I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 6, Episode 20 - Lucy Does the Tango - full transcript

Lucy finds herself with egg on her face and elsewhere, when she and Ethel try to forestall Ricky's pulling out of the heretofore money losing egg business.

(tango music playing)

What's the matter?

You are not cooperating.

When you dance the tango

you should have a sultry look.

A sultry look?
What do you mean?

Like this.

Well, I don't think we should look
that sultry.

Why not?

Look, honey, we're doing this dance
for Little Ricky's P.T.A.

We don't want to have the school
raided.



You don't have to overdo it.

Just look interested.

You know, breathe heavily or
something.

Breathe heavily?

Well, you know.

(panting loudly in rhythm to the
music)

Oh, not that heavily.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Ethel.

What are you doing?

We're dancing, what do you think?

Oh.

Ricky and I are going to tango for
the P.T.A.



a week from Saturday.

Oh.

RICKY: Now, look, honey...

LUCY: What?

Do we have to dance?

Couldn't we just take tickets or sell
popcorn

or scrape the gum from underneath the
chairs

after the show or something?

Now, honey, I promised them that we
would perform.

I know, but I just don't want to lay
an egg, that's all.

Hey, speaking of that, look.

Ethel, you mean our chickens are
starting to lay?

Oh, no, not yet,

but I thought we ought to be ready

to get right down to business

the minute that first egg rolls off
the assembly line.

You're right.

Listen, it should be any day now.

Fred says that they should start
laying

when they're six weeks old.

Gee, just think, 500 chickens.

And, if they're conscientious,

we'll have 500 eggs a day to sell.

We'll be rich.

Smartest thing we ever did.

Let's see, 500 eggs a day at 60 cents
a dozen... Let's see....

Oh, now, don't bother.

Fred's got it figured out to the last
penny.

Oh, I'll bet he has.

Say, by the way, where is our
vice-president

in charge of chickens?

He went over to Corwyn's Hatchery to
pick up

some egg crates and some more feed.

More feed?

Yep. Fred says you got to

put something into chickens

if you want to get something out of
them.

Well, he's right.

Honey, let's try the finish again,
huh?

All right.

Hey, look at this, see what you
think, will you?

All right.
We're going to do a dance.

(tango music playing)

(groans)

Okay?
Fine.

Gee, you look just like

Vilma Banky and Rudolph Valentino.

Yeah, well...

It's a little rough yet; needs some
practice.

Yeah, a little bit.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Fred, you're back.

Hello, Fred.
How are you?

Did you get the egg crates and the
feed?

Well, I got the feed, but no egg
crates.

Why not?

Well, I don't know just how to tell
you this, Rick.

Tell me what?

Well, you remember, I told you the
chickens

started to lay when they were six
weeks old?

Yeah?

I made a slight miscalculation.

Mr. Corwyn tells me it's six months.

What?

Oh, brother.

No wonder those little chicks looked
so wild-eyed

when I put them on the nest and said,
"Come on, give."

I thought you were raised on a farm

and you knew all about chickens.

So I made one little mistake.

One little mistake, he says.

You know, that one little mistake of
yours,

puts me in a bad spot.

I was depending on the money from the
eggs

to help pay the expenses around here.

Yeah, I know, Rick, and I'm sure
sorry.

It doesn't make me want to jump for
joy, either.

Oh, brother.

Well, listen, partner, this puts a
whole new light

on our business arrangement.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, we were going to share
the profit

from selling the eggs, right?

Right.

In return I was gonna do

all the work around here for nothing,
right?

Right.

Well, now there won't be any profits.

So until the chickens start laying

I think you ought to pay me a salary,
right?

Wrong.

How do you figure?

Well, now, look, Fred.

I'm not making any money out of the
eggs.

In the meantime, you're living in the
guest house for nothing,

so until the chickens start laying,

I figure you should pay me rent.

Rent?!

Yeah, you know, that little thing
that I used to pay you

the first of every month for 16
years?

Now, look...

Now, wait, you two, don't get into a
snit.

Now just maybe we don't have to wait
so long

to have some profits.

What are you talking about?

Well, why couldn't we trade in those
baby chicks

for some full-grown hens

that would start laying eggs right
away?

Yeah, that way you'd have your
profits

and you'd have your income.

Now we're getting someplace.

I've got to hand it to you, Lucy.

Yeah, honey, that's a good idea.

Yeah, I've done it again.

RICKY: Again?
Again?

Don't knock it, just be glad I did it
this once.

Look, Fred, let's go over to the
hatchery,

and see what kind of a deal we can
make with that fellow.
Right.

Let's go out and say good-bye to our
baby chicks.

Oh, yes, that's a great idea.
Isn't that a good idea?

There's nothing like growing your own
breakfast, huh, Ethel?

Mm, boy, I'll say, these are so
fresh.

Mommy, did our chickens lay these
eggs?

Yes, dear.

Our nice, new, big chickens.

(Fred and Ricky arguing)

Now, what's the matter now?

I tell you what's the matter!

Fred botched it again.

What are you talking about?

You told me that each one of those
hens

was supposed to lay one egg every
day.

Right?

Well, they've been here for a whole
week

and all we've gotten is six lousy
eggs.

What do you expect me to do, squeeze
the eggs out of them?

Well, you're the expert, do
something.

I've done everything but jump up and
sit in the nest with them.

Oh, now, honey, don't get all upset.

Maybe the reason the chickens aren't
laying

is because they're nervous.

Nervous? What have they got to be
nervous about?

Wouldn't you be nervous if someone
was standing around

waiting for you to lay an egg?

Yeah, Rick, it's their new
surroundings.

As soon as they get to feeling at
home,

I bet they'll drop eggs

so fast we'll have to jump out of the
way.

She's right, Rick.

I hope they start feeling at home
soon.

Well, anyway, we're getting

our breakfast for nothing.

For nothing?

(laughing)

Listen, with the cost of the feed,

the money that I spent fixing the
henhouse,

the extra heat and electricity

and the money lost by switching

the 500 baby chickens for the 200
hens,

I figured out each one of those
breakfasts

is costing $18 apiece.

Eww.

Yeah, "eww."

Listen, I'll tell you what I'm going
to do.

I'm going to give those hens one more
day.

Now, if by tomorrow they don't start
laying regularly

I'm gonna sell the whole bunch of
them

and get out of the egg business.

I can take a hint.

Come on, Ethel, let's start packing.

Oh, now, Fred...
Oh, now, Fred...

Hold on, you got one more day.

Yeah, now, Fred, instead of packing,

maybe you'd better get out there

to that chicken house

and give those hens a pep talk.

Yeah, why don't you try scaring them?

Walk through the hen house with a
sign that says:

"Fryers for sale."

Sure, sure.

Well...

I'll help him.

Yeah, you go help Uncle Fred, huh?

Chickens.

I should have raised something I knew
about, like sugar cane.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Lucy, this is awful.

The boys at each other's throats,

the chickens aren't cooperating.

What are we going to do?

I don't know, but don't give up, we
got one more day.

You don't expect those hens

to lay a bumper crop of eggs
overnight?

You know, they could if we helped
them.

Lucy, I've never laid an egg in my
life

and I refuse to start trying now.

No, I don't mean that,

I mean buy some, maybe about five
dozen.

Take them out to the henhouse, put
them in the nest,

and let Fred and Ricky discover them.

What good would that do?

It'll only delay the inevitable one
more day.

Well, in the meantime maybe our hens
will warm up

and our men will cool down.

It's worth a try.

Well, so far, so good.

Where's Ricky?

He went into New York.
How about Fred?

He's taking a nap.

How do you know that?

It's after lunch and before dinner.

What else would he be doing?

I guess you're right.

Well, get your eggs and let's get out
there.

All righty.

(sighing whistle)

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Your sleeping prince, he's out by the
henhouse chopping wood.

He's supposed to be taking a nap.

Can't he ever do anything right?

Well, now what will we do?

We'll just have to wait till he
finishes chopping wood.

He'll probably be out there all
afternoon.

We got to get these in the nest
before Ricky comes home.

Well, what'll we do?

We'll just have to stash them on us
someplace

and just walk casually by Fred.

We can't stash away five dozen eggs.

Well, we can give it a try.
Here, open them up.

What are you going to do?

Well, I'm going to put some in my
blouse.

I can get some in my hip pockets,
too.

Be careful.

Want me to help you?

No, let's see, now.

Ooh, you have to be awful careful.

Yeah, this...

(laughing)

Oh, oh...

What's the matter?

Whoo, they're cold.

I wonder how the chicken stands it.

Hey, I can get a dozen in one pocket.

Yeah, I'm doing all right, too.

Don't break them, don't break them,
be careful.

No, just sounded like it.

Just precious.

We'll make it.

Three dozen?

I haven't broken one yet.

How do I look?

Oh, you look kind of lumpy.

Maybe I better put my jacket on.

Yeah, want me to help you?

I can do it.

I'll help you, honey.

Wait a minute, I got one more egg to
go.

Now, how's that?

Oh, that looks fine.

How do I look?

Well, whatever you do

don't try to walk like Marilyn
Monroe.

Oh, we got to get rid of these
cartons.

Put them all in here

and I'll put them away there in the
firebox.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

Want me to help you?

Easy, now, I can't...

Lucy.

Hi, honey.

Why, I thought you were in New York.

Well, I decided to take the late
train

because I want to rehearse our
number.

Rehearse?

Oh, the act's just fine, honey.

We don't want to get over-rehearsed.

Well, I wouldn't worry about that if
I were you.

Come on, I haven't got much time,
it's either now or never.

Well, then make it never?

Look, honey, if we're going to do the
dance

in front of all those people

I want to do it right.

Now come in and rehearse.

Well, I guess you won't be needing
me, Lucy. So long!

Now, Ethel...
Huh?

Wait a minute.

Stick around, I want you to see--

you know, tell us what it looks like.

(tango music playing)

Come on, come on.

Come on, honey.

What's the matter?

Honey, if we're gonna dance for the
P.T.A.,

we should be dignified.

We should stand at least two feet
apart.

To tango?

Yeah, well, you were right.

We don't want to get the school
raided.

Come on, honey, if we're going to
tango, let's tango, eh?

Lucy!

That's enough, honey...

Come on, I want to do the finish.

The finish?

Yeah.

Look, Lucy...

I know that this is a ridiculous
question...

What were you doing with eggs under
your shirt?

Trying to hatch them?

Lucy...

Well, Ethel and I were trying to
sneak

some eggs out into the henhouse

you know, just to give the hens the
idea

so that you and Fred wouldn't be mad
at each other anymore.

Ethel!

Are you carrying eggs?

I was.

I'm sorry, Ethel.

You're sorry.

All right, that does it.

Tomorrow morning

I'm gonna sell all the chickens

and get out of this chicken business.

Hi, Ricardo.

Hi, Ramsey.

Want to ride bikes?

Uh-uh.

Why not?

I don't feel like it.

What's wrong?

We're going to have to get rid of all
our chickens.

How come?

They don't lay enough eggs

so my daddy says they got to go.

That's what mine said when our cat
had kittens.

Did he give the kittens away?

He couldn't.

How come?

Because I hid the kittens

so he couldn't find them.

Hey!

Think we could hide chickens?

How many chickens are there?

200.

(whistles)

Boy, I think this is going to be

a little tougher than kittens.

Come on, Bruce, let's get started.

Okay.

Fred?

Yeah?

Well, where are they?

Where are who?

The chickens, that's who.

The poultry man is outside waiting to
buy them

and they've all disappeared.

Well, don't tell me your troubles.

Now, look, Fred, you're in charge of
the chickens.

Now where are they?

I was in charge of the chickens

I quit, remember?

As long as you're staying here

the chickens are your responsibility.

I'm not staying here, we're moving
out.

Who do you mean by we?

Me and my wife, Mrs. Mertz.

You sure that's everybody that's
moving out?

What are you driving at?

I'm not driving at anything, Fred.

Just so happens this room is full of
chicken feathers.

So what?

So what?

Yeah, so what?

So how'd they get here?

Don't ask me.

You know what a miserable housekeeper
Ethel is.

(chicken clucking)

What's that, Fred?

How should I know?

Well, it doesn't sound like Perry
Como.

(chicken clucking)

(chicken clucking)

My, what a lovely hat.

Well, Fred?

Well, what?

Now, look, Fred,

just because there was no profit out
of the egg business,

there's no reason for you to plan

to walk off with 200 chickens.

Just a minute.

Are you calling me a chicken thief?

Those are your words, not mine.

I don't know how this chicken got in
here

and I don't care,

but I defy you to find another one in
this house.

(another chicken clucking)

You got some friends around here?

All right, Fred.

All right what?

Look, I'll tell you what I'm going to
do.

I'm going to go over to the house,

I'm gonna wait there for 20 minutes.

Now, if the chickens reappear

there will be no questions asked

and I will not prosecute.

Just a minute.

Just a chicken-pickin' minute.

Gee, Ethel, I just feel terrible.

Me, too.

You and Fred moving back to the city.

I don't want you to move away.

Well, I guess friends should never

go into business together.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I wonder how Sears and Roebuck
handled it?

Well, for one thing, Sears wasn't a
stubborn Irishman

and Roebuck wasn't a hot-tempered
Latin.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, even though we're not going to
be neighbors anymore,

you and Fred can come out and visit
us on weekends.

Oh, Fred's so mad

it'll be years before I can drag him
out here again.

Yeah.

Well, we can meet secretly for lunch
at Schraft's.

We can do that.

Yeah.

Well, I got to go help Fred with the
packing.

Okay.

Dear.

So long.

Oh.

Oh, I almost forgot, my fur jacket's
in your closet.

Oh.

Hey.

Why don't you leave it there?

Pretend that you forgot it

and you can come out and get it next
week.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Lucy.

Maybe by that time our gladiators
will have cooled off.

Come on, you coward, put up your
dukes.

I'll paste you right in the mouth.

I'd like to see you try.

Yeah, well, step outside.

We just came in from outside.

What's going on?

He called me a chicken thief.

That's what's going on.

A chicken thief?

There are 200 chickens missing

and I found a bunch of them over at
their place.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Fred didn't steal any chickens.

Did you, Fred?

Of course not.

See, Ricky, if he says he didn't take
them

he didn't take them.

How do you know?

If there's one thing Fred isn't--

and there's only one thing Fred
isn't--

it's a chicken thief.

Thanks, Ethel.

All right, then, Ethel

let me ask you a question.

How did a chicken get into your
hatbox?

How did a chicken get into my hatbox?

Yeah, how did it get in there, Ethel?

Lucy, are you going to stand there

and let him accuse me, too?

Well, how did that chicken get in
your hatbox?

That does it.

We're leaving, and I'll just take my
fur jacket with me.

I wouldn't want to make another trip
out here

to pick it up.

Now who's a chicken thief?

You're a pretty cool cookie

planting those birds in our place

just to throw us off the track.

I don't know what you're talking
about.

You were going to call me a chicken
thief

and get me to leave

and then sell all the chickens to the
poultry man

and collect all the money!

Oh, no, Fred.

He isn't that clever.

But there's someone in this room who
is.

Are you calling me a chicken thief?

Those are your words, not mine.

You've got a lot of nerve,

you and your hatbox full of chicken
feathers.

Yeah, yeah.

I suppose you want me to think those
birds

walked in to that closet and shut the
door behind them.

I have no idea how those birds got
into that closet.

I bet he's got them stashed all over
the place.

I'll bet they have, too.

How do I know how they got in there?

Oh, isn't that...

What are you doing in there?

Yeah, you know what he's doing in
there.
(phone ringing)

You put him in there!

I did not!

Hello?

What?

Oh, no.

Thank you.

What is it?

That was Betty Ramsey.

Her little Bruce's room is full of
our chickens.

How did they get there?

I don't know, but I have a sneaking
suspicion.

Little Ricky!

What, Mommy?

Have you been hiding our chickens,
dear?

RICKY: Come on, son, tell us the
truth.

Will I get a spanking, Daddy?

No, not if you tell me the truth.

Bruce and I hid them.

Why did you and Bruce hide them?

I didn't want you to give them away.

(sighing)

Gee, Fred...

I'm sorry I called you a chicken
thief.

That's all right, Rick.

I've been called worse things by
Ethel.

Lucy, can you forgive me?

Can you forgive me?

I guess it'll take more than a bunch
of chickens

to break our friendship.
Right.

How about the chickens, Daddy, can we
keep them?

Well, I don't know if we can keep
them or not, son.

You see, Uncle Fred and I

went into the egg business
together...

Hey, look what I found in my bedroom.

Our chickens are laying, our chickens
are laying eggs.

(everyone shouting)

Well, the Ricardos and the Mertzes

are in business together!

Oh, I'll help you unpack!

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