I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 6, Episode 22 - Lucy's Night in Town - full transcript
Lucy is very excited about her first foray into Manhattan since the Ricardos moved to the suburbs. They and the Mertzes have tickets to see the smash Broadway musical, 'The Most Happy Fella.' that evening. Ricky admonishes Lucy to not forget the tickets and double checks that she has everything in order. He's traveling into New York with Fred, who spends the entire day at his apartment building, collecting his rent. When Lucy and Ethel arrive at a Manhattan restaurant, awaiting their husbands, Lucy discovers the tickets were for the matinée. This begins a series of mishaps -- Fred entrusts Ethel with the rent money and he puts $500 cash in her purse, the performance is a sell out, but Ricky manages to get only two tickets. When it's decided that the ladies will see the First Act, Lucy and Ethel sneak back in and try to see the remainder of the show, and to add to the confusion, in her enthusiasm, Lucy manages to knock Ethel's handbag into the orchestra seating downstairs. All is settled, but in the end, the two couples manage to see very little of the performance, amid all of the confusion.
(light-hearted music playing)
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
(theme song ending)
Honey, aren't you gonna eat any
breakfast?
Oh, no, I'm too excited to eat.
Excited about what?
About what?
This is my first trip into New York
City
since we moved to the country,
and that was six whole weeks ago.
I'll bet I won't even recognize the
old place.
Well, it has changed a little.
They got skyscrapers now.
Oh, you... you get to go into town
every day
while I'm stuck out here in the
country.
What do you mean "stuck"?
You're the one who wanted to move to
the suburbs
so you could get out of the dirty old
city.
Oh, I like it out here.
It's just that after six weeks of
fresh, clean country air,
a woman looks forward to one day of
city dirt.
Am I going, Mommy?
No, honey, you're gonna stay
overnight with Bruce Ramsey.
Why can't I go?
I like dirt.
(Lucy and Ricky laugh)
He likes dirt.
Well, honey, we're gonna be out so
late.
Mommy and Daddy are gonna go to see a
show
with Uncle Fred and Aunt Ethel.
What show?
It's called The Most Happy Fella.
Can I see it sometime?
Well, you're a little bit too young
for theater, partner.
Yeah, you can see it when you grow
up, honey.
At the rate they're selling tickets,
it'll still be playing.
RICKY: That's right.
Say, would you do me a favor?
What?
Would you go out to the guest house
and tell Uncle Fred that I'm about
ready to leave?
Okay, Daddy.
Thank you.
Put your jacket on, honey.
LITTLE RICKY: Okay, Mommy.
Fred's going into town when you do,
huh?
Yeah. Today is his day to collect the
rent
on their apartment.
Oh.
Say, about the tickets now,
are you sure you know where they are?
Yes, honey, I'm sure.
I put them in my dresser drawer
in my jewel box with my good jewelry
six months ago.
All right. And you won't forget to
bring them with you?
Well, I thought I'd throw them in the
wastebasket
just before I left the house.
Oh, my. Oh, my.
I'm just checking.
And you're sure you got the right
date?
Yes, honey, I'm sure I have the right
date.
I put a ring around the date on the
calendar.
I made a mental note of it.
I entered it my engagement book.
I did everything but hire an elephant
and tie a string around its trunk.
Yeah, but are you sure you got the
right date?
Oh, honestly, Ricky, just this once,
can't you give me credit for doing
something right?
All right, now, now, don't get so
touchy.
Well, honestly.
Well, you know how you are.
No. How am I?
Well, to tell you the truth, you're a
little...
Oh, now, come on.
Really!
Okay, okay, I trust you.
Well, thanks a lot.
Listen, don't forget that Fred and I
are gonna meet you and Ethel at
Meegham's Chop House.
Okay.
7:30.
Yes, dear.
And be on time.
Yes, dear.
And don't go crazy, shopping in all
the stores.
No, dear.
Bye.
Good-bye, dear.
Sheesh!
Ethel, isn't it fun being in town for
an evening?
(sighing): Ooh-huh.
Would you ladies care to order now?
Well, uh, we're waiting for our
husbands,
but, uh, we do we have to get to the
theater,
so maybe we'd better order something
that doesn't take too long, huh?
What's ready?
The roast beef's ready.
Well, how's that for you?
Oh, that's fine.
All right, uh, four roast beefs,
medium,
with, uh, mashed potatoes and lima
beans.
Oh, lima beans.
Okay.
Very well.
Oh, Lucy, just think,
we're gonna go to the theater
tonight.
How about that?
Where are we sitting?
Sixth row, center.
Downstairs.
Let me see the tickets.
I'd just like to hold mine for a
while.
Oh, you silly.
I'll put them in my memory book.
Now, Lucy, don't tell me you forgot
them.
No, I did not forget them.
Nobody seems to trust me anymore.
Here they are.
(sighs)
There you are-- row F, seats 104, 5,
6 and 7.
What's the matter?
What time is it, Ethel?
It's, uh, 7:40.
Why?
Too late for the matinee, huh?
Matinee?!
Oh, no!
Oh, Lucy, how could you?!
Well, I wrote for the best seats on
the first available Saturday.
I forgot all about the matinee.
Oh, of all the dumb tricks.
Well, at least I didn't lose them,
you'll have to admit that.
Well, bully for you.
Maybe we can get four more seats at
the box office.
Oh, you know this show's been sold
out for six months.
Gee, it's too bad we didn't have
tickets to a stinker.
What am I gonna tell Ricky?
I don't know, but you'd better think
fast.
Look, I'm gonna stall.
Stall? What good would that do?
Well, you know, he hates to get to
the theater late,
so I'll, I'll take a long time eating
my dinner and,
and, and then we'll miss the first
curtain, see,
and then I'll say that oh, I heard
that
the show was overrated,
and I really don't want to go anyway.
Yeah.
And you be sure and say...
Oh, hi, Ricky.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Sorry, I'm late. My taxi got stuck in
the traffic.
Oh.
Where's Fred?
Oh, um, I don't know.
I guess he's still collecting the
rent money
at the apartment building.
10:30 in the morning till 7:30 at
night?
Well, collecting the rent money
is the highlight of the month to
Fred,
and he likes to linger over it.
Well, I guess we'd better order.
We haven't got much time.
Oh, uh, I already ordered, dear, four
roast beefs.
Oh, that was a good idea.
Yeah, I, uh, I thought roast beef was
a good idea
at the time, but now I don't know.
Steak might be nice, or, uh, maybe
some broiled chicken.
What do you think about broiled
chicken, Ethel?
ETHEL: Oh, uh, uh...
Well, I like broiled chicken.
'Course, steak sounds very good, too.
Maybe we should have some seafood.
What month is this?
Is there an "r" in it?
Uh...
What's the matter with you two?
You know we haven't got time to
change our order.
Roast beef is fine.
Oh, here's Fred.
Hi, Fred.
Oh, hiya, Fred.
Are they still following me?
Who?
Oh, here we go again.
Every time Fred has more than $10 in
his pocket,
he imagines the entire underworld is
trailing him.
Pipe down, will you, Ethel?
I got $500 cash in this pocket,
and two guys followed me from the
subway station.
Well, if you're so nervous, why
didn't you take a taxi?
I may be nervous, Ethel, but I'm not
panicky.
Fred, are you really carrying $500 on
you?
Shh! Do you want to get me bumped
off?
Look, Fred, if you're that worried,
I'll keep it for you in my wallet.
No, thanks.
I want a safe place.
A place no holdup man would ever
think of looking.
Oh, well, then put it in my purse.
Even I wouldn't think of looking
there.
Hey, that's a good idea.
(sighs)
His money belt is at the laundry.
(guffaws)
Say, Fred, we ordered roast beef for
you.
Is that all right?
That's swell. Thanks.
Okay.
Wanted to save time, you know.
Yeah... good.
This is great.
Yeah, looks good.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Good roast beef.
Mmm.
What's the matter, honey, why aren't
you eating?
Oh, I'm just waiting for my meat to
cool off.
It's not too hot, dear, it's just
right.
Well, they say hot food is bad for
the stomach.
Who said that?
I just did. Didn't you recognize my
voice?
Come on, come on.
Stop fooling around and eat your
food.
We got to go to the theater.
What are you doing?
Will you please tell me what you are
doing?
Chewing.
I know that, but we have to get to
the theater.
Can you chew any faster?
Well, then go ahead.
Why not?!
I read somewhere that
you should chew your food 25 times
before swallowing.
Well, swallow it now and chew it
later.
People should chew their food
thoroughly
like animals do.
Animals don't have to make an 8:30
curtain.
Are you all right, Ethel?
Yes. Why?
Well, usually by now you've gobbled
your dinner
and devoured half of mine.
Well, I just decided
to eat like the animals do, too.
Just decided?
You've been eating like a horse for
20 years.
I also read where you should peel
lima beans
to get the most out of them.
Lucy...
Yes, you see, all the vitamins are
under the upper epidermis.
Lucy, what's up?
Nothing's up.
I just think that it's,
it's much better to be healthy than
to see an old show.
(yelling): Aha!
You forgot the tickets!
No, no. No, I didn't forget the
tickets, did I, Ethel?
No, no, she, she didn't forget the
tickets.
See? Here they are.
Then what's the matter?
What's wrong?
Well...
Oh, no.
Oh, oh, no!
FRED: What? What?
These tickets are for the matinee.
For today's matinee.
Don't tell me that.
Honey, maybe we can get some more
tickets at the box office.
How can get some more tickets?
I asked you, "Have you got the
tickets?
And you're sure you got the right
date?"
You said, "I put them in my jewel
box. Oh, sure..."
Look, the sign says "Sold Out."
Let's stop this foolishness and go
home.
Oh, now, Fred, it never hurts to try.
We're in luck.
He got 'em!
Cancellations.
Right in front.
This fellow just turned them in.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
See, we see the show after all.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute now.
I only got two tickets.
Two?
Well, we were lucky to get these.
These are box seats.
That's all they got.
Only two, huh?
Just two?
I'm afraid so.
ETHEL: Oh.
Well, um, which two of us are gonna
get to see the show?
Well, it's my fault that we missed
the matinee,
so you two go.
No, Lucy.
You've been counting on this for
months. You go.
Oh. Well, no, I don't deserve to go.
You take the tickets.
Okay, we'll go.
Oh...
How come you get to go?
I'm the one that's been counting on
this for months.
Well, you just said we should go.
Well, I didn't think you'd take me up
on it.
(orchestra starting up)
Well, the show's starting.
Somebody'd better go.
Well, who?
Well, look, to make it really fair,
why don't two of us see the first
half of the show,
and then the other two will see the
last half.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Yeah, okay. Which two of us will go
first?
Why don't you two go first.
Oh, no.
All right, then we'll two, we'll go
first.
Oh, no.
All right, then you two girls go
first.
Oh, fine.
Yeah, we'll see you here.
All right, all right.
Have a good time.
Oh, it doesn't really matter.
They can fill us in on what happened.
Sure.
I wonder what the story's all about?
Well, I can tell you one thing: The
guy is not married.
How you know that?
Look at the title.
CHORUS: Standing on the corner
Watching all the girls go by
Standing on the corner
Underneath the springtime sky
MALE VOCALIST: Brother, you can't go
to jail for what you're thinking
Or for the ooh...
look in your eye
CHORUS: You're only standing on the
corner
Watching all the girls, watching all
the girls
Watching all the girls
Go by.
Oh, Ethel, isn't it marvelous?
Oh, that Frank Loesser music is just
great.
Too bad we can't see the rest of it.
Sure is.
Hey, maybe we can see the rest of it.
Oh, now, Lucy, we promised the
fellas.
No, look, these people didn't show up
for the first act.
Well, maybe they're still coming to
see the show.
Oh, Ethel, do you know anyone who's
missed the whole first act
and still wants to see the show?
Sure, Ricky and Fred.
Besides them.
Look, here's what we'll do.
We go out and give the tickets to the
fellas,
and after they come back into the
theater,
we'll just stroll back in with the
crowd.
Oh, how could we do a thing like
that?
We still got our programs in our
hands. Nobody'll stop us.
Just look innocent, you know.
Never mind. Just stay behind me. I'll
handle it.
I said look innocent.
(orchestra starting up)
ACTOR: The boss has treated you
pretty good, Joey.
JOEY: Yeah...
Hi.
Hi.
Hi. How'd you get in here?
We just strolled in with the crowd.
Where you gonna sit?
Right here. Right here.
RICKY: Right there?
Sure. These people didn't show up for
the first act,
so evidently, they aren't coming.
Honey, you can't sit there.
We didn't pay for those seats.
Oh, why not? They got all that extra
money
for the matinee tickets we didn't
use.
She's got a point there, Rick.
Now we'll fill you in on the first
act.
Yeah, see, this guy here, he isn't
married.
What'd I tell you?
He wrote a letter and...
(slow music playing)
MALE VOCALIST: Don't cry
Don't cry
Come on back in the house
And don't cry
Come on back in the house
And get out from under that old, cold
sky
Don't weep
Don't weep
Come on back in the house, little
sheep
Come on back...
Could've come by train,
but oh, no, you had to drive.
Okay, okay, I had to drive.
65 miles an hour.
I thought that judge would never let
us go.
Look, we've already missed the first
act.
You going to talk all the way through
the second?
Oh, no.
Shh, shh, shh!
What are you doing?
Shh, shh, shh!
What are you doing?
They took our seats.
I know that, but you can't sit here.
Why not?
Shh!
There's not enough room.
They're sitting four people in two
seats!
Go down and tell the manager.
You go. I'd like to see just two
minutes of this show.
I will not...
Shh, shh, shh!
I'm going to see the manager.
Could you just move over a little?
Just move over...
(whispering): I'm not pushing.
Just move...
Honey, I'd like some orangeade.
Orangeade?
Yes, I'm thirsty.
Yeah, you're also crafty,
but it won't work.
You want an orangeade, go get it
yourself.
Oh...
And when you're down in the lobby,
stay there.
Oh, shh!
Stop your grumbling.
Shh!
MALE VOCALIST: Wait a minute, wait a
minute
You're from big D
I can guess
By the way you drawl and the way you
dress
You're from big D
My, oh, yes
Big D, little A, double L, A-S...
Where you going?
I'm really thirsty.
I'm going to get some orangeade.
Well, listen, get me some, too, will
you?
Yeah, all right.
And...
take your time.
Oh, all right.
Yes
Big D, little A, double-L, A...
Big D, little A, double-L, A...
Big D, little A, double L, A-S...
(rambunctious instrumental music
playing)
Move over, honey.
I beg your pardon.
Oh, sorry, wrong honey.
Here you are, Ethel.
What's this?
Your bag. I knocked it off the
balcony,
but thank goodness, I found it in the
aisle
downstairs right next to a lady's
seat.
(sighing): Oh.
Lucy!
What?
This isn't my bag.
Where are you going?
Where you going?
Downstairs.
We'll be right back.
Well, don't hurry.
This is most peculiar.
Now, how could a thing like that
possibly happen?
Well, it's perfectly obvious.
Somebody hit me on the head with this
and then made off with my purse.
There's a purse snatcher somewhere
here in this theater.
You know, maybe I'd better call the
police.
Well, I think you...
LUCY: Just let us go down the aisle.
We won't make any noise.
There was $500 in her purse.
I'm sorry. You'll have to see the
manager.
There she is! That's the purse
snatcher.
What? What are you talking about?
That's my purse!
Oh, and that's my purse.
What are you doing with my purse?
Oh, what are you doing with her
purse?
Now, wait, wait.
just a minute.
Uh-uh, wait a minute.
I'll take care of these, please,
until we find out for sure just what
happened.
I told you what happened.
She hit me over the head with that
and stole my purse.
Now, not at all.
It was an accident.
I knocked her purse out of the
balcony
where we were sitting and I went
downstairs
and I picked up that purse,
thinking it was this purse because in
a dark theater,
that purse looks a lot like this
purse.
In fact, right now
you can't tell that purse from that
purse.
All right, now, let me get this
straight.
Now, this is the purse
you thought was that purse...
I thought this purse was this purse.
This is her purse.
This is mine.
(all talking over each other)
All right, ladies, ladies, now,
wait just a minute.
Now, please, look, hold everything.
Look, why doesn't everybody just take
her own purse?
Yes.
Now, is everybody happy?
Well, I...I guess so.
Nothing seems to be missing.
Lucy...
What?
...the money's gone.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
She stole $500 out of my purse!
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Well, if you didn't take it, where is
it?
I have no idea.
Are you sure you had $500 in your
purse?
Oh, I'm positive.
Yes.
Maybe she took it out
before she threw it over the railing.
Well, really!
How dare you!
She wouldn't do a thing like that!
Would you, Lucy?
Ethel!
I'm sorry, honey, I'm so upset, I-I
don't know what I'm saying.
You see, I have a penny-pinching
husband
who's gonna kill me when he finds out
the money's gone.
Well, lady, can you prove you had
$500 in your purse?
No. Her penny-pinching husband can.
Yes, yes. He's sitting in box A with
her husband.
Now just go up Yes. there and
ask him.
Look, would you go up and bring them
down here, please?
Mr. Ricardo and Mr. Mertz.
Ask them to come down right away.
Tell them to hurry.
Lucy?
Yes?
Will you tell Fred when he gets here?
What about you?
Oh, I'll be standing right behind
you,
bobbing and weaving.
All right, Ethel, I'll tell him.
I'll just say, "Fred, we lost your
$500.
But I'll say, "Fred, it was your
fault
for putting the money in Ethel's
purse."
And then I'll say, "Fred, take your
hands
from around Lucy's neck."
That's right.
RICKY: What's the matter, what
happened?
Is this a trick to get us out of the
seats?
No. Now, Fred,
Fred, something awful has happened.
Uh, I accidentally knocked Ethel's
purse out of the box
where we were sitting, and it hit
that woman on the head.
Now, Fred, we got the purse back all
right, but...
(quickly): your $500 is missing.
(laughing)
How's that, Fred?
Oh, dear me.
Oh, he must be delirious.
Fred...
(laughing harder)
Fred, your rent money's gone. Fred,
they lost it.
I just pretended to put the money in
the purse
to throw the pickpockets off the
track.
You don't think I'd trust Ethel with
500 bucks, do you?
RICKY: Oh, dear me! Oh,
Fred...
(Fred laughing)
Oh...
Oh, Fred, how could you do a thing
like that?
Oh, I'm, I'm so sorry.
Me, too, me, too, lady.
Well, I guess we were all pretty
excited.
Yes.
Oh, dear.
Oh!
Well, I guess we can all go back to
our seats
and see the rest of the show.
Why don't you go in?
I'm tired of sitting four in two
seats.
Oh, come on, honey, it's not so bad.
ETHEL: No, come on, Rick.
Uh, uh, just a moment.
Did you say four in two seats?
Oh, yes, yes. There was a ticket
mix-up, you see,
so the four of us are sharing two
seats.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
We don't mind.
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Now...
...if four people have been watching
the show,
then you've got to pay for four.
Oh, well, yeah... no, no, that's not
quite right.
You don't understand.
You see, the four of us didn't watch
the show.
LUCY: No.
Actually, we didn't even see the
first half at all.
No, we saw the first half.
Then we came in the second half,
Yeah.
and we hardly have seen any part of
that
when all this happened.
Besides that, you know,
we bought four tickets for the
matinee,
which nobody used at all.
LUCY: No.
Then I bought two more tonight,
so I really bought six tickets
altogether.
Yeah. So, you really owe us for two.
Look, rules are rules.
If four people are watching the show,
then four have got to pay.
Ah.
Well, I guess that's...
I'll get it, Fred.
That's all right.
There.
Oh, thanks.
That'll do it.
Thank you.
Eight tickets already.
Yeah.
Well...
Well, come on.
Let's go see the rest of the show.
All right, Fred.
Oh, no, the show's over.
Oh, no!
How did it come out?
(closing orchestral flourish playing)
ANNOUNCER: "I Love Lucy,"
starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz,
was brought to you by new Lilt,
the only home permanent with
squeeze-bottle magic.
The fastest, easiest home permanent
ever.
ANNOUNCER: Joseph Kearns played the
manager.
Gladys Hurlbut was the woman who lost
her purse.
Also seen in tonight's cast
were Doris Packer, John Eldredge,
Louis Nicoletti,
Jodie Warner, Paul Power.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be
back next week,
at this same time.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
(theme song ending)
Honey, aren't you gonna eat any
breakfast?
Oh, no, I'm too excited to eat.
Excited about what?
About what?
This is my first trip into New York
City
since we moved to the country,
and that was six whole weeks ago.
I'll bet I won't even recognize the
old place.
Well, it has changed a little.
They got skyscrapers now.
Oh, you... you get to go into town
every day
while I'm stuck out here in the
country.
What do you mean "stuck"?
You're the one who wanted to move to
the suburbs
so you could get out of the dirty old
city.
Oh, I like it out here.
It's just that after six weeks of
fresh, clean country air,
a woman looks forward to one day of
city dirt.
Am I going, Mommy?
No, honey, you're gonna stay
overnight with Bruce Ramsey.
Why can't I go?
I like dirt.
(Lucy and Ricky laugh)
He likes dirt.
Well, honey, we're gonna be out so
late.
Mommy and Daddy are gonna go to see a
show
with Uncle Fred and Aunt Ethel.
What show?
It's called The Most Happy Fella.
Can I see it sometime?
Well, you're a little bit too young
for theater, partner.
Yeah, you can see it when you grow
up, honey.
At the rate they're selling tickets,
it'll still be playing.
RICKY: That's right.
Say, would you do me a favor?
What?
Would you go out to the guest house
and tell Uncle Fred that I'm about
ready to leave?
Okay, Daddy.
Thank you.
Put your jacket on, honey.
LITTLE RICKY: Okay, Mommy.
Fred's going into town when you do,
huh?
Yeah. Today is his day to collect the
rent
on their apartment.
Oh.
Say, about the tickets now,
are you sure you know where they are?
Yes, honey, I'm sure.
I put them in my dresser drawer
in my jewel box with my good jewelry
six months ago.
All right. And you won't forget to
bring them with you?
Well, I thought I'd throw them in the
wastebasket
just before I left the house.
Oh, my. Oh, my.
I'm just checking.
And you're sure you got the right
date?
Yes, honey, I'm sure I have the right
date.
I put a ring around the date on the
calendar.
I made a mental note of it.
I entered it my engagement book.
I did everything but hire an elephant
and tie a string around its trunk.
Yeah, but are you sure you got the
right date?
Oh, honestly, Ricky, just this once,
can't you give me credit for doing
something right?
All right, now, now, don't get so
touchy.
Well, honestly.
Well, you know how you are.
No. How am I?
Well, to tell you the truth, you're a
little...
Oh, now, come on.
Really!
Okay, okay, I trust you.
Well, thanks a lot.
Listen, don't forget that Fred and I
are gonna meet you and Ethel at
Meegham's Chop House.
Okay.
7:30.
Yes, dear.
And be on time.
Yes, dear.
And don't go crazy, shopping in all
the stores.
No, dear.
Bye.
Good-bye, dear.
Sheesh!
Ethel, isn't it fun being in town for
an evening?
(sighing): Ooh-huh.
Would you ladies care to order now?
Well, uh, we're waiting for our
husbands,
but, uh, we do we have to get to the
theater,
so maybe we'd better order something
that doesn't take too long, huh?
What's ready?
The roast beef's ready.
Well, how's that for you?
Oh, that's fine.
All right, uh, four roast beefs,
medium,
with, uh, mashed potatoes and lima
beans.
Oh, lima beans.
Okay.
Very well.
Oh, Lucy, just think,
we're gonna go to the theater
tonight.
How about that?
Where are we sitting?
Sixth row, center.
Downstairs.
Let me see the tickets.
I'd just like to hold mine for a
while.
Oh, you silly.
I'll put them in my memory book.
Now, Lucy, don't tell me you forgot
them.
No, I did not forget them.
Nobody seems to trust me anymore.
Here they are.
(sighs)
There you are-- row F, seats 104, 5,
6 and 7.
What's the matter?
What time is it, Ethel?
It's, uh, 7:40.
Why?
Too late for the matinee, huh?
Matinee?!
Oh, no!
Oh, Lucy, how could you?!
Well, I wrote for the best seats on
the first available Saturday.
I forgot all about the matinee.
Oh, of all the dumb tricks.
Well, at least I didn't lose them,
you'll have to admit that.
Well, bully for you.
Maybe we can get four more seats at
the box office.
Oh, you know this show's been sold
out for six months.
Gee, it's too bad we didn't have
tickets to a stinker.
What am I gonna tell Ricky?
I don't know, but you'd better think
fast.
Look, I'm gonna stall.
Stall? What good would that do?
Well, you know, he hates to get to
the theater late,
so I'll, I'll take a long time eating
my dinner and,
and, and then we'll miss the first
curtain, see,
and then I'll say that oh, I heard
that
the show was overrated,
and I really don't want to go anyway.
Yeah.
And you be sure and say...
Oh, hi, Ricky.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Sorry, I'm late. My taxi got stuck in
the traffic.
Oh.
Where's Fred?
Oh, um, I don't know.
I guess he's still collecting the
rent money
at the apartment building.
10:30 in the morning till 7:30 at
night?
Well, collecting the rent money
is the highlight of the month to
Fred,
and he likes to linger over it.
Well, I guess we'd better order.
We haven't got much time.
Oh, uh, I already ordered, dear, four
roast beefs.
Oh, that was a good idea.
Yeah, I, uh, I thought roast beef was
a good idea
at the time, but now I don't know.
Steak might be nice, or, uh, maybe
some broiled chicken.
What do you think about broiled
chicken, Ethel?
ETHEL: Oh, uh, uh...
Well, I like broiled chicken.
'Course, steak sounds very good, too.
Maybe we should have some seafood.
What month is this?
Is there an "r" in it?
Uh...
What's the matter with you two?
You know we haven't got time to
change our order.
Roast beef is fine.
Oh, here's Fred.
Hi, Fred.
Oh, hiya, Fred.
Are they still following me?
Who?
Oh, here we go again.
Every time Fred has more than $10 in
his pocket,
he imagines the entire underworld is
trailing him.
Pipe down, will you, Ethel?
I got $500 cash in this pocket,
and two guys followed me from the
subway station.
Well, if you're so nervous, why
didn't you take a taxi?
I may be nervous, Ethel, but I'm not
panicky.
Fred, are you really carrying $500 on
you?
Shh! Do you want to get me bumped
off?
Look, Fred, if you're that worried,
I'll keep it for you in my wallet.
No, thanks.
I want a safe place.
A place no holdup man would ever
think of looking.
Oh, well, then put it in my purse.
Even I wouldn't think of looking
there.
Hey, that's a good idea.
(sighs)
His money belt is at the laundry.
(guffaws)
Say, Fred, we ordered roast beef for
you.
Is that all right?
That's swell. Thanks.
Okay.
Wanted to save time, you know.
Yeah... good.
This is great.
Yeah, looks good.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Good roast beef.
Mmm.
What's the matter, honey, why aren't
you eating?
Oh, I'm just waiting for my meat to
cool off.
It's not too hot, dear, it's just
right.
Well, they say hot food is bad for
the stomach.
Who said that?
I just did. Didn't you recognize my
voice?
Come on, come on.
Stop fooling around and eat your
food.
We got to go to the theater.
What are you doing?
Will you please tell me what you are
doing?
Chewing.
I know that, but we have to get to
the theater.
Can you chew any faster?
Well, then go ahead.
Why not?!
I read somewhere that
you should chew your food 25 times
before swallowing.
Well, swallow it now and chew it
later.
People should chew their food
thoroughly
like animals do.
Animals don't have to make an 8:30
curtain.
Are you all right, Ethel?
Yes. Why?
Well, usually by now you've gobbled
your dinner
and devoured half of mine.
Well, I just decided
to eat like the animals do, too.
Just decided?
You've been eating like a horse for
20 years.
I also read where you should peel
lima beans
to get the most out of them.
Lucy...
Yes, you see, all the vitamins are
under the upper epidermis.
Lucy, what's up?
Nothing's up.
I just think that it's,
it's much better to be healthy than
to see an old show.
(yelling): Aha!
You forgot the tickets!
No, no. No, I didn't forget the
tickets, did I, Ethel?
No, no, she, she didn't forget the
tickets.
See? Here they are.
Then what's the matter?
What's wrong?
Well...
Oh, no.
Oh, oh, no!
FRED: What? What?
These tickets are for the matinee.
For today's matinee.
Don't tell me that.
Honey, maybe we can get some more
tickets at the box office.
How can get some more tickets?
I asked you, "Have you got the
tickets?
And you're sure you got the right
date?"
You said, "I put them in my jewel
box. Oh, sure..."
Look, the sign says "Sold Out."
Let's stop this foolishness and go
home.
Oh, now, Fred, it never hurts to try.
We're in luck.
He got 'em!
Cancellations.
Right in front.
This fellow just turned them in.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
See, we see the show after all.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute now.
I only got two tickets.
Two?
Well, we were lucky to get these.
These are box seats.
That's all they got.
Only two, huh?
Just two?
I'm afraid so.
ETHEL: Oh.
Well, um, which two of us are gonna
get to see the show?
Well, it's my fault that we missed
the matinee,
so you two go.
No, Lucy.
You've been counting on this for
months. You go.
Oh. Well, no, I don't deserve to go.
You take the tickets.
Okay, we'll go.
Oh...
How come you get to go?
I'm the one that's been counting on
this for months.
Well, you just said we should go.
Well, I didn't think you'd take me up
on it.
(orchestra starting up)
Well, the show's starting.
Somebody'd better go.
Well, who?
Well, look, to make it really fair,
why don't two of us see the first
half of the show,
and then the other two will see the
last half.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Yeah, okay. Which two of us will go
first?
Why don't you two go first.
Oh, no.
All right, then we'll two, we'll go
first.
Oh, no.
All right, then you two girls go
first.
Oh, fine.
Yeah, we'll see you here.
All right, all right.
Have a good time.
Oh, it doesn't really matter.
They can fill us in on what happened.
Sure.
I wonder what the story's all about?
Well, I can tell you one thing: The
guy is not married.
How you know that?
Look at the title.
CHORUS: Standing on the corner
Watching all the girls go by
Standing on the corner
Underneath the springtime sky
MALE VOCALIST: Brother, you can't go
to jail for what you're thinking
Or for the ooh...
look in your eye
CHORUS: You're only standing on the
corner
Watching all the girls, watching all
the girls
Watching all the girls
Go by.
Oh, Ethel, isn't it marvelous?
Oh, that Frank Loesser music is just
great.
Too bad we can't see the rest of it.
Sure is.
Hey, maybe we can see the rest of it.
Oh, now, Lucy, we promised the
fellas.
No, look, these people didn't show up
for the first act.
Well, maybe they're still coming to
see the show.
Oh, Ethel, do you know anyone who's
missed the whole first act
and still wants to see the show?
Sure, Ricky and Fred.
Besides them.
Look, here's what we'll do.
We go out and give the tickets to the
fellas,
and after they come back into the
theater,
we'll just stroll back in with the
crowd.
Oh, how could we do a thing like
that?
We still got our programs in our
hands. Nobody'll stop us.
Just look innocent, you know.
Never mind. Just stay behind me. I'll
handle it.
I said look innocent.
(orchestra starting up)
ACTOR: The boss has treated you
pretty good, Joey.
JOEY: Yeah...
Hi.
Hi.
Hi. How'd you get in here?
We just strolled in with the crowd.
Where you gonna sit?
Right here. Right here.
RICKY: Right there?
Sure. These people didn't show up for
the first act,
so evidently, they aren't coming.
Honey, you can't sit there.
We didn't pay for those seats.
Oh, why not? They got all that extra
money
for the matinee tickets we didn't
use.
She's got a point there, Rick.
Now we'll fill you in on the first
act.
Yeah, see, this guy here, he isn't
married.
What'd I tell you?
He wrote a letter and...
(slow music playing)
MALE VOCALIST: Don't cry
Don't cry
Come on back in the house
And don't cry
Come on back in the house
And get out from under that old, cold
sky
Don't weep
Don't weep
Come on back in the house, little
sheep
Come on back...
Could've come by train,
but oh, no, you had to drive.
Okay, okay, I had to drive.
65 miles an hour.
I thought that judge would never let
us go.
Look, we've already missed the first
act.
You going to talk all the way through
the second?
Oh, no.
Shh, shh, shh!
What are you doing?
Shh, shh, shh!
What are you doing?
They took our seats.
I know that, but you can't sit here.
Why not?
Shh!
There's not enough room.
They're sitting four people in two
seats!
Go down and tell the manager.
You go. I'd like to see just two
minutes of this show.
I will not...
Shh, shh, shh!
I'm going to see the manager.
Could you just move over a little?
Just move over...
(whispering): I'm not pushing.
Just move...
Honey, I'd like some orangeade.
Orangeade?
Yes, I'm thirsty.
Yeah, you're also crafty,
but it won't work.
You want an orangeade, go get it
yourself.
Oh...
And when you're down in the lobby,
stay there.
Oh, shh!
Stop your grumbling.
Shh!
MALE VOCALIST: Wait a minute, wait a
minute
You're from big D
I can guess
By the way you drawl and the way you
dress
You're from big D
My, oh, yes
Big D, little A, double L, A-S...
Where you going?
I'm really thirsty.
I'm going to get some orangeade.
Well, listen, get me some, too, will
you?
Yeah, all right.
And...
take your time.
Oh, all right.
Yes
Big D, little A, double-L, A...
Big D, little A, double-L, A...
Big D, little A, double L, A-S...
(rambunctious instrumental music
playing)
Move over, honey.
I beg your pardon.
Oh, sorry, wrong honey.
Here you are, Ethel.
What's this?
Your bag. I knocked it off the
balcony,
but thank goodness, I found it in the
aisle
downstairs right next to a lady's
seat.
(sighing): Oh.
Lucy!
What?
This isn't my bag.
Where are you going?
Where you going?
Downstairs.
We'll be right back.
Well, don't hurry.
This is most peculiar.
Now, how could a thing like that
possibly happen?
Well, it's perfectly obvious.
Somebody hit me on the head with this
and then made off with my purse.
There's a purse snatcher somewhere
here in this theater.
You know, maybe I'd better call the
police.
Well, I think you...
LUCY: Just let us go down the aisle.
We won't make any noise.
There was $500 in her purse.
I'm sorry. You'll have to see the
manager.
There she is! That's the purse
snatcher.
What? What are you talking about?
That's my purse!
Oh, and that's my purse.
What are you doing with my purse?
Oh, what are you doing with her
purse?
Now, wait, wait.
just a minute.
Uh-uh, wait a minute.
I'll take care of these, please,
until we find out for sure just what
happened.
I told you what happened.
She hit me over the head with that
and stole my purse.
Now, not at all.
It was an accident.
I knocked her purse out of the
balcony
where we were sitting and I went
downstairs
and I picked up that purse,
thinking it was this purse because in
a dark theater,
that purse looks a lot like this
purse.
In fact, right now
you can't tell that purse from that
purse.
All right, now, let me get this
straight.
Now, this is the purse
you thought was that purse...
I thought this purse was this purse.
This is her purse.
This is mine.
(all talking over each other)
All right, ladies, ladies, now,
wait just a minute.
Now, please, look, hold everything.
Look, why doesn't everybody just take
her own purse?
Yes.
Now, is everybody happy?
Well, I...I guess so.
Nothing seems to be missing.
Lucy...
What?
...the money's gone.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
She stole $500 out of my purse!
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Well, if you didn't take it, where is
it?
I have no idea.
Are you sure you had $500 in your
purse?
Oh, I'm positive.
Yes.
Maybe she took it out
before she threw it over the railing.
Well, really!
How dare you!
She wouldn't do a thing like that!
Would you, Lucy?
Ethel!
I'm sorry, honey, I'm so upset, I-I
don't know what I'm saying.
You see, I have a penny-pinching
husband
who's gonna kill me when he finds out
the money's gone.
Well, lady, can you prove you had
$500 in your purse?
No. Her penny-pinching husband can.
Yes, yes. He's sitting in box A with
her husband.
Now just go up Yes. there and
ask him.
Look, would you go up and bring them
down here, please?
Mr. Ricardo and Mr. Mertz.
Ask them to come down right away.
Tell them to hurry.
Lucy?
Yes?
Will you tell Fred when he gets here?
What about you?
Oh, I'll be standing right behind
you,
bobbing and weaving.
All right, Ethel, I'll tell him.
I'll just say, "Fred, we lost your
$500.
But I'll say, "Fred, it was your
fault
for putting the money in Ethel's
purse."
And then I'll say, "Fred, take your
hands
from around Lucy's neck."
That's right.
RICKY: What's the matter, what
happened?
Is this a trick to get us out of the
seats?
No. Now, Fred,
Fred, something awful has happened.
Uh, I accidentally knocked Ethel's
purse out of the box
where we were sitting, and it hit
that woman on the head.
Now, Fred, we got the purse back all
right, but...
(quickly): your $500 is missing.
(laughing)
How's that, Fred?
Oh, dear me.
Oh, he must be delirious.
Fred...
(laughing harder)
Fred, your rent money's gone. Fred,
they lost it.
I just pretended to put the money in
the purse
to throw the pickpockets off the
track.
You don't think I'd trust Ethel with
500 bucks, do you?
RICKY: Oh, dear me! Oh,
Fred...
(Fred laughing)
Oh...
Oh, Fred, how could you do a thing
like that?
Oh, I'm, I'm so sorry.
Me, too, me, too, lady.
Well, I guess we were all pretty
excited.
Yes.
Oh, dear.
Oh!
Well, I guess we can all go back to
our seats
and see the rest of the show.
Why don't you go in?
I'm tired of sitting four in two
seats.
Oh, come on, honey, it's not so bad.
ETHEL: No, come on, Rick.
Uh, uh, just a moment.
Did you say four in two seats?
Oh, yes, yes. There was a ticket
mix-up, you see,
so the four of us are sharing two
seats.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
We don't mind.
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Now...
...if four people have been watching
the show,
then you've got to pay for four.
Oh, well, yeah... no, no, that's not
quite right.
You don't understand.
You see, the four of us didn't watch
the show.
LUCY: No.
Actually, we didn't even see the
first half at all.
No, we saw the first half.
Then we came in the second half,
Yeah.
and we hardly have seen any part of
that
when all this happened.
Besides that, you know,
we bought four tickets for the
matinee,
which nobody used at all.
LUCY: No.
Then I bought two more tonight,
so I really bought six tickets
altogether.
Yeah. So, you really owe us for two.
Look, rules are rules.
If four people are watching the show,
then four have got to pay.
Ah.
Well, I guess that's...
I'll get it, Fred.
That's all right.
There.
Oh, thanks.
That'll do it.
Thank you.
Eight tickets already.
Yeah.
Well...
Well, come on.
Let's go see the rest of the show.
All right, Fred.
Oh, no, the show's over.
Oh, no!
How did it come out?
(closing orchestral flourish playing)
ANNOUNCER: "I Love Lucy,"
starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz,
was brought to you by new Lilt,
the only home permanent with
squeeze-bottle magic.
The fastest, easiest home permanent
ever.
ANNOUNCER: Joseph Kearns played the
manager.
Gladys Hurlbut was the woman who lost
her purse.
Also seen in tonight's cast
were Doris Packer, John Eldredge,
Louis Nicoletti,
Jodie Warner, Paul Power.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be
back next week,
at this same time.