I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 5, Episode 3 - Lucy and the Dummy - full transcript

Lucy receives a phone call from M-G-M asking Ricky if he wants to perform in a show for the executives. Lucy says that he'll do it if she can perform with him. Ricky won't perform in the show at all, so Lucy uses a dummy that the studio made of Ricky in the act.

("I love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: And now, I Love Lucy.

(applause)

Hello, hello.

(screaming)

Oh!

It's just a model of my head

that the studio made for the trick
shots.

Oh, what a terrible thing to do.

Don't you ever come home with two
heads again.

Not-not bad, huh?



Same eyes, same nose, same lips.

Can't tell the difference, can you?

Nope.

Lucy...

I'm only kidding.

You kiss much better.

Sheesh, what a wonderful souvenir to
take back home

and I know just what to do with it.

We'll put it on top of the piano.

Oh, great.

No, really, I think it would look
wonder...

Hey, it'd make a wonderful lamp!

Lamp?

Yeah, look.



Sure, a little longer neck,

you'd make a wonderful floor lamp.

I'm going to take a shower.

I'd better get this out of the way.

If little Ricky sees this, it'll
scare him to pieces.

(laughing)

Gee, if I just had two of these
heads,

they'd make wonderful bookends.

Yeah, but don't get any ideas.

Oh...

Hey, I forgot to tell you.

I made a date to go dipsy fishing.

Dipsy fishing?

Yeah, you know, in the ocean.

Oh! Deep-sea fishing.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning.

No.

And don't stick your tongue out at
me.

Oh, honey, I promise I won't say a
word

while the fish are biting.

(shower running)
Oh...

About this dipsy fishing...

Now, you know I'm not the kind of
girl that talks...

(phone ringing)

Will you excuse me?

Thank you very much.

(ringing)

Hello?

MAN: Is Ricky Ricardo there?

Yes, he is, but he's busy right now.

Could I take a message?

Yeah. This is Chip Jackson over at
MGM.

Oh.

We're having a studio party tomorrow
night

and we thought Ricky could help
entertain

in a show we're putting on for the
executives.

Well, I'm sorry, but he's...

For the executives?

Mm-hmm. All the big shots will be
there.

(shower running)
Well, uh...

Mr. Ricardo does do an act with Mrs.
Ricardo,

a great undiscovered talent,

and, uh, if he could, uh, a-appear
with Mrs. Ricardo,

I think he would do it.

He doesn't like to appear without
her.

She's really very talented.

Hello, hello?
Are you still there?

Uh... yes. Uh... eh, eh, is Mrs.
Ricardo really good?

Is she? I'll say I am-- she am. She
is.

Uh... well, uh.... well, as long as
we can get Mr. Ricardo.

Well, now just a moment, and I'll
check with him.

Ricky?

Yeah?!

MGM's on the wire.

They want to know if you'll appear

at a studio party tomorrow night.

Absolutely not!
I'm going fishing!

He says he'd love to.

Oh, fine. Meet at Fox Century.

Oh, they'll be there. Bye.

Did you tell them?

Yeah, I told them.

That's too bad about the studio
party, honey,

but nobody's gonna keep me from this
fishing trip.

I don't know why you want to go
fishing anyway.

You know you're not gonna catch any
fish.

Why do you say that?

Well, you know the old saying:

You can't catch fish in a month that
has an "R" in it.

That's for oysters.

Oh.

What's the matter?
Don't you want me to go?

Oh, sure, I do.
I-It's just that...

I'll miss you.

Oh, now, honey, I'll only be gone a
couple of days.

All right, all right, go ahead and
go.

I don't care...

I don't care if you'd rather go
fishing than be with me.

Oh, now, honey.

You love fish better than you do your
own wife.

Now, that's not true.

You should have married a barracuda!

All right, all right.

If it will make you happy, I'll take
you with me.

Oh...

I don't want to go!

What is this?
You don't want to go.

You don't want me to go.
What do you want?

I want you to go

to the studio party tomorrow night.

Uh-huh. I knew there was something
cooking

in that little brain of yours.

Why are you so interested

that I go to the studio party
tomorrow night?

You want the truth?

That would be refreshing, yes.

The whole truth?

That would be even more refreshing.

I lied.

That sounds like the truth.

I told them that you and I would do
an act together.

Oh, no!

Oh, now, Ricky, please!

Oh, no. I'm going fishing.

But, honey, I already told the
studio.

Well, then you will have to tell the
studio

that you made a mistake.

I will not.

You will, too. Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

I can't do that. Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Why can't you?

Because that would be lying.

Well, I don't want to hear one more
word about it.

Oh, Ricky, now, please!

Let's get out of here.

And miss this?

LUCY: You stay here for the studio
party or you'll be sorry.

Now, Lucy, don't threaten me. Let go.

No!

Let go!

Oh, Ricky!

Ouch!

Well, it serves you right!

Ricky, talk to me.

Oh...

Let's go.

Where are you going?

(screaming)

I knew someday he'd go too far.

Oh, this is just a model of Ricky's
head

he brought home from the studio.

Oh, Lucy, you almost scared me to
death with that thing.

It looks exactly like Ricky.

Doesn't it?

Looks so much like him,

I'd like to punch it in the nose.

Hey, that's fun!

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, dipsy fishing, huh?

Dipsy fishing. Yeah.

Ricky, after all I've said, you're
still going fishing?

Oh, no, no, honey. No.

I'm going golfing.

Oh, you're impossible.

No, you're the one who's impossible.

I happen to be very possible.

Well, I got to get going.

Ricky, please?

Nope.

Please do the number with me just
this once.

Absolutely not!

Oh!

They're always showing

the same old movie on this channel.

Well, so long.

See you in a couple of days.

No, wait. Fred, in all the years
you've been married,

have you ever left Ethel alone to go
fishing?

Nope.

You see? He loves his wife.

He's devoted, considerate.

And what's more, he gets seasick.

No, I do not get seasick.

Hah! He gets queasy if I have too
many waves in my hair.

Well, I got to get going.

You think someone would kiss me
good-bye.

Well, don't look at me.

See you in a couple of days.
Bye.

Have a good time, Rick.
Good-bye, Rick.

Thank you.
Catch us a fish.

I'll try to get you some.
All right.

Oh... some husband I've got.

If my mother wasn't living with us,
I'd go home to her.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Call up the studio and tell them you
can't make it?

No. I can make it.

I'll tell them Ricky can't make it.

They won't want you without Ricky.

Why do you say that?!

Because it's the truth.

Well, I know, but why do you say it?

I got to get an idea.

Okay, we'll leave you here to think.

Come on, Fred.

All right.

Here, Lucy, two heads are better than
one.

Oh...

Lucy?! Lucy?!

Yeah?

What did you want to see us about?

Yeah, I'm eating my lunch.

LUCY: Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

Listen, Ethel, turn on that record of
Ricky's and sit down,

and I have something very important
to show you.

What's going on here?

I don't know.

(upbeat music playing)

When we are dancing and you're
dangerously near me

I get ideas

I get ideas

I want to hold you so much closer
than I dare to

I want to scold you

'Cause I care more than I care to

And when you touch me

And there's a smile in every fac...

What do you think?
You think it'll work?

Think what'll work?

Well, my dance for the studio club.

Do you think they'll know it's a
dummy?

Nobody but the audience.

Aw! Didn't it fool you at all?

Nope. The dummy's a better dancer
than Ricky.

Oh, Fred! It fooled me for a couple
of seconds.

Did it?

It sure did.

Then I can fool an audience that
long.

Now, this is what I want to do.

I want to dance out on the stage with
Raggedy Ricky here,

I dance around a little bit

and then he'll be suddenly taken ill,
see,

and I'll help him off the stage

and I'll come back and finish the
number by myself.

You'll never get away with it.
No.

Well, I will if you help me.

Well, so long, Lucy.

Come on, Fred.

Now, Ethel!
I want you to help me.

Not a chance.

Why not, Ethel?

What?!

Good boy, Fred.

Are you out of your mind?

Now, look, we're going to give in
eventually--

we always do-- and if we say no now,

she'll keep us around here arguing
all afternoon.

So, why don't we say yes right away

and then I can go ahead with my
lunch.

Oh, you're absolutely right, Fred!

Now here's what I want to tell you
about.

Oh, you can't hear this.

Now, this is ridiculously simple.

All I...

(knocking at door)

Come on in. Hurry.

Did you have much trouble?
A little.

Well, The guard at the gate wanted to
smell his breath,

but I talked him out of it.

You know, I'm getting fond of this
guy.

Put him right down here.

Okay. Come on, Esteban.

Thank you very, very much.

Oh, that's beautiful!

Where did you get it?

At a costume company.

(band playing fanfare)

The show's starting.
Give me a hand with him.

All right.

(applause)

Thank you.

We're gonna start the show off
tonight

with a wonderful surprise.

You know how proud we are that MGM
will soon be releasing

Samuel Goldwyn's new picture, Guys
and Dolls

to theaters all over the country.

Guys and Dolls stars

Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons, Frank
Sinatra and Vivian Blaine.

Well, tonight we're able to give you

a preview of one of the musical
numbers.

On the screen right over there.

(applause)
Thank you.

Now here we go. Open the door.

Good luck.

(muttering)

Gee, I hope this works.

Every producer on the lot is gonna be
out there tonight.

You... you'll kill 'em.

Let's go stand in the wing.

(band playing fanfare)

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

one of our newest stars here at MGM--
Ricky Ricardo

in a special number with his partner,
Mrs. Ricardo.

(audience applauding)

(band playing "I Get Ideas")

I'm so sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

but something seems to be the matter
with Mr. Ricardo.

Oh, it's nothing serious.
Don't be alarmed.

In the tradition of our business,
though,

the show must go on.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'll be
right back.

Mrs. Ricardo, if your husband is ill

we can cancel the whole thing.

Oh, no, no, the show must go on.

Yes, but Mrs. Ricardo...

The show must go on!

(whispering)

Hold still.

Get the arm off.

Straighten my mantilla out in the
back.

Straighten it way out.

Are you ready?

I got it.

Okay, here I go.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Ricky
Ricardo.

(applause)
Wait! Wait.

When we are dancing

And you're dangerously near me

I get ideas

I get ideas

I want to hold you so much closer
than I dare to...

What a trooper.

I want to scold you

But I care more than I care to

And when you touch me

And when there's fire in every finger

I get ideas

I get ideas

And after we have kissed good night

And still you linger...

I kinda think you get ideas, too

(off-key): Your eyes...

Your, your, your, your, your, your,
your...

eyes are always saying

The things I hope they're saying

I only hope they're saying

That you would love me, too

'Cause that's the whole idea, it's
true

The lovely idea

That I've fallen in love with you.

(song ends, but musical refrain
continues)

(applause)

(music and applause continuing)

Oh, Fred, what are we gonna tell
Ricky?

Well, I maintain that honesty is the
best policy.

I know, but what are we gonna tell
Ricky?

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Rick.
Hi, Rick.

Where's Lucy?

Uh, did you catch a lot of fish?

No, it was too shoppy.

You know, when it's that shoppy,

there's not much fish.

Where's Lucy?

Uh, "shoppy," huh?

Oh, yeah, I'm telling you, all the
way to Catalina,

the boat just roll and roll and roll
and roll

and then it pitch forward and goes
back

and it roll and it roll.

I'm telling you, it was terrible.

All the way through.

Hey, Rick, get me off this boat.

(laughing): I'm sorry, Fred.

Where's Lucy?

Did she go out?

Oh, uh, she, uh...

Ethel, where's Lucy?

Ricky, Lucy's got a job.

What?!

She went to that studio party last
night.

Oh, you two were a sensation.

Who two?

You and Lucy.

What are you talking about?

Wait a minute. I'll show you.

What is she babbling about?

(singing melody to "I Get Ideas")

Oh... no.

How could she have gotten away with
it?

She didn't, but it was such a mess,

they thought it was a comedy act

and they offered her a year's
contract!

That's where she is now, over there
talking over terms.

I can't believe it.

Oh, Ricky, you can't let her sign
that contract.

She'd have to stay out here a whole
year.

She can't do that.

But you can stop her, can't you,
Rick?

'Course I stop her. Huh!

I'll just tell her, "You just can't
take this contract.

What do you think, you're gonna..."

Wait a minute.

I can't stop her.

If I do, she'll throw it in my face

for the rest of my life.

He's right.

But you'd better think up something
fast.

She'll be home any minute.

Well, let's see...

I tell you what.

We'll use physiocology.

What?!

Physiocology.

You know, when you want somebody to
do something,

you make them think you want them to
do something else.

Physicology.

Physicology?

Yes, honey, you know, what a
physichiatrist use.

That's a head doctor.

Oh, psychology.

FRED: Oh.

All right, have it your own way.

Look, here's what we're gonna do.

When she comes in...

LUCY: I get ideas, I get ideas...

Follow my lead.

Ethel, I'm gonna sign the contract
tomorrow.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, there.

Did you hear the news?

Yes, yes.

The Mertzes told me all about it.

Oh.

And I think it's wonderful.

You do?

Yes, I certainly do.

I was afraid you'd be angry with me.

Angry? Well, honey, why should I be
angry?

Just because you took a dummy over to
the studio

and made him pass as your husband?

(chuckling): Why, honey...

that is exactly what any...

any normal, red-blooded, American
girl would have done.

Oh, boy, you must have caught a lot
of fish.

No, no, no, I'm sincerely glad.

This is what you've always wanted to
do

and now you've done it.

Gee, you're really glad, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, Lucy, this is so exciting.

Oh, boy, I can hardly wait till I get
my first big picture.

Yeah, well, you'll have to be sure
and write to us

and tell us all about it.

Oh, don't worry...

What do you mean, write?

Well, honey, Little Ricky and me

and the Mertzes are gonna be back in
New York

and you'll be out here...

Oh, no, no, you're all gonna be out
here with me.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do that.

I have a contract at the Tropicana.

I open there in a couple of weeks.

Oh, we've left our apartment house

much too long already.

Yeah, after all, we're still the
landlords.

Well, gee, I know, but...

Now, honey, you cannot let

your family and your best friends

interfere with your professional
career.

Well, I know, but...

And, besides, it's not like

we were gonna be millions of miles
away.

You can come and visit us every
Christmas.

And you can call us as often as you
like.

That's right. And don't you worry
about Little Ricky.

I'll show him your picture every
night,

so he won't forget his mommy.

Oh, no, no! I gotta have Little Ricky

and all of you out here.

Now, look, Ricky, you can book your
band out here someplace,

you know that, and if it's a matter
of money,

I'll be making a large salary.

I'll, I'll pay all your expenses.

Oh, thanks, honey, but I'm afraid
not.

Well, now, wait a minute, Ethel.

I'm sorry, I-I'm afraid we can't.

No, no, we really have to go,

but that doesn't mean that you have
to, you know.

Honey, what's the matter?

You look sad.

We're happy for you.

FRED: Yeah.

This is what you've always wanted:

a career in show business.

We're really happy for you.

Aren't you happy?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm happy.

I'm very happy...

I guess.

RICKY: You can't let your family and
best friends

interfere with your career.

ETHEL: You can call us as often as
you like.

RICKY: We'll show the baby your
picture,

so he'll know who his mommy is.

LUCY: I'm sorry, sir, but I've
decided to go home

and be with my family.

MAN: You're making a big mistake, my
dear.

We have great plans for you.

We're certain that you'll be a big
star.

Big star.

Big star.

Big star.

LUCY: Oh, yes, yes, I'm Lucy Ricardo.

My autograph? Of course.

I don't mind.

When people stop asking, that's when
I'll mind.

Oh, you're welcome, my dear.

What's that? Another Oscar?

I'll have to oblige to this.

This is the sixth one.

Uh, the twelfth one.

A call for me?

I'll take it right here on the set.

Hello? Oh, hello, Little Ricky,
honey.

Well, Mommy misses you, too.

Oh, don't cry, sweetie.

Mommy will be home for a whole day at
Christmas.

(Little Ricky crying)

Oh, don't cry, little Ricky, honey.

Don't cry, baby, don't cry.

Oh, Little Ricky!

Baby, Mommy's coming, Mommy's coming!

I'm sorry, baby.

It's all your fault.

It's all your...

(screaming)

(screaming)

(crying)

Honey, I'm sorry.

Ricky, I don't want to stay out here.

I want to be with you and the baby
and the Mertzes.

That's my baby.

I don't want to stay out here.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: The emcee was played by
Lee Millar,

theremin effects by Dr. Samuel
Hoffman.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.