Honest to goodness, carrying on...
Easy now, easy!
(applause)
(closing orchestral flourish playing)
ANNOUNCER: "I Love Lucy",
starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz,
was brought to you by new Lilt,
the only home permanent with
squeeze-bottle magic.
the fastest, easiest home permanent
ever.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.