I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 5, Episode 23 - Lucy's Italian Movie - full transcript

"Lucy's Italian Movie"

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

(theme song ending)

ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy."

(applause)

Gee, these Italian trains sure are
cramped.

Imagine one seat for four people.

Ethel, will you stop complaining?

Well, it's true-- they're not very
roomy.

They're roomy enough.

It's just that you're roomier.



Oh...

Well, it's not so bad now that Lucy's
not here.

Yeah. Where'd she go?

Just out to stretch her legs.

Honestly!

What's the matter?

There's a man out there

leering at me.

He's a typical masher.

Lucy, why is it that every time you
get on a train,

you start imagining things?

I am not imagining things.

I know a masher when I...

(gasps) There he is now.



Now, Ricky, don't lose your temper.

Why should I lose my temper?

Aren't you going to beat him up?

What for?

"What for?"

Oh, honey, calm down.
He didn't do anything.

Well... he was thinking.

Where was I sitting?

Right beside me.

Where?

Gee, it was there a minute ago.

Come on, move over.

Shove over.
Get over, Fred.

Come on, get over.

I'll get over.

Let me get my dress.

Such a train.

Fred, at what time do we get to Rome?

10:00.

Oh. Well, that's... only just about
one more hour.

That won't be so bad in this torture.

Well, I mean, that-that's, uh...

10:00 tomorrow morning.

What?!
What?!

You mean we have to sit like this all
night?

Well, it's only 13 more hours.

If I could only reach you,

I'd punch you right in the nose.

Fred, why didn't you get us berths?

Well, it's cheaper this way.

Oh, fine.

Well, as Ricky's band manager, it's
my job...

To save money.
To save money.

I appreciate that, Fred,

but you got to draw the line
someplace.

Oh, we're lucky he hasn't got us
hitchhiking.

Will you stop yapping?

Oh, 13 more hours in this sardine
can.

Sardines were better off.

They got all that oil to wiggle
around in.

Well, let-let's try to get some
sleep, huh?

Sleep?

(Fred snoring)

(snoring)

Oh, Lucy, it's no use.

We've got to have more room.

This is all Fred's fault.

Let him stand up.

(Fred snoring)

Fred.

Fred.

Wake up, sleeping beauty.

You couldn't wake him up with a stick
of dynamite.

Hey, I got an idea.

Hey, look, there goes Gina
Lollobrigida!

Where? Where?

(mocking laugh)

Now, what's the big idea?

Well, you got us into this.

You can just stand up.

Ethel, I'm not going to forget this.

Fred.

Oh!

What are you trying to do?

Oh...

Honestly!

Oh, honey, help me.
I can't move.

I'll help you.

Here, dear.

Oh, dear.

I may never play the violin again.

Where are we?
Where are we?

We're just pulling into the station.

Oh.
Come on, Fred.

Help me with these bags.

Here, I'll take this one.
Oh, boy.

Give me that one.

Honey, there's that man again.

Yeah, he is looking kind of funny at
you.

I told you he was a masher.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Excuse me, signor.

I am afraid I have given the wrong
impression.

Yeah, well!

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Vittorio Fellipi.

Vittorio Fellipi...

Yes.

Vittorio Fellipi...

I produce films here in Italy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh! Are you the Vittorio Fellipi?

Yep.

Oh! I've seen all of your pictures

in America, and they're just
wonderful.

They're, they're, they're so
realistic and earthy.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Well, we'd better introduce
ourselves.

My name is Ricky Ricardo.

Ricky Ricardo, well!

I read you were traveling in Europe.

Oh, you did.

How about that?

That's nice.
He read it in a paper.

And this is, uh, this is my wife,
Lucy.

How do you do?
How do you do, madame?

And Mrs. Mertz.

How do you do? Hello.
How do you do, Mrs. Mertz.

And Mr. Mertz.

Hi.
Glad to know you, sir.

How are you? Grazie.

I shouldn't have been staring at Mrs.
Ricardo.

Oh, that's all right.

But you see, she happens to be just
the type

I need for a new picture.

Who, me?

Yes.

Tell me, Mrs. Ricardo,

have you ever considered acting?

ETHEL, RICKY AND FRED: Has she ever
considered acting?

Well... uh...

(imitating Katharine Hepburn):

The calla lilies are in bloom again.

Really, they are.

I mean...

(ITALIAN ACCENT): Oh, those calla
lil-- mama mia!--

they got to be a-blooming.

Very nice, very nice, indeed.

Look, here, Mr. Ricardo, here's my
card.

If your charming wife would be
interested in auditioning,

call me, please...
but do it soon.

You see, we start production in a few
days.

Oh, yeah.

It was very, very nice meeting all of
you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Arrivederci.

Arrivederci.
Arrivederci.

Good-bye.
Arrivederci.

Poor man.

What are you doing?

I'm getting in the mood

for my Italian picture debut.

Arrivederci, mi amore.

Arrivederci.

Oh, boy, Rome!

Isn't it wonderful?

Have you seen it?

Seen what?

The Colosseum!

Oh, isn't it magnificent?

Aah, it's nothing, Rick.

Nothing!

Smaller than the Yankee Stadium.

Joe DiMaggio would have hit 80 home
runs

in that hat box.

Oh, what can I expect

when I expose him to culture?

(Ricky laughs)

Come on, Lucy, take a look at it.

I saw it. Listen, here's a big
article

about Vittorio Fellipi in here

and-and pictures of some of the
actresses he's discovered.

Aren't they earthy?

Wow!

Oh, I don't think

those Italian actresses are so much.

Not one of them has got her hair
combed.

Well, they look great to me.

Hmm, if I let my hair go like that,

you'd never let me hear the end of
it.

Honeybunch, if the rest of you looked
like that,

I wouldn't care if you were bald.

Oh, fine.

Ricky?

Yeah, honey.

Do you like earthy women?

What's earthy?

That.

Well, we don't call that earthy in
Cuba.

Oh? What do you call it?

We have five words for it:

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

(chuckling)

(knock on door)

Come in.

The hangers you called for, signor.

Oh, yeah, yes.

Oh, uh... Signor Bellboy.

Si, signora.

Would you, uh, translate

this story for me on Vittorio
Fellipi?

I don't understand the Italian, you
know.

Si, si, con piacere.

Uh, it says here:

"Signor Vittorio Fellipi has
announced

"the starting date of his newest
picture

"which will be called, uh...

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!

How about that?

It's the same thing in Italy.

Scusi, signora.

The name of the picture will be
Grappolo Pungente.

Grappolo... what does that mean?

It means "Bitter Grapes."

"Bitter Grapes"?
Si.

Oh, what else does it say?

"The picture will be filmed in color

and will be shot in and around Rome."

Uh-huh. Go on.

That's all there is.
E finito.

Oh. Well, thank you very much.

Belle bambine tutte queste, ma come
sono belle! Bellissima.

Would you like to take the magazine
with you?

Oh, grazie.

You're welcome.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

(Ricky laughing)

Oh...

Gee, did you hear that, honey?

It's going to be called Bitter
Grapes.

I wonder what part they want me for.

Oh, you're probably going to be one
of the bunch.

(laughs)

Fred, that's funny.

Very funny.

Gee, I got to find out about the
grape vineyards--

how the workers act,

what they do there.

Lucy...
There must be

some grape vineyards

near here someplace.
Lucy...

I bet I can learn all about them in a
couple of hours.

Oh, no, you don't.

Why not?

Look, honey, Italy has enough
problems already.

I don't want to have to worry

about you lousing up the entire grape
industry.

Oh...

All I want to do is soak up a little
local color

so I'll know what I'm acting about.

What could possibly happen to me?

Well, I could answer that,

but we're only gonna be here ten
days.

Oh...
Come on, Fred.

FRED: Okay.
Let's check the theater.

ETHEL: So long, Fred.
See you later.

No funny business-- promise?

All right, all right.

All right.

See you later.

Come on, Ethel, let's go.

Go where?

To the grape vineyards!
Where else?

You promised Ricky you wouldn't.

I did not. I promised him no funny
business.

Soaking up local color for acting
purposes

happens to be a very serious
business.

Oh, brother.

Besides, the only reason he doesn't
want me to go

is 'cause he doesn't want me to be in
that picture.

Now, don't start that

he-doesn't-want-me- in-show-business
stuff.

Well, he doesn't.

How could I find out where the grape
vineyards are?

Just look in the yellow pages of the
phone book.

Operator, would you ask

the bellboy to come up to 605,
please? Thank you.

I'll ask him where they are.

So, you find a vineyard.

What are you gonna do about the, uh,
fact

that you don't speak Italian?

I know a few words.

When I don't know, I'll shrug.

How can you shrug a conversation?

Ethel, you have been in Italy for a
week.

Haven't you learned anything?

What does this mean?

It's wonderful?

Right.

How about this?

Who knows?

Very good.

Uh...

Don't cut the spaghetti; wind it
around the fork!

(laughs)

No.

What's this?

Ooh, I give up.

What is it?

Get me a large pizza.

(knock at door)

Come in.

Si, signora, you sent for me?

Yes. I'd like a little information,
please.

I'd like to know a little bit about
the wine industry,

how they make the wine, how they pick
the grapes,

and how they press the juice out with
their feet.

Are there any grape vineyards around
here?

Well, uh, there's only one little
town called Turo,

where they still make wine like that,
you know.

All other wineries are modern.

They use big machinery.

Oh, oh. Well, where is this Turo?

Oh, it's right on the outskirts of
the city.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Prego.
Turo, Turo.

You want to come along?

No, thanks.

What am I gonna tell Ricky when he
asks where you are?

Tell him anything you want.
I have nothing to hide.

Tell him the truth.

Okay, I'll tell him the truth.

Don't you dare!

No, I won't.

All right.

Andiamo, andiamo!

(chattering excitedly in Italian)

(all talking over each other)

Buon giorno, buon giorno.

(everyone speaking at once)

No, e troppo caldo.

Allora, sta sera.

Magari, si.

Senti, senti.

(chattering in Italian)

(lively chatter continues)

Silenzio, silenzio!

C'e tanto lavoro sta mattina.

Fatte silenzio, presto!

In fila.

Rosa, Theresa.

(women chattering happily)

(women grumbling and groaning)

Aspetta, aspetta un momento.

Lei puo pigiare tanta uva.

Quanta sei bella!

(grumbling)
Thank you.

Andiamo, andiamo, andiamo.

Andiamo subito.

E che vuoi da me?

Che vuoi, che hai visto?

Vai al lavoro subito.

Vai a lavorare, cammina.

(man muttering in Italian)

Eh, tu, vieni qua.

La raccolta e stata buona

e noi due dobbiamo

pigiare tutta questa uva.

Preghiamo che non stare qui fino sta
notte.

Fa presto.

Eh, vieni dentro!

(yelling in Italian)

Lucy?

Lucy?

Oh, hi, Rick.
Is Lucy back yet?

No, she's not here.

Well, good-bye, Rick.

Ethel!

Come back here.

Where is Lucy?

Lucy?

Yeah. Vittorio Fellipi called and
he's coming over.

Where is she?

Where is she?

Ethel, where did Lucy go?

Where did Lucy go?

Will you stop repeating everything I
say?

Where did she go?

Well...

Ethel, did she go shopping?

I promised not to tell.

Did she go around sucking up local
color?

"Sucking up lacal color?"

No, I don't think so.

Ethel!

Yes.

Mira que tiene cosa

que se lo dice, lo repeti

que no se metiera mas revoli aqui en
italia.

Ricky, she only did it because

you were trying to keep her out of
that movie.

What do you mean keep her out of that
movie?

I just don't want her to go around

and get herself into trouble again.

Really?

Why would I ask Vittorio Fellipi to
come over here

if I didn't want her in the movie?

Why, that's right.

Sure!

Now, don't you worry about it, Ricky.

She just probably picked a few grapes

and she's on her way home right now.

Yeah, well, I hope you're right.

Yeah, I'm sure of it.

No, I'm a-pooped.

Abbasta!

Dai, lavora!

Poverina, e che credi?

Ti piglia la paga senza far nulla?

Naah!

Oh!

(both yelling)

Allora ci vogliamo divertire de vero,
eh?

E va bene, adesso.

I'm sorry, Signor Ricardo,

I-I cannot wait any longer, really.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

She's gonna be awful sorry

that she missed you.

Oh, she's so anxious to be in your
picture.

I'm sorry, but you see,

I have to go back at the studio. I'm
late.

ETHEL: Well, just a few minutes
longer.

Just... I'm sure she'll...

No!

Oh!

Oh, Signor Fellipi.

How do you do?

Oh, you'll have to excuse the way I
look,

but I've been working in the grape
vineyards

so I could get the proper atmosphere

for working in your picture.

FRED: Boy, when it comes

to soaking up local color, you don't
mess around.

Lucy, why don't you go and wash that
blue stuff off?

I tried to.

It won't come off.

But, Mrs. Ricardo, I'm afraid you
misunderstood.

You see, Bitter Grapes is just a... a
symbolic title.

The picture has nothing to do with
the grape industry.

And besides, you see, I had you in
mind

for a small part

as a... a typical American tourist

visiting in Italy.

Oh, well, fine.

Oh, it isn't fine at all.

You see, we're shooting the scene

tomorrow morning in color, and I
couldn't take a chance

that you would be back to normal by
then.

Well... well... well,

couldn't I be a typical American
tourist

who... who was homesick for America

and that's why I'm blue?

Oh, no.

No, no, I'm sorry.

Well, could I be a...
a typical American tourist

who fell in a wine vat?
No.

Oh, please, I'll do anything.

I'll dye my hair.
I'll do anything.

Mrs. Ricardo, please.

You know, the part isn't big enough

to go through all that trouble,
really.

Well, it's very nice of you

to come over, Mr. Fellipi.

It was nice meeting you.

Thank you.

I'm awfully sorry, Mrs. Ricardo.

I'll shave my head.
I'll wear a mask.

No.

Good-bye, Mr. Mertzer.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, Mrs. Mertzer.

Good-bye.
It was...

Just a minute.

Mrs. Mertzer, would you be interested

in playing that part?

Would I!

Good.

Oh...!

Then report tomorrow morning

at my studio at 8:00.

You are a typical American tourist

if I ever saw one.

Oh, thank you!
Oh, thank you!

Good-bye.
Yes, I always...

Oh, I'll be right there at 8:00.

Oh, imagine me in an Italian movie.

This is only the beginning.

I may end up being a star.

Arrivederci, mi amore.

Mi amore, arrivederci.

(mouthing words)

(closing orchestral flourish playing)

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: Vittorio Philippi was
played by Franco Corsaro,

the bellboy was Saverio Lo Medico,

the two women were Theresa Tirelli
and Rosa Barbato

and the boss was Ernesto Molinari.

"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.